[low, somber music playing]
[interviewer 1] I'll be asking
a bunch of questions.
- Some about your combat experiences.
- Okay.
This is the shitty part, I guess, huh?
[interviewer 1] When in the military,
how often did you fire rounds
at the enemy?
On multiple occasions.
[interviewer 1] Did you ever see
people actively being hit?
Oh, yeah.
[interviewer 1] And how often were you
in danger of being pinned down,
overrun, ambushed, injured, or k*lled?
One to two times, three to 12,
13 to 50, 51 or more?
Fifty-one or more.
[interviewer 1] Have you been having
pessimistic or self-critical thoughts?
Absolutely.
- [interviewer 1] Anxious or nervous?
- Sure.
Have you been using medications to manage?
Yeah, like, uh, cyclobenzaprine
and Ambien.
[sighs] Flowed like rivers
in the SEAL Teams.
I guess when I look in the mirror,
I don't see anything.
I just see a shell
of somebody trying to pretend.
[low, somber music continues]
[interviewer 1] Have you been feeling sad
or unhappy?
Uh, sad, yeah.
Do I occasionally think that sometimes
it'd be better if I just didn't wake up?
Sure.
I lied to you last week when you asked me
if I wanted to k*ll myself.
I did want to k*ll myself.
[interviewer 1] Have you ever used
hallucinogens before?
No. No.
No.
No.
[sighs]
[interviewer 2] Marcus,
tell me about your first experience
with the psychedelic treatment.
[muffled, distant g*nf*re]
[man] I wanna be a Navy SEAL
[recruits] I wanna be a Navy SEAL
[Marcus] At first, I was just wondering
you know, what was going on.
Like, when is this gonna start?
- [calming music playing]
- [buzzing]
[Marcus] Then I began to get
a buzzing around the ears.
[wind whooshing]
[Marcus] All of a sudden, I was in, like,
hyperdrive to different parts of my life.
- [child exclaiming]
- [indistinct chatter]
[whistle blows]
[Marcus] There's a lot of shotgun images
of just everything.
[reporter] Navy SEAL Petty Officer
First Class Joshua T. Harris drowned
in rough waters in Afghanistan
during August of 2008
[girl] That's my dad right there.
We have to be quiet.
[indistinct]
[Marcus] The medicine brings out things
it wants you to see,
and you don't know why.
But it's always telling the story.
[indistinct shouting]
- [wind howling]
- [photographs rustling]
[Marcus] During the treatment,
I got pretty sick for hours.
[music fades]
The therapist said she doesn't think
in her 20 years of administering medicine
that she saw anybody
have such a tough time.
So, I don't know if that was good or bad.
I took it as a badge of honor [chuckles]
that, um, I had
a lot of sh*t to work through.
[waves crashing]
[instructor 1] I wanna be a Navy SEAL!
[recruits] I wanna be a Navy SEAL
[instructor 1] I wanna cut off
All of my hair
[recruits] I wanna cut off
All of my hair
[instructor 1] I wanna be a Navy SEAL
[recruits] I wanna be a Navy SEAL
[instructor 1] Run with me if you dare
[instructor 2 shouting orders]
[recruits respond to call]
[stirring string music playing]
[Marcus] Navy SEAL training
is physically, mentally
one of the most demanding things
on the planet.
That's why it's such a draw.
[recruit 1 coughing]
[Marcus] We started with 175,
and we ended up with 23 original.
- [instructor 3] Get up. Yeah.
- [gasping]
[instructor 4] Get you up.
- [gasping]
- [instructor 4] Come back.
Come back to the light.
[Marcus] A lot of people come out
of SEAL training with lifelong injuries.
But I never had a doubt,
never thought I was going to quit.
[crowd cheering]
[Marcus] That wiring started
at an early age.
You had to succeed.
You had to throw a touchdown.
You had to hit home runs
to be accepted, to be loved.
I definitely felt like I had to perform
for acceptance into the family.
I was this tall, skinny kid
that was picked on by others.
I got my nose broke
in seventh grade by the school bully.
Then I went from 180 pounds,
six foot four,
to like 220.
I didn't take sh*t anymore after that.
- [recruits shouting indistinctly]
- [helicopter blades whirring]
[rousing string music playing]
[Marcus] When I got to SEAL training,
the passion I had
at that time was unbelievable.
I gotta go run ten miles, 13 miles,
or swim five and a half?
"Okay. I mean, I guess
that's what I have to do."
If I were to look actually
at my speedometer,
we are actually going below zero.
We're not going to k*ll you.
I mean, not intentionally.
I mean, we're just gonna do push-ups.
Forever.
[whistle blowing]
[instructor] Let's go!
[DJ] My dad was a SEAL.
He had his moments where he was awesome.
And then he had moments where he was
a f*cking nightmare to be around.
You know, Dad being in the military,
just gone a lot.
Gone 300-plus days out of the year.
