07x01 - The Bishops

[bunniefuu]

The following programme contains
very strong language, adult humour

and scenes that some viewers
may find distressing.

ERIN: Let's give the best goodbye

to the beautiful man that was
Dylan Golding.

DAVEY: Go and give your friend
a fantastic send off.

The funeral he would have wanted.

Come on let's have it.
Scream if you want to go faster.

[CHEERING]

[PANICKED CRIES, SCREAMS]

Oh f*ck.
[SCREAMS]

[LOW, TENSE MUSIC]

Woah. Woah. Woah.
Cardi, stop wriggling dude.

I've got a dead leg.

[COACH GROANS]

f*ck.

I'm too young to die,
I've never truly loved!

Yeah, or learned to drive.

There was a blowout!

Sonny's gonna be parentless, he's
gonna have to live with Sugar's mum!

That is bad actually.

What with her drinking
and her bad taste in men.

[COACH GROANS]

[PANICKED CRIES]

Shush. Can we just-can we
just stop talking

and concentrate on not dying, please.

Where the ever loving f*ck
are Jim and Shirley?

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC]

Siri - take me to Calvert Dale.

Directions to Calvary Sailing Club,
Stoke on Trent.

Calvert Dale, Calvert Dale,
you cunting, cunting c**t.

Playing Country Music songs
from Spotify.

Oh for f*ck's sake.

They're here! They're here.
Guys, it's Jim and Shirley.

[GRUNTS AND SHOUTS]

[COACH GROANS]

Oh f*ck!

Hurry up.

Don't know why you bothered turning up.

I could probably do this
with my tractor; my tractor's an ox.

My tractors stronger than your
tractor, any day of the week.

Your tractors a lady tractor.

Your tractors a c**t.

Your tractors a c**t!

Oyi. Wallace and f*cking Vomit,
get a move on!

- Alright, keep your f*cking hair on.
- Come on.

Can you hurry up.

OK.

We need to both start
pulling at the same time.

I'll count us, we'll go on three, ready.

One, two...

I never said three.

[CABLE PINGS]

[ALL CRY OUT]

[CRYING OUT]

[ROCK CRUMBLES]

[METALLIC GROAN]

[PANICKED CRIES]

[ROCKS GRINDING]

[YELPS]
It's going to drag us over the edge.

- f*cking hell.
- I'm bailing.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SCREAMING]

Oh God.

[CRASH]
f*ck's sake.

Oh fu...

f*cking hell, we slowed its fall,
they might still be alive.

Get some help.

[SHOUTS] We're getting some help,
hold on!

Siri - call mountain rescue.

SIRI: Calling Martin Risque.

- ♪ Barrett Strong - Money ♪
- f*ck's sake.

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ But you can give them
to the birds and bees

♪ I need money [that's what I want] ♪

[MEDITATIVE HUMMING]

Hey Vinnie.

Hmm.

f*cking 'ell..

What the f*ck are you doing!

I'm om-ing.

Coming?

No, I'm not f*cking coming.

I'm om-ing, and you've ruined it.
It's a Hindu tradition.

Supposed to help you.

I don't know chakra or somert.

So it's true then, what they're all
saying - you've gone weird.

I haven't gone weird, I'm just...

just trying,
to reflect a bit that's all.

We all nearly died that day, Vin.

But there's still pigs to feed
and sh*t to be shovelled.

Come on, taking you for a pint-

Hey. I'm not going drinking.

I've read about it.

It just contributes to it all
don't it, depression and...

..f*cking anxiety and that.

f*ck me, this is more serious
than I thought.

Look, I'm no counsellor, Vin,

but as that c**t out of
Mork and Mindy said

when he got those little privileged
little twats to stand on desks

in that poetry film - carpe diem.

You'll be right. I'm just...

[SOFTLY] f*ck me man...

My head,
I don't know why it does it. Just...

I get really sick of myself.

And there's time I just think
f*ck it, you know...

I've wished for this sweet oblivion.

And then I get to it, and I just...

You want to live.

Yeah.

Me too.

And this is the year of bukkake.

♪ The Specials: A Message to You, Rudy ♪

Dude. The f*ck.

We're in a good spot guys,
we're doing well,

you know, there's no bloody McCann:
he's dead, bloody Manolito:

he's f*cked it as well.

No-one's trying to cut
anyone's todger off.

I say, we just go back to ways of old.

Do you know what I mean?

We grow the weed, sell the weed,
the odd f*cking job on the side,

take each day as it comes. Lovely.

Why'd you put your hand up, dude?

I've been talking, with my wife
and Carol, we were thinking that,

maybe it's t-time to quit
while we're ahead...

