01x09 - Fresh

[bunniefuu]

[theme music plays]

[George] Boom.

Can you make it normal

next time?

I'm gonna be 12

in a month.

Okay.

12-year-old boys don't like

little mouse pancakes.

Got it.

Dad

can I please have

a paintball party for my birthday?

I told you, I have

no problem with it,

but I need to discuss it

with your mom again, okay?

And she's leaning more towards

the Pottery Corner. So

Thank you for letting me

sleep in this morning, guys.

- Yeah.

- I really needed that.

Morning [speaks Farsi].

Morning. [laughs]

- Mom

- What?

Dad said I can have

a paintball party for my birthday.

Oh.

All right.

Orion, I told you

I need to confirm it

with your mother first.

You guys ruin everything,

I hate you.

- Honey.

- It's what he wants.

It's his birthday.

What would I tell the other parents?

That's so violent.

Anyway, I already booked

Pottery Corner.

Come on, babe,

they're 12-year-old boys.

I think that other parents

will understand

- if they would all rather

- Rather what?

Hone their k*lling skills?

Come on.

If every boy who played

paintball turned into a k*ller,

there'd be no room left in juvie.

[scoffs] Juvie.

You know what you sound like

when you say

stuff like that, Will?

[scoffs] No, Yasmin,

what do I sound like?

Like an old white man.

Well, I am a 44-year-old

white Irish male,

so technically, that does make me

an old white man.

So you are correct.

And this old white man,

who 100% stands behind

g*n control reform,

believes that his 12-year-old boy

should be able to play

paintball with his buddies

because wait for it little boys

like to play with g*ns.

They always have,

and they always will.

Okay. I'm just saying,

no one should be playing

with g*ns right now,

even if they're plastic.

Okay. All right. Fine.

If you feel this strong about it,

I'll tell Orion it's a no go.

All right, but not because

he's gonna be a k*ller,

or because I give a crap

what the other parents think,

but because

you're his mom,

and you're a great mom,

and I love you.

And as far as

my big white privilege goes

Oh, my gosh.

Are you serious right now?

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Ew.

I heard everything.

[chuckling]

You guys are disgusting.

- Sorry, buddy.

- God. [chuckles]

♪♪♪

Kai?

Oliver?

Sarah?

Watch this. [laughs]

- I'm gonna trick Mom

- Oh, my God, she's gonna find it.

- No!

- No.

- [on tablet] Dawn!

- Hello?

Uh, hello?

Good morning, guys.

- [kids] Morning, Mom.

- Anybody want breakfast?

Sarah made us eggs in a hole.

That's what she said.

[Ell] Really, Oliver?

This early in the morning?

Where's your dad, Oliver?

Slipped out again.

Okay, because he's gonna

have to fold up his tent

if he's not using it.

[on tablet]

Go to your room, now!

What are you guys watching?

"Hanging with the Sobies."

It's a YouTube family

reality show.

They prank each other and stuff.

It's so funny, Mom.

So okay, so basically

that's Dawn.

She's 14, and her mom

just found out she's pregnant.

Oh my God. That's awful.

Uh, yeah.

Dawn's very complicated.

It's fake. She's tricking her.

She's not knocked up.

She left a fake positive

pregnancy test

on the edge of her sink,

knowing her mom would find it.

- [on TV] You're pregnant?!

- [on TV] Well, what if I am?

Okay, so basically they're,

like, wannabe

pranking Kardashians, right?

I just I'm so bored by rich people.

What?

Mom, everyone loves them.

They have like 500K followers,

okay? And honestly,

I wish I had their life

instead of this crappy one.

W-what?

Code red.

It's her period.

[on TV]

You're so gullible, Mom.

You almost

gave me a heart attack!

Can you believe they shot

it all on an iPhone?

How can you walk around

with your feet looking like that?

I am so sorry.

Can't tell what she's

thinking behind that thing.

Maybe that's why they wear it.

Or do you think it's

because of that Chinese flu?

[whispers] Mom.

They're from Korea.

And they wear those masks

because nail salons

are super toxic.

You say that like

it's my fault somehow.

No. [scoffs]

I warned you, Anne.

