[crickets]
[nostalgic music]
Let's dance in style,
let's dance for a while.
Heaven can wait, we're
only watching the skies.
Hoping for the best but
expecting the worst.
Are you gonna drop
the b*mb or not?
Let us die young or
let us live forever.
We don't have the
power but we never say never.
Sitting in a sandpit,
life is a short trip.
The music's for the sad man.
Can you imagine
when the space is one?
Dulled and faceless
into the sun.
Raising our leaders, engaging in
tune.
The music's played by the mad
man.
Forever young, I want to be
forever young.
Do you really want to
live forever, forever young?
[music fades out]
[car door opens]
[police radio chatter]
Simon Benson, 16, from Syracuse.
You're American?
What are you doing up here
in Canada?
Where's your parents?
Hey, I asked you something.
[clears throat]
It all started three days ago.
School just broke for
summer and...
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait.
Are you trying to narrate
right now?
No good?
Well, it's clichd,
first of all.
And second, I don't think
you have the voice for it.
Well, I only got here
last summer, so...
Just answer the f*cking
question, kid.
It's more of a confession.
As I was saying, school
just broke for summer.
And for me, it comes
with one of my dad's...
rituals.
Please help Simon to
open his heart.
We pray for the guidance
of the Holy
Ghost as we seek to understand
and overcome
the challenges that Simon
is having in his life.
In Jesus Christ's name, we pray.
Amen.
Amen.
Simon, would you care to
discuss the cigarettes
your brother found in your room?
Why was he in my room in
the first place?
Simon!
It's all right.
It's okay.
Simon, we meet at the end of
every school year
for good reason.
For very good reason, clearly.
You just graduated your
junior year.
One more year till
you're out in the real world.
Now, I have a very good
understanding of the
kind of temptation that
children your age face.
Rock music, explicit movies...
video game controllers...
So, other than the cigarettes,
any other potential
sins to confess?
Nothing that would make
you unworthy?
Are you Catholic?
Mormon.
Mormon?
I thought they were all
down in Utah.
They are.
It started south of here.
Since when? Where?
Palmyra.
Okay, and where's that?
South of here.
Kid, your narration leaves
much to be desired.
I'm building a world for you.
Okay, so in what world
does a smart-a*s
Mormon from Syracuse
end up in the
back of my f*ck' squad car?
Since there aren't a ton
of Mormons in
Syracuse, my life is very...
inconvenient compared
to my friends.
My parents only go to
church events.
Hate everything else, so...
I enrolled myself in every
sport and activity I could.
In eight years, they
never once came to a game.
It was terrific.
Seems like a d*ck move.
Yeah, they can be.
I meant you.
Lying to your parents?
Isn't that, like, one
of the main sins?
The thou shalt not lie one?
You drink coffee?
Yeah.
What if I told you
your soul was going to hell?
For sipping a cup of coffee.
Simon!
My dear!
Mrs. K?
Come in.
Come in!
Come in!
Everybody, this is Simon!
Simon!
Everybody!
Hi.
Do you want to partake
in our little
m*rder mystery party?
Uh...
It's the opposite of my house.
Tim's parents always threw these
extravagant parties.
Then his dad split
with a 20-year-old.
His mom pretends like
nothing happened.
Mom!
Mom!
Leave him alone!
Why would I leave him alone?
Don't you want to find
out who k*lled
Tim Curry?
No, we don't want to
play stupid games.
Oh, right, we're playing
stupid games, but you're
the one dressed like
it's Halloween.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, Mrs. K.
Bye, Simon.
Got my sticks?
No.
My brother found them and
told my parents.
Dude get the f*ck out of here.
Well, why couldn't you
just kept them here
like I asked you?
Because my mom keeps lecturing
me about cancer and sh*t.
You're not grounded or
anything, though, right?
I think I'm good.
I just have to spend
some summer with
my bishop now, so thank
you for that.
Camping this weekend still
a go, though?
We're a go.
She'll think that she drank it.
[80's upbeat music]
This is Chris.
I knew him from the
football team.
He's the kind of guy
you always want
around, just never
around your parents.
I met James on the
polo team, where
he would not stop
talking to me about movies.
John, like Tim, didn't
play any sports, but
he was always a good time.
And the girls.
This is why we had Chris.
What's up, boys?
Tim, Simon.
Meet Shelly and Ann.
Happy end of the school year.
All right, that's cool.
Timothy?
Only if I may partake.
Of course.
[80's upbeat music]
See, to the Mormon
church, one sin is
the same as a thousand,
so if I
already ruined my
soul with a sip of
coffee, a puff of a cigarette,
music they didn't approve
of, then why not just
do all the things?
No, but I'm telling you,
his movies are full of sh*t.
Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink,
it's not our f*cking team's.
They ain't no black dudes
in John Hughes' movies.
No sh*t, it ain't your team's.
Okay, okay, aside from that.
You guys are missing the point.
That's not the point.
The point is, they're about,
uh, the optimism of youth.
Did you say optimism of youth?
What does that even mean?
Okay, but what about Fast
Times at Ridgemont High?
Jobs, cliques,
f*cking ab*rtion?
They were surfing
during Christmas.
And you're just a movie snob.
And you just don't
watch enough of them.
Take Ferris Bueller.
A kid skipping class
his senior year.
Pretty relatable, right?
The dude hacks into school
computers, changing his
grades, steals his best friend's
Ferrari, hijacks a parade,
gets the whole town
singing, trashes the
f*cking Ferrari, which Cameron's
dad probably k*lled both
of them for afterwards,
by the way.
And what did he learn?
Not that, oh, wow, maybe
I need to
consider my friends, my family,
or my actions.
Not that, I need
to work hard for
my dreams to come true.
No, he literally learns
he can do whatever
he wants, be a smartass,
and things will
magically work out.
That's not optimism,
that's ignorance.
Wow.
Yeah, I didn't think
of it like that.
I mean, Ferris is a total d*ck.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't let him ruin it.
Don't let him do it.
So you think he represents
your life?
It's not supposed to be my life.
It's the, wouldn't it
be cool if this
was my life?
Because your movie life would
be depressing as sh*t.
No offense.
No offense.
What, why depressing?
Parents are Mormons.
Sin, repent, rinse and
repeat, right?
Only a year left.
Then what?
New York, L.A., I don't know.
Well, what's there?
No Mormons.
Okay, but like, what
do you want to be?
Like an actor or something?
He likes music.
You play?
No, for us he doesn't.
Too scared.
He's very precious.
Aw.
Hey, speaking of L.A.
and music, have
I ever told you guys
about the time
my parents saw Jim Morrison's
d*ck on stage?
Dude, that's not true.
So untrue.
It's not true.
It's completely true.
I'll call my mom.
Okay, go ahead.
Mormon turned rock star.
Not exactly how it
turned out, is it?
You get the girl at least?
[80's pop music]
So uh, like, being a Mormon, you
aren't supposed
to be doing like any
of this, right?
Correct.
And you get, like, what, 50
wives?
We are not all polygamists.
Oh.
My parents aren't.
And what would they
say if they knew you were here?
They'd do all this.
When I was little, the church
still prohibited
black men from being priests.
I had this friend in
elementary school who
was half Jamaican,
and I would go to
his place and listen
to all the music
my parents would never let me
listen to, like Bob Marley.