What the f*ck, what do you mean?

I mean, that we're in a better place,

me and her, and we're
not getting any younger, Vin!

And I want to get old with her,
without being... not alive.

He's got a point, Vin,
and that coach, right,

it's the not first time we've been
nearly been k*lled.

Give over.

I mean alright, give me another example,

of when we've nearly been k*lled,
come on.

There where that time down sewers.

Won't there, when big old fatberg
and that, you know blocking us in.

[WET SPLAT]
[PANICKED CRIES]

Alright the sewers
and the bloody coach. What else?

- The lion. The lion was dangerous.
- Jesus!

No. he was a f*cking... he was caged.

Sixty-ish percent of the time
he was caged.

Alright, what about the time
Tillerton's head came off?

That f*cking g*ng sh**ting us.

- f*ck you!
- sh*t.

[YELLING]
[SPLAT]

[SCREAMING]

Thinking about it, you know,
we have been shot at

on multitudinous occasions.

[g*nf*re]

[SCREAMS]

It's gonna f*cking sound bad,
when you list it like this. Alright.

I'm not risking prison again.

Yeah. We've got a Sonny now.
We can't take them risks anymore.

And I've been developing
a YouTube personality actually;

I've been getting actually quite
a lot of followers.

- What about you?
- Me?

Oh you know me, Vincent,

fingers in so many pies
they call me Fray Bentos.

f*cking fine. Get jobs then.

Get jobs, and pay taxes like dickheads.

Chatting to f*cking Daryl from accounts.

- I'm still available...
- Doh you and your face..

- Settle petal. Simmer down.
- Just f*cking cross with you all.

While I've been working out,
how to keep us all together,

you f*ck have been trying to move on.

[LIGHT MUSIC]

f*cking unbelievable.
That's the-that's it.

That is the start of
the f*cking end, right there.

Nothing lasts forever.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Oh f*ck... It's Mrs Bishop.

- Daphne.
- Hello boys...

Now then. Oyi, whatever it is,
we're closed for f*cking business.

- What do you want?
- Want? Me?

I'm just here to see
a few friends of mine.

Toodle-oo.

- Friends.
- She hasn't got friends.

She hasn't got f*cking-
She's up to some sh*t, is what she-

The only time she ever comes here
is because she wants something

nasty doing to one of her shag pieces.

Come on. f*cking up to somert,
telling you now dude...

Oh God. Alright.

Oh for f*ck's sake.
Who the f*ck are these tight-skinned

- f*cking whippersnappers.
- She's giving them money!

- f*ck me, it's a new g*ng.
- I f*ck' told you.

We have left the vacuum and these,
they've come,

and they've shagged the vacuum.
I'm f*cked. Check this out now!

Oh stomp. Stomp, stomp Hagrid.

What the f*ck is all this sh*t, eh?

Friendship my f*cking c*ck,

what's she f*cking paying you
to do this b*stard here, eh?

Who the f*ck are you,
you tattoo'd old twat.

- Oh...
- That was really f*cking rude madam.

- Rude, very rude.
- Rudas a scarriott. Yeah.

Although to be fair you are very
heavily tattooed and you know,

- nobody likes this chin one.
- I regret it.

I'm getting married, Vincent
and these lovely young people

to help make my day utterly perfect.

Right. Quick question.

Who the mucky f*ck will
want to marry you?

Wouldn't you like to know, Tommo,
but it's real love this time, and...

..after all the years that I've wasted

on that b*stard,
I think I've finally deserve...

- Here we go!
- ...some...

[CRIES]

I mean look at this sh*t.
Do you know what I mean.

This is what you'll be working
with, it's a f*cking nightmare.

[LOUD CRYING]

Listen to me, hey, give over now.

When these f*ck, mess this job up,

please don't come crying to me,
I'm out like hocus pocus.

- Poof!
- Poof. [CHUCKLES]

b*stards!

- Did I flounce out?
- You flounce a bit, you flounced...

The f*ck was...
Oh does my f*cking head in...

- Oh hello.
- Oyi. Vincent O'Neil.

You alright?

You don't remember me, do you?

No...

Do you wanna enlighten me?

Say hello to my dad, will yer,
if you see him.

- Who the f*ck is her dad...
- I don't f*cking know!

Her and her dad can kiss my bum hole.

Oh my f*cking God, d'you know that...

- What?
- That's Jim's daughter...

Alison?

- Yes.
- Back here?

Yes.

I haven't seen her since her mum
poisoned her against me.

- How's she looking?
- She's f*cking bonnie.

I mean, she looks nothing like you,
you know what I mean, thank Christ.

