07x03 - Skool Reunion

[bunniefuu]

♪ DR DRE FT SNOOP DOGG:
The Next Episode ♪

RONNIE: 'The thing about life...

...you've got to grab it
by the f*cking ba*ls.

At the end of the day, there's
two types of people in this world.

There's the f*cking losers.

And there's the f*cking winners.

And Ronnie Croft...

...Ronnie Croft is a f*cking winner.'

Satisfied?

Oh, I won't be satisfied until you...

take me, right here, right now.

[GASPS]

[ECHOING] CARL: Wake up!

Wake up! [LOCK CLICKS, DOOR CREAKS]

I said wake up!

Get your things.
You're going home, you loser.

♪ BARRETT STRONG:
Money [That's What I Want] ♪

♪ The best things in life are free... ♪

You filthy deviants,
who's ready to party like it's 2006?


how long ago we were at school?

- Yeah.
- We're old, mate. We're very old.

Tommo, why do you need a business card?

Jesus f*cking Christ. Have you not noticed,
we're ba*ls deep in a f*cking rebrand, love.

Have you not seen your mother?
She's a Bavarian beer wench. Look.

Come on, give us a jiggle.
Lovely. Too much jiggle.

Now that Ernst is a secret investor.

I've had to German the place up
a bit, ain't I?

Bring in new faces
through the door, crucially,

because I don't want to remind you,
but er...

I am the man voted most likely
to be a millionaire in Year 11.

And the man that shat himself in Year 8.

- Shut up and have your shots.
- Yes!

- Cheers!
- Slainte, to your health.

[ALL TOASTING]

[EXHALES] Oh, my God, I'm so excited!

You didn't even go to our school.
[LAUGHS]

Yeah, well, a night out's a night
out, innit! Hey, is Vin not coming?

No, it's too painful, you know,
going back without Dylan.

Yeah.

- JJ!
- Mm.

What's wrong with you?

Sonny's ill, so I was just up all night.

Listen, are you sure you just
don't wanna go on your own?

This is the first night out
we've had in ages.

You promised me a good night!

Yeah, J, stop your whining
and get a bratwurst down your mouth!

Got yourself a semi. [LAUGHTER]Oh!

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- f*ck me.

f*ck thee right off out of it!

- No, have you told him we're here?
- No, it wasn't me.

Why didn't you tell me
that you was in town.

- Because why would I?
- Why would she?

[LAUGHTER]

- You wouldn't. You wouldn't.
- Do you know what?

I'll just be happy
to accept my bag of gifts,

and I'll be on my f*cking way, OK?

- What are you on about?
- Come on, Erin.

It's Ronnie Croft's


[SINGSONGY] Yeah,
it's Ronnie Croft's birthday today.

So me and you, why don't we go out,
we'll have a nice little dance,

we'll paint the town blue. Come on.

- Fine. Fine.
- No. Erin.

- It's his birthday.
- A key component...

of going back to your old school
and proving to everyone...

that you are
in fact now a very, very big dog...

is to not bring a...

[INHALES] ...c**t like
Ronnie Croft with yer.

Whoa, wait. What do you mean
you're going back to school?

- Why you going back to school?
- It's a school reunion.

Right, technically,
he did go to that school,

so he is allowed to go.

- I'd just rather he didn't.
- Erin!

But listen to me now, right...

you do not embarrass me tonight.

When have I ever embarrassed you?

♪ BLONDIE: Heart Of Glass

- Has it always been this sh*t?
- What is that smell?

That, Ashley, is Tippex and semen -
the scent of youth.

- Let's. Get. Smashed! Come on, JJ!
- What? Sugar.

Come on!

- Hey, that's...
- Hello.

Ashley Dennings, as I live and breathe.

Or should I say
Hawley's answer to Marlon Brando?

[CHUCKLES] Mrs Waif.

My old drama teacher.

How art thou? [CHUCKLES]

Come on, let's have a drink. Come on.

All right.

[MICROWAVE DINGS, 'ALBATROSS' PLAYS]
WOMAN: And when your pastry...

is all golden and tight over your meat,

reach in and slide her out
of the oven.[GROANS]

[SNIFFS] [SINGSONGY] Sickness! f*ck me.

- DAVEY: Vincent.
- Whoa, yer f*ck...!

f*cking hell! Christ.

Amish Fagin.
That was really f*cking unkind.

I mean, what am I
f*cking gonna do now, there?

Well, you pick it up, and you eat it.

The world is on fire, Vincent.

Humanity has gone to sh*t.

And we don't need you
wasting good pies, now, do we?

No.

Now, be a good boy,
and grab us a couple of forks.

There's been a development with Kittens.

♪ JUNIOR SENIOR: Move Your Feet ♪

So after the buyout, me and the wife
decided to up sticks...

half our time here,
half our time in New York.

Oh, yes, New York.
I'm er... I'm always over there

Really? Which bit?

Just er... everywhere. [MUTTERS]

What about business?
Not still flogging gobstoppers?

[LAUGHTER] Oh, no.

I'm a long way past
confectionary now, sweetheart. Yes.

I actually own the Rat And Cutter
in town. Yeah. Yeah.

