01x01 - Inside Our Autistic Minds...: Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

It's beautiful, isn't it?

It's my favourite place
in the whole wide world.

But what do you see
when you look here?

I imagine you see trees,
green leaves, some branches,

a beautiful woodland scene.

But what I see is different,

because I'm seeing every trunk,
every branch.

I'm seeing the connections
between them.

And then I see the leaves.

I can see the slightly
different colours,

slightly different shapes,

any damage that's been done to them.

As a naturalist,
this is enormously beneficial.

But sometimes all of this,
the visual part of my world,

is simply too much.

It becomes utterly overwhelming.

And that's because I'm autistic.

In 2017, I first shared
my autism diagnosis on television.

Since then, I've been astonished
by the thousands of letters

and emails I've received
from other autistic people...

..some telling me the programme
had helped them connect

with the people around them, but
others telling me they're lonely,

miserable, even suicidal,

because they feel the world
doesn't understand them.

For me, these letters reveal
a hidden crisis,

because estimates suggest there
could be as many as 700,000

autistic people in the UK.

And I think that the wider world
still doesn't really understand

what it means to be autistic.

And this is a problem for those
of us who already feel excluded,

different, like we don't fit in.

In this series,
I want to do something about it.

Working with top film-makers,
graphic designers,

animators, and musicians,

I'm giving four autistic people
the chance to bring

their experiences to life...

That's it.

..by creating short films...

OK, cool.

..that reveal to their friends
and families...

To my mum.

..how they're really feeling inside.

Sometimes I can't cope at all.

I hope to give all of us a better
understanding of our autistic minds.

For much of my early life,
I felt completely misunderstood,

like no-one knew what was going on
inside my head,

how different my world was.

If I can now change that
for just one person,

then my work here will be done.

There's no one autistic experience.

Every autistic person has their
own unique set of strengths

and challenges, not always
apparent to the naked eye.

And that's certainly the case
for the first person I'm meeting.

I'm on lettuce. I'm on lettuce.
I've got tomatoes.

Get out my way!

Flo is 28 and lives in Wiltshire
with her husband Duncan.

No! Oh.
Immediately died.

Nearly everyone...
Immediately died.

In her spare time, she enjoys
performing improvised comedy,

and tonight, at this pub,
her troupe are topping the bill.

I don't know who's more scared,
Flo or me.

I'm not a fan of pubs,
or any busy noisy spaces,

and this room
is getting louder and louder.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's The Runaways.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is the last place

I would expect to find
another autistic person...

Thank you. Slightly overestimated
how tall I am there.

..let alone see one onstage.

I'm going to ask you to shout out
the name of this gerbil for me.

He doesn't have a name yet
because I've only just imagined him.

THEY SHOUT POTENTIAL GERBIL NAMES

Pretty sure that was
overwhelmingly Gary.

Now, improv might not be
my cup of tea,

but I am impressed
by Flo's confidence and wit.

It's often said that autistic people
struggle in large groups...

"She flung herself into his arms,
kissed him almost violently."

MWAH!

..but the audience are eating
out of her hands.

I can transfer you to a clinic.

LAUGHTER

Thank you ever so much.
We have been The Runaways.

CHEERING

You might not even realise
Flo is autistic,

but I suspect
this might be part of the act.

Hello.
All right?

OK?

Now I am, yeah.

Why weren't you before?

I was incredibly nervous.

A lot of the people who meet you,
I think, will see a confident

young woman who's on the stage
doing comedy in front of

a large audience of people.

These are not things that people
would normally associate

with autism.
No.

Why are you comfortable
to do improv?

I think for me, any conversation
at any point in time,

is improvisation.

So improv comedy for me is exactly
what I do when I go to the shop,

and the person behind the counter
is asking me about my day.

The way that I hope to communicate
with that person

is usually based on rules.

I love rules in a conversation.

I love small talk because if someone
goes, "How are you doing?

"How was your day?" I can go,
"It was great, thank you.

"How was yours?"
I know what comes next.

But that isn't really you.
Mm.

That's something that you've created
in order to be able to exist

in that environment.
Yeah.

So typically, we would describe that
as masking,

and a lot of autistic people
use that.

Mm. I mean, the eye contact
that I'm making with you now...

You're conscious of it.
Yeah.

So am I.
Yeah.

It's weird, isn't it?
And I'm not looking at your eyes.

I'm looking here.
Yeah. Yeah.

So would you say, then...?

Masking or camouflaging is when
autistic people consciously copy

the behaviour and mannerisms
of others,

whilst keeping anything
society deems unusual hidden away.

I'm never speaking my native
language, and it is exhausting.

I'm really tired.
I've burnt out from work,

I've burnt out from friendships,
I isolate myself sometimes,

and that happens more frequently
than I would like it to.

What percentage of your life
do you think is that added part

you've built around your personality
so that you can be

socially functional?

I'd say 95% of my time
that I'm awake, I am masking.

When I'm with my husband, Duncan,
I'm not under the same pressure.

I think he's the only human being
alive who's ever seen me unmasked.