When you told me

you were gonna get married,

I said that boy is too young

and too poor for a girl like you.

You're not Jewish.

Although you could've

fooled me.

I always told you that

your father not being Jewish

was my single greatest regret.

But you wanted a child.

You were getting to that age.

Mom, can you please stop?

You know, I think I'm just

gonna leave them plain.

Thank you.

Your feet will look unfinished

without polish.

Why don't you try my color?

She'll have the Jungle Red, too.

Yes?

Jungle Red.

Yeah.

[in Korean] What a c**t!

[in English] I think I'm gonna

have them plain.

They're my feet.

You always take things

the wrong way.

[scoffs]

One day, I'm just gonna

have enough

and I'm just gonna stop

trying, and giving.

Well, who knows?

Maybe I'll be the one

who's finally had enough.

Finished, just buff and shine.

Thank you. They look great.

Oh, by the way,

I was thinking,

I should take back

that Murano vase.

It's a very expensive piece,

and with all the comings

and goings at your house

No offense.

No offense taken.

- Yeah, I'd like you to have it.

- Yeah.

Yeah. I think it would look

better in your house.

Okay.

♪♪♪

[Anne chuckles] Hi.

Hey.

- How you doing?

- I'm good. How are you?

I'm good. I'm trying to get

my immune system

back on track, though.

I just spent a week in

a musty cellar inventorying wine.

- Does that work?

- Oh, my God.

Yeah, this is amazing stuff.

You get my email about

the Salton Sea exhibit tonight?

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

I've just been uch,

dealing with life.

Life.

Sucks all the life out of you.

- [chuckles] It can. Yeah.

- Yeah.

- You feeling okay?

- Oh.

This is actually for my au pair.

Yeah, she's, um

she's pregnant.

- Ah.

- Yeah. Nineteen,

doesn't know who

the father is,

and not even sure

if she wants to keep it.

- Hmm.

- Yeah, she's turned into my second kid.

[sighs]

Do you have kids?

No.

- No?

- No.

Do you want kids?

Well, I'm 52, so that would have

to involve a younger woman,

which, uh, would not be fair

to the attractive women

in their 40s.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, late.

- Late 40s.

50s are beautiful. [laughs]

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

So what do you think?

Tonight? You up for it?

Yeah, I don't have my son,

so I'm good. Yeah.

Great. Meet me at

the gallery, 6:00 PM?

- Yes.

- It's in the email.

- Okay.

- All right.

- I'll see you then. Bye.

- Bye.

[Jerry] You know, we're lucky.

This editor is a big deal.

Just hope there's an elevator

in this place.

I've been thinking about it,

I really think

that we need to go in there

and the first thing

you need to tell them is

that we're gonna tone down

- the existential nonsense, okay?

- [Justine] Wait, wait, wait.

No, but listen, I really

wanna talk to him about this

because I just think

it's what makes the book special.

I just hope they have

a bathroom in there

because I had a horrible

conversation with Rebecca.

- [pants]

- Wait[sighs]

Are you guys still

are you back together?

She's the love of my life,

Justine.

Okay.

So, first of all

I want to say how much

I love the existential tone.

The self-deprecating humor,

fantastic.

So unique for a cookbook.

I can only agree.

And the prose! No half cup of this,

two tablespoons of that.

Well, that's why I don't bake.

You know, cooking is so much

more intuitive.

You've positioned yourself

smack in the center

of the cultural zeitgeist.

A complicated female chef

with a dark sense of humor?

That's gold right now.

In my opinion, you could

go even more absurd,

almost Kafkaesque.

Well, I I don't know about

like c*ck and cooking.

Camusesque, then?

Yeah, that bit about giving

birth to a quail.

- I kept that.

- Yeah.

Does anybody

want an antacid?

- No, thanks.

- Gone are the days

of the happy,

chubby Jamie Oliver.

Just do me a favor,

please don't k*ll yourself.

I need you

out there promoting this.

And tomorrow

for the photo sh**t,

we've locked in a fantastic

photographer and everything.

- [chuckles] Amazing.

- Fantastic.

I'm so excited.

- In a dark way.

- Just don't k*ll yourself.

