03x06 - The New Adventures of Old Christine

[bunniefuu]

hey,what are you watching?

Uh,oprah.

This woman adopted 17 kids.

Then her husband died and oprah...

Bought her a house.

Give me the damn tissue.

She is just k*lling me.

Wow,I haven't seen you this
emotional since yesterday

when oprah paid for
surgery for the turtle lady.

You didn't tell me
about the turtle lady.

Barb,the woman looked like a turtle.

I didn't think you could handle it.

I do not care for people who look
like things that aren't people.

god,I love oprah.

She is so happy and
generous and successful.

You know what makes
her different from me?

You just listed three things.

N-n-no.

She doesn't let little
things bother her.

You know,she believes there's an infinite amount
of happiness in the world and the more you give,

the more you receive.

I'm gonna start being more like oprah.

This isn't going to be like the time when
you decided to be more like andy rooney?

Because that got real
annoying real fast.

No,no,although I did think I made
some very interesting observations.

Why are cd cases so hard to open?

Anyway,you know what?

This is gonna be good for me 'cause I've
been thinking about this for a while.

I'm gonna let go and
give back to the universe.

Hey,can you start by giving me back
the $100 you borrowed last week?

Yeah,take it up with the universe.

Hey,what's going on?

Nothing.

Just stopped by to say hi.

And while I'm here I was wondering if I
could take our old couch out of the garage.

I'm thinking about
moving into a new place.

Sure,go ahead.

When are you thinking you might move?

I don't know. Tomorrow.

You found an apartment already?

I don't know.

Bought a house.

You bought a house?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

What? What are you sorry for?

That's great. Congratulations.

I don't know why you're making a big
deal of the fact that we bought a house.

W-wait,wait A... wait a minute."We?"

Yeah,me and new christine,we're
moving in together.

- Why are you freaking out?
- I'm not.

Stop yelling at me.

I'm not.

It's just that it's big news.

I can't believe you
didn't tell us before.

Oh,my god.

You told everyone except
you didn't tell me?

I didn't tell you because I
didn't think you'd take it well.

I know how other people's
happiness can upset you.

Richard,just because I enjoy other
people's unhappiness doesn't mean that

I can't be happy when
other people are happy.

Besides,that was old christine.

- You are old christine.
- No.

I mean I've decided to let things go.

There's enough happiness out
there for both of us,richard.

What's your game?

There's pee on that couch,isn't there?

No,no game,no pee.

I'm giving the couch to the universe.

So... I can't have it?

No,take it.

Oh,because when you said you were giving it
to the universe, I didn't know if you meant...

- okay,yeah,go,go,go.
- Cool,thanks.

I wonder if oprah has to
deal with dumbasses all day.

The New Adventures
of Old Christine Season03 Episode06

does richard know we're coming?

No,I thought I'd surprise them with
a batch of freshly baked cookies.

That's what oprah would do.

That's nice.

What'd you put in the cookies?

Nothing. I'm nice now.

Yeah,I'm still not eating a
cookie until I see you eat one.

god,I love this neighborhood.

The trees are so big; everybody
keeps their lawns so nice.

You know,my favorite house
is around here somewhere.

Richard and I used to
drive by it all the time.

Had this big front porch and a swing and
beautiful windows and this charming walkway.

I ovulated every time I saw it.

- Right there.
- Right there.

- What?
- What?

This is it.

Richard and new christine's house.

No,this is my dream house.

Richard and new christine
bought your dream house?

You have got to be freakin' kidding me.

let's just go.

Th-this house isn't that great.

What's that smell?

Night-blooming jasmine.

Oh,look it,they hung a seasonal flag.

Oh,right,for people who want
to pledge allegiance to cute.

Let's get out of here.

No,we're not going anywhere.

Are you going to k*ll him and
bury him under the jasmine?

No,I am not going to do anything.

I think she had a stroke.
See if she can smile.

I can smile.

I can't tell.

Make her say the alphabet.

That's going to be a tough one,too.

Look it,I am fine. All right?

That dream was a thousand years
ago and I am letting it go.

Besides,I've got a new dream now.

It involves being evacuated to a red
cross shelter with jake gyllenhaal.

Wait,what's the difference
between him and joaquin phoenix?

One of them is joaquin phoenix.

What are you guys doing here?

If I'd have known you were coming
I'd have flown the welcome flag.

Cute.

We wanted to welcome you to your new
beautiful home and I baked these cookies.

Oh,you didn't have to do that.

Yeah,it's for the universe.

So...

oh,for god's sakes,just
take the cookies.

wow,this is quaint.

What's that smell? Is that food?

Yeah,new christine is
always baking something.

So what do you think?

Do you like it?

Yeah,of course I like
it. You know I like it.

It's my dream house.

Thanks for the tour. We got to go.

No,it's okay.

What,what are you talking about?

I'm talking about when
we first got married.

Remember,you used to drive me to work

'cause we only had one car and we
used to go pretend house shopping?

And this is the house
that I pretend bought.

Remember,you used to
say to me,"someday,baby,"

and then I used to stick my hand down
your pants while you were driving?

