Light Up (2024)

[bunniefuu]

(birds chattering)

- We are here. - We are here.

- Here, it's time. - What y'all gonna do?

What we gonna do, about

to blow it out the water.

Anybody watch "Poltergeist", right?

"Follow the light, Carol Ann,

just follow the blue light."

You're actually gonna

come out here and then here,

and you're gonna try

to find that blue light.

You remember this outfit, right?

No, that's dope, that's dope.

Gonna bring that back up.

Yeah, yeah, it's breaking

up. See, that's good.

Thank y'all, each and every one of y'all.

I got y'all, and I do

everything I do in service.

I didn't think fashion could be in Atlanta,

but I'm getting ready

to tell them that it is,

and we're about to show them right now.

- [Crew] Okay, I'm

gonna let you finish first.

- All right.

(expectant electronic music)

(crowd cheering)

Me living in my authentic self,

I believe that that is why

other doors have opened

for me to do so many amazing things,

that even to this day.

Advantages are often

disguised as adversities.

I think it is what built my superpower

to become this person that was relentless.

- That's Octavius.

He's a part of Atlanta space of

Black same gender loving men

and trans women, which

we simply call the community.

I'm one of your hosts.

I want you to be open, be

vulnerable, just be you. Action.

Along with Maurice.

- Gee, I'm looking forward

to our conversations.

- And Michael. - Now I feel better.

- [Ryan] And we're gonna be telling

the individual stories of five

members of the community,

the moments that shaped them-

- I came up in an emotionally

a*usive environment.

- But the Black gays was upset, baby.

- [Ryan] The issues that affect them.

- As a transgender woman,

you know when you're a woman.

- [Ryan] And how they light up the world.

- Only at 40 years old was

when I truly accepted myself.

- Having that community

of somebody to go to

in your full self, everything.

- You've already met Octavius. - Hi.

- [Ryan] But we're also going

to be hanging out with Obio.

- People identify how they identify.

- Derek Jae. - About damn time.

- Ben. - Hand clapping, toe tapping.

- And Simone. - Y'all trying

to get me loose?

As a Black trans woman,

you do not see this.

- [Ryan] So sit down, kick back,

and enjoy the journey of "Light Up."

(knuckles knocking)

- Hello. - Hey.

- [Michael] How are you doing, my friend?

- Bueno. - Mine, cool.

- I worry that I have on,

last night was the launch of it, actually.

My launch with a New York

company out of a New York company

by the name of Nate Ken.

Actually these are the

Buckheads, named after Atlanta.

- [Michael] I'm gonna hand

you over to my new friend.

- What's going on, man? - AJ.

- How you feeling?

You know we already know each other, right?

He's bringing all the fashion to Atlanta.

- So on behalf of the LGBTQ+ family-

- It's a lot, right? - It's, I age-

- See, I'm 50 years old,

we didn't call it all that.

You know, when I was

growing up we just did that,

you know, the. - You were a bit-

- All those letters, like yeah.

Let me get comfortable, yes.

- What was your childhood experience like

growing up in Atlanta?

- [Octavius] My childhood

experience growing up

in Atlanta, I would say it was a mix.

I had a deep connection with my parents

and my family and my friends.

I remember the first

time I started to realize

that I was different, my

neighbor who was my friend,

feeling this connection, and like,

this warm fuzzy about somebody,

and having a crush on him

because that was different

than I experienced with anybody else.

And asking him, "Do you

like boys or do you like girls?"

That was the thing.

And he was like, "You

know, of course I like girls."

He said, "What do you

like?" "I like girls too."

And then it was at that

moment that I found out

that that warm fuzzy feeling

that I had for him was wrong.

Just remembering, going to kindergarten,

having to mask who I was,

'cause it wasn't, quote unquote, right.

- How did it feel that

you had to hide that,

and you couldn't share that,

and had to keep that to yourself?

How did that feel?

- Let's digress a little bit.

So when I talk about traumatic experiences,

I think about being two years old.

I grew up in the projects of Carver homes.

There was a little boy

that was older than me

that made me ride this plastic motorcycle

into like these bushes, you know?

And like, put me on the

ground and this, sorry.

- Take a moment.

- Remember this motorcycle,

because I had to go back home. (crying)

- It's okay, it's all right. - It's okay.

- I guess now I realize

that it was, you know,

I was molested like at two years old.

And it wasn't about being

molested, but it was because

I literally had peed in my clothes,

and having to go back home,

and so I wouldn't get in

trouble for peeing in my clothes.

This is the first time

I ever talked about it.

But Mom noticed, and I

think that that is something

that was a part of me that whole time.

I just remember going to kindergarten,

and the teacher said that,

"You should bring something

in for show and tell."

And I drew this guy with a p*nis,

and I was gonna take that

to school for show and tell.

And I showed my mom,

and I got in trouble for that.

It was like, "Don't you ever," like,

"Where you getting this from?"

So that's why I knew at five years old,

when I had a crush on my neighbor,

I was already being

very sexual at that point.

And just seeing that, and

trying to hide that piece.

(knuckles knocking) - Simone, hi.

Give me a hug, how you doing?

Give us some Peterson, walk, walk, walk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughing)

It's a whole style of you.

Simone Tisci, I wanna

introduce you to Maurice.

- Let's hug, yes, yes, I love it.

So we're gonna be doing a little bit more

in-depth interview here.

Just T the P, trust the process.

- T the P, be blessed. - He's in the house.

- Period, duh.

Growing up Omaha, Nebraska honestly,

it's actually a lot hooder

than people may think.

It's ghetto as f*ck.

My father, don't really know him,

but his relationship with my mother

was very a*usive and toxic,

and we ended up in Nebraska

to get away from that situation.

I was abused.

My mother was getting

ready to take us to daycare,

and I peed on myself,

and she's like, "Oh, sh*t."

Like, "Hurry up and go

get your a*s in the shower."

And turned the water on, she didn't look,

but then she walked out,

oh she's going to get the belt.

So I immediately stepped in the tub.

The water was so hot, it like

burned my feet immediately,

to the point to where it

looked like bacon, burning.

And I remember them carrying me out,

and we went to the hospital.

I went straight into surgery, so I remember

them cutting the skin off.

They had to freeze the towel off.

I remember all that vividly,

because it was so traumatic.

And I could see out

the little hole in the door,

my mother was out there,

"I wanna see my baby."

Like, I just remember her

saying that, she kept saying it.

And then two police officers

walk up, and they arrested her.

At the age three, I remember,

that was the first time

I got put into the system.

So my first foster mother was an old woman

that was obsessed

with dolls, and I felt like

I was in heaven, 'cause like,

I used to wanna play with the girls' stuff,

but in my family, you know, they was hood.

I wasn't allowed to do any of that.

So I had to sneak and

play with my sister's stuff.

But I remember her dressing me up.

I remember the dress exactly.

I had like a dress just like Minnie Mouse.

Welcome to my new boutique

- It was like a red dress

with white polka dots,

and she put me in some

little Annabelle heels.

So she made me into

a doll at three years old.

I felt like I was supposed to feel.

I don't even know who

the lady is, but thank you.

My grandmother had a

friend, she saw me in the store

with my foster mother, and got a picture,

and sent it to my mom,

and my mom like freaked out.

So they took me from her

home. (knuckles knocking)

- Hello. - Hey.

- How are you, my friend?

- I'm good, how are you?

- Nice to see you. Michael.

- Good to meet you, Benjamin Carlton.

- Absolute pleasure,

give me a hug, my friend.

Here you go, my friend. - Thank you.

- Made by myself. - You made it?

- Yes sir. - Really?

- With fresh-pressed fruit,

and made with love from Michael's mix.

- Okay, it's love for me.

- Yes, it tastes like love.

- Your love, it tastes

like your love, I'll take it.

- Yes. (Benjamin laughing)

Made... Whoo.

- This is gonna be an interview, okay.

(Benjamin laughing)

How's you're spirit feeling?

- Spirit's feeling good.

- Yeah? - Uplifted.

I mean, when two or three are gathered.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh

- I do a whole players

dance, don't play with me.

(both laughing)

- Everyone knew I was g*y,

probably when I came out the womb.

When the doctor hit

me, I said, "Do it again."

Growing up in Philly, I

didn't know what g*y was,

I just knew what I was.

I knew being g*y was wrong when I kissed

one of my guy friends in kindergarten,

and all the kids bust out,

"Ooh, you're nasty, you're gross."

And I'm like, "What did I do?"

I come from a very large, loving family

full of comedians.

My parents tried their

best to raise a q*eer son

in the hood with

acknowledging that he was q*eer,

and trying to suppress it.

I put on my sister's

wedge patent leather shoes,

and I come prancing out the room.

My mother's name is

Gilda, and somebody said,

"Ooh Gilda, look at Ben,"

and the look on her face,

I had never seen before.

She looked frightened, she looked angry,

and she just gripped me up by the hand

and smacked me back in the room.

And I knew that putting

on girls clothes was wrong.

And because I was a mama's boy,

and I'm also a people pleaser,

I just wanted to do everything right.

I mean, if you ask most

people, I was the perfect child.

Ask all my teachers, I

was the perfect student.

Like, I aimed to please.

The spanking wasn't the

issue, that didn't hurt me.

It was making my mom sad that hurt me.

It shaped me masking who I really was

for the next 29 years of my life,

just to make people in

my environment happy.

So I couldn't be myself.

I was smiling, big happy

kid, but was I really happy?

- We left Atlanta, we went to Oklahoma,

and I was the only little

Black boy in the school.

I picked up the vernacular,

and then we had to move

back to Atlanta, into the city of Atlanta.