I got to hear him
sing about peace
and love and revolution.
It was all the stuff my
church was supposedly preaching.
And I just...
I mean, how could I take
that seriously?
[thunder rumbles]
Ugh.
Looks like the big guy
heard you talking some sh*t.
Yeah, I'm told he can be a
tad spiteful sometimes.
I better get going, like,
before it gets too much.
Yeah, yeah, same.
What time is it?
Uh, 9:50.
Where's my bag?
What the hell?
No!
No!
You're late.
Sorry, sorry.
Where were you?
Um, some of the guys wanted
to hang out after practice.
What is this?
What are you wearing?
What are you wearing?
My gym bag got stolen.
Yeah, okay.
Your gym bag got stolen.
Where did these clothes
come from?
They're lost and found.
What lost and found?
At the gym.
Simon.
Did you take something?
No.
What is that smell?
No.
No.
I can smell it!
What did you take?
Are you alright?
What is this?
Come to the kitchen right now.
No.
Simon!
Get out of my way.
Do not walk away from me.
Do you understand, young man?
You stop right there.
You stop.
Simon!
Simon!
Simon!
Hey!
What did you take?
Why do you have a key?
What did you take?
Get out of my room!
This is my room!
No, no.
I paid the mortgage.
You don't.
This is my room.
So you're normally a
sh*t disturber then?
You mean being a teenager?
Look, I reckon most teenagers
don't end up
where you're sitting, kiddo.
Simon.
We think it would be
best if you
accompanied your father on his
church group to
Washington.
I have plans tomorrow.
Well, I guess he'll have
to miss his little camping trip.
I don't know what to
tell you guys. I can't go now.
What?
No, that f*cking sucks.
You guys should have
kept a better eye on me.
What was in that pot?
We're not your babysitters.
You can also find
out by going to
the park and smoking
a little more of it right now.
Please put that away.
Please.
Oh, hey, how'd it go
with Shelly last night?
Did you get something?
No, we just talked.
You know what me and Ann
did?
No.
Let's say it.
No.
No way.
And she threw up everywhere?
In the ring.
Absolutely.
And with a mouth full of metal?
In the dugout.
No way.
Or should I say, dug in.
You know what I mean?
I'll give you Shelly's number.
You should see what she's
doing this summer.
Give you another
reason to see Anne.
Am I right?
Please stop.
Hello?
Hey, Shelly, hi.
Hi, it's Simon.
Sorry, Chris gave
me your number.
I hope that's okay.
No, sorry.
Of course it's okay.
You know, I meant to give it to
you myself before your deity
went all Noah's Ark.
One second.
What's happening?
Nothing, nothing much.
Sorry, just thinking
about some plans.
You?
I'm packing.
Oh.
Where are you going?
My grandparent's place
in Ottawa.
Yeah, we leave this evening.
Canada?
Tonight?
Every summer.
Sucks, super annoying.
That's too bad.
Hey, just a second.
Shelly, off the phone now.
Sorry, what was that?
I was just saying that
it's too bad
because I was hoping to
maybe spend some
time together this summer.
I mean, you would make Ottawa
a whole lot more bearable.
Shelly?
Oh, yeah?
Of course, I had fun last
night.
Yeah, me too.
-Shelly
-Just a second.
God.
[unintelligible screaming on
phone]
You mind if I call you back in a
bit? My mom...
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Yeah, no problem.
Okay.
I'll call you back around six.
Back home soon?
No problem.
Yeah, talk later.
This might be the end of the
Cold w*r once and for all.
Only time will tell.
And have a sport.
Thank you, Mabel.
In sporting news, the
game six of the
NHL Stanley Cup Eastern
Final resumes tomorrow.
Between the Philadelphia
Flyers and...
Roots.
Off.
More controversy surrounds
France's upcoming nuclear
testing in the South Pacific.
460 in donations.
Is that enough to get
everyone there and back?
I will have to make it work.
Oh, you could save like 20 or
30 minutes going that way.
Simon.
I forgot to mention I spoke
with Bishop Pamolta.
He's agreed to give you
a summer clerkship
in his stationery store.
And you can start when
we get back from Washington.
What about baseball?
The polo camp also
starts in a few weeks.
We feel like those activities
are having
a negative impact on you.
And which composer
might that be?
Someone born in the
20th century, so no
one you'd know.
Funny.
So...
I don't know what's gotten
into you lately, but...
this really helped me
when I was your age.
Are you serious?
Oh!
I saw you leave your baseball
bag in the alley yesterday.
Figured you must have left
it there by accident.
[80's pop music]
I got it!
I got it!
Hello?
No, he is not available
to come to the phone right now.
Dad, I'm right here.
Would you like to
leave a message?
Dad, please.
Okay, got it.
Five minutes.
In the future, please try
calling here before 7pm.
You have a good night as well.
No, dad!
Someone named Shelly, she
says she'll get in
touch with you when
she gets back from Ottawa.
She didn't leave a number?
No.
Why couldn't you let
me talk to her?
You know the rules.
It's late.
It's 7pm on a Friday!
That's late.
[80's pop music]
[upbeat 80's pop music]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Simon!
Slow down.
What are you doing in here?
Shelly wants us to come
to Ottawa.
Squeeze me?
Wait, what?
In Canada?
When?
Tonight!
Now!
Yeah, f*ck camping!
Let's go to Ottawa!
Any of our friends going
to be there?
Maybe.
Like Ann?
Wait, hold on.
Where will we stay?
How will we even get there?
And how do we cross the
border without our parents?
We've done it a hundred
times for baseball!
All we need to do
is make a note.
Wait, hold on.
What are we crossing for?
Right?
And how do we have the money to
pay for any of that stuff?
Yes!
What the f*ck is happening?
Compliments to the
Mormon church!
You stole it?
Well, not from the church.
From my dad.
That doesn't make it any better.
It was for the stupid retreat
he was forcing me to go on.
I basically stole it from
myself.
No, that's not how that works.
Simon, you're going
to catch hell.
Look, you told me
last night that my
life would make the most
boring movie ever.
Right?
Tomorrow night is game
six of the Stanley
Cup Conference Finals between
the Philadelphia Flyers and
the Montreal Canadiens.
Which means a ton of
people will be
crossing the border north from
Philly and we'll
be crossing with them.
Okay, the legal drinking
age there is 18,
which is three whole years
younger than here.
Which means John's fake ID,
which almost never
works here, is guaranteed
to work there.
Guys, this is probably
the last time you
guys are going to see
me like this.
My dad's pulling me out
of baseball, forcing
me to spend the summer
at my bishop's
stupid printing business,
and next will be the
polo team, soccer,
basketball, all of it.
Then you guys won't
see me anymore.
So this is it.
James, I know you don't
like John Hughes
movies, but this
is my dare to be great moment.
I'm asking.
I'm begging.
Please let me have it.
I'm scared.
Go, go, go, go!
I'm on!
Bye, guys!
Have fun!
Never!
Five tickets for Ottawa, please.
Go, go, go, go!
[bus station annoucer]
Ay, ay, ay.
Is it going to be too
late for Shelly's?
Dude, wait up. What's the plan?
Phone.
Simon, you got a 20?
What for?
Look, you lost my last pack.
It's only fair you replace it.
Fine.
Have fun.
Thank you.
Oh, hey, can you get me some?
