01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

It's so f*cked up, what happened.

It's so unnecessary.

I think I feel so tensely about

because I know what you missed,

and you don't.

NUCLEAR FAMILY

Episode 2

August 1991

I remember vividly. Tom and Milton

came over to my house.

Tom said "I'm serving Robin

with a lawsuit for visitation of Ry".

And I was completely shocked.

That meant he had figured it out,

he had gotten a lawyer,

he had drawn up papers.

I said that is the worst idea

I have ever heard in my life.

And I said, "Tom, do not do it".

"You will destroy this relationship

and it will never recover."

He said, "I'm her biological father.

They can't deny me visitation."

It's just so hard to fathom

that all of

- Why he did it, why he sued

- They thought they would win.

But still, why would you sue?

He didn't want to have to ask

our permission. He said that.

"I'm tired of asking your permission".

It was, like, "excuse me?

That's the deal."

He kept saying

the situation's changed.

- Did he deny the original agreement?

- No.

No. Yes, that's what we agreed,

but then it changed.

His feelings for me changed?

They liked you and wanted to plug

you into their life as they wished.

You were a great kid.

He was thinking "I've had this fight

with them, but five months ago,"

"I had a wonderful time with Ry,

everything was perfect."

"Two weeks from now,

I'll see her again, and we'll resume."

I said "I don't care what the law says,

Russo will never allow this."

"Even if you win legally,

you will never win this."

"I'll see it on TV.

She'll be up in the loft"

"with a shotgun aimed

at the marshals"

"who are coming to pick up Ry.

That's what's gonna happen."

"I don't think

you'll ever see her again."

"But you will never have

what you had if you do this."

You're looking at the Manhattan

family court,

where the famous Salt case

was decided back in 1975.

Until then, judges routinely decided

in favor of mothers

if they were believed

to be the more fit parent.

Now judges review relative fitness

in order to make their decision.

So, if a father is not deemed unfit,

he may win, and the mother may lose

even though she's been the primary

caretaker of the children.

Harriet Cohen,

president of the New York City chapter

of the State Women's Bar Association,

says a mother's good track record

may not help.

Father perhaps has more money.

Or more intellectual stimulation

Even though I was a lawyer,

I didn't know anyone in family law,

but someone recommended Harrie

Cohen, and I called Harriet Cohen.

- And she told us what to bring.

- Photographs, any checks.

It was, like, a Friday night.

We went up to their office.

They said, "Tell us your story."

And it was a lot like this.

We just went through our story.

My associate, Peter Bienstock

was there.

And we met two marvelous women

who were life partners.

Single sex marriage was ill*gal

in New York or anywhere then.

People were just beginning

to wrap their heads around the fact

that same sex partners

have committed lives together.

So, it was unheard of

for a family like yours

to be fighting a paternity lawsuit.

It was a very difficult legal landscape

for a case like this.

Custody is a tough enough issue

in heterosexual families.

l*sbian custody rights. That's

the focus of this special edition.

The legal system didn't contemplate

the existence of two mothers

or two fathers or many of the family

versions that now exist in the US.

The courts and society

has taken a very protective role

of preserving the heterosexual

nuclear family.

Did you lose custody

simply because you were a l*sbian?

The first cases we saw in the courts

about l*sbian mothers

were women who had been

in heterosexual marriages

coming out as l*sbian

and fighting for custody of their kids.

And in many instances, they lost.

MaryJo Wisher wept uncontrollably.

The jury had decided

that her nine-year-old son should

live with his father instead of her.

- Is this the end of it?

- No comment.

We're in the home of Carol Parrot

in Sonoma County.

The judge told me he won't allow me

to have my children

unless I change my ways.

Then in the late 1970s,

we started to see l*sbian couples

having children.

Because at the time, two women

could not adopt a child,

the biological mother would

obviously be considered the mother,

but the partner would not be

considered a parent.

That could lead

to numerous problems.

When we went to court

to have a hearing,

the judge said

there can't be two mothers.

The l*sbian mother constantly fears

she's going to lose her children.

- We fought two and a half years.

- A h*m* home damages the child.

- What's the children's best interest?

- It affects children's environment.

They would not be granted custody

of their own children.

Do you think having a g*y mother

will affect justice?

What is normal is for a man

to live with a woman

and for children to know

both their biological parents.

This is 1991, which doesn't seem

like so long ago,

but in terms of LGBTQ rights,

it was centuries ago.

So your moms were terrified

by the lawsuit.