It's a culture shock, you go from there

to being bullied now about the way I talk,

because I lived in Oklahoma

and my demographic was all white.

Now I'm being bullied about

how I look, my skin color,

my hair, the was I dressed,

was super, super skinny.

And then androgynous, the

word f*gg*t started coming up,

because I was prim and proper.

- "Boys don't do this, boys don't do that.

"Man up, be a man."

Hello I'm trying, I can't.

In first grade at basketball camp

I was very short with a

big head, and I was trying

to throw the ball in the

basket and could never get it.

And so the coach said,

"Stop throwing like a girl."

And I just got mad and he

said, "Stop acting like a girl.

What are you, a girl?"

Am I a girl? I did not know.

- As a child, I'd never forget it.

Like I would walk around

the house, they'd be like,

"Fix your hand," or,

"Why you talk like that?

Why you walk like that?"

I didn't make my legs, I didn't

make my body do anything,

this is just how it is.

So I realized that at a young age,

when I got in high school, I had a teacher

that was a handsome-a*s teacher,

and I would just stare at

his crotch under the desk,

and I was turned on by that.

I never was turned on by women.

I thought they were beautiful,

but I was never turned on by them.

I always looked more feminine

than the average male at that time.

I mean, it took a little minute

before I actually released the girl in me.

Like, I would become her on Halloween

every once in a blue moon,

or if no one was looking,

and I was in the house, I

always loved to make up,

so I would do my make up.

You know, my best friend did hair, so.

(soft thoughtful music)

Whenever there was a

straight wig, you know,

I probably put it on a few times.

And I saw her many a times, it's just like,

I didn't become her right away.

My surroundings, it wasn't acceptable.

So I had to wait until I was free

to release the woman, like a butterfly.

- At this point being in the fifth grade,

I was happy to live in a library.

You would go to the encyclopedia,

and you looked up the word

g*y, g*y is a mental illness.

I can't take this anymore,

like how can I figure out,

I don't wanna be like this.

One thing that I did see

growing up was television,

where you would see

like, the cartoon characters,

when they bang their

heads, and they come back

and the speak French

and they do all these things,

they become a different person.

(hammer clanking)

- Why did you hit yourself on the head for?

- I like it, I like it.

- But I remember like, I

said, "If this is a mental illness,

then maybe if I go home and

hit my head up against the wall,

and knock myself out, I can

come back as a straight kid."

But it never happened, you know?

Now at almost 50, I see it as,

I was running from myself the whole time.

- I originally came up

in a Black neighborhood

for my early years, and I

experienced h*m*

from a Black community before I experienced

racism from a white community.

And then we were able

to move into an affluent

white community because of Section 8,

and then I started experiencing racism.

I didn't like being in

all-male environments,

'cause I got teased, and so

I felt like I never belonged.

I didn't belong with the Blacks,

'cause I talked really

proper, and so I got teased.

"Oreo, Oreo," you know,

Black on the outside,

white in the middle.

Was called n*gg*r in white settings.

- [Benjamin] There was a

scene in the movie "Greenbook."

- So if I'm not Black enough,

and I'm not white enough,

and if I'm not man enough,

then tell me Tony, what am I?

- I'm not man enough

for the white community,

Black enough for my Black

community, what the hell am I?

I had nowhere to fit in, and I figured

at least the creator of all things

could do something with

me, and so I dove into church,

and gave my life wholeheartedly.

(soft thoughtful music)

- I was dating this guy

for about three months.

He would always come over.

My grandmother knew he was coming over,

my brother and sisters would see him.

He'd stay the night at

my house all the time.

It was just one morning, I

like, left my door kinda open.

He's naked in the bed.

No telling what we did that night,

but we fell asleep in it, whatever.

So my mother must've

came into her little peekaboo,

and she must've saw some

jingle bells, you never know.

'Cause she was downstairs like,

"Oh, I don't play that sh*t

in my house, they gotta go,"

and everything you can imagine

that you wouldn't wanna hear

from your mother, came

out of her mouth that day.

So got up, I walked

downstairs, and she's like,

"Do you have something you

wanna say to me?" "I'm g*y."

"No you're not." "Yes I am."

"You're a boy." "I'm a girl."

So we like, went back and forth like that.

My grandmother got in between us.

I could tell she was happy for me,

but she didn't wanna say it.

I think everyone was afraid of my mother,

and I was the only one kinda

stood up to her in the moment.

I faced so much as a child,

that moment was just a moment of freedom.

(knuckles knocking) - Hey, Obio.

- How are you? - I'm blessed, how are you?

- I'm doing well.

So okay, I'm gonna tell

you a little secret, okay?

Just between you and me, okay.

I'm watching "Girlfriends." Girlfriends

- For the like, one millionth time.

I don't know what it is

about that show, but I identify

with everything that's happening.

- I do, I get it.

- It's just, I don't know,

it's just good TV, right?

- Who are you?

- I'm a mix of like Joan,

with like William-ish quirks. (laughing)

- So you're in a relationship.

- I am. - Help me.

So, where did you meet him?

- Well, well, through friends.

Let's just leave it there.

- (laughing) Okay.

- Through friends, we're

just gonna go with that.

Are you dating? - What?

- Are you dating? - Mm.

- Oh. - Ooh.

- Ooh. - All right, (inaudible).

- When I was in the

first grade, (chuckling)

there was this guy

named John Crossland III.

Hit me, hit me, and I tell you.

I had a crush, and I went

home, we're having our snack,

and I told my parents I

was, "I like somebody."

And they're like, "Okay."

And I was like, "Yes, his

name is John Crossland,

he's in my first grade class."

I'm just going crazy over this boy,

but I never thought it was wrong.

My parents made a lotta space

for me to be q*eer, to be honest.

They didn't say things or do

things that ever made me feel

like I couldn't be myself at home.

I colored all my pants,

I had a sewing machine,

my parents weren't built on religion.

My shame came from

society. (soft thoughtful music)

I didn't always feel like I was g*y,

but I knew I liked boys,

but I also liked girls, right?

I didn't know what liking,

truly like romanticizing,

or sexuality was.

I think it my mind it was, "Girls are cute,

and if cute is a barometer

for liking somebody,

then I can like a girl."

I felt g*y probably around like 18, 19.

That then was like when

hormones were raging,

and they were raging directed towards men.

And now that I felt like I was g*y,

it was kinda that scarlet

letter, it got scary, very scary.

I didn't wanna be g*y.

I ran from the word for so long,

because of what society said,

because I felt like now

I'm the stereotypes.

- Tell him that Ramon

went to the clinic today,

and I found out that I

have, um, cripi-simplex T.

- Still, there's a lotta

things about this game

that could be better, like the uniforms.

- [Both] Hate them.

- God, you're like a sissy

with his legs stuck in midair,

ready but nothing's happening.

- Now people can see that I'm g*y,

probably because I think I'm g*y,

and now what's gonna happen to me?

Am I gonna be the one bullied?

Am I gonna get HIV and pass away?

(soft thoughtful music)

People don't understand how difficult it is

to be things that there's

no space for you to be.

I mean, there was no room

for me to be my q*eer self,

my Black self, and I think

we don't give enough room

for people who are confused,

and that being a necessary

part of your journey.

You know, a lotta people

were told they were g*y

before they felt like they were g*y.

- I thought that God could

do something with my pain.

God should be able to help me with this,

either help me get rid

of being g*y, or whatever,

and so I decided to start

going to church every weekend,

taking a bus to church.

And then eventually my mom

started sending my sisters,

and then eventually she started coming,

then my dad started coming,

then everybody started coming to church.

You know, I had a youth

leader, you know say once,

"I don't want nobody coming out around me.

If you're g*y, keep it to yourself.

I don't wanna hear that."

There was an older guy in our ministry,

he was flamboyant, he was a dancer,

and they talked about him terribly.

I didn't want that heat,

so I just joined right in.

- You know, being g*y

and trying to figure out like,

what is the epitome of being a man?

Like football players

and everything like that.

I didn't like being a

part of any athletic team

because of the h*m*

in the locker room.

What sport can I get into

where I can only be in control of myself?

Then I started doing research on it,

and I found track to be that thing.

It was one sport where I didn't

have to try out with a team.

I was responsible for my

part of the thing, of the track.

And I took it so serious,

it was the other thing

that kept me running from

myself at the same time,

'cause I didn't have to be at home

and dealing with bullying.

I didn't have to show my

manhood by like dating somebody,

I was running. (soft thoughtful music)

- Although I knew that I

liked boys, I never acted on it.

So I felt like, "As long

as I don't act on it",

"am I really that g*y?"

Like you know, like,

"I'm not really that g*y."

But like you know, when you're young,

you're going to interact

with a guy, and sexually.

I would be in the car

like, I mean like shaking.

And I would get there, we

would do what we needed to do.

Sometimes I would cry on the way home.

I'm acting on this attraction,

now there's no more excuses.

And I would just feel so

dirty, wrong, bad, deviant.

I would just not do it again for a while,

until I couldn't not do it anymore,

and I kinda just had that

revolving door of shame for years.

- While in high school I

used to go to Creighton,

used to just sneak in their library,

and it was like my escape.

So I was on MySpace, I

learned coding in that time.

I learned how to create my own profile.

That's when I first built

my social media platform.

Pony Zion, which is a very popular, vulgar.

(energetic dance music)

He was on "America's Best Dance Group."

Pony reached out to me, and

kinda told me about ballroom,

'cause I didn't know what it was.

But I started to do my little research,

and I saw them vogue-ing,

and they were dancing,

and it just looked fun.

(lively dance music)

And it was competition,

it looked like something I

love to do, I love to dance.

So I told him I would do it.

(bright thoughtful music)

- Did you feel that God let you down?

