01x08 - Y2K

[bunniefuu]

Come.

I came to New York to be a writer.

And sure,
some distractions got in the way.

But I stand before you today
recommitted to my craft.

If given this incredible opportunity,

I am confident that I will be
the discreet, tidy, easygoing,

you'll-never-even-know-I'm-there roommate

that you've been looking for.

What do you think, Dave?

Sure. Yeah.

- Room is yours.
- Really?

Oh, my God. Great.

Because I've been staying at the YMCA,

and I'm not sure
what the song is talking about

because "fun" is definitely not
the first word that comes to mind.

Well, I was just telling Dave that, uh,
we need some more female energy here.

- Yeah, I-I'm curious.
- How, how did you two meet?

I was just coming back
from a year abroad, and, uh,

bumped into Marta
right outside the building.

Almost like she was waiting for me.

Almost.

We started talking and turns out
we had so much in common.

Like, her favorite books are literally
the same ones I have on my shelf.

That is so crazy.

It's not that crazy.

Do you have a boyfriend or?

Um, no. No, I'm...

- Mm-mm, no.
- Well, I should warn you,

the room we have available is very small.

I mean, it's definitely
not a closet, but...

I'm sure it's perfect.

I'm telling ya, it's all smiles
out there at the Christmas party,

- but we are at Defcon f*cked.
- Damn.

They're saying hundreds
of clients' personal info leaked.

No one's seen
a data breach like this before.

I.T. is sh1tting itself.

But it's nothing
compared to what's coming.

Y2K?

We're talking four horsemen
of the apocalypse sh*t.

Hey, you're welcome to join us
at my parents' place out East.

That's very generous of you,
but I think I'm good. Thanks.

Oh, just gonna

cuddle in with Random Lindsay
for the holidays, huh?

- Huh?
- Yeah... something like that.

- Sorry, Chris.
- No room at the pad for you, I'm afraid.

Associates and above only.

- Totally get it, fellas.
- I, I appreciate you even thinking of me.

We didn't.

Well, Merry Christmas, gents.

Ooh, and another thing...

- I'm gonna say it.
- It's better without him.

- It's so nice to be alone.
- Without her.

- Definitely quieter.
- And less crazy.

Don't forget, he kissed
his ex-girlfriend... with his tongue.

Who leaves their fiancée six days
before a wedding? Psycho.

You'll find someone else.

You have to.

Think of your eggs.

I'm here. That's all you need.

- You're so f*cking weird with him.
- It's Christmas!

Do you even care
that I finished my book?

- Yes!
- Uh, yeah, of course. Book. Good job.

The Unlikely Adventure
of Squid the Squirrel.

Y-You told me to send it to you
when I was finished, so.

I had a feeling about you.

You, you liked it?

I did have an illustrator I wanted
to recommend, if you're open.

His name is Mr. McGooch.

Stop.

- Really?!
- The journey of your character:

Is she a squid or a squirrel?

And then, in the end,
of course, you reveal... she's neither.

She's... she's complicated,
like the best characters are.

Yes! See, I, I knew you would get it.

But... is she also,
maybe, a little... gross?

Tentacles all over her body.

She's a monster?

- Oh, well, y-y...
- Uh, yes, uh, but... and no.

She... The... See, she feels like a monster
because she's different, you know?

But, but I, I think she could be adorable.

I don't mean to be immodest,
but even with my talent,

I have no idea how to make
the grotesque mutant

you have written, in any way, adorable.

You just said the best characters
were the complicated ones.

Well, there's complicated
and there's hideous.

Hideous doesn't sell books.

Look at The Giving Tree.

Despicable person.

Very handsome young man.

These are the realities.

Now... what if we forget
about the whole squid business

and we give our squirrel some freckles

and a ponytail

some cute bangs.

And, um, w-what, what happens
if I don't wanna change it?

Your prerogative entirely.

You'll just have to find
another illustrator.

Think about it.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

Tell me when you have a decision.

Jimenez.

Oh, Mr. Waltham.

We need to talk.

- Is everything okay?
- Sit down.

We have identified
the source of the data breach.