My name is Ellen Gesmer. I was

Tom's first lawyer in this proceeding.

I'm now an appellate judge

in New York State.

The first time I met with Tom,

I was very impressed with him.

I liked him a lot.

He was very smart, personable

and easy to talk to.

And he was in great pain because

of not being able to see you.

And so he wanted to figure out a way

to reestablish that relationship.

PETITION FOR PATERNITY

AND VISITATION

It was really horrible,

and I was young.

It was jarring, confusing,

scary and sad.

STINSON BEACH

MARCH 1986

That's Ry, with the brown hair,

and Cade there with the blue shirt.

It's hard, because I had fond

memories of being a little kid,

like going to the beach with him,

going on vacations.

He would come to New York

sometimes and stay.

Take me out to fancy restaurants,

buy me nice dresses, stuff like that.

And then it's this weird

contradiction.

'Cause I was also very angry at him

because of the whole lawsuit.

And I was, like, do I love him?

I mean, I care about him. I guess

I love him as a friend,

but it's not the way I love

my parents. He's not my parent.

I wanted to have everyone know that

and realize that it would be

like, twisting the family into

some horrible, disgusting knot,

by adding him.

Tom demanded summer visitation.

Immediate visitation before Labor Day.

Labor Day you were gonna go

back to school.

On his end, there was a huge urgency.

We must take this to court now,

and the court must tell these women

it's over.

Your joyride is over.

Now I have rights.

So we had to find a way

to slow the thing down.

What surprised me was that they denied

you were born

as a result of Robin's insemination

with Tom's sperm.

I heard from Tom

they were denying paternity

and that they were taking you

to get a DNA test.

I remember calling Russo and Robin

and saying, "What are you doing?"

"You are taking a 10-year-old

to get a needle in her arm"

"to prove what you already know?"

And Russo said "Nobody knows

what we know. Maybe he's not."

"This is gonna put it off for months."

When you're fighting in a litigation,

you want to use everything you have.

How easy it would be if it turned out

that the sperm was not Tom's?

- The sailor.

- The sailor.

Maybe it was the sailor.

On the night of the insemination,

Tom came to the house

with this handsome, strapping guy

wearing a sailor shirt.

And they went into a bedroom

to create the sperm

and then came down with the "gift".

There was always some question

of whose sperm did I get?

It was highlighted by the fact

that Tom was tall and willowy.

This guy was a hunk.

And you were, as a kid,

sort of a hunk.

You were like a big, beefy girl.

- But I'm Tom's biological daughter.

- Yes.

But why would we admit yes,

he's definitely the biological father

when we had a little whisp

of uncertainty ourselves?

You'll do anything to save your kids,

to stop a threat like that.

You'll lie, you'll cheat, you'll steal,

if you have to, and this was

Mother lioness protecting cubs.

That's the mode we were now in.

A lawsuit like this,

there are inspections of homes,

so I said to your moms

"I need to see your house

before anybody else."

Harriet walked in the door. She was

opening drawers and walking around.

She was really going through it

as if she was a social worker.

She was in the back room at one point,

opened the door to the closet

And it was raincoat.

We said, Tom left this here.

She handed it to Russo

and said, "Throw it out."

Get rid of it.

I looked around.

I saw pictures of the family

along with the sperm donors,

and I said, "Get those pictures

off the wall."

So, we kind of staged the house.

We needed all the help we could get.

We were very worried

that unless everything was perfect,

we were gonna lose.

And the next person who came

into our house was Bonnie.

- And she looked around too.

- Right.

And we held our breath.

I'm Bonnie Rabin. I'm an attorney.

I was assigned by the court

to represent you.

Back then, we were called law

guardians, and we represented kids.

What kind of cases did you get?

What does "representing kids" mean?

I was representing subjects

of abuse and neglect proceedings,

adoption proceedings,

termination of parental rights,

custody cases, paternity cases,

anything that had to do with a child

as a subject. I'd represent the child.

- What did you think of Bonnie?

- We didn't know anything about her.

In fact, I mad some phone calls to

- Who is she?

- Who is she?

We had no idea what side she was on

or if she was on a side.

I met Bonnie when she was assigned.

She looked at me, and she said,

"I don't want you talking

to my client."

That's right. Because I didn't know

where your head was at all.

Maybe you were pining for him.

I didn't know that.

I didn't want you pressured like that

or questioned by another lawyer

when you now had an attorney

of your own.

The first meeting was just

the two of us,

and you knew you were the focus.

And it was hard.