Yep.
So?
Don't you have her number?
Her Syracuse number. Not Ottawa.
She didn't give it to you?
Wait a minute.
It's not going to be under
Williams, dude.
Why not?
That's her last name, right?
Yeah, that's her last name.
But her grandmother here
is on her mother's side.
Okay, so what's her
mother's maiden name?
Why the hell would
I know her family tree?
Simon.
Christ.
Cigs are expensive
as hell here.
If I had to, it would
be shitty-a*s f*cking menthols.
What?
Is she not answering?
That would be an improvement
from our current situation.
What is our current situation?
He doesn't have her number.
Simon, why the f*ck don't
you have her number?
Yeah, why don't you have
her number, Simon?
She didn't give it to me.
What?
All available units,
we have a 10-16 in progress.
Corner of 5th and Welsh.
Copy that.
Unit 604 en route.
Sorry, buddy.
[police siren]
Looks like we gotta
take a break from
you f*cking over your friends.
I thought Chris had
her dang number.
I met her at summer camp.
You think I'm pen pals with
her Canadian grandma?
Okay, how am I supposed to know?
Simon, what the f*ck?
What the f*ck, Simon?
Just chill, all right?
I'll get us a hotel.
We can find a place to crash and
I'll figure out how
to get a hold
of her in the AM.
No, that's it, dude.
I literally cannot be sober
for another damn
minute in this stupid country.
Yeah, me too.
Go ahead.
Oh, hey.
Excuse me, excuse me.
What?
Do they sell alcohol in there?
How old are you?
Where are you boys from?
New York State.
You boys know the legal
drinking age here is 19, right?
Oh, my f*ck.
Are you serious?
Well, look, homies.
Liquor stores here close at 11.
But, I mean, we might
have some back at
our place if you're willing to
part with us for some green.
Green, we got...
Yeah, yeah.
We got a lot of green.
We're just like a couple
blocks from here,
so we'll meet you
guys up back in like 10?
How much?
Seems kind of expensive.
Well, you want to have
a good time, or...
Yeah.
We have this little thing
in Canada called
Sin tax.
That's it.
Yeah.
Right.
Sin tax.
Yeah.
Sure.
10 minutes.
I'll pay.
Come on, what the hell
are we doing?
The same thing we
always do, okay?
Getting f*cked up in a
park in another country.
Can we just chill out, dude?
I mean, once we get some
alcohol,
we'll be right is rain.
Rain isn't right.
Hey, tell that to plants.
Huh?
Is that even me?
Chlorophyll and sh*t, right?
[Car horn beeping]
Here we go.
Boys.
Hey, boys.
Hey, uh...
Hand over your wallets.
Please.
Please.
He said, hand over your
f*cking wallets, boys.
I knew it.
You knew what?
Hand over your wallet.
Or...
I'm going to put your head...
through that f*cking wall.
There you go.
[laughter in background]
Okay, okay.
What the f*ck?
Uh-oh.
Oh, no.
Are you okay?
Aww.
What's wrong, sweetheart?
[laughter in background]
Come on.
Cough it up.
Come on, little baby.
Holy sh*t.
We're f*cking rich, boys.
So much money.
It's American, too.
Yeah.
Um...
Thank you.
Oh, this f*cking...
Dude, f*ck yeah.
Have a great f*cking
night, boys.
That's called sin tax.
Hey, boy.
[somber dramatic music]
I want out of the sh*t h*le,
f*cking country.
Nice guys, my a*s.
f*cking assholes.
Where are you going?
You gonna walk all the way home?
What the f*ck else are
we supposed to do?
I don't know.
We should have fought him.
Who are you right now?
No, no, no.
He's right, okay?
We should have fought him.
We shouldn't be here.
We need to go home.
Then what?
Call your parents and tell
them where you really are?
Simon, look.
I'm the movie guy.
God knows I love a
whole one last
hurrah before being sent to
prison story, but
I'm not sleeping under a f*cking
bridge just so you can get...
I don't even know what.
Why are we here, dude?
Because I am going away, James.
Okay, maybe not to actual
prison, but...
You know what my dad is like.
As soon as I go home, I'm...
I'm done.
You could call your mom, maybe.
She doesn't give a sh*t.
We could just lay
low for the rest of the weekend.
Where are you going?
You heard him.
Simon can't go home just
yet, so neither can we.
What's he gonna do?
Rob the f*cking place?
Free healthcare in Canada.
Okay, guys, look.
I'm just saying we could
have taken him.
Dude, healthcare wouldn't have
fixed the beating you
would have gotten.
You dumbass.
Hey, that's a donation box!
Run!
Run!
Holy sh*t, what did you do?
Go, go, go!
Hey, f*ck you!
You better run, you
little f*ck!
f*ck off!
[Police siren]
Well, this is all we can afford.
Just the five of you
lady K*llers?
Correct.
You all cool cats are 19?
Correct.
Well, you're in luck.
We got a deal going
on right now.
Rent a room, get
a pitcher in our pub.
[Upbeat rock music]
Gentlemen.
One pitcher of your finest beer,
please.
Doesn't matter what
kind, does it?
[Upbeat rock music]
Enjoy.
Thank you.
Oh, sorry.
Wait, no, I'm...
I'm sorry.
No, I'm...
Why are you sorry?
I bumped into you.
I think this is what they call a
Canadian standoff.
You know, to see who's
more sorry.
Hello there, James.
What do we have here?
Ah, no, no, no, no.
We got a prime minister.
It's like the same job as
president though, right?
I think so.
Still under the thumb
of the queen.
f*cking England?
Yeah.
So the queen of England
can just boss
you guys around
whenever she wants?
I don't know, actually.
No, she's a figurehead.
Open up.
That's exactly what our
colonies said.
f*ck that.
And you assholes couldn't keep
to yourselves, came after us.
What?
Americans!
w*r of 18-f*cking-12.
f*cking Yankee Doodle Dandies,
like yourselves.
Try taking over our sh*t.
We bring your m*therf*cking
White House to the
f*cking ground as payback.
You didn't.
You calling me a liar?
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
I'd like to introduce
you to Patricia.
And Steph.
Stephanie.
Patricia and Stephanie are from
Pennsylvania and they're
here for just one night.
Are there any actual Canadians
in this bar?
Pennsylvania?
You said Pennsylvania?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm fine.
Shouldn't she be in Montreal
for the game tomorrow?
We were, but some dumb
sh*t said we
should check out
Ontario, the capital.
So here we are.
Yes.
Here you are.
Nice.
[upbeat dance music]
Look at these f*cking rejects.
What's wrong with them?
Huh?
Why all you idiots gotta
dress like that anyway?
Like what?
Like a bunch of f*cking f*ggots.
Jesus.
Zero to sixty here in Canada.
f*ck...
is with you, mascara-wearing
m*therf*cker.
You don't listen to
the cure, do you?
Hank.
Why aren't you out there
dancing with them
girls, huh?
Hank, these kids are just
having a time.
Leave him be, huh?
Why don't you pour us another...
Bart?
And close this out.
Oh, and get the gentleman
here a Shirley Temple, huh?
Yeah!
Why you just...
f*cking thing.
Excuse me.
Is this spicy?
Oh, yeah, f*cking A.
There we go.
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen.
You guys like Elton John, right?
f*ck no.
