01x03 - Family

[bunniefuu]

- [distant wolf howling]

- [low ominous music playing]

[Rex] Mmm! Well, would you look at that?

You know, I wasn't sure

if you were XXXL or XXXXL.

Please, have a seat.

[in Korean] Sit down.

[slurps]

[dissonant violin playing]

[in English] This is nice, isn't it?

Just a nice normal dinner.

Now [bangs table]

I'm sure you're wondering

- why I invited you into my beautiful home.

- [chair scraping]

Well, I have not been spoken to

like that in a long time.

And if I'm being honest [bangs table]

I was a little ticked off.

And then I got a big old b*ner.

Now I'm turned around worse

than a woodpecker in a lumberyard.

So I'd like to hear some more.

[violin continues playing]

- Byung Sung, take a walk.

- [violin stops]

You're giving her the heebie-jeebies.

[footsteps receding]

It's all right.

I'm a little r*cist too.

Now, tell me what's on your mind.

Why are you doing this?

Jesus Christ.

It's pretty straightforward, Shelly.

I'm a global country superstar

who's lost his mojo.

I decided to kidnap my fans and force them

to live in a poor people town,

make them share

their deepest, darkest traumas

so I could put it in the hit songs.

- How the f*ck do you not get that?

- Oh, no, I get it.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

But it's not working anymore, is it?

How do you know that?

I've been an honorary hen hound

since I was eight years old.

You know, you kind of

remind me of an oyster.

What the f*ck is that supposed to mean?

I don't live in the ocean.

No, an oyster.

It has a shell to protect it.

I think you had a lot of people around you

who are too scared to tell you the truth.

Sometimes a grain of sand

gets caught into an oyster

and it's uncomfortable and harsh.

But then sometimes that oyster takes

that sand, and it makes something magical.

A sandcastle.

A pearl.

Wow. I like that.

So you're saying

you're like my grain of sand.

I could be.

You know, um,

oysters are like an aphrodisiac.

Gets you all wet and horny.

- Mmm-hmm.

- I eat them all day.

You don't need a fake town with poor

people to exploit them for their trauma.

- Oh, I don't?

- Mmm-mmm.

[softly] I think that you need

your own trauma.

What?

- [grunts]

- [yells]

f*ck! Ow! f*ck!

- [groaning]

- [Shelly panting]

Byung Sung! Byung Sung,

I've been penetrated!

sh**t her in the face!

Don't sh**t her t*ts.

- [insects trilling softly]

- [rustling]

[grunting]

[hopeful music playing]

[panting]

[sobbing]

[foreboding music playing]

Byung Sung

Please

don't sh**t.

Do you understand?

[tense music plays]

[music stops]

I ain't gonna hurt ya.

You speak f*cking English?

I do.

He makes us speak Korean.

Nobody really knows why.

I guess it's just part of the gig.

- My real name's Jeff.

- That's insane.

Yeah, it's a doozy, isn't it?

[soft hopeful music playing]

I'm just a theater actor.

All the guards are.

[grunts] Rodrigo was in Hamilton.

There's a small town

about ten miles that way.

Head there now. Go.

Why are you helping me?

Byung Sung's ruthless.

But Jeff ain't. Go.

Go now!

[Shelly] Thank you.

[hopeful sweeping music playing]

- [groaning softly]

- [pensive music playing]

[indistinct police radio chatter]

[officer] Oh, my God.

Darling, what the hell are you doing

all the way out here?

- Thank God.

- All right. It's okay.

It's okay.

[Shelly] He kidnaps fans,

he tortures them.

And then he buries the bodies.

Good God.

You're sure it was the Rex Henley?

[Shelly] Oh.

Yes, I'm pretty f*cking sure.

Okay, I believe you.

All right. Now, the sheriff

is coming in right now,

and we're gonna do everything

we can to make this right.

- Thank you.

- All right?

- [Shelly sighs]

- It's over.

Hey, speak of the devil.

[ominous music playing]

Sheriff.

[uneasy music plays, stops]

How's the wife, Chris?

