01x05 - Chapter Five: Del

[bunniefuu]

[ all screaming ]

girl: What the f*ck
are you doing?

[ screaming stops ]

[ indistinct chatter ]

[ Donna clapping]

All right, now you try.

[ laughs ]
I can't do it!

-Mom, come on.
Yes, you can.
-No!

Come on!

- Okay.
- You ready?

[ both laughing ]

- All right.
- Yeah.

- One...
- Two...

[ both laughing ]

- Okay.
- Okay, one, two...

Ow! Oh,
I can't do it.

- I can't do it.
- [ laughs ]

The water...
[ sputters ]

gets up my nose and I...

I start drowning.

I'm not meant to be upside down.

Not unless your
father's behind me.

Oh, Jesus, Ma.
Don't be disgusting.

How do you think
you got here? [ laughs ]

[ chuckles ]

Oh, my God.
Will you stop?

I think he goes in my school.

Well, if he goes to your school,

then you should be the one
flirting with him.

- I'm good.
- [ Donna sighs ]

Come on, he's half decent.

Good job, maybe he's got a car.

I said, I'm good.

What is it, another boy?
Another girl?

Jesus, Ma!

I don't give a sh*t.
As long as you're happy

and she's got a car.

I just don't really want
a boyfriend right now,
that's all.

What kind of 14-year-old
girl doesn't want
a boyfriend?

I'm busy.

- Busy with what?
- With stuff.

I'm thinking of running
for Class President.

[ laughing ]

[ gasps ]
Oh wait, for real?

Yeah. I mean, maybe.
I just... I don't know.

I don't know if I'm the type
of person that people
would vote for.

Not really.
Even like or whatever, so.

Why wouldn't they like ya?

You're smart,
you're kind, you're pretty.

You can do a frigging
underwater handstand!

-Ma...
-I'm just saying,
I would vote for ya.

Hey, you know what?

I never actually graduated.

Maybe I can go back
and finish the tenth grade
just so I can vote for ya.

Oh, yeah, thanks.
I'm sure your one vote

would really just
send me over the top.

Maybe.
[ chuckles ]

I don't know. I'm just
not the type of person
that people notice, so.

Well, how are they gonna
notice ya if your nose
is always in a book?

Okay, well,
college admissions officers
will notice me, so...

[ sighs ]

Here. It's my turn
to teach you something.

If you want something,
you gotta go out
and get it.

And you can get
anything you want
if people like ya.

It's all about accentuating
what you already got.

Now, I'd like to tell you
the t*tties are coming,
but they're not.

From both sides of the family,

you come from a long line
of tit-less women.
So turn up the charm.

- Hey, handsome.
- [ Del chuckles ]

Uh, two pinas coladas, please.

Uh, make one of 'em
virgin for her,

or half-virgin.
I'm not sure.

- Ma...
- [ Donna chuckles ]

And can you just, uh,
add it to the tab
you got going from 219?

And the name?

Graciella Campos.

- Thank you, Ms. Campos.
- Donna: Thank you.

What?

It's just a teeny
tiny little lie.

The real Graciella would
dispute the charges,
victimless crime.

Okay. Well, you just
named the victim
and the crime.

Plus, you literally
just said if people like you,

you can get whatever you want.

Well, sometimes,

to get people
to like you, you gotta
not be you at all.

I gotta piss wicked.

Okay, now remember,
you're the daughter
of Graciella Campos,

we're visiting from Philly
for the medical
supply convention.

Just give 'em some details
that sound like you're the kid

of someone
that sells doctor sh*t.

Well, gee, thanks, Ma.
You're really giving me
a lot to work with here.

Will you please flirt
with that lifeguard?

-Have him rub some
of this on you, okay?
-Stop! Jesus!

[ Donna laughs ]

Hey. Hi. That's my daughter.

[ cat meowing ]

Could be a possum.

It's f*ck' meowin'.

Possums don't f*ck' meow.

All of a sudden,
you got a f*cking PhD
in possums now?

A Possum hD?
What the f*ck do you know?

It's a f*cking cat, you idiot.

Maybe we can keep 'em.
Name him Drake.