What about your parents?
No.

This is shocking,
but sadly, not uncommon.

OK.

And this is what Flo hopes
to address in the film

we're going to make together...

Did you grow up around here,
then, Flo?

I didn't.

My mum in the last few years has
lived here with my stepdad, Ian.

Hello?

..because if there's one person in
the world she'd really like

to open up to, it's her mum, Ruth.

Hi, Chris, nice to meet you.
How do you do? My mum.

Now, Flo wasn't diagnosed as
autistic until her early 20s...

I've got loads of photos of Flo.

Just a couple, then.
Just a couple.

..so I'm curious whether there were
any clues in her childhood.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm in a lot of boxes,

and that's me at my birthday,
very, very anxious.

Yes. Didn't like that at all,
did you?

I didn't want... I didn't want
the attention, I don't think.

This is me and my childhood
best friend, Daisy.

She's obviously come round
for a playdate.

And you're reading a book.

And I was in my own little
bubble there. Mm.

I'm not paying any attention
to anything that was around me. Mm.

Do you remember when I used to feel
sick a lot at primary school? Mm.

It's because I was so anxious
about going into school

and masking all day
in front of these children.

I knew that they weren't
real stomach-aches,

and I did go to the GP,

and the GP said,
"It's like an abdominal migraine."

"Abdominal migraine."
That's what the GP said.

I didn't know you as a child,
and I don't really know you now,

of course, but there's a picture
developing, isn't there?

And it's not one that needs to be
printed on a piece of paper.

Knowing now that I was
a little autistic child,

looking at these pictures
tells a more in-depth story

than I think we thought at the time.

Here's a difficult question to ask
a mother - as a percentage,

how well do you think
you know your daughter?

I will say...

..93%.

Very precise.
Yes!

I love the precision.
I love the three.

I won't ask why the difference
between two and three.

That's a very high percentage.
Yeah.

OK, Flo, now, you've got to be
honest, as an autistic person -

what percentage do you think
that your mum knows you?

Probably 70%.

OK.
Mm.

Yeah.
Yeah.

There's a 23% difference.

There is a bit of a difference,
yeah.

How do you feel the chat
with your mum went, then?

Mm.

I want to, you know,
embark on being more open with her

about what it is like having autism.

But I'm afraid that...

I'm still afraid that she'd be
upset or disappointed

if she saw both sides of me,
or the whole me.

You don't think the good
would outweigh...

I'm not going to say it's bad.
..the other?

I think it probably would.

I think it's just difficult
for me to get there.

It felt like, when I was born,
I wasn't given the handbook

on being a normal human being,
and I hated myself. Mm.

Still something that I struggle
with, to be honest.

It's one of the things that gets me
up and makes me want to talk

about these sorts of things.

I still feel that there are
teenagers,

people in their early 20s,
out there in their bedrooms,

beating themselves to death, quite
frankly, because there isn't

an option for them in that moment.
Mm.

And we've got to say to them,
you know, "There is..." Mm.

..and it does continue
to get better.

Mm. That's good for me to know,
actually.

Yeah.
Yeah.

I want to give Flo the confidence
to show more of her autistic self,

but I worry about whether she'll
be able to let that mask slip.

There's a saying that,
if you've met one autistic person,

then you've met one autistic person,

and the next person I'm meeting
couldn't be more different from Flo.

OK, so Murray is 20 years old,
lives in Oxfordshire.

He's non-speaking.

Now, some people say nonverbal.

The thing is that Murray
has never spoken.

Instead, he communicates
by typing on a tablet,

which is a slow and tiring process.

The key thing is that,
despite not speaking,

Murray desperately wants people
to know

what's going on inside his mind.

Because of Murray's
communication challenges,

I'm meeting him with his mum,
Kerith...

Hello.
Hi.

Hi, Kerith.

..and his dad,
Radio 2 DJ Ken Bruce.

So, Murray, you have to know there's
no pressure in any way, shape,

or form, but we're really keen to
understand more about your world.

What do you want to say?

HE LAUGHS

Is it a bit overwhelming?

Sometimes when Murray laughs,

he just finds it all
a little bit overwhelming.

Shall we have a go?

Murray is anxious around new people,

has difficulty processing
his thoughts,

and is sensitive to sudden noises,

which he uses headphones
to try and block out.

He also has apraxia,
which affects his fine motor skills.

He can't always get to the letter
that he wants immediately.

He needs time,
so it can be a very slow process.

Ready to say anything?

He needs a bit of encouragement,
just a hand on his shoulder,

make him realise
that's the arm to use.

So, Murray,
do you want me to play it out?

Yes, please pick a voice for me
to speak with,

as autistic people
need to be heard in this world.

OK. Well done, Murray. Thank you.

Thank you, Murray.

Murray's response struck me
as a little strange,

but then my producer explained
that earlier, they'd asked Murray

how he'd feel about having an actor
voice his words in the series.

His answer, "Please pick a voice for
me," was the most important thing

for him to communicate
in this moment.

Going for a wander, Murray?