Also I recently acquired
a gastro establishment.

[JOLLY BRASS MUSIC]
Right, who wants another bratwurst?

Big plans. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] [IRRITATED LAUGH]

I think about your performance
in Evita once a week.

Those thighs really did
tell a thousand words.

- Tell me you still perform?
- Oh, well.

I've been developing
a YouTube personality...

- YouTube?
- Yeah.

With thighs like those...

...that body was destined
to be in a leotard,

on a stage, Ashley.

- ERIN: Tommo. Tommo!
- What, what?

- Is that Bruno Hodge?
- Ohh...

Remember the nutter that set fire
to all those bins?

Mm. Oh. Smile, Erin. You don't want him
to hang rats outside your house.

[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]
Hello, Bruno! You all right?

No. Come on.

So that's like actual fruit, yeah?
That's all right, innit?

[MAN LAUGHS] What you saying, lad?
f*cking hell.

[YELPS, GASPS] Ah!

Ronnie!

f*ck, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[PANTING] [MUFFLED MUSIC]

f*ck sake.

I weren't nicking anything.
[STAMMERS] I wanted to put...

No. No. No. No. I don't give a sh*t.
I don't give a f*ck.

There's nowt here, anyway. Just a...

packet of ciggies and a book
on overcoming intrusive thoughts.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

- You're Declan Duggan, aren't you?
- You what?

Declan Duggan. [MOUTHING]

Harper Long. We used to sit next
to each other in food technology.

No, I'm Declan D...
Yeah. That's me. Yeah.

I er... I heard
you're really successful now.

- Hedge fund manager or summat?
- I'm a hedge fund manager, yeah.

There's just hedges all over
the gaff. I trim 'em, I water them.

I kind of just like tend to them
et cetera, and so on, basically.

- That's really impressive.
- Thank you very much.

I love a man
who can manage a good hedge.

[YELPS]

[GASPS] Oh, my f*cking God.

This is suddenly the best birthday
of all time. [GROANS]

Meet me in the science lab, ten minutes.

[GASPS]

[FAINT MUSIC] [SOFTLY] f*cking hell.

He's deigned...

to offer a peace meeting, tomorrow, 7pm,

eighth floor of the JSB car park
in Manchester.

A car park?

Well, what did you expect, sweetheart?

Patricia's Patisserie?

She charges extra for oat milk.

All I'm saying is a car park...

it doesn't feel peace-ish.

It feels a little bit...
It feels a bit stabby.

Exactly.

Which is why I need you
to drive me there.

No!

Besides, that is
only the first half of my plan.

What's the second half?

[CHUCKLES]

Just in case Miss Kittens
decides to do something stupid...

...you're my back-up.

Oh, f*ck! Now...

No, dude. Christ on a f*cking bike.

No! I am Zen now, all right?

Crystals and stupid sh*t like that. Zen.

Zen. Look, green tea.

You owe me, Vincent, you owe me!

Do you remember?

I did not save your life
just for you to be ungrateful.

Now, I'll be back tomorrow afternoon.

Just make sure that you're ready to go.

Mm.

So what about Mrs Longworth -
is she still here?

Yeah.

- She's dead too.
- BOTH: Ah.

They're all dead now. Mr Altbury.

Mr Jackson. Mr Trealty.

At least you're not dead! [CHUCKLES]

Oh, I...
I'm waiting on some test results.

Oh, God.

Talking about death, I...

I was sorry to hear about
Dylan's passing.

- Aw. Thank you. That's kind.
- I actually have something of his.

If you want to see.

He mapped out every major star and comet

and where they would be seen from Earth.

- Oh.
- [GASPS]

He spent nearly every afternoon
of Year 11 working on it.

Oh, so that's where he spent
most of his time that year, then?

Yeah, now I feel bad for starting that
rumour he was shagging the librarian.

- You started it?!
- Yeah.

Angela had a disciplinary hearing.

She's still got it on her record!

Oh. Sorry. Sorry.

Ah, that is special.

We submitted his chart to the...

National Astronomy Society competition.

And he won. Got a star named after him!

- Aw. The Dylan Golding star.
- Hidden talents.

You should have all of this,
as the people closest to him.

Remind yourselves
just how bright that boy was.

- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Thank you.
- Thanks, yeah.

Aw. [GASPS]

Oh, yes. Well,
he really was a wonderful artist.

- Hm.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Detailed.
- Yeah, detailed, yeah. Bulbous.

- Oh, yeah. Thats it!
- HARPER: Oh, my God!

Who's your daddy? Who's your boss?!

- Yeah!
- Hit me.

Yeah. What?

- f*cking hit me.
- Hit yer?

Slap me.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- [MOANS] Harder.

- Grab my ba*ls. Grab my ba*ls.
- Harder! f*ck!

Ooh, f*cking hell!
Have you got three hands?

['LE FREAK' BY CHIC PLAYING]

His dancing is so bad
it's making me feel nauseous.

Literally nauseous, like... Ohh.

- This is the best night of my life!
- Honestly, Sugar.

Having that baby has seriously
distorted your concept of fun.

- [CHUCKLES] JJ! Let's do shots!
- No.

- Come on! Shots!
- She's like a f*cking machine.