We're not keepin'
that f*ck' cat.

- [ grunting ]
- Hey! Hey!

Hey, what the f*ck
are you doing? Hey!

I'm just scaring 'em
out of the wall.
They hate this sh*t.

Bobby: You know who else
hates this f*cking sh*t? Huh?

Me. Cut it out.

I f*cking told you.
Meowing possums.

What'd I tell you
about hitting in this
household, huh?

-[ sighs ]
-Now, where's your mother
and your sister?

Your ma's not
answerin' her texts.

I don't know. Ma mentioned
something about goin' on
a girls' day or some sh*t.

She said what?
When'd she say that?

When I asked her
if I could come.

Get out.
You're k*lling me.

Carl:
Hey, how come we
never do a boys' day?

Because I can't stand
you two. f*ck!

- What the f*ck is your deal?
- I got you good.

I have told you...

- Take it, take it...
- We got the cat. Boom!

[ soft music playing ]

[ sniffles ]

[ cell phone buzzing ]

[ cell phone continues buzzing ]

Excuse me.

Can I ask who it was
you were staying with again?

Uh, I'm, uh...

[ stuttering ]
Graciella's kid.

Um, Campos.

We're here with the, um,
the medical supply convention.

Well, you know, she is.
My mom.

She's a doctor.
You know,

heart monitors.

And, uh, she's my mom.

Hey.

What the hell's
going on over here?

Someone's been charging items
to Graciella Campos' account

without Graciella's permission.

Yeah?
Well, I'm Graciella.

And did you get
to the bottom of the
particular situation?

I'm terribly sorry, ma'am.

Perhaps there was
a mix-up at the register.

Uh, I'm sorry,
There's no mix-up.

I'm Graciella Campos.

And that must be the other
bathing suit that was
charged to my room.

Where'd you get
the bathing suit, miss?

Oh, I got this at, um...

Uh...

She's speechless.
As am I.

I mean,
this is a g*dd*mn outrage.

I don't know who this hag is,

this swindler,
but I'm Graciella Campos.

Oh! Okay, okay,
is this for real?

If she's the real
Graciella, then prove it.
You got ID on you?

-I'm wearing
a friggin' tankini!
-Oh, yeah?

Well, I do.

You m*therf*cker!

That's Mrs. Campos
to you, b*tch!

All right. We wanna do
everything we can to avoid
causing a scene here.

Oh, you do not wanna
f*ck with me!

I will sully the name
Courtyard Park Hotel
on TripAdvisor.

They'll be callin' it
Prisonyard Park Hotel!

Uh, you will hear
from my f*cking lawyer.

I will Erin Brockovich
this b*tch.

- Mrs. Campos: Oh!
- Luke: Hey!

That's my f*cking purse!

Luke: Hey!

No running!

Donna:
That lifeguard noticed ya!
Del: Yeah, I bet he did.

Oh.

Thanks!

[ Donna laughing ]

[ Donna speaking indistinctly ]

[ Donna laughs ]

Dang!

-Graciella is quite
the party girl.
-Oh, God!

Kinda like this b*tch now, huh?

Hmm.

What is it, kid?

I feel bad.

You feel bad? For what?

'Cause I messed up.
Completely forgot
the lie.

- I f*cking panicked.
- Hey! Hey...

Don't you ever apologize
for bein' better than me.

Ever.

You hear me?

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- [ chuckles softly ]

Hey, I saw a sign
at the hotel that said,
"Murphy Family Reunion."

Maybe go back tomorrow
and be Murphys.

I don't think
we can go back to the
Courtyard Park Hotel

for a very long time.
Probably ever.

f*ck the Courtyard Park Hotel.
DoubleTree's got free cookies.

I hate those cookies.

Yeah. So does my a*s,
but that don't stop me.
Get that, will you?

Hey, don't tell
your father you drove.

Hey. Where the f*ck
were you two, huh?

-At the library.
-Bobby: At the library?
Really?

Come here. [ sniffs ]

Ah, your breath
don't smell like books.

Well? Where?

Courtyard Park Hotel.

What? Again with
the pool-hoppin' sh*t,
Donna? Come on!