Pregnant again.

Should learn to pull out,

you little rascal.

[laughs]

No f*cking way.

- I'll take it from here.

- All right.

- Let's go, boys. He's got work to do.

- [g*n c*ck]

[in English] Oh, no. Sit down, darling.

[officer in Korean]

Found her! Come quickly!

[in English] It's all right.

I ain't mad at you. I like you.

I need you.

Turns out, you were right

about everything.

I don't need 200 enslaved prisoners.

I just need one a*usive relationship.

You're my trauma.

And I promise you, when I get home,

I'mma dig me a big old hole

and mow all those people down

into one mass grave.

Plus, we're gonna save

a fortune on shrimp.

You don't have to wash your hands so much.

That's all because of you.

You and I are not in a relationship.

Oh, yes, we are.

You came into my life,

you said a bunch of mean words,

and then you left when I needed you most.

But you got me feeling alive.

Brains firing. I'm all bricked up.

You're gonna stick around

and help me write one more hit song.

I'm thinking a ballad.

Something about love and loss,

about letting go.

Yeah, letting go.

- And then maybe you can let me go.

- Absolutely not.

Because clearly, a breakup is not enough.

I need my heart

ripped out, Shelly. [exhales]

I just need to lose one person

I feel a real connection to.

[Shelly whimpering]

[breathing shakily]

[whispers] It's not gonna work.

Why not?

Because I'm just some girl

that you met a day ago.

We don't even have a history.

There's no real loss at the end of this.

I know you have someone in your life.

Someone who matters.

Someone who you loved.

And

that's the person.

That's the person that can inspire you

to write that hit song.

You

are f*cking brilliant. [chuckles]

There is someone

- [Byung Sung grunts]

- Oh, no.

Byung Sung!

- [g*nshots]

- [gasps]

- [melancholy music playing]

- [sobbing]

Oh, no, no, no! Byung Sung!

Oh, God, my brother.

Why, God? Why would you take him from me?

Oh, sh*t!

I feel all these emotions.

It worked, buddy.

I feel it.

I feel I miss you already.

[sobbing] Oh, God. Shelly, it's working.

Look, there's real tears

coming out of my eyes.

I'm traumatized.

This was my best friend. Oh, sh*t!

Oh! I get to use the hankie

that you gave me.

[sobbing] Look, it was made in Korea.

[continues sobbing]

[Shelly sniffles]

I love you, my sweet Korean brother.

[guitar music playing]

[crowd cheering]

Rex Henley has a new number one album out.

[audience cheering loudly]

Well, I guess officially, y'all,

we got a hit album.

Shockingly, this album

is entirely in Korean.

[in Korean]

[crowd cheering loudly]

[in English] You've heard of K-Pop?

This is a Korean country.

Would it be K-c**t?

[in Korean]

[in English]

Whatever it's called, I love it.

[crowd cheering]

[playing guitar]

- [music stops]

- [crowd cheering]

[in English] Love you, Byung Sung.

[dramatic sting plays]

Family.

Love them or hate them.

You're stuck with them.

Unless you're the Menendez brothers.

- They figured that sh*t out.

- [pensive music plays]

Some families are happy,

others are dysfunctional.

Some are even famous.

Like the Frankels.

Smile, everybody.

Well, the Frankels are only famous

in my town because there was a rumor

the dad got busted banging the family dog.

- What the f*ck?

- I knew it.

- I knew it.

- [father] You knew what?

It was me. I started the rumor.

[family arguing indistinctly]

So gather your families on the couch

and watch these uplifting tales.

Or don't.

I really don't care.

I'm just here to get away from my family.

[father] You're sick.

[gentle music playing]

And that's why

we named our daughter Daisy.

[audience] Aww!

[both] We love you, Grandma.

[audience applauding]

[music ends]

- [gasps] You came!

- Yes.

Aren't they just so wonderful?

What is this?

It's what Stevie and your dad

have been working on.

- What?

- Next up, we have Stevie Segura

telling a story of his grandfather, Wes.

- My dad's here?