[LAUGHS] Oh, oh.
Drama teacher, eleven o'clock.

- Quarter past eleven.
- Brace yourself.

- Yeah. Half eleven.
- Yeah, I've got it, Erin.

Ashley.

You'll never believe what's happened.

Mr Gibbons, my duet partner,

has been involved in a pile-up
on the M60!

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

We practised all week.

Mrs Waif... fret not.

The show will go on.

Really? Show me my mark!

OK. This way. Thank you.

Go on, Ashley.

That woman is an apex predator.

[TOOTS FAINTLY]

Oh, my God.

- Apparently, he bummed a dog.
- Yeah, he bums poodles. Yeah.

Poodles. I kind of get it
with the poodles.

- Do yer?
- Yeah.

You think it's, like,
the curly hair and that?

Oi, oi! It is you!

It's Runty Ronnie! I thought that
was you earlier, scurrying off!

[LAUGHS]

How's it going, Runty?

It's Declan, actually. And he's
way more successful than you, TJ.

You think this is Declan? No!

No, this is Ronnie f*cking Croft!
[CHUCKLING]

Been telling porkies? Always was
a little bullshitter.

f*ck off...

TJ, yeah? Just f*ck off.

- What?!
- I said f*ck off, TJ.

- Oh, you look like you wanna hit me.
- I wanna hit you, yeah.

- Then fight me.
- Yeah.

- Do you want to fight me, Runty?
- No.

- f*ck off! [LAUGHS]
- Oh, f*ck me.

Someone's had a bit too much to drink!

Ronnie!

- f*ck!
- Sorry, TJ.

['HOT IN HERRE' BY NELLY PLAYING]

Oh, you f*cking c...

Oh, you f*cking... [SIGHS]

f*cking c**t!

Tough night?

Why do men have to be f*cking dickheads?

TJ f*cking Thompson.
He's been the bane of my life.

Bullied me from f*cking day one, man.

But it's not like
he didn't get enough out of me

when we was at school.

He used to lock me
in the f*cking basement every day!

I know how you feel, pal.

I was bullied here too.

I came here tonight to confront
the dickhead who made my life hell.

f*ck didn't turn up.

Waited years.

Just wanted to fight back.

Eh! That's it. That's it.

Fight back.
f*cking fight back, for once.

I wanna f... Do you know what,
I'd f*cking k*ll him if I could.

I f...

But you can't, can you?

You've got a motive.
Everyone'd know it was you.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, well,
everyone... Yeah, of course.

Ronnie Crofty! Blame Ronnie Croft.

Maybe I should do it for you?

I was in the year above.
No-one would know it was me.

Hey.

I could get TJ...

and you could get mine.

Hey, wouldn't it be good,
to just f*cking... win?

You know what, you're f*cking right,
there. You're f*cking right, there.

That's it. It's about
winning f*cking once, innit?

It's a f*cking great plan, that, you.

MRS WAIF: [ON PA] Class of 2006!

What a night we've had, eh!

And I've just had some good news
from the hospital about Mr Gibbons.

No internal bleeding.

SUGAR: Woo!

And stepping in for him
tonight, I just want you to...

put your hands together
for the most amazing...

Ashley Dennings!

[FAINT APPLAUSE] [LIGHTS CLANK]

[SOFTLY] Oh, f*ck this.

Yeah. Bravo.

['DON'T TOUCH ME THERE'
BY THE TUBES PLAYS] Oh, baby.

Move closer to me.

Place your chest against mine.

Feel my heart beat!

Oh, baby. I love how that belt fits.

The way it hangs so low.

So low on your hips, my darling.

I want you so.

Your body gives me such a thrill...

as it leans against mine.

- I love how it feels...
- Oh, God!

..as you lean against mine.

BOTH: ♪ The smell of burning leather

♪ As we hold each other tight

♪ As our rivets rub together

♪ Flash of sparks into the night

♪ Darling, if you really care for me

♪ Let me say it now

♪ Don't touch me there...

[LAUGHS] ♪ Don't touch me there

♪ Don't touch me there

♪ Don't touch me there... ♪

[FAINT MUSIC AND SINGING FROM INSIDE]

[GASPS]

Yes. Yes. Yes. Morning. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.
All the f*cking g*ng's here, yeah?

No?

[MUTTERS]

What? What? Oi!

What are you playing at?

Is he becoming a regular fixture now?
I never agreed to that.

Oh, my God, have you heard?

Apparently, that TJ Thompson
never made it home last night.

They think something's happened
to him. They found a bloody trail!

You know, like a trail of blood.
[MUSIC DISTORTS]

[ECHOING] I could get TJ,
and you could get mine.

[DOOR OPENS] ERIN: f*cking hell!

What you doing?! [DOOR CLOSES]

Right, do you know TJ? He's
gone f*cking missing.

- Has he?
- Yep.

What's it got to do with you

OK, I was talking with this...

fella last night, and I was saying
I wanted summat bad...

to happen to TJ, like... [EXHALES]

- Right.
- He goes, 'I'll do that for yer.

But you've gotta do summat
to some fella for me.'

For me. What are you talking about?

- What fella?
- I don't f*cking know!