So Murray's moved over to the
other side of the room there.

Yeah.

It's probably just a little bit
overwhelming for him.

Just needs a little break
every so often,

just to process things, really.
Yeah.

Whilst Murray takes some time
for himself,

Kerith shares with me some of
the things he's written previously

about his autistic experience.

"I would like to speak on behalf
of people who have autism

"and for people who have difficulty
in speaking.

"Every person with autism should
be made welcome to contribute

"to the world as much as those

"who consider themselves
intellectually superior."

It's very profound,

and the first thing it illustrates
is that he's very intelligent.

Mm. Absolutely.

So this is a pretty clear message.

Yeah, he's not holding back.

And it can be forgotten that
just because he can't speak

doesn't mean that... He's got so
much going on in his brain,

so much to give and so much to say.

I want to see what Murray's like
when he's completely at ease,

a place where he has fun,

so that afternoon, we head
to Horses Helping People...

Murray, do you want to go out
to the fields?

Do some poo picking?

Do you want to take the barrow?

..a stables where autistic children
and teenagers

can spend time caring for animals.

It's lovely to see you, Murray.

When was the last time
Murray was here?

About two years ago.

I think we can safely say
he's missed coming. Yeah! He has.

Murray has been visiting the stable
since the age of five.

Yeah, you get that one, Murray.

I'll get this one over here.

It was great to see Murray
arriving here.

He was just like,
"Yeah! Let's get going."

Shall we work together on that one?

It's great.
It's a great environment to be in.

Can you help me with Commander?

That's it. Over to the arena.

And can you shut the gate for me?

Ken, have you ever been struck
by the irony that you essentially

make a living out of talking

whilst the son who you love so much
is non-speaking?

Yeah, it has struck me.

It's a cruel irony, and I don't
think it's lost on Murray either.

I talk a lot for my work,
but because Murray's utterances

on the iPad and keyboard are so few
and far between, what he says

has a real power and influence,
and each word has to be treasured,

I think.

Murray, do you want to
help with the hay?

Put some hay into the rack?

He gets so frustrated, gets so down,
not being able to speak.

I think he gets frustrated hearing
his siblings chattering away,

and he's often commented
that he wishes he could join in,

he wishes he could just
say what he feels instantly.

I think he gets really worried about
what other people think of him,

and angry as well, and upset,
that people still think that,

because he can't speak, he doesn't
have anything in his brain.

Sometimes it's because he's heard
people talking about him,

so he internalises it and it
makes him more and more obsessed.

Chris, I've got something
that Murray wrote

about his time down here.

Debbie La-Haye owns and runs
the stables,

and has got to know Murray well
over the years.

"Sometimes I don't want to ride,
but just be in the same area

"as the horses because they breathe
understanding into the air,

"and it fills me with warmth
and immunity against ignorance.

"The horses are dear souls
in an autistic world."

People are going to look at Murray,

and they're going to do
what they always do,

which is make a snap judgment,

and they simply won't believe
that this has come out of his mind.

Yeah, he gets right to the heart
of things.

And if this is inside his head, it
makes you wonder what else is there,

doesn't it?

I want to help Murray
take his message to the world,

and I'm hoping the film
we're going to create together

will do just that,
to breathe life into his words

and give him the chance

to be a voice for
non-speaking autistic people.

In Salisbury, I'm keen to find out
more about the unmasked Flo,

the authentic self
she wants to share in her film...

Hello. Hello.
How are you doing?

Got a bad back.
Have you? So have I.

Do you want to come in?

Hello.
Hello.

Duncan. Nice to meet you.

..with the help of her husband,
Duncan.

Flo, you said that you were only
able to drop your mask completely

in front of Duncan.
Yep.

So, Duncan, what's Flo like
when the mask is off?

She is very quiet,
incredibly self-focused,

and almost dead to the world.

It is very different than what
you look like normally, I think.

You've told me I get a sort of
glazed over look in my eye,

and that I'll appear to zone out of
whatever situation that we're in.

Yeah. Quite often times,
that can be fairly innocuous,

and you'll go about
whatever you're doing.

Mm-hm. And, you know,
I can be in my own little bubble.

For many autistic people,
unmasking means going against

years of training yourself
to act in a certain way,

years of hiding
stigmatised behaviour.

I do occasionally
do repetitive movements,

so I might rock back and forth here
on the sofa,

and you'll check in with me and go,
"Is that a good one or a bad one?"

Because sometimes I'll do it
if I'm happy.

My hands tend to creep up here,
don't they?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, there's like a...
There's this kind of reaction.

Yeah. Must be freaky.

SHE CHUCKLES

This is exactly the kind of
behaviour Flo wants to reveal

to her mum, so I'm leaving her and
Duncan with a camera

to try and capture
these unmasked moments.

Meanwhile...

I'll jump in the back.

..Flo is keen for me to understand
just how severe things can get...

I feel like a child
being taken out for the day.

We're off to the seaside today,
Chris.

Are we nearly there yet?
Yeah, nearly.

..so she wants to tell me
about an incident that happened

just a few weeks ago.

