01x03 - London Zoo

[bunniefuu]

As Britain heads bedwards
and off goes the light

And we in our jimjams
turn in for the night

Somewhere a legendary
tourist attraction

Is about to witness
some out-of-hours action

They've given the keys
and opened the gates

To two of the country's
very best mates.

This is madness!

SHRIEKING

You're not normally allowed
to do this sort of thing.

Oh, brilliant!

Comedians Josh Widdicombe
and Alex Brooker

are going on an
adventure of a lifetime.

Oi!

Look at that!

As a nine-year-old,
I dreamed of this.

There's just no-one
here. So good.

We are an odd couple.

"Hello, Josh. You
all right, mate?"

Oh, my God, I do not like that.

We've got absolutely
nothing in common...

Argh! ..but we get on very well.

Hello. Oh, mate. Well done.

But they won't be on their own -

they've also invited some lucky
mates to share the night with them.

SHE SQUAWKS

Whoa.

Nothing's off limits as they're left
unsupervised for the whole night.

I feel like Robin Hood!

To make sure they don't
fall asleep on us,

we'll set them challenges
wherever they go...

"Do something you think has
never been done before."

You get a fish! You get a fish!

And put their friendship
to the test...

Ow! I'll save you! I'll
save you! Stop! Put me down!

Like never before.

You're my best mate.
I love you, pal.

It does feel a bit
like we're going

to star in our own kind
of little buddy film.

Which is worrying cos that mainly
makes you think of Thelma & Louise.

I hope it's one
with a happy ending!

Oh, God! Whoa! Ugh!

This week, Alex and
Josh are joined by pals

Guz Khan and Desiree Burch.

Go on, then! You're not
putting it in there, man!

As they're let loose inside

London's most famous
wildlife attraction.

Four mates, 20,000
animals, no grown-ups.

This is...

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Come on, mate.

Josh! Josh!

You have to be joking.

As ever, Alex has sorted some
transport to pick up Josh.

Only this week, he's
gone a bit overboard.

That is the biggest waste of Channel
4 budget I've ever seen in my life.

It's going to hit!

All right?

Have you got your sea legs?

Have you seen the James Bond where
Sean Connery puts the hat on and

he's just one of the most attractive
men you've ever seen in your life?

Is this reminding you of it?

No.

The hat's similar.

With London Zoo just
off Regent's Canal,

all Captain Alex has to do
is travel in a straight line.

Whoa!

Oh, my God, this is horrible.

Stop! Oh, my God.

Argh!

I'm genuinely buzzing.

I get to go here a lot with my
kids, but to go here at night

and see what the animals
get up to... Oh, mate.

I don't want to brag -
I am a silver member.

The difference between me and
Josh - I've got a season ticket to

Arsenal, he's got a
season ticket to the zoo.

So why do you love
the zoo so much?

It's great cos it's fun, it's
animals, it's entertaining.

Obviously I've got a connection
with animals cos I'm a vegetarian.

Often when I'm going around,

I can see they kind of nod at
me as a kind of, "Thanks, mate."

I'm really excited to see
what the animals do at night

cos obviously the day, I've nailed
that, I've got that in the bag.

I know what they do in the day.

But at night, that's a whole new
world of what the animals are up to.

I'm not massively
into me animals.

Mum had a German shepherd
that used to bite me.

I hated that dog.

I had to stay upstairs

and the dog would
stay downstairs.

It was awful.

My mum would bring me breakfast
and then put my lunch in the corner

because obviously the
dog had the kitchen.

I've never trusted animals,
really, since then.

Yeah, well, I suppose if you
have been held hostage by a dog,

you do have a slight PTSD.

The boys won't be alone tonight -
they've invited along some company.

So, two perfect
people to join us.

Desiree Burch. Oh, brilliant.

Loves giraffes like
any sane person does.

I don't dislike them,

but I just don't understand
what the big thing about 'em is.

Well, apart from the
neck! It's the neck!

I know I'm going to see giraffes
and I love giraffes so much.

I can't wait to see
their long tongues.

I do hope one licks me.

I wonder if everything
else is long on them.

And Guz Khan, who
wanted to be a vet.

I did want to be a veterinary
specialist when I was younger

and then I realised how
good you had to be at maths

and that dream went
out the window.

If they was about vibes, I'd be
the best vet on Planet Earth, mate.

You know what I saw the
other day on Instagram?

A Rottweiler vomit out a dildo.

It swallowed it.

Check that out if you can.

NARRATOR: Yeah, I think I'll
stick to cat videos, thanks.

Right.

Pfft!

Zoo, here we come. Ready? Yep.

Just put that on there.

Is that how you park a boat?

You're meant to tie it.

There's nothing to tie it to.

Zoo, here we come!

London Zoo is the oldest
scientific zoo in the world

and opened its doors
to the public in 1847.

It's home to over
20,000 exotic animals,

many of which are
threatened species.

And for one night only,

our g*ng will have the
whole place to themselves.

You're not going to flash
that card when we go in.

The old silver membership.
They'll know me.

Gorillas, lions, tigers - you
have to be in the enclosure

with one of them. How
long for? A minute.