But I'm now thinking
he's f*cking done summat.

He's probably waiting for me
to go and do summat for him...

in return of the expectation
of f*cking...

No. No. No, Ronnie, think about it.

No-one expects anything from you.

Yeah. [EXHALES] Yeah.

You'd have to be nuts, wouldn't ya,
to ask me to do summat for ya?

Yeah.

Erin, you do make me feel better,
like, a lot of the time.

All right.

- Yeah.
- OK, go on.[MUTTERS]

- Don't worry, we weren't shagging.
- Right.

- We're just...
- Stop saying weird sh*t like that.

Oh. Good morning, all.

I'm going to need all of you
down at the station...

to discuss last night and anything
you know about TJ Thompson.

[TENSE MUSIC]

- Erin Croft?
- Yeah.

Come with me.

[SOFTLY] What's going on? Just ask.

[WHISPERS] f*cking hell.

Right, I'll be...
I have to sign in. Ronnie Croft.

If that's his real name.

Oh, it is.
He's literally in here all the time.

- Theft. Drunk and disorderly.
- Yeah.

- Affray.
- Yeah. Wasn't charged, though, was I?

- f*ck sake.
- Harper? Harper?

Oh, f*ck me.

Last night,
all that f*cking drunken chat,

about how we wanna get TJ f*cked up.

Cos I'm on, like,
my final f*cking warning here.

Oh, aye, yeah, of course.

OK, so we've got f...

f*ck all to do with that shite?

A drunken mouth speaks a sober
heart, Ronnie. We all know that.

[GASPS]

He's still alive, just incapacitated.

For now.

I didn't have anything to do with
it. This is you - a one-man show.

What about the bit
where you said you'd k*ll him?

No, cos you're just putting words
in my f*cking mouth there.

'Do you know what,
I'd f*cking k*ll him if I could.'

- Now what?
- Oh, Ronnie.

You really think I didn't make a copy?

- You made a f*cking copy, didn't ya?
- See, here's the thing.

You're gonna do your end of the bargain,

cos that's what's fair, isn't it?

I got yours, and you're gonna get mine.

I've waited a long time
for my vengeance, Ronnie.

And if you don't do it, then...

...well, that recording's gonna go
straight into the inbox of Carl Slater.

- You're a f*cking psychopath.
- [CHUCKLES]

And you're a f*cking loser.

I've done you a favour.

I'm the only person
to ever do anything for you.

Why do you think that is?

It's cos no-one cares about you, flower.

♪ KINGS OF LEON: Closer ♪
So, you're welcome.

Hey, you keep schtum...

..and I'll see you outside, c*ck.

[MUTTERS]

f*ck.

So.

Good night last night? [EXHALES]

[MUTTERS]

I'm sure I saw a bit of a row
between you and TJ.

Er... No. No.

A little tiff by the punch bowl?

No.

Interesting, because...

- do you know what I'm thinking?
- Is it about bumming a dog?

[MUSIC FADES]
I think last night, you snapped.

I think after the reunion...

...you decided to get your own back
after TJ humiliated you.

No.

I know you've got
something to do with this.

I'm on to you, Ronnie.

[EXHALES]

- Well?
- What do you mean...?

I didn't f*cking say anything, OK?

Good boy. Smart move.

I just want this over with.

Right, OK, then.
So who do you want me to get?

Vincent... O...

Neill.

[WHISPERS] Oh, for f*ck's sake.

sh*t.

Right, are you sure you mean
f*cking Vinnie?

He's not a bad lad, you know?
He's a f*cking d*ck, but he's soft.

He's soft. He's like f*cking
heavily tattooed margarine.

You don't know what he did to me!

It was 2006.

Year 11.

['LAST NITE' BY THE STROKES PLAYING]

JJ. [CHUCKLING]

Vincent. Dylan. Quiet, please,
or I will send you out.

'It was a particularly hot day,
and Mrs Sklode was looking...

..sublime as always.

So I rushed to tend to myself.

When I heard a voice.
The voice of an angel.'

ALLURING VOICE: Bruno? Are you OK?

You should be in my room right now.
[MOANS]

- Is that you, Mrs Sklode?
- Yes, it's me.

Oh, Bruno. You naughty boy.

You really shouldn't be doing that
without my help! [MOANS]

'It was the most profound
sexual experience I've ever had.

And it was all a lie.' [LAUGHTER]

You naughty, naughty boy, Bruno, lad!

[SOUND ECHOES AND DISTORTS]

And I've been haunted by that voice
ever since, Ronnie.

- Just watch the road, mate.
- I've lost all confidence.

The few times I did get with a girl,
I couldn't focus.

I can't even get hard any more, Ronnie.

Oh. [HORN HONKS]

- And it's all because of Vincent...
- [SOFTLY] f*ck!

..O... Neill, and the way his...

...his tongue danced on those vowels.

Now, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to film him...

w*nk*ng.

[STAMMERS] Why?

That's right, I want Vincent O'Neill
with his todger out.

And let's see how he likes having
his personal preferences broadcast.

Eh? Eh? [HORN HONKS]

Yeah.

- There you are.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What is this stinky vibe
you're bringing in here?

