01x05 - King of Queens

[bunniefuu]

So, this is a dating app

for men under 5'6".

This one is for guys who say they read

Infinite Jest and women who can't read.

This one is King of Queens:

ugly guys and hot girls.

All sounds bad.

There's Puckered for Parolees,

Coffin Season,

and an app for Koreans,

but it's mostly white dudes.

- Does normal Tinder exist?

- [Kayla] It does.

People just use it

to buy and sell used furniture.

- But, fine.

- [Percy] I'm so excited.

You dating again

and moving on from Eliza.

Percy.

She already knows about your big crush.

She forced it out of me.

You begged to tell me on the ride home.

I don't think it matters who begged who.

Maybe you're right.

I need to put myself out there.

- It's the best way to move on from Eliza.

- [Percy] Right.

- I could be your Hitch.

- I don't love being Kevin James here.

I get that. Who would?

But there's only one person in this room

who could play the suave,

young Will Smith type.

[chuckles] Uh-oh!

- Don't get me started, man.

- Okay, what gives?

I thought you two were in a slap fight

or something.

That eviction thing

is water under the bridge.

- It's gravy between me and Timmy.

- [Timmy] It's just business.

- Can't stay mad at my P-dog.

- Do I have to be here?

We need a young person

who knows what the hell they doing.

- Can't this wait?

- [Kayla] Sit.

- Hmm.

- [Kayla] Tuck your chin.

Ugh.

Hey, can you look

less like you own a ukulele?

I'll use the one from your Yelp profile.

- That's a stock photo of a ladybug.

- Here's your profile.

- Start swiping.

- [Percy] Ooh! Let's go.

Huh. Oh!

- This girl is a pediatric nurse.

- Hey.

Whose favorite band is Sugar Ray.

I'm not ready this.

- I wanna date but this feels too fast.

- No, Timmy.

Yes, too fast for Timmy.

Setting up a profile is a good start.

- Leave it at that.

- You can't just quit in the middle.

This isn't mid-Season 3 of Empire.

Look, I wanna move on from Eliza,

but I need to take it slow.

The last time I dated we all hated

Anne Hathaway for some reason.

Don't wait too long.

You're a business owner.

You did the Whole 30, twice.

And you smell good.

You are in your prime now.

- What's it like living such a dream?

- It has its ups and downs.

- Don't fall for it.

- Sarcasm.

- [Percy] Almost got you.

- Come on.

[theme music playing]

No, I get that

you're coming from practice.

I just prefer that you didn't wear

soccer cleats to our date night.

No, I know that Buffalo Wild Wings

doesn't have a dress code, it's just

I am excited.

Okay.

Great.

See you there.

- Couldn't help overhear.

- I saw you miming pushing buttons.

You have a distracting voice.

But is everything okay?

Yeah, Aaron and I

have been doing these date nights

ever since we got back together

and I guess I just forgot

how different we are.

Like, he wants to do a zombie themed

escape room,

and I never wanna do that ever.

Well, what do you want?

Oh.

Wow, uh

Candles, flowers.

Just a simple dinner.

- Somewhere that doesn't do commercials.

- Does Iron Creek have that?

There's this new French restaurant

that just opened called Petite Maison.

You know they only have

like six or seven months

before they close

and become a Jiffy Lube, so

The French restaurant

to Jiffy Lube pipeline.

- Our town hates nice things.

- Have you told Aaron this?

No, he's really trying.

I don't wanna make him feel bad.

- You've come to the right person.

- You were eavesdropping.

It's simple.

When I want something

and Raul doesn't get it,

I just drop hints

until he thinks it's his idea.

The trick is to be very subtle.

Hmm

[French music playing]

Bonjour, mon Amelie.

Your cashmere blend

has a certain je ne sais quoi.

Uh huh?

Hey, bud. Hey.

Carlos? I'm ready to check out.

Oh, um, we're doing self-check out today.

You practically work here.

And you're the only one

who rents How the West Was Fun.

Well, my encouragement calendar did say,

"Let today be an adventure."

So

[beeps]

Oh.

[beeps]

Ah, Los, you all right?

My ex-girlfriend got married.

- Oh, no, that can be

- To herself.

Yikes.

Sorry, it's saying that DOS is offline.

What's your problem of the week?

Hit me. I'm on fire today.

Carlos' ex married herself.

- Huh. How does that make you feel?

- Relieved.

We broke up

after that Modest Mouse concert.