Yep. Which do you choose?

Gorillas. Gorillas?

Yeah, because I think I could
probably just make myself

big for a minute.

No! That's not what
you're meant to do.

I'm going to bet 98% of Alex's
knowledge of animals will be

based on Hollywood
action movies.

If we get through tonight
without him mentioning Jumanji,

Planet of the Apes or The Jungle
Book, then I'll be very surprised.

Have you seen
Planet of the Apes?

So you're meant to, like...

If you go small...

No, genuinely, so in it...

He's like that. Don't push me!

But he's like... He's going
to bite your hand off!

No, he's not!

Look. They're up there.

Whoa!

He's going for it.

He is, cos he knows I'm an ally.

You're an ally!

Maybe I'm going to end up
being more at one with nature.

That could be something
that'd be amazing.

I could say, "Do you know
what? I'm an animal guy now."

More than a million people visit
the zoo every year, but tonight,

the gates are being locked with
only our four explorers inside.

Look at that!

Hi! It's good to see you.

Oh, my gosh. You look so cute,
like we're going to get on a boat.

We've just come on a boat! Yeah!

Oh! Did you really
come on a boat? Yeah!

We came in an Addison Lee!

What kind of trade-off is this?

Right, well, let's see some
animals. Yes, please. Yeah!

Let's see all of the animals.

I've been to the zoo a
lot with my daughter.

We've got a kind of
book of what we've seen.

Tiger, seen.

Porcupine, seen.

Gorilla, seen. Right?

Mongoose, not a bloody sniff.

Two words -
mon-goose. Up for it?

You're in luck, Josh - there
are nine Asian dwarf mongooses

housed in the zoo's
Land of the Lions.

GUZ: And what do you lot
know about mongooses, then?

It says it eats snakes.

I would love to see a
mongoose trying to eat snakes.

They may be the size of a domestic
cat, but these little things can

k*ll a king cobra with
a snap of their jaws.

And it's feeding time.

The keepers have left
them a little snack.

What's in there?

Don't worry - it's not snakes.

Oh, man. Oh!

Argh!

Sorry, sorry!

They're, like, crickets,
but they're, like...

Are they moving? Yeah,
they're alive. Yeah.

I'm-a do it, I'm-a
do it, I'm-a do it.

Gross.

She's taken the whole lid off!

I definitely had to
feed the mongooses

because there were three
boys going, "Ugh! Argh!"

How about this?

Argh! What's wrong with you?!

I will end you!

I don't really like creepy-crawlies,
if I'm honest. I'm quite, er...

kind of squeamish.

Here you go, not so
bad, not so bad. Woo!

LAUGHTER

Josh and Alex are coming with
exactly the kind of energies

that I thought they would.

They're scaredy-pants,
to be honest with you.

You saw Josh, he
nearly had a meltdown.

Whoa! Hey!

Don't like creepy-crawlies.

Hate spiders.

Any animal without fur.

b*stard there!

He's got it! Whoa!

Yeah, there's peer pressure.

When you imagine peer pressure,

you imagine it's like smoking
a reefer at the age of 14.

Whoa! Whoa!

Didn't like that!
That's not for me.

You don't imagine you'll be
peer-pressured into feeding

a mongoose with a cricket.

Well done, though.
Well done. APPLAUSE

I wish I had never found that box.
You totally faced feast your fear.

Well done.

Shall we go and find
some lions? Yeah. Yeah.

Do you reckon there'll be a
Tupperware box full of goats

outside the lion enclosure?

LAUGHTER

While our foursome have the
whole zoo to themselves, we'll be

sending instructions to help
guide them through their stay.

GUZ: So, it says, "Welcome to
your one night in London Zoo.

"There are just a few rules
to follow while you're here.

"If this phone gives you an
instruction, you must follow it."

OK. "There will be
challenges." Yes.

"Whoever wins the most will
be exempt from mucking out."

Mucking out!

Oh, mucking out! Mucking out!

"Enjoy your one
night in London Zoo."

I am not cleaning a damn thing.

So far this series,
Alex is undefeated,

but will tonight be
Josh's first victory?

I love the zoo.

I know about the zoo and Brooker's
afraid of anything that moves

so I can't foresee him

being anything other than a
disastrous embarrassment tonight.

Here we go. There he is!

Oh, my gosh. Whoa!

Oh, my goodness. Whoa, look
at him! He's having some kip.

It's time to meet the king
and queen of the jungle.

The zoo is home to two
rare Asiatic lions,

Bhanu and Arya, who enjoy
their peace and quiet.

All right, mate?

Brooker...

What? Attenborough
does not do that.

Well, if he did, just imagine
how much better it'd be.

I agree, it'd be way better.

That majestic lion with
his bollocks hanging low.

If lions are the
king of the jungle,

Guz Khan is the
king of man-t*tties!

I got 'em and I like 'em.

He's like, "I've clocked off.
I know when this thing closes.

"I don't have to do anything."

Here we go. Oh, oi, oi, oi.

Hey! THEY EXCLAIM

There's the money shot.
Oh, my word. Hi, baby.

Look at him. Wow. Wow.

Give us a roar, mate.