That's the thanks you get,
for wiping their arse,

for-for cradling them through
sleepless nights...

No. That's a lie.

I don't think you ever did
anything like that.

Well it's not the f*cking point, is it?

- I was there, providing!
- Yeah.

Working my hands to the bone
to put f*cking rusks

in her slobbery little gob.

And just because I had a
sexually adventurous love affair

behind her mother's back,

and she got the wrong end of
the stick when she caught me

in the back of that Mini Metro with
her best mate's mam,

she ditches me.

- Selfish...
- Her own father.

- Unreal.
- Not a call, not a f*cking text...

I mean, she's not my favourite
daughter, but I'm fond of her.

What a beautiful story,
by a wonderfully beautiful man.

You're a d*ck dude.

Do you want my advice,
f*cking bell her up,

life's too short to
be holding grudges Jimbo.

Yeah right...

Maybe...

f*cking maybe, oyi, you can ask her
what she's bloody up to an all,

she's a rum f*ck.
I wanna know what she's doing...

Eh. It'll be somert good.

She was very bright, Ally,
took after her old man...

[SCOFFS] Wow.

Hey, hey f*cking 'ell, f*cking
brain the size of a planet me.

Is the planet made of gas
and white dog sh*t?

Oh...
[PHONE RINGING]

Oh f*cking 'ell. Oh madam,
the plot thickens, check that out.

My b*tch ex-wife
is getting married again.

- Hmm.
- Right...

Minute the divorce came through,
bang, ring on her finger.

The guy's loaded, of course,
owns his own PR firm,

and I'm telling you now,
she only wants his money.

Aye. So what's it to you?

Well she takes me for
half of my cash and now

she's gonna get her hands
on somebody else's money,

oh no, no, no, not on my watch.

Here is this ornamental.

No.

It looks ornamental.

Well it's not.

Don't f*cking hurt yourself, will yer.

It's great big sword love.
You know what I mean.

So erm... what've you done
to your finger then?

It's just an accident.

An accident with a fish.

A fish.

I am not fingering fish.

- We didn't say that. You said that.
- No one mentioned it. Just...

So come on then,
what do you want us to do?

f*ck the wedding up.

Get the whole thing called off...

This now...

and then the same again
when she's crying into her tiara.

You can't ruin a woman's wedding,
it's the happiest day of her life.

Have you met my ex?

No.

No. Well these'll tell you,
she's a piece of work.

I mean she's what you'd call
a common end garden

run of the mill, bell end.

Listen. Listen, I'm grateful you
brought us the job.

But we're thieves aren't we,
professional thieves.

Our skills aren't tailored
to breaking up

f*cking relationships man.

So you can't do the job them?

No. We can't no.

Right, OK. It's just that I've-

I've heard about another crew
rolling around,

that might not pass up my money, so...

- Really?
- Hey.

Young I hear.

f*ck off. For f*ck sake.
Well then alright then.

- He's got us there...
- He's a bind.

Oh and this time... I wanna see
your mastery at work.

I know where he lives.

I'm in!

[SWOOSH]
Argh! Argh! My f*cking toe.

- Oh hell...
- Not... ornamental.

MEENA: What are we doing here,

I can't believe you're dragging me
into this.

No. No, I'm not. Don't you f*cking
dare, because right a hearse

is the perfect cover in't it, besides
what the f*ck else were you doing today.

Actually nothing, it's very quiet.

Dead, is it?

- Dead.
- There he is,

Kenton Baldwin - director of
KenWin Public Relations,

biggest client COME FLY airlines.

Yes. Exactly, and a smugger twat
you could not hope to meet.

We should go through his bins.
Dig up some dirt...

He keeps his bins down the side
of his house.

We'd have to gain access
through this f*cking front gates.

Yeah. No problem. Just buzz in
and say we're the bin men.

[SCOFFS]

It's OK, alright I'm sorry
to break it to you love,

but it isn't that simple.

[BUZZER TRILLS]
[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

- WOMAN: Hello?
- Bin men.

[DOOR BUZZES]
Oh.

- Fair do's... fair do's...
- Yeah.

His cars there, he might be in.
Hurry the f*ck up!

This wasn't what I had in mind.

So listen, we'll do the paper, you
do the general.

You know, for a traveller,
you're surprisingly au fait

with suburban bin divisions aren't yer?!

I take my recycling very seriously.

- Good for you.
- Now look at this...

This breaks my heart,

some idiot has emptied their
bathroom bin in here.

- Is that paper?
- No.

- Is that paper?
- No.

I swear to God,

if I was prime minister, I'd make it
a f*cking hanging offence.