I know this sounds ridiculous,

but I think our Ronnie is about to
do something really f*cking stupid.

Last night, he got talking to
someone and made this drunken deal

about getting revenge on TJ Thompson.

- And now TJ's missing.
- Exactly.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Since when've we
started bandying around words like revenge?

I mean, it's a bit Agatha Christie,
isn't it?

It was just a drunken chat,
was it not? He didn't actually do it.

Well, the deal was made
with Bruno Hodge.

- Ooh.
- I've just seen Ronnie getting into his car.

- Oh, God.
- I think he's taken TJ as leverage.

Until Ronnie does whatever f*cked-up
thing Bruno wants him to do.

Right. Yes. No, I hear you.

And I very, very much
am trying me best to care.

- But obviously, it is Ronnie, in't it?
- Yes. Yes.

[EXCLAIMS] Tommo, it is Ronnie!

But he's still my f*cking brother.

I don't want Carl Slater pinning it
on him cos he's an easy target.

- Yeah, OK. What do you want us to do?
- I think we should go Bruno's house.

We can start there
and work out where Bruno's put him.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

He's not bloody in.

[INTERCOM BUZZING]
WOMAN: [ON INTERCOM] Hello?

Hello there. This is
Dawson's Plumbings And Fittings.

Your landlord's called us to say
you can't access your water meter.

- The thing about the water meter...
- [INTERCOM CHIMES]

- Et voila.
- Well done!

OK.

- Avanti.
- Yeah.

- Watch out, lads, I need a run up.
- Just try the handle.

Oh. Would you look at that.

There we go.

Come on.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Oh!

ALL: What the f*ck?

VINNIE. sh*t. [CURTAIN SLIDES]

What the f*ck?! Get the f*ck...!

- [GROANS]
- Ronnie. Get the f*ck out!

Unbelievable! Do you know what I'd like?

To be able to come home and not be
accosted in my own f*cking house!

You accosted me,
f*cking Kevin Accostner.

How have I f*cking Kevin Accosted
you if you're in my f*cking cupboard?

I wandered in. I comes in.

I think, 'How's my mate Vinnie doing?'

No, you didn't. You're just
so full of f*cking sh*t. Ronnie.

Why would I be mates with a c**t
like you? You're hard work. f*ck off.

I kind of wish
people'd stop saying that, mate.

Cos it's f*cking getting to me
a little bit.

I get it. No-one f*cking likes me.

Thought you were meant to be all
about the mental health stuff now.

Right. All right. Fair enough.
Yeah. I'm so... Yeah. I'm sorry.

- There we go.
- Tell me what's going on?

Can I have a little film of you
having a masturbate, please?

What the f*ck is wrong with you, dude?!

No, you can't film me
having a f*cking wank!

- Vin. Vin.
- Get out, Ron.

What if I just
give you a little helping hand?

Weird. No, Ronnie. Dude.
Take it as f*cking no, dude!

Just do it. Just do it.
My willy's come out, you...!

Ooh, hello, am I interrupting something?

- Nothing major to be honest.
- Are you ready to go, Vincent?

- 100%. Can't wait to get out of here.
- [SOFTLY] OK, please.

- No, weird. All of it. Disturbing.
- I'm not doing...

- I am gonna get...
- Get the f*ck out, dude!

- Vin. Oh, f*ck.
- He told you to get out.

- So f*ck off.
- Is he f*cking about?

- He said f*ck off.
- Is that a real g*n?!

- Yes. [SIGHS]
- f*ck me.

- Get your coat. It's cold out.
- All right.

You look well without that beard.

- ♪ JOHNNY CASH: Wheel Of Fire ♪
- Hurry up, Vincent.

I cannot be late. Kittens will see
this as a slight. Do you capiche?

- [NOISY CLUNKING]
- Oh, sh*t.

Oh, no.

What's happening? Why have you stopped?

Why have you stopped? I'm gonna be late.

I don't f*cking know, dude. It's
making a noise.

[ENGINE SPLUTTERS]

[YELLS] You had one job!

One f*cking job! That was the deal.

Yeah, and he f*cking...
He said... He said no.

He said no, Bruno,
so what do you want me to do?

Force a man to have a f*cking wank?

So just f*cking take me to TJ now,

or I'm gonna go full-on
f*cking Ronnie Croft.

All right.

- I'll take you to him now.
- I'll get in the car, then.

Respect.

There's no f*cking reception.

- Piss!
- f*ck.

What are we gonna do, sweetheart?

[THUNDER RUMBLES] Oh. Oh.

- Argh. It's that fat rain.
- Can this day get any worse?!

Oi, oi. You all right?

Do we look all right?

Well, any ideas?

Yeah. The alternator
can't return power to the battery.

It's f*cked.

f*cking hell.

Going to town if that helps.

- Mm.
- Well...

[MUMBLES]

Listen. If you wanna make that peace
meeting, we have to go with them.

[GROWLS]

Just don't breathe a word
about what we're up to.

And if you need to mention Kittens,
then...

say the word 'doggies'...
or 'puppies'. Puppies.

- Nice. Puppies. We'll do that.
- Are you in or out?

In.

It's terrifying.