It was a normal weekday evening,
and we needed to go to the shop.

Yeah, I'd just finished work
and come home.

We decided 7:00,
and that we were going to Tesco's,

so I'm preparing myself for the
horrific sensory overload onslaught

that is a big shop.

And it's about probably here
in the journey, actually,

on this bit of road,
that I realised that

we're not going in the direction
that I think we're going in.

In my mind, the closest shop was
Sainsbury's, which is just in town.

Um...

And so in my mind, as I was...
And you hadn't previously

communicated that you were going to
Sainsbury's instead of Tesco's.

No. It was a surprise, basically.

I had forgotten
that we had agreed Tesco's.

So you're probably in the dark
at this point in time,

at how stressed I am
about the whole situation. Yeah.

But I had a lot of thoughts
in my head

and words that I wanted to say,
and because there were so many,

it was like trying to pass rocks
through a filter.

I couldn't do it.
I couldn't get it out of my mouth.

Flo was entering
what's called a shutdown.

When autistic people experience
high levels of sudden anxiety,

it can leave us feeling
totally overwhelmed,

unable to process thoughts
and unable to speak.

You were saying,
"What's going on? What's wrong?"

And I'm thinking...

"Can't you see that I can't
communicate with you right now?

"I can't say things to you
otherwise I would be."

What did you say? You said something
like, "I'll do the shopping,

"I'll be 15 minutes and then we'll
get in the car and we'll go home."

Yeah.
What's happened subsequently?

Presumably you've been back here
to Sainsbury's?

Yeah.
Normally I'd stay at home, though.

You tend to avoid coming
to big supermarkets. Me too.

I've seen enough of Sainsbury's,
actually,

I don't want to go inside it.
Why don't we head home?

Let's do it. As far away from
the clutter, sound and smells

of a supermarket as possible.
Yes, please.

Stressing me out just being
in the car park, to be honest.

Autistic people
who continuously mask

are thought to be more susceptible
to shutdowns,

and for Flo, they're yet another
sign that something in her life

needs to change.

Back in Oxfordshire,

I'm spending the day with Murray
at another of his favourite haunts,

a local railway museum.

I fear that being non-speaking
not only masks his intelligence,

but his personality, too.

There's a brilliant carriage
up here, Murray.

It's really, really beautiful,
the one at the end.

I haven't been on it yet.

So I want to get to know him better
and earn his trust.

Oh, wow. Look at this.

Look at this!

Beautiful. Look.

This is Winston Churchill, Prime
Minister in the Second World w*r.

Sitting in his chair!

CHRIS LAUGHS

Sitting in Winston Churchill's
chair.

MURRAY LAUGHS

CHRIS LAUGHS

And there's Winston Churchill's
hat there.

Even though our chats
are a little one-sided,

I genuinely feel
we're building a rapport.

I might do a photo.

Are you able to look round the side?

Right, can you look out
round the side like this, Murray?

So like this, I'll go down there
and you have a look around the side.

Here you go.

I know. I'm never keen on pictures
myself either.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Can you imagine sitting down,
listening to a conversation,

and he's there...

..understanding,
thinking about,

but can't respond in time.

It would be like some sort of
t*rture, isn't it, really?

Shall we put this down for now?

Not at the moment. OK. OK.

When you're ready.

Oh, well done, thank you.
That's brilliant.

Thank you very much.
Do you want to say anything?

"Please tell...

"Please tell people that...

"..I really...

"..yearn...to...

"..speak."

MURRAY VOCALISES

You're OK.
Murray has begun to tell me

what he wants to express
in his film,

but because of how long it takes him
to process his thoughts,

I'm going to send him a list
of questions over email.

Murray, are you happy for me
to send you some emails

so that you can think about
the questions?

Would you be happy with that?

Happy with that?

Thanks. That's great.
Thank you.

These emails will be used to
form a script for Murray's film.

I'm excited to see what he writes.

Whilst I wait for Murray's response,
I receive a video from Flo.

She's managed to capture
some of her unmasked behaviour,

and I'm eager to watch.

It's brilliant that she's felt
brave enough to do this.

Because this is what she's been
hiding all of her life.

And this is the sort of behaviour
that most autistic people

are...ridiculed for.

The thing is, it's expressionless,

but inside there's
just so much going on.

I know what happens
when I get like this.

Your head's on fire,

but outside it looks like
there's nothing happening.

It's quite...
Well, I find it, you know,

it's quite powerful
because obviously I relate to it.

Someone in agony.
That's what it is.

It's like watching someone
who's, at that point in time,

in an enormous amount of distress.

And that's how it's manifesting
for Flo.

So it's a bit close to the bone,
really.

It's brave of Flo to allow me
to see her completely unmasked.

And these clips will play
an important part

in the film for her mum.

To expand my own understanding
of masking,

I've come to Limpsfield Grange,
the only state school in the country

exclusively for autistic girls.

Flo's skill at masking
was a key reason

nobody noticed she was autistic
until she was an adult.

