01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, Julia.

I just got a text from the camp.

The bus is gonna drop
Grace off at 5:00.

I am at The Nest recording
one last goldfish video.

I'm going to screen
them for her tonight.

They are hilarious, by the way.

So I will see you at 5:00.

Hey, Jimmy, I'm
back. Still alive?

- Still alive, Dad!

- Good job.

OK.

All right, Gracie,
it's your dear old dad,

recording the final installment
of Diary of a Teenage Goldfish,

or What Googles the Goldfish Did

While Grace Kearney
Was at Sleepaway Camp.

Now, as you've seen in my
prior compelling installments,

Googles misses you terribly.

But he has also taken
advantage of your absence

by staying up way
past his bedtime,

gorging himself on junk food,
and refusing to do his chores.

Hey, Googles, better
clean up that bowl

are you gonna be in big
trouble when Gracie gets home.

You and your pal, Mr. Old Timey
Diver Guy better snap to it.

Make that bed. Do the dishes.

Fire up that vacuum cleaner.

No, no, no. Googles.

Googles. Oh.

Ow. Ooh.

Googles, don't you
dare die on me.

Oh.

Oh!

Breathe. Breathe.

Grace is so excited
about seeing you.

[inhales]

Ooh.

- ♪ It's genius ♪

♪ The marriage that we
once had now is through ♪

♪ And now we're doing
all that we can do ♪

♪ To keep us all
together as a crew ♪

♪ Trust, do as we
say, not as we do ♪

♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪

♪ But we've just begun ♪

- Hi. My name is Jim.

I'm a dad who recently k*lled
my daughter's pet goldfish.

- Hi. I'm Julia.

I'm a mom who's sitting
next to this dear man

who recently k*lled our
daughter's pet goldfish.

- Not deliberately.
- Yet decisively.

- Indisputably conclusively.

- [chuckles] Jim
and I were married

17 years ago last June.

- Yet, the happiest
day of our lives

was when we got
divorced last July.

- [laughs]

When I asked Jim for
a divorce, he said...

- Please, pretty please,
with sugar on top.

- We had a good run,
but it was time to...

- Run away.

- Some people wonder why.
- We don't.

- Let's just say that the
physical-intimacy component

of the marriage had...

- Ground to a halt, which
can be an indication

that a relationship is...
- Over.

- But just because
that part's over

doesn't mean the affection and
appreciation for one another

had totally vanished.
- Far from it.

- We just began to realize
that our marriage was

in the way of us getting along.

- Divorce can be a good thing.
- A source of ceaseless joy.

- As long as you stay
on the same page.

- Which is easy on paper.

- Less easy in real life.

- Jim, what's wrong?

- Dad, Gracie's goldfish
just died on my watch.

- Which watch?
Don't say the Rolex.

Sorry. You teed that one up.

To carry on without a retort

would have weakened my
wisecracking muscles.

- Yeah. I just got to figure
out how to tell Gracie.

- It's easy. Lie to her.

- Yes, that was
my first thought.

- Let it be your last.

Lying's the proper
thing here, Jim.

- Hey, I'm not arguing.

I'm just afraid Grace is
going to see right through it.

- No chance.

- Kids are smart.

- Everyone says that,
but it's not true.

Kids are stupid.

- Not in my experience.

- I lied to you when
Rusty the cat died.

- Rusty the cat died saving
a family from a house fire.

- In my lie, yes.
In truth, nah.

- Wait. You told me that Rusty
the cat meowed really loudly

to rouse the family awake.

- Jim, 40 years later,
I'm coming clean.

Rusty the cat was run
over by a street sweeper.

- Dad, please tell
me it was sudden.

- I can't.

Street sweepers aren't
known for their horsepower.

- But once he was hit,
did Rusty die quickly?

- Sure.

- How did I not notice how
bad a liar you were back then?

- You were a stupid kid.

- Ah, poor Rusty.

- See how hurt
you are right now?

- Yeah.
- We need to protect Grace

from the pain you're feeling.

And, yes, it took
a moment or two

to extract Rusty from the
rolling bristle things.

