01x09 - Karen Kombat!

[bunniefuu]

[Alex] You dating, you got a girl or a guy?
[Randall] Hey, hey now that's inappropriate

to be asking a colleague.

[Alex] Come on man trying to build a partnership
tell me something.

[Randall] Wel, l..

I was.

I was married once but it didn't work out
because of my my job; my career [Alex] This

job what do you mean [Randall] Yes this job!

This is my career all right.

I love my job!

And this you know...

I couldn't balance you know my love for working
for the neighborhood and her.

So I lost her [Alex] Well you just got to
get on some apps man, it's easy now [Randall]

Oh no no no, I mean i tried it one time.

I got on eharmony and craigslist it didn't
work out...

[Alex] E-Harmony, Craigslist?

Are you a serial k*ller?

Are you trying to [__] a vacuum?

[Randall] Look man I tried the app thing but
I just don't like it, it's weird [Alex] your

hands are tired aren't they?

[Randall] We have a classic cold k.o [Alex]
Stands for kKaren off.

That's two suburban moms trying to out [__
] each other.

[Randall] Relax, relax ladies.

[Susan] You tell her that her stoner son needs
to stop parking in our driveway [Barbara]

He's nowhere near your driveway you [__]! [Randall]
Okay, all right you know what to do [Both]

All right ma'am your complaints are valid
and matter deeply to us.

I'm going to file a report with my superior
But on this card there's an email in which

you can send your complaint letter.

*At same time* [Alex] Or whatever you wanna
do, I don't care.

[Randall] Do it...

Just send an email [Barbara] You know damn
well this is all because I took your place

as president of the PTA; Susan! [Susan] I
take one vacation to Maui and you usurp me,

you backstabbing [__]! [Alex] I've never
heard Karens cuss this much.

[Randall] Don't you instigate.

Don't you instigate.

[Barbara] The bake sale that grows more under
me than it ever did under you, Susan! [Susan]

Probably because your loser stoner son is
baking pot brownies Barbara.

[Barbara] You, [__]! [Alex] & [Randall]
Whoah, whoah, whoah [Randall No,no, no,no

*Comotion* [Alex] OW!

No!

God!

She bit my titty, Randall.

{Randall] Hey, hey.

Alex!

Go to the car and grab the automatic eucalyptus
spray!

[Alex] Okay, okay, okay.

[Randall] Now!

Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies.

Just calm down.

Come on why'd you bite his titty?

Why'd you bite his n*pples.

[Zoe] Hey, Alex [Alex] Oh!

God...

Zoey, um..

Uh... zoey...

Hi, what's up?

[Zoe] Nothing, uh going for some drinks with
some friends later.

[Alex] That's what's up.

[Randall] Alex!

[Alex] Um [Randall] Hurry... hurry up hurry
up [Alex] Duty calls... not like poop...

There's an altercation.

God, you look good!

All right, I got I got it I got it [Randall]
yes, yes, yes.

Breathe in.

Breathe in.

All right ladies, calm down.

Relax, you're respectable women.

Respectable.

Okay.

How about y'all just do what ya'll do all
the time and write a letter!

Let HRA handle this.

Okay?

[Susan] I will write a letter.

Allow me to say though, Randall huh...

You're quite the handsome strong level-headed
gentleman that I'm happy to have watching

the neighborhood.

I'm really sad that you had to touch that
traitorous cow.

[Alex] Hey..]

[Barbara] I'll get it to them way before you,
Susan!

Also.

I'd be remiss if I didn't agree with that
succubus, over there!

And say that you're quite the dashing gentleman.

Randall, I'd wash my hands after touching
her if I were you.

[Randall] Okay, all right.

Ladies, ladies let's just um go in our houses
okay and end this peacefully.

Okay you go to your's.

You go to your's.

All right?

Bye, bye.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, you guys are so great, you...

WHERE were you?

You're like dilly dallying, lollygagging with
you're kickily and cackling over there with

your old friend, huh?

[Alex] I was getting the bottle [Randall]
Getting the bottle?