"Give us a roar, mate."

That's what they
respond to, innit?

Oh, here we go.

He is amazing.

Whoa, look at those paws. Wow.

That was brilliant.
I loved the lion.

What a noble man...

I say as, obviously, he's
behind bulletproof glass.

It was amazing, seeing the lion.

I mean, for a while, we were
just staring at his backside,

but then when it turned around,
look at the size of its jaws.

That lion would
genuinely rip my head off

and I've got a massive head.

LION ROARS

Coming up, our
g*ng are set their

very first challenge
of the night...

Oh, my God! Where
did he come from?!

And wannabe vet Guz
learns a big lesson.

GUZ: What is it, is it a horse?

It's 6:36pm in Josh's favourite
place in the whole wide world,

London Zoo.

I reckon I go to London
Zoo more than Attenborough,

yet he gets all the credit.

But I'm the one putting
in the hours here.

But Alex is yet to be converted.

Once I've seen, like, a little
monkey, I'll be, like, "Oh, there

it is," and I don't want to hang
around until it flings sh*t at me.

With thousands of animals to
see, they'd better get a move on.

Yes! Don't ever expect
Alex Brooker to walk.

No.

The doctors thought
that as well.

LAUGHTER

Fear not - we've laid
on a buggy for you.

Showing off that
card, weren't ya?

There we go. Go on.

Whoa! All right, all
right, calm down!

How did I think you'd be the one

with the heavy foot
on the accelerator?

It's time for the first
challenge of the night.

GUZ: g*ng, we've
got another message.

OK. Hit me up.

"Head to the squirrel
monkeys, baby."

Oh, I know the way, don't worry.

I don't think they're as impressed
by my knowledge as they should be.

I've got a terrible
feeling they're

not impressed by my
silver membership.

Silver member coming through.

Silver member coming
through. Stop that!

Apparently him and his children

have visited this zoo 84
times during lockdown.

He should have a platinum one.

They've done him over.

Here we are, the
squirrel monkeys. Yes.

Masks. Don't worry, mate,
it's not my first rodeo.

Oh, hey, look at you. Yeah.

Yeah, it's masks all round

to protect the monkeys
from human diseases.

Now they're ready to get
up close and personal

with 22 Bolivian black-capped
squirrel monkeys.

Whoa!

But be warned - they can bite.

Honestly, I can't
afford to lose fingers.

These are staying up here.

This might sound ridiculous,

but I'm really protective
of the health of my hands.

I get really nervous about
something happening to them.

If you're nervous now, Alex,

wait till you hear what
the first challenge is.

GUZ: We've got
another message here.

"Squirrel monkeys regularly
wash by weeing into their hands

"and rubbing it into
their feet and legs."

Do they want us to do that?

Not quite, Desiree.

"They may have mastered
the art of cleaning,

"but they still need help
getting on the scales."

Don't we all, mate? SHE LAUGHS

"You'll be in teams of two."

I think me and you
should go together. Yeah.

The teams must lure a monkey
onto the scales to weigh them

while using the microchip
scanner to identify them.

I'll scan.

Even the keepers
struggle with this one.

The team that weighs
the most monkeys wins.

Let's get our first monkey.

Whoa! There's too many of them!

Oh, there we go. It's
somebody. OK, it's...

154. That's how much he
weighs. His number is 567.

I guess there was another
one standing on there.

That's the first one. Right, next
one. OK, go away. Go away! Go away.

That's for you. Go away. Bye.

I'm trying to get
some of them off.

Just throw some food
over here, I reckon.

Whoa! That was a mistake!

I didn't know how much
was going to come out!

Oh, here we go! This one, quick.

Oh, my God! Where
did he come from?!

VO: I like these animals at a firm
distance so I can appreciate them.

There's too many of 'em!
He's going for my feet!

I've never seen
anything like it.

This is impossible!

Josh was just, like, "Oh,
what we do? What do we do?"

I'm, like, "Accomplish the
task that we were given."

We've got one so far, which, to
be honest, as things are going,

is quite a good score.

Ready? Yeah.

Ding one of them.
What number is he?

No number!

Ooh!

Ugh! I'll be honest,
this is going very badly.

This is going horribly, man.

They've weighed a
staggering one monkey.

I'd love to go, "Yeah, the
problem is we went first."

The problem was,
we were dog sh*t.

Right, time for Guz and Alex to put
their monkey where their mouth is.

Right, you're on.

Move, man. Move out the way.

I can tell you this is
already going to go horribly.

Scan him. What's your name?

Have you got him?
Oh, he's got one!

0572.

Yeah, mate. He weighed 0.648.

You! Move from there!

No, don't chuck it near me!

The streets. The
jungle. Same thing.

You've got to assert
your dominance.

Them little monkeys
think I'm scared,

you know what they're going
to do? Start pulling me beard.

What if one of them
takes a fancy to me beard

and starts trying to shag it?

Then what? Are you
going to save me? No.

Get this guy on
here. Here we go.

What's your name?
Oh, you got him!

He's 0572. Is that a different
number? That's the same one!

I thought it was 0572 when
I saw him. What's your name?

OK, he is 3943.