- You're a monster.

- Sometimes being a monster
is what fatherhood requires.

Now it's your
turn, Frankenstein.

- Yeah, I see that.

All right. Thanks, Dad.

I got to find Julia.

- Smart.

Julia's a great liar.

She spent 17 years
pretending she liked me.

Where's Jimmy?

- He's in his room
playing video games.

- Nice.

I do my best grandparenting
when I'm ignored.

Text me on the way
back, so I can split

before Julia has to struggle
through her obligatory,

"Good to see you, Bobby."

- Before we go further,

we want to make sure you
get how happy we are.

For most people, divorce
has a negative connotation.

- We wanted to reframe
divorce as an opportunity

for growth, not despair.

- Jubilation, not devastation.

- We considered
ourselves trailblazers

for transforming a negative
thing into a positive thing.

- So, for our
divorce, we decided

to go back to the church
where we were married.

- To host what we
called the very first

reverse wedding ceremony.

- So we gathered
friends and family.

- I slipped into my
old wedding dress.

- I stepped into a cheap
suit and an even cheaper wig,

to resemble how I
looked that day.

- We stood at the altar.

- Took rings off of fingers.

[organ music playing]

- I'm gonna pawn these.

[laughter]

- Pawn this, too.

- We lowered veils.

- And ripped up our vows.

If we were Jewish,

we would have glued a
glass back together.

- And then I backed
out of that marriage

like it never happened.

♪ ♪

[Donna Summer's
"Last Dance" playing]

- ♪ Last dance, last
dance, last dance ♪

- We showed everyone how to
end things on a high note.

- Everyone, that is,
but our daughter, Grace.

- ♪ Last dance ♪

- So we bought her a
goldfish to cheer her up.

[upbeat music]

- Julia, hey.

- Jim.

Are you here for Sunday brunch?

- No, I'm here to see you.

- What? How did you
know I was here?

- What do you mean, how? Duh.

- Duh, what? What
am I looking at?

- Oh, family sharing.

That blinking green
dot, that's you.

- You're tracking me?

- No. No, I don't
have to track you.

You're sharing your
location with me.

I just have to look at my phone.

Again, the blinking green dot...

- I know what the
blinking dot is, Jim.

- OK.
- But tracking me

is not the intended use
of that application.

- It's entirely the intended
use of that application.

You share your location
with your family

so your family
knows your location.

- You and I are now ex-family.

- Tell that to your phone.

You're the one who
opted into the sharing.

- When we were married.

- And just like we
opted out of that,

you got to opt out of this,
but that's not important.

- Yes, it is.

As of this moment, I am opting
out of the family tracking.

I am opting. I am scrolling.

I am searching. I am...

God, where the hell is it?
- Go to Settings.

- I'm under Settings.
- OK.

Take a deep breath.
- Don't tell me how to breathe.

There. [chuckles]

I am no longer
sharing my location.

I am no longer a blinking dot.

I am a no dot. I
have disappeared.

- I can still see you.

- You can't just track me
down in person anymore, Jim.

We got to reboot our
boundaries conversation.

- OK. I am sorry that I used
the quite common, quite useful

family-sharing feature
that was invented

so that when people
are kidnapped,

they can be rescued.

But I guess you would rather don

some magical cloak
of invisibility

so that you can
vanish without a trace

whenever somebody
close to you needs you.

Noted.

- Has someone I
know been kidnapped?

- No.
- Does someone I know

need rescuing?
- No.

- Is someone I know
unexpectedly dead?

- Go to your meeting.
- Oh, my God, Jim.

Is someone dead?
- Someone, no.

Something, yes.

- You mother effer.

You k*lled my orchid!

I told you... I asked you,

please don't k*ll any
more of my plants, Jim.

- Your orchid is
very much alive.

- Hey, hon.
- Oh.

Hey, baby.
- How's it going?

Hey, Jim.
- Trey.

Here for the "Miami
Vice" convention?

- So, plot twist... I
fell in love with someone

after the divorce.