- I felt like this was a test,

and I was determined to pass it.

So anything and everything

you can do in church, I did it.

Praise the Lord

And God launches

after you - Hallelujah,

somebody need God's praise.

Let me hear you, somebody

needs God's praise, oh man.

So everything can be blocked, hallelujah,

and everything into your mind, hallelujah,

everything pure evil, God blocked it,

and it wouldn't be told.

When you need to tighten up,

I said, yeah

I need somebody to put up their hands.

I felt at least you'll spare me,

because I'm cleaning toilets.

You'll spare me, because

I'm singing on a praise team.

You'll spare me, 'cause I'm here in prayer.

My connection wasn't because of love.

It wasn't because I loved God.

I was because I was afraid of God.

A lotta ministries talk about

the thorn in Paul's flesh,

that was the sin of

h*m*, and he had to keep it

to keep him before God.

So I thought I was called to ministry,

and this was a sin to keep my

humble and connected to God.

I made sense of it in my teenage mind.

- [Ryan] We made ourselves

more acceptable to others

in a variety of ways.

Perhaps you learned

that you can win approval

by becoming more

sensitive than the other boys.

Maybe you learned that you can win approval

by displaying a creativity

that the other boys refused to show.

Or you learned to win approval by excelling

at everything you did.

- There's a great book out

there, "The Velvet Rage",

where I think it was me

being g*y that led the charge.

You know, I started to realize that now,

because I can't let it go, I can't hide it,

I know who I am, I've gotta

do everything in my power

to not only be 100% whatever I do,

but I wanna be epic

in everything that I do,

because I wanted to be

able to say, "Hey, you know,

you might call me g*y, but

look what I'm doing over here."

My senior year, I was ranked

third in the United States,

and I remember being

in school and them saying,

"We would like to

congratulate Octavius Terry

getting a full scholarship

to Georgia Tech,"

and everybody started

screaming like, "What?"

And my freshman year at Georgia Tech

was when I became seventh in the world.

- [Sportscaster] In the 400-meter hurdle,

the closest race of the NCAA.

There's Octavius Terry,

wins it for Georgia Tech

by one-1000th of a second.

This is a gold medal from

the 1995 All University Games

in Fukuoka, Japan.

This is where I represented

the United States

when I was in college, as though

I was at the Olympic Games.

My family was struggling at the time,

and my dad was a truck driver,

and my mom was a nurse's assistant.

I was the person to

graduate from any college

in my entire family.

I was like, "This is the way

my family's gonna get out,

by me putting oxygen on

myself, but I can't do that,

because mentally if my

teammates find out that I'm g*y,

then I don't know if I

can go back to school."

Just the male machoism was just like,

there was some h*m*

in there, even the track world.

I remember being in the Olympic

trials, and we were laughing

'cause there were 10 guys in this tub,

and somebody made a joke like,

"Yeah, they said that one

out of every 10 men are g*y,

I wonder who it is."

And in my head I'm like, "Oh my gosh,

this is when they're gonna find out."

- For a lot of q*eer people,

a lot of q*eer young boys especially,

we learn early what

it means to like fit in,

but still have that little

edge that puts you on top,

just in case you get figured out.

I think it's kinda the same thing you feel

where as a Black person,

you can be gone any day.

- Trayvon Martin.

- 46-year-old George Floyd.

- [Reporter] Final moments

of Ahmaud Arbery's life.

- [Reporter] As Breonna and her boyfriend

lay asleep in their bed... He shot Martin.

- [Reporter] Derek Chauvin places his knee

on Floyd's neck. - I can't breathe.

- Arbery is shot dead.

- The police returned fire,

with 20 b*ll*ts, striking

Breonna, k*lling her.

- Makes h*m* comments,

leading to a deadly stabbing

of 28-year-old Sibley O'Shae.

Shae was part of a ballroom community,

predominantly comprised

of LGBTQ+ men of color.

- And because you could be gone any day,

like if my queerness is

figured out, if I get clocked,

I have to be at the top of my game.

That way, even though you don't like me,

you gotta reconcile that,

because I'm too amazing.

I think people need to

understand how much it is,

especially Black q*eer

men, how much we carry

from very, very young

ages, where other people

are worried about playing,

and wearing the latest trends.

It's a added layer for a lot

of young Black q*eer men.

(knuckles knocking) - Hello, how you doing?

- I'm well, how are you?

- Blessed and highly favored.

You know I'm big, and I can't,

who else can they fit into a hallway?

(both laughing) (bright flourish music)

- [Real Housewife] How

are you, come in, come in?

- I'm here to save you guys' lives.

- [Real Housewife] Thank

you, I know you are baby.

Look at you. - Hey no, look at you.

Show. I'm just a boy

in pumps, tell it like it is.

Legendary, we go Kiki,

and you get to live it.

Runway looks are best left for catwalks,

not on the sidewalk.

Well I identify as, I'm he,

she, they, them, whatever.

You know, just call me. (laughing)

Fans know me from the

"Housewives of Atlanta",

but my true fans, before

the "Housewives of Atlanta",

which would be a show called

"Tears, Shears and Beauty",

which had two seasons

on a station called BETJ.

And then a documentary called

"Good Hair" with Chris Rock

that came on HBO.

Well first, I didn't grow up as Derek Jae,

I grew up as Derek Johnson in Toledo, Ohio.

My mom was a single mom,

was a middle class family.

My mom was a police officer.

So my life is very ordinary, I guess,

just extraordinary

things happened within it.

- He's the most fashionable person I know.

Derek Jae, how is it going?

- I'm doing great, how are you babe?

- Oh babe, you look sparky... No, you look-

- And you look gorgeous. - Fabulous, honey.

- Okay, so sadly my grandmother passed.

I did have my own moment

with my grandmother,

where I seen her in my dream.

And my grandmother loves unicorns,

so it's her chasing after a unicorn,

and I'm trying to chase

her at the same time.

I never dreamed that while she was alive.

I even now to this day

can remember the smell,

the pine trees, and like,

I can see her like running.

And like, I'm like trying to catch her,

and I'm like, "Wait for me, wait for me."

She's not waiting, she's running.

And I'm like, this is her

running off and going to be free.

That's like something that,

I'm gonna cry, boo. (sniffing)

That's like, got me like,

that's the best part of it.

She told me to run, and me to go for

what I wanted to go for, and

I saw her do the same thing.

All right, I need some

tissue. Y'all don't cry.

That's the one thing.

Yeah, you about to have

my whole eyelash on the floor.

That's what kinda pushed me

to go for my dreams, was her.

So I left Nebraska because of that.

- Obviously as a same gender

loving Black man myself,

I've been there.

But for so many people

that struggle with, you know,

this journey, some of

them probably have feelings

of you know, suicide, 'cause

you have a beautiful light now,

but you need the dark to

know what the light looks like.

What was that feeling when

you got behind closed doors?

- [Benjamin] Well even behind closed doors,

I didn't get to be Ben,

because God was there.

- Hallelu. - And I was trying

to put on for God, trying

to be perfect for God,

as if God didn't know everything about me.

And so my prayers, every day I'd ask God

to make me straight.

Every day I'd ask God to toughen me up.

Every day I would ask God,

"Help me to be who my mom wants me to be."

Let's talk about you, talk about you

What it is about Jesus,

what it is about Jesus

And I say yeah, let's talk about love

So the deeper and

deeper I got into ministry,

the more and more I

adopted the toxicity of ministry,

and that's judging others

and condemning others.

And when I got older,

preached against h*m*,

and preached that it was a sin,

and that you were going to hell.

- Sex between a man and a man is unnatural.

Sexual relations between

two women is unnatural.

It violates not only natural law,

but the righteous laws of God.

- h*m* is not

the only sin, but it is a sin.

It is not an alternative lifestyle,

it is an alternative rebellion.

- The wages of sin is death.

- Being a h*m* and

a l*sbian is a ticket to hell.

- It's about destroying

what God calls family.

A family is a man and a

woman with their children.

- 'Cause I really thought I was doing

the work of the Lord,

saying you're going to hell.

I was so judgmental, you was going to hell

for listening to Beyonce.

Meanwhile I will drink

Beyonce's sweat, just kidding.

I'm a comedian, ba da bum, maybe not, no.

But I was well intended,

just committing acts of harm.

- So tell us where we are.

- You guys are in my home.

A lotta people don't be

in here, so y'all are special,

'cause I don't let people into this space.

But I'll let you guys in.

Home for me is my getaway

from all the madness of the world.

That's why it's colorful, it's artful,

it's just, it's a safe space for me.

I spoke to my grandmother,

she said, you know,

"You were the same

person, we just didn't know

how to nurture who you were.

So you know, we tried to

keep you in the boy stuff

and do the boy thing.

He wants to do girl stuff,

we just ain't gonna talk about it,

instead of really having

a conversation about it

and kinda saying like, 'What's going on?

"What are you feeling?'"

You know, as a kid in a

Black household it's like,

you just do as you say, not as I do.

You just do what you're told.

So I just, was just following protocol.

Now my sister, she's a

l*sbian, she's totally different.

She was just like, "I'm

g*y, I'm a l*sbian, I'm here."

And I'm like, "Girl,

what is wrong with you?

You could not be saying

that to Mama and them."

Like, so my sister took

the more vocal approach

when it came to it, where I

took the more private approach.

I remember praying,

"Hey God, make me a girl,"

'cause it was like, well I mean,

"I'm not supposed to like boys, but so,

if I'm not supposed to like boys,

then I'm supposed to be a girl,

so then make me just be a girl."

You know, I never wanted

to be a girl, but I just figured

for me to like boys, I gotta be a girl.

I don't have any kinda bitter feelings

towards my family or my

parents or anything like that,

because they didn't know.