[chuckling]

♪♪♪

[phone buttons beeping]

[line ringing]

[quietly] Darien, this is not

what I signed on for.

I'm translating carpet deals?

Really?

So, sometimes a carpet

is not just a carpet.

Well, it better not be

in this case or otherwise

they're completely wasting

my time.

No, Will and I are doing great,

why are you asking?

- [Orion] Mom, bye.

- I got to go.

I'm coming down

to give you a kiss, [speaks Farsi].

All right.

We'll meet you in the front.

[Anne] I really wanna go

to the Salton Sea now.

No, no, no.

The more people go,

the more people k*ll it.

That's the vicious circle.

Okay. I will not go.

[chuckles]

Should uh

should we head back?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'll call an Uber.

No, come on. Let's walk back.

- Walk?

- Yes, walk.

It's kind of sketchy,

don't you think?

Come on.

All right, I tell you what.

Are you ready for this?

Mm-hmm.

- May I?

- [laughs]

You're gonna feel

fully protected. Yes?

- [Anne] [chuckles] You're weird.

- [Adam] One step, two step.

[Adam]

I'm glad you came.

[Anne] [chuckles] Yeah, I am, too.

It was fun.

[Adam] You tell me the most

enjoyable moment

- so far in your life.

- [Anne] Oh, my God.

- [Adam] Yeah.

- [Anne] That's crazy.

Uh giving birth. Yeah.

[Adam] Ohh

- [Anne] Yeah.

- [Adam] All right.

[Anne] So incredible.

[Adam]

That's pretty beautiful, okay.

[Anne] Yeah.

You can't do that, can you?

- [Adam] No. No.

- [Anne laughs]

There isn't even a story

I have that could top that.

- That could ever come close, right?

- No. That's that's everything.

- Yeah.

- What a beautiful answer.

- All right.

- Yeah.

- [sighs]

- [groans]

[sighs]

- So what do you do again?

- [chuckles]

Sometimes I work

for a Swiss guy,

and he's really

into Chinese furniture

- Yeah.

- and wine.

Uh-huh.

I learned a lot from working

with him. You know.

What I don't want for

my life, all that stuff.

The things, the homes,

the dependents.

Hmm.

Yeah, that's why I only work

two or three months of the year

and the rest of the time

I'm traveling and lecturing.

What are you lecturing about?

I wrote a book.

Wow, a book.

It's called, No Home, No Sweat.

- Hmm.

- It's about minimalism.

So, where do you live?

Nowhere and everywhere.

So, are you

without a home?

The world is my home.

Are you home

You're homeless.

♪♪♪

Justine.

Thomas?

It's Thomaso.

Oh, you're Italian.

[in Italian]

- Oh, okay.

- Justine, hi.

Hi.

I'm Ford, Thomaso's assistante.

Okay. Hi.

Any trouble finding

the place or anything?

- No, no, no. It was all good.

- Keys?

Anything I can get you

to drink coffee, water, tea?

- No, I'm good.

- I have to tell you,

- I love your cassoulet recipe.

- Mmm.

Oh, thank you.

I'mma go tell everyone

you're here.

The queen of the cassoulet

is here, everyone.

- It's beautiful here.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Damn it.

- So in terms of mood,

I was thinking

Saint-Tropez, 1970s,

with all

that beautiful golden light.

[chuckles] Actually I've never

been to Saint-Tropez.

I'm from Brittany originally

and it's always cloudy over there.

That can be our little secret.

I was thinking a touch

of David Hamilton

with a La Madragu e feel.

Didn't David Hamilton

k*ll himself

because he was accused

of molesting those young girls?

- Let's forget about him.

- Okay.

But, um, Virgin Suicides

with a European feel.

Thomaso, you know,

I'm almost 50.

Ooh! [stammers]

I don't wanna know.

I don't wanna know.

- Okay.

- Justine,

I'm gonna take care of you

but you have to trust me.

Hmm?

I'm gonna make you

look stunning.

And everyone's gonna

want to make

all your little

delicious creations, all right?

And you're gonna love Diane.

She's our hair person.

She's a genius with extensions.

[gasps] [in Italian]

- Oh, children.

- [boy] Rawr!

- Two kids.