It took you that long?

What's the number one rule?

[Alex] Never let your partner handle angry
suburban moms alone[Randall] Let's say it

together.

[Both] Never let your partner handle angry
suburban MOMS [Alex] Alone...

Yeah, I know.

[Randall] You almost lost a nipple.

[Alex] And you, almost had a threesome.

[Randall] What?

[Alex] Did you hear the way they were talking
about you?

They were into you.

*mocking* "Oh my god, Randall" "Oh my
god, Randall you're so handsome and so dark"

[Randall] Hey!

Get in the car.

You're do all the paperwork.

[Alex] Nope!

[Randall] I'm gonna write you up.

I'ma write, I'm gonna write you up boy.

*Confessional* [Randall] Little known fact,
eucalyptus spray will stop any middle-aged

woman right away.

[Randall] So after leaving me to fight off
Barbara and Susan by myself did you at least

ask her out?

[Alex] Oh dude, I can't.

Keep embarrassing myself in front of her.

I feel like such a loser with this job and
school...

[Randall] What do you mean?

I love this job...

All right?

I love my job and women love a man with a
career so.

[Alex] Well for me this is just a job.

I'll make you a deal though.

I'll ask out Zoey, if you get back out there.

Is that fair?

It's a pretty easy deal.

I know your hands are getting tired.

[Randall] I don't use my hands, okay?

[Alex] What do you use?

[Hans] Oh hello Chuck e Cheese, I heard a
middle-aged woman bit you on the nipple [Alex]

How would you even know that?

That just happened.

[Hans] I thought I told you, Alex.

I [__] your mother!

By the way I made her orgasm so many times
this week she ruined all my bed sheets.

You send that [__] to Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Have her replace my linens.

[Alex] Dude stop bugging me!

[Hans] Tell your girl Zoey to stop bugging
me.

She heard how good I give it to your mother
now she wants it too!

Oh yeah, she's slid into my dms Alex.

She's thirsty Alex.

I will quench that thirst [Randall] All right,
all right.

How's it going Mr. Hans?

[Hans] Oh, hello Randal.l I like you.

You're a good looking man, by the way.

You'd do well with the ladies.

You should come with me to the discotheque.

Unlike you, Alex.

Three more years of looking like an ejected
abercrombie model then it's all downhill

for you.

[Alex] I will [__] you up.

World w*r II style.

[Hans] Think about it Randall.

We do well.

I have ecstasy.

I see you later Abercrombie and [__]! Suck
me out.

[Alex] I hate that Eurotr*sh [__] so much.

But even he wants you to get back out there.

[Randall] I don't want to say it but, you
know, abercrombie and [__] is pretty funny.

[Alex] it's not that funny.

[Randall] it's pretty clever.

The word play was kind of you know... well
[Alex] Well of you think that's so funny

you can handle the next case on your own.

HR wants me to go fill out some paperwork
about insurance.

[Randall] Okay, don't take too long Abercrombie
and [__]. [Alex] I can still hear you rockaway!

[Randall] Han's remarks were quite flattering.

He seems to be quite the ladies man too.

First it was alex's mom, now Zoey.

Alex left me for the second time today and
of course I would have to go back to Dankbank's

house.

[knock] [Dankbank] Hey girl no don't move
cause next I'm taking a shot off your booty

hole.

Hey, what's up man?

I'm so glad you're here.

Look we need to get that half pipe fixed asap!

[Randall] Okay, look you know me.

All right?

Okay I'm not here to fix anything.

Neighborhood security.

[Dankbank] Oh randy!

What's up man?

It's good to see you bro.

Randall, it's it's Randall okay?

You say half pipe?

You're not zoned for that.

[Dankbank] What no?

I didn't say that man.

I said, I said do you have that pipe with
your big d*ck?

That's what i was talking about.

[Randall] It's inappropriate.

Listen, can you just keep the music down all
right?

Your neighbors are complaining.

I feel like I'm here every week.

[Dankbank] Okay look man, look.