Hey, build me a pool,
and I don't have to drive
to the west side to find one.

You're in construction
for Christ's sake.

Just build a hole
in the ground
and fill it with a hose.

-I'm gonna dig
a hole back there, right?
-Yeah.

-And I'm gonna jump
the f*ck in, right?
-Finally!

So I don't have to deal
with you twos anymore,
all right?

- Get in there.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

-Okay, okay.
Sorry, Daddy.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Get inside, will you?
- I'm gonna wash up for supper.

Hey, what is this?
I don't remember buying
you a g*dd*mn bathin' suit.

You didn't.
Graciella did.

Wait, who the f*ck is Graciella?

She paid for your
daughter's bathin' suit,
so quit your bitchin'.

Hey. No, no. Come here.

Don't be draggin'
our daughter into
your schemin' sh*t.

-Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been a bad girl.
-Yeah.

I know, but I don't want
Delilah bein' a bad girl.

Hey, Delilah's a good kid, okay?

All right, look, baby,
one Donna's trouble enough.

-[ chuckles ]
-The world don't
need another one.

- [ growls ]
- [ laughing ]

- I got you something.
- What did you get me?

No, you didn't!
Oh, my God,
you got me clams!

-[ laughs ]
-Do they come
with the bellies?

Because I am not paying
for a box of breadcrumbs.

Oh, come on, who loves you?

You do.

- [ gasps ]
- [ exclaims ]

-Oh, you're disgusting,
you know that?
-[ laughing ]

What's that smell?

Tuna. Tryin' to get a cat
from the wall.

Supposedly a cat.

It's a f*ck' cat.
When I find it, I'm gonna
strangle this thing.

Hey! You better not be
wastin' my g*dd*mn tuna.

You f*cking open it, you eat it.

Hey! Sit down.
We're sittin' at the table
like proper people!

- God. Geez.
- Stop kidding around.

Your sister has
an announcement to make.

-I do?
-Yeah. Tell 'em
about the school thing.

Tell 'em.

I'm running for Class President.

What? No, that sh*t's
just a popularity contest.

- No.
- Yeah, so what?

What, are you popular
all of a sudden now, Dee, huh?

Not really.

She thinks she's
better than people
'cause she reads books.

You're just jealous
'cause you can't
even read.

- I can read.
- Okay, Carl,

spell "restaurant".

I'm eatin' right now.
What is this,
f*cking Harvard school?

Because you can't.

-I can. You know what
I can spell? "f*ck you!"
-Try it then.

-f*ck you!
-Hey, hey!
Shut up, already!

Hey, hey, hey.
Shut the f*ck up!

I think this
election thing
will be good for her.

You know, get her
out of her shell.

I mean,
she'd be popular.
She's just quieter.

Why does she care
if people f*cking
like her or not?

I mean, f*ck them.

If people aren't assholes
now, they're gonna
become assholes later.

Mark my f*cking words, Del.

Yeah, well, you got
a big head start.

All right, thanks for
the pep talk, everybody.
I gotta study.

Nerd!

Donna: Del!
Hey, hey, hey!
Come here!

Come here, come here.

Come on. I'll take you
to the store tomorrow

and we'll get some
poster boards and sequins

and glitter,
and Puffy paint
and all that.

You can't win
a campaign without
campaign posters, huh?

Who's gonna pay
for all this,
your friend Graciollo?

Because I ain't paying
for f*cking sh*t.

Yeah, you are.
She's gonna win this thing.
Mark my words.

Well, it's a waste of time
and it's a waste
of g*dd*mn money.

Hey, eat your
clam bellies,
you goddamned Gloomy Gus.

- [ meows ]
- I saw his head!

Donna: sh*t.
You okay?

I swear to Christ, I'm gonna
put him in the wall
with that g*dd*mn cat.

You and I are raising
a couple of f*cking
morons, you know that?

And one future
f*ck' President!

[ laughs ]

- Go study!
- Go get 'em, kid.

Would you get
your elbows off
the g*dd*mn table?

Hey, I'm f*cking fine.

It's okay, Ted.