So I want to ask
headteacher Sarah Wild

and Professor Francesca Happe
from King's College, London

whether masking might be
preventing women and girls

from getting support.

So do you have young women with you
who in another state school

might just be seen as
a little odd, shy? Obsessive?

Yes, I think that's really common.

I think what autistic girls
are really great at

from a very early age is masking.

Do you think girls
are better at that than boys?

I think they're more
socially motivated.

So friendships
and being part of a group

is hugely important
to autistic girls.

And they look around, they socially
scan, they look at what other people

are doing and then they behave
like them,

but they don't really understand
where that behaviour comes from,

and doing that is exhausting.

But also, if they're doing
that successfully then that would

also mean...they wouldn't even
approach the diagnosis. No.

They wouldn't get that far
because teachers, friends,

maybe even family
wouldn't recognise it. That's it.

Francesca, historically,
there was always the thought

that there were more autistic men
than women.

Yes. 20, 30 years ago,
the thought was

that there were maybe ten times
as many males as females.

Now the research has taken off
to recognise

we're underdiagnosing autism
in women and girls,

and a very recent study suggests

it might be coming closer to
two to one.

If that's the case,
and it is not ten to one,

but it's two to one, that means
there's an enormous number

of undiagnosed women
compared to men.

There might be 35,000 women
and girls who are walking around

who would warrant a diagnosis
but haven't got it.

And we don't know, of course,
what's going on with them -

whether they're flying
under the radar happily

or whether they're really,
really struggling. Yeah.

We need to fight this bias
that autism is somehow

just about boys and men and think,
"Could this be autism?"

when we see a girl or woman
struggling socially. Yes.

I think the repercussions are huge.

The girls that come to us can
identify, even being seven, eight,

feeling really different,
feeling really isolated,

feeling really lonely.

LAUGHTER

At this school, the students
are encouraged to unmask

and show their true feelings,
which can be a challenge

after years of feeling
a need to conform.

Animal-lover Eva
was diagnosed aged ten,

after struggling
at her mainstream primary.

Are you happy with the goats
where they are, Eva?

Yeah, I love goats.

I used to get picked on,

and the teachers
just didn't understand me.

How would you describe yourself
at that point?

Isolated.

Confused.

Wanting to have friends.

And can you contrast that with
the time that you've spent

here at Limpsfield?

I would say...friends.

A driving burn to be successful.

One of the benefits of going
to the school is that you can learn

how to fit in with society.

You get to learn society's
unwritten rules.

Daisy has also excelled
since moving here.

Did you go to mainstream
school before? Yes. And?

That was an experience

that I don't think anyone
would want to go through.

Yeah, I just got picked on,
to be fair.

And when you moved here,
things got better?

Oh, things have got way better.

I actually have learned something,
actually got the help that I needed.

SARAH WILD: Ultimately,
I'm very aware of

the long-term mental-health toll

of trying to fit in,
of blending, of camouflaging.

We do know from population-based
studies that about 70%

of children and adults
who are autistic

will have at least one
mental health condition.

So anxiety and depression
are very common.

ADHD is also common, and sadly
suicide is greatly increased,

and autistic women
without intellectual disability

are the most at risk.
And the figure is an eight-fold risk

above the general population
for suicide.

So intelligent autistic women
are eight times more likely

to commit suicide?
Yes. Yeah.

It's quite staggering, isn't it?
And tragic, obviously.

SIGHS

These sobering statistics underline
the huge mental health toll

placed on autistic women
by the wider world,

and I'm leaving here
with a much better understanding

of why it's crucial
for Flo to unmask.

I'm back on the day job,
filming Springwatch in Norfolk...

..when I start receiving
script ideas for Murray.

So I asked, "If you had
all the world stage

"to speak for non-speaking autistic
people, what would you say?"

He's replied, "Really listen to me
and take note,

"as I am really
speaking from my heart.

"I plead with you to please
understand and open your minds."

Wow.

"Let me tell you what
it was like for me

"before I could communicate
through typing."

"I was alone in my world
of deep and troubled pining

"for a person to hear me."

"I would wonder if that day
would ever come.

"I was frustrated
and pining for acknowledgement

"that I had thoughts and opinions
and worries,

"and no-one could hear me."

I mean, frankly,

this is enough to bring a tear
to your eye, isn't it?

I don't know whether it's because
I have some...

..form of affinity for Murray,
but I find that incredibly touching

and, you know,
and even a bit sentimental.

I'm not normally sentimental
about such things.

For a non-speaking autistic person
to have Murray's intellect

and the ability to type
is actually quite rare.

More often, if an autistic person
has no speech at all,

it's because they also have
a severe learning disability.

DOOR OPENS

Hello! Hi, Chris.
Jason. How you doing?

I'm very well, yes.
Nice to meet you.

Here at Freedom Active,
a day centre in Leicestershire,

Jason Kinch and his team
make it their mission

to connect with every autistic adult
who comes here,

whatever their support needs.

We've got our family tree over here.

All the people that attend
our service over the week,

they come, they live at home
or in supported living,

and learn life skills and do
activities throughout the day.