- Yeah.

[woman] And joining Stevie

are several of his classmates.

Take it away, Stevie Segura.

[all applauding]

This is gonna be bad.

No, it'll be sweet.

My dad doesn't do sweet.

Welcome to the suck, h*m*.

- [all gasp]

- Here it is.

Jesus Christ!

When I asked for more marines,

I meant ones that are ready to hump.

You sacks of sh*t don't look like

you can play T-ball.

- Wow.

- Oh, my God.

Gutierrez

What the hell

have you been eating, Gutierrez?

If your fat a*s holds us up

for even one second,

I'm sending your a*s back to Okinawa

faster than you can say,

"Chuba me chimichurri."

Sir, yes, sir.

Fat a*s.

Steinberg!

You're the first of your kind

in my platoon, Steinberg.

- You got a problem with that?

- Sir, no, sir.

Fall back and keep that nose tucked in

before it gets caught in a tripwire.

[laughing] That's my boy!

You know we have

to transfer schools, right?

Of course.

Small, Reggie, put your reefer out

and turn off your Motown boogie beats!

What the hell were you two clowns doing?

Oh, you know, Lieutenant,

just getting a little downtime.

Are you two ever not relaxing?

- I'm gonna go.

- f*ck. No!

- We're in this together.

- [kid] It's part of our culture, sir.

We love to dance or just sit around.

Lazy.

Thank you for guiding us

to be more than just

a couple of Division-3 basketball players

who had no real shot at the pros.

- [Stevie] You fellows

- I'm sorry!

tell Tyrone here how we operate.

There's no shootin' Black talk

and no jive talk.

[whispers] We're not like this. I swear.

We're here to do one thing

and one thing only.

k*ll those two-faced rice-slopping

commie b*stards.

[kids] 'Oorah!

g*dd*mn gooks.

- How did he learn all this stuff?

- By hanging out with my dad.

[audience exclaiming]

Oh, it's a puppy.

Oh, my God.

It's the puppy story.

[Stevie] Nobody wants to blow up a puppy,

but I'll do anything to protect my men.

I will.

That puppy will walk into

that village over there

and get the job done for us.

- [bell dings]

- [expl*si*n]

[crowd exclaims]

Oh, sh*t.

[laughs]

["The Star-Spangled Banner" playing]

Is that a foot?

[distant screams]

That's a nice touch.

There's no better feeling

than k*lling the enemy.

- Nice.

- Oh, my God.

[low patriotic music playing]

w*r is ugly, but necessary to ensure

a better world for our children.

There you go. There you go.

Take my own son, Tom.

- Tommy, stand up.

- No.

Get your a*s up.

[inhales]

Tom has the freedom

to do whatever he wants,

but my men fought and died

so he could tell jokes,

hang out with his Jew buddies

and prance around like some Gypsy broad.

Did you know my son needs to inject

testosterone into his body?

What kind of man needs to inject

testosterone into his body?

I'm 78. I had no problem

putting lead into my pencil.

No needles, no pills.

Thank you.

Attaboy. Attaboy!

- [laughing]

- [scattered applause]

- Jesus Christ.

- I know. That was very

- [woman] Thank you

- Bad.

Stevie, and, uh, of course, Wes,

for that interesting lesson in history.

Uh [chuckles awkwardly]

Up next, we have Luis Ochoa

and the story of his grandfather, Hector.

- Holy sh*t.

- Excuse us.

South Beach, Miami, 1991,

was all about cocaine.

- And that's because of me.

- [jaunty music playing]

[crowd exclaiming, clapping]

- I think I wanna see this.

- Yeah, me too.

Come and get some!

Our kid's not that bad.

No way. That's ill*gal. We're just r*cist.

[Luis chuckles] Let's go.

Don't touch it.

[woman] Disgusting. That's why

we're always out of peanut butter.

- [vehicle passes]

- Okay.

- I understand.

- [woman speaks indistinctly on phone]

All right. Goodbye, Genevieve.

I love you.

I said, "I love you."

[sighs]

Feelings change?