Hey, excuse me, do you
have a minute to talk
about the blood drive?

Hey, we need volunteers
to pour the orange juice.

[ sighs ] I'm gonna punch
someone in the face
till they need a blood drive.

Chill, we'll just
go table to table.

You know, meet the people.

No, I hate the people.

Well, I need
the people to like me,

so smile for once in your life.

You're in an oddly upbeat mood.

My mom's helpin' me
run for Class President.

Damn.

Your mom? For real?

Hey, be nice.

I don't know what's
more surprising,

you putting yourself
out there like this...

[ scoffs ] Or your f*ck' mom
bein' helpful.

All right.
Give her a break.
You know she tries.

Sometimes.

- Hey.
- Natalie: Hi.

Hi, I'm Del.
This is Natalie.

This a g*y-straight
alliance thing? Or...

I hate the people.

Well, we're holdin'
a blood drive next week.

It's for our hockey team.

You know, our goalie
got hurt pretty bad.

Dude took a blade
to the jugular.

Vein just ripped open,

and blood was
spurtin' everywhere
like a f*ck' faucet.

He almost bled to death
right on the ice,

and then,
when the paramedics
finally came,

they were slippin'
and slidin'
in all this blood

and one of 'em
actually threw up.

That was a f*ck' sh*t show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but, you know,
they was able to save him,

thanks to people
chipping in and
donating their blood,

much like you guys.
So, what do you think?

What's in it for me?

Uh, the satisfaction
of helpin' others?

[ scoffs ] Do we
get out of class?

Yes.

Should've just opened with that.

Hey, uh, while I'm here,
I'm also running
for Class President,

so, you know,
maybe if you like,
you could vote for me.

I'll let you copy
my English homework.

Oh, yeah.
She's a f*ck'
English savant.

-I don't know
what that means.
-Natalie: Yeah, exactly.

But with her doing
your homework,
you won't have to, so.

Works for me.

Hey, uh, didn't you
and your dumpster-fire
of a mom

get thrown out the
Courtyard Park Hotel
the other day?

It's Oxy, right?
Not crack.

-Or is it both?
-Hey, Ugly Betty,
eat a d*ck.

[ scoffs ]
You know what?

I'm thinking' I'll run
for Class President.

Maybe my campaign
platform could be
"Crack is Whack."

Yeah, I heard Eric Powers
liked your crack.

By the way,
just because you
take it in the a*s

doesn't mean
you're still a virgin.

So, yeah.
f*ck you!

Thanks. I'm sure that'll
help me get elected.

Oh, f*ck 'em.

Hey, why do you care
what those b*tches
think, anyway?

I don't. f*ck those hoes.

I gotta go.
My ma's picking me up.

I'll see ya tomorrow.

[ tires squeal ]

Where's Ma?

She don't feel so good.

Just get in.

Come on, get in.

[ inhales deeply ]

Mmm.

Hey, Del.

This sh*t's expensive.

Yeah, well,
this sh*t's necessary.

How are people supposed
to vote for me if they
don't know who I am?

Well, I'll tell you what.
You don't need
a f*cking poster board.

All you need's
a black sharpie, right?

You want to remind
people to vote for you,

you could write your name
on the bathroom walls.

That's how I got
your mom's number.

Ma promised puffy paint.

Hey, what are you
doing'? Hmm?

I like the pink,
but I think the green
might be more gender-neutral.

Gender what?
The f*ck is
gender-neutral?

Hey, look.
Look at me.

I ain't buying you both, okay?

So just pick one,
so we could please
get the f*ck outta here.

This would have been
more fun with Ma.

Yeah, well, clearly,
your mother's not here.

I know.

Hey, kid.
What are you,
what are you...

What are you doing
all this for, huh?

- What?
- All this sh*t.

You know, this g*dd*mn
popularity contest.

Doing all this fake sh*t
for votes? Come on.

I don't know,
I like helpin' people.
That so bad?

There's a cheaper way
of helping people.

By doing nothing
and staying out
of the f*cking way.

You know, it's better
than begging for attention

from a bunch of
f*cking jack-wagons

who ain't worth
your weight in spit.

Maybe I wanna be
noticed for once.