[Hannah] Can't believe you dated someone

who married themselves

or listened to Modest Mouse.

I wouldn't think that would be your type.

- I don't have a type.

- Everyone has a type.

I dated five Santa Clauses

before I realized

I'm attracted to men who work at the mall.

It's saying there are no copies

of New York Minute,

but that's the movie

I'm trying to check out.

What is it with you and the Olsen twins?

They have a lifetime

of working off each other.

Aw.

You see, I fall in love

beyond type or exteriors.

I'm attracted to souls.

- [both groan]

- Excuse me for containing multitudes.

I guarantee I can figure out your type.

Let's start with Damon.

Damon is totally different

from the guy I'm going out with tonight,

who was totally different from Marie,

who married herself.

She didn't even have abs.

Hmm. Abs, abs, abs.

BLM square.

Abs, abs, abs.

- [French music continues]

- France. French.

Snails and hard bread.

Unrelated, that Bourne Identity poster

remindsme

we should try that new French restaurant.

Oh. Yeah, I guess technically

that movie was set in France.

[Aaron] Yeah, the best parts.

Great idea.

Is that Friday?

What you know about Friday?

- "You just got knocked the f*ck out!"

- Why are you still here?

- Don't you have a store to run?

- I do. The only people in my store now

are ones that ask questions

but don't buy anything.

Hey, why do party plates

come in packs of 16?

Fifteen and 20 are right there.

If I knew the answer

to that profound question,

I would tell everyone.

There he is. Timbo, hey.

How's my favorite smooth-ankled

Blockbuster owner?

Uh, good.

I know you're a busy,

sexy little businessman,

with your monocle and your top hat,

but tonight's trivia night

at the Ripped Donkey

and you promised you'd go with me.

So, what do you say?

- Oh, uh

- That sounds so fun.

And weren't you just saying

how free you are tonight?

He just said that.

Yes, it does sound fun but, ooh,

tonight's tough because

I have a lot of business stuff.

You know, paper, pens, stapler.

I wish I was on that plate,

then you could just eat me up.

It's okay. I'll never stop trying, ever.

I had to come by anyway,

I need to re-watch Pretty Woman,

for the sex moves.

I honestly aspire

to be so openly off-putting.

It worked. Me and Aaron

are going to Petite Maison tonight!

Yes!

It always works to trick your husband.

Yeah, but a good trick, though.

Like an ollie.

- It's a real date.

- [Timmy] Wow! [chuckles]

Congrats on the date.

Looks like old A-Ron is stepping up

to bat a big romantic French homer.

Which is so very European.

And so cool for you and for me as well,

because I have a date too.

Yes, me and Rene are going to trivia night

at the Ripped Donkey tonight.

- Really?

- What? You are?

We are?

- We are.

- [Eliza] Congrats.

- I guess love is in the air.

- Yes, yes, love is in the air. Oh!

You've heard of fifth base?

That's also where we're going.

[chuckles weakly] Oh.

Oh, gosh.

That was so gross

and hot at the same time.

It's not often you see a cheek kiss

with tongue.

Her tongue was rough like a cat.

- God, what did I do? I have to cancel.

- [Percy] Hey.

- I can't actually go on a date with Rene.

- Rene is Rene is Rene.

- It's not a crazy idea.

- No, it's a crazy person.

She has truck nuts on her Miata.

Look, you just need some

low pressure dates to get started.

You put Eliza on a pedestal.

The good thing about Rene

is she's on the floor.

Despite what that sounds like, I get it.

Rene's a lot, but she is a business owner.

Gotta admire a woman

who beat pink eye so many times.

- So many times.

- She is resilient.

Timmy, trust me,

I just wanna see you get over Eliza.

And I just want

something to do besides work.

A low pressure date.

- Ooh, uh-oh.

- Okay, maybe. I

- We're starting up. I feel it coming.

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay.

- Get it rolling.

Get it cranked up, baby.

Get it cranked up.

- Elbow.

- Up.

[grunting]

[barking, howling]

So, you're attracted to Tyler Perry.

As Madea, important caveat.

I'm also attracted to Tessa Thompson

in the Taika Waititi-Rita Ora throuple,

Indya Moore in Escape Room 2,

and Brad Pitt in Benjamin Button,

but when he's old, so hot.

Okay, so this isn't working.

Ooh, guys! Me and my girlfriends

used to play a game

where we picked which of the Ninja Turtles

would be the best boyfriend.