So it was a normal thing

to just not talk about it.

They didn't understand how

to handle someone like me,

because they never met nobody like me.

Even though we never talked about it,

my family never made me feel outta place.

- So DL stands for down

low, it's traditionally men,

they are h*m* or

bisexual, and they explore

their same gender love or

sexual activities in the dark.

(chuckling) The DL life

was actually exciting.

Sometimes living in

the dark or doing things

that you're not supposed to do

can bring some type of excitement.

I always had a girlfriend and a boyfriend.

I think I could put on

a good show with a girl,

because I knew at the end of the day,

I was gonna go to a guy.

To be a man of faith, to be a leader,

to be a good son, to be,

you know, a good friend,

I had to fill the role.

Have a girlfriend, we'd

all go out, hang out.

And this is ever since I was younger,

because I felt like I didn't

have any other choice.

I had to fit the role.

The DL culture is

perpetuated by men culture.

People say, you know, "Be

free, be yourself, I don't care,"

and then when a masculine guy is free

and himself, you care.

You gossip about him, you demean him.

He's less of a man, he's a waste of a man.

He's not a man anymore, because he's g*y.

Most guys, especially masculine guys,

wanna protect their manhood,

their reputation, right?

So I'm not gonna come out in an environment

that's not safe.

And it's not because

you've done anything to me,

but I've watched you do it to other people.

People in the, in DL culture,

will accept people for who they truly are.

- There's like stages,

there were stages for me

in my queerness.

You have sex with guys, it's g*y,

but especially in closeted spaces,

a lotta guys will have sex with you

and not proclaim to be

g*y, you know what I mean?

Or not even pretend to like guys.

Like they just, I don't know,

maybe their hind parts do,

you know, but they don't.

You know you're in high

school, you might go to college,

and you have that like, "I

can be something different"

"when I go there," but

it was more of the same.

I got there, and every girl wanted me.

And it sounds like it's cute,

but not if you don't want any girls,

like you know what I mean?

It was 'cause I was over

it, but it's like, "Okay,"

and continue to play the game.

And dated women and liked them subtly,

but not enough to really

make something happen.

End of my junior year of college,

I finally met a guy, and

that changed my life.

Like, "I like him, like I wanna like,

call him and talk to him."

Then I finally had an emotional connection,

and that to me was

the most g*y I ever felt.

- Finding love for the first time,

he taught me a lotta different things,

that I could be very visible,

that we could love each other

in front of people, and I

started to be more open,

because I stopped hiding and

I accepted myself even more.

But after that, my

running career just suffered,

because I found love, I accepted myself,

and this was no longer a crutch for me,

and I was done with track.

I retired at the 2000 Olympic trials.

In 2006, I was inducted

to the Georgia Tech's

Hall of Fame, and went

back to the reception

as a g*y Black male, and that

was so powerful for me to do.

- There were so many different factors

that led me to living my truth,

and being my authentic self.

I was wanting real love.

I was tired of DL love,

where I would be with a girl

in public, and then be

with a guy in private,

and there was no

light, it was all darkness.

Everything done in the dark.

Now if I'm gonna go to hell,

Imma go to hell having fun.

I'm not gonna go to hell serving in here,

and coming to church every

Sunday, and wasting my time,

if, you know, hell is my end result.

So I might as well go

out and be in the world,

and live my best life.

But because I spent years

unfortunately as a minister

damning the LGBTQ community-

- Being a h*m* and

a l*sbian is a ticket to hell.

- I felt like, "Well, I can't just now

be on social media with a man."

People are gonna be

like, "Well, what happened

to g*y being going to hell?"

And my mentor Trayvian and

my coworker Sarah was like,

"Yeah, you should tell your story."

And I wrote the story,

and "The Root" picked it up.

It was entitled, "I'm Black,

I'm a Minister, and I'm g*y."

And I knew at that point my

life would forever be changed.

(soft thoughtful music)

- I came straight to Atlanta

on a bus, like Rosa, with $119.

I took my last check, I didn't

tell anybody I was leaving.

It was a 24-hour ride, I

think like four or five stops.

I ate like a burger at

McDonald's each time,

'cause I had to like, make

my money spread out.

You know, $119 ain't a lot of money.

(traffic rumbling)

So when I got to Atlanta, I was free enough

to venture off and learn more

about the LGBTQ community,

because it was a bigger space for it.

Like, it was my first time

seeing just g*y people freely,

and going to g*y

clubs, and I was just like,

"Wow, this is crazy, like this is real."

Like in Nebraska, it was like

you was in a straight party.

(bright thoughtful music)

But like, when I got here it was like,

"Oh girl, I can put the

shirt up in a little knot now,

like, and nobody won't say nothing."

Like, it was just like freedom in a way,

but still at the same time I

wasn't free with myself within,

because I was still a male.

I was a fine-a*s man,

don't get me wrong darling,

he was cute.

Do you know, and when you're dating guys,

guys don't want you to be a girl.

And it's like, you had to hide

behind those type of things.

So it was like, I kinda held

it in for a little bit longer,

'cause I'm like, "Wait a minute,

maybe I could just be a g*y boy, you know,

and this may work out."

- I left home age, I mean well,

there ain't nothing in

Toledo, so. (laughing)

It was really weird

when I moved to Atlanta,

and I was like, "Oh, y'all g*y."

Like, "This is a bit much for me."

'Cause like back home,

you're just g*y at night.

You're not g*y during the daytime.

You know, you're just

g*y when you go to a club,

but when you go home, people's not g*y.

When I moved to Atlanta I'm like,

"Everybody g*y, all the

time. Y'all g*y at the mall too?

Like, this is a bit much."

- When theroot.com

decided to take my story,

I was baring all to the world.

The editors decided to post

it at 3:00 AM in the morning,

and I got the notification,

and I had a panic attack.

I couldn't breathe, and I

texted by pastor and he said,

"Well, what did you expect to happen?

Calm down, you'll be okay."

And by the time it hit

the press in the morning,

it was a firestorm.

Millions of views, hundreds

of thousands of shares.

People telling me to

k*ll myself, burn myself.

And a lot of my friends had got involved,

because they posted it and

they started losing friends.

Celebrities were arguing

back and forth on Twitter.

It was just much more than I anticipated.

(messages popping) (soft thoughtful music)

- In my late teens, early 20s,

I had a conversation

with God saying goodbye.

"About to interact with my gayness,

I know you can't honor me or love me.

I'll see you on the other side, I guess."

And it was probably the

loneliest I ever felt in my life,

because I always had the protection of God.

For me, just in those few

years just being on my own,

I was afraid of g*y people

and I was afraid of straight people.

I was afraid of gays, 'cause you'll see me,

and I desperately didn't wanna be seen.

And so I think for me it was like,

"Oh, but your life is gonna pass you by,

and you're gonna have

nothing to show for it,

because you're constantly

running from self.

Either you're gonna have to suck this up

and take it for what it is and be yourself,

"or just decide that shame

is gonna be your tattoo."

I called one of my homies who

I knew who was comfortably g*y

and I was like, "I wanna go to a g*y club.

Let's just go, let's just

pull the bandaid off."

And so, but I wasn't

comfortable in my own city.

So we flew to LA like

literally in a week's time,

we went to Trunks, and

I'm literally in this g*y club

and nobody cared about me. (sighing)

I thought this was gonna be like,

the scariest thing since

ever, but it was like,

"Boy, nobody's worrying about you, dude.

Listen to music, have you a

drink, and have a good time."

And then at that point

I came back to Atlanta

and you couldn't keep me

outta 10th and Piedmont.

You know, every Sunday,

I'm talking about Blake's, G's,

I was there, you know?

And at that point I was like,

"Cool, now I'm comfortable around gays.

I'm not comfortable

being g*y around straights."

- I came out, she had

some very, very harsh words.

"Now girl, you knew I

was g*y, it's no surprise.

So why are you acting like this?"

You know, she told me

I was gonna gets A*DS.

She was like, "Oh now,

are you gonna be dressing

like a girl, are you gonna

wear heels and makeup?"

I said, "No, but if I was,

that's my prerogative."

You know, I didn't have a

relationship with my dad.

The only person that I really, truly loved

threw me away in a few seconds.

It sent me on a downward spiral.

I was in bedrooms, any

bedroom you'd find me in.

I thought being with a

man would give me comfort.

So it wasn't the sex that did it,

it was the hug, the cuddling.

I was looking for affection,

but y'all, I didn't find it.

That's not the way to go.

I would be late to

meetings, I would miss flights.

I would, you know, call

outta work the entire day,

because I'm laid up in somebody's bed.

It was like a drug, an addiction.

- Talking to my mom about my sexuality,

we was driving in the car, she just said,

"Is it my fault?" I said no.

"Are you sure?" I said yes.

"Do you wanna be a girl?" I said no.

"Am I ever gonna have any grandchildren?"

I said, "Not by me." "Are

you sure it's not my fault?"

I said, "I'm positive," that was it.

I never dated, and she

never met a boyfriend.

I never had the g*y milestones

to challenge her in this g*y space,

if that would make sense.

It's just very me and

her. (soft thoughtful music)

- I didn't wanna do like

a full sit down, "Hey Dad,"

like, "I'm your, I'm g*y."

I paused it and I said, "I like guys."

- Oh. - And I pressed play.

Got the remote, he pressed

pause, and he was like,

"Are you being for real?"

And I was like, "Yes."

You know, we had this whole little moment.

I laughed about it,

maybe that is my defense.

He didn't believe me

for two and half years.

It put me in a position to

have to defend my sexuality.

- When did the House of

Tisci come into your life?

- When I got to Atlanta, I

already came into a house family.