I had this burden on me because it was

all whatever the child wants.

Whatever's best for the child.

And I knew that.

And I knew I was the child.

And I knew clearly that my family

was my mothers and my sister.

When you read custody statutes,

they talk about the best interest

of the child.

But you can't pretend that parents

don't have rights

or adults don't have rights. They do.

And so it's always kind of subjective.

The standard in litigating is supposed

to be the best interest of the child.

My view is that a trial about the child

is never in the child's best interest.

Almost any settlement is better

than litigating it in a courtroom.

Did you recommend

that Robin and Russo settle?

Did I recommend?

No, I tried to settle them.

I made a number of telephone calls.

I wanted to stop it. For you.

And I wanted to think about you

at nine,

at 12,

at 15, at 25,

and, you know, at 40.

I wasn't just dealing with you

right then in that moment.

I knew that whatever we did,

was for a really long time.

There always is a moment it seems

in every case

when the lawyers can contemplate

compromise.

Peter and Harriet were leaning on us

that we were gonna lose the lawsuit,

there was no predecent for us to win.

There was precedent for us to lose,

and that we had to settle.

We came up with some suggestions

for how you'd spent time with him

for the next couple of years.

- And we kept saying okay.

- Maybe.

I think everybody has this fantasy

that it can work out,

you know,

why do they have to be rules or

But my phone calls went nowhere.

And Tom started taking

a very hard line.

He wanted us to accept he'd get

an order of filiation,

meaning he'd be declared

your legal father.

And that was an absolute no for us.

Why?

Because once you're a legal father,

you have all kinds of rights

to petition the court for custody

and try to expand your rights,

change what you want.

You can delve into all these different

areas of the child's life.

- I don't want her going to that school.

- Right.

I don't want her seeing

that orthodontist. It's huge.

He was asked, "Will you ask

for custody? He said, "It depends."

That's terrifying.

So, we had to fight paternity,

or we'd risk losing you.

Your moms were saying

they wanted to be able

to protect the integrity

of your family.

And the wall was very black

and white.

You either were a parent,

or you weren't a parent.

If you are, you have all the rights

and responsibilities of a parent.

If you're not a parent,

you are a legal stranger.

I called Cris, and I said,

"You could exert moral influence

on Tom if you wanted to."

She said "I don't want to.

I care for you both."

I said, "I think

you should settle this lawsuit."

It was clear they thought

I was on Tom's side. But I wasn't.

I was, in the sense that I thought

you should continue your relationship,

I didn't think he should bring

that lawsuit.

I remember we were in the country house

in our bed.

You were talking to her.

I could mostly just hear your end,

and I was going like this to you.

Say cut it, 'cause I could hear.

She was in his camp, it was over.

You can't talk to this woman anymore.

Don't give her any information.

We're in litigation, shut the f*ck up.

People were either with us, or not.

There was no room for ambiguity.

We couldn't tolerate it emotionally,

never mind it legally.

Harriet said,

"She's not your friend."

So, that was that.

And they never talked to me again.

I was furious and I had no respect

for her, and it was over,

but it was still a loss

of a very important friend.

But I finally said to our lawyers,

I want my kids to know

I fought for them.

I didn't just lie down and agree.

In the end, I want them to know,

even if we lose,

how much we fought.

The trial began in March.

Our basic argument was Tom

was the biological father

and that more importantly, with your

moms' encouragement and consent,

he had developed a very special

relationship with you

that deserved protection

and fostering. And therefore,

the court should acknowledge

he was the father

and consider some form of visitation.

But he could only be defined

as a parent if Russo wasn't.

So they made the distinction

between Russo and Robin as parents,

where Robin was an actual parent

because she gave birth to you,

and he was an actual parent because

he had contributed genetic material.

And because this was

in family court,

he sought to keep Russo

out of the courtroom.

Tom's side took the position that

Russo was not a party to the lawsuit.

So, Russo spent every day of the trial

sitting outside the courtroom.

Russo is formidable,

but she is not tall.

There was a glass window

into the courtroom.

Russo found a little stool,

so that she could stand on it

and look into the courtroom.

They had put paper or something

over the window,

but there was still a little place

she could try to peek in and see.

That was outrageous.

It's all about her life, her family

and her children.

They're all being threatened

by this guy.

And she's out there by herself.

It was really, really painful.

When Tom took the stand, it was

the testimony of a divorced father.

That's what he was gunning for.

I'm the father, Robin's the mother,

and we have this child together.