Right, well I don't think they
do hanging anymore, love.

- Well I'd bring it f*cking back.
- Right.

- [RETCHES]
- What is it?

Used condom, very used condom
wrapped inside a tissue.

What's that? A used condom?

Right, let's have a look. Out the way.

[GROANS]

- [SNIFFS]
- [RETCHES]

That is not old spunk. That
is fresh. How deep were it?

How's she supposed to know how deep
it went?

In the bin, you clown,
not the f*cking vag*na.

Like... here...

That's two or three days tops,
then that in't it...

Right so, here's the thing,
if Daphne has not been over

in his house in the last two
or three days then this my friends,

could be our smoking g*n.

Hey! You aren't bin men!

- f*ck!
- Leg it. Leg it.

[CHAOTIC POP MUSIC]

[GROANS]

[ARGUING]
[ENGINE STARTS]

Right we have found his bank
statements. Here, here and here...

Last June: we have this OBPAY.

OBPAY? What the f*ck OBPAY?

Well quite, yes, meaningless
and benign to the untrained eye,

but with a trained eye, i.e.

this guy, OBPAY is very much
the method of payment employed

- in your adult establishment.
- Oh that's fantastic,

that is good news.

Right, alright so he's f*cked then,
got a bit of dirt on him there.

We've got the used johnny,
we've got the wank codes.

You want dirt - look in bins.

A very c*ck energy coming
off you Michael.

Well that's him f*cked in it.
We've got dirt on him already.

Oh yes, he's definitely giving
the 'grab 'em by the p*ssy' vibes.

Vinnie... Vin!

Well, do come in won't you. What?

I've been thinking,

like him with his long lost son,

I want to try and be part of
Ally's life again.

Err bababa. Asabababa.

Hang on a moment, right,
because Hans never knew me.

I never knew Hans.

Whereas, your Alison might have
got the measure of you,

you mankie old scrote
in her pre-pubescent years.

Oi f*cking Tom Thumb,
I'm a f*cking changed man.

I've f*cking mellowed!

And I want you to broker a truce.

Why... why do I have to f*cking do it?

Well it were your idea.

Please Vinnie...

Alright then,
where... where can I find her?

Here.

I told her mother that I wanted
to put her in my inheritance,

and I needed her number
to fill out the forms. Hey.

Not a daft c**t.

- I've only got a few minutes, OK.
- I know, it won't take long.

Christ...

Alison.

Dad.

My little girl...

You're a woman.

Bloody good looking woman as well...

..mind you, your mother was hot...

..in her day.

Not now, now she looks like she's been
left out in the sun too long

and no amount of Botox is gonna-

- Pa pa pa pa...
- Yes... yeah.

I just want to say that...

I know I wasn't a great husband,

and I definitely

could have been a better father.

Yeah, you can say that again.

- Well let me f*cking finish.
- Oh come on,

you were either farming or drinking
or tryna get your leg over

- anything that moved...
- Well...

back then it was f*cking work hard
play hard, wasn't it...

f*cking pre-me too, you could
slap a woman on the arse...

- No.
- ...and it was considered

- a sign of...
- Da da da da da, just...

Fine!! Fine.

I'm sorry.

I was a bad father

and I want a second chance
to be a part of your life.

Yeah alright...

I mean, well seen
as we're clearing the air, I erm...

I would like you to admit one thing
to me.

Andrea was always your favourite.

[LAUGHS]

Favourite?

- Parents don't have favourites...
- Lying b*stard.

Dad, come on, I'm a grown woman,
I can take it.

I know you loved me, I just,

always felt you loved Andrea
that little bit more.

All I'm asking is, for you to finally...

...admit it.

[MOUTHS]

It was no more than sixty forty.

Wow.

Arsehole.

I hope you die old and lonely,

you've got all dressed up
and you still reek of f*cking pigs.

Alison... Ally.

How do you think that went, then?

Now then.

Do you live in this thing?

Yeah. Me and Fay, no fixed abode
and all that.

I think it's f*cking cool.

So are you erm...

...are you back for your dad or what?

No. Fay just seems to think
we'll get more work round here.

- That's all.
- Hmm.

I hear you grow the best weed in Hawley.

I do. I grow the best weed this side
of Amsterdam,

tell your shagging mates that an all.

Just take your time, it's a bit strong.

- That is good.
- It's alright, in it?

So, how's it going with Mrs Bishop?

Good, good, yeah, yeah, yeah,
erm fantastic.

The 'fantastic' bit.

That's a fib that. I'm getting
definite f*cked it vibes here.

- No, I've not!
- Yes you've...

- No, I've not!
- Give me that back.