For something good. Okay?

I notice you.
And you know, your ma,
she notices you.

Yeah, well, people don't
always say nice things
about me.

Well, not me,
but you know what I mean.

About your ma, you mean?

Go with the green.

You know, green
reminds people of money

'cause people
are f*cking greedy.

- You think?
- Yeah, no doubt.

We don't need the puffy paint.

f*ck that.
We're getting the
f*ck' puffy paint,

we're getting
the scented markers.

You and me,
we're gonna have a party.

- [ laughs ]
- Come on.

[ cart rattling ]

-[ siren wailing
in the distance]
-[ dog barking ]

- [ Bobby sighs ]
- [ cat meows ]

Bobby:
Oh, hey, hey, hey.

What the f*ck are you
two bozos doin' now?

Trying to smoke out the cat.

Smoking out the...

What are you, f*cking crazy?
You're gonna burn down
my g*dd*mn house.

Give me that.
Come on, come on.
Chop-chop.

Smoke out a cat, huh?
Stop it.

[ indistinct whispering ]

My kids...

Del, can you do me a favor?

Can you, uh, paint on this,

just, uh, so you don't make
a mess and don't f*ck up
my table, please?

Table's already f*cked up.

Yeah, 'cause,
uh, somebody...
[ whistles ]

Doesn't know how
to use a f*cking coaster.

"Coastas," he says!
All the sudden,
this guy's pushin' coastas.

Martha Stewart over here.

Come on, darling,
You can use anything
as a frigging coaster.

Here, why don't you use
one of Del's books, huh?

- Come on, now! Donna!
- sh*t!

- It's okay. It's okay.
- No, it's not!

Hey, hey, hey, relax.
I'll help her make
another one.

Do you know how much
this sh*t costs, huh?

[ sighs ] No.

No, you wouldn't,
because you didn't
show up at the craft store

like you were
supposed to, did you?

God, quit being f*cking cheap.

It's not about me
being cheap, all right?

You're a f*ck' embarrassment.

- Daddy, don't...
- No!

Your daughter here
is bustin' her a*s

tryin' to become
school president

and you're not helping her.

All of her friends snickering,

- gossiping about your...
- My what?

What are they saying'? Hmm?

I'm going' outside for a beer.

Alone.

Dad, that is a great idea.
I'm coming with you.

Hey, dummy,
what the f*ck
I just say, huh?

[ door closes ]

I didn't say nothing' about you.

You know, he's just,
he's being...

I'm sorry.

What'd I tell you about
apologizing for being
better than me?

Stop it.

He'll calm down.

He can call me
whatever he wants.

He says things,
that's what he does.

[ sighs ]

What about...

"What the Hell,
Vote for Del?"

- [ both chuckle ]
- Kinda love that.

That's 'cause it's f*ck' good.

[ laughs ]

Wow, you should've been
an artist or something.

I dabbled back in the day.

You dabbled?

- Graffiti mostly.
- [ chuckles ]

- It's perfect.
- Hmm.

All right, now let me hear
that speech of yours.

- No, it's not ready yet.
- Hey...

They're gonna
f*ck' love you, kid.

How do you know that?

Because I f*ck' love ya.

So they have
to at least like ya.

Or I'll k*ll 'em.

[ both chuckle ]

- Come on.
- Okay.

Okay. [ sighs ]

[ paper rustling ]

[ sighs ]

Good morning, Hagler.

My name's Del Luccetti
and I'm running for
Class President.

[ whooping ]

[ laughing ]

That's my daughter!
[ laughing ]

If elected, I promise
to not make any
stupid promises

that I can't keep.

Because when I decide
to do something,

I always follow through

because I like helpin' people.

So that's why we're finally
gonna wash those
rancid P.E. pinnies.

We're gonna put free tampons
in all the girls' bathrooms

and we're gonna
spackle over
that peephole

Coach Porter left in
the boys' locker room

before his
"early retirement."

Whoo!

Girl: Del's a crack baby!

[ scattered laughter ]

Uh...

[ indistinct chatter ]

Uh, listen, you can...
You can call me whatever
you want.