- Those are prop children.

Prop children. Well, in real life,

I just have one kid.

Yeah. We thought that one child

might read a little bit sad.

Oh, chickens. [chuckles]

Am I supposed to cook for them

or to cook them?

You cook everything with fresh eggs

and chickens lay

- Eggs.

- Eggs. [chuckles] Fantastic.

Oh, thank you.

[woman on YouTube] No chips, Dawn.

I don't want you breaking out.

[Dawn] I'm starving.

[Mom] Have an apple.

[Dawn] You care about

my skin all of a sudden?

I don't want you running around

with a face full of pimples.

[Dawn] Why?

Put the chips away.

[Dawn] Because Oasis is one

of our new sponsors, hmm?

[mouths word] Sponsors?

[Dawn] It's all about money,

money, money for you.

You know,

that $25,000 from Oasis

is going

straight in your college fund.

You know, that $25,000

from Oasis

is going straight in

your college fund, okay?

Yes, yes, yes.

Stay there.

Yes, yes.

Caress the carrot.

Caress the carrot.

More dirt on

the carrots, please. More dirt.

Switch cameras. Thank you.

Stay there. Stay there.

Yes. Yes.

Take the glasses off.

It's really not okay.

Just for ooh. Okay.

More,

more with the tree, more.

Yes. There, stay there.

[in French] One, two, three. Say "cheese."

[laughs]

[Thomaso]

That's a wrap on the children.

[chicken clucking]

[Thomaso] Meet Oscar,

your favorite chicken.

Oscar? Okay. [groans]

Ow, he bit me! He pecked!

[Thomaso] Someone please

give the chicken a tranquilizer.

[blows raspberries]

sh*t. [sighs] Oh.

- Oh. Oh.

- [Thomaso] Aww!

[Thomaso] It's like a baby.

I love it. [in Italian]

But

[Thomaso] Yeah.

Can you adjust him a little bit

so we can see his beak?

Yeah.

Chicken looks

sort of dead now.

[man] Give him two minutes.

Their brains are so small

that sh*t wears off fast.

Ah. sh*t. Uh-oh.

He took a sh*t on me.

[Thomaso]

That's a wrap on the chicken.

Hello, Mommy's home.

[gasps] You came back.

Of course, Mommy always

comes back, you know that.

[sighs] Okay.

What is up with the undies?

Baby wet his pants.

- I couldn't keep it in.

- So annoying.

Did you go to the Apple store?

Yes, I did.

Wait, check this out, Oliver.

Ta-da.

Oh, my God! Is that

the iPhone 11 Pro Max?

[Sarah] Mom, I've been

waiting for you for an hour.

I'm supposed to go

to Amy's house, remember?

You look like a c*ck.

Huh. More like a c*ck-a-too.

Get it? c*ck.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Is that the iPhone 11?

- How did you get that?

- Mom gave it to me.

- What, why you?

- 'Cause I'm her favorite. Ah!

No, give that back. Oh, gosh!

I need you guys to focus.

I have some very exciting news

for our family.

We're moving?

We are going to have

our own YouTube show.

- Wait, what?

- Yes!

We are officially vloggers,

effective immediately.

We are a family that vlogs.

We're gonna be like

"Hanging with the Sobies," right?

- That's right.

- Oh, my God!

- You are.

- No, Mom, no!

Everyone's gonna

see how we live.

- My life will be over.

- Really?

Talk to me when the show airs,

Sarah, then we'll talk, okay?

- Can I be in charge of music?

- Yes, you can.

Mom, can I be in charge

of cool pranks?

Of course you can.

This is a family endeavor, okay?

We all are in this together.

If not,

we don't have a show,

Sarah.

Okay, fine.

Only if you

take me to a hairdresser

and if we get a housekeeper

to clean this place up.

Deal.

- Yes.

- Yeah!

Yes! Yes!

We need to come up with a title.

We need something catchy.

- Uh

- Any ideas?

Something we could possibly

brand down the line maybe?

I like how you're thinking.

How about "Priceless?"

- Yeah.

- "Priceless." I like that.

- Yeah, I like it.

- We could be on Google.

It's short and sweet.