I remember the hand.

A-and I remember
crashing into the mailbox.

Oh,sh**t.

- Oh,this is that house.
- Right.

Oh,christine,I completely forgot.

- Don't be mad.
- No,I'm not.

You're furious. Oh,man.

No,no,I'm happy for you.

- Seriously?
- Yep.

Enjoy.

Oh,richard,why didn't you
tell me we had company?

I was just in the yard
picking some fresh herbs.

If you need chervil,don't buy it.

We have so much.

It's working already.

You put out the goodness,you
get back some chervil.

Richard,why don't you hang the chervil
up to dry and I'll give our guests a tour?

Can you believe this?

I have a place to hang the chervil.

In my old apartment I didn't even
have a place to hang my clothes.

Sorry this place is such a mess.

I've barely had time to arrange the
fresh flowers and put out the pictures.

Well,you know,your home is lovely,and
the couch seems to fit in perfectly.

Oh,thanks so much for giving it to us.

All it took was a nice throw
and a couple of accent pillows.

Once we got the pee smell
out,it all came together.

So,uh,where do you hide the tv?

Oh,no,this is the family room.

No tv in the family room.

But it's such a nice room.

Don't you want people to sit in it?

We do other things.

We talk,we tell stories,play
games,read-- family things.

You know you have an outlet right there.

Hi,mom.

Oh,hi,darling.

You got to see my room.

- It's awesome.
- Really?

I got bunk beds,and last
night I slept in the top bunk,

and dad says next time,if I want,I
can sleep in the bottom bunk...

And then next time after that I can switch
back and sleep in the top bunk,and then I can...

yeah,yeah,I know what
bunk beds are,darling.

Oh,I love it here.

Oh,of course you do.

I'm gonna open up some wine.

I'll get a bottle from the cellar.

You grab her legs,I'll grab her arms.

We'll try to throw her on
the lawn before she explodes.

Guys,stop it. I'm fine,really.

You heard her say
they had a wine cellar.

Yeah,and that's wonderful.

There's enough happiness and wine
cellars out there for everyone.

Oprah wouldn't freak out.

I'm not going to freak out.

Oprah doesn't like
wine as much as you do.

Ernest and julio gallo don't
like wine as much as you do.

Well,you know what? I'm not
going to let it bother me.

It's actually kind of a relief to be
able to enjoy somebody else's good fortune

without hoping that
they get heart disease.

I never did that,but I
know somebody else who did.

I can't believe she's got all her
pictures up and everything already.

I haven't even put my wedding
pictures in an album yet.

guess there's no rush there.

Oh,there's her dad.

slept with him.

Richard--
slept with him.

Is that her brother?

Boy,he looks familiar.

What the hell is this?

Barb: Looks like a family portrait.

With my family.

Just give it to the universe.

Sorry it took so long.

I had to cut the cheese.

Richard,not every time.

We have to go.

- You just got here.
- Yeah?

Well,we're leaving,and it turns out I just
remembered I'm going to need that couch back.

You said you weren't using it.

Yeah,well,I was wrong.

I am going to be using it in my
house per my new decorating plan.

You're not the only one who gets
to have a nice house,richard.

Why are you doing this?

Was it the "cut the cheese" joke?

No,it was not.

Barb,matthew,come on.

Ritchie,we're leaving!

How are we going to get
this back to your place?

Just do it!

you have a lovely home.

Come on. Come on!

Son of A...

I thk init's stuck in the door.

No,it... is...

not... stuck...

in... the...

damn it!

Is this where you wanted it?

Yep. Perfect.

Welcome to my dream house.

come on,come on,come on,come on...

we probably should have used
those double doors to bring it in.

It got through their door.

Their door is bigger.

Of course it is.

Stupid tiny door.

you stupid house!

god,I hate this place!

I don't watch her
show as much as you do.

Does oprah do this kind of stuff a lot?

Well,she's never been through the kind
of adversity that I have been through.

Oprah grew up a poor black girl in rural
mississippi in the '50s with no parents.

Yeah,well,I grew up in
the '70s with my parents,

and I have a couch jammed in my door.

I guess it's a tie.

I tried to be the bigger person.

You saw me.

I tried to let it go.

I was wonderful.

But then I saw that picture of her and ritchie
and richard as this perfect little family,

and I couldn't do it.

I know,it's a bummer.

No,it's more than a bummer. It's a lie.

That picture makes it look as if she
is ritchie's mother,and she is not.

you don't see me taking pictures of
myself and ritchie and my boyfriend.

You don't have a boyfriend.

Oh,god,I'm so lonely.

Look,I'm not saying you're wrong.

And I think you've handled
yourself with great dignity.

But they could have
a long life together,

with a lot of pictures their faces
are going to be on christmas cards,

screen savers,and now they
can even get stamps made.

Oh,maybe they'll go to knott's berry farm
and get one of those old-timey photos.

Those are great.

I'm not a big fan of
the old-timey photos.

They make me uncomfortable.

The worst part is,is that they
do have the perfect little family.

They have that dream house
with a family room and the...

fresh-made food and a
place to hang the gerbil.

no wonder ritchie loves
it there. Who wouldn't?

