Little Monsters (2019)

[bunniefuu]

I just want to be able to go out

and have a nice night for once.

Is that too much to ask?

One thing I f*ck up

in the last nine years.

- One thing?

- Eight years in a row...

It's literally the most important things

you have to remember in a relationship.

That's not the right way

to use "literally".

Uh, I know the difference

between literal and figurative

language, Dave!

You get something on me

and never let it go.

Come on!

I knew it was your birthday!

'Cause you saw it on Facebook!

That's how most people

remember birthdays!

I just want

a little bit of respect, Dave.

Why does everything

have to be an argument?

- Why do you think?!

- You're the one raising your voice!

'Cause it's the only way I can be heard!

- You're like a child!

- I'm like a child?

Yeah, you're like a child!

You're the one shouting at me!

You started shouting first!

‐ I knew this was coming.

‐ Not one present!

‐ There's a version of this‐‐

there's a version of this

where we've had

a really lovely time together.

‐ Just buy me a f*cking present.

Maybe that would be a nice thing to do.

- ‐ Just because Stevie cooks one meal...

- Yeah?

...doesn't mean suddenly we all

have to know how to wash rice!

‐ What are you f*cking

talking about, Dave?!

I'm talking about it's a different thing!

‐ Oh, my God! It's about

being a f*cking grown‐up!

‐ I am being a grown‐up!

Have a look!

Just get what I asked you!

‐...and pumpkin activated...

‐ Just get what I asked you!

‐...f*cking quinoa‐stuffed...

‐ Not that one! I need this one!

It's pumpkin and red lentil!

I just want to take you home with me.

Yes, I do.

Listen! Dave!

f*cking listen to me!

No! I said no. No!

‐ No! Listen.

Calm down! Calm down! Listen!

‐ Mate, move on. Move on.

Mate, you've got to move on.

Come on. Get a move on.

‐ Pack it up, get out of here.

‐ What are you doing?

‐ I make an effort every day!

‐ Dave... You don't even...

‐ I'm making an effort

right now being here!

I'll get you something next week!

‐ You don't!

You f*cking don't, Dave!

‐ Get yourself a present,

wrap it up from me! See if I care!

‐ Oh, my God!

Well, gosh, gee, golly‐o!

I do love a good song, Frogsie!

I love singing so much, Teddy!

And I love singing with you, Frogsie!

‐ Mommy says you're staying with us.

How long will you be here?

‐

Go to school, Felix.

‐ I've been to school.

‐ What time is it?

‐ It's Teddy McGiggle time.

‐ Mc... What?! Where's your mom?

‐ At the shops.

If you're staying,

does that mean we can hang out lots?

‐ No. Make me a coffee.

‐ I can't make coffee.

I'm five.

Do you want to play with my toy tractor?

‐ No.

Look, Uncle David hit Mommy's

booze cabinet pretty hard.

Ohh, f*ck!

‐ That's a bad word, Uncle David.

The McGiggle dance!

A‐one, two, three, go!

We're coming down under, kiddlywinks!

‐ What's this, Uncle David?

Pew, pew! Pew! Pew!

‐ Pew! Pew! Pew!

Pew, pew! Pew, pew!

Pew! Pew! Pew!

Pew, pew, pew, pew! Pew, pew!

‐ What do you think you're doing?

Relax. He's really good at it.

Whoa! What are you doing?!

You're not meant to turn it off like that!

You'll damage the hardware!

‐ Don't expose him

to that sort of violence.

‐ It's not real!

‐ That's not the point.

He's five.

What's wrong with you?

Come and help me unpack

the shopping, fluffy duck.

We're having pizza for dinner.

‐ Pizza? Thank f*ck! I'm starving!

Oh, f*ck off!

Could someone tell me what

the f*ck that is meant to be?

Dave!

‐ Mommy, he did it again.

‐ I will kick you out.

I don't care what you're going through.

‐ What is that?

‐ Tofu.

‐ And this?

‐ It's broccoli.

It's a kind of vegetable.

‐ You like eating this?

‐ Yes. And so does my tractor.

‐ Where's the cheese?

‐ I can't have cheese.

‐ You know he can't have dairy.

He's anaphylactic.

‐ I'm allergic to fish, dairy, eggs,

sesame, nuts, and gluten.

‐ No one's allergic to gluten.

It's a fad.

‐ Don't joke, Dave.

It's a life‐threatening condition.

‐ So is what I'm going through.

‐

Oh, Boo‐Boo!

‐ Why did you call him Boo‐Boo?

‐ It's what I used to call your uncle

when he was your age.

‐

Boo‐Boo!

‐ No, see, you don't get to call me that.

You call me Uncle David,

Uncle Dave, D‐Man, or Big D.

I had too much stuff going on

with the band, all right?

I couldn't get tied down.

‐ Miss Caroline plays the ukulele

and we all sing Taylor Swift songs.

Well, you be sure to tell Miss Caroline

that she can go and suck a bag of dicks.

Dave!

‐ Teddy McGiggle says

to sing the bad word song

when you hear a grown‐up say a bad word.

Do you want to hear it?

‐ No.

‐ ♪ Bad word, bad word!

'Cause you said a bad thing ♪

♪ Now we all have to sing ♪

♪ Tra‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la ♪

♪ Tra‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la... ♪

‐ All Sara would ever go on about

was having kids, okay?

That's why we fought all the time.

‐ Dave, there are plenty of things

to be scared of in this world,

but having a kid isn't one of them.

‐ I came out of a test tube.

‐ Yeah, I know you did, Felix.

‐ Dave, there is nothing that says

you have to end up like Dad.

‐ Felix, could you please tell your mom

that I'm now gonna go down to Domino's

and get myself a proper

cheese‐covered pizza,

with a side of gluten?

‐ Mommy, Uncle David‐‐

‐ You don't have to say it, Felix.

Your uncle isn't making

good choices right now.

‐ You know, when you get yourself

a pair of big‐boy pants,

you realize there's more to life

than tractors!

- f*ck' tractors!

- ‐

‐ Uncle David is so serious,

isn't he, Mommy?

‐ Yes, my little fluffy duck.

He is.

‐ Quack.

‐

So, do you remember where we're up to?

‐ Where they got away from the witches.

‐ That's right.

They're in Norway,

and they're safe at Grandma's house.

"She was wearing a lace dress

"and the lace kept tickling my nose.

"I had to rest my head on my front paws.

"'Have you ever heard my heart

humming away, Grandmama?'

"I asked her.

"'Often, ' she said.

"'I hear it when you're lying

very close to me

"'on the pillow at night.'

"The two of us remained silent

in front of the fire

"for a long time after that,

"thinking about

these wonderful things.

"'My darling, ' she said at last,

are you sure you don't mind

"'being a mouse

for the rest of your life?'

"'I don't mind at all, ' I said.

"'It doesn't matter who you are

or what you look like,

'as long as somebody

loves you.'"

- ‐ Felix, get up! Felix!

- ‐

‐ Get up! I need your help.

So, when you see her,

you breathe as Darth Vader

and then you say...

"Hello, Aunty Sara.

I am Darth Vader.

May the Force be with us."

‐ Do it properly, Felix.

When the mask is on,

you remain in character.

"Hello, Aunty Sara.

I am Darth Vader.

May the Force be with us."

‐ Yeah! Daniel Day‐Lewis just

came everywhere in his pants!

Okay. Now, can you hold up the sign?

I'll come in and take care of the rest.

‐ Yes, Uncle David.

I mean...

...yes, Uncle David.

‐ All right.

Do it, Darth.

What...?

Aunty Sara.

‐ Felix?!

‐ I am Darth Vader.

‐ Felix, what are you doing here?

‐ What? No!

What the f*ck are you doing?!

‐ I live here!

‐ Yeah, well...

who the f*ck is that?!

‐ Rory.

‐ That's Rory from work.

‐ Well, do me a favor and get Rory

from work out of your vag*na!

‐ Don't go anywhere, Rory.