Your vibes are all wrong mate.

Take your f*cking old man vibes
and vibe-o-metre

and go and buy some
fisherman's friends or whatever.

- Well f*cking fine, I will then.
- Fine.

Fine. But I'm telling you now,
I've got a real feeling

that you might've f*cked this thing
right on up there.

Well there was a slight hiccup.

f*cking sick...

- Explain yourself.
- Cheers.

She said, her first wedding, was awful

and the minute she stepped
in the venue, she knew it was...

Cursed.

But I can sense that the marriage
wasn't going to be a happy one.

And that man, he stole
the best years of my life.

But this time, I've got
my heart set on Ardley Hall.

With it's Crittall windows
and Georgian buttressing...

The problem is,
it's a very popular venue

and it's booked up for years in advance.

They only do weddings on a Saturday.

So they've popped me on the waiting
list but no f*ck cancelling,

so I'm having to matters
into my own hands.

She a lunatic. Honestly..

I've acquired a list of all
the brides that are due

to get married in the next six weeks,

and if, by some terrible misfortune,

one of these couples should happen
to change their mind,

it means that I get
the wedding of my dreams.

Yay.

She selfish, spiteful
and f*cking mean spirited.

Anyway we decided
we weren't gonna hurt anyone.

Right, so what have you done?

So, you know my girlfriend Fay,
the one that called you-

- Tattoo'd old twat.
- Yes. Yes.

So, we chose the first people
off the Bishop's list,

Martyn Dale and Jennifer Frost.

- Love you, Marty pops.
- Love you, Jen Jen.

I looked 'em up online,
they're like super square,

super conservative, so Fay decided
the best course of action was...

Animal porn.

f*cking animal porn?

I know. That's what I said.

But listen, you guys are old school,

our generation we know about tech
and all that stuff.

It's best way to screw people over.

We'll plant it on his computer...

Then we'll bell her up, anonymously,

and tell her where to find it.

[ANIMAL NOISES]

[GASPS]

- And within a day or two...
- I can't do it.

Oh f*ck.

The wedding's off.

Jen?

- So what have you done then?
- Well, it was all going swimmingly.

We'd followed him to this cafe,
found his laptop password,

so all we needed to do
was break into the house,

- find the laptop and plant the porn.
- Right.

Now our guy Baxter,
he is the top at break-ins.

Trouble is,
he's not the brightest spark.

The stupid thick b*stard gets inside
the house, finds the laptop,

and all he has to do is transfer
the contents onto the laptop.

- [GRUNTS]
- Knocked out cold.

Now Martyn arrives home.

Finds him. Police get called.

- Oooh.
- Hmm.

And now his brother Darren's saying
he hasn't the stomach for it.

So it's just me and Fay.

Oh.

Oh alright, you smug twat.

- I know what you're thinking.
- What am I thinking?

Young idiots not up to the task.

That is exactly what I'm thinking.

You know, I always admired you,

when I was a kid and you used
to come to the farm.

Thought you were a bit like...

Robin Hood.

- f*ck you, really?
- No, I'm being serious, I am.

You know, you always used to say like,

'we're the forgotten generation,
us lot, so we make our own rules'.

I mean, that's how we feel now,

we just need a bit of guidance,
bit of time to learn.

Someone to learn from.

No. You can't seriously
be suggesting that I work with you

- and f*cking Peter Pan.
- Oh come on.

We're young, we're energetic

and from what I'm hearing your guys
aren't so enthusiastic anymore.

My guys, are just...

...you know... busy with a lot of...
different...

They'll be back, they're all gonna
f*cking listen,

don't you worry about my guys.

New blood, what new blood.

And they've got a tough one too, and
Jim's daughter's a computer whizz.

What, really?

J- Jim's daughter?

Have they got a vehicle guy?

They've got a vehicle guy.

They've got Bishops jobs too,
it's like the old days.

I'm thinking one more job
wouldn't hurt. Would it?

Yeah, one more job... Yeah..

One job, like the old days.
What are you saying?

No. No. I'm going back to Blackpool
in a couple of days.

- Sugar?
- Tommo,

I'm not helping you ruin
the happiest day of a woman's life.

Alright, alright, alright, OK,
much as I am sympathetic

to your romantic inclinations,

let me tell you this sweetheart,
this list, right,

it's exclusively made up of,
how do I say this... posh c**ts.

It's a f*cking double barrelled
bonanza over here, you've got err...

Hayley Taylor-Clarke,
Miranda Morgan-Fry,

Sarah Cheeseman... Actually that's just-

Sarah Cheeseman? Let's have a look.