Hey,come on,there's enough
happiness for everyone.

No,there isn'T.

Of course there is.

If richard and n christine
can live the dream,you can,too.

I don't even know anyone
who knows jake gyllenhaal.

But you're right. I know.

If oprah can make her dreams come true,then
I can make my dreams come true,too.

I have a lot to be grateful for.

yeah,you have a gardener.

We are going to be the kind of family
ritchie can't wait to come home to.

Look at this,matthew. We built a bed.

No,I built a bed and
you bossed me around.

As a family.

Sorry I'm late.

Did oprah start yet?

Oh,my god,what happened?

We built a bunk bed.

No,where's the tv?

Oh,we got rid of the tv.

I'm making this more of a family
room where we do family things:

We're going to read and tell
stories and eat homemade meals.

Christine,where is the tv?

Barb,I'm committed to making
this house more,you know...

homey.

I'm not your homey.

I want to watch tv.

You know what I'm talking about.

I think it looks better already.

And look,we had our
family portrait done.

who did that to you?

I took it.

That's as comfortable as
they get in front of a camera.

Okay,let's get this bunk
bed up to ritchie's room.

I want it to be there when he gets home.

After this can we watch tv?

no,after this I'm getting my guitar out.

Oh,come on!

Come on,guys. Give me a break.

I learned a new chord.

This is going to be so great.

We are going to be one big happy family.

it's not going to fit.

What?

I think you got a problem,homey.

Ritchie,dinner.

Thanks for my new bed,mom.

Oh,you're welcome.

- What are we doing?
- We're eating dinner.

- Where are we going?
- We're eating here.

- Where did you order from?
- I made it.

- What are we doing?
- Okay,just sit down.

You'll understand as soon
as it starts happening.

Okay,you know what?

Before we eat,I thought we
could go around the table

and everybody could say why they are
thankful to be a part of this family.

Amen.

Okay,let's eat.

Oh,what the hell is this?

It's shepherd's pie.

Except I didn't have potatoes,: So I...

used macaroni.

I didn't have meat,so I used,uh...

tuna.

Can you explain the raisins?

Well,I can explain that
they are not raisins.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

ritchie...

why don't you get your jacket...

and,um...

uncle matthew and aunt barb are
going to take you out to dinner.

Well,this was a disaster.

And worse news,now the raisins are gone.

Well,I oughtththere was enough happiness
out there for everyone,but there isn'T.

Richard's got it all.

Well,at least he has heart
disease in his family.

Christine.

I'm not saying I hope he
gets heart disease,okay?

I'm just saying that if he
does get it,that would be fair.

Ah,who am I kidding? Life's not fair.

You have a great life.

I mean,yeah,you don't have a boyfriend
or a wine cellar or a nice house

or the ability to cook
or depth or morals.

But?

Oh,yeah,you have a big butt.

Okay,I'm ready.

Where are we going?

Some place with a tv.

Christine,you coming?

No. Somebody's got to stay here.

The door is always open.

Why don't you put that picture
out front with the shepherd's pie?

I think you'll be safe.

You guys go ahead.

I'll be fine,really.

Why don't we go out the back door?

Oh,you can'T. The tv is jammed in there.

Hello?

No one's here.

Wait,what?

I'm not really in the
mood for company right now.

Okay.

I just brought your cookie plate back,with
a homemade pear and berry galette.

It's martha stewart's recipe.

You have to blanche the
pears and make a simple syrup.

The secret ingredient
is freshly grated nutmeg.

You can really tell the difference.

I'll just leave it.

Wait. What's happening?

Nothing.

I'm just having a hard time.

Yeah,well,I'm not
doing that great either.

I'll go.

What?

I'm so tired.

Oh,uh,you know what?

I should probably tell you that we had a
lot of leftover parts when we built this bed,

so if you hear a creak you better
jump off of there right away.

I don't care.

Let it crush me.

What is the tter with you?

I just can't do it.

The pressure is k*lling me.

I've been getting up at 4:00 in the morning
to bake and clean and decorate and marinate.

I don't know how much
longer I can keep it up.

What?

I thought you liked
doing all that stuff.

Sometimes I think it would be great to
just lay around and do nothing like you.

- No offense.
- Oh,none taken.

I was trying to be like martha stewart.

And then richard really
liked it,so I couldn't stop.

I just wish I lived in a
crap hole like this place.

No offense.

Oh,none taken.

I just want to make richard happy.

I don't want to run him off
like you did. No offense.

Okay,you know what?
That was your last one.

Besides,we ran each other off.

It doesn't take much
to make richard happy.

Okay,just take him for a drive once
a week,put your hand down his pants,

you got him for at least 12 years.

I love him so much.

Or that.

You know what? Forget
abo martha stewart.

You can't live your
life like someone on tv.

That is a lesson I learned...

five minutes ago.

You can't look at what someone else has.

You have to be grateful
for what you do have.

Why don't we both go around
and say what we're grateful for.

Well,I'm grateful for a wonderful
relationship,parents who love me,

a great sex life,and a beautiful home.

Amen.