Spent a lot of time in isolation.
Watched a lot of TV.
[intense music playing]
[DJ] When I'm 17, I fly out to California,
and I joined the Navy.
You forget how young,
how juvenile you are at 17.
[man] It used to be largely physical.
All we wanted to know was,
can you take the pain?
We discovered, after time,
that you really want to have
both, you know, physical endurance.
But you also want to have
a character component.
Uh, and you want to groom that character.
[indistinct chatter]
[Brian] Are you a good teammate?
Are you thinking for the whole
and not just for yourself?
[man] I was a nervous kid.
But once I found out
about becoming a SEAL, I was obsessed.
From that moment on, I was obsessed.
I I played w*r when I was a kid,
past the point where it was cool.
I just wanted to be in the woods
with cami paint and a toy g*n.
I hated school.
I hated everything about it.
And so, being the antisocial f*ck I was,
I had never been
in that intimate team mentality,
and that was a struggle for me.
[indistinct chatter]
But when I figured it out, it was heaven.
You could offer me all the money
in the world to not do this.
And I would say, "f*ck that.
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be."
You know? I don't think most people
find that in their lives.
And I found it.
It was the love of my life.
[DJ] People speak about the brotherhood,
and most people have never really felt it.
Like, to me, that's
that's what being in Teams is.
[static crackles on radio]
[news fanfare plays]
[reporter 1] This just in to our newsroom.
A plane has crashed
into the World Trade Center.
Let's get this live update from
1010 WINS correspondent Joan Fleischer.
Joan, what do you see?
When 9/11 happened,
they marched us into the TV room.
We got to see it for like 30 seconds.
[reporter 2] There is now
another expl*si*n occurring
right at this moment
in the other building.
-Which means...
-[man] God!
[reporter 3] We're switching
to ABC coverage.
The other tower of the World Trade Center
has just exploded.
- This is ABC's continuing coverage.
- [man] Oh my God!
[Marcus] We didn't understand it.
We were still just trying
to get through training.
'Cause, you know, prior to 9/11,
there wasn't really a lot going on.
We didn't know what w*r was.
The fantasy, I think, we thought was,
you were always like Superman.
We're gonna set up an ambush,
and k*ll everybody, and whoo-hoo,
save the princess.
Um, but you never think
about any of the bad stuff. Ever.
[MC] Sonar Technician service,
Third Class, Marcus Capone,
SEAL Team Ten.
[crowd cheers and applauds]
[woman] In a very, very short time span,
I went from being a college sophomore
to, you know, being a a mom and a wife
and moving to Coronado, California,
from the Midwest with a little baby
and a husband
that was very committed to this new quest.
I thought that it would be
a matter of going to get this t*rror1st,
and guys like Marcus
are the ones to do it.
And I think, naively, I thought,
when the mission is over,
we'll just be a normal family.
[band playing lively tune]
- [crowd cheering and clapping]
- [child exclaims]
[reporter 1] The w*r in Afghanistan
is essentially a manhunt.
The troops that will,
or indeed, may already be engaged
in the hunt are the men of Special Forces,
Rangers, Navy SEALs as well.
[reporter 2] The Pentagon has confirmed
the US has Special Forces teams
on the ground, coordinating air strikes.
- [tense music playing]
- [explosions]
[reporter 3] With America
at w*r in two distant lands,
the w*r may be longer
than is widely expected
and predicted at this moment.
My platoon wanted
to go to Afghanistan first
because you were ready, you were hungry.
The worse the place was,
the more we wanted to go.
Those were the biggest bullies,
so we wanted to go
and punch 'em in the f*ck' nose.
[Marcus] Matty was in our sister platoon,
but one of our platoons
will go to Germany,
and the other, uh, will go to Afghanistan.
Yeah, we flipped a coin to decide
who was going to Afghanistan first.
So when we lost,
we were pissed. [chuckles]
Like, they were f*cking furious,
which I would be too. I Yeah.
So we were trying to, like, keep it tight,
but we were, like, giving these little
low fives to each other. Like
[whispering] "We're going to Afghanistan.
We're going to Afghanistan."
I mean, you tell a Team guy
he's going to get some,
sh*t. That's all you gotta say.
[Marcus] So Matty and our sister platoon,
they deployed to Afghanistan,
and we deployed to Germany.
- [interviewer] What happened from there?
- [inhales, exhales deeply]
[somber music playing]
[DJ] June 28, 2005.
Operation Red Wings.
That was the greatest loss of life
in SEAL Team history for a long time.
A team of like four SEALs
launched out a reconnaissance mission
out into the Kunar.
Really nasty terrain.
They fast roped in, and
[sighs]
A bunch of little things kind of added up
and put them in a bad spot,
behind on timeline,
in a spot they weren't supposed to be.
And just everything
that could have gone wrong went wrong.
[Matty] They got discovered.