Well, the last person
to finish this is
the biggest f*cking Elton
John fan here.
Cheers!
You won.
[groaning in pain]
What the f*ck?
You m*therf*cker!
[Fast paced rock music]
Go, go, go!
Just a second, you idiot!
Come on, let's go!
Come on!
Let's go!
Go, go, go!
Hey, hey, hey!
You too!
Hey!
I warned you!
Yeah!
Get out of here, kid!
Come on!
[Glass breaking. Music stops]
Hey, you keep yelling at me.
You're not welcome here.
Don't I touch my pockets!
Oh, yeah, well...
I am looking.
I'm looking.
I'm not the one who lost them.
Well, I don't know
what you want me to do here.
Wait, where did you
have them last?
Well, if I knew that, I
wouldn't be asking you, Steph.
Okay, I don't need that
kind of attitude.
-I'm going to look for them...
-Well, we really need to hurry.
I'm not going to make
it in time.
Yes, I hear you!
I'm coming!
And you keep yelling at me.
-I swear to God.
-I don't care, Steph.
We gotta go.
I'm not missing this
g*dd*mn thing.
Oh, wait, I got them.
Oh, thank f*ck.
Okay, where's my sweater?
f*ck!
In hell, Stephanie.
We have to go now
or we will miss our train.
Hair of the dog.
Steph, now!
Steph, now!
I'm coming, okay?
Enjoy the rest of your
trip, boys!
Good luck with the game.
Go Flyers!
Come on!
So hungover.
[toilet flushing]
Best night ever!
[upbeat music]
[groan]
So?
So?
How was your evening?
A gentleman never
kisses and tells.
But I got laid.
Any of you get with her friend?
Made out a little.
Nice.
Good to know that
neither of you are gentlemen.
Hey, how we finding Shelly?
How we get him hooked
up before his
dad sends us off to prison?
No one's going to be
finding anyone if
we don't get more money.
I mean, this meal officially
exhausts our funds.
Let's find a mall or
something, right?
They have loads of
donation boxes.
Let's maybe try not
getting thrown in jail
in a foreign country.
Man, you had a blast
last night and you know it.
Ha!
I love Canada!
I love Canada!
John, for the love of
God, please.
You're the religious one.
You're supposed to be my
moral compass here.
Hey, you'd have to
be on crack to
want to go home now, okay?
We're on a runner.
You say crack?
Huh?
You'd have to be on crack?
Crack.
You'd have to be on crack?
Not me.
Is he having a stroke?
Shelly's grandmother's name.
She used her mother's
maiden name for her
first year at summer camp,
which was like
an awful idea because her
middle name is
Hayley and so we call her
Shelly's hairy crack.
But...
Shelly Hayley Crack, Simon!
It's all right.
Excuse me?
Payphone?
Cozy, cozy, cozy, cozy.
Crack.
Hello.
Hi. Hi.
Is Shelly there?
Yeah.
Who's asking?
This is Simon, a friend
from Syracuse.
Hello?
Simon?
Hi, Shelly.
Hi.
Hey, dude. How are you?
I'm good.
Good. Yeah.
I'm sorry.
My dad was a d*ck
the other night.
He doesn't like calls
after a certain time.
But, you know, mormons.
It's okay.
I was going to give you
our Ottawa
number, but it seems
like you figured it out.
How did you manage that,
Columbo?
Shelly's hairy crack.
Excuse me?
I mean, Chris remembered
your last...
your other last name.
Did you bring Anne with you?
Sorry.
Sorry.
So, you guys have an
Ottawa phone book?
Um, no.
Actually, we came to Ottawa.
Actually.
You guys are...
in Ottawa?
Yeah. Yeah.
I thought it might
be cool to hang.
Maybe.
With who?
With you.
You know, because when
we spoke on the
phone, you mentioned
it might be fun if I, uh...
We came to Ottawa.
So, um, you guys came to Ottawa?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, to, um...
Rescue you from boring
old Ottawa.
Okay.
Um, well, uh, where are
you guys staying?
Well, we had a room
at the Foothills Motel, but...
Ew.
It's not so bad.
Really, it's, uh...
I'll be right there.
Hey, um, listen.
I gotta go help my
grandma with some stuff.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, we're here
another day still.
If you wanted to hang...
You know I'm pretty busy,
um, with family stuff.
Oh.
Okay.
Talk soon?
[phone hangs up - dial tone]
Dude, wait up.
She wasn't that fun anyways.
She never invited us, did she?
Simon.
She told me...
She said Ottawa would
be more fun with
me here than without.
I mean, that's what she said.
How am I supposed to
interpret that any other way?
Well, sometimes we say things
figuratively...
John.
Simon.
Okay, where are we going now?
Seriously?
[ominous music]
Record store.
We each steal one, sell
it outside, buy tickets home.
Hell no.
So, you wanna go home now?
I'm not doing this, guys.
Simon, no, stop.
We're in Canada, James,
not Russia.
Don't you know who they
cast as gangsters
and car thieves in that
damn vacation movie?
Who?
f*cking black dudes.
How do you not get this?
This isn't Ferris Bueller.
Easy, easy.
James, you don't have to
do
anything you don't want to do.
But...
Does anybody else have
a better idea on
how we pay to get home?
[fast paced rock music]
sh*t.
[clears throat]
You keep looking at my shop.
Your shop?
My shop.
That's never gonna work.
What?
That is so obvious.
That's way too risky.
So, you pay the lease?
What?
For your shop.
Pay the lease, mortgage
maybe, taxes?
What?
Pay the employees?
No.
What?
Yo, Sophie.
Helen.
No, please.
What up?
I oversee all these shops.
They're my responsibility.
So, then someone else
owns the shop, then?
How obvious?
No.
No.
That's never gonna work.
Let me see it.
What?
Let me see it.
Fine.
Be quiet, please.
f*ck.
Do you plan on listening
to this?
Yeah.
Are you gonna listen
to it or do you want money?
Money.
Wait, what?
Come on.
No, wait, wait.
No, no, no.
Look, I, uh...
I have a meeting to go to.
Is it a meeting about your shop?
No.
Excuse me.
We've got problems.
Okey-dokey.
There's a big old
scratch right here.
I was just hoping to return it.
You want a replacement?
Uh, no.
I'm traumatized by the scratch.
So, just cash would be cool.
Do you have a receipt?
Actually, this was a gift.
Not my shop.
[cash register opens
Is that a real scam?
You guys run that often?
Danny boy, this pipes, the pipes
are calling.
Well, I'm 16.
I can only work part-time.
Not on school nights or Sundays.
Minimum wage is only
four bucks an hour.
And we've got a president
who cares more
about space lasers and
w*r on drugs than
on actual education.
What do you think?
[unintelliglbe singing]
Oh, sh*t.
That's not bad.
We can split it.
Oh, no, it's cool.
We do it all the time.
So...
Thanks.
We're good.
Well, I got their names.
Um, Helen and Sophie.
Um...
Misty.
Mystery.
Misty.
Misty?
Yeah.
It's equally as stupid, though.
Oh. I think it's cool.
Thanks.
Well, I'm Simon.
Simon.
Cool.
Oh, this is Chris.
And Tim and James and, um...
John.
Bunch of Catholic saints, huh?
And we behave accordingly.
So, where's everybody from?
The States.
You?