Yeah, I'm hungry.

That's my feeling.

[sighs]

[in French accent] Oh. Sir, you are back.

Has your lady, uh, she arrived?

[in broken French accent]

Uh, dinner solo--

Please. No. [chuckles] In English, sir.

Your Your French is very

sad to me.

She will not be joining me this evening.

The chef has already begun to prepare

the lamb broth dinner for two.

- So unfortunately--

- It's fine. I'll pay for it.

Very good, sir.

Plus, this is better.

Now you very much enjoy more food.

Because you're fat.

Thank you.

[low amusing music playing]

[sighs]

Oh, I didn't order that.

I moved to f*cking Gordes!

Gordes, France. For her!

Don't grieve, for there are,

what do they say?

"Plenty of fishes in the sea, oui"?

You know, she said

my teeth were f*cked up.

She made me get adult braces

and I feel stupid.

Would you like to know

a simple secret to life?

Sure.

Be open to the right opportunity

when she presents herself.

Merci beaucoup.

Please. Don't speak French.

I'm sorry. I'm really f*cking drunk.

Well, yeah.

- Welcome to France, eh? Yeah. [chuckles]

- [laughs]

You have to hold your liquor, right?

- You know, I lost 300 lb.

- [chokes, coughs]

- [line ringing]

- [pensive music playing]

[woman on recording]

Bonjour. This is Genevieve.

Leave a message.

[chuckling] I can't f*cking drive.

[snorts]

Hey, Genevieve. This is Joe.

I'm still in Gordes.

I moved here to be with you,

if you recall, and guess what?

I'm not sorry.

I met a guy.

Not like that.

Like a cool older guy, and he says

there's fishes everywhere.

So I'm gonna catch a long-nosed fish,

like the kind just mounted

over a fireplace.

You ever see those?

And you're like, "Holy f*ck!

Did you catch that?"

So big.

How many fish did you see?

Oh, this is stupid. I'm not sending this.

[phone chimes]

f*ck. Did I just send that?

[sighs]

[gentle music playing]

[vehicle passing in distance]

[chuckles softly] Me?

Okay.

[gentle music continues]

[door creaking softly]

Hello?

[woman] I'm back here.

Wow.

Why are you the only handsome man

that has ever passed by?

I don't know.

I've been standing at that window

for three whole days.

I'm glad I walked by.

Me too.

I'm Katie.

[chuckles softly]

Uh I'm Joseph.

Joseph?

Juju?

[chuckles softly]

I like that name.

You have broad shoulders, Juju.

And beautiful eyes.

- I'm glad you like them.

- Mmm!

That was

very nice.

You're a real man.

I am? I am.

Mm. It's not easy to find.

You're having trouble finding a man?

Oui.

Did you ever go outside?

Oh [scoffs] Mais oui, Juju.

You are

stunning.

- [chuckles softly]

- I mean, I was seeing someone.

She said I'm a friend type.

Then I met a cool older guy.

He was saying,

"There's a bunch of fishes--"

I want you to f*ck me.

What? Yeah, okay.

I do. I mean, I want to. Thank you.

f*ck. Yeah, let's do that.

[mystical music playing]

Oh, my God.

- But

- [music stops]

I want you to do me a favor.

Okay, yeah, sure.

You have to f*ck my sister first.

She's my twin.

[chuckles]

- Okay? Sure. I can do you that favor.

- [chuckles softly]

Promise?

I will do my best, madam.

[romantic music playing]

- Do you want me, Juju?

- Mmm-hmm. Yes. Yes.

- [Katie] I want you.

- Oh. Good. Good.

No! I want you to want me more!

- I never wanted anybody more.

- More!

I want you to take me

and do whatever you want with me.

Whatever pleases you. Mm!

- Juju! Yes. Okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Watch your step.

I'm yours, Juju.

Yes.

But first my sister.

Okay.

Is she coming or is she here?

What does she look like?

[dramatic music plays]

Oh

No! f*ck!

Who is this?

[breathes deeply]

What is that?

[amusing instrumental music playing]