[OMINOUS TONE]

I'm in.

Right, come on now, concentrate,
let's get started.

- What about Cardi?
- Has he said he was coming?

Not in so many words... no.

Well he f*cking knows where we are,
doesn't he, if he changes his mind.

We're f*cking up two weddings today,
we need to do it in specific order.

First, were gonna f*ck
up Cheeseman's wedding.

Alright. Mrs Bishop pays us.
Then we f*ck up her wedding.

And Mr Bishop pays us for that.

Alright.

First up... Sarah Cheeseman.

- Yes!
- Cheese off.

- We have a few options open to us.
- Yes.

Number One: We cut off all her hair.

- Including her eyebrows.
- I like that.

Number Two: We mangle her hands
so they can't get ring on.

That's a bit much that, in't it?

And C...

No. No.

It's not one, two, C is it,
it's not one, two, C...

It's one, two, three.
Right, whatever, C, whatever...

We go for the teeth.

- Teeth.
- No.

Teeth, hang on a minute,
am I hearing this correctly?

Who is gonna mess up her teeth?

Can we not just shave her
shagging hair off.

- What if she wears a wig?
- Well then f*cking do her eyebrows,

Ashley. Lord fire.

I mean she's not gonna wanna get
married looking like f*cking Beaker.

Bald c**t with the glasses from
the Muppets, is it that same one?

- Dr Bunsen.
- That's the b*stard. Well in dude.

Wait Muppets?

That the ones with the frog
that's wanting to f*ck the pig,

but the pig's all like cunty

and like whacks him with
a karate chop, but he still...

he still f*cking wants her.

Also that's such a f*cking weird
take, but yes, that is the Muppets.

That is... that is the Muppets
in't it. Yeah she's got it.

f*cking shut up, I think we should
split into two groups,

alright we've got a Cheeseman group.
And Mrs Bishop group.

Find out how we can shave
Cheeseman's hair off.

OK. Here we've got her
personal calendar.

How did you get into that so quick?

Easy peasy. Let's have a look,
we've got...

Nail appointment tomorrow,
dress pick up,

fiance's suit from dry cleaners,
cake and favours delivery,

- God getting married's stressful.
- Tell me about it.

What's O-W-L?

It's a night time bird.

It's an acronym.

Google it JJ.

Overwhelmingly large;
Olympic weight lifting;

older woman's league;
online weekend learning.

- Well it's none of them is it.
- Ongoing weight loss.

- Bingo.
- That's the one! Well done.

Right, yeah but that's not
what we're looking for, is it?

I know there's literally everything
here except her hair appointment.

How we gonna f*ck it up
if we don't even know when it is?

Won't she have it done on the day?

Have it done on the day,
there'll be pre-treatments, trims,

root tints, conditioning masks.

For me this is personal,
so I'm going to that nail bar,

I'm gonna get reacquainted
with my old friend.

Right, I need to ask you
a serious question,

why do you hate her so much?

[WISTFUL STING]

[PARTY CHATTER]

[CLATTER]

[DRILL WHIRRS]
[SINISTER STING]

[MUSIC ENDS]
It's a long story.

Right, let's just say we're getting
our nails done for a weekend away,

- alright, we're mates.
- Aw nice, where we going?

I don't know, do I.

Well that's not much of
a cover story, is it.

Here what about - The Lake District,
I've always wanted to go there.

No, it just pisses down all the time.

Well what if were going
for a spa weekend.

Why we getting our nails done for
a spa weekend,

- where we could just get them done there?
- That's true.

Because we've been before
and the woman who does them

has the worst halitosis
you've ever smelt.

Oh God, the disgusting b*tch.

OK, alright, we're good on our
story? Alright, let's go.

[BELL DINGS]

Oh my God. [LAUGHS]

Sarah!

Erin, hi.

Hi.

How long's it been?

- Years.
- Years.

Erm girls, this is erm Sarah, we
used to work together, back in the day.

Well, she used to work for me,
I was assistant manager,

she was store supervisor.

- But it's so nice to see you again.
- Yeah.

How old's that little boy of yours now.

- Err twelve.
- Gosh, big.

Big.

You did so well, having him on your own.

I suppose you had no choice,
baby with a one night stand.

Oh that's a lovely ring,
when's the big day?

Weddings on the twelfth, Ardley Hall,

and you won't believe the ceremony
I've got planned,

oh I was just telling Benita
here about it.

Honestly, I am so excited,

my Ged is a huge Harry Potter fan.

- Is he... a grown man.
- He loves it.

He's read all the books,
he's watched all the films,

he even refers to his you-know-what,
as his magic wand...