Yeah, no, we're locals.
Well, uh...
What are you lovey ladies
up to this evening?
Perhaps a visit to our
fine hotel for some bevvies?
Wait, I thought we were...
Oh, we're actually house-sitting
my aunt's place, so...
Or, I mean, if you wanna...
You could come over there
for said bevvies
instead, if you wanted to.
Oh, Misty, I don't think
that's a good idea.
Come on, Sophie.
Have a little bit of fun.
Right?
I mean...
Would you want to?
Yes, yes.
Please.
If that's okay.
Yo, record control.
Yeah, absolutely.
Oh, man.
This is such a good
record you should bring home.
Please, yeah, of course.
Cool.
Thanks.
Catch you later.
No offense, but how
the f*ck did you
pull that one off, huh?
They are all three into me, huh?
No, they're not.
Man.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Come in.
Oh, this is my brother, Eric.
Hey.
Hello.
Maybe shoes off?
No.
So, we have neighbors,
one of whom is
super bitchy, and my aunt's
major OCD, so
if you could please
keep it down.
[bottles land in sink loudly]
John!
Dude!
What?
What should we do
with the coats?
Oh, I can take them.
Cheers, then.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
Whoa.
What?
You don't like cats?
Oh, no, I mean...
I'm busting your ba*ls, man.
It's totally f*cking weird.
Thank God.
Madonna, Tiffany, and Bonnie
Tyler are totally f*cking
it all up because they're
making it look
like you have to look
good rather than
know how to actually
f*ck them up.
I just feel like we're
being brainwashed to
think that you have
to be beautiful in
order to be talented.
What's your talent?
So, are you guys still
in school, or...
Well, we're going to be seniors.
You?
We just graduated, so...
I guess we're one year older.
And one year wiser.
Three years older, wiser.
Does that mean you're
all in college?
Yeah, no.
Eric thinks selling weed
on campus is the
same thing as attending.
Oy!
May I?
We've been dry since we
crossed the border.
Be my guest, Cheech.
Thank you.
How do you guys like
Canada so far?
It's nice people, right?
Uh...
What?
We're not nice?
We are so nice.
We were mugged last night.
What?
Some assholes attacked
me at the bar.
Whoa!
Four?
Filled their beers
with hot sauce.
What?
Why?
Let's just say they
weren't a big fan
of my fashion sense.
Jesus!
Are Canadians not very
f*cking nice?
That's like our thing.
[Rock music]
I'm just saying, I
don't know why we
have to decide right now.
Or even, like, in a
year from now.
My parents keep asking
me what my major is.
What is your major, Miss?
I don't f*cking know.
I don't have a clue.
That's better than my parents.
They never even ask.
Yeah, I mean, I would
be happy to be a janitor.
Okay, if there is no
way that you'll
be a happy janitor,
there's no way.
Okay, okay, I'm not a janitor.
That's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is,
I don't need to be
some kind of famous
ballerina, astronaut, rock star.
Rock stars are a bunch of
f*cking assholes.
Pretentious assholes.
I say, man, my dad's
been doing the
same job for the past,
like, 40 f*cking years.
Doesn't complain, ever.
He's never complained.
He goes to work, comes
home, puts food
on the table, loves his family.
He does the damn thing, and
that's what's important, right?
What am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to scold
the poor b*stard
and tell him that his
life's a failure
because he didn't become
a contender?
No, absolutely not.
Am I, like, rambling right now?
Am I super high?
[laughter]
I'm sorry.
Do you know what you want to do
when you grow up?
I f*cking wish my parents
wouldn't jump down
my throat about it all the time.
Uh...
He wants to be a rock star.
No, no, no.
No, no.
I don't want to be a rock star.
No, no, no.
No, stop.
Do you actually?
Is that true?
No, no.
Musicians, maybe.
That's a rock star.
A rock star.
A musician is not a rock star.
There's a big difference.
Like a leather jacket on.
Pretentious assholes, right?
I'm so f*cking sorry.
For what?
Why are you sorry?
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
I know me.
I'm f*cking drunk.
I'm not drunk.
I'm high.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
No, it's...
I am not stupid, okay?
I don't think you're stupid.
No, I didn't mean it like that.
I didn't think you
thought I was stupid.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's all good.
I...
I'm not stupid.
You're not stupid.
I know that for every
Robert Smith or
a million John Smiths
that never make it.
But I...
gotta try it, right?
Amen.
Doesn't that f*cking scare you?
God, Missy, you're such a
f*cking buzz-k*ll.
What if it doesn't work out?
I'm sorry.
It's a valid question, though.
I'm done.
I'll, um...
I'll just be satisfied
knowing I...
gave it a shot.
So, you finally gonna
have the ba*ls
to play for us, then?
Absolutely not.
No, no, this entire trip,
I've been waiting
on your dare-to-be-great moment.
Who said that?
That's from a movie, right?
Ferris Bueller.
No, no, no, it was,
uh, Star Wars, the first one.
No, it's St. Elmo's Fire, isn't
it?
You guys are k*lling me.
John Cusack, say anything?
Boombox above the head?
Yes, thank you.
Yes, thank you.
That was so romantic.
He's so sexy.
So sexy.
Okay, you guys remember those
questionnaires at school
that tell you what
career you do?
Yeah.
No sh*t, I got f*cking
Lemonade vendor.
I did.
You sure you did?
Dude, I like that.
I like it, too.
Someone's gotta do it.
Someone's gotta do it.
Okay, rock star or
Lemonade vendor?
Which is it?
Pick.
There is no third option.
Please.
You're following your
dad's footsteps.
Can you smell it?
Why? What's his dad do?
Oh, his dad's a f*cking Mormon.
Wait, you're a Mormon?
Why don't you hang on
to yourself now?
Do it slowly.
There was Captain
Farrell and his money
was cold first produced
me a p*stol and
then produced me a rapier. Say,
stand and
deliver to see...
Carl!
Stuff a sock in it.
[slow pop music]
Time to stand up for a
fight.
It's alright, it's alright. Hand
in hand. We'll take a caravan.
To the
motherland. One by one
We're gonna stand
up with pride.
One that can't be denied.
Stand up, stand up.
From the highest mountain.
Valley low. We'll join together
with hearts of gold. Now the
children of
the world can see. This is a
better
place for us to be.
The place in which we were
born. So neglected and torn...
Torn apart. Every
woman, every man.
Join the caravan of love. Stand
up, stand up.
CDs blow my g*dd*mn mind I don't
know though, is it
just me or do they
not sound as good as records?
No, they f*cking don't.
You know your stuff.
This seems to be a
recurring theme.
Which is?
Well, it's usually just me
and Sleeping Beauty
here by the end of the night.
That just means you guys
have the most fun.
[slow pop music continues]
What are you doing?
I hear it makes it taste better.
This is punch.
Look at that, you guys
are twins.
Rude.
Do you do that yourself
as part of
the whole rock and roll thing?
No, no, it's all natural.
Unfortunately.
No stress, like from all
your Mormonisms?
No, it's this condition
called poliosis.
Basically just a lack of
pigment in the
roots, but Church
likes to say I was
touched by God.
I still can't believe you're
a f*cking Mormon.
Yeah.
I would be so nervous if I were
you.
Why?
Because you're clearly going to
hell if it's all true.
- I don't want to do this.