Yeah, but what does he weigh?

No, there's two of them
on there! So 1.4...

Oh, there he is! That's
him! Yeah, there he is!

0.794. Oh, you've done it!

Celebrate!

We won by one monkey.

PHONE CHIMES

Ha! "Congratulations,
Alex and Guz.

"You won that challenge."

Fair enough. We're
going second next time.

Alex is a bullshitter, right?

So you come in and he's,
like, "Oh, I'd be an ally

"of the gorilla and I'd do this and
the gorilla would get my respect,"

and the minute he's close
to a tiny little monkey,

he's sh1tting himself.

He's the worst ally since
France in the Second World w*r,

I'm telling you that for free.

Everyone can see it was down
to Guz. Guz did all of it.

I just did some writing,
which, if anything,

is actually a little
bit inspirational

cos I'm sure there's people at
home who think I can't write.

Monkey admin done and with
an empty zoo to explore,

Josh decides where the
g*ng will head next.

Giraffes for me. Love 'em.

I do love giraffes as well.

It's all about the giraffes.

Are you a big fan of
giraffes, Desiree?

Oh, my God, I love them so much.

I've always thought they were
so elegant and gorgeous and tall

and also they got tall so
that they could eat more food.

Like, if that's not an animal after
my own heart - it was just like,

"but if I do this, I can
get some more food..."

I don't dislike 'em, but I
think there's a lot of hype.

There's a lot of
hype?! Yeah, there is.

They're not Kasabian!

LAUGHTER

Located in the zoo's Into Africa
area, the giraffe house has been

home to long-necked beauties
since way back in 1836.

Keep calm, no shouting.

Giraffes are kind of
chilled-out beings.

What? Yeah. How quiet
do we have to be?

Shut it!

London Zoo is home to
two sister giraffes.

Females can grow
up to 4.3m tall.

Hello. Oh, my
word. Look at that.

Look at how pretty she
is. Oh, my goodness.

You've got to say
that's amazing, right?

Yeah. I mean, it's cool.

Do you want to know their names?

Do you know their names?
I do know their names

cos I've seen them before.

This is Maggie and Molly.

Maggie and Molly.

Named after Maggie
Thatcher... Oh, OK.

And Mollie from The Saturdays.

Clearly!

Wow. Look at how pretty they
are and how tall. It's amazing.

They are very
majestic creatures,

but they look like they've got a
bit of privileged streak in 'em

and the were literally
looking down on us

and one of them was called
Margaret - or Maggie - and it was

true to life. Me, working class,

and that lanky, Tory
giraffe looking down on me.

b*stard.

What is it, is it a horse?

No, that's a giraffe. Yeah.

No...

Imagine the Grand National
if it was on giraffes!

I don't want to be mad, but it
does look tasty, doesn't it?

Oh, come on now, Guz.
No, I'm just, like...

No, I'm saying, you've
had burgers before.

I haven't. I'm veggie. You've
never had a burger? No.

No, you have had
a burger before.

I haven't had a burger.
In your whole life? No.

Can you eat giraffe?
Is that, like, a thing?

Can I eat giraffe?
You can eat anything.

It'd be a strange
place for me to start.

The giraffes were
completely incredible.

I just loved them so much.

It was a dream come true.

Shall we get a selfie of
us all with the giraffes?

We definitely need a selfie.

Alex, you look like you're
being photobombed by a giraffe.

When people are so enthusiastic
about something as Desiree

and Josh were about giraffes, then
you can't help but warm to it.

With giraffes ticked off the bucket
list and 36 acres of zoo to explore,

there's still plenty to see
before the sun goes down.

Look at these things
on your right.

What, plants?

That!

Whoa! Look at him!

Look at that ugly brute!
Is that a warthog?

It's a warthog of
some kind. Yes!

GUZ SNORTS Hey, mate.

NARRATOR: Do you know, you
really could be a vet, Guz.

London Zoo has two Bactrian
camels - Noemie, who's 17,

and Genghis, who's 14.

These guys can drink up to 57
litres of water in one sitting,

but, contrary to popular belief,
it's not stored in their humps.

Oh, wow.

Do you know what
I love about them?

It looks like they condition their
hair, doesn't it? It's so fluffy.

SHE LAUGHS Yes!

Josh, I think you can feed
one. Look at that, bruv.

Yo! Oh, this is the best day...

Oh, my God!

Right, here we go. They
were about to take Josh!

VO: I fed the camels. You had to
really hang onto the branches.

Look at those lips go!

He looks like he's talking!
"All right, geezer?"

Was it childish, trying to make its
lips move by teasing it with leaves

and then dubbing over
my own voice over it?

Yeah.

"Josh, why don't you piss off?"

That's the most I've ever
seen Alex Bond with an animal.

Or human.

Coming up, as darkness falls,

things get creepy...

Oh, my God, look at
the size of that one!

And we find out what the animals
get up to when the lights go out.

GUZ: Are they doing it yet?

By day, the zoo
welcomes 3,000 visitors

to marvel at its
extraordinary residents.

PENGUINS SQUAWK

But now the gates are closed,

and for one night only,

four comedians
are locked inside.