- Why don't you just say
met? You had to meet first.

- And, oh, what
a meeting it was.

[both chuckle]

How you doing?

I'm Trey Taylor, owner
of the Boston Celtics.

- Mm, you don't
need to say that.

- What, my name?

- Is your name "Owner
of the Boston Celtics"?

- Julia asked me to
introduce myself.

- I didn't say Jim Kearney,
owner of a 2004 Honda Accord.

Oh, hey, Trey, why don't
you say why you met Julia?

- I don't think that's relevant.

- It's all relevant.

Say how you insulted
half your fan base,

so you needed Julia, a
professional crisis manager,

to swoop down and
save your butt.

- You swooped down, all right.

[laughter] Boy,
did you swoop down.

[laughter]
- Ew. Ew.

Ew. Ew.
- OK.

- OK. All right. Fine.

After a night out in Boston,
I was ambushed by paparazzi.

And I made a comment
that some people took...

- Exactly how you intended.

- The Celtics are
playing like crap.

And if we don't fix
it, we're gonna be

the redheaded
stepchild of the NBA,

but redder and steppier
than the reddest,

headiest, steppiest child ever.

You know what I'm saying?

- It was an innocuous comment.

- Oh, no, it wasn't.
It was very offensive.

Very, very offensive.
Peak offensive.

Trey, uh, tell everyone how
you got schooled on exactly

how offensive the term
"redheaded stepchild" is.

- Celtic means Celt, which
means Irish, Ireland,

lot of redheads,
lot of Catholics,

not a lot of birth control,

therefore, a fair
amount of stepchildren.

I not only offended half
of the Celtic fan base,

but I offended an
entire country.

- It blew up.

There were threats of
protests, boycotts.

People were pissed.

- What does this have
to do with the fish?

- Anyway, Kevin Kelly,
the GM of the Celtics,

got in touch with me and
introduced me to Trey

to help him manage the...
- Public-relations disaster

that Trey's ignorance
had ignited.

- Look, Trey, this
is all gonna be fine.

We just have to
fix the perception

before we fix the problem.

So your first task
is to walk out there,

look 'em in the eye,

and read the statement
I wrote for you.

- All right, cool.
Cool. What's the goal?

- To say something that
means nothing but still

makes this all go away.
- Love that.

- Read this, please.

- "I am committed to a
new path of understanding.

"And I ask you to help me
usher in a new era of shared

"creative pragmatism that
warrants deep introspection

from us all."

What does that mean exactly?

- It's subtly reminding people
that forgiveness is a virtue.

And shame on them if they
haven't cultivated that virtue

in their own lives and
find themselves unable

to furnish mercy and
compassion for those of us

who are courageous enough
to admit our faults.

Shame on them. Shame.
It's unforgivable.

- You're good. She's good.

- Perfect.

Bunch of words
adding up to nothing,

but sure as hell sounding
like they add up to something.

- And despite all of
that great advice,

I still had to
take responsibility

for my ignorance.

So I apologized sincerely.

- And it worked.
- And I fell in love with her.

- And I fell in love with him...
his values, his mind, quickly.

- Quickly.
- Quickly.

- Very quickly.
- Yes.

- [laughs]
- Very quickly.

[laughs]

Who would have thought
that putting my foot

in my mouth would lead to
the hottest woman I know

putting her foot in my mouth?

- OK. Yabba-dabba-doo.

Nobody cares about
this, especially me.

- You k*lled Googles?
- No.

But having not k*lled him
doesn't mean he's not dead.

- How the hell does
a fish just die?

- Well, the toxicology
report comes back...

How the hell should I know?

These things only live,
like, six months, anyway.

- Actually, the life expectancy
could be up to 15 years

if properly cared for.

- How do you know that?
- Class I took at MIT.

- College is such a racket.

- Go buy a lookalike fish, now.

- And do what with it?

- Try to keep it alive
till I get there.

[upbeat music]

- [whistling]
- Hey, Grandpa.

Can I have a Popsicle?
- Sure.

- Is this Grace's goldfish?

- That is he, Jimmy.