- Me neither.
So you've never left New York
before this?
Nope, not until my dear friend,
Simon had his mental breakdown.
Breakdown?
I mean, his family's pretty
strict.
I think this was just a chance
for him to blow some steam.
Hey, what do you do
with all those photos you take?
Same as always.
I take way too many.
Documenting my life, thinking
other people will want
to see what I'm
doing at all hours
of the day, and then
they just end
up sitting in a shoebox
under my bed.
Yeah, but why would anybody
want to see
photos of someone's
everyday life?
Because I'm narcissistic
as f*ck.
I don't know, maybe
people will want to
see them when I move
to New York.
I'll become a very
famous artist.
Is that what you want to do?
Art?
Sort of.
I think design, so billboards,
logos, movie posters.
Movie posters?
No sh*t.
No sh*t.
[snoring]
He gonna do that all night?
Yep.
Wanna k*ll it?
Yeah, sure.
Oh.
Bud is so much stronger here.
Welcome to Canada.
Does it hurt?
What?
When you fell from heaven.
The f*ck you think?
Your f*cking eye.
Oh, yeah.
No, not really.
Let me see.
That got you good, huh?
Yeah.
How does it look?
Not bad, not bad.
Always thought I'd be a
k*ller paramedic, but
no clue that they test
you for drugs and sh*t.
Yeah, I think they do.
Well, there goes that dream.
Sorry.
Misty will be happy.
I'm sorry.
So, you mean all the
things you said back there?
What?
Oh.
About my career and
lemonade vending.
Sorry, I feel like I'm so
OCD or something,
I ramble all the f*cking
time, even when I'm sober.
I just feel like I get
so f*cking
depressed when I think about
everybody's grand plans.
Somebody's gotta be
the garbage man.
And it's probably gonna
be, I mean, what if it is me?
You just can't get disappointed
if you have low expectations,
I guess you just gotta be
realistic about it.
You know we're teenagers, right?
We're allowed to be unrealistic.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What?
You've done this before, right?
You're not just like really
f*cking high or something?
I mean, yeah.
I'm definitely really
f*cking high, yeah.
But, uh, done what?
This.
What we're doing.
I ain't like some predator
or something.
You're only like three years
older than me.
So you've done this before.
Done what?
This.
What we're doing.
No.
You are g*y, right?
I don't know.
I think so.
That's a weird thing to say.
Look, I, um, I've never
really had to
say that out loud before.
Holy sh*t.
What?
Well, I'm, uh, not really
interested in guiding
you through your whole
coming out party.
Look, I'm not asking
you to do that.
Then what are you asking?
You think it's f*cking easy?
You think it's easy?
You think I haven't had
one of these before?
For the exact same
f*cking reason?
Shh, right there.
Don't wake him up.
You want to know what
the hardest part is?
It's not the fact that
every straight guy
thinks that we're giving
them A*DS or every
psycho in the movie is some
repressed h*m*.
No.
The hardest part is not
knowing who's on your side.
You guys really did burn
down the White House.
What?
You Canadians.
You're just kind of dicks.
So, you're going to
put hot sauce in
my drink, too, or nice
meeting you, Tim.
[door closes]
You good?
f*ck.
Chris, how long...
How long have you been awake?
Long enough.
A bricklayer.
What?
On school aptitude test?
I got a damn bricklayer.
Not a professional football
player or
a successful businessman.
Just a bricklayer.
I don't know why they have
to get so wildly specific.
No.
They told me I was
an investigative journalist.
Can
you believe that?
I can, Tom Brokaw.
I don't know how I'm
anything like a journalist.
Well, you're loyal.
You've got an interest
in culture that none of us have.
You're definitely assertive.
You're brave.
Better or for worse sometimes.
Of course.
But see, from where
I'm sitting,
I'm okay with being
a bricklayer.
You know?
I've come to terms with that.
But you...
You just don't seem
like you want to
admit that you might be a
good journalist.
Your friends?
They all think you'd make
a great journalist.
You know I'm not talking
about journalism, right?
Yes, I know.
Okay.
That doesn't make sense.
[Romantic pop music]
Oh, he loves his curtain.
[Romantic pop music continues]
Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
No, no, no.
I thought that this was over.
You're good.
It's okay.
We're going to go.
We're going to go to a...
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'm really sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Clear.
There will be no funny
business like that tonight.
Yeah.
No, of course.
Of course.
It wasn't even planned.
Considering it...
Oh, what?
Did I just ruin your night, huh?
No, no.
But...
Can I ask you a question?
Okay.
What did I do to
make you say that?
Well, I'm not trying to
convince you or anything.
I swear.
I'm not, like...
I just...
What am I doing to not be the
guy that goes into the
bedroom with the girl?
Excuse me?
You know what I mean.
Do you want to be that guy?
Oh, okay.
I'm starting to see it.
What?
The religious side.
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm not talking sh*t
or anything.
I just feel like, um...
On a job resume, you would...
lack real-world experience.
Okay.
But...
how are you supposed to
get real-world experience if...
people keep putting up not
hiring signs before
you can even apply?
People being me.
No, this is...
you know, purely a metaphor.
Just asking questions.
Right.
Submitting resumes, per se.
Well, the right resume will
suit the right employer.
What the f*ck do I know?
I'm not hiring anyone.
I work at a lemonade
stand, remember?
No.
No.
No, no, no.
Play me something.
Come on, rock star.
You've been building it
up all this time.
I don't even play
mandolin, okay?
Maybe once.
I play guitar.
Because guitar is the same deal.
It's really not.
Same, same.
They're completely different.
I do arrangements, okay?
I don't even sing.
Oh, come on.
At all.
Simon says...
Don't.
Play me something.
Don't.
Come on.
I don't.
Come on.
You can't be that bad.
I've never played in front
of anybody, okay?
What do you want to hear?
Send me your resume.
I'm sitting here singing this
song.
You requested I go along.
I think maybe I should be
honest.
This trip has been the oddest.
I chased a girl way up north.
But she dismissed me,
unfortunately.
It was clear to see.
I mean, I came here
for other reasons.
My parents, they
have their demons.
I thought she'd want a
romantic gesture.
All I did was pester her.
And maybe I'm not saying
it right.
Right resume, wrong job,
it wasn't right.
Point is, I met you here.
Things became clear.
I like you.
I hope you do, too.
Submitting my resume is all.
Makes any sense.
I hope you'll call.
What the f*ck was that?
What?
Am I a f*cking job fair?
What? No, I was
submitting my resume.
No, I know.
Simon, that was, it
was a metaphor.
It's not like an actual
resume that you
have to submit.
Do you know what I mean?
Listen to how weird this sounds.
You just sang a song
about going to
visit another girl
in Ottawa. Who rejected you.
And then you told the
second girl that
she wasn't your first choice.
Which, cool.
I just wanted to tell the truth.
You don't have to say
all of that.
This isn't your big moment.
It doesn't have to be
this big flashy audition moment.
I just wanted you to
be real, but not like that.
You asked me to sing, so I sang.
I don't even know why that made
me, that was so f*cking weird.
I'll play again, okay?
No, no, that's okay.
Let me just try it again.
Please don't.
What the f*ck is wrong with you?
Miss, Miss.
Now face me.
Now turn to your right.
Yes, sir.
My left, your right.
Yes, sir.