You don't have to like me,

but you should know
that I like you

and I wanna do good stuff.

Like this blood drive
we're having for Gordie.

Um...

So I... I hope you'll
let me help you.

So...

What the hell, Vote for Del.

Peace.

[ all cheering ]

[ indistinct chatter ]

[ sniffles ]

Luke: I liked your speech.

Oh.

I mean, they called me
a crack baby, but at least
they knew my name.

[ both chuckle ]

Um, for real, though,

Gordie is, like,
one of my best friends.

I'm on the team, too.

- Oh, no sh*t.
- Yeah.

That blood drive thing,
that's a dope idea.

Thanks for giving a sh*t
and doing something.

- Most people don't.
- Yeah. Thanks.

So your mom, she's a...
She's riot, huh?
[ chuckles ]

Yeah, yeah.
She's a maniac,
but she's pretty fun.

You should come over
to our game sometime.
You know, watch us play.

You can bring your mom.

Um, or, uh... Or no.
I mean, just you can come.

- Whatever's good.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'll come.

Okay.

I'll see you around.

Ma!

Hey. Where's Ma?
I gotta tell her something.

Ah, Delilah.

My speech, it went...
She's gotta hear this.

-Hey. Delilah, Delilah.
-One second.
I gotta go tell Ma.

Delilah, please just come here.

What's wrong?

Look, I, um...

I gotta tell you
something, okay?

But you got to...

You gotta swear to me.

You gotta promise me
that you're not gonna cry.

Okay?

Look, your, um...

Your mother,
she did something...

She did something really stupid.

And she's, uh...

Delilah, she's not...
She's not coming back.

Your ma is gone.

They said it was, uh...

They said it was
an accident. [ cries ]

[ sniffling ]

Hey, you promised me
you weren't gonna cry.

Don't cry.

I'm not gonna cry.

[ muffled laughter ]

[ both laughing ]

[ school bell rings ]

[ indistinct chatter ]

Hey. Why are you
avoiding me?

Del: I'm not.

[ stutters ]
How are you?

What do you think?

Sorry, that was a stupid
f*cking question. I...

Uh...

Hey, you know,
the election's
in two days.

Maybe I could help you
hand out buttons
or somethin'.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

You know, you wanted
everyone to like you,

so maybe people
are gonna vote for you
'cause they feel bad.

No offense, though.

Uh, you gonna do
that blood drive?

-It might be a good
distraction from the...
-Yeah.

Hey, pizza boats
at lunch! [ chuckles ]

Someone's gonna need
to be the f*cking captain
of that boat!

[ Natalie chuckles ]

[ cat meows ]

[ indistinct chatter ]

[ coughs ]

Miss, are you all right?

What's your name?

My name's Julie Campos.

I'm the daughter
of Graciella Campos.

We're here for
the Medical Supply
convention.

The convention was last week.

Del, are you gonna be all right?

[ indistinct chatter ]

Hey.

I just wanted to say
I'm sorry to hear about
what happened and everything.

It's super sad, and...

You know, I'm just
sorry and everything
for you and your family.

[ screaming ]

Del, what the f*ck
are you doing?

[ all screaming ]

Del! You're okay?

Del. Hey, what happened?

Which one of you suffered, huh?

- You take him yet?
- Of course.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Bobby: The f*ck is this?

What the f*ck?

[ TV playing indistinctly ]

[ cat purring ]

- I found the cat.
- [ meows ]

[ theme music playing ]

Del: Next on Wayne...

- Hey! Give me that back!
- [ groans ]

The f*ck? Put me down!

I'll go to f*cking school!

Boy: Hey!

Security: Stop, stop, stop!

[ on phone ] This is
Vice Principal Walt
from Alabaster High.

-Your daughter
got detention today...
-Oh... [ chuckles nervously ]

You got two options.

Come up with a speech
that inspire people
to donate to our school

or half-a*s
like you done your whole life.

I'm gonna go with B.

Wayne: I just think
if you wanna stay,
you should stay.

Del: So where the f*ck
are you going?

You're gonna have
more fun without me.

Del: So you're just gonna
f*cking leave? d*ck.