Now Robin is being very difficult

and won't give me access to the child.

So, I have to sue.

The law that he was steeling with

in that case

was way too narrow

and really didn't allow

for a nuanced position

that I think Tom wanted.

Which was to have some connection,

some right to a connection.

But the law didn't allow for that kind

of emotional argument.

So, Tom took on a lawsuit,

knowing the law he was going to have

to use was an abomination.

He knew the law he'd have to argue

wasn't law that he agreed with,

but I think he felt he had no choice.

He had a psychiatrist testify,

who said Robin and I suffered

from l*sbian fusion.

l*sbian fusion,

which is this out-there theory.

That lesbians can be much closer

and intimate with each other than men

because they're women.

That women have a greater capacity

for intimacy.

So, if you put two women together

It's not good. They become fused.

Fused!

- They become fused, and they start

- Like they're becoming one unit.

- They think the same.

- And they don't let anybody else in.

And you know what?

You and Cade have it too!

"Is it your view the fusion process

would also include the child?"

"Yes. They all become peers."

And we hate men.

Yeah. We're man-haters.

And here we are now giving it

to the kids.

The psychiatrist went on about

every girl needs a dad kind of thing.

And the dangers of growin up

as an illegitimate child.

They used the old models that were

so destructive to women for many years

in all those other l*sbian cases.

What is normal is for a man

to live with a woman

Tom's lawyers leaned on the old

Heterosexual, anti-g*y models.

What an atrocious attack

on your l*sbian family.

I don't really know what to say

about the trial,

but it was the most terrifying thing

I have ever had to go through,

and hopefully will ever have

to go through.

It was horrendous.

It was like a big nightmare.

Tom used to call my house

all the time and hang up.

It was very strange and scary.

If you pick up the phone,

you wouldn't hear anything,

and then you'd hear the click.

And we knew it was him.

It was so bad we got a second phone

number for you and Cade to use.

I first thought he hoped you'd answer

the phone, and he could then

But it became clear it was harassment.

He wanted to know where everybody was.

I was worried that when I was

walking with my friends to school,

he'd and try and talk to me,

tell me how much he loved me

and be on his knees and all that.

We were concerned.

He seemed to have little connection

with the person we had known.

We notified the school not to ever

let the children go with anyone.

The school had his picture.

Security at school had his picture.

That was passed around.

We just didn't want to be stupid.

It was such a hard time.

It was living in fear that

at any moment

A judge could play god.

I remember,

because I bore witness to it,

explaining to people that Tom had

gotten into this relationship with you

on an invitation. And that he had

walked through that door

with his heart in his hand.

And that the terms of engagement

then were changed on him.

He told me

he didn't want to be erased.

And being cut off from you,

to him, felt like an erasure.

The courts had honored biology

throughout the years.

This idea that biology was destiny,

and that those who had a biological

relationship had greater rights.

And so our argument in court

was the deal was the deal.

A sperm donor is not a father.

A father is different.

- It's my hammer.

- Do you like it?

I always have.

Nothing is gonna break up this team.

A father is involved in a child's life.

- I'll move back in.

- I love you, angel.

A father is a person who provides

financial and other support.

I can tell you what to do.

That's my job. Now go upstairs.

A father is a decision maker

- Got to give him somebody else.

- Can I bring Billy?

And Tom was never supposed

to be a father.

A father was the furthest thing

from what your moms wanted.

He latched onto the idea

of being a father.

Was there a possibility

of a relationship? Maybe.

But because Tom Steele insisted

on having the role of father,

there could be no compromise.

The kids were so terrified.

We tried to protect them from it,

but they were ordered by the court

to see a court appointed psychiatrist.

We said to our attorneys

we're not gonna let them go to see

the court appointed shrink.

It's too harmful to them.

They're too upset by it.

And they said, "You have to.

Or you're gonna lose."

Now, someone was going to be

appointed by the court

who was going to delve

into your family.

You don't know anything about

their biases, or their own histories.

And he's going to have an opinion.

Dr. Miles Schneider.

He would sit there

with his huge yellow legal pad.

He'd ask you questions, you'd talk,

and he'd be taking notes.

He'd ask me questions about my life

with my family, my home life,

and my relationship with Tom,

with Jack and with my sister.

One of the scariest questions

he ever asked me was

What if policemen

knocked down the door

and took you away to go live

with Tom? What would you do?

That was my greatest fear.

I really thought that would happen.

That I would be forced

to go live with Tom.

And I felt like my life as I knew it

would be ending.