But before the
sun has fully set,

our four are heading
to the farmyard area

designed for kids
to hang out with,

well, kids. GOATS BLEAT

The farmyard's
slightly underwhelming

after seeing giraffes
and camels, right?

But if we get to
touch something,

that's now quite whelming.

The zoo has three pygmy
goats and two dwarf goats.

To be classed as pygmy, a goat
must be under 57 centimetres.

Any taller and they'd
just be a... goat.

No entry. Should be. That
should be us, shouldn't it?

Should be a perfect way
to get in. Look at that!

All right, geezers.
OK. Hello! All right.

Hello, goats. Hi!

I think it's time for
another challenge.

PHONE BEEPS GUZ: Message,
ladies and gentlemen.

Please say it says,
"Cuddle all goats."

In teams of two, you
must herd the pygmy goats

into the circles
drawn in the yard.

Shall we do same
teams? It's up to you.

I'm happy with the same
teams. Yeah. I'm happy.

The goats are trained to follow
a bell and rewarded with food,

so our guys have both.

The team that herds the most
goats into their circle wins.

Right, let's coax.

Oh, wait, they're
going the wrong way!

But first, they have to
get them out of the pen.

GUZ: They're coming! Wow!

I feel like I'm on
an Austrian mountain.

Do the bell again,
Brookes. BELL RINGS

If I was running this zoo,

I'd get the goats
more prominent, mate.

They're more fun than the lions.

You can't herd the lions.

Come here, goats. Here we go!

Yeah! Here we go. Right, then.

Good, good, yeah. Run with
the bell! Run with the bell!

I think Josh, he's kind of grown
up around animals, more so than me,

and I think probably he'll have
done some herding, won't he?

As soon as they get through,
lock them out. Yeah.

Bell, bell! Aargh!

Oh, for God's sake.

Can't we just pick 'em up?

Nah, I'm sound with goats.

Even when they
were mugging us off

and trying to run
away, what did I do?

Come on, pygmy goat.
Yeah, good girl. Come on.

You see how I did that?

I herded them in and they
knew who the gaffer was - me.

Oh, they're going,
they're going!

Oh, the food! Oh, the food!

In here, guys.

In here, look. This one.

And you.

Have you got any more food?

Good. Good, goaties.
Good goaties. Come on.

Here, mate. No,
no, no, no, no, no!

You can't manhandle a goat!
No! Come here, cuddle.

You all right, guys?

We've lost.

I've made everybody
proud back home

by holding five
goats in a circle

using nothing but
my sheer willpower.

PHONE BEEPS

The winners of the
goat-herding challenge -

Guz and Alex. Oh, what?

It was a group effort.

We got them in our circle,

and then Guz just
ushered them across.

You can't remove a ball
from a football net

and then put it
in the other goal.

I don't know what the FIFA of
goat herding would make of that.

I'm not trying to shovel no sh*t.
Yeah. So the more we win, the better.

All right. Back to the car?
Yeah. Yes! Let's do it.

I feel like I'm on a sinking
Josh Widdicombe ship.

He does not care about
mucking out or whatever.

He's all, like, into
animal poop or something.

It's 8.47pm,

and as darkness
falls over London,

the animals are turning
in for the night,

so there's no time to lose.

I'm going to give one of you
a free choice. What next?

Pick me. OK.

I'll pick you,
Desiree. OK, look.

It's spider time. Oh, no!

Whoa. Oh, yeah!

I just want to feed it
other bugs and watch them...

All right, stop saying bugs.

Insects?

I think we're very similar.
I don't like creepy crawlies.

No. I don't like
stuff like that.

No. Spiders.

No. Things like that. No.

No, not at all.

Like, they make me go...

They're awful and they've
got too many legs.

DESIREE LAUGHS That's
why he's friends with me.

THEY LAUGH

I'm very excited,

because it's not like I
love spiders or anything,

although it is a very
female-dominant species,

so, well done,

but what I love is watching
these three squirm.

Spiders are pretty important.

They eat all the horrible stuff.

I love Desiree, but
I hate this idea.

I HATE it.

NARRATOR: Well, you
won't like this, then.

This is Europe's only
walk-through spider exhibit.

With over 130 spiders
waiting inside.

There's also a tube of flies
waiting for them at the entrance.

I'm gonna grab some flies
on the way in. What? Huh?

Are you effing kidding me?
There's flies to feed them.

Who are you? Mr
Miyagi? Yes, I am.

There's, like, a web right here.

Whoa! See.

Yeah, wow. Oh, look at that!

No, no, no, no! Whoa-ah-ah!

So... Ah!

I thought the zoo was
going to be the fun thing

and suddenly I'm going into
a spider realm at night.

Oh, my God! Look at
the size of that one!

Yeah, it's pretty big. Whoa.

It's awful.

But the problem is, I know
Brooker feels the same,

but it's like who blinks
first, do you know what I mean?

sh*t, look at that one
there. It's moving! Oh!

I don't like this!
It's not gonna...

Oh, it's so big. We saw the
way he was with the crickets.

Look, I didn't like them.

Yeah, I think probably
Josh slightly edges it

in terms of the wimpiness.