Since they look the same,

it's all about their personality.

- Little sixth grade sleepover, I like it.

- We're turtling the playing field.

- [knocks]

- [Eliza] Hey Oh, wow.

I'm not used to seeing you

in outside-of-work clothes.

Like when I saw my geometry teacher

restocking milk at Kroger.

Well, what do you think?

Buddy, walk me through

the thought process here.

Chain over a collared shirt and a sweater.

I'm gonna lose the chain.

It's part of an old and now problematic

Halloween costume anyway.

- [both chuckle]

- May I?

Hmm. There we go.

There.

Much better.

So date with Rene, huh?

At the Donkey?

Is she allowed near the darts

after the incident?

The DA couldn't prove motive.

Also, it's platonic.

But you have inspired me to

start looking for a serious relationship.

You know,

someone to share all of this with.

Oh.

Cool. Proud of you.

Yeah, I just feel like it's time.

You know?

Yeah.

Well, I better get going.

We have reservations at 7:00.

Yeah. Have fun and tell Aaron I say,

"What's up," I mean, "Hello."

Or don't tell him anything.

I'll just e-mail him.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

But Leonardo is ambidextrous.

So hot when someone

can use both their hands.

I mean, Michelangelo's a party boy,

but I think it's Raphael for me.

Okay, I'm more lost

than with the celebrities.

Hey, we talking Turtles?

- [Connie] Hey.

- [Carlos] Whoa! Okay, Timmy.

You look like a cool English professor

with an unorthodox,

but exciting approach to teaching.

Who knew you could look this good?

I don't know. No one, I guess?

- What's up?

- We're trying to figure out Carlos' type.

But all the people he's dated

are so different.

- We're

- Turtling the playing field.

So, what iteration?

'90s live action,

Saturday morning cartoon,

Michael Bay reboot I refuse to recognize?

Either way, the most attractive turtle,

hands down, is Leonardo.

He's a born leader.

Okay, have a great night.

Yeah.

He's our Leonardo.

I hear they have an excellent soufflé.

- Oh.

- Do you wanna?

[clattering]

[clears throat] You want a soufflé?

Because there's there's also coq au vin,

et boules de boeuf and moules marinières.

Oh, someone got

their Google pronounce on. [laughs]

I practiced for an hour and a half

but probably saying it wrong.

- [both laugh]

- Well, thanks for trying.

Bonjour, monsieur, madame.

Anything I can start for you? Beverages?

Yes, I will have a glass

of this Chateau Montelena.

Do you have the beer where

the mountains turn blue when it's cold?

No, we most certainly do not.

Sorry, of course.

Just nervous.

- I'll have whatever beer you have.

- Of course.

In a glass, bonjour.

Jim Henson, Mario Lopez,

Kris Jenner, and Biz Markie.

- I would Freaky Friday with any of them.

- Uh-huh.

I wonder how Kermit's

vibing in heaven now.

I'd love to see the other side

through that lens.

Can you please shut up?

I'm trying to cancel Timmy's other dates.

- What?

- Yeah, well, I messaged all these women

that wanna go out on a date

with Timmy tonight.

Don't cancel.

You want Timmy to have more than one date

while he's with Rene?

Sometimes you gotta jump out the car

and hope the semi behind you slows down.

But isn't this

I can't believe I'm saying it,

but a little mean?

What's going on?

Look, ever since Eliza showed up,

all he cares about is her or the store.

I miss my boy.

So is that why you've been spending

so much time with me?

- Reply all: "See you tonight."

- Where you going?

I'm going to the Donkey to watch.

I'm not missing this.

I'm in.

- I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.

- Come on.

- We're a team.

- [Kayla] We're not.

I'm trying to get rid of you.

- [Hannah] It's like Tinder in real life.

- [Carlos] Okay.

Swipe left on the customers you don't like

and right on the customers you do.

Finally, something that

kind of makes sense.

Uh, left on her. She looks kind.

Ugh. He always says thank you.

She smiles way too much.

We get it, you have teeth.

You aren't special.

- Left, left, left. I hate Quinn.

- I don't even know if they like movies.

They come in here all the time

and make everything about themselves.

I once got caught in a 4-hour conversation

with Quinn about AM radio waves.

Yeah, that's gonna be

a big swipe right for me, dawg.

You could tell Quinn

to come Quinn me over.

All right, trivia daddies.

