01x01 - Jobs

[bunniefuu]

- [baby cooing]

- [indistinct chatter and laughter]

- [pleasant music playing]

- [children chattering]

[crowd cheering]

- [woman] I love you.

- [man] I love you too.

[singing "Happy Birthday"]

[sound distorting]

[clangs]

- [light thuds on]

- [chains clinking]

[eerie music playing]

[intense music playing]

Havana. You got 24 hours, Agent Six.

Don't get yourself k*lled.

Could be fun.

In my line of work,

I'm always on the road.

[engine revs]

New city.

New name.

New target.

[people chattering]

- [suspenseful music playing]

- Whiskey. Big ice cube.

They tell me you are

looking for El Escorpión.

Not tonight.

But I never lose myself.

It's a job.

I have a routine.

No attachments.

[beeping]

[dramatic music playing]

Follow your rules.

I only have one.

No women, no children.

[silenced g*nsh*t]

[people exclaiming]

[Agent Six] Oh, f*ck.

Maybe she's okay.

- [expl*si*n]

- [people screaming]

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

- [cell phone ringing]

f*ck.

[sighs] Six here.

Is it done?

Yep.

Got her.

[mouthing]

"Her"?

Your target was a man.

Uh, no, it wasn't.

The target you sent was a blonde woman.

Unless you're saying it's a man.

I mean, I'm not gonna

assume their pronouns.

It's a female-presenting person.

[softly] Uh

Six, you k*lled the wrong target.

I don't know what to tell you, PQ,

but the way this works is

you send a photo of a person

and I k*ll them.

The only way it gets f*cked up

is if you send the wrong photo.

Holy sh*t!

You sent the wrong photo?

- I didn't.

- You did!

You got an innocent woman k*lled,

now you're gonna deny it.

You know what? Connect me with HR.

We don't have an HR.

Exactly. That's how we end up

in situations like this.

Look, I gotta go, man.

I don't know what the f*ck to tell you.

In my line of work,

I only have, uh, two rules.

How do I get out of this f*cking place?

- No children.

- [stomach gurgling]

And, uh, never lose your cool.

[wet splattering]

Oh

[line ringing]

- [cell phone ringing]

- [sirens blaring]

[Agent Six] What the f*ck?

Ugh

f*ck!

What the f*ck did I eat?

f*ck. I got ice.

Did I drink the ice?

- This is f*cked.

- [line ringing]

Ugh, there's so much sh*t,

it's f*cking everywhere.

I hate my life.

Jesus Christ.

- Oh

- [cell phone ringing]

Oh, f*ck.

[sirens continue blaring]

[shouting in Spanish]

Just a moment, Enrique, I'm coming!

[high-pitched] No problem, sir.

[in English] I'm at the harbor right now,

dude. There's a paid ticket I have.

They're gonna leave

- if I don't get on the boat.

- Six.

- This guy's gonna take off.

- Six.

[Agent Six] Hold on a sec.

The bags. Pick the

- [PQ] Six

- Pick the bags with me.

[high-pitched in Spanish]

Hurry up, sir.

[quietly in English] f*ck!

- f*cking key's in my jacket.

- Six.

I, uh Hey!

Oh, it's you.

[Agent Six] Yeah. Would you do me a favor?

Would you f*ck a friend of mine?

You don't have to really f*ck him.

Just play with this d*ck.

He probably comes fast.

Uh, you understand?

[in Spanish] Like, will you have

sex with my friend?

m*therf*cker.

[Agent Six in English]

No, uh You know what?

Scratch that. New plan.

You're making me pull out

the big g*ns here.

That's some wild sh*t.

You like sloppy top, right?

- What?

- Blow jobs. I'll give you a blow job.

Make sure nobody learns about this,

and I will give you a blow job

on your morning commute

- Agent Six.

- every day.

And if I go out of town,

I'll double up when I get back, all right?

And I will not act like it's a chore.

I will work at it.

I'll learn what you like,

and I'll take my time.

I will enjoy it.

Want me to put my finger in your a*s?

I can do that too.

I don't mind getting a little dirty.

- Um

- And you can just bust

right as we're pulling

into the parking lot.

Please let me do this.

I want to be your c*m sl*t.

- [soft music playing]

- [voice breaks] I want you to fill me up,

fill up my belly every day

with your yum-yum sauce.

- I want to drain your nuts.

- [sighs]

And I don't have a gag reflex.

I've never told you that.

So, my throat [sighs]

which has no gag reflex, is yours.

You own my throat.

Every day. Please.