‐ Is this Dave?

‐ Yeah, hi, Rory. I'm Dave.

I'm Sara's boyfriend

of nine f*cking years.

‐ Can you watch your language

around the kid, please?

I am not a kid.

I am Darth Vader.

May the Force be with us.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you f*cked up, didn't you, Sara?

Because I was gonna marry you.

I was possibly gonna give you a baby.

I even made this engagement ring

out of a pipe‐cleaner

I found under Felix's bed.

‐ No, you do this.

You say one thing.

You never come through.

‐ Hello? I was just about to!

‐ I don't mean marriage and a baby, Dave!

I needed you to love me.

And you're incapable of loving

anyone but yourself.

‐ At least I'm not stuffing

real estate agent d*ck in me

the first chance I get!

That's enough.

‐ Oh, what are you gonna do?!

‐ You need to watch your language!

‐ You need to stop having sex

in front of kids!

‐ Don't talk to Rory like that.

Rory is more in touch

with his emotional self

than you'll ever be.

‐ The only thing Rory is in touch

with is your slutty vag*na!

‐ Not cool.

‐ Yeah?

"Not cool" this, motherfuck...

Arggh! Jesus!

Arggh! Arggh!

- Oh, God! f*ck!

- That's it.

- Calm down!

- Yuck!

Your d*ck's on my arm!

Your sweaty d*ck!

- It's disrespectful!

- sh*t! No, sh*t! Okay!

- Come on, easy, buddy!

- Are you gonna behave yourself?

- There's a kid here, man! Ohh!

- Are we good now?

- Yes?

- Arggh! Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry I had to resort to violence.

f*cking Rory!

‐ Violence is never the answer.

If you only knew

the power of the Dark Side.

f*cking...

I gave you the best years of my life!

You saw how much bush was thrown

at me when I was in a band.

‐ That was 10 years ago!

Stop going on about the band.

It's pathetic.

‐ Yeah, well, I never screwed anyone else.

I chose to be with you.

‐ There is a big difference

between being with someone

and being there for someone, Dave.

Mmm.

‐ I hope you grow up enough

one day to realize that.

‐ I don't need to do that! You do!

f*cking idiots!

Don't ever expect to see me

back here again!

- Felix?

- I am not Felix. I am Darth Vader.

Darth Vader, now!

Oh, I don't know.

Mommy!

‐

I've been trying to call you.

Where the hell have you been?

Uncle David took me

to see Aunty Sara.

‐ Yeah, and guess what Aunty Sara

was doing when we got there?

Having sex with a real estate agent.

‐ Hang on. What?

‐ Yeah, I know!

‐ You woke my son up so he could

go see two people having sex?

‐ No, not specifically.

‐ The naked man punched

Uncle Dave on the nose

'cause Aunty Sara has a slutty vag*na.

‐ I don't believe this.

‐ I know. It's unbelievable!

I mean, how could she do this to me?

‐ If you can't understand

how incredibly inappropriate it is

to take your nephew out

in the middle of the night,

then you can find

somewhere else to stay.

‐ What are you talking about?

He had a great time!

Look, he's Darth Vader!

‐ I am your father, Mommy.

‐ See? He's really good at it.

‐ It's late.

I have a double shift tomorrow.

Get out of my house.

‐ What, are you crying now?

‐ Mommy, you said it's good to cry.

‐ Why can't Uncle David

stay on the couch?

‐ Look, if you're gonna stay here,

then you have to start contributing.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Just... put him to bed now.

And you can take him

to school tomorrow.

‐ Can we play the shooty game,

Uncle David?

‐ I don't want us

to get in trouble, Felix.

We'll have to play it with the sound off.

I need to get to class

early for Miss Caroline.

It's my turn to feed Neville.

‐ Is Neville special‐needs?

‐ Neville's the class guinea pig.

‐ Hey, Felix!

What's for lunch today?

‐ That's Max and Ashton.

They think I'm not strong

because of what Mommy packs me for food.

‐ What f*cking douchebags!

Max looks like he could use

a few more tofu pizzas.

Max was the fat one, yeah?

‐ What's a douchebag?

‐ It's a small bag chicks use

to irrigate their vaginas.

‐ I hope you've got yummy

broccoli today, Felix!

‐ Was that Ret*rded kid using

irony to make fun of you?

‐ Mickey has spina bifida.

You love broccoli!

You love broccoli!

‐ Hi, Felix!

‐ Come on, this way!

‐ Okay!

‐ Felix!

Look at you slaying puss

in the playground, huh?

‐ Beth is my girlfriend.

- ‐ Yeah, dog!

- ‐

Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.

Good morning, Vivienne.

f*ck me! Who is that?

‐ Yes!

And... yes! Nice!

‐ That's Miss Caroline.

‐ Jesus!

‐ Felix. Lucky last.

‐ Sorry, Miss Caroline.

I can still feed Neville.

- ‐ Max has already fed him.

- Aww!

Ooh! Jeez.

Neville will be lucky to have

anything left with that kid around.

‐ Uh... quickly,

put your bags on your hook

and unpack crunch‐and‐sip.

Come on, mate.

I'll give you a hand with that. Come on.

‐ Hey, hey.

Thank you.

‐ I'm Dave. I'm Felix's uncle.

‐ Oh. Audrey.

Oh! Oh.

‐ Oh, Miss Caroline, jeez.

You are just a beacon of positivity

in my little nephew's life.

‐

‐ He talks about you all the time.

Apparently you slay Tay‐Tay

on the ukulay‐lay?

‐

Oh! I don't know about that.

‐ His mom's going through a weird

breakdowny thing at the moment.

‐ Oh, no. Really?

‐ Yeah. It's bad.

‐ I had no idea.

‐ Yeah.

‐ I hope Tess is okay.

‐ Well, thankfully for everyone,

Uncle David is here to help.

‐ Oh, dear. He's asleep.

Yeah, I mean,

what's going on with his mom

might be affecting his rhythms.

‐ Don't worry.

I'll give him some

special attention today.

‐ Lucky boy.

Felix doesn't even have a dad!

What a loser!

‐ You know, I don't really

think of him as a nephew.

I think of him as a friend.

My best friend. I love kids.

‐

‐ Ooh! What's wrong?

‐ What happened?

‐ Someone hit me with the door!

‐ Let me see. Let me see.

‐ Oh, no!

‐ You are fine.

Okay, quickly, sit back down,

so we can get started.

‐

‐ Brave little man, isn't he?

‐ Nice to meet you, David.

‐ It is.

It's so nice to meet you, yeah.

Guess I'll see you later.

‐ Yeah. Mm‐hm.

‐ See you, Felix.

Love you, mate.

- Felix!

- ‐

‐ Love you, matey. See you.

Bye. Have fun.

‐ One, two, three! Eyes on me!

One, two! Eyes on you!

‐ Okay. It's time to...

♪ Make a circle, make a circle ♪

♪ Nice and round, nice and round ♪

♪ Come on, everybody,

come on, everybody... ♪

Miss Caroline!

‐ Oh.

‐ Hello, David.

‐ Hey.

‐ Y‐you can call me Audrey.

‐ Didn't think I was gonna

make it in time for pick‐up.

I had this crazy rehearsal.

‐ I'm afraid he had

a really rough day today.

‐ Who did?

‐ Felix.

‐ Well, it's a good thing my band's

finished rehearsing for the day.

That's my band.

‐ "God's Sledgehammer"?

‐ That's right.

‐ Is that a Christian band?

‐ No. It's more of a stadium

rock‐slash‐death metal band.

‐ Oh. 'Cause I'm a Christian, so...

‐ It is a Christian band.

I'm a Christian myself, actually.

Audrey?

‐ Oh, hey, Charlotte!

‐ Um, Beth's older brother is really sick.

‐ Oh, no!

‐ It's gastro.

But I'm afraid I won't be able

to chaperone the excursion tomorrow.

‐ Oh. Of course.

A lot of my class is off sick

with gastro as well.