- Why is he in the freezer?

- I don't know.

Your father thought
it was more dignified

than flushing him
down the toilet.

- Does Grace know he's dead?

- She does not.

Can I make you a fluffernutter?

- Can I still have the Popsicle?

- You can have
both. I'm in charge.

I say they go great together.

- So we focused on
the crisis at hand

and got a lookalike goldfish.

What? Just say it.

- Babe, I didn't say anything.

- You dipped your head.

I mean, your head
dip said quite a bit.

- I did not share Jim and
Julia's bulletproof confidence

in the lookalike-fish strategy.

♪ ♪

- Perfect.

- Welcome to The
Nest, Googles 2.0.

Now, keep your fish gills glued.

- Boom. Crisis averted,
crisis manager.

- Yeah.
[chuckles]

[clears throat] Uh, Jim.
- Mm-hmm.

- I want you to know
that I was at the hotel

to meet with a wedding planner.

- Oh. Who's getting married?
- We are.

- Oh.
[chuckles]

Fantastic. Congratulations.

- You're happy for me?

- I'm happy for me.

Finally, some other
schmuck is gonna know

what it's like to
be married to you.

- Who you calling schmuck?

- You.
[chuckles]

Ah, I'm just
joking. I'm joking.

I'm happy for you both.
- Well, thank you, Jim.

That's magnanimous.
- Congrats, Trey.

- Oh, wow. I really
appreciate that, Jim.

- Feel free to show
your appreciation

with floor tickets
to a Celtics game.

- Looks like we both met
the man of our dreams.

- [chuckles]

- And together, we solved the
nightmare of the dead fish.

And when Grace arrives, she'll
never know the difference.

- Eh...

- What?

- Forgive me. I'm not
in favor of lying.

- Why not?
- "Why not"?

- Lying is what parents need
to do sometimes to build trust.

- I think she can
handle the truth.

- Well, she's not your kid.

- I'm about to be
her stepfather.

- Good thing she's
not a redhead.

- I addressed that
issue publicly.

- And Jim is the only one
who still brings it up.

- Funnier every time.

- I respect the
way you raised her.

Clearly, it worked.

But the Grace I know
is really smart,

and she pays
attention to detail.

- Dude, that's why
we're lying to her.

- Look, Trey, you're sweet, OK?

And I agree with everything
that you said about Grace.

My philosophy is,
you should never lie

unless you can get away with it.

And I think we can here.

- That is the Julia I
fell in love with...

shifty, flawed, devious.

We must all swear
to bury this secret

along with the original fish.

- I don't think we
can get away with it,

and I don't think we should try.

- So what's your solution?
- Tell her the truth.

[both laugh]

- Oh, oh, oh, he's serious.
- Oh, OK. Yeah.

- She's 13 years old.

Don't insult her
intelligence by lying to her.

She'll get it. It's
nobody's fault.

- Well, I think we all
agree it's Jim's fault.

- Hey, I fed this
fish five meals a day,

and then ten meals on Friday
to get through the weekend.

- Oh, God, no.
- You are such a jackass!

- You k*lled that fish.
You k*lled that fish.

[phone chimes]

- [gasps] Grace is
in the elevator.

- How do you know?
- Duh, I'm tracking her.

- Uh, y'all better
hide that body.

[door closes]
- Hey, everybody.

- Hi, Gracie.

- Mom.
- Welcome home.

- Hi.
- Welcome home.

Oh, sweetie.
- Oh, there's my girl.

Hey.

- Trey, this is a surprise.
What are you doing here?

- I came to welcome
you home from camp.

How was it?
- It was fine.

I missed my family and my
favorite fish, Googles.

How you doing, bud?

- Hey, Grace. Welcome home.

- Hey, Jimmy.

- Oh, I see you
got a new goldfish.

- What do you mean new?

- Isn't this dead
one the old one?

- Trey k*lled Googles.

And then he asked
us to lie about it.

- Why would you do that?
- Grace, Trey didn't do...

- Because I was ashamed.

- Trey.
- Let him speak.