The inner workings
of a bona fide fruitcake.

There's no-one here, lads.
I've checked everywhere.

There's nothing here, just a load of...

creepy old bric-a-brac, but I feel off.

I feel like there's someone watching me.

No, settle, petal.
All right, Ashley, look.

In the immortal words of Tiffany...
'I think we're alone now' You see?

There's no-one here. Don't worry
about it. We are absolutely alone.

Everything is completely... fine.

[ALL YELLING]

VINNIE: So what are you two up to, then?

Oh, we got a big job.

But I can't tell you what it is yet.

Yeah, cos we don't know what it is yet.

It's for my uncle, though,
and he won't disappoint.

- What about you two?
- We are off to see a puppy.

Puppy? Oh, what kind of puppy?

One that does as it's told.

Oh, sh*t. [TYRES SCREECH]

f*ck!

- Get the f*ck out of road!
- Fay, don't shout at her! She's old.

Well, just hang on.

Are we not gonna f*cking stop for her?

- No.
- Come on.

Dude, it's an old lady
in the middle of the road.

- It's pissing it down.
- Vincent. I cannot be late.

- It's f*cking biblical!
- Oh, fine.

f*ck-ety fine. Pick her up.
Pick the bloody damsel up.

The more the bloody merrier.
Just hurry the f*ck up.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.
This better be quick.

Thank you so much for stopping.

Hey, you're all right, love.
Don't worry about it.

Listen, where are you headed?
Are you going back to Hawley?

Oh, no.

I'm going home to surprise
my boyfriend in Manchester.

- But I missed the bus.
- [LAUGHS] Yes.

You minx. We're going that way.
We'll drop you.

- Really?
- Really?!

What about the puppies, Vincent?!

- It's on the way.
- Yeah, well, it better be.

My uncle hates people being late.

[SIGHS]

- [SOFTLY] Oh, f*cking hell.
- What's up, c*ck?

It's just the school basement.

I just did what
you wanted me to do, Ronnie.

I just did what TJ used to do to you.

Or we could keep him down there?

No. No, no, no, no. We've got to erm...

We've got to go...
We've got to go and get him.

You're the boss, Ronnie Croft.

[SOFTLY] Oh, f*ck it.

[DOOR SLIDES OPEN]

Oi! What on earth
is she doing in there? Hm?

I mean, did she expire mid-excretion?

She's old, isn't she? It just
takes a bit longer, don't it?

Well, she's been at it


- [SIGHS]
- And 'en route', my arsehole.

This is making me very late
for my meeting.

All right, chill out. We're late too.

Anyway, I thought
you were going to see a puppy.

Yes, I am. A very important puppy.

Right, come on. We're ditching her.
In the van, chop chop.

Er... No. We're not ditching her
in the middle of nowhere.

Well, fetch her, then.

All right. f*cking hell.

- Oh, here she is.
- Oh.

Hello, my dear.
I do hope we're not rushing you.

Thank you so much for this.

- You've all gone out of your way.
- Oh, no, no, not at all.

[LAUGHS] [GASPS]

You know, you've got beautiful eyes.

I can tell there's a kind man in there.

Nobody's said that to me before.

But you're lonely, aren't you?

My brother died.

I've known grief too.
But you have to let it go.

Right, well.
Enough of this little interlude, hm?

We'd better get you delivered
to your sweetheart.

[CHUCKLES]

Right. Here we are.

Let's see how he likes it.
[TJ WHIMPERING]

[WHIMPERS] Oh, f*ck.

[SOBS] What the f*ck is wrong with you?

♪ JOY DIVISION: Shadowplay ♪
[GRUNTS] f*cking hell!

[SOBS]

You two need to spend
some quality time together anyway.

[DOOR SLAMS, LOCK CLICKS]

f*ck!

♪ ..where all roads meet
waiting for you...

[PHONE CHIMES]

♪ To the depths of the ocean
where all hope sank searching for you

♪ I was moving through the silence
without motion... ♪

ASHLEY: She does look a bit like him.

I don't f*cking know, mate.
All nans look the same to me.

No offence, love.

There you go, Margaret.

Oh, lovely.

Right, we best get going.

- Hm.
- Yeah.

Shall we?

I don't want this flavour!

Oh, I'm sorry,
that's the only flavour you've got -

BRUNO: Well, sh*t in your hands
and clap them too.

- Argh!
- Bruno? Is that you?

- Where is he?
- [THROUGH SPEAKER] Up here.

Oh, I can see you all.

You think you can
just break into my flat, do you?

- Well, I tell you what.
- Bruno.

- I don't want this pea soup.
- f*ck.

It's full of fibre, Nan.
It's good for your bowels.

Yeah!

You need to pack it in. And you need
to leave my brother out of this.

I was offering your brother
a chance for vengeance.

All those years of being locked up
in the school cupboard by TJ.

Years of being bullied
and humiliated by him.

- And he still doesn't want revenge.
- What are you on about?

What, our Ronnie was getting bullied?

[SCOFFS] Come on, it's not exactly
a f*cking plot twist, is it, Erin?

It's Ronnie. Ronnie! Ronnie! [LAUGHS]

Now, listen up, and listen close.