Marky has a complex
communication disorder,

and whilst his support workers

believe he has a good understanding
of the world,

he's unable to tell us
what he's thinking.

Hello, Marky. How are you?
What are you up to?

They've been using picture cards
to try and make a connection.

Marky, can you give me the bear?

Because he understands the word
and the picture,

but sometimes he...
He can't vocalise it.

He has to process a lot of things.

Get me the bear. Bear.

Bear. That's it, well done!

High five.

Whilst I'll never be able to have
a conversation with Marky,

I still want to communicate with him
in whatever way I can.

Can I have the tiger, please, Marky?

Thank you.

High five! There we are.

Fantastic.

Siberian tiger.

Thank you, Marky.

26-year-old James
uses an electronic talker

to make his feelings known to
support worker Zonya.

He will prompt us
with how he's feeling.

Routine.

JAMES THROUGH TALKER: Happy.
So he's telling you he's happy.

So...

Zonya is happy.

This is happy face. Yeah.

So it's got an electronic chip
underneath the Velcro,

if you can just see that.
Yeah.

Coming here is a good reminder
that speech,

whilst fast and flexible,

isn't the only means
of communication.

Typing, signing, cards and gestures
all have a role to play.

We learn 20 people's
different languages,

so once we understand them all,
then it makes our job easier.

Little things
make a difference to us.

You know, we had the team in tears

over somebody saying their name
for the first time

because it's a real big,
massive moment.

It's clearly a great place
where there's an enormous amount

of effort and endeavour
going into making sure

that for this part of their lives,

the people who visit here
are enriched.

LAUGHS

Yeah.

And at the same time, it's just...

I don't know.

You just think, wouldn't it be great
if everyone had a USB port

and you could just stick something
in and then read their minds?

All right, Shaun.

My visit has reminded me
how crucial it is

that we try to understand
the experiences

of every autistic person.

My hope is that Murray
can act as a bridge

to the non-speaking community -
that his film will allow us

a glimpse of a world
without words...

Thank you, Jason.
You're welcome. Nice to meet you.

Thank you. Bye-bye. Take care.

..and help us understand more

about those unable to speak
for themselves.

Murray is keen that we find an actor
to speak his words in the film

rather than using the computerised
voice of his tablet.

So I've asked
four voiceover artists,

all of whom are autistic themselves,

to record a short script
he's written.

It's up to Murray
to pick his favourite.

Right. So shall we have a listen
to this?

The voice that best represents him.

This is voice number one. OK?
Number one.

I am an autistic person.

I'm a person who wants
to be accepted.

I am an autistic person.

Nonverbal people
are pleasing to be around.

They sense the world in a literally
deeper way than those who can talk.

We are deep thinkers
and we are people-watchers.

OK. Excellent.

So, Murray,
any of those similar to yourself?

Which number do you think is the
voice that sounds most like you?

Number two?
Let's turn the card over, Murray.

Turn the card over.

Ah, Harrison! So Harrison's
going to be your voice.

Why did you think
it was mostly like you?

I...space...F-E-E...

I feel...

..H-A-P-P-Y.

I feel happy.

I feel happy that I will be...

I feel happy that I will be heard
as a normal...M-A...N.

As a normal man. Well done.

That's lovely, Murray.

You've got a voice! Yeah?

INDISTINCT INSTRUCTIONS

Meanwhile, Flo has started work
on her film,

which will help her open up
to her mum.

I've suggested she describes
her experiences

in the form of a letter

which my camera crew
will film her performing.

To my mum. I knew
from a very young age

that I was different.
We both did.

That's as far as I can remember.
Sorry. That's perfect.

I think I'd like for her to know
that I am a silent person.

It would be good for her to see
the times that I'm not OK.

It would save me a lot of exhaustion
if I could just be...

..authentically me, unmasked.

Footage recorded,
the animation team get to work.

We're using computer graphics
to represent

everything going through Flo's head
during a conversation -

everything her mum doesn't see.

Every detail has to be true
to Flo's experience.

The text is even
based on her handwriting.

Great. Hey. Hi.
This is Harrison.

In a professional
recording studio,

Murray's script is read by
his chosen voiceover artist,

Harrison.

So how are you with eye contact?

It fluctuates. OK.
So, very often,

I don't notice
that I'm making eye contact,

and when I do notice it,
it's really hard.

Well, you don't have to make
eye contact.

I can look over there? Yeah,
look at... Yeah. Look over my...

Look at that speaker... OK.
..and tell the speaker the line.

I have no voice,
but yearn to say so much.

If you are willing to listen,
I will try to say how I feel.

I like that.
Straight onto box nine.

Walk in from the side, here.

Just look straight ahead.

That's really good.
Well done.

Words complete - on to the pictures.

Can you stand up for me?

Inspired by the photos I took
in the Railway Museum,

I've asked award-winning
photographer Richard Ansett

to capture Murray
in a series of portraits.

Other way. Facing the camera -
that way.

That's brilliant.
That is good.

And look straight there.