Like, I was a Zion at the time.

So some sh*t can happen,

you go to another house.

So Tisci didn't kinda

happen until recently.

- [Group] It's Tisci, duh. It's Tisci, duh.

It's Tisci duh, it's

Tisci duh, it's Tisci duh.

- Boom boom, pow. (laughing)

(bright expectant music)

- I am mother Gia, that is Simone,

Stanley, Dro, Tray, and

we're the House of Tisci.

Duh. - It's Tisci, duh.

- The House of Tisci means family.

- Group hug. - I'm like, yeah.

- It's Tisci, duh. (laughing)

- Everyone in the house is

talented in their own single way,

and it just makes a group of adult people.

Me, on the other hand, a girl

who came from street dancing.

I feel like when I came to ballroom,

I started doing dances

that I'd never seen people do

on the floor, and I think

it opened up the doors

for the girls to kinda

step outta the regular,

you know, they all do the same thing.

When I was a boy I had a lot more energy,

so it's like times 10 of what you see now.

Switching over to a girl, a lotta changes.

You have to soften things up.

My ballroom specialty, I would have to say,

is definitely my spins.

I can tornado a girl right into the ground.

- What is a house? - A house,

it's not what you live in, darling.

They call it a house,

because you're a family.

Like I'm a Tisci, that's the house name.

You get a team of people

who, in some type of percentage,

they all care for you, and

you look out for each other.

It becomes a safe place for people

who don't have the love from their family.

- [Mikelle] The ballroom scene is community

started by Black and brown

q*eer and trans people

over 50 years ago.

Members organize themselves into houses

that serve as surrogate families.

But on the competitive

ballroom floor, there are teams

in which the contestants can earn trophies

and top-dollar prizes.

- Houses are so important

in the LGBTQ community,

because they give

people a platform to grow,

and express yourself too.

That's not only just fashion,

it's beauty, it's performing.

Whatever your expression

is, like you can bring that

to your house, and use it

and get paid for it, honestly.

Ballroom is the home for

these houses to go compete.

It was an underground scene that happened.

Like you know, back in

the day we weren't allowed

to live freely, be g*y, and be

trans women in the daylight.

So they created ballroom as a space

for people to express themselves.

- What's up girls?

- You are not a f*cking diva.

- I'm a fem queen performer, so I vogue.

You know, you see the

girls fall on their back

and do a zip, that's what I

do, 'cause I love to dance.

(lively dance music)

It's a lot of hair whipping,

a lotta titty shaking.

(lively dance music)

I also walk face, so

that's all about beauty,

and selling your face, and you know,

all of those things.

(lively dance music) (announcer chattering)

- [Obio] Okay, I'm comfortable

on 10th and Piedmont.

Am I comfortable downtown,

am I comfortable at work?

Am I comfortable amongst family?

- And when did that start to change?

- (chuckling) Mm, you

guys are gonna make me cry.

I feel like, it started to

change for me, honestly,

if I can be very, very frank,

when I started giving myself

permission to be myself.

When I finally decided I

didn't have to be amazing,

I didn't have to, hmm,

I didn't have to do any

of those things anymore.

No more judgment, none of that, you know?

And that happened in my late 20s,

like two years ago, to be honest.

And it was like the most

freeing, oh man, hmm.

The most freeing time of my life,

because I didn't have

to be anything but myself.

I didn't have to be masked or presenting,

I didn't have to be straight

lending, straight passing,

every part of my life was centered around

what people were gonna think of me.

And I finally had the

opportunity to not give a damn,

and Jesus Christ, I wish that for every,

that's literally why I

do everything I do now.

I wish that feeling for everybody, I mean,

oh man, I hate you. (laughing)

Oh man, come on man,

you got me on this show,

and looking like. (laughing)

- Black g*y men, it's two

burdens we have to carry.

One, we have to carry the

burden of being a Black man.

So I have a salon, I get women who say,

"Derek, my boyfriend

ironed his pants today.

Do you think he's g*y?"

"Oh, he wants to get a manicure pedicure,

"I think that's g*y," it's not g*y.

He just wants to get a

manicure pedicure, is that okay?

As Black men, the bar

set for you to be a man

is so ridiculous.

If you ain't robbed or k*lled somebody

or been to jail, you're not a man.

You can't show emotion,

you have to always be strong.

You have to be the

breadwinner, you have to be the,

so it's all of these

really masculine things

that you just have to be.

Well, you add g*y into

the mix, in this space

that don't align with being g*y.

That's just a mental mindfuck.

Nobody never sits down

to try to talk through it.

We don't go to therapists, you know,

Black people don't do that.

We're not about to go see no therapist,

tell them about y'all business.

So all you do is talk

to your other friends,

who've got the same

f*cked-up mentality as you.

So all you're doing is just

being in a f*cked-up space,

telling the other f*cked-up people

to help you with f*cked-up sh*t.

We just need therapy,

and we need to talk it out.

We need to cry, we need

to yell, we need to scream.

- Whatever it is, drugs,

sex, alcohol, abuse,

you can't get out by

yourself, you need help.

What I had to learn from

a good friend of mine,

State Senator Shevrin

Jones from Florida said,

"Ben, you have to give your mom time."

I had years to contemplate with coming out.

I gave her a few minutes, and

expected her just to be there.

Now in a perfect world she

would open her arms and say,

"It's me and you against

the world son," but she didn't.

She's human, and she had to process that,

and that's something I had to learn,

'cause I was very mad at her.

And it took years to heal,

and understanding her

journey as a human being.

Her reference to A*DS was

because when, you know,

in the '80s and '90s, all her

g*y friends died from A*DS,

so of course that's what

she would reference.

Of course she doesn't want

her only son that she loves

to be out in the world and be condemned.

So I had to understand her process,

understand that she still loves me,

but she just doesn't understand.

- 'Cause we didn't speak for a long time.

When we did start engaging

she would always joke,

"When are you getting married?

When are you gonna bring me a woman home?"

And we'd all suck our

teeth, me and my sisters,

and I'd go, "Mom, there's

no woman, get over it."

And although she said

it in a joking manner,

it was still an act of aggression.

"I don't accept who you are,

I'm not accepting who you are,

and I'm gonna keep

presenting the life I want for you,

despite you making it very clear

the life you want for you."

And I had to simply sit her down and say,

"You continue these

jokes, I won't be around."

I flipped the onus back

on her, "If you love me,

if you want me to be around,

you can respect and honor me.

If not, I have to protect my peace."

So we're still growing.

She's started saying things like,

"The first person whoever has a kid,

I'm gonna come live with

y'all and take care of y'all kids,"

and I said, "Well, you

know how I'm having kids."

And she's like, "Well, I'll be

there." And I'm like, "Okay."

- So there was a time when I

thought it was too much for me,

I would go back home, but that was right

when I got to this m*therf*cker,

'cause I didn't have sh*t.

I literally was homeless,

so I turned to ballroom.

- It's Tisci, duh. - And my ballroom family

took me in with open

arms, just like you see

in the little movies now.

- How did someone as talented as you

wind up dancing for a

whole bunch of junkies?

- I wanted to be a star.

- Have you ever considered joining a house?

- What do you mean?

- Well, a house is a

family you get to choose.

- I have nowhere else to go. - Come here.

- And hell, sh*t, it was not easy.

It was not always good

then either, sh*t was crazy.

I experienced living in one

house with 15 people in it,

and the other people who owned the house,

they had their own downstairs.

So unless you was f*cking

the person downstairs,

you stayed upstairs.

Going straight into

that kinda was like crazy.

I'm like, "Wow," like life,

you grow up really fast.

Like, it was badder

than living in the projects.

So I'm like, "Damn, I

never lived this low before."

That was the moment I wanted to go home,

and my mother, she told

me, "You can't come back here.

You need to look in the mirror."

And I'm like, "Well Mom,

we don't got no mirror."

Like it stuck with me,

because her telling me that

was the best thing she ever told me.

My face is what got me where I am,

and I will say thank God to makeup,

and thank God to beauty,

because beauty is

definitely a powerful thing.

From there, here comes the guys.

It's kinda like you're bait for a shark.

Men are just like, and

then it turns into this.

So you know, I had a little sugar daddy.

And you know, it's kinda crazy.

Like I never thought I

would have that, but sh*t,

it was perfect timing.

I needed it, I needed money, I needed help.

He took me under his wing, and sh*t,

life definitely picked up

then, 'cause I was comfortable.

- Living in the deep

South, I had no reference

of what I was really going through.

And I think that that's when

the creative kid came out.

Started to draw, and started

to express myself by myself.

Those gifts that I learned early on

are the same things I keep

and hold dear to myself now,

because they're my armor.

And even though I was

this creative kid growing up,

my mom and dad drilled in my head

that I need to be a doctor

or a lawyer, for some reason.

I was a banker for 11 years,

because that's what my

parents wanted me to do.

Buy a house, marry a woman, and have kids.

But it was at 40 that

I was like, "No, I can't.

I can't live for everybody else."

I've always wanted to be a designer.

I left corporate America and went back

to design school in LA,

it's because I wanted

to learn how to use a sewing machine.

And my friends thought I was crazy.

- Passing in my definition is someone

who people perceive to be straight.

When did I come out?

I can't give you a definitive

of when I came out,

because I'm still coming out.

It's a constant thing for me,

because I'm put in positions

where people project straightness

onto me often, you know?

In those moments I just

correct them, of course,

but it's again me re-coming out.

So for me it was always

like, "Girl, you know",

oh yeah, my boyfriend used to say that.

"Oh, my boyfriend has a

blue shirt," just so you can,

you know, they hear

boyfriend, they're like.

Like, I want you to know that I'm q*eer,

so I can know is this cool,

or do I need to not be here?