‐ I hope I'm not leaving you in the lurch.

Do you think you'll be able

to find someone else?

‐ Hey! That's me!

I'm someone else!

Where are we going, Miss Caroline?

‐ Oh, the Force isn't working!

‐ Okay, so, we take it out of this...

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐...then you take

the blue safety cap off

and you push the other end in here.

So, it's "blue in the sky,

orange in the thigh."

‐ Orange in the thigh!

‐ Yeah, I'm serious.

"Blue in the sky" ‐‐

‐ "Orange in the thigh."

I've got it. Don't worry. He'll be fine.

Actually looking forward

to spending some quality time

with my little Lord Vader.

‐ Can I bring this tomorrow, Uncle David?

‐ And that's the only reason why you

want to go on this excursion tomorrow?

‐ Yeah. What other reason would there be?

‐ The one that teaches his kindy class.

‐ Miss Caroline? Come on.

‐ Every dad has tried

to make a pass at her.

‐ Well, she's a Christian.

I'm in a stadium rock‐

slash‐death metal band.

How's that gonna work?

‐ Mommy, I nearly had it!

‐ I'm just trying to understand

why you would so readily

volunteer for something

that sounds like your worst nightmare.

‐ Maybe it's because

I'm actually a good person.

God, is that such a crazy idea?

F‐f‐f*ck... me!

Jesus, f*ck!

♪ But I keep cruisin' ♪

♪ Can't stop, won't stop movin' ♪

♪ It's like I got this music ♪

♪ In my mind

singing it's gonna be alright ♪

♪ 'Cause the players gonna

play, play, play, play, play ♪

♪ And the haters gonna

hate, hate, hate, hate, hate ♪

♪ Baby, I'm just gonna shake,

shake, shake, shake, shake ♪

♪ I shake it off,

I shake it off ♪

And louder now!

♪ Shake it off,

shake it off, uh‐uh ♪

♪ I shake it off, shake it off ♪

♪ Uh‐uh, I shake it off,

shake it off ♪

♪ Uh‐uh, I shake it off, shake it off ♪

Yes!

Good job, guys!

‐ Hey, how long till we get going again?

‐ I'm still working on it!

- ‐ Sing "Shake It Off" again!

- Yay!

‐ No! Sing something else!

‐ I think we've all had enough

of Taylor Swift right now, guys.

‐ Can you sing another song,

Miss Caroline?

‐ Well, actually,

there is somebody on this bus

who is a professional singer.

Who knows what the word

'professional' means?

Beth?

‐ It means it's your proper job

and you get paid money.

Very good, Beth!

You become a professional when

you're so good at something

that you get paid to do it.

I am a professional kindergarten teacher.

And David is a professional singer.

Isn't that right, David?

‐ Uh... that's correct.

Yes, I am a professional

singer, songwriter, guitarist.

‐ Maybe if we all nicely ask David,

he'll come to the front

of the bus and sing us all a song.

What do you think, guys? Yes!

Please? Please?

Louder! Louder!

No, no, no. I'm not prepared.

‐ Come on!

‐ Okay, then. All right.

‐

‐ One song.

‐ Now, sit down and be quiet

so he can play.

‐

Um, hi, guys. Um...

My name's David.

Uh, I'm Felix's uncle.

And I'm also the lead

singer‐slash‐frontman

of my band, God's Sledgehammer.

Oh, and let's not forget

what Leviticus teaches us.

If anyone curses their mother

or their father,

they must be put to death.

That's in the Bible.

That's actually there. God wrote that.

Um, this is one of my slower ditties.

Um... a ballad, if you will.

♪ Your husband left you

with two little kids ♪

♪ Said he loved you, but he never did ♪

♪ You pretend like everything is fine ♪

♪ But the screams have

taken over your mind ♪

♪ And now you're empty inside

like an empty room ♪

♪ That's full of demons and monsters too ♪

♪ Yeah, you're trapped in a nightmare ♪

♪ There's nowhere to hide from the pain ♪

♪ That's eating you alive ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, where did you go? ♪

♪ Mama's losing control ♪

♪ She's got the demons inside her,

feasting off her soul ♪

♪ You started another family,

'cause we weren't good enough ♪

♪ You didn't love your son ♪

♪ 'Cause you thought he wasn't tough ♪

♪ Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, where did you go? ♪

♪ Oh, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy

where did you go, yeah? ♪

‐ Might be a little much

for everyone, you know?

‐ Yeah, mmm.

- ‐ Bus is fixed.

- Oh!

‐ Next stop, Pleasant Valley!

- ‐ Oh! Thank God! Yay!

- ‐

‐ Clap for David!

- Section 19 clear.

- Section 19.

What's the point

in flying 17 hours on a plane

to work in a country

you're not even allowed to see?

- ‐ Section 12 clear.

- Section 12.

‐ This country's insane.

Do you realize how many animals

they have here

that can k*ll you?

Listen to this.

"The funnel‐web spider is

the world's nastiest arachnid.

"The venom from this hairy

spider's massive fangs

"attacks a person's nervous

system, leading to death.

The red‐bellied black snake

can grow up to seven feet long."

Section 15 clear.

‐ "The venom from its bite

can cause skin cells to decay,

"along with kidney failure,

leading to death.

"There is no known anti‐venom

for the box jellyfish,

"which is present throughout

coastal waters of Australia.

"The sting instantly leads to necrosis

and random muscle spasms,

and finally, cardiac arrest."

Still, if I get flown back home

without seeing a koala bear,

I'm gonna be pretty upset.

Jesus. One of them's free.

‐ Back away from the body

with your hands on your head!

Patrol to control room.

Project Regeneration

test subject has escaped.

Containment breach and casualty

in section 24.

Containment breach and casualty

in section 24!

We have a large‐scale

breach at section 25!

‐ Wait here.

I'll secure the door.

‐ P.

- In lockdown.

In lockdown.

‐ Wait, should I call for backup?

What the f*ck?! What the f*ck?!

Get off! Get off!

My ear! Arggh! Arggh!

In lockdown.

‐ So, it's 600 feet

back down the road. Yeah.

‐ Minigolf. Minigolf.

‐ This is not the petting zoo.

This is a US military facility.

Do you understand me?

‐ P.

- Full code red.

I repeat, this is a full code red alert.

‐ sh*t!

Jerry! Open the gate!

Open the gate!

Open the g*dd*mn gate!

Close the gate! Close the gate!

And our first rule is be safe.

Which means remember the dangers

of touching and tasting things

we don't recognize.

Our rhyme...

We can see, we can smell,

we can hear...

Oh, my gosh! Uncle Dave!

It's Teddy McGiggle!

It's Teddy McGiggle!

‐ What? Oh, my God!

‐ Hi‐h*, kiddlywinks!

Hi‐h*, Teddy!

‐ Hi‐h*, Teddy!

‐ Hi‐h*, Frogsie!

Well, aren't we having a super fun time

on our trip down under?!

We swam with the fish

in the Great Barrier Reef!

We've climbed to the top

of the Harbour Bridge!

And today‐‐

today, we are visiting

the Pleasant Valley Farm

to meet and learn about all

the cute Australian animals!

‐ I want a cuddle from a koala!

‐ I bet you do, Frogsie!

Wow‐ee!

Look at the big crowd

that's come out here to say hello to us.

And hello to you!

What's your name,

you big bundle of sunshine?

Come on over here.

Why don't you guys let the beautiful

yellow lady come on through?

What's your name, little lady?

‐ Miss Caroline.

Oh, but my friends call me Audrey.

My kids call Miss Caroline.

Not my kids kids, my students.

They call me Miss Caroline.

‐ Well, that is a beautiful origin story

if I've ever heard one.

All I know is, your kiddlywinks

sure are lucky

to have a teacher as pretty

as you, Miss Caroline!

I want to give Miss Caroline a cuddle!

‐ I bet you do, Frogsie!

What do you guys say

we do the McGiggle dance?

Yeah!