I'd begun to refer to him

as the evil one.

It felt like he was destroying

my family.

I was having trouble falling asleep.

So, Russo would sing to me at bedtime,

and rub my back like when I was little.

She'd sing me "Stewball",

a song about a racehorse

nobody bets on.

But the horse ends up winning

in the end.

I always thought the song was from

Russo's life before she had a family.

It reminded me of all her struggles

throughout the years.

The song felt like part of a lineage

that came well before me.

And at the time, it made me feel

like we could all get through it,

just as Russo had.

Tom called me and said he wanted

me to testify, and I said "No."

But he subpoenaed me.

Then I just tried to be clipped,

in the testimony.

I was truthful, of course,

but I didn't elaborate.

She had firsthand knowledge,

so she was a strong witness for him,

and I think she emphasized

the closeness

that Robin and Russo had allowed

Tom to have with you

and deemphasized

all of the boundaries to that.

I didn't want to really go

against Russo and Robin,

but I'm the one who found the idea,

I found the donors,

I talked to them, I brought them in

And we all felt like we were making

a new and different kind of family

and it was really working.

We talked about it.

A new kind of family.

That we had to think about family

in a different way.

THE WITNESS: Jacob Estes

Jacob was an amazing witness.

He clearly had no axe to grind.

He was just honest and delightful

in describing your relationship with Tom,

and Cade's relationship with Tom.

I said I considered Tom

to be my father,

and I considered Ry

to be his daughter.

And therefore if you're asking me

do I think Ry is my sister,

then the answer's yes.

Then when he was cross examined,

Harriet, our lawyer, asked him

all kinds of questions.

Did he know your birthdays?

Had you ever sent a birthday card?

Had he ever called either of you?

The answer was no.

What came out was that yeah,

he'd met you guys three times.

And you'd all had fun together.

No one disputed that.

But he was not a brother,

and it was not a family relationship.

Do you remember

how many times I saw Jacob?

He described it as pretty often,

but I don't have a clear sense.

- It was three.

- It was only three times?

- Three times in my entire life.

- But he remembered it lovingly.

And more than anything else,

during the trial,

it was probably the best description

of Tom being a parent to you.

Nobody in the l*sbian and g*y

legal organizations

believed that a family had to consist

of two parents and nobody else,

because by definition, some contribution

from another human being

was needed for a same sex couple

to have a child together.

And I think many people felt

there was always the possibility

for something more expansive

than a two parent family.

There was this weird notion

that if it's a g*y family,

it had no boundaries.

The whole community should

be part of raising the child

because it was a l*sbian family,

so somehow it wasn't as worthy

of those chosen boundaries.

Once we involved people

like Cris and Tom,

they decided somehow

that we're creating a new reality,

new family dynamics and structures,

and isn't it exciting to the lesbia

and g*y community?

But that was not our view.

That's not what we wanted.

We wanted a family, children,

that we would love and care for.

We were a nuclear family.

It was always what we wanted.

That was what we had agreed to

with Tom. And it all made sense.

We were creating this family,

and everyone had lived by it.

Until suddenly, nine years later,

he's suing us.

That trial was brutal on your family.

It was all encompassing

while you were two young kids

just trying to go to school.

And so much of it

was focused on you.

But while all that attention

was being paid to you,

none of us paid enough attention

to what it was doing to Cade.

This is the part where I'll cry.

Cade was also a little girl.

And fighting for her family,

and seeing her family be tortured

in this way about you.

She wasn't part of that fight.

Tom didn't really recognize her

as a legitimate member

of whatever he was calling family.

Tom was suing for Ry.

But also in suing for Ry,

and in trying to prove

that he had this unbreakable bond

with her,

he had to disprove that he had

a relationship with me.

There was a photograph that Janice,

his secretary, had taken,

of you guys both with him.

And we had seen the photograph.

He introduced this photograph

into evidence.

It was the photograph, except Cade

was somehow cropped out of it.

So, it could look like he had

this relationship with Ry

and didn't have one with me.

It was so betraying

that he didn't understand

that we come as a unit.

We had to over and over again

in many different ways explain

why our family was a family.

Cade had some quote

with the shrink.

He was asking about her family

and she said we're like a house

on the water with four stilts.

And if you took a piece of it away

the house would fall.

Each of us is a necessary piece.

And Tom was trying to create a myth.

Tom felt he had a relationship with you

and he knew that because he lived it.

And you didn't remember your real

relationship with him anymore.