You're gonna bring Vincent O'Neill
to the school.

And if I get a whiff of the police...

I'll burn the whole thing down...

with Ronnie inside.

[LINE CLICKS]

- Not ideal.
- No, we don't want...

It's not ideal, is it?

[TJ MOANS AND WHIMPERS]

f*cking shut up.

Help! Help! Someone help me!

- Someone, please.
- They're not gonna f*cking hear you.

And how the f*ck do you know, Runty?!

- What?
- Help!

- What was that?
- How would I know?

Because you used to f*cking
lock me in here every day.

Yeah, and then
you went and cried about it...

to go-go-gadget f*cking psychopath
out there,

and now we're both gonna f*cking die!

You f*cking b*stard!

- f*ck off!
- You f*cking c...

♪ SAM COOKE: Bring It On Home To Me ♪

We are really late, Vincent.
Has he text back?

Yes. Oh.

Erm... He's saying
we're doing it next week.

It's probably for the best, innit?

Maybe it is, Vincent. Maybe it is.

Hm. Well, at least Mabel will
get lucky tonight. [PHONE CHIMES]

[TUTS] Oh, sh*t, look at all them.

Give me a minute.

[SIGHS] Right. [CLEARS THROAT]

- Oh, it's your Uncle J.
- What?

Says job's been moved to next week.

'Same time, same car park.'

[SIGHS]

I don't know, Fay.
It all just feels a bit dodgy.

No, don't worry. Listen.

My uncle's the big f*cking cheese.
Right?

- No, honestly.
- Right.

- This'll be good for us.
- All right.

It will, it'll be good for us. OK?

ERIN: [ON PHONE] Vinnie?
We're at Sugar's. Where are you?

- What the bloody hell's going on?
- It's Ronnie. He's in trouble.

Course he f*cking... You know
he's been round my gaff this morning,

trying to get me to wank off
in front of him?

What?

Vincent, Tommo here. What kind of wank?

What kind of f*cking question
is that? There's only one wank, dude.

Come on, love, there's... posh.

On your side. Exotic.
Thrust. Reverse thrust.

Cat-cow, that were bigger in the '80s
that one, obviously...

- ...frutti tutti. Malevolent.
- OK.

All right. Vinnie, listen,
he's been set up by Bruno Hodge.

Bruno took TJ, and now he's keeping
them both hostage at the school.

He's obsessed with you.
It's really weird.

- He wants to talk to you.
- Oh, that's fantastic news.

- Shall I see you there, then?
- Oh!

And your classic spit-and-polish.

- Shut up, Tommo!
- Obviously.

- Beginner's one that, in't it?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Entry level.
- I know it well.

- You f*ck!
- Get off!

What... what, I tell a couple of
jokes and pull a couple of pranks,

- and you want me f*cking dead?
- I didn't...

I didn't say dead. [PANTING]

- I heard the recording.
- TJ, I was f*cking angry.

Cos you pulled the same sh*t yesterday

you did on the first day of school,
then every f*cking day after that.

It was just f*cking kids' stuff, Ronnie.

We're not kids any more, are we?

I'm a f*cking person.

[SOFT, MELANCHOLY MUSIC]
I'm a f*cking real person. [SOBS]

I'm not just some f*cking...

runty little f*cking...
smelly f*cking...

sh*t that everyone
can just f*cking kick about

and smack around the head, and
f*cking have a go at all the time.

It's all the f*cking time!

[SNIFFLES] And I know why they do it.

I do, and that's the most annoying part.

It's cos I am a liar.
I am a bullshitter.

But if you've been told
that since day one...

[SNIFFLES]
..that you're f*cking nothing,

that you're a piece of sh*t,

by everyone, all the f*cking time...

then you're gonna start
believing that, aren't ya? [SOBS]

And if you start believing that,
that's what you're gonna be, innit?

- I just wanna point out...
- What?

...the reason I locked you
in that cupboard on day one

is cos you nicked my f*cking wallet.

- Did I?
- Yeah, you did.

Must have forgot about that bit.

And the nickname...

..it's probably the smartest thing
I ever come up with.

And it just stuck.

I'm sorry.

- Hey.
- What?

I'm sorry.

Here.

- I'm sorry.
- All right.

All right.

Right. f*ck this.

- Right. Shall we get out of here?
- [GROANS]

- It's a bit...
- Oh!

- Do you suffer with your back?
- Oh, yeah. When it gets cold, man.

It's just me hips, me.

Go on, you go and twat the door
down, or something.

I'm f*cked. I'm f*cked.
You do it. You do it.

Hello, guys. I'm sorry.

- Where have you been?
- I got stuck with an old lady

about 60 miles away.

- It's a f*cking long story.
- Right, come on. Come on.

Can you smell petrol?

- Where is he?
- I don't know. Oh, Christ.

I'm right here.

Anyone moves, I'll drop the lighter,
and this place'll go up in flames.

- Oh...
- Oh, no.

Now.

Hello, Vincent.

Bruno. Bruno, listen.

I can tell that you're really
f*cking upset, dude. I can tell.

- Upset?
- Yes.

Oh, no, I'm not upset.

- I'm enjoying this.
- Right.