‐ What do you say we do

the McGiggle dance

to get this party started?!

Excellent job, everybody.

Settle down there, kiddlywinks!

There's more than enough Teddy

to go around!

Whoo‐hoo!

Remember to be nice and gentle.

♪ Come with us as we giggle around ♪

♪ In the McGigglemobile ♪

Toot‐toot, Teddy!

♪ Traveling the whole world ♪

♪ And sharing special memories

with the kiddlywinks ♪

We love the kiddlywinks!

♪ There's no use ignoring ♪

♪ All the giggling and guffawing ♪

♪ As we shower the whole world with fun ♪

♪ And time and time again,

we will McGiggle with new friends ♪

♪ Because our giggles are for everyone ♪

Can we do the McGiggle dance?

You bet we can, Frogsie!

Whoo‐hoo!

♪ So, giggle, I'll giggle with you ♪

♪ Let's giggle,

we'll giggle all together ♪

♪ I feel giggly when

we all play this song... ♪

Rock on, man!

♪ Life's so fun

when you giggle along... ♪

Yeah? Do you want to come up?

- All the way out to here.

- ‐

Everyone's watching.

No pressure.

‐

‐ Arggh! Arggh!

Yeah. Rock on, idiot.

What did we learn? Yes, Felix?

We got a full breach here!

A full breach!

Somebody get up here and help me!

They're escaping from the front!

Get up here now! Now! Now!

Arggh! Arggh!

Whoa!

‐

‐

One, two, three, eyes on me!

One, two, eyes on you!

‐ And then we get to meet Kimby again.

She's going to take us on a special ride.

And then when we get back to the farm,

there'll be a surprise waiting for us!

‐ Is it putt‐putt golf!

Are we gonna play putt‐putt golf?!

I said it was a surprise.

I'm going to count backwards from 10.

By the time I get to one,

I want you all in a line in front of me.

And away we go! Ten! Nine!

‐ Miss Caroline, can we‐‐

‐ David, just call me Audrey‐‐ eight!

Yeah, I feel like

I haven't been helping enough.

- Seven!

- Can I get more involved?

‐ Six! Yeah, you can help Kim

with the rubbish.

Five!

‐ The rubbish?

Wait‐‐ are you married?

‐ No. Four!

Oh, not yet.

That's my engagement ring.

Three!

‐ You're with a guy?

‐ My fiancé, Ian, yes.

Two!

And one!

Very good. Okay, let's go.

Okay, who's excited about the surprise?

Bye‐bye, rubbish!

Welcome, everyone,

to the Pleasant Valley Farm experience.

Who wants to see some sheep?

That's lucky,

because you're about to meet

Pleasant Valley's

flock of resident mammals.

‐ Isn't the tractor amazing, Uncle David?

Even though sheep

aren't native to Australia,

we certainly do have...

Miss Caroline, where are the sheep?

Um... They're usually around here.

They must be hiding.

‐ I've just gotta check

on something ahead.

Sorry we haven't seen

any sheep yet, kiddies.

‐ What is it, Miss Caroline?

‐ I don't know, Kim.

There must be something in the way.

‐ Maybe it's your dad, Felix!

‐ No, it isn't.

‐ Yeah, Max!

For all we know,

you don't have a dad either.

Never seen any evidence of him

when I'm visiting your mom.

‐ Do you know my mom?

‐ Uh‐huh.

‐ Okay. David?

May I have a word with you, please?

David's in trouble!

Hey.

What are you doing to our sheep, mate?

‐ Look, I don't know what's

going on with you right now,

but that kind of behavior

is unacceptable.

‐ Max started it!

‐ Max is five years old!

And if you can't use appropriate language

with a five‐year‐old,

I'm going to have to ask you

to disembark the tractor train

and wait for us back at the bus.

f*cking hell! f*ck!

♪ Bad word! Bad word! ♪

- ‐ Kimby!

- ♪ You said a bad thing! ♪

‐ Kimby, this kind of behavior is just‐‐

‐

‐ Arggh!

Oh!

‐ Oh, God!

David! Start the tractor!

‐ Where are you going to drive

the tractor, Uncle David?

Miss Caroline! I'm coming!

‐ Push the clutch pedal down.

‐ Where?

‐ The clutch pedal is on the left,

the brake is on the other side.

‐ Like this?

‐

Have you got the parking

brake off, Uncle David?

‐ I don't know!

‐ The parking brake is that side too.

‐ Why do you know so much about tractors?

‐ I love tractors.

‐ Oh, Jesus!

Are you okay, Miss Caroline?!

‐ Just, uh, having a chat with Kimby.

‐ Ohh, sh*t!

‐ Ooh!

- What do I do?!

- Just keep driving!

Yes!

Rightio.

You remember this one. Right?

♪ Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep ♪

♪ And doesn't know where to find them ♪

What is that?

♪ Leave them alone

and they'll come home ♪

‐

‐ ♪ Wagging their tails behind them ♪

‐ Who knows what "unpredictable" means?

Don't be scared. Don't be scared.

This is the surprise I was talking about.

‐ David? Why are you stopping?

'C‐cause the road is blocked in.

I don't know how to explain

what I'm seeing.

‐

‐ Ahh!

‐ Okay! One, two, three, eyes on me!

- ‐ One, two, eyes on you!

- Right.

Who remembers how to play tag?

Good. Right.

Those funny‐looking people

out there are it.

‐ How do I go backwards?

And we don't want to let

the funny people touch us.

Look! Isn't she good at it?

‐

Yeah!

‐ I need you to stick together in a line.

So, quick‐sticks!

Ready... steady...

...conga!

‐

‐ Conga?!

♪ Conga, conga, conga! ♪

♪ Conga, conga, conga! ♪

This way, kiddies!

♪ Old Macdonald had a farm ♪

♪ E‐I‐E‐I‐O... ♪

‐ Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

Pew, pew!

♪ Baa‐baa here and a baaaaa... ♪

♪ Here a baa, there a baa

Everywhere a baa‐baa! ♪

‐

‐ Arggh!

♪ E‐I‐E‐I‐O... ♪

- ‐ He almost tagged you!

- Yeah. Didn't get me, though.

This way to the bus, kids.

I don't want to be here!

‐ ♪ Old Macdonald had a farm ♪

♪ E‐I‐E... ♪

‐ Watch out, Dave!

‐ Yarggh!

‐

There's the bus!

We're almost there.

‐ Oh, God!

No! They're in the bus!

Don't come this way!

Okay. Change of plan.

‐ Locked!

‐ Go away!

‐ Oh! Open the door.

Teddy McGiggle, it's me!

‐ Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't see you there.

But see, the problem is I was here first,

so you've got to go f*ck yourself.

♪ Bad word! Bad word! ♪

‐ We have kids out here!

‐ Oh! Oh, my God!

I don't give a sh*t.

‐ You can't leave the kids out here!

‐ Unlock the door!

Unlock my d*ck!

‐ This way. Oh, look.

Okay. Who wants to be a wiggle worm?!

The f*ck are you doing?!

Get them away from here!

‐ In you go. Nice and safe.

Nice and safe.

Hey!

He's meals on wheels!

Leave him!

Up! And through there!

‐ Hey! Get her to stop doing that!

- Open the door!

- Leave them alone out there!

Are you serious?!

Leave those little f*ck to those guys!

What the hell is wrong with you?

‐ You're both being real c*ck right now!

‐ Miss Caroline! Help!

Arggh!

Miss Caroline!

f*ck you!

‐ Let us in, please!

No, you're not coming in! Go away!

Wait. No, no, what is that?

There's somebody on the roof!

Stop it!

Get the f*ck off of there!

You bring those b*stards here,

I'll f*cking‐‐

‐

‐ Oh!

‐ Ahhh!

Arggh!

What are you doing?

What the...?! Jesus!

You f...!

Oh! Ooh!

You eat my d*ck!

♪ Bad word! Bad word! ♪

♪ 'Cause you said a bad thing... ♪

You little b*tch!