Until I said I was g*y,

I never had to identify as straight or g*y,

people just handled me like a straight boy.

Behavior is not indicative of sexuality,

'cause I did everything that

you can consider masculine,

and I was as g*y as June in Atlanta.

I know you perceive me to be straight,

then I know I'm safe here.

Now, if you know or think

I'm q*eer, does that change?

You know, and in some spaces that does.

I told my best friend of

like eight years at the time,

and he didn't talk to me again.

- Conservative g*y, right?

It is trying your best to be

either discreet or unclockable.

I don't wanna walk into a

room, people say, "Oh, he's g*y."

It's being the g*y that's acceptable.

It's akin to be the Black

that's acceptable in the white spaces.

Let me convert, create a version of me

that will be loved and accepted.

The style of clothes I

wear, the things I do.

So I won't be too loud,

I won't be too ghetto.

Don't wanna be too hood,

don't wanna be too rappish.

As a Black man I worked

a lot in white spaces,

and I tried my best to

be a conservative Black.

It was a self-hatred that

was causing that behavior.

My entire life I have been

taught, hide the q*eer Ben,

hide the g*y Ben, hide the feminine Ben.

There were so many q*eer things

that I wanted to do in life but never did

for fear of judgment,

even after coming out.

A friend invited me to a wig brunch.

I was like, "I'm not putting on no wig."

I want to go to the circuit parties.

You know, it's all day

partying, you're in skimpy wear.

Everything's happening

at the circuit party.

I always would wanna go

and participate but didn't,

because I was afraid of

what people would say or think.

And my pastor said this to me years ago,

and it didn't hit until this year.

"The greatest deliverance

that you could ever have

is from the opinions of people."

And once you start living for yourself,

the truth of who you are

will begin to lead the way,

and not the opinions of people.

But choosing me is making

decisions solely for me.

Before I'd make the decision,

and think about 10 things

somebody else would say or think

before I made the decision.

I had to come to realize,

if the opinions of people

won't matter when I'm

dead, why am I letting them

matter while I'm living?

What moved me to this journey of deep,

deep self-discovery was heartbreak.

I haven't been in love since 2007.

This year, I opened my heart again to love,

and it was God who did it,

because the guy I fell in love with,

we are not together,

but he was the only one

who was able to open my heart for me

to realize it was broken.

- Growing up, thankfully I

had an amazing spiritual advisor

and she was like, "Listen,

if our God is so amazing,

and our God is so forgiving,

if you are this person,

why would he damn you to so much trauma?

Y'all are preaching two different things."

You know, so she really

taught be to be like,

"Okay y'all, this wrong."

I went to church with one of

my friends who was also g*y,

which was very ironic,

and then they told him

that I couldn't come back anymore,

'cause you know, I had a h*m* spirit.

And I was like, "Oh."

- God started to speak

to me, I didn't get why.

Like, "Why are you still leading me?

Why are you still like

organizing my steps?"

And so it was this moments where I'm like,

"Okay, well God's not leaving me alone,

"and I've told him bye," right?

And so when I came back

to the faith, I just was like,

"God, like talk to me more," right?

I decided to listen and

sharpen my ear, my spiritual ear.

And it may sound blasphemous to some,

but God told me to be myself.

So me being closeted,

or me running from myself

was really against God,

because God created me this way.

- It took me years to overcome the trauma

of being g*y in church, and I had to let go

of my thinking behind a lot.

So where before I

thought, "Okay this is a test",

"God is humbling me," it

then became my greatest gift.

This is a gift God gave me,

to grow up in a Black

community in the hood,

a space where your existence is demeaned,

and to still come out

on top, that was the test.

I realized that my gayness

was my superpower this year,

in 2021, six years after I

originally came out at age 30.

God on your side

- I know there's a higher

being, whatever you may call him.

See what God has done for you.

You have a connection with him.

You don't need a third

person to talk to him.

Go to a quiet space. You

know, sit down and talk to him.

Have a conversation, he'll talk back.

All you gotta do is listen.

- For me now, I listen to God, or,

man I'll tell you, me

and God's so tight, huh?

Me and him just, you know what I'm saying?

Because it's not about me

running from who he made me.

It's about me ignoring

the dogma that people said.

It's people who said the things

that made me feel closeted.

People made me feel ashamed, it wasn't God.

And as the second I understood that,

faith was no problem, I was back.

I was back at it again.

And a certificate on paper

Isn't gonna solve it all

But it's a damn good place to start

- The day I remember is

the wedding on the Grammys

in 2014, by Queen Latifah and Madonna.

I was actually married

to now my ex-husband,

and that's what kind of started my company,

with the white suits,

'cause I made our suits

for that Grammy moment.

- We are gathered here to

celebrate love and harmony.

As I look out on this audience,

I'm delighted to see

the faces of 33 couples.

It is my distinct honor

to now ask our participants

to exchange rings.

By the power vested in

me by the state of California,

I know pronounce you a married couple!

Open your heart to me, baby

I'll hold the lock and you hold the key

Open your heart to me

- And we were actually

kinda the poster kids,

'cause they put us at the very front.

You know, my ex-husband

is the same height I am.

We have all these tattoos,

and he's in the industry

as well, and... Fire, I heard.

- Absolutely, and I

wish I could take credit,

by my husband made this.

Octavius Terry, yes yes. - Hi.

- He did these looks for tonight, yeah.

- I love it, I love it. - Thank you.

- You look awesome, now... Thank you.

- When marriage equality had

just overturned in California,

but getting married in

front of 30 million people,

I said to myself, "Oh my

gosh, like now I have to tell

everybody, like even my old teammates."

Like, "What's my coach gonna say?"

When we walked out there into, you know,

Smokey Robinson giving us a high five,

and like, and standing in front of Beyonce,

but to be accepted by 30 million people.

Right after that, my coach

sent me a powerful email.

He said, "You know, I

heard about what you did."

I just wanna tell you to

tell your then-husband like,

"I loved you first," and

that was so powerful.

But that was the moment

that I stopped caring,

and I started living my truth.

Only at 40 years old was

when I truly accepted myself.

(group chattering) - So you guys

should have everything

in place, I'm nervous.

(soft thoughtful music)

- I really love doing makeup.

I always kinda played with it.

I had to hide it, but it

was like something I loved.

I loved art. (disjointed bright music)

I do have like a father

figure, which is, I call it,

you know in our world

it's called a g*y father.

He was in the beauty

industry, kinda like a hairstylist.

I was a versatile makeup artist.

I can do glamour, I can do editorial,

I can do special effects if I needed to,

and was also taught.

And he's like, "Well yeah,

let's focus on you doing that."

So he kinda pushed me in that direction.

When he did it, I just started to see

everything spread like a wildfire.

Then every celebrity in the

book was calling my phone.

Kari Hilson, Kate Michelle,

Jenna Jameson, Kylie Jenner,

oh, I'm really the sh*t.

The money was rolling in.

- [Reporter] PEN America, a nonprofit aimed

at promoting free expression found

that more than 1400

incidents of books being banned

in the most recent school year alone,

those bans spanning 66

school districts in 21 states,

most of them written by

or about people of color

and members of the LGBTQ+ community.

- Excluding queerness is excluding people.

To teach young q*eer

people to affirm themselves,

it's necessary within the school system.

Kids should grow up seeing

themselves and loving themselves.

I wish I did, I really wish I did.

It would've saved me a lotta stuff.

I didn't have the luxury of seeing

masculine leaning people

in media growing up.

But there's a lotta guys who were like me,

who were just living their lives,

and I didn't know they were q*eer.

Two guys walking down the street,

I'm assuming they're friends,

and they could have

very well been husbands.

I would've benefited from seeing

a me when I was a teenager.

Like, "What, he just everyday dude,

and comfortable and proud?"

You were too shy, but now

There is that need for us to announce,

and make that clear line that

says, "I love men, I'm g*y."

- What's good, good people?

- I'm Obio, and in case you

didn't know, I'm the G in LGBTQ,

and you're watching

"It's Just Not Adding Up."

Well, in my content creation I do skits

that kinda allow people to see themselves,

and they're funny, but they're real.

Hey, can I tell you something?

- Yeah, what's up? (exhaling) I'm g*y.

- Oh, that doesn't

change a thing over here.

- Cool. - Can I tell you something?

- Sure. - I already knew you were g*y.

(record scratching)

I knew when you were young that-

- [Obio] Why do people do this?

Like, what do you want me to do

with this information, Steve?

Like congrats, you already knew.

You want some cookies, you

want a trophy, what's going on?

Look at him, just going. Well

good Steve, you already knew.

Everybody look, Steve knew.

- So a step into who Derek Jae is,

I was working in the hair industry,

and I was doing platform work

at Bronner Bros. Hair Show.

Hey guys, we are her at the Bronner Bros.

International Hair Show.

This is where Derek Jae

the hairstylist was born.

I mean, the heels, the fierce, the fabrics

and the competition,

all that happened here.

And I knew that I was

selling things, you know,

for a company, so I wanted to do something

that would get people's attention.

One of my birthday

years I bought this outfit

and the pants are too long,

so I bought a pair of heels,

so the pants could fit, yes.

So I was like, "Okay, well I could do this.

So, well let me wear the heels on stage,

and let's see what happens."

And then I would

start selling all this stuff,

people start coming, like they wanna know

what shoes I had on, all this kinda stuff.

Then when I got on television I wore them,

and they started to

become a part of my life.

Nobody has a competition for me right now.

- [Announcer] Here she's

in beauty, baby. Let's see

Okay, okay, okay, okay

Yeah, yeah

Are we about to get it

Just a little hot and

sweaty in the booth

- I personally feel, I tell everybody this,

and I saw it in a magazine,

in the next 10 years,

it's gonna be okay, men

will be wearing pumps.