Next round is "Places I got colds in."

Whoo! We love you, Motown Larry!

[Motown Larry] Hey, Motown Larry loves

all you. Okay, first question.

In Chicago there's a famous building

with the same name as a department store.

Is it the JCPenney Tower,

the Nordstrom Tower,

the Kohls Tower, or none of the above?

How'd he get the name Motown Larry?

Motown Chuck doesn't

have the same ring to it, does it?

Wait, is his name not even Larry?

Oh, I love a Long Island iced tea.

Oh, did you want to get another straw?

We could tr*mp and tr*mp it.

No, I'll stick to my diet White Claw.

I think Motown Larry

doesn't know that the Sears Tower,

is now called the Willis Tower,

but, either way,

the answer is none of the above.

Oh, here we go. Thank you.

Wow, sexy and a scholar.

A friend scholar.

The correct answer was none of the above.

Which means our leading team is still

Rene and Timmy's Most Excellent Team.

- Oh, okay.

- Are you Timmy?

Uh Yes, hi?

- I'm here for our date.

- I think you're here for some other Timmy.

- I don't have a date tonight.

- Yeah, except for our date.

Which I will remind you

is more of a meeting amongst peers.

You're less weird looking in person,

which never happens.

I mean, this is you, right?

Wow, I am so proud of you.

Want to make a profile

of your mom's new boyfriend

and mess with him a bit?

I kind of already started one.

Mm! That's my girl right there.

[laughs]

Yeah.

I've been to the Maldives seven times,

but one was a layover.

The first couple times,

I went with my parents

You into this?

That toothy freak left you her number.

Yeah, there's just something about them.

If you go to the Maldives,

I recommend an eight-day trip.

Seven is doable,

but you're not getting enough 'dives, IMO.

Oh, my God. I know what your type is.

- You like self-absorbed people.

- What? No.

I picked Raphael not Donatello,

who's obviously the self-absorbed one.

Oh, please.

Donatello's more self-absorbed

than Raphael?

- Now you just sound crazy.

- [Quinn] So nice

- Oh, God. You might be right.

- I know I am!

Flying private, though,

it's not the luxury people think it is.

It's all here.

The ex-girlfriend who married herself,

the personal trainer

who only cares about his abs

and performative activism,

and Quinn, who never stops talking

about themself, no offense.

I used to play rugby when I lived

in London for a quarter semester abroad.

I like to live offensively,

always ready for a bungie jump,

swim with sharks, bite of raw chicken.

I'm up for anything.

I'd swim in a pool of blood if I had to

So, I messaged you to come here

for a date with me tonight as well?

- Yep. And you were quite forward.

- With me too.

You texted, "Let's let it all hang out."

With a GIF of Lenny Kravitz

splitting his pants.

Objectively hilarious.

Timmy, what the hell is going on?

- Yeah, start talking.

- I

[Percy and Kayla laughing]

Okay, so funny story.

Um

My friends have been trying

to help me get over someone,

but I'm not ready to date yet,

so they must have called you all

to give me a push.

I am so sorry.

Can I make it up to you with an Uber pool?

Yes.

Typically having two other women

on my date would be a deal-breaker,

but my therapist said

to be more open-minded.

So here I am starting over after a divorce

and two freak ski accidents.

Yeah. At least you're not married.

My Zumba class got canceled anyway.

- Must be fate.

- [Rene] No, no.

- It's really It's

- Okay.

Okay. Look, if I know Motown Larry,

and I do know Motown Larry intimately,

he's not gonna allow us

to add two new players.

So, you know, why don't you ladies

kindly just get the hell out.

Why don't you get another Long Island.

- Okay?

- [scoffing laughter]

I will get myself another LII

when I am good and ready.

- Okay?

- Hey, anyone read any good books lately?

[all] Bossypants.

"First, Lord:"

- "No tattoos."

- "No tattoos."

- [all laugh]

- Yes!

Oh!

Didn't realize my type was Tina Fey fans.

That book is why I had my

Winnie-the-Pooh tr*mp stamp lasered off.

- Stop.

- Same.

- Yes!

- Great, we're getting along.

Okay, so I'm gonna grab another round

before this changes.

Hey, Eliza, what happened

to your whole fancy date night?

Still happening. Aaron's parking.

He really wanted a beer where

the mountain turns blue.

So and turns out

I don't really like French food.

I think I just wanted him

to want to take me there, I guess.