♪ We all have to sing... ♪

‐

‐

Come here,

you pretty little chubby princess!

I'm gonna bash this on your head,

you fat f*cking monkey!

‐ You're a f*cking psycho!

Get away from that door, boy t*tties!

‐ Arggh! Arggh!

Arggh!

sh*t.

My face!

No.

- Hey.

- Hi, Uncle David.

Attention, all units.

Attention, all units.

Reinforcements have arrived.

Set up a perimeter.

‐ Door's secure.

Still no signal, though.

‐ Miss Caroline! Miss Caroline!

‐ Max, that's not safe!

Put it back where you found it.

There's no landline either.

‐ This is fun.

‐ It is a bit scary.

It's meant to be scary.

It's part of the game.

And you know what?

We all just won first level.

Yes?

‐ How many more levels will there be?

‐ Mmm... Max?

‐ When will we play putt‐putt golf?

‐ Later. Kim?

‐ What's wrong with Teddy McGiggle?

‐ Teddy McGiggle is just...

not happy because we're winning.

Nobody's coming for us.

We're all gonna die.

‐ Are we gonna die, Miss Caroline?

‐ No! Of course not.

My job is to keep you safe.

That's what I'll do.

‐ Where's Frogsie?

‐ Frogsie didn't make it.

‐ I need you to calm down, Teddy McGiggle.

‐ Don't you dare tell me what to do.

Those things out there ate my cameraman.

They ate him!

And not just them.

Little dead‐eyed kids.

Like Children Of The Corn.

And if they don't eat you,

you get bit and then you become

one of them.

They're... They're zombies.

‐ Like in the shooty game?

‐ Like in the shooty game!

Can you tell us what the zombies do

in the... shooty game, please, Felix?

Well, if you make noise, they hear you.

They walk around and try to bite you.

And the only way you can stop them

is by sh**ting them in the face

with your shooty g*n

or chopping their heads off.

‐ Okay. But are the zombies real?

No. It's just a game,

but Uncle David lets me play it

when my mom's asleep.

‐ Well, there you go.

The zombies are not real.

Like f*ck they're not!

The Easter Bunny isn't f*cking real!

Father f*cking Christmas isn't real!

These inquisitive dead‐eyed

f*cking faces are real!

‐ ♪ Bad word! Bad word! ♪

♪ 'Cause you said a bad thing, now‐‐ ♪

‐ Shut the f*ck up!

Teddy McGiggle's gonna fill you guys in

on some fast‐breaking news.

Bad word song?

That existed at a time

when people weren't

having their faces ripped off

by m*therf*cking zombies.

f*ckity f*ck‐f*ck f*ck!

You f*cking little duckies!

‐ Teddy McGiggle just needs a cuddle.

Come here. Let's have a word.

‐ I don't want a cuddle.

‐ Listen, Okay?

You're going to change

that attitude right now.

‐ f*cking zombies.

‐ This is not a negotiation.

- ‐ Guys, who's hungry?

- ‐

‐ Yeah? Okay. Well, come get some.

Here you go, mate.

‐ Are these okay, Uncle David?

‐ Yeah.

‐ Why is Teddy McGiggle crying?

‐ I'm a celebrity.

‐ No. You're a liability.

I have no idea what

we're all dealing with here,

but my only responsibility

is for these children's safety.

If they are put in danger

by anyone outside or inside

the souvenir kiosk,

my job is to remove that danger.

I'm not going to let

these children be traumatized

by having them think a zombie

is going to eat them alive.

So, right at this very moment,

these children believe they are

in the middle of a game.

A fun, harmless game.

So if you don't turn that frown

upside down, then, so help me God,

I am going to drag you out

by that stupid bow tie

and watch them rip you apart!

Do I make myself clear?

Let me hear you say, "It's a game,"

so loud, they can hear.

It's a game.

‐ In the voice, you moron.

‐ It's a game!

This is a game!

‐ Uh‐huh. Do the laugh.

‐ I don't want to.

‐ Do the laugh.

‐ And stop f*cking swearing.

‐ You can consider this

the naughty corner.

‐ You okay?

‐ Cough it up, mate.

Cough it up.

‐ What did you eat, Felix?

It's anaphylaxis.

No. No, they're just chips.

‐ They'd have dairy in them.

‐ Who the f*ck puts milk in chips?

‐ Just breathe, okay?

‐ What do we do?

‐ My bum bag.

The DreniPenny was in my bum bag.

I've got one. I've got one.

‐ Oh. Give it...

‐ I can do it. I can do it.

‐ Okay. Okay, kids.

Don't worry.

Felix just needs some room, okay?

‐ Here we go.

Uh, "Orange in the sky,

blue in the... thigh."

Arggh!

‐ Oh, dear.

‐ What?!

‐ No, no. It's fine. Here.

‐ No, you can't reinsert it!

‐ No.

No! Um...

There's a spare!

Tess packed a spare!

‐ Where is it?

‐ It's, it's‐‐ in his backpack!

I'll go get it. I'll go get it.

Don't leave.

‐ I'm here.

- Okay, kids.

- ‐

‐ No, no. I'm right here, bud.

I'm right here.

‐ Listen very carefully.

I need you to stay here with David.

Hold hands and don't let go

until I get back.

Okay?

Breathe. You'll be all right.

‐ Get them to stop the game,

Miss Caroline!

‐ Don't worry about it.

I'll just pop right up and let them know.

‐ Breathe. You're all right.

You'll be all right.

There we go. Breathing.

‐ Just try to breathe, mate, please.

Keep breathing.

‐ Argh!

‐ We get through this,

you can dress up as Darth Vader

and play the shooty game

as much as you want.

I don't care what your mom says.

‐ You!

‐ Guys, what do we do when we're scared?

What's a song we can sing?

What's his favorite song?

‐ "Shake It Off."

‐ "Shake It Off"?

How does it start?

Beth, can you sing it for him?

‐ ♪ I stay out too late ♪

♪ Got nothing in my... ♪

‐ Typical!

‐ ♪ 'Cause the players gonna

play, play, play, play, play ♪

♪ Baby, I'm just gonna shake,

shake, shake, shake, shake... ♪

‐ ♪ I'm just gonna shake, shake,

shake, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake it off,

shake it off... ♪

‐ Oh, yes! Quick! Is that it?

Here we go, mate.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

‐ Okay. Hold still.

Yes.

Did it work?

‐

‐ Well?

Oh! Oh, God!

Thank you, Miss Caroline.

‐ It's my job.

And you've got to call me Audrey.

‐ Yeah.

Eugh!

‐ Oh... I...

...g‐got caught in the middle

of a jam fight!

‐ I am covered in strawberry jam!

Eugh. Don't taste it, okay?

What jam?

‐ Felix will be fine.

Stop screaming, please!

Just shut up!

What is that noise?

It's a helicopter!

They've come to get me!

Get out of my way!

What the...?!

‐ I'm coming! They found me!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

It's me! I'm a celebr‐‐

Oh! Arggh! Oh, f*ck!

Whoa!

f*ck!

Open up! Hey!

Can you open the door?

I'm sorry about what happened

before, but you‐‐

Get the f*ck over here!

Please?!

I'm just scared. Open the door.

You're being a bad teacher!

f*ck your teaching method!

This is a terrible example you're setting!

Argh! Argh!

‐ Teddy!

Get up!

Come on! Give me your hand!

Oh, this is all my fault.

God is punishing me.

‐ Wait, what do you mean?

‐ I've been bad, man.

I've been really f*cking bad.

‐ I'm sure we've all done

things we regret.

‐ I f*cked a sh*t‐ton of moms.

We're talking thousands.

Thousands.

I was doing my first public appearance,

and this sweet little single mom

came up to me after the autograph signing.

And she was so f*cking beautiful.

And I went down on her p*ssy

in a South Coast Plaza disabled toilet.

And then it was on.

I just...

I took whoever I could get.