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Anyway, err as a surprise
I'm decorating the chapel

at Ardley in a Hogwarts theme.

It's a great idea isn't it?

And the crowning glory and I can
hardly believe I've managed this,

I've hired the North's
only fully trained owl

to swoop down, on cue,
over the guests heads,

and deliver our rings for the vows.

Wow, that's... quite something.

Thank you.

It'll be a hoot, Harry Potter.

You what?

You know Dobby... the elf, thingy.

'Slam my ears in the oven door,
to punish me'.

'Dobby only meant to mutilate Master'.

- OK, enough Dobby...
- The master...

That owl's gonna be the centre piece
of the whole wedding.

It's gonna be the most perfect day.

What happens if the owl doesn't perform?

Well it will perform,
or it gets 'disciplined'.

And I've got a rehearsal
with the handler, so...

Yeah. Right. Well err.

Sounds like it's gonna
be the most wonderful day.

Erm yeah nice to see yer.
We'll leave you to it.

- Bye.
- Bye.

You didn't get to the hair.

f*ck the hair, she won't get married
without that owl.

[PLAYFUL TENSE MUSIC]

Here we go. Right that's him there.

That's the poor twat who's marrying
Mrs Bishop. Christ Almighty...

Flashy c**t.

Exactly that, yes, and we have
reason to suspect,

that he frequents massage parlours

and occasionally uses
yer casual sex worker.

- Oh yeah.
- How do you know that?

- Because we're professionals.
- So how do we know that?

- We through his bins.
- Went through his bins.

Now listen, we can't just go
assuming, we need a bit of proof.

We're gonna send our mate
in, Rory Finnegan, to entrap him.

Alright. Who is Rory Finnegan?

That's the website done.

Now you need to make a date
with Mrs Bishop's fiance.

My name is err Jeremy Chandler.

I'm the senior assistant of
Rory Finnegan

of Finnegan Enterprises Dubai,

my company is looking to set up
a very large leisure centre

over there and would like to raise
it's profile here in the UK.

WOMAN: Dubai, you say?

You're very welcome to check out
our website of course,

but we would prefer to meet
Mr Baldwin in person

to discuss the potential
of his involvement

in this exciting new venture.

Right here, we've got
a High Def WIFI IP camera.

Cystal-clear sound.

And the final piece of the puzzle.

...the room key.

[SOFT HIP-HOP MUSIC]

[SOFT CONVERSATION]

♪ Kneecap: Better Way to Live ♪

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[MUSIC FADES, ENDS]

Oh Mr Baldwin, I presume.

Rory Finnegan MBE,

but I don't like
to talk about my titles.

It's a delight to meet you.

Come in. [CHUCKLES]

- Shall we?
- Yes.

[BIRD CALLS]
[SOFT SECRETIVE MUSIC]

Right, now are you gonna be
OK as getaway driver?

Only, statistically,
women are safer drivers than men.

Oh really? Are they?
Well, statistically...

♪ Motorhead: Ace of Spades ♪
[ENGINE ROARS]

♪ If you like to gamble...

[TYRES SQUEAL]

♪ You win some, lose some,
it's all the same to me

[MUSIC ENDS]

Well you asked for that.

♪ The White Stripes: Seven Nation Army ♪

♪ I'm gonna fight 'em off

♪ A seven nation army couldn't
hold me back

♪ They're gonna rip it off

♪ Takin' their time right behind my back

[AIR HISSING]

♪ And I'm talkin' to myself at night
Because I...

Now you leave the owl to me,
because I watched a YouTube video

last night and I know
what I'm doing, OK.

You ready. One, two...

f*ck sake...

Sarah Cheeseman.

- Yes?
- Good afternoon.

[SPRAY HISSES]
[SCREAMS]

sh*t.

[CRYING OUT]
[FIGHTING]

[CRIES OUT]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

JJ. JJ. JJ give me a hand here!

[YELPS]

Ow, my f*cking eyes.

What the f*ck JJ.
[OWL SCREECHES]

No no no no no, down...

Get it you f*cking idiot.

[WHACK] [SPLAT]

MAN: Oh, my eyes.

f*ck. [SCREAMING]

What happened?

Nothing. Err it's still breathing.

- Right let's go!
- I can't see.

f*ck sake. Hold my jacket.

f*cking hell...

['Seven Nation Army' CONTINUES]

Thought you lot were professionals.
What have you done to it?

- It's resting.
- Get in.

Get in!

[ENGINE STARTS, ROARS]

[MUSIC FADES, ENDS]

..there would be trips to and from,
for yourself and your colleagues...

...but essentially what we're looking
for old chap is a UK based

promotional agency to help us...