These photos will be incorporated
into an animation

to bring his words to life.

Do you think it's gone well?

Do you think we've got everything
we needed?

I think... I think it's good, right?

Thank you.

Ken and Kerith explained
that for Murray,

a tap to the chest
is a sign of acceptance.

Good. Very good.

Joe?

Murray is a big fan of the theatre,

so the animators are combining
origami animals, stop-motion and CGI

to create a fantastical show,

which we hope will reflect
Murray's vibrant interior world.

The day of Flo's screening
has arrived.

I'm back at the pub
where I first saw her perform.

But today there'll only be
one person in the audience.

Her mum.

Hello, Flo.
Hello.

Should we go through the mandatory,
"How are you?"

I'll answer with, "I'm fine,"
even though it might not be true,

and I'll ask you, "How are you?"

And I'll say, "I'm fine,"
even though I'm not.

And we might as well just gloss
over what I'm not fine about

to get on with the business.
Suits me. Excellent.

Big day.

It is a big day.

I'm quite nervous.

I've seen my film and I love it.

I think it's great. I...

The nervousness comes in that...
that Mum is going to see it

and I don't know how she'll react
and I don't know if she'll be sad.

Aah!

Your mum's a great person.

I met her.
She loves you so much. I know.

I know it's going to be a shock
for her,

and I know there
will be difficulties.

But ultimately, I think one of the
reasons why you've chosen to do it

is you sense a piece of
indestructibility

in that relationship
because you are close,

you're both bright
and, you know...

And you want this. Yes.

Shall we...? Well, I'm going to go
and show it to your mum.

Yeah. I might hide. Yeah, well,
hide for the moment. Yeah.

Hello, Ruth.

Hi, Chris. Hi.

How are you feeling?

OK.

Yeah, yeah.

Flo's a bit nervous.
Yeah, I'm a bit nervous.

I don't know what I'm going
to be seeing.

What Flo hopes you're going to see
is a little bit

that you haven't seen before. OK.

Yeah, I'm going to put
my glasses on. I'm properly ready.

OK. OK.
Let's roll the movie.

To my mum.

I knew from a very young age
that I was different.

We both did.

The way I'd sort my toys,

that I'd insist on different plates
for different foods.

Birthday parties made me anxious.

And by the time I was
four years old,

I became so sure that if I didn't
hide my differences,

people wouldn't like me.

So I became a version of myself

I thought those around me
would accept.

I became a mimic.

Copying other people,
imitating normal behaviour,

and suppressing anything weird.

For most people, these rules come
naturally, automatically.

Their faces match their voices
match their feelings.

But I had to think about
every little thing.

In the end, I put so much effort
into this mask of normality

that nobody could even tell
that I had one.

When you're autistic,
masking, camouflaging,

it's a survival strategy.

It's to avoid judgment
or avoid bullying.

It's a way to fit in
to the non-autistic world.

I have masked with everybody
in my life.

Including you, Mum.

I wanted to be the perfect child.

I wanted to make you proud.

But now I'm tired.

It's exhausting, pretending
to be normal all the time.

SIGHS

I'm beginning to think

it might be time
to embrace my authentic self,

to show you the things
you don't normally see.

But I'm scared.

I'm worried that
if I'm quiet and still,

or my face doesn't match
my feelings,

then you'll think
that I'm being rude.

I'm worried that if you see me
rocking back and forth

or flapping my hands, then
you'll think that I'm not OK.

And I'm worried that if you see me
silent, unable to speak,

you'll think that I need fixing.

It might not come easily for me
straight away,

but I'm ready to be myself.

I hope you won't be disappointed.

I love you always.

Your daughter, Flo.

I find it hard that she said
that if she was...

..that she needs to be
the perfect child,

otherwise nobody would love her.

I love her for all of the things
that she is.

I wish she didn't feel like that
when she was a child.

And of course she can be herself.

Let me...

Let me go and get her.

Yeah.

OK? Yeah.

Hello.

Hiya.

I love you. I love you.

Er...

Well, now I'm going to cry as well.

But you're OK?

I am OK. Bit sad?

I'm sad because I want to scoop up
the five-year-old you. Mm-hm.

Me too. And say it's OK. Yeah?

And if we could turn the clock back
and I knew what I know today,

it would be...

Maybe I would have been able to
give you some reassurance about...

"It's OK. It's absolutely OK."
You know. Yeah.

All through my childhood
and my teenage life

and my adult life,
you've been so accepting...

I'm going to cry.
..of everything that I am.

Because you're lovely!
I'm all right!

But, like... It's...

It's scary being different.

It wasn't anything about you.

It was the world, really.

But I...

Please, you know, you don't have to
mask in front of me any more.

That's why I wanted this video
for you,

I wanted this film
to tell you that.

But it's been really hard to go,
"I've always been kind of acting."

Yeah. Didn't expect to get snotty.

I know. Do you want a tissue?
Is it a clean one?

Yes, I've got a new one. Thank you.

Have you got
an entire microfibre cloth?

THEY LAUGH

For emergencies?