I'm telling y'all.

Before the heels was just a job,

and they now just

became a part of who I am.

- Babe? Just manifesting.

Okay listen, it's been a minute.

The last time you guys saw

me I was doing my series,

and I just, I don't know.

- Where are we today? - Where are we?

- Where are we right now?

- We're in my home.

- [Interviewer] What does home mean to you?

What does home mean to you, the space?

- Mm, if anybody knows

me, my home is my space,

my safe haven.

You know, I do my work from my home.

I bring my friends to my home.

Everything is meticulously

placed, my home is important.

I don't have a live studio audience,

essentially when I'm doing my work.

You hope it lands, but I'm

talking to myself in here.

You know, I'm on the camera talking to me.

You know, I was at the gym once,

and a guy was working there with his son,

comes up to me and he was like,

"You know, I seen your channel.

I saw my son watching your stuff."

He was like, really at me about it.

In my mind I was like,

"Okay, this is a moment"

that I've had in comment sections,

"but I've never had it

in real life," you know?

So in that moment I just

kinda was telling him like,

"Hey listen, I can't control

what your son watches.

But if your son happens to be q*eer,

I think you should make room for him."

- We repeat behaviors

that have been done to us,

and hurt people hurt people.

I don't know why that's a

human phenomenon, but it is.

It is hard to overcome trauma.

I came out at age 30, and still at age 36,

f*gg*t, q*eer, Ben-g*y, fruity, flame,

those words still haunted me.

It took me understanding the power of self,

seek help, get therapy, and

gayness being my superpower,

to overcome those words.

- We have to get outta this

phase of living every day,

but dead because we're

disconnected from the divine.

Many of us could use the

gift and science of therapy.

It works, your pastor

is not your therapist.

I think that hurt some feelings,

your pastor is not your therapist.

A professional that went to school,

that studied the

science, is your therapist.

And there's so many

free resources out there,

if anybody's interested, I can connect you.

- [Octavius] Do you remember

the movie "Moonlight?"

- Let your head rest in my hand, relax.

I've got you, I promise.

I'm not gonna let you go.

Hey man, I got you. There you go.

- Tarell McCraney, who wrote the movie,

that was based off of his

life and his mother's life.

When he was nominated...

This year's nominees

for Best Adapted Screenplay, "Moonlight",

based on the play, "In

Moonlight Black Boys Look Blue",

by Tarell Alvin McCraney.

- Elizabeth Taylor, she wore a white dress,

and she wore a red ribbon to signify

all the lives that were

lost from HIV and A*DS.

She actually mailed him the

ribbon to wear for the Oscars.

He said, "Well, I wanna wear a white suit."

His stylist, I thought it was

a joke, reached out and said,

"Hey, we need to see

if you have a white suit,

potentially for Tarell McCraney.

But we just gotta you when he comes out,

then Dior is after them, and Calvin Klein."

So Tarell McCraney,

the day before the Oscars

showed up at my downtown

LA studio and he said,

"Man, it's just so really cool to see

another male Black designer."

And he tried the suit on,

and it fit him like a glove,

and everybody that was there, his handlers,

he was like, "This is what

I'm wearing to the Oscars."

I was like (gasping). - That rocks.

- And the Oscar goes to, Barry Jenkins

and Tarell Alvin McCraney for "Moonlight."

(audience cheering)

- This goes out to all

those Black and brown

boys and girls and non-gender conforming,

who don't see themselves.

We're trying to show you

you and us, so thank you-

- Tarell McCraney won an

Oscar in a tuxedo I made for him.

And when he walked off, Jimmy Kimmel said,

"And that was also the

best tuxedo of the night,

I have to say."

- And... Are you serious?

- Yeah, and I saved that sound bite,

and it actually took my

company through the roof,

because I went on to do Ray Jay's wedding

for "Love and Hip Hop",

Tatiana Lee's husband,

I did Mark Ballast, all just

because another Black male

in the LGBTQ+ community believed in me

at a time that was really

important for my career.

- So what about you

lights up a room, Derek?

- Oh, just me.

I'm from Ohio, so coming

to this Atlanta space,

I don't fit the look and the feel

of what these Atlanta boys are.

I don't got no flat stomach.

I got a wide nose, I got a gap in my teeth,

and I'm fine with that.

And so when I come into a room,

I have to come into a room fully myself,

and be fully present.

So that's a thing that

lights up the space for me.

I mean, I got good legs, so

I do wear a lotta short stuff.

(both laughing)

- People would be like, "Just be yourself,"

but that is not easy to get to.

- No, well it's not easy to get to,

and it's also not easy to

find out who yourself is.

It's a space of being who you

think you're supposed to be,

and then being who you are, and then trying

to marry the two together, and try to find

a happy medium in the middle.

- And you found your

happy medium, you feel.

- No sometimes, there's sometimes I have,

and sometimes I don't.

Some days I'll be like,

"What the f*ck am I doing?"

You know, it's like, "What is going on?"

But to think about it,

it's okay to say that.

It's okay to be like, "You know what?

I don't have it together today,

I don't know what's going

on, but you know what?"

- I'm okay with that. - I'm okay with that.

- 'Cause I'm exactly

where I'm supposed to be.

- [Derek] And yet I'll be here,

and I'll be back tomorrow. (crowd cheering)

(lively dance music)

You do it, you do it

- [Simone] I'm here in my

house, and yeah, welcome.

- [Interviewer] What

does home mean for you?

- Home means the safe place for me.

- [Interviewer] When did you

decide to make that decision

to transition, like-

- I'm gonna be honest,

I didn't write it down.

It just naturally happened, so.

In educational terms, I

started hormone therapy

about four and a half years ago.

But my transition however, was just,

you know me being the true me.

I feel like everyone takes it as a title,

and I think that's what

people are getting confused.

It's like, because you transition,

you have to be considered

a woman or a female,

which comes off as offensive to some women,

or some females who don't understand,

being your own form of

woman could be anything.

So I feel like my transition is just me,

to be the better me.

(soft thoughtful music)

- And once you define

someone by their challenge,

you've stigmatized them.

And once you've stigmatized them,

you are prone to ignore

their contributions,

and focus on their deficits,

and then consider their deficit the norm.

Many people think a lotta

Black families are poor,

when in fact the majority of Black families

are in the middle class and working.

Many people think Black

children come from broken homes

and fatherless homes,

when in fact Black dads

take care of their children

more than any other racial group

in the entire country,

and that's by a study

by the Centers for Disease Control.

Let's reject narratives that denigrate

and engender division, and work together

so that all Americans,

Black, white, g*y, straight,

rich or poor, can come together

and build a more caring

and prosperous world.

(crowd cheering) Thank you so much.

We've been through so

much as a Black people,

we don't have space or room to condemn.

But humans will condemn the least of these,

and in the Black community,

the g*y community is the least of these.

Even within the g*y community,

the transgender community

is the least of these.

- I draw a lotta strength

from fem presenting q*eer people.

I thought it was just so cold to see people

who were being themselves

in the midst of people

telling them that they

shouldn't be that person.

The Marshall P. Johnsons of the world,

we have a duty to them,

because they were people

who were bold, and didn't have the luxury

of treating their queerness like T-shirts.

If this is the space I

can put my T-shirt on,

but a lot of us have the luxury

of taking it off when need be.

And for our trans sisters, they don't.

And I'm seeing hate crimes for

people who are q*eer like me.

- [Reporter] Michelle Tamika

Washington, 40 years old,

and a long time advocate

for the LGBTQ community,

was shot several times.

Her death came one

day after Malaysia Booker

was found dead in

Dallas, Booker was just 23.

One week before those

murders, 21-year-old Claire Legato

was shot in the head in Cleveland.

Earlier this year, two more

Black transgender women,

Ashanti Carmen and Dana

Martin, were also k*lled.

Last year, more than two

dozen transgender people

were k*lled, and according to a 2018

Human Rights Campaign

report, there were at least

128 trans people k*lled

in 32 states since 2013.

80% of them were people of color.

- What in my content

creation allows you to have

a lighthearted way of showing

you h*m*, transphobia,

like those biases that

we experience every day.

- Being a g*y man, would

you date a trans woman?

- Oh no, I don't date women, man.

- But she's a... A what? A what?

She's a woman.

- But what if she still looks like a-

(both scoffing)

Maybe I should try to mind my business.

(bright thoughtful music)

- It seems as if you can pass as a woman.

Can you pass as a woman?

- I am a woman.

- I mean, I'm not saying, you are a woman.

Let me take that back, okay.

- I'm my own form of woman, though.

- You're your own form of woman,

so please forgive me... No, you're fine.

- In that... I get what you're saying.

- You get what I'm saying? - I'm passable.

- You see, you're passable. - Yeah.

- Please educate me. - Real.

- Real, you are a woman,

but what benefits do you have

being a woman?

- Okay, so take the phrase back.

- [Ryan] Let's take the

phrase back. Educate me.

- I am a trans woman, and I like,

'cause this is such a big

topic nowadays, and I,

you have to be very correct

when you say I'm a trans woman,

and I am my own form of woman.

I'm the woman that I am, I'm me.

(lively dance music)

Everything that I've

done, I never looked at it,

"Oh, because I'm trans, I can't do it."

I'm like all my other sisters.

If that's the case, I can

do anything I wanna do.

Thank you guys. Happy Pride.

I may not be passable to the next person.

So it's like I'm not gonna just say,

"Oh, I'm just the most passable thing,"

but I don't live my

life worrying about that.

I do what I want, and I'm

gonna go wherever I want.