[jail cell closes]
[arguing in the next room]
...was a bad idea.
Look what they've done!
I'm dead, dude!
Yeah.
She doesn't even, she's,
what the f*ck is this?
Grody, Sophie, don't
touch it, it's burnt.
Oh my God, she
doesn't even let me
touch this stuff.
I'm so f*cking dead, dude.
I don't even, I don't
even know how to.
Hey, darling.
Don't you f*cking darling me!
I need all of you,
I need all of you out, now.
Where's my brother?
He, he left last night.
What the f*ck is going on here?
Look at these two, huh?
Grow up.
No, no coasters.
Sophie, it's okay, we'll
clean it up.
Yeah, and we'll help you.
Just get out, just get
out, just get out.
You better go, take your album.
You're f*cking kidding me.
Go.
Now.
Okay, okay.
All right, let's get you up.
Come on, buddy.
I'm really sorry.
It's okay.
Thanks, boys.
What the hell happened
last night?
You did, man.
You had the night.
Hey, Simon, you making
with Misty?
She got sick.
Maybe her and Chris
are soulmates.
Dude.
Think I'm ready to go home.
I'll, I'll, I'll
count the money.
See if we have
enough for tickets.
Yeah, don't bother.
I'll just call my mom.
Wait, what, really?
Yep.
What happened last night?
Guys, I think we're all
just a little...
Chris, it's fine.
I'm just ready to go.
I wouldn't mind staying.
Since when?
You heard them, they
wanted us out.
What's left for us to do here?
What happened to show
Simon a good time
before his dad jails him?
Yeah, what the f*ck
was last night?
Maybe we could just make
it up to them.
Jesus, are you actually
that sad?
Like, are you actually
that desperate?
Everyone knows he's not going
to actual f*cking jail, right?
Your dad is just
gonna make you go to
confession for whatever the
f*ck it is that you people do.
You'll feel guilty for
about a week, and
then you'll be right back
to getting stoned
in my basement and
feeling sorry for yourself
all over again.
What the f*ck crawled
up your a*s?
Just ready to go home.
He was on a line back there.
How far did you go with Helen?
Huh?
Hello?
Hey, Mom.
Hey, sweetie, how's camping?
Um...
What's wrong?
Wait, where are you
calling me from?
Just enough to get home.
You want to see Misty
again, right?
We could stay another night.
We could.
What the f*ck are you
doing in Canada?
What's the difference between
us camping and us
coming to Canada?
You like her, right?
No, I'm not driving three
f*cking hours across
the state and the
country to pick you up.
Are you listening to yourself?
Yeah, isn't that what a
parent's supposed to do?
You want to see her
again, right?
I can't.
I can't, James.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is Simon Benson's f*cking
day off.
Mom, are you listening to me?
I'm stuck in another
country, and I need
you to give me a f*cking ride.
I can't drive right now.
You're drunk, aren't you?
No.
Damn, it's f*cking 10
a.m.
I'm not drunk, I told you.
I'm not drunk.
f*ck.
Sorry, Eric.
Hey, uh, found this credit
card and pay phone.
Looks like someone
wants to pay for
our breakfast and bus ride home.
We're staying.
What?
Simon still has one more
day of freedom,
and we don't want
to cut it short.
Hey, here's an idea.
How much does a shower
curtain cost?
Dude, right now is not the...
Wait, that's actually kind
of a good idea.
Yeah, yeah, like we
could all go big
with an apology.
John Hughes style, man.
Let's turn you into Cusack
rocking the boombox.
Now if I say no, I'm the f*cking
bad guy, all right?
Listen, it's up to you.
[inspirational music]
What's the plan, Cusack?
[door opens]
James?
Hey, Sophie.
Are Helen and Misty with you?
Uh, yeah, why?
Come out and find out.
Uh!
Helen!
Misty!
[door opens]
Oh my God.
We'd like to formally apologize.
[Dramatic Rock music]
James, are you f*cking serious?
Serious as a heart attack.
[music continues]
It's a shower curtain!
Told you we'd make it up to you,
compliments Timmy over here.
Hey, thanks, Tim.
Thanks, Tim.
Don't mention it, don't
mention it.
Guys, make sure to thank
Simon over here,
because all of this
was his idea.
Thank you.
So where are we going?
Uh, it's a restaurant called
the French Riviera.
You know you don't
have to do this, right, Tim?
Uh, yes, we did.
We wanted to treat you.
Yeah, not with all of
Tim's money.
We're all chipping in.
So, do you guys eat at
fancy restaurants often?
Yeah, only the finest.
So what's her name?
The girl you came to
Canada for, what's
her name that you're
going to apologize?
Misty.
What?
No, no, no, he told me
last night.
Actually, he sang
to me that he came
to Canada for another girl.
Dude, you sang for her?
Yeah, and why about that?
Well, I just wanted
to be honest.
Not about that,
never about that.
And why not?
I'm just saying, look,
look, it's like, you know.
So you aren't honest with me?
No, I am.
Honesty is like a sliding scale.
What the f*ck does that mean?
Yeah, Simon, what does
that mean?
Wait, guys, what happened?
Would you rather I just
don't say anything at all?
One hundred f*cking
percent, I would.
Okay, here's an idea.
Shelly, okay?
Her name was Shelly.
Anything else to add?
I met this girl.
I thought she was into me.
Turns out she wasn't.
Or are you too drunk
to remember?
Why are we pulling over?
So this is it, then, right?
This is the real Simon?
Sorry, folks, I had
to pull over to take this.
Driving around in fancy
limousines, going to
restaurants, pretending
to be John Cusack?
No, I don't know.
What do you want me to say?
I want you to be f*cking
real with me.
I am being real.
No you're f*cking not.
What is this?
An apology.
What, in a f*cking
limo, you weirdo?
Do you just not like
these grand gestures
when I do them?
Or do you not like
them when John
Cusack does them, either?
Okay, I may have exacerbated the
whole situation with the limo.
John Cusack didn't have
it planned out when
he held up a boombox
to the girl that he loved.
That wasn't f*cking
manufactured.
It was a freaking movie, Misty.
Of course it was manufactured.
Then change your f*cking script.
To what?
You said yourself I
have no experience.
My friends are all normal.
They get to go out and do stuff.
I don't.
I'm the lemonade vendor,
Misty, not you.
I watch these movies
and I hear these
songs and I keep finding
out it's all bullshit.
Apparently it's a lot
cooler to act like
you don't give a sh*t
about anything.
Congratulations, James,
you were right.
It is all bullshit.
In real life, Ferris
gets arrested.
Him and Sloane get a divorce.
And Cameron gets k*lled
by his f*cking dad.
For the record, if this
helps, that probably doesn't.
Um, I didn't actually
make it with Anne.
I knew it!
Shut the f*ck up.
Sorry to interrupt the good
time, Mr. Tremblay.
There appears to be
an issue with your
credit card.
Really?
Simon.
Wait, wait, wait, what,
Tremblay?
Really, we have the
same last name?
Want to come up front?
I have the credit card
company on the line.
Yeah, yeah, just give
me one second.
How do we have the
same last name?
I stole the credit card
from your brother.
From Eric?
Look, he left it behind
last night, but
I will pay him back, I swear.
What the f*ck, man?
He stole that from our parents!
James, what the hell?
You knew about this?