Where? What? Why
are they everywhere?

Look at that! Oh, there's a
ginormous one here. Oh, f*ck off.

So I don't know...

Do you know what? I thought
I'd be more frightened

but I'm just fascinated
by them. You're loving it!

Right. I think we're done here.

Game over. We've had
our fun. Let's get out.

Damn it. Oh, she's got one.

She got one, yes. Yes!

Right, you're dead inside.

I feel like, you know,
impressed with myself,

but I think them
being so afraid...

Oh, my God! JOSH SQUEALS

helped me to be a
little bit braver.

Oo-eeh! Ooh!

I felt very protective
of Josh and Guz.

I felt like I should, like,
keep my eye on both of them.

So it was all right.

I actually felt fairly...
A little bit safe in there.

Honestly, it made me feel better
about the spiders I see in my house.

Look at... Oh, my God! The
size of that one over there.

I thought I dealt with
that quite well, actually.

Brookesy did us proud.

The one you really
want to worry about,

who I'm really worrying about,

is that sociopath,

Desiree Burch, yeah?

Yes!

SHE LAUGHS

That's like a whole kid's hand.

Brooker's still in...
Brooker's fine with it.

I have to say, Alex, I'm pretty
impressed that you stayed.

Can you see it? Oh, here he
is. f*cking Peter Parker.

Yo, Desiree's still
fully in there,

feeding flies to the spiders.

Can we do something
less intense?

Don't touch me. Don't
worry about that.

Shall we go?

I said before we started this

that all of you little boys
were gonna squeal like piggies

when we got to the bugs,

and I was correct.

You did so well, sweetie.

Right, I don't like
being patronised.

DESIREE LAUGHS

It's 10.04pm and all the zoo's
enclosure lights are switched off.

After a hard day at the office,
the animals need their sleep.

But Josh has come prepared.

Why don't we stop here
and have a look round? OK.

Cos I have got
night-vision goggles.

Oh, yes, please! Yo! Yes!

They work and everything.

Whoa. Oh, my God. This is
the coolest I've ever looked.

I'm going to tell you now,
it isn't. DESIREE CHUCKLES

Genuinely, that's the
reason why we're pals.

Night-vision goggles.

Ha-ha! Oh, wow. Oh, my God.

Very cool walking. You can't
tell distances, can you?

OK, this way. Shall
we go left here?

All right, whoa.

I can't see an effing thing. No.

I quite wanna see, like, lions,
with night-vision goggles.

I think that'll
look really cool.

And just to confirm, they're
all behind glass, yeah?

They're all behind
glass. Good, good, good.

NARRATOR: While most
of the animals snooze,

the lions are still
very much awake.

In mating season,

lions can have sex once
every 20 to 30 minutes

for three or four days in a row!

That's one hell of
a mating season.

GUZ: So we're looking out for
good, firm, hard lion d*ck.

THEY LAUGH

LIONS ROAR

Oh, sh*t! Oh, my God. No!

Wait, wait, wait. He's
right in the window.

Look! Oh, my God.

Yes!

Whoa! That is intense, mate.

Lions. Unbelievable.

I genuinely... It was like nothing
I've ever experienced in my life.

I was the first one
through the door.

Straight away, the big one, the
geezer, is just looking at me.

And then just did a big
roar, and I was like,

"Oh, sh*t."

Ooh, wow.

If it wasn't for a six-inch
pane of glass... Yeah.

Oh, we'd be getting mashed up.

Yes. Yes, that's true.

Us two, these lot
behind the camera,

everybody would be getting
munched in here, bruv.

DESIREE LAUGHS

Oh, this is the closest
I've ever been to a lion.

No sh*t.

Are they doing it, yet?

No, he's just looking at her.
They're just talking about doing it.

He's just looking... They're
negotiating the terms.

Have some confidence.

You're a good-looking guy.

Cheers, mate.

Just go over.

I did feel a little sorry for him.
He's waiting to make his move.

You don't want to do it
with everyone watching.

You'll never know
if you don't try.

We were cramping his
style by the end.

I bet they were right at
it the moment we left.

Nobody wants to say that,
like, the romance has died.

Are you really ever going to be able
to come back here in the daytime now

and just be like, wait
with everyone else,

see if you can see a
lion from far away?

I have a feeling we might
be cramping their style.

Do you reckon? Shall
we leave them to it?

I might stay another
five minutes.

All right, you enjoy yourself,
Guz. Can I stay with Guz?

After all that excitement, the
g*ng have worked up an appetite,

even if the lions haven't.

Staff only. Staff only. Nice.

Here we are. Oh, that
stinks of dead zebra.

Wow! Blood ice cube.
What? That's a great idea.

Little blood lollies.

Ugh! Like a Calippo.

The guys have arrived
at the kitchen

where all the animals'
food is prepped.

Ah, radicchio -
don't mind if I do.

Some animals even get
treats for movie night.

It says "popcorn for hogs".
Oh, hogs eat popcorn.

Is that different
to human popcorn?

Oh, yeah! I've never seen
popcorn machine before. Oh, mate.

It popped up. Wow,
look at it go.

Have you guys never
seen popcorn happen?