And then they got contacted by the enemy.
And so we got the word.
We were part of the quick reaction force.
We were literally sitting there
on the bird.
The rotors are going.
We were just waiting to go.
The elevation up there was high enough
to where it f*ck with
the capability of the helo.
So the plan was to take guys off the birds
to lighten the load,
go in, come back, pick up the rest.
And so we got off.
[static buzzes on radio]
[Matty] We were just waitin'.
One of the guys has a sat phone,
and he's like, "Say again. Say again."
And then he just looks at me.
And he said, uh,
"One of the birds is down."
That was the helo I was just on.
That was supposed to be me.
[man] The CH-47 helicopter
crashed west of Asadabad
during Operation Red Wing.
Initial reports indicate the crash
may have been caused by hostile fire.
The status of the service members
remain unknown still at this time.
[Matty] We flew in
at night to the crash site.
We were with the Rangers.
They set up a big perimeter.
And then we basically searched
all day and then all night.
It was horrible.
There's a thing in us.
[sighs] I always call it
the Team guy in my head.
It gets you through training.
You know, it gets you through deployments.
It gets you through you know, bad sh*t.
You're overseas,
and you see half your platoon get k*lled.
It just keeps you going, keeps you going,
and it's just this voice in your head
that's like,
"This is what you're gonna do,"
and you do it.
- [somber music playing]
- [helicopter blades whirring]
[music fades]
[Marcus] In Germany,
we were getting updates
from our spouses back home
of, you know, so-and-so
had, you know, two gentlemen
show up to the house
in full dress blues.
It was like Then it was like, "Oh no."
I just remember,
one time, throwing my phone.
Uh, and, uh
just, you know, breaking down over,
um, friend after friend
that I worked with.
And not being able
to do anything at that time.
That was frustrating.
You know, and then went from sad to angry.
[unsettling music playing]
[Matty] When we did the ramp ceremony
It's one of the heaviest things
I've ever had to do.
You know, this is like
all the caskets on one bird.
You go on the ramp,
and then go out the side door of the bird.
So we had done the ceremony.
Bagpipes were playing.
I got to the side door,
and I turned around, and I was like,
"I don't know what I'm doing."
Uh [sighs]
I don't I don't know
how to get off this plane. Uh
You know?
[sighs]
[exhales sharply]
'Cause we're not supposed to leave 'em.
[inhales deeply, exhales shakily]
[mournful music fades]
The president of the United States
takes pride in presenting
the Silver Star Medal, Purple Heart Medal,
Combat Action Ribbon,
and Afghanistan Campaign Medal
posthumously to Gunner's Mate
Second Class Danny Dietz,
United States Navy.
[DJ] I didn't know Danny.
I'd never met Danny.
His wife, Patsy, was the only wife
out of all 11 that stood up and spoke.
The only one.
And when she did, it was moving, man.
She's young, 22 years old,
and you just see it. It's
Her life just ended.
Danny, as I talk about you,
I get butterflies,
like the first night our eyes met.
I remember getting lost
in those dark eyes of yours.
I'm so sorry you had to die
in the way you did. [sniffles]
I just hope you can leave Earth
and go to Heaven
with memories of our intense love
of four years.
I would just give my life right now
to just have one more day with you
and one last kiss.
[gentle music playing]
[Patsy] When I graduated high school,
I signed my papers to join the Navy,
and once I got to my first command,
which was here in Virginia Beach,
it was life-changing.
I was in the Navy, but I didn't know
really that there was even SEALs.
What was a Navy SEAL?
I just never heard of it. You know?
And Mom asked me,
Like, "Hey, there's a barbecue."
"Would you like to join us?"
And I remember her telling me,
"There's a really nice gentleman here."
His name was Danny, and, um
When I got there,
sure enough, Mom introduced me to him.
And after that, we just never separated.
It was just crazy.
It was just a really beautiful,
innocent love.
[tearfully] I promise you
that one day I will meet you again,
and we will pick up
and complete the fairytale life
where you left it.
I love you. Always yours,
your wife, Mrs. Dietz.
[gentle music fades]
[Brian] You've got a a group of folks
predominantly from one unit.
They are the tribe.
And then you have a mass casualty.
All of a sudden,
a bunch of guys don't come home.
What are we gonna do here?
Well, we're gonna get back on the pony
and kick some a*s.
That's what we're gonna do.
There's no other choice.
[intense music playing]
[Marcus] When we first got in country,
we went out
literally two days after we showed up.
First light, direct action.
Raid on a compound.
Helicopters, Black Hawks.
Wind's blowing everywhere.
I was a breacher.
A breacher gets through doors.
Could be a sledgehammer.
- [expl*si*n]
- [Marcus] A small expl*sive.
- [expl*si*n]
- [Marcus] Or a very large expl*sive.
[high-pitched ringing]
It's like getting a huge hit in football
where you just laid somebody out