He thought if he saw you again,

he could recapture that.

Tom was pushing to have a meeting

with you.

Our lawyers fought it,

'cause we didn't want it.

We thought it would be

really hard on you.

He and his lawyers pushed,

and then finally the judge ordered it.

It was just awful.

So, we all went to the courthouse.

We were there with you.

And then Bonnie came.

Bonnie said "Okay, we got to go."

We gave you a kiss and a hug

and told you to do whatever

you wanted. You were your own person.

And then Bonnie took over.

By that point Bonnie felt safe to me.

I felt she was an adult

that I could trust.

It's one thing

when you have a divorcing couple.

This was different.

This was about being asked about

what your family constellation is.

How you view this person

in your life.

It's a lot to put on a child.

I remember coming with Bonnie

and walking into a little shitty room

with the court psychiatrist there.

Just him and me.

And Tom walks in and sits down.

I won't look at him.

I'm turned like this.

I refuse to look at him.

'Cause I don't want to let him in.

Then I remember he said "I want you

to come to California with me."

"I want to see more of you."

"Do you remember all the good times

when we used to play together?"

And I felt very tense and very tight.

And then I remember

he called me sweetie,

and I said, "My name's not Sweetie."

And then I said, "Bug off."

And I left.

And that was it.

Yeah.

His lawyer after that wrote to the judge

saying that we want another meeting,

this was a total setup.

Ry is a very nice child. No child who

behaves well would walk out like that.

Tom's side attributed your personality

to brainwashing.

In every case when a child speaks up,

and one side doesn't like

what the child says,

that side generally says

this child has been brainwashed.

That was their argument.

I'm not saying it was intentional.

Nobody was acting in bad faith.

But alienating behavior is often

not intentional

and is often done all in good faith.

But it may have had that effect on you

of making you feel

that the only way you could be safe

was to get angry with Tom.

- Did he argue I was brainwashed?

- Yes.

He'd say you wanted to be with him,

you enjoyed being with him,

that you did things with him.

That you were happy to be with him,

and now you weren't happy.

He didn't understand the reason

you weren't happy with him

was because of what he was doing

to you. He didn't understand that.

He was angry with your moms

In some ways I thought he was

unable to have empathy for you.

I don't think Tom grasped

the core of who you are.

Your sense of self.

You were really very brave

and strong.

You were resolute.

And then we just kept waiting

for the judge's decision.

I remember

I was in the eighth grade.

Robin picked us up from school.

We drove home.

I was in my room.

Russo called the house

and Robin picked up,

and Robin said

"Guys, pick up the phone."

I picked up the phone,

but you were in the bathroom.

I said "Ry can't pick up the phone

right now. What is it?"

And Russo just said,

"You guys, we won."

I went running

to find you in the bathroom.

I gave you a big hug on the toilet

and I said we won.

It is a precent setting ruling

because in many similar cases,

sperm donors have won

on the basis of biological ties.

But in this case, the judge was swayed

by Ry's strong feelings

about her mothers.

I feel great. I love it.

They're happy because judge Edward

Kaufmann has just ruled

that 11 year old Ry's biological father

has no parental rights to the girl.

This is the family.

Robin and I and our two children.

And that's all our family.

"Court Reject Sperm Donor

in a Bid for Parental Rights"

Biology is not a control.

Biology is not destiny.

Some judges are very cautious.

But Judge Kaufmann was brave,

and he wanted what was best

for you and your family.

The court got it completely.

The decision was based on

the reality of what your family was.

How they functioned,

who raised you, who fed you,

who diapered you

The decision was great.

The court saw your family

from your point of view.

And that was extraordinary,

because the argument that a child

needs a mother and a father

was so pervasive that the judge's

willingness to say

"Actually,

this child doesn't need a father."

"This child is just fine with her family

of two mothers and her sister",

was really an extraordinary validation

of your family,

and by extension, of the families

other lesbians were forming.

I felt devastated

that I lost this friend.

These two friends,

but especially Russo.

But I also felt like you had a really

important relationship with Tom.

You don't want to call it

a parental relationship.

I don't need to

characterize it that way.

But you loved him, and he loved you.

And you had this much time left

to be with him.

Maybe you could talk a little bit about

what it's been like to be HIV positive.

It's been very hard.

It's been particularly hard

because I feel like my time is limited,

and I'm afraid that I'll never be

able to develop a relationship,

or to reestablish a relationship

with Ry.

And that's one

of the most painful things

about the shortness of time

that I fear is left.