Single moms, married moms, pregnant moms,

white moms, black moms, d*ke moms, Jews.

‐ My nephew almost died. I'm‐‐

‐ I studied at the Actors Studio.

I learnt Meisner from Pacino.

Al.

You think I wanted to be

in a polka dot suit

for the rest of my life?

I f*cking hate

those little kiddlywinks.

f*cking the sh*t out of their moms

was the only thing that made it better.

Until it didn't.

You realize that you're only doing it‐‐

Look at me.

You realize that you're only doing it

because you're dead inside.

And it's the only thing that's keeping you

from k*lling yourself.

‐ I'm Dave.

‐ Teddy McGiggle isn't even my real name.

It's Nathan.

‐ Nathan McGiggle.

‐ Nathan Schneider.

‐ Oh.

‐ What is that awful smell?

It's me, man. I was lying.

I was gonna blame you, but I can't.

I sh*t my pants.

Ohh, God!

I did it.

Ohh, no!

‐ Sir? This could be helpful.

Aerial reconnaissance confirms

all of the infected are congregated here.

I would advise

we drop the b*mb on the...

...Pleasant Valley souvenir store.

♪ Well, I'd like to visit the moon ♪

♪ On a rocket ship high in the air ♪

♪ Yes, I'd like to visit the moon ♪

♪ But I don't think

I'd like to live there ♪

♪ Though I'd like to look down ♪

♪ At the earth from above ♪

♪ I would miss all the places ♪

♪ And people I love ♪

♪ So although I may like it ♪

♪ For one afternoon ♪

♪ I don't want to live

on the moon ♪

♪ Though I'd like to look down ♪

♪ At the earth from above ♪

♪ I would miss all the places ♪

♪ And people I love ♪

♪ So although I may go ♪

♪ I'll be coming home soon ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't want to live ♪

♪ On the moon ♪

♪ No, I don't ♪

♪ Want to live ♪

♪ On the moon ♪

Sweet dreams, duckies.

Good night.

Yes, Mickey?

‐ Miss Caroline,

is there anything to eat?

‐ I'm afraid you ate

the last of the chips.

‐ I have tofu snacks

if you want them, Mickey.

‐ Yuck.

‐ When are we gonna play

putt‐putt golf, Miss Caroline?

‐ Certainly not now.

Go to sleep.

‐ This is ridiculous.

‐ What's the US military

even doing here?

‐ Excuse me!

My son is inside.

Why won't you let us through?

I'm gonna try him again.

‐ Got kangaroo, platypus,

echidna, wombat. Dingo?

‐ Lieutenant, sir.

Why are we here?

‐ Zombies again.

‐ Well, fast ones or slow ones, sir?

‐ Slow.

We need to contain the infection,

so sh**t anything that moves.

‐ Thank God they're slow.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

Hey, it's Dave.

Just leave a message.

‐ Dave, I'm here. I'm nearby.

They won't let me past to where you are,

and they won't tell us anything.

If you get this message,

could you please tell Felix

that Mommy loves him?

Dave, please look after him.

‐ Hey. Are you okay, mate?

‐ Yes, but Beth is a bit frightened.

‐ My mom puts me to bed.

‐ Oh.

Well, we're gonna see your mom tomorrow.

‐ I'm scared.

‐ My mommy made up a special rhyme

to help me go to sleep.

Do you want to hear it?

"Now the day is over

and I'm in bed, rugged up tight,

"I hope those little monsters

won't get me in the night.

"If I say this little rhyme,

they'll try to put up a fight,

"But they won't come get me,

"No, they won't give me a fright.

Little monsters, you go away!

Little monsters‐‐"

‐ Oh, I think we need Beth

to help with this bit, yeah?

Beth, when I point at you,

can you say, "Go away"?

‐ Go away?

‐ Yeah, exactly like that.

Yeah. Okay, let's start again.

"Little monsters, you can't stay!

"I don't want to see your little claws!

"I don't want to hear your little roars!

Little monsters‐‐"

‐ "Go away!"

‐ "Come back and see me in the day.

"We can have a little party

"And eat cake and tea and play.

"But we all must get a proper sleep,

So, little monsters, please..."

‐ "Go away!"

‐ That's it.

That's exactly it.

You reckon you can sleep now?

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Yeah? Okay.

‐ How did you know the rhyme, Uncle David?

‐ Well, your mom used to sing it

to me before I went to sleep.

Back when I was Boo‐Boo.

- ‐ Boo‐Boo?

- ‐ Boo‐Boo, yeah.

You want to get some rest, mate?

‐ Goodnight, Uncle David.

‐ 'Night, mate.

‐

‐ Oh, God.

‐ Sorry I've been swearing

so much, Audrey.

‐ That's fine, David.

I'm f*cking terrified too.

I just need them to feel like

the adults are in control, you know?

- How do you do it?

- Do what?

‐ Be a superhero.

‐ Not quite.

Do you want kids?

‐ Oh... my girlfriend and I just split.

Yeah, I caught her with someone else.

‐ Oh.

That's... awful.

‐ See, it wasn't her fault.

I left first.

She wanted a baby. I didn't.

‐ How come?

‐ I told her I didn't want it

to get in the way of my band.

‐ Was that not the reason?

‐ Felix's mom reckons I might be

frightened of being a father.

See, our dad left

when I was about Felix's age.

Started another family,

left Tess and I with mom.

Mom fell apart.

Like, really fell apart.

We spent our holidays in psych wards.

‐ I'm so sorry.

‐ Yeah.

Tess looked after me.

I couldn't see that at the time, though.

I was too angry at everyone.

I never thanked her.

‐ I'm sure you won't end up

like your father, David.

"The man in between

waits between the two,

"Not hearing the lie,

not seeing the true,

"Unknowing what is

and denying what seems,

And there he will sleep,

the man in between."

‐ Wow. Is that Gandhi?

‐

No. Neil Diamond.

‐ You like Neil Diamond?

‐ I love Neil Diamond.

‐ Oh.

‐ You may think I'm a superhero, but...

When I was 18,

I was heading down a really bad path.

I started following this band around.

I used the money my parents

had put away for my education,

and I followed them here.

‐ Whoa.

‐ I chased them all around Australia,

and I break into one of

their hotel rooms in Perth.

Well, I was just so determined

to meet one of them in person.

I would have let them

do anything to me.

‐ What... what happened?

‐ Oh, Taylor walked into the room

and called security right away.

‐ Hang on. Wait. Swift?

‐ No!

Taylor Hanson. Sorry.

I thought I said who they were.

‐ Taylor Hanson?

‐ Yeah. Taylor Hanson.

From Hanson.

‐ Hanson the band?

‐ Yes.

‐ "Mmmbop"?

‐ "Mmmbop."

‐ Mmm. Okay.

‐ I begged him not to call security,

but he didn't even hesitate.

I didn't know what to do,

so I jumped out the window.

‐ sh*t.

‐ But thank God, an awning broke my fall

and all I broke was my collarbone.

So, there I was.

In a foreign country, in a sling.

No parents, no money.

And then a wonderful thing happened.

I got a job helping out at the school

to help pay my medical bills

and get back home.

And working with kids...

...standing in front of them,

looking at me with no judgment...

They trusted me even when I didn't

particularly trust myself.

I started to believe in myself again,

you know?

Learned to step up.

And now I can't imagine

doing anything else.

‐ Are you and... Ian gonna have kids?

‐ I'm afraid Ian and I have not

been together for a long time.

He was cheating on me.

With someone from his work.

‐ But why do you still wear the ring?

‐ It stops fathers from hitting

on me in the playground.

I know it's bad to lie,

but you'd be surprised

how crude men can be.

‐ My band broke up six years ago.

God's Sledgehammer fell apart

when my bandmates quit.

And I'm not really Christian.

‐ Anything else you've lied about?

‐

No, I think that pretty much covers it.

‐ Okay. Good.

Otherwise I'd have to put you

in the naughty corner.

‐ Uh‐oh.

