01x06 - Health

[bunniefuu]

The pillows here are great.

I know. I looked them up,

and they're a blend

of memory foam and microfiber.

Those pillows? [chuckles]

Yeah. I really like the pillows too.

I slept good.

Yeah, I slept very well.

I slept like a h*m*.

You know, I think I'm gonna get

that chicken parm tonight. Mmm-hmm.

I'm sorry, Barry. What did you just say?

Uh, chicken parm. Chicken Parmesan. Hmm.

Yeah, it's an Italian dish.

You slept like what?

Oh, like a h*m*.

Yeah, it's just an expression.

No, it isn't.

And it's offensive.

It's just something that people say,

you know, like "It takes two to tango"

or "It's raining cats and dogs."

Oh. "He runs like a deer,"

because he's really fast. Yeah.

Those are called idioms.

And that's not like

anything you just said.

Yeah, it is.

You know what? My cousin,

he went parasailing once,

- and he said that if you

- [whispers indistinctly]

have to go to the bathroom up there,

you just go.

They don't care.

Because you can't come down.

- [glass clinking]

- It'd make a weird rainbow.

You wouldn't be able to see it.

All right, everybody, let's get started.

We got a really productive

and fun-filled weekend ahead of us here.

I got a close-up magician coming in.

Guy I met on a plane.

He's gonna have some tricks

just blow your mind.

But before we get started,

I unfortunately have some upsetting news.

Barry.

I hate to do this in front of everybody,

but it came to my attention

that you said something that was

wildly inappropriate and offensive,

and we need to send you home.

What? What happened?

He said he slept like a h*m*.

- [man 1] h*m*?

- Yeah, I slept like a h*m*.

- [woman] Barry!

- Sorry, h*m*.

I just said something that,

you know, it's factually correct.

- True.

- Barry. That's not a phrase you can say.

Well, but it's true. You know, I was just

really tired and I just slept that way.

But it doesn't make any sense.

Okay, well, just think about it.

You know, it's physically exhausting,

pounding or getting pounded in your an*s.

That wears you out

way more than vaginal sex.

- Barry--

- It's true! There's no doubt about it.

Imagine.

You're getting plumbobbed,

real deep and hard.

When your partner is about ready

to pull out, it might hurt a lot.

So you've got

all this anxiety building up.

And then the relief

after they come out of you?

Oh, that release of stress,

that makes you tired, man.

That's exhausting. That's all I'm saying.

Last night, I just got

that real good, deep sleep.

Like a g*y guy.

[sighs] Barry

just go home.

Wait.

I can't let you fire him, Dave.

Why?

Because he's right.

And how would you know that, Phil?

Because I'm g*y.

No way.

I am. And every single thing

that Barry said is true.

I wondered why you were

uninterested in us.

Well, it's really your personality, Mary,

but yeah, I'm g*y.

Hey, that a**l stuff,

was he making that up?

No, Butch. The a**l stuff's all true.

No sh*t.

It is so tiring.

Believe me.

And you do sleep way better after.

I've missed work from doing it.

You weren't sick last week.

No, I went to the RNC.

a**l sex doesn't make me tired.

- Was it g*y a**l?

- No.

There you go.

Oh.

Hmm. Phil makes some important

points there, right?

I mean, I certainly didn't know

that was a true statement.

It is.

In fact, it might be

the truest statement I've ever heard.

Certainly feel like I got my exercise

jumping to conclusions today.

[chuckles] But, you know,

we all learned something today.

And that's why we

do these retreats, right?

Barry?

Please, sit back down.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Barry. I was wrong.

Oh, it's fine.

May all of us sleep like a h*m* tonight.

- Yeah.

- He knows! [laughs]

Hear, hear!

I do.

- [man 2] Hear, hear!

- [all laughing]

I'm glad we're past that.

Because I have to sh*t like a Jew.

You're a f*cking terrible person.

Health. There are so many things

you have to do to master it.

Some people eat right.

Some people do yoga.

And for some people,

the only way they can function

is to experience the nonstop laughter

with millions of fans,

knowing it could all go away

at any moment.

[man 1] Tom?

[woman 1] Tom?

- [man 2] Oh, my God.

- [woman 2] He's got a g*n?

[man 3] He's got a g*n!

- [sinister music playing]

- [woman 2] Oh, my God.

[man 4] Hold on

[man 5] No, no, no, no!

- [woman 1] Tom.

- [man 1] Put the g*n down.

[man 5] Tom, don't do it!

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

My show got renewed.

We each approach being healthy

in unique ways.

But some of us are given genetic gifts

the rest of us could only dream about.

But what if you could have it all?

Heart muscle can become excessively thick.

Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

can lead to some

very serious complications

like atrial fibrillation, which is

- [woman] Start your fitness journey today.

- Hold on.