How about,

"The Priceless Horowitzes"?

- No, mom, just "Priceless."

- No.

- Just "Priceless."

- Just "Priceless."

♪♪♪

No, I really can't do the hat.

I'm so sorry. Please tell him.

[Jerry] Hi.

And I keep my glasses

- [Jerry] Hi.

- Jerry, where have you been?

- Sorry. Yeah.

- Look at me.

Little House on the Prairie.

Yeah. You look hot.

Hot?

What? Jerry.

Okay, I'm taking this off, too,

because I can't wear this.

What's happening?

Rebecca's pregnant.

What?

She barely even f*cking

knows the guy.

Look at this, look at this.

- [Justine sighs]

- [sniffles] Look at this.

Look, what kind of as*h*le

rides his Harley on Instagram?

- I mean, I can't I

- I mean, it's Instagram.

What, what is he doing?

What, is he wrestling an alligator?

- Oh, wow.

- I can't I can't believe

she's having a baby

with that f*cking douchebag.

I was gonna marry her,

you know?

I had the ring picked out

and the whole thing.

I just got so consumed at

the restaurant, and, you know.

Oh. I know, Jerry.

This restaurant

has been putting such a strain

on our personal lives.

Okay, Justine, we've got

to stop doing that.

We got to stop backing it

into the personal stuff.

This is a professional

business relationship.

Listen, uh, the PR lady

wanted me to tell you

that she's worried

about the pictures

being too much like that

one photographer. What is it?

She, you know, she takes

pictures of all the freaks,

and, and the, uh, Siamese

twins, and the midgets.

- Diane Arbus?

- Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

She's worried about that.

They they think I'm a freak?

No, no, no, no. No, no.

They just want the photographs

to contrast with the writing, right?

You know, lightness and fresh,

and all of that. Yeah.

Justine?

I really need to get you

a new wardrobe.

Thomaso agreed

we can change it.

- Okay.

- You look great, you look great.

- Listen

- No, you look really hot, actually.

Siri, do you wish

you had a p*nis?

What the heck?

Hey, Siri,

do you wish you had a p*nis?

[Siri beeps] I don't know

what you mean by,

"Hey Siri, do you

wish you had a p*nis?"

How about a web search for it?

[yells]

Why don't you have a body?

Aren't you lonely?

You don't have any friends.

[grunting]

Brain, out. [growls]

- Yeah, that's nice.

- Fresh.

Um, put a knee up

for me, please.

[sighs]

Yes. Coffee, coffee.

Okay.

Because who doesn't love

the Flore, right?

Rebecca and I went to Paris

last year.

We were gonna go to Flore,

but we spent our days

making love in the hotel room.

[sighs]

My girlfriends love Paris.

And then we went to Venice

after that,

and we spent our days

making love in the hotel room.

[sighs] Divine!

Now, she's having

somebody else's baby.

- Jerry, I'm so sorry.

- [Jerry] No.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

[Justine sighs]

Okay. Justine, now look out

the window and sip your latte

and invite your readers

to discover you.

Yes.

Just a sliver of the panties, no?

Okay. Listen, this is

I'm half naked.

I'm sorry.

It's not very feminist.

But it's fresh, I guess.

[strained laugh]

Yeah.

Very fresh.

[sighs] It's a wrap. I'm done.

We've got it?

All right, everyone.

That's a wrap.

- [Justine] Okay. Are you sure?

- [wine cork pops]

Just good enough?

I don't usually do this, but I'm gonna

make an exception for you

because I adore you.

Come.

[Justine gasps] Oh, my legs.

[in Italian] Like magic, hmm?

[in English] From this, to that.

- Mm.

- Oh.

Genius, Thomaso.

From this, to that.

- Oh.

- Brilliant, Thomaso.

Okay. It's nice.

[in Italian] That one. This one.

[in English] Thomaso, so good.

That's the cover.

[in Italian] That one. This one.

[in English] So much better.

But

[in Italian] This one. That one.

[laughter]

[in English] But

[in Italian] That one. This one.

- [in English] That's not

- [laughter]

Do it again. Do it again.

Do it again? Do it again.

[in Italian] That one. This one.

[laughter]

♪♪♪