I've never made popcorn
before. Really? No. Whoa-h*!

Agh! Whoa!

Stop.

Stop.

No more.

I tell you what, I'm
going to take this

and go back to that lion enclosure,
see if they've started shagging yet.

I don't want a bit of
popcorn, no. So dirty.

Hold it up like that.

Mm-hm.

DESIREE SCREAMS

No!

Josh slammed on the brakes.

I look like an absolute tit.

I just thought it would be a bit
playful - popcorn going everywhere,

like a kind of
fright in the cinema.

All that was going
through my mind was,

"Just keep hold of the popcorn."

And I don't know why
cos it was disgusting.

Does your face press against
the glass? Yes, it did!

It was like...!

It's now ten minutes
past midnight

and zookeeper rules mean when
the animal's head to bed,

so do our lot. Luckily for
them, the zoo has rooms on site.

Unluckily, it's right
next to the lions.

LIONS ROAR

Oh, look at this.
Oh, this is nice.

It's cute but it's still in
the middle of a zoo, innit?

There have been some
amazing experiences today.

Obviously, I love the zoo.

It's the nicest place I
could ever imagine staying.

I just can't wait to go to bed.

Actually, it feels like one
of the most peaceful places

you could ever sleep
in London. Yeah.

We have definitely bonded
throughout the course of the day.

I mean, we definitely shared some
things that we will never forget

and always talk about.

Oh!

Been a long day. We
experienced a lot.

You know what, yeah?

There's lions over there
trying to have it off, yeah?

There's owls going, "Hoo!"
everywhere. was a good impression.

There's all kinds of wild
stuff going on around here.

LION ROARS

Josh, did you hear that, mate?

Go to sleep and stop thinking
about lions having sex.

As morning breaks, we
set the final challenge

and the g*ng get friendly
with the penguins.

You get a fish. No way.

You're not having
my fishy fingers.

MUSIC: At The Zoo
by Simon & Garfunkel

It's 7.38 at London Zoo
and in just a few hours,

the gates will open
to the public...

but it seems one of the
animals has broken loose.

Morning.

Have you had a breakdown? What?

No, just got into it, haven't I?

Thought I would sleep like this.

Are you sure those loans haven't
bred and you're the result of it?

Absolutely not.

It was, um... Yeah, I
don't know why he did that.

See you in a bit.

I'm strictly either
animal onesie or naked.

On my wedding
night, it was both.

It looked like his future role as
children's entertainer had just come

five years too early.

Hmm. First day at school
vibes. Where are these kids?

Morning.

Guz. Guz.

You look tired, Joshi,
babes. I'm all right.

I'm fine. You look terrible.

Well, wakey-wakey. There
are animals to see.

Hello. Hello, guys.
Hello. Going to chat?

That's ten grand's worth
of bird in there, you know?

Two grand a pop. If we can get them
in the car boot, we're laughing.

PARROTS SQUAWK

MESSAGE ALERT Oh.

Oh. Guys, we've
got a text message.

"Good morning."
Morning. Morning.

"Make your way to
Penguin Beach." Yeah.

Shall we had to Penguin Beach?
Really fancy a beach right now.

Please insert Silver
membership, yeah?

I had a dream last night that
I'd been upgraded to Gold.

The heartbreak on waking up.

Penguin Beach is the country's
biggest penguin pool.

It's designed to look
like South America

and is home to 63
Humboldt penguins.

Oh, look at these legends.
Here they are. Brilliant.

Oi, oi. Oh, mate.

Like, hanging out with your mates
in the morning in the pool. Yeah.

Like a holiday. What
a way to meet up.

Whoa! Look at him go.

He's flexing on it. I like it.
They're putting on a show already.

Look at that. Look at him go.

It's feeding time at the zoo

and we have a final
little surprise in store.

MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, a text message. Oh, yeah.

In the 18th century, penguins
were nicknamed "arsefeet",

cos their feet were so
close to their arse.

Oh, that's like the person who's bad
at nicknames coming up with a name.

Oi! Arsefeet! It's so
childish, isn't it?

It says, "Make friends
with a penguin.

"The person who makes the
most feathered friends wins.

"You won't be in
teams this time.

"There are buckets of fish
to help get their attention."

This is a solo mission. I haven't
got Guz to carry me again. Yeah.

The comeback starts here. Right.

SHE MOUTHS Get some fish.

I'm excited about this.

First up, they get to give
the penguins their breakfast.

Wahey! What's happening? Come on.
Here we go. Yeah, guys. Wahey!

Guys, you can actually straighten
the gob. Come on, penguin!

God, they get it down
them, don't they? They do.

Hey, Cheryl!

You get a fish, you get a fish.

The thing with these penguins,
you've got to treat them mean,

keep them keen,
that's what I've done.

I have been giving them less
fish, so they'll come back to me.

Everyone else is coming
across as a bit needy.

This is where the
challenge really begins,

but Josh isn't the only one
with a trick up his sleeve.

So, obviously, everyone else
has dashed their gloves away -

this guy, these will
still smell of fish.

I can't believe I'm the
only one who thought,

"Let's keep the gloves
on that smell of fish

"to attract the penguins
that we've just given fish."