‐

Why don't I stay up on watch?

‐ No, no. You need sleep more than anyone.

Um... I'll step up.

‐ Okay.

‐ 'Night.

All‐unit command, all‐unit command.

All‐unit command, all‐unit command.

‐ In order to ensure total

annihilation of the infected,

we will proceed with Operation Hailstorm

in T‐minus one hour.

‐

‐ Oh!

I've got an idea to get us out of here.

‐ No. No, no, no!

No, no, no.

No.

I'm not going anywhere.

Want to know why?

Because I'm the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice

Favorite Global Television Presenter

five years running, that's why.

You want to know what that means?

That means to the layman

I'm a huge f*cking deal.

Someone will notice that I'm missing,

sound the alarm,

and come and get me.

‐ We can't stay here indefinitely.

‐ We're good as dead if we stay here.

There's no food.

‐

We'll eat one of the kids.

‐ I hope you're joking.

‐ Look, Teddy, all we need

for you to do is make a distraction

while I make a run for the tractor train.

I drive it to the front door,

we load everyone up,

and we drive out of here.

‐ Oh, you're f*cked in the head, fatso.

Why can't you go?

‐ I'm not leaving the children

alone with you.

‐ Pfft!

If your big idea

is to drive in a tractor

designed to pull f*ck

around a farm,

then you're bigger idiots than I thought.

And I thought you were both

the stupidest people I've ever met.

‐ What would you suggest?

‐ The McGigglemobile.

‐ What?

‐ What, are you f*cking deaf?

I said in a loud whisper,

"The McGigglemobile."

‐ What's the McGigglemobile?

‐ It's my bright red car,

you f*cking c**t.

I travel around the world in it

making memories

and sharing those memories

with children all over the country.

Many countries.

‐ Why is that better?

‐ The McGigglemobile has a flap

in the roof. The Frogsie flap.

We drive the car around,

the kiddlywinks jump

into the McGigglemobile

through the Frogsie flap,

and we drive the f*ck out of here.

‐ Who's got the keys?

That actually could work.

‐ Great idea, Teddy.

‐ Great enough for a blow job?

Um... I'm a sex addict.

Hey. Listen.

Be careful when you‐‐

‐ Aarrghh! Goddammit!

‐ Are you okay, Teddy?

‐ Does it look like I'm okay,

you shithead?!

Miss Caroline! Miss Caroline!

‐

‐ Miss Caroline, I'm hungry.

‐ I know.

‐ Miss Caroline?

- I don't want to play this game anymore.

- Uh‐huh.

‐ It makes no sense,

and the zombies look fake.

‐ Miss Caroline, when are

we gonna play putt‐putt golf?!

‐ Yo! Douchebag!

Are we gonna do this thing or what?

‐ What's a douchebag?

‐ It's a small bag that ladies

use to irrigate their vaginas.

‐ One, two, three, eyes on me.

One, two, eyes on you!

♪ Where it began... ♪

Oh, Jesus.

♪ I can't begin to knowing ♪

♪ But then, I know it's growing strong ♪

♪ Was in the spring ♪

♪ Then spring became the summer ♪

♪ Who'd have believed

you'd come along? ♪

♪ Hands ♪

♪ Touching hands ♪

♪ Reaching out ♪

♪ Touching me, touching you ♪

♪ Miss Caroline ♪

‐ That's you!

‐ ♪ Good times

never seemed so good ♪

♪ I'd be inclined ♪

♪ To believe

they never would ♪

Come on, kids.

I need your help! Sing it with me.

♪ Miss Caroline ♪

♪ Ba‐ba‐bom ♪

♪ Good times

never seemed so good ♪

♪ I'd be inclined ♪

♪ To believe they never would ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ Miss Caroline ♪

‐ I love Neil Diamond too.

Just... wasn't ready

to admit it until now.

Uncle David?

‐ Hey, buddy.

I'm just ducking out for a bit,

okay, mate?

‐ Where are you going?

‐ I'm gonna get us out of here.

‐ Is this still all part of the game?

‐ Yeah!

Yeah, of course it is.

Miss Caroline's gonna keep you safe.

You do whatever

she tells you to, okay?

‐ She's my teacher.

I have to do that.

‐ You're an amazing boy.

Don't let anyone ever tell you

you're not strong.

You're the strongest,

bravest person I've ever met.

‐ Why are you telling me this?

‐ 'Cause you're awesome.

Give me a cuddle.

Okay.

Hey, kids, who wants a ride

in the McGigglemobile?

Yeah!

‐ Yeah!

‐ See you soon, kiddlywinks!

‐ I see the McGigglemobile.

I can't do this.

I'm a celebrity.

‐ Want to make up for all

the bad things you've done?

All those mums you f*cked?

If Pacino were here,

what would he say?

‐ He'd encourage me

to magnify and intensify

my connection to the material

by understanding my character's

emotional experience.

- ‐ Well... do that.

- ‐

‐ Do it for Pacino.

I'll distract them.

I'll see you

at the McGigglemobile.

‐

‐ Hey!

Hey! Yeah!

‐

‐ Yes! Yes!

f*ck!

‐

‐ Hey! Yes!

Hey! Over here!

‐ For Pacino.

‐

‐ Yes!

‐ Aahhh!

‐ Arggh!

‐ Well, hi‐h*, kiddlywinks.

‐ Arggh! Arggh!

‐ I f*cked your mom!

I f*cked your mom!

You. Oh, I f*cked your mom.

Ow! My a*s!

Hyah! How do YOU like it, huh?!

Oh, God! What have I done?

Eugh!

Oh, sh*t!

Yes!

‐

‐ Yes!

f*ck. f*ck.

It's locked.

Open the door!

Open the f*cking door.

Open the f*cking door!

- f*ck.

- ‐

Open the f*cking door, Nathan!

‐

‐ f*ck.

Help me!

I hope you die!

‐ What's happening, Miss Caroline?

‐ Your Uncle David...

is at the McGigglemobile!

‐ Tess!

‐ Dave! Oh, God. Where are you?

‐ Uh, I'm at the farm.

Miss Caroline and the kids are here.

‐ Felix?

‐ Yeah, he's with her.

Listen, you need to send

someone in to get us.

‐ Okay. Uh, the military have

blocked off the road,

but they won't let us through.

We're not far from you.

Why aren't you with Felix?

Are you okay?

‐ Look, Tess,

I need to tell you something.

It's really important,

and I should have done it

a long time ago.

But thank you.

‐ What?

‐ You stepped up.

You always took care of me when

things went to sh*t with mom.

I don't know what I would have

done without you.

Thank you, sis.

I tried to repay you, but...

I'm pretty sure I've just f*cked it.

Ah! No! f*ck!

Stupid f*cking frog!

- ‐ Boo‐Boo?

- ‐

Miss Caroline,

when will we play putt‐putt golf?!

‐ Not now, Max.

‐ No! I want to play putt‐putt

golf now!

‐

‐ Max.

Max!

‐

‐ I'm not‐‐ I'm not gonna

talk to you on that level.

‐

‐ Stop it. Hey.

‐ Max, listen to me.

‐ Miss Caroline!

‐ Beth, I'm speaking.

‐ Miss Caroline!

‐ What is it, Beth?!

‐ Felix is gone!

‐ Pew, pew! Pew! Pew, pew, pew!

Pew! Pew, pew!

- Hi, Uncle David!

- Felix!

I'm on the tractor!

Oopsy!

‐ Felix! Felix!

‐ Here, Uncle David!

Uncle David! Over here!

Ha ha!

I told you you were the bravest

person I'd ever met.

- Yeah?

- The clutch is on the left.

‐ The clutch is on the left.

Stay in character.

The clutch is on the left.

‐ It doesn't matter if we don't

win the game, Miss Caroline.

Felix did it!

‐ I used my putter as a shooty g*n.

Pew, pew! Pew!

‐ Whoa!

‐ There's heaps of them out there, though.

We've got to go!

‐ One, two, three! Eyes on me!