It's Kevin.

Kevin leaked
clients' personal information?

Not exactly.

The hackers installed
malware in the bank's system

via the deluge of pornographic films
Kevin downloaded off of the internet.

Oh.

That's, um... I can't even...

Kevin is denying everything.

And if... I'm being honest,
I'm inclined to believe him.

There's no way that kid is bright enough
to take down a network firewall.

So...

is there something you'd like to tell me?

Oh sh*t. What the hell is this?

What did you tell him?

- I didn't say anything.
- The fire alarm went off.

- That was me!
- I was buying us time.

He left for the day
for the cattle feed IPO road show.

Well, now he just wants to meet
with me first thing tomorrow morning.

He's gonna know it was me, Kevin.
He probably already does.

I mean, it's true. You were the
one who took down the firewall.

Because you and Chad asked me to!

What, what, what I'm saying is,
no one's hands are clean here.

Look... Chad is d*ck's son.
He's protected no matter what.

Which leaves you and me.

I can't go down for this.
I have a family.

You do?

Yeah, man. Melissa and the twins?

You never even mention them.

Well, why would I?

The point is,
we could both lose everything here.

We need a united front.

Yeah, okay.

Aside from the three of us,

who's the only other witness?

Chris.

He's not one of us. You know that.

He biffed the Pringles deal.

His own lead.

He has no future at the bank as it is.

Either he loses the job now
or six months from now.

It doesn't matter.

It matters to him.

I thought you had
what it takes for this job.

- I do.
- Then that settles it.

Whoa, it's... it's big.

Yeah... it's technically
a junior one-bedroom,

but pretty good size.

And you're back in the, uh...

Junior one closet?

Um,

- I finished my book.
- Wow.

I'd love to read it.

When you're ready to let me.

You really don't have to.

I would like to.

I think I may have
even found a publisher.

I mean, they... have notes,
you know, but, uh, a-all publishers do.

- What are the notes?
- Well, they think my

main character is sort of... ugly?

But it's, it's not a big deal.
And it's a really great opportunity.

Hm... how'd you land that?

Through Ted.

McGooch.

It would be under his imprint.

What a guy.

Right... okay.

So, you said you had something for me.

My dad found these in my room.

My slippers?

That's why you called me?
Is to give me back my slippers?

Actually, I wanted to get
your advice on something,

but I'm not sure
I really trust your judgment.

Wow.

And here I thought you were calling
to maybe, I don't know, apologize.

And what would I be apologizing for?

How about the fact that you
f*cking cheated on me, Miguel?!

I explained this to you!

- Fiona came to me...
- Yeah. No, right, sorry.

- She kissed you.
- Oh, too bad you were stuck in Vermont

returning your wedding dress
to your fiancée.

Because remember, you were engaged,

which you somehow forgot to mention
to me in the five months we were dating.

Yeah, I guess it's kind of like
how you forgot to mention to me

that you were almost engaged
to the woman that you cheated on me with!

That's a pretty big difference!

- Jesus, Yogurt. No! Stop!
- Hey, Yogurt!

Ow, f*ck!

Hey, shh.

- It's okay... It's okay. You're okay.
- Jesus Christ. No, it's fine. I'm fine.

- I just...
- You're okay, you're okay.

You're telling him it's okay?

- He's scared.
- He doesn't like people yelling.

It freaks him out.

He just f*cking bit me, Miguel!

- With his teeth.
- Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

You know, I don't know what it is
with you and your f*cking psycho dog.

There's nothing with me
and my psycho dog. He's old.

Okay, well, you two deserve each other.

Oh, and by the way,
congrats on the apartment.

I hear it has great amenities!

- What are you doing?
- Put that down.

Do not read that.

Hey, listen to me.

Your career is on the line here, okay?

Your future is on the line.

We got a young man's life to destroy!

In a good way. Of course.

Are you ignoring me?

Hey!

Hey, as*h*le.
Listen to me.

I'm your best friend.

I'm your best friend, man.

What the hell is going on?

I've been waiting 20 minutes.
We said 8:30.

I did it.

All of it.