I don't know. It's stupid.

No, it's not. I get it.

Thanks.

So, are you on a quadruple date right now?

Oh, yes, it's going very badly.

Didn't take you for such a chick magnet.

Oh. Sorry. I think I got

jalapeño margarita in my eyeball.

Oh, God.

- Oh, can I borrow that?

- Yeah.

- Here.

- It really burns. Oh, yeah.

Hey, are you okay?

I knew I dated narcissists,

I didn't think I'm, like,

literally attracted to them.

I get it.

A himbo that doesn't ask

personal questions. Heaven.

I think you're afraid

to show people your true self.

You refused to tell me

your last name until a month ago.

Well, I've had a lot

of near misses with identity theft.

[groans] Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am too guarded.

But I'm afraid to open up

because I could get hurt.

Or worse, someone could leak

my sordid past to DeuxMoi.

Knowing the problem

is the first step to making changes.

My God, should I be a therapist?

Or at least, like, a fixer?

You gonna cancel your date tonight

with abs guy?

You could come with me

to my friend's bovine birthing ceremony.

As horrifying as that sounds,

I'm not gonna cancel.

I deserve to bore someone

with the details of my personal life.

I can't think of a more romantic place

to do it then Petite Maison.

It's two weeks tops

before it's a Pep Boys.

- I need an oil change soon.

- I don't care if a first date's too early.

I'm gonna talk about

my childhood battle with gout.

Tonight is all about me.

He just wants to sleep with him.

Is a jalapeño seed in there?

- I don't see anything.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Damn.

Yeah, this sucks.

I really wanted to help him

get over Eliza.

I knew there was a part of you

that actually cared.

Yeah, whatever.

So it wasn't just about

getting me off your back.

Maybe you even like

hanging out with me a little.

Looks like we're moving on too.

I wouldn't know by how you're dressed.

Looks like you kidnapped

Johnny Depp's stylist.

Try being more like Timmy

and change your life too.

Bottle of Jameson, please.

I think we're good.

- [both laugh]

- Oh, wow.

For what it's worth, you look very fancy.

In my dress I felt obligated to buy

because the sales girl

got dumped that day?

Thank you. You too.

I haven't seen you this dressed up

since the midnight premiere

of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Wait, if all Aaron

wanted was a Coors Light,

isn't there a bar

right next to the French place?

This is my Cheers.

Your nickname for the Ripped Donkey

is sh*t Bar.

Sure you weren't checking up

on old Timbo?

It was on our way home, okay?

Enough about the logistics of my night.

So who you taking home?

Oh. None of them.

I'm just happy to be nominated tonight.

Not even Rene?

"I want to deworm you, Timmy."

Oh.

Yeah.

I better get back to my dates.

- Thank you.

- [bartender] You're welcome.

[Rene] I can get us a discount

on Spirit Airlines.

My 13-year-old cousin

just got his pilot's license for them.

Girls' trip.

- Amazing.

- Yes.

All right, who missed me?

- I did.

- Thank you.

[sighs]

I know tonight was kind of a bust,

but I wanted to get you something.

- I'm trying, E.

- Okay.

No. No!

Chocolates from Chocolate by Bonnie Ray?

You drove two towns over,

two hours round trip on Car Crash Lane

and that weird bridge

to get my favorite chocolates?

[chuckles] You are worth

all those foggy near-death turns.

Let's go.

I don't need my magic mountain beer.

I just need you.

That's a good idea.

- I did good?

- Did real good.

- [Rene] Like Queen.

- The best.

- Yeah.

- So, which one of us gets the rose?

I wish I had three roses.

[all laughing]

["Mija" playing]

♪ Dream big, mija ♪

♪ You can see the world ♪

♪ Everything the sun touches is yours ♪

♪ Don't focus on this place, nah ♪

♪ Dream bigger than anything ♪

♪ Then focus on that race ♪

- You were meant for big ♪

- Big ♪

- Yeah, I'm talking real loud ♪

- Real loud ♪

Got me feeling like your dad

♪ Real proud ♪

Listen, anything boys can do

♪ You can do better ♪

And no man will love you more

♪ Than me ever ♪

♪ Your mom too ♪

♪ Rooting for you always ♪

♪ Focusing on your future always ♪

♪ Take care of your brothers and sister ♪

♪ You only have each other on this earth ♪

♪ Mija, dream big ♪

♪ Anything you can do, you can do big ♪

♪ Big ♪