Oh I am starving. What did you bring?

Right, well listen I don't know
your tastes do I,

so I just got a selection.
I got ham, cheese

and the old reliable tuna sweetcorn.

Oh I f*cking hate tuna.
You can't take that...

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t...
f*ck, where is he going?

He's going in the f*cking room.

- Distract him.
- f*ck's sake. I'll handle it

Don't go.

Oh mate, mate, sorry,
there's just been a little bit of

a misunderstanding about the room,
erm...

[CRACK]

- Oh.
- Oh... Now we're talking! [LAUGHS]

Bit over-zealous, but err...
very effective.

[PHONE LINE RINGING]

SARAH: Hello, who is this?

[DISTORTED] We've got your...

I can't hear a word that you're saying.

I said: we have your owl.

Towel?

No, f*cking forget it.
Postpone the wedding!

Or the owl gets it!

Just to be clear, we're not
actually k*lling the owl.

I'll k*ll you before I'll k*ll the owl.

- Argh.
- Oh sorry.

Excuse you.

You look like a man who knows
how to enjoy himself.

Ahah. You've got that right.

We're men of means, men of the world,

what say we find ourselves
a couple of companions

for the rest of evening.

- Unfortunately, Rory...
- Yeah?

- ...those days are behind me.
- Oh.

I've met a wonderful woman
and I'm getting hitched.

Yeah, well, what the eye doesn't see...

...the heart can't mourn.

- [LAUGHS] No.
- No?

No, no, no.

What happens in Hawley stays in Hawley.

- Daphne's a f*cking catch.
- Is she?

Oh yeah, let me tell you.

Amazing in the bedroom.

What she can do with her tongue.

- Yes?
- ...must be laws against it.

[LAUGHS]
[BURPS, GRIMACES]

So apart from the occasional
condom wank.

[SNIFFS]
[RETCHES]

I'm a one woman man.

Have fun. [LAUGHS]

See yer.

Sorry lads. I tried everything,

but there's no chance
he's cheating on Mrs B.

- He is smitten, this lad.
- We saw.

- What is youse all smiling for?
- Look at his face.

Look at his little face.
You don't know, do you?

No.
[LAUGHS]

Excellent work fella.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

Yeah. Go Ashley.

[CHAMPAGNE POPS]

You got me my venue!

I hope you have the most wonderful day.

♪ Black Rebel Motorcycle Club:
Spread Your Love ♪

Release the hounds.

[GLASSES CLINK]

[TAPE WHIRRS]

Fabulous money making caper
but have you ever flown, COME FLY?

The people on that airline...

..it's like a Rochdale nightclub
at throwing out time,

hideously ugly people
going on hen do's and lads weekends.

Mick the builder, with his tats
and his big tit girlfriend.

They haven't got three brain
cells between them.

COME FLY: taking hideously dumb
chavs abroad since 1982.

[LAUGHING]

Stop! Stop!

♪ Fly. Fly, fly, fly...

A prominent PR mogul has resigned
today after making a series

of disparaging remarks about
the customers of one of

his biggest clients.

Earlier today, a private
conversation was published in

which Kenton Baldwin made
a series of shocking comments

about customers...

['Spread Your Love' CONTINUES]

[FLAPPING]

[EXCITED CHATTER]
[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC FADES, ENDS]

Hey up me duck, err here I am,
guess where?

Ireland. With me wife Carol,

she wants to show me
where she grew up, and err...

She says we might even meet
a leprechaun if we're lucky...

Oh yes, we'll probably see
some leprechauns.

But they'll probably
be cobbling their shoes.

Cobbling their little boots.
Or is it a joke.

Anyway I love you man and err,
don't die or anything.

Oh he's a f*cking heart breaker.

[SOFT CHUCKLE]

What do you think then?

I think you've done a good job.

I am concerned your dad might not
approve with your career choices.

Oh f*ck him. My dad's a c**t.

You have a lot more in common with
him, than you know.

God.

What the f*ck...

Urg... Just I'm sorry,
hang on a minute. Be back.

Davey.

Not me Guvnor.

Davey, what the f*ck are you doing, man?

Now the name is Alfred. Alfred Barnard.

[LOW, TENSE MUSIC]

How are you gonna afford this?

Therein lies a very cunning plan.

Which involves me going
for a four days...

[CHEERING]
..to Dusseldorf.

You are here for the bukkake.

- Yeah right. Yeah.
- What's the worst that can happen.

No no no no no.

- You didn't take the insurance?
- No.

[SCREAMING]
[GAS HISSING]

You mention bukkake
one more f*cking time.

Fingering fish again?