- Your mom was
stuck in a meeting,

and your dad and
brother weren't here.

And I was tasked to
watch the goldfish,

and I failed miserably.

I am so sorry.

- Trey, who k*lled
Googles? Mom or Dad?

- I'm sorry, Grace. I know I was
supposed to care of your fish,

and I blew it.

You blew up our family.

- Wait, what?

- Both of you. I don't
care about the fish.

I mean, of course I loved
Googles, but it was a fish.

You thought I couldn't handle
the death of a little fish

when I handled the
death of the only family

that I've ever known?

Don't you realize
how grown I am?

I'm 13 1/2.

- Yes.

Mustn't forget about the half.

- What I loved was
our family intact...

the fabulous foursome.

But now I'm just a lost
soul from a broken family.

- No, you're not.

- I am. Before you know it,

I'm gonna have a tongue
ring, start vaping.

I'm gonna need to
talk to a counselor.

Unlock the liquor cabinet
and cut up the cocaine.

- Grace, I can see
that you're upset.

- Oh, my God.

Mom, you're using
mirroring language.

I can see that you're not upset.

Me, I'm jubilant.

Divorce is fun.

I'm a pioneer at reframing

how my parents have
destroyed my family.

Bust out the champagne.

- Come on, Grace,
that's not fair.

- Fair?

You always tell us that family
is the most important thing.

We became a family

because you two decided
to make a family.

And then you unmade
it without asking us.

That's not fair.

- Jimmy, are you doing OK?

- Yeah. I just
scored my high score.

Is Grace addicted to blow?

- Not yet.

- I'm sorry, Grace.

I shouldn't have
lied about Googles.

- I'm sorry, Grace. I
shouldn't have let Trey lie.

- I'm sorry Trey
lied to you, Grace...

and that your mom
didn't stop him.

I'm joking. I'm joking.

- I'm going to my room.

- Grace. Grace, you're right.

We've done you a
terrible disservice,

unfairly, as you said,

by being so determined to make
this divorce non-disruptive

that we bypassed your feelings.

- Mom, I'm your daughter,

not a crisis that
you need to manage.

Before I could even be
sad about your divorce,

you were so caught
up in telling me

and the rest of the
world how great it was.

- We didn't mean to
rush you through this.

- Or skip past it. But we did.

- And we're ready to
talk about it in depth

as much as you want.

- Or if this little
chat was sufficient...

uh, we can move
on with our lives

and celebrate that
your mother and Trey

are engaged to be married.
- What?

- [yelps]

- And that's how
we got Googles 3.0.

- So we're here, warts and all,

making mistakes in our
lives for your benefit.

- So you can see what to do and
maybe not to do in a divorce.

- And in a marriage. That's
where you come in, Trey.

- I have no clue what
I'm getting into.

- A great family, that's
what you're getting into.

Fluffernutters for everybody.

- Good to see you, Bobby.

- Good to see you, Julia.

♪ ♪

- ♪ I'm getting
swag in the suite ♪

♪ I'm getting swag
in the luxury suite ♪

♪ I'm getting swag
in the suite ♪

♪ I'm getting swag
in the luxury suite ♪

- What are you doing
with that lamp?

- I'm taking it to my apartment.

- Why?

- I need a lamp.

- Did you ask Trey if you could
take a lamp out of his suite?

- He said, help yourself
to anything you want.

So I'm helping myself
to something I want.

- He meant food and drinks,
not appliances and hardware.

- Hoo-hoo!

How about them Boston Celtics?

You guys are good luck.
We're playing well.

Mwah.
- [chuckles]

- Thanks for all the
cotton candy, Trey.

- How many of
those have you had?

- I don't know.

Maybe six.

- Jimmy, quit that.
- Yeah, Jimmy.

Quit it like our parents
quit their marriage.

Both: Whoa!

- Grace, chip off the old block.

- Jim, put the lamp back.

- Trey, did you or did
you not say help yourself?

- Enjoy the lamp, Jim.

- Thank you.

I'm gonna put this in the car.

♪ ♪