[Dramatic music with fast
heartbeat]
We got to bolt.
Bolt?
Bolt where?
Yeah, he's right, we
definitely got to bolt.
What?
Simon.
Oh my God, Simon!
Get out of the f*cking car!
Get out of the f*cking car!
[fast paced rock music]
Well, he's...
He just took off.
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go!
Simon!
Hey!
What the f*ck?
Simon!
You?
Why did you spray me here?
Dude, dude, I hear
the f*cking cops.
We gotta go, we gotta go.
I can't see.
What the f*ck?
[Police sirens]
All right.
Turn to your left.
My right.
Yes, sir.
All right, now completely
around to your right.
To your right.
Yes, sir.
Look up.
Now face me.
Yes, sir.
Stop with the sir, all right?
No more sir.
It's officer Schultz.
sh*t.
Come on.
Now that hand's gonna make
playing guitar real
difficult now, huh?
[door buzzer]
Since you told us she
was not complicit
in any of this,
she's free to go.
[Dramatic music]
As for you, it's time
for my favorite part.
Phone call.
Hello?
Mr. Benson.
Yes, who is this?
I'm so sorry to be
calling you so late.
This is Constable Harris of
the Ottawa Police Department.
Okay.
Sir, we've got your son
Simon Benson detained
with us up here in Canada.
Ottawa, Canada?
Yes, sir.
It looks like he made
quite the trip
up north from Syracuse
this weekend.
Sir, your son has been arrested.
Mr. Benson?
What was he arrested for?
Theft.
Credit card fraud, to
be more specific.
Did you know he stole
my church money as well?
Yes, sir.
He did inform us of all of that.
Yeah I don't know what I'm
supposed to do with him.
What's my church gonna
think, our bishop?
What I think matters
most is what his parents think.
Well, his mother has
been on the phone
with the congregation
constantly.
They are very upset.
And what of his father?
What?
I just don't know where
I went wrong with him.
Ah, you know what?
Damn it.
I'm so sorry, this happens
all the time.
Looks like we made a mistake.
Yeah, we got it wrong.
The wrong Simon.
Different Simon Benson entirely.
What?
Yeah, you know, looks
like this is a
Simone Bensony.
A French Canadian.
Real as*h*le.
Dickweed, even.
Pardon my police parlance.
I'm so sorry to have
disturbed you so
late, you self-centered prick.
Simon, is he okay?
Yes, just, that guy just
swore at me.
[door buzzer]
Let's have a look at that hand.
Yeah, come on.
You know, when I was 15, I was
brought in here with a
friend of mine.
Yeah, this exact same
station, believe it or not.
And do not ask me why we were
brought in, but I promise
it was incredibly stupid.
Anyways, you guys know
they take our belts
and our shoelaces, right?
My buddy, his pants
are more than just a bit loose.
It was the style at the time.
And no sh*t Schultzie
back there is taking
my buddy's mugshot, right?
But his pants fall clean
to his ankles.
And being the idiot
that my friend is,
he's for whatever reason not
wearing any underwear.
So my buddy's standing there,
hands cuffed behind
his back, pants at his ankles,
getting his mugshot taken.
I'm laughing my a*s off,
sitting right where
the two of you are right now.
My buddy's over there getting
his mugshot taken,
pants at his ankles,
laughing as hard as he can.
Schultzie's having none of it.
It's making him angrier
and angrier.
Which of course is making
us laugh harder and harder.
It's spinning out of
control until...
My buddy starts pissing himself.
I swear to God, right over
there, he's pissing himself.
All over Schultzie too.
Hey Schultzie!
What?
Do you remember when my
friend pissed on
you way back when?
f*ck you.
I suppose the moral is,
I think you guys will figure
that one out.
Here.
You know, that hand's
not as bad as I thought.
You'll be playing again in
no time, Slugger.
Two of you...
Free to go.
Get on up.
Get up!
Yeah, your friend Tim
turned himself in.
Easiest piece of
time I'll ever do.
Shut your mug.
Hey, take it easy, Scarface.
All right, now look at me.
Again, look at me.
Look at me.
Head up.
Now, turn to your right.
See you boys back home
once I spring myself loose.
I said shut your mouth!
Okay, so you can go pick up your
stuff back that-a-way.
Oh, and one more thing.
I noticed there was a House
Martins album in the limousine.
It's previously described in
your dogshit narration.
I guess I did mention I'm a huge
fan, so I'd like to
buy it from you.
Oh, and this just so
happens to be
the same price for four
bus tickets
back to Syracuse.
Seem fair?
So should we call the
limo, or...
Listen, I'm...
I'm sorry.
This all got messed up.
It's...
it's fine.
I mean, I guess I
got a little crazy, too.
You just needed a hijack
of a ride.
Yeah.
Yeah.
f*cking optimism abuse.
[Inspirational pop music]
Some as*h*le told me
this would be a good idea.
[door buzzer]
I don't know why it
keeps happening.
But I always seem
to fall for the bad guys.
What the f*ck are
you doing here?
Did you get
in trouble, too?
You kidding me?
I'm the favorite.
I convinced my parents not
to press charges.
And you look like you
could use someone on your side.
You heard him.
Up you get.
I'm talking to you, Scarface.
Get up.
So I assume you guys
can afford a
bus ticket, or do
I have to steal another record?
You guys still owe
me and my friends
a fancy French dinner.
It's supposed to be the best.
Yeah, you know, one review
actually called it the greatest.
Shut the f*ck up, John.
Take the number.
Make sure you call them
both and apologize, yeah?
Little bit breakfast clubby.
Just a lot more
blood than gauze.
I can always start
talking about my ex to ruin it.
You know, uh, what I said
earlier, I didn't...
I just...
You were right.
You're also half wrong.
I just think we have
a different idea
of how to submit a job resume.
I just mean that...
You're an optimist.
And you're not bitter
and jaded like some of us.
And I think that's probably
why you're gonna be...
Such a k*ller musician.
And not like one
of those geeky pretty
boys that you see on
MTV right now.
Not that you're not
pretty either.
I think you're very...
I think you're very pretty.
Shut the f*ck up.
Just keep being you.
And stay away from the
f*cking mandolin.
Agreed.
[intercom chimes]
This is the last call
for service.
We will be closing shortly.
Well, uh...
I think I have a bus to catch.
Can I...
Can I give you my resume
at least?
You...
You're not gonna start
singing, are you?
Oh, f*ck's sake, Simon.
[upbeat pop music]
[cheering]
Sorry.
Sorry ok.
Hey!
Hey, wait!
Wait!
Wait!
Wait for me!
Did he break out of jail?
I'll be right back!
Eric.
Misty.
How are you?
Good.
Hey.
Um...
Thank you.
Guess I owe you for the ticket.
And the limo.
Shower curtain.
Boombox.
Yeah, sorry.
Worth it.
Worth it.
Keep it real, man.
I'm trying.
See ya.
See ya.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm catching a ride.
Not to ruin the moment
or anything, but
you totally stole my thunder.
Misty, why can't you...
[opening beer can]
Hmm?
[song fades out]
[upbeat 80's pop music]
[upbeat 80's pop music
continues]
[upbeat 80's pop music
continues]
[upbeat 80's pop music
continues]
[upbeat 80's pop music
continues]
[music fades out]
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This Too Shall Pass (2024)
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