They're for cleaning my glasses,
cos they get so dirty.

Our mission,
and my determined mission here

is that each of
our participants,

Flo in this instance,
would reach a point

where something meaningful
changes for them in their lives.

And here, she is almost striking
a vow to allow herself to unmask,

certainly at the outset
for her mother.

But then she said, you know, "I want
to be able to do this at work.

"I want to be able to
do this socially.

"I want to be able to do this
whenever."

I see Flo's film
as the blue touchpaper.

And I hope that, you know,
this afternoon it's been lit,

and from that there'll be
a fizzy, fantastic firework

and her life will be better.

Ohh. I love you. I love you.

Very much. Well done.
Thank you.

Murray's film is also ready
to share with the world,

so I'm back at
Horses Helping People.

Do you want to come and see
the party barn?

Go on. The party barn?
Everyone's getting ready.

Debbie has been busy preparing
the stables for the screening,

but there's still a few
last-minute jobs.

Not a great fan of bunting,
if you really want to know.

Unnecessary decorative frippery.

But I'll go with the bunting today.

I'm slightly worried tonight.

It's going to be very challenging
for Murray.

I'm not sure that he's going
to have the time to process

what he might want to say about it
by typing.

So we've got to go into it
with very different expectations

and think, this is about
the bigger picture.

Non-speaking autistic people finally
having a voice to say something

and Murray acting
as their ambassador.

Hi, Murray.
How's everyone feeling?

Yeah, excited, I think. And Murray?
Excited?

Yeah, I think we can say that. Yeah!

We've got some comfy bales. Lovely!

We've got blankets
so you don't get itchy bottoms.

So come and join us.

Alongside Murray's parents
are his brother Charlie,

sister Verity
and cousins Sarah and Louise.

Also in the audience
are several close family friends

and a very special guest.

Thanks for giving up the time
to come. No worries at all.

It's an absolute pleasure.

Right, everyone, I'm really pleased
to introduce Harrison.

Oh, hello! Hi, Harrison. Hi.

Young man that Murray very carefully
chose to be the voice.

Look, join us. Have a seat.
Thank you.

Every single word in this film

comes with a cost that
most of us can't imagine.

And so it's extremely precious
and very, very poignant.

I can detect the air of
anticipation.

LAUGHTER

Let's roll the movie.

I am an autistic person.

It is obvious when you see me.

I have no voice,
but yearn to say so much.

If you are willing to listen,
I will try to say how I feel.

I live in a total blur of
information.

If I have too many people in a room
at one time and one place,

it is too overwhelming for me
to have to process.

BLUR OF NOISE

I have to jiggle my brain
to make it settle.

It's just how I cope.

Water takes my pain away
because it allows me to lose myself

in a place that asks no questions
of my abilities.

Every drop lets me be me.

Before I could communicate
through typing,

I remember that I was frustrated
by people who were kind,

but didn't know my brain
was as good as people who can speak.

I remember being told that I liked
the Teletubbies, which I did,

but I wanted to move on, and was
desperate to read books for my age.

Now I have the chance
to speak up for people like me.

ECHOING: I'm speaking from my heart.

Nonverbal people
are pleasing to be around

because we sense the world
in a deeper way than those who talk.

Because we cannot express
our emotions instantly,

we become deep thinkers.
People-watchers.

We have the same dreams
as everyone else,

so please don't treat us
differently.

Each of us is a star,

eager to be discovered and named
in the atmosphere.

If you acknowledge our abilities,
we can shine brighter.

We have so much to say.

Please hear us.

APPLAUSE

Murray!

It's brilliant.

Murray, well done.

I'm so proud of you.
It's brilliant.

Wow. Murray, perhaps if you have
some thoughts,

you could let us know.

That...

..was...

..awesome, and Harrison is perfect.

I think we're all better people
for knowing Murray.

He's made such a big difference
to all our lives.

We can actually understand how
deeply he thinks about things.

We've been very privileged
to be part of his life.

His whole experience is expressed
there in just a few minutes.

It's... It's wonderful.
Wonderful.

That just sums up everything
about Murray, and it's just lovely

to be telling us how his world is.

And his voice,
the actual, like, words

that he said...
and, like, I'm like...

LAUGHTER

One thing that really hit me hard

was right at the end
where Murray said, "Hear us."

I think it's up to all of us
to actually start listening

in a way that may take us
outside our comfort zone.

Yeah.

All right, Murray?

LAUGHTER

I can't think of another occasion
where I've seen and heard

a non-speaking autistic person

issuing such a clear
and honest plea.

And I found the whole process
quite emotional.

MURRAY THROUGH TABLET: I am happy...

..that the world...

..can see...

..the real me.

I just think you can't have listened
to his words, seen that film,

and then ever look at
an autistic person like Murray

and jump to those conclusions

which are so damaging and hurtful
and harmful.

That makes me feel good.

Next time...

# Every time I rap

# I bring something different
to the table... #

..I help a rapper explain
how noise is ruining his life...

My heroes are in here.

..and a footie fan call time on
hiding his reliance on routine.

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