Does this guy ever shut the f*ck up?

Am I on speakerphone?

And video.

What the hell is "sloppy top"?

Uh

What's that?

You guys are breaking up.

My battery's dying.

[PQ] We got you at 85%.

[captivating music playing]

[Agent Six] In my line of work,

there are no rules.

Actually, I just can't

be handcuffed by rules.

So, you know what I mean?

Oh, except for that no children rule.

The "no children" is a good rule.

I don't k*ll kids.

- [b*llet ricochets]

- [baby crying]

- f*ck.

- [woman sobbing] My child!

- No.

- [woman] My one-week-old child.

Can somebody come sh**t me?

[dramatic sting plays]

[musical note dings]

Jobs are tough.

I mean, I wouldn't know

because mine is not.

I'm a comedian.

You know that dumb sh*t

you get sent to HR for saying?

I get paid for that.

But other people's jobs are

- [man grunting]

- [metal squeaking]

messy.

- You ready, boys?

- [whip cracks]

[Tom] Also messy.

Some people are great at their jobs.

Fifty-five years,

not one kid hit by a car.

Other people are bad at their jobs.

Like my piece-of-sh*t assistant Reed,

who is a completely inept f*cking moron

who is only still here

because I hate confrontation.

- Doing great, bud.

- Sorry, sir.

I may be a lowly comedian,

but it's a job I take very seriously.

As you'll see from the stories

I'm about to share with you.

[low pensive music playing]

[man] Let me be perfectly

clear from the start.

This isn't so much a job

as a responsibility.

Our residents, they don't have much time.

What they need is consistency and order.

- [grumbles]

- [clatters]

[man] They don't like change.

Do you understand?

Si. Yes, I understand.

When I see a wrong in the world,

to leave it would be

a betrayal of my own heart.

[nurse] Mr. Fletcher.

Mr. Fletcher.

You gotta see this.

[inspiring music playing]

[Fletcher] I pay you to clean,

not to dance.

Signore, these people are not ghosts.

They are not shadows of the past.

We must give them more.

You're a liability.

[nurse] I don't know

what this man is doing,

but he's incredible.

I used to be an opera singer.

You have a beautiful voice.

They're alive again, sir.

The man has a gift.

How is he doing this?

[inspiring music crescendos, stops]

Lick my a*s. Lick it. Oh.

What the f*ck?

Yes, you are my nasty girl. Yeah.

[spits] Yes.

- [inspiring music continues]

- [Fletcher] What the hell is going on?

Signore, I give them life. I come so hard.

They eat my a*s.

Now you understand?

No.

No, I don't understand.

You get out! You get out now!

Coward!

I do it for them!

[old woman] Massimo!

Please calm down.

This is very cut-and-dried.

He was not cut.

And I was not dry.

I didn't even get to eat his a*s.

- We want Massimo.

- [people chanting] Massimo!

They won't eat, sir.

It's been weeks.

I don't know what to do.

[pensive music playing]

[woman chanting] Massimo.

[chants indistinctly]

- Massimo.

- Yes.

[Massimo] I am a simple man from Sardinia.

Where I'm from,

we take care of our elders.

We show them love.

It fills them with life.

You treat them like they're already dead.

These are beautiful people.

Look at Marta. She can garden again.

Basta. Basta. No more. Oh!

And John,

he play a baseball catch with his bambino.

- [inspiring music playing]

- Dorothy.

She learn and she love a nipple t*rture.

Feels nice.

Yes! [gasps] Yes!

Oh!

[inspiring music continues]

Well, it's unorthodox,

but I can't argue with the results.

Massimo can stay.

Hey!

Come into me!

[Massimo] This is my home!

- I don't go nowhere!

- [all applauding]

This is my home! Forever!

I'm pregnant.

[speaks Italian]

No

English.

What?

Io no speak inglese.

He definitely speaks English.

No, no. Uh

He's calling an Uber.

No, no, no.

I, uh I go Walmart.

- I come back ten minuti.

- [vehicle approaches]

- You stay.

- [tires screech]

Uber for Massimo. Going to the airport?

f*ck.

Okay, I come right back.

[speaking Italian]

[in English] Okay. Bye-bye.

I come back ten, maybe 15 minuti.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Okay. Bye-bye.

f*cking Italians.

[upbeat music playing]

f*ck my life. [sighs]

[music stops]

We need to increase efficiency

in the fourth quarter

if we're going to keep the board at bay.

So I'm expecting big things

from your team, Evan.

Evan. Are you even listening?

Uh

Sorry, sir, I, uh

I'm just a little thrown by the IT guy.