I'm gonna keep it real with you.

We didn't think anybody would show up when
we posted that flyer.

Okay?

But then people just started showing up.

It's crazy man.

It's like Project X in there.

I lost control, but I promise you I'm gonna
kick everybody out as soon as I just get a

little more footage.

All right?

[Randall] Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah.

Did I just hear an elephant inside of your
house?

How did you get an elephant in your house?

There's not even room in a driveway with...

[Dankbank] No... no, okay look.

Okay it sounds like an elephant...

If there was an elephant per se in there,
we got the proper equipment to take it down

if it starts wilding.

But!

That's only if we had.

But we don't.

*Elephant roar* [Randall] I'm telling you.

You got to get together.

I just hope you don't have any drugs or underage
kids in here...

[Dankbank] Well not everybody in this party
is of age okay!

[Connor] Dankbank!

Bro! whose [__] baby is that dude.

[Derek] BRANDON!

That's my best friend man.

[Randall] It's Randall okay and did he just
say a baby?

There's a baby inside?

[Derek] No according to california law...

I don't know what the [__] I'm talking about...[Randall]
He has a line of coke on his nose...

[Derek] Hey this is not coke!

I'm not a child!

This is ketamine, I can see sounds..

[Randall] Ketamine?

Isn't that like for tranquilizers?

[Confused] I don't wanna...

[Dankbank] Well duh!

How we supposed to take down the elephant?

*Laughter* [Derek] HA!

We almost got two of them!

[Dankbank] No!

Shut Up man!

Hey don't listen to him he's drunk.

[Randall] You know what?

I'm gonna presume that you guys had a prescription
for ketamine.

But I'm gonna have to report the baby.

[Dankbank] What are you serious?

[Randall] Yes [Dankbank] Man wait are you
serious or are you ketamine me right now?

Hahaha Hey, let's laugh at my jokes.

*All Laugh* [Randall] I'm calling it in!

I'm calling it in!

Getting on my nerves.

[Dankbank] No man!

Look I was just playing around bro.

Don't shut me down man.

[Randall] Man just make sure everybody's out
of here the next hour okay well I'm gonna

report you to the hoa no all right no don't
make me requisition for bu that's a serious

one that is the serious one randy when did
you get here no no we got this his name is

his name is randall branson i got you I'm
sorry randy sorry randolph randall randall

i will call it in it's random damn youtubers
these followers no respect followers and i

just don't [__] with bugs for that reason
i understand the disgusting alex what's up

man what's up you're supposed to be at hr
i thought it was an urgent matter yeah there

was and then zoey asked me to walk it through
are you aware that you're not supposed to

take off from patrol for non-work but what
I'm about to write you know alex come on man

i wasn't even doing anything no no no i should
have known him knowing you was lazy getting

excited about pistachios without shells don't
ask wait it's not his fault so i left my purse

in the house and i didn't want to go back
in alone so i asked alex to escort me there's

like an elephant in the backyard or something
yeah anyways so don't blame him blame me he

was on his way back to you and i stopped him
i promise

well i guess since you are saving a girl in
this dress I'll let it go this time oh thank

you man i promise i was coming right back
can i stay on for a second randall affirmative

what's going on

so um I'm going out for drinks in the village
with some friends can i buy you a drink for

helping me find my purse i would love that

but i think i have to finish my shift and
probably handle some paperwork after that

hey alex uh if you want to go i can handle
it we're almost done so are you serious yeah

that's cool i got it you know randall i actually
have an older cousin that's about your age

she might be perfect for you if you want to
join us later dude yes come with us no no

no no that's fine it's friday i gotta you
know normally calibrate the decibel meters

but thankfully offer can i catch up to you
in a second yeah bye randall miss zoe

you said if i asked her out you would get
back out there so let's go well you didn't

ask her out she wanted to reward you for doing
your job totally different okay but thank

you for the invite maybe another time yeah
yeah another time also uh i just forgot i

got this like disco thing later with uh what's
his name oh yo hans you [__] trainer

you