One, two! Eyes on you!

‐ Who wants to play putt‐putt golf?!

Arggh!

‐

Careful, duckies! Watch out!

Go, Max! Go, Max! Go, Max!

Go, Max! Go, Max! Go, Max!

Go, Max! Go, Max! Go, Max!

‐ Ha ha! You suck, you guys!

Yay!

‐ Okay. Sit down, now.

Good boy.

I spoke to Tess!

She said the military is on the road!

We just have to make it there!

‐ Thank you.

‐ Okay. Remember this one?

Sing with me, now.

♪ The wheels on the bus

go round and round ♪

♪ Round and round,

round and round ♪

♪ The wheels on the bus

go round and round ♪

♪ All through the town ♪

♪ Old Macdonald had a farm ♪

♪ E‐I‐E‐I‐O ♪

‐ Miss Caroline!

♪ If you're happy and you know it,

clap your hands ♪

♪ If you're happy and you know it,

clap your hands ♪

♪ If you're happy and you know it,

say hooray ♪

Hooray!

♪ If you're happy and you know it,

say hooray ♪

Hooray!

♪ If you're happy and you know it ♪

♪ And you really want to show it ♪

♪ If you're happy and you know it,

say hooray ♪

Hooray!

Let's go!

Move, move, move,

move, move, move!

Waiting for confirmation

to engage Hailstorm.

Target is T‐minus...

‐ Sir, what is it?

‐ Looks like we've got some survivors.

‐ They could be infected.

‐ Hey!

‐ ♪ Three little ducks

went out one day ♪

♪ Over the hills and far away

♪ Mother Duck said

quack, quack, quack... ♪

‐ How many are there?

‐ There's at least two.

One man driving a tractor,

a woman... playing a small guitar.

‐ Sir, that's a ukulele, sir!

‐ Well, whatever it is,

they're gonna be obliterated.

‐ ♪ Two little ducks

went out one day

♪ Over the hills

and far away... ♪

‐ Okay, let's bring 'em closer.

Everyone hold position!

‐ Let us through!

Wait for my command!

‐ ♪...little duck

went out one day ♪

♪ Over the hills and... ♪

‐ Is that singing?

‐ Who would be singing?

‐ Maybe it's the zombies, sir.

‐ Zombies don't sing.

‐ ♪ Five little ducks came back... ♪

‐ We got tiny children!

‐ Did he just say kids?

‐ Yes, sir.

‐ Kids.

Goddammit!

‐

‐ Sir.

‐ I can't sh**t kids.

Again.

‐ Sir!

That's against protocol, sir!

‐ All right, let 'em through!

Let 'em through!

‐ ♪ Five little ducks came back ♪

‐ Hey, this‐‐ it's music!

They're harmless

when you play music!

You've just got to sing them a song.

Sing them a song!

Open fire!

‐ It's okay!

Okay, you‐‐ you all need...

Okay. No, no, no.

Quick, quick. Come on.

Okay. Only one at a time.

Engage Hailstorm.

‐ Whew!

‐

‐ I'm sorry. I...

Whoa!

‐ Fireworks, everyone.

- ‐ Hey! Hey! Put them down!

- What are you doing?!

Put them down!

‐ Hey, man!

Felix, it's fine!

Jesus Christ!

‐ Is this the good news room

or the bad news room?

‐ Good news room, sir.

‐ All right!

Everyone needs to stop yelling!

‐ Where are our children?!

‐ Every class member is

safe and accounted for.

‐ Can someone please tell us

what's happened to them?

‐ Your children got caught up

in a, uh... a situation.

‐ Well, what the hell does that mean?

‐ I can't go into specifics.

But what I can say is

it could have been a lot worse

if it weren't for the actions

of their teachers.

‐ But they only have one teacher.

‐ Miss Caroline.

‐ Yeah, Audrey Caroline and David, uh...

‐ Anderson.

‐ Anderson.

‐ That's my brother.

That's Felix's uncle.

‐ Well, Miss Caroline and Mr. Anderson

managed to protect your children

in a potentially lethal situation

for which there is no precedent.

I'm... still not quite sure

how they did it.

They're currently in quarantine,

and we will need to monitor them

for the next 48 hours.

‐ They okay?

They must be terrified.

‐ Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

♪ I stay up too late ♪

♪ Got nothing in my brain ♪

♪ That's what people say, mm‐mm ♪

♪ That's what people say,

mm‐mm ♪

♪ I go on too many dates ♪

♪ But I can't make 'em stay ♪

♪ At least, that's what people say,

mm‐mm ♪

♪ That's what people say, mm‐mm ♪

♪ But I keep cruising ♪

♪ Can't stop, won't stop moving ♪

♪ It's like I've got this music

in my mind ♪

♪ Saying it's gonna be all right ♪

♪ 'Cause the players gonna

play, play, play, play, play ♪

♪ And the haters gonna hate,

hate, hate, hate, hate ♪

♪ Baby, I just wanna shake,

shake, shake, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake it off, shake it off ♪

♪ Heartbreakers gonna break,

break, break, break, break ♪

♪ And the fakers gonna fake,

fake, fake, fake, fake ♪

♪ Baby, I just wanna shake,

shake, shake, shake, shake ♪

♪ I shake it off,

I shake it off ♪

♪ I shake it off,

I shake it off, ah‐ah ♪

♪ I shake it off, I shake it off,

ah‐ah ♪

♪ I shake it off,

I shake it off, ah‐ah ♪

♪ I shake it off,

I shake it off ♪

And again now!

♪ Shake it off,

shake it off, ah‐ah ♪

♪ Shake it off, shake it off,

ah‐ah ♪

♪ I shake it off,

I shake it off, ah‐ah ♪

♪ I shake it off

I shake it off! ♪

- Hi, mommy!

- Hi, Daddy!

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You have so many

relationships in this life ♪

♪ Only one or two may last ♪

♪ You go through

all the pain and strife ♪

♪ Then you turn your back

and they're gone so fast ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ And they're gone so fast, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, so hold on to the ones

who really care ♪

♪ In the end,

they'll be the only ones there ♪

♪ And when you get old

and start losing your hair ♪

♪ Can you tell me

who will still care? ♪

♪ Can you tell me who

will still care? ♪

♪ Oh, care ♪

♪ Mmmbop, ba duba dop ♪

♪ Ba du bop, ba duba dop ♪

♪ Ba du bop,

ba duba dop ♪

♪ Ba du, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Mmmbop, ba duba dop ♪

♪ Ba du bop, ba duba dop ♪

♪ Ba du bop, ba duba dop ♪

♪ Ba du, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Said, oh, yeah ♪

♪ In an mmmbop they're gone ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Mmmbop ♪

♪ Du bop ♪

♪ Du bop ♪

♪ Du, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Mmmbop

Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Du bop ♪

♪ Du bop ♪

♪ Du, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Can you tell me? ♪

♪ Oh, no, you can't,

'cause you don't know ♪

♪ Can you tell me? ♪

♪ You say you can,

but you don't know ♪

♪ You say you can,

but you don't know ♪

♪ Come with us ♪

♪ As we giggle around ♪

♪ In the McGigglemobile ♪

♪ Traveling the whole world ♪

♪ Sharing special memories

with the kiddlywinks ♪

♪ Kiddlywinks ♪

Take it away, Teddy.

♪ There's no use ignoring ♪

♪ All our giggling

and guffawing ♪

♪ As we shower

the whole world with fun ♪

♪ Time and time again,

we will McGiggle with new friends ♪

♪ Because our giggles

are for everyone ♪

♪ Come giggle ♪

♪ I'll giggle with you ♪

Teddy, that's beautiful!

♪ Let's giggle ♪

♪ We'll giggle all together ♪

♪ I feel giggly

when we sing this song ♪

♪ Life's so fun

when you giggle along ♪

♪ Life's so fun ♪

♪ When you giggle along ♪

I love you, Teddy.

Eat sh*t, Frogsie.