We fought so long to

be free, and I feel like

we're at this moment where

the only thing that holds us back

is what people think, and I

don't care what people think.

So you know, that wasn't your thing.

It's a male, like dating,

I'm just not your thing.

But I, nine times outta

10, they never say no.

(soft thoughtful music)

- I actually had fears and phobias

of the transgender and

drag queen communities.

When I realized that that

was an ignorance of mine,

I said, "I need to face my ignorance."

I volunteered at Transcon,

and I left that conference with friends.

I left that conferences

with stories of parents

who had transitioned their children,

and still mourned the

death of their original child,

but accepted the life and

birth of the child they now have.

- Transitioning opened up doors for me

to do amazing things, because I was me.

So being myself, I'm

in a great state of mind

to do whatever I wanna do,

and I'm not holding back doing it.

Perfect as beyond

Me being able to do TV shows,

or being able to compete in ballroom

the way I would wanna compete.

I'm a makeup artist, it seems

more seamless doing it as me.

(bright thoughtful music)

When I went out into the world as a woman,

I know society's still

not understanding of it,

but that never mattered, because I love me,

and I know me loving me so

much, it changed people's minds.

So I would tell any trans girl

to understand yourself, love who you are,

because in this world, not

just us are not understood.

There's so many people

that aren't understood.

I feel cunty.

But if you understand yourself,

it'll make it more easy

for another person too.

- People are not with

the hiding game anymore.

People aren't big into the DL life anymore,

because people want you

to be your authentic selves.

Times are changing, and if

people don't get with the shift,

namely churches and

ministries, they will be left behind.

- My friend said to me

the other day, he was like,

"You like changed the trajectory

of what being Black and g*y looks like.

Remember when Morehouse was having

that whole thing about dressing?

He was like, "You were

the poster child for that.

Like they had a picture of

you on the thing that said,

'You can't dress like this at school.'"

For people to be like, "I

wear Bags 'cause of you.

I could put heels on because

of you, and thank you."

And it's like, "Really?"

It feels good to be a part

of the evolution of the new generation.

That was never the mission.

The mission was always for me to be me,

and to be authentically me,

who at least I thought I was.

- Oh, what would I say

to the younger generation

of g*y boys?

It gets better, it really does.

And I would say, just please

don't internalize that stuff.

Write it off as temporary, 'cause it's,

I spent so much of my

time unlearning things,

and I think had I just pacified them

as just you spewing your hatred,

it wouldn't have took as

long for me to get on my path.

What's funny is my

parents made a lotta space

for me to be q*eer, to be honest.

In hindsight, I did so

many things as young boy

in my household that were so okay.

But I think it's back

to faith a little bit.

I think God sent me down that path

of like shame or doubt or whatever,

so I can have that

experience, to speak to it

in a really real way, because I get it.

I'm not outside the club

talking about what goes down.

I'm in there, like I get it.

I think sometimes when people see us

have these kinda

conversations, and are vocal

about our sexuality, that

we're fully comfortable.

And for me, I haven't gotten there yet.

And so I want people to

understand that it's a journey with,

I'm not even sure where the destination is,

but the journey itself to me

is where the beauty is, you know?

- You remind me of Maya

Angelou, when people would ask her

if she was a Christian and

she would say, "Well, are you?"

And they would say, "Yes."

And she was like, "Already?"

She was in her 80s when she answered that.

But she would say, "It's

still a journey, I'm still on."

So the fact that you're there already,

my dear, good for you.

- I'll receive it.

- Be, live, duplicate love.

That is our only job.

They asked Jesus, "What is

the greatest command of all?"

Love, love God with all your

heart, and love your neighbor.

I believe the church

should be focused on love.

That's what Christ was,

and that's who Christ is.

Love is actually the center

of many world religions,

but humans decide not to focus on it.

I practice my ministry

every day, and I tell folks,

"Listen, you can be your authentic self

and still be a representation

of God's love on earth."

When I bring two humans

together in love and matrimony,

it's an act of ministry.

When I'm standing on

President Barack Obama's stage

and declaring, you know,

that q*eer rights is Black rights,

and Black rights is human rights,

and human rights is everybody's right,

it's an act of love and ministry.

So it is beyond the four walls,

and it's not coming to you every Sunday,

but it's coming to you every day.

(bright thoughtful music)

- My name is Derek Johnson.

If you google Derek Johnson,

it's the most ordinary-est name on Earth.

I never know I'd be on TV.

I did hair for "Wonder Years."

I did hair for "Our Kind of People."

Just the fact that I was

able to put Derek Jae

for consideration for an Emmy, who would,

I didn't think none of that stuff.

- Now looking at, looking

back at two years old

with me being molested,

I don't think that that's the reason,

you know why I identify as LGBTQ.

You know, I hear my

peers talk about superpower.

I think it is what built my superpower

to become this person that was relentless,

because I always used that

to do everything I'm doing now.

So I connect those two in a positive way.

And looking back at

my childhood and saying,

you know, I don't want another brown boy

to ever have to go through thinking

that they're bad or they're

wrong for who they are.

- So when I saw him walking

down the hallway, I said,

"I know this guy."

Didn't remember where I

know him, I never forget a face.

I'm trying not to cry saying this.

- What did you say today?

- And I said to him,

"I've seen you before."

Sitting here listening to your story,

you kept becoming more familiar.

In 2014, my friend James Bland-

- Oh, yeah. - Posted a picture

of you and your husband.

That gave me the courage to come out.

- Ooh. - Your act of bravery

is why I'm here now. - Yeah, because.

I know that was scary,

but thank you for that, yeah.

- You talk about your legacy,

you never know the waves.

- That's true.

- And part of your legacy

is me, brother. I thank you.

- That's why you have to keep going.

- Yeah, absolutely.

Thank you man, for that. Thank you.

- That was good. - Thank you.

- That was unplanned, okay?

Where's my napkin? Hey, up.

- Proudest moment in

my life was coming out,

and telling my truth,

and living in my truth.

- Me living in my authentic self,

I believe that that is why

the doors have opened for me

to do so many amazing

things, even to this day.

- If I wouldn't have

come out, I don't think

that I would have the level

of success I have right now.

And I mean that, because I

wouldn't have been authentic.

I wouldn't have been able to be myself.

- All you have to do is

just stay true to your space,

what you do, who you are,

and the doors will

automatically open for you.

- When I look in the mirror, I see Simone,

the girl that I am now, I see myself.

My mother told me to look in that mirror,

so every time I look in the mirror,

I see the girl that I am,

'cause I know who I am.

Unless somebody's standing

in it with me. (laughing)

- So what I would say at 50,

that you're never too old to learn.

Now me as a designer, only

started sewing like 10 years ago,

and now I'm considered one of the best

men's wear designers out there now.

- I wasn't ready for Michelle Obama,

I wasn't ready for Barack Obama.

I wasn't ready for national exposure,

because I was not my full authentic self.

- If I keep my spirit open to the universe,

be as truthful and honest

as I can be to myself,

I could do anything, and

anything can come my way.

And now all you gotta do is that,

when it comes, you gotta be ready for it.

- Think God can do way more with your truth

than he can with your lies.

And I think for me that was my biggest win,

was even if I didn't do a conversation

dedicated to queerness,

me existing in my queerness

was gonna be vital to that next step.

- Keep going, keep doing what you're doing.

Like, I'm very, I'm proud of you.

- I say over time you'll find

yourself over and over again.

It doesn't just happen overnight.

I guess it's a process of life,

'cause you're changing every day.

You're never the same person.

- I believe until you bring

your full self to the table,

the universe can't recognize you.

So there are things that

are locked up in the universe

that will just stay there

until you bring your full self.

'cause there are elements

of your life that unlock that.

I don't wanna lose

it, I don't wanna lose

(soft thoughtful music)

(clapboard clacking)

- The opportunity to become a spokesmodel,

for me, just to be able to see the impact,

to kinda spark a change,

and show them that

beauty comes in all forms,

mine just happened to be trans.

- We are two people who are q*eer

in a relationship together,

but we also have our own

separate q*eer identities.

- From our conversations, you have a son?

- Yes. - That is same gender loving.

And you also have a mother... A mother.

- That is same gender loving. - Mm-hmm.

- Being an athlete and having curiosity

about your sexuality, is probably one

of the hardest walks of life.

- No, I haven't had sex.

When I say sex, like intercourse.

I love mess that go on with

sex, I just don't wanna do it.

- It took me a long time

to actually step into my life.

I used to play with

my sister's Barbie dolls.

I love doing hair, but I

would sneak and do it,

'cause I always said, "Oh, that's g*y.

I can't be doing that."

- It holds a lot of us back

when we get in these spaces

where it almost feels threatening to us

just to get our hair cut.

- "It will stay on your side of the house.

We're not paying for

you to apply to college.

Don't drink outta our cups."

- Hey Mom, hey Dad.

So I know there have been

a lot of suspicion, maybe concerns.

- It was a lot for her to handle,

because like I said, you

know, we have. (sighing)

- Me being in this seat right now

is showing presence of

something that I've never seen

as a Black g*y man in

Oklahoma, I didn't see that.

- Do I have any fear regarding

being a g*y man and raising kids, no.

And my 13-year-old love girls.

What I do in my life has no

effect on what he wants to do.

- When I met my husband,

I had feelings within me

that I had never experienced before.

Our first date, we laid

all the cards on the table,

and it's like, "Wow, you still want me?"

It's magical.

- And now we have a

Gullah Geechee restaurant,

where men that look like us

can come in and feel loved and affirmed.

- Black g*y people have a right to exist,

and to live and to love where they are.

We are not going away

with our issues of sexuality.

We are coming home. - Okay.

I don't wanna lose it, ooh