I've waited years for this moment...

to see the fear in your eyes.

Right, it's working. I just...

I wonder whether there might've been
a bit of a misunderstanding gone down.

I don't know what you're after?

- It's you I want.
- Right.

Now, take all your clothes off.

What the f*ck is wrong with everyone?!

Take your f*cking clothes off,
or I'll do something you'll regret!

I'll see this place go up in flames,
I swear down.

I believe you, Bruno.

I believe you. Why the f*ck do you
want me to get me kit off for you?

Cos you must pay.

For f*cking what, Bruno?!

Oh!

- You don't even remember, do you?
- Man, I don't remember sh*t.

I don't remember anything.
I'm f*cking stoned all the time.

[ALL AGREE]

Well, let me
refresh your f*cking memory, then!

- Mm.
- 2006... in the toilets?

You pretended to be Mrs Sklode.

Humiliated me.

I remember it. I remember it.

It weren't me, though, dude.
It was Dylan.

I swear to God, I can't do voices.

- ASH: No. Bad.
- He can't.

- He can't.
- He was good with voices.

It wasn't...

- It wasn't you?
- No!

Well, where the f*ck is he?

Where the f*ck is Dylan?!

- He wasn't here last night.
- He died.

Well... Well, someone pays.

Someone has to pay for what
I've gone through, all my life!

Do you know
how many flaccid nights I've had,

because of you
and your stupid f*cking mate?

- Can't imagine.
- Oi.

- Come on.
- Lot of information, in't it?

Well, it's too bad. Cos I'm not
leaving here until we're even.

I wanna be seen!

[DOOR BANGS OPEN] Bruno!

Oh. Right on cue.

If it isn't Runty Ronnie.

Oi! Only I get to call him that.

You f*cking... You stop now.

Right, Ronnie. Ronnie, don't.
There's petrol all over the floor.

- Someone must pay!
- Enough!

Get a bite of this, ya mad f*ck!

[ALL OOHING] VINNIE: sh*t!

Oh, f*ck!
[IMITATES MISS SKLODE] Hold up!

Yeah, you.

Sexy Mr moustache guy. Hold up.

- Aha! Go on, Ronnie.
- f*cking yes!

- Nice one.
- See that?

- Well in, dude.
- Lovely.

f*ck you.

[SPITS] Dude.

- Get in.
- Good work.

- Check you haven't k*lled him.
- I'll check he's alive.

Oh, here we go. Right, now.

It's only a mock-up, right,
it's only a mock-up.

I got Liz to do a draft
of the poster. What do we think?

Come on, you're a crowd pleaser.
Mrs Waif were right.

- What the f*ck?!
- Lovely. Right?

[EXHALES]

- You all right, Erin?
- You all right?

Mm.

[MUSIC FADES] I just...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for...

just causing this much
of a sh*t stink again.

- I just...
- It's not your fault.

For once. [CHUCKLING]

- Why didn't you tell me?
- About what?

Why didn't you tell me
you were being bullied?

- Come on, Erin.
- Ronnie, I would've done something about it.

I wasn't gonna do that.
I couldn't do that.

- Ronnie.
- With all the other sh*t I put you through.

- You're still my brother.
- Mm.

All right, granted, yeah,
you were a massive pain in the arse.

- I used to be a d*ck.
- No, you still are.

- I still am.
- You still are.

- Right.
- But you're still my brother.

- Yeah.
- And I still love you.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

It's just... I don't wanna be
a f*cking nutter any more, Erin.

I wanna be the brother
you can be proud of, you know?

I really do, and I f*cking will be.

♪ KRISTINA TRAIN: Dark Black ♪

- All right?
- Come here.

- [RATTLING]
- Ow. Ow.

- What?
- What's in your hand?

- Ronnie, what is in your hand?
- It's a f*cking cash tin. Right.

I was in the Headmaster's office.
I wasn't gonna leave it.

- Minding it.
- Yeah.

- You were minding it.
- So now I'll keep hold of it.

- All right.
- I f*cking love you, Erin.

I f*cking love you.

[SIGHS] Christ.

[CHUCKLES] What are you doing?

Dylan's got a piece of that sky,
do you know that?

- Has he?
- Mm.

- How come?
- He won a competition.

He had a star named after him.

Well, you kept that f*cking quiet,
didn't you? An entire f*cking star.

- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- Christ.

Can you see all this, you arse of a man?

Floppy haired twat.

Christ. It better be
that bloody bright one there.

- That's a plane, Vin.
- Yeah.

I miss him.

- Me too.
- [GROANS]

♪ Dark black

♪ Is the colour of my life... ♪

♪ FRANKIE KNUCKLES: Your Love ♪

Me and my husband, Vernon...

we met at this night
that Curtis started.

I want us to have
one last rave together.

[WHOOPING] I'm hearing noises
about an ill*gal rave.

CURTIS: I can't do it without
my old mate Matty Ravenscroft.

- Nobody move!
- I know a venue.

- Come 'ed.
- There'll be no rave happening here.

[SIRENS WAIL]

[MUSIC STOPS] [SIREN WAILS]

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Cos everything I got
Is just about gone

♪ And I think about it... ♪