Let me guess,
your dad found more slippers.

I don't know what kind of changes
the publishers are telling you to make,

and it's... it's none of my business,

but don't,

don't change anything.

Everyone tells Squid she's different.

Everyone tells her she doesn't belong.

All those voices...
the way they stay with her,

floating in her head, following her,

saying "no" to her
in a million different ways,

until she... finally

says "no" back.

Whoever told you Squid was ugly,

they don't see what I do.

Hi.

Thank you so much for coming.

I was in the area.

My latex wholesaler
is just around the block.

For my New Year's suit.

Right.

Um...

so I've made my decision.

And I realize this could be
a life-changing opportunity.

Absolutely.

But... the thing is,

my life has already changed so much,

which is exactly what I wanted.

I wanted to change
everything about myself.

And I've listened
to so many different people

telling me who I should be.

Kinda like... Squid.

Yeah, I listened to roommates,
and essayists, and writing teachers,

and marionette puppeteers
slash drug dealers, and... you.

And I finally realized

I don't wanna be
somebody else... anymore.

And I don't want...
Squid to be anybody else either.

Maybe she is ugly.

Maybe nobody'll like her.

But she is who she is.

I can't change that.

Okay.

So, uh... what's the plan?

Pound the pavement?
Cold call publishers?

I guess I'm... betting on me.

How very New York of you.

Happy New Year.

Hey.

What are you doin'?
Everybody's askin' where you are.

I was tryin' to figure out how much
of my furniture I could fit in here.

I may have to move back in, temporarily.

I, um...

I got fired.

Oh, Mig.

What happened?

Uh, it's... it's complicated.

Um... but

it's fine.

I'm fine.

Which is funny.

I've spent my whole life
scared of losing things.

And now, I've lost...
pretty much everything.

My job, Lindsay and...

I-I still don't understand
what happened... with Lindsay.

Everything seemed great and then...

It turned out, we didn't know each other
as well as we thought we did.

There were things she didn't tell me.

Things I didn't tell her.

Have you talked at all?

She came over the other night
to get her slippers,

and... Yogurt bit her.

I ended up...

I wasn't defending Yogurt, but...

Oh boy.

- There was this day...
- a few weeks after Mom died.

I came home from school,

and... you were standing outside
our old house, you remember?

We had that red door.

And you had this big smile on your face.

I remember you said there was
something incredible... inside,

something that I was gonna love.

And for a second, I thought maybe,

maybe it's her

behind the door.

Waiting.

Maybe my mom didn't die.

And I opened the door, and...
there was this little puppy

in a cardboard box.

And you said,

“Diego already decided
his name is Yogurt.”

I guess he's not just a dog to me.

Did ya tell Lindsay that?

I'm glad I didn't

'cause now she's gone.

You have to... let people in.

Okay. And then, what if...

What if... they leave?

They do.

What if they don't understand?

They don't.

What if they

get sick?

They might.

But you can't spend your whole life
locked up in your head.

You have to trust someone.

I'll see you out there?

Do you really think
she's gonna be waiting for you?

- This is tragic.
- He's not going to be there, Linds.

Bro, you should be at your dad's party
grindin' on that chick Isabela.

Don't care if she's your third cousin.

Even for the end of the world,

you're much too puffy
to be seeing anyone else.

So quiet.

I was just thinking that.

I have a lot of things to tell you.

So much.

Me too... Oh, but y-you go first.

Well,

maybe not, like, this exact... second.

I love you.

I love you.

Have we said that yet?

I was just thinking that.

I feel like we did.

I'm-I'm pretty sure I said it.

You, you definitely sort of said it.

Happy New Year!

I guess it's a new millennium.

The world didn't end.

Not yet at least.

Ooh.

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.

- Are you okay?
- Yes, I've just been,

I've been having such terrible
heartburn the last few weeks.

And, like, also feeling really nauseous,

but also, starving to death?

What have I always said?

Condoms have an efficacy rate of 98%
until you account for human error.

Oh, my God.

- No, no, no! You're still a baby!
- Oh, my God.

You're gonna be the worst dad.