[chairs creak]

Oh, right. Uh, Cyrus from IT is using

the latest tech to update our servers,

which should help us

with our efficiency objectives.

Now, if you look at the numbers

from the latest manned projections,

page 3 clearly lays out

the efficiency measures

that will put a cap on cost overruns

that put us in the red

on two of the last four quarters.

Part of that was due to

Tampa not coming through

with the metrics we requested.

We do not want to pull another Tampa.

Sir

What's going on? I was really cranking.

Yeah. What are you doing?

Updating our server

with the new software patch

and getting us back online.

What's it look like I was doing?

I mean, it looked like you

You had two, uh

Look, I

Why are you doing your work in here?

Can't you do it in your office?

And miss Cheryl's birthday?

No.

I guess I was just raised different.

Plus, I don't want a repeat

of Oliver's birthday.

I didn't get any of that cake.

- That was some good cake.

- It was.

Can I get back to it? Please?

Yes, of course.

[sighs] Jesus Christ.

[man] Anyway, legal wanted me

to remind all of you

that any and all sales contracts

need at least three days of lead time.

- [continues indistinctly]

- Whoa, doc.

That's a big one.

You can reach out to Marcy Malloy,

lead counsel,

and she can turn around contract approval

in as little as one business day.

- Just don't abuse it.

- [grunting softly]

- [man] Please please do not forget to--

- [spits]

Oh, come on, sir.

He's clearly using that headset

for virtual reality porn.

[Cyrus] I'm sorry.

Did you just say virtual reality porn?

Is that even a thing?

You just mimed unzipping pants

and said,

"Whoa, doctor, that's a big one."

I unzipped a server file

that's absolutely huge.

I've never seen printer drivers this size.

Okay, but then you pumped.

I mean, you were pumping

Lube?

Thank you, Cheryl.

Lubrication was the word

I was looking for.

You were pumping lubrication.

Okay.

After I unzipped the server file,

I pushed down the excess data.

And then I just rubbed my hands together

because I was cooking, man.

Yeah. What about all the licking?

Oh, my God.

I have severe carpal tunnel

from working with computers all day. Okay?

So I activated the oral control,

including the tongue toggles,

so I could be more efficient, sir.

Why am I explaining myself to you, Evan?

Do I come into your office

and ask you about the numbers

on why our tax liability in China

has tripled since you joined the company?

No. I let you do your work.

Let me do mine. Okay?

As far as I know, I'm the only one here

who knows how this software works.

Uh, maybe I'm mistaken. Do you?

Do you?

How about just get back to work?

The sooner we finish,

the sooner we have cake.

Sound good? Okay.

He was eating a*s.

[whispers] I don't know how servers work.

[Cyrus] This technology is the future,

ladies and gentlemen.

Six months from now,

you're all going to be using it.

So adapt or die.

[grunting]

Well, speaking of tax liabilities,

Evan, why don't you give us an update?

I'd love to, sir.

- [Cyrus] Ahh. Come here, little buddy.

- [Evan clears throat]

That's a good boy.

As you know,

over the past several quarters,

we have had a tariff

- That's a good boy.

- [Evan]um, increase.

[Cyrus] Oh, yeah. Tight little pup.

Our projections are show

[squealing softly]

- [with accent] Oh, so tight.

- [Evan] My My

Sir, he's being a little Chinese girl.

Evan, let the man do his work.

[Cyrus] Oh, is this hard?

[breathing heavily]

You know what? Let's just do cake.

[Cyrus] Oh, yeah.

[grunts]

[Evan] Yeah? Let's get cake.

- [grunting]

- [Evan] Come on, guys.

[all singing hesitantly]

Happy birthday to you ♪

Happy birthday to you ♪

Happy birthday, dear Cheryl ♪

I'm almost there.

Happy birthday to you ♪

[Cyrus grunts]

[sighs]

[cell phones chiming]

Oh! Look, the servers are back online.

You're welcome.

- [man] Good job, Cyrus.

- [woman] Nice work.

Oh, Christ.

[sighs]

- Hey.

- [low ominous music playing]

Where's my slice?

Oh, no.

I'm sorry, Cyrus. All out.

I guess I'm not so good with numbers.

All right. Did everyone get cake? Good.

Double slice.

[Evan] For you a slice. All right.

[Cyrus] You cut that piece in half.

[Evan] Great. Let's eat some cake.

[low ominous music continues]

That's fantastic.

Wow. Who picked this up?

Mmm Now this is cake.

[upbeat music playing]