[all laughing]

I, um Uh, I was gonna try to join a gym.

- [male student] Show us your abs.

- [all laughing]

- [bell rings]

- You're all dismissed.

You guys have a good week, okay?

It's gonna take more than a gym.

Okay, great. Thank you very much.

End of the night, there were

15 people in the hot tub.

Anyway Hey, can I help you?

This is the gym?

Sorry. I went on the website

just filling out a thing.

Mr. Hale.

- Yes?

- I got you down for a 3:15 tour.

This is our membership pamphlet.

It's got all the rules, regulations.

You're gonna wanna read that.

- Okay?

- Yeah. I just

always find a way

to talk myself out of these things.

Well, not today, my friend.

Listen, let's get your signature on that.

It's a one-year commitment,

but try not to think of it

as a commitment to a gym,

but a commitment to yourself.

You know what I mean?

Bro.

- Hmm?

- You good?

Yeah. Yes.

All right. Welcome to the party.

Get you your pre-workout shot.

Oh, I'm good.

Take the shot.

Grip and dip it.

Mmm-mmm-mmm. All right.

Day one of the new you.

You've got your rowers, runners, ergs.

You got your as*ault bikes.

One more, Eduardo.

I'm just f*cking with you, man.

We got new high bars.

Yeah, great form, man. Keep it up.

And this is the locker room.

Just take any one that's free.

Okay, cool.

So how did you hear about us?

I was actually on a Reddit thread and

- What's up, man?

- Good to see you.

People were, uh

They were raving about it.

Yeah, our fans, they go hard.

Yeah. It

Yeah. He's a good guy.

Well, showers through there.

You got any questions, I'll be out front.

You're gonna love it.

Let's get hardcore.

Let's do it.

[sighs]

[straining]

Here, here. I got you, bro.

Dude, what the f*ck?

I was good.

I was just trying to help.

That's a weird, weird way you help.

- Weird?

- Yeah.

You didn't think that was weird?

- [man] I'm sorry.

- Everything good, bro?

You know

I just I don't think I fit in here, okay?

You guys do your own whatever that was.

What the f*ck?

Nice hammer!

- Thanks.

- First day?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

First day is the craziest.

How?

Well, either your dad's Secretariat

or you took something.

The shot.

- What was that?

- Yeah. I don't know.

But it does that.

[upbeat music plays]

Dude! Welcome back.

What's up, Chief?

[woman moaning]

Oh, my God.

My man.

And in the words of the great Jonas Salk,

"The reward for work well done

is the opportunity to do more."

[all whooping]

[male student] Yes! Yes!

[woman] Yes! Yes!

[moaning]

Whoa. You satisfy me in every way.

Ah!

Oh!

Oh, yes! Yes! Ow! Ow!

- Stop.

- Wha Wha

- What happened?

- Oh!

I guess my eyes were bigger than my p*ssy.

f*cking dickzilla

trying to split me in half.

No, thanks.

[pensive music playing]

In all my years of teaching,

I've never had a less impressive

group of students.

It's not like you're gonna

end up being doctors, you know?

- You're just gonna end up--

- Come on.

Wait, I'm teaching a class.

These are my students.

Hey, what's up, Chief?

[alarm beeping]

[honking]

[tires screeching]

[honking]

Hey, what's up, man?

Look at this sh*t.

Oh, is it too much?

I'd say so!

Well, you kept taking the shots.

I thought I was supposed to.

- You read the pamphlet.

- Pamphlet?

Yeah. Day One pamphlet.

Explains what can happen.

You don't think maybe this deserves

more than a pamphlet?

We can fix it. We can fix it.

All right? Just calm down.

You go to the back hallway.

There's a door marked "Staff." Okay?

They can help you.

Best of luck.

They said you could fix this.

Very funny.

Oh, you're not gonna laugh.

You want me to hack my d*ck off?

No. You want to hack your d*ck off.

I'm giving you the tool to do it.

What kind of solution is that?

How many shots did you take?

- Maybe 20.

- God damn!

You took maybe 20 shots

to make your wee-wee grow,

and now it's too much,

so you want it to go away.

How do you think that happens, mmm?

Does it, you know, look normal after that?

Hell no! Looks like

somebody hacked your d*ck off.

Then I don't wanna do it.

Okay.

Wait, wait.

Have other people done it?

[eerie music plays]

There's so many dicks.

Do it, man.

[uneasy music plays]

Do it now.

Do it. Come on.

What are you waiting for?

Cut it off.

[whimpers]

[screaming]

[continues screaming]

[Tom] Talk myself out of these things.

Talk myself out of these things.

Talk myself out of these things.

Always find a way to talk myself

out of these things.

Bro.

Huh?

You good?

f*ck yes, dude!

All right.

Ah, thirsty boy.

Mmm-hmm. Let's get this sh*t started.

[upbeat music playing]