I saw Josh taking his off straight
away and I thought, "Moron."

No way. You're not
having my fishy fingers.

Oh, there they are.
Oh, hello, guys.

Now they've fed them,

the question is, will any of the
penguins be friends with them?

Come to me, my friend.

Remember, the one who makes
the most friends wins.

Oh, you b*stard.

I still need them. I hope you
have had all the kids you want.

Oh! My brother, please.

I think Guz is the most popular.
Yeah, I do. What are you doing?

Are you trying to bond
with the penguins?

No, it's not buying it.

Hello, mate.

When you're in the
animal kingdom,

it's not about you
bonding with them,

it's about them
bonding with you.

And there was clearly
something there.

Do you want to know
something, Brooker? What?

Penguins don't really
have a sense of smell.

What, with a nose that
big? Yeah, apparently.

I'll have to go
freestyle, then, won't I?

Now I know they can't smell.

You can have a little
nibble on that, mate,

if you like a prosthetic.

There we go. Have a little go
on that, boy. Yeah. He likes it.

He's loving it. He's laughing.
He watches The Last Leg.

After one night in the
zoo - oh, and a morning -

it's time to find out who's the
winner and who will be mucking out.

MESSAGE ALERT

We've got another
text, guys. Yeah. Yeah.

It says "Congratulations, Guz,

"you have made friends with the most
penguins, you've won the challenge."

Oh, mate. Well done.

Your ball sacrifice
was not in vain.

Go!

They love you. They love
you. They really love you.

Guz Khan - the South
Asian Steve Irwin.

The answer is yes,

I will be hunting crocodiles
from here to the Everglades.

Is that where they are?

MESSAGE ALERT This text
message is even better.

"Guz Khan, you are the winner
of One Night In London Zoo.

"Enjoy the rest
of your morning."

Unbelievable. Great
stuff. Congratulations.

"Desiree, Alex and Josh, you must
now muck out the camel enclosure."

Oh, the camels! OK.

That does seem a bit stupid,

especially as I was told
to take my gloves off.

Josh told me that they don't
have a sense of smell, so I took

the gloves off, but I shouldn't
have believed him because they do.

See, I've played the long game.

Alex thought that I knew
what I was talking about

so I just told him penguins didn't
have a sense of smell and he threw

off the gloves and now he's lost,
so I'm quite pleased with myself.

Josh has mugged you, bro. I
haven't mugged him. Really stupid.

Josh has sewed you up there.

That's my problem.
I just trust Josh.

Trust him too much - he tells
me something I believe it.

As a victor of this
entire situation, yeah,

reigning victorious, do
I get a Gold membership?

Because that would really rub
salt into the wounds of Josh

if I could have
a Gold membership

and just show him it
is we leave the zoo.

Can you facilitate that?

It was a lovely experience with
the penguins and now I get to go

and watch Alex muck out, absolutely
livid, look, he's still angry.

Josh and Desiree won none.
How has that worked out?

How am I lumped in with
them, scooping sh*t?

Also, you'd better
have foot coverings cos

I ain't getting
sh*t on my Yeezys.

Brooker, what are you doing? Putting
some shoe coverings on. Oh, my word.

I ain't getting poo on
these, mate, I'm sorry.

Protect the Yeezys at all
costs, my brother. Yeah, mate.

Oh, this looks fresh.

Some of it looks like it could
be in Hotel Chocolat, doesn't it?

A little bit. That's great teamwork,
guys. Does this look fun, Guz?

Are you jealous?

This feels like a false victory

cos I'm still very close to
massive lumps of camel sh*t.

I made a promise from the
beginning of this entire journey

that we've been on - I said,

"I ain't mucking out anyone's
sh*t apart from my own."

You know, listen, you lot, I'm
glad to see you're enjoying

clearing up this so much,
but the zoo is nearly open.

There's kids about. Can we
get a move on? Can we go?

They're all going, "Is that TV's
Josh Widdicombe cleaning up crap?"

There's a massive
pile over there, mate.

Yeah, thanks, Guz, cheers, mate.

There we go. Come on.
That's got to be us done.

There's still so much crap.

With the zoo now getting busy, our
One Night In has come to an end.

I mean, I didn't know I'd
be so happy to shovel poo.

I have had the most
amazing time here.

I feel like I've gotten closer
to closer to all the animals,

the boys included.

If you think about all the stuff
we've done in the last 24 hours,

it's pretty amazing, when
you think about the giraffes,

seeing those lions
late at night.

That was incredible.

I think I have changed
my mind about animals.

Those penguins are all right.

It's been a really,
like, unique experience.

I'm never going to
forget this experience.

I got to bond with penguins.

I got to see lions in their
essence almost do it and finally...

Gold membership. No. No!

Yes.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

It's not even proper gold, it
looks yellow, mate. It looks great.

But it lets him in
everywhere. Everywhere.

There's no-one here. So good.

We've got the keys to Legoland.

You have to follow
the rules of Lego.

Oh! Oh, bloody hell,
you're good. Whoa!

I'll save you,
Josh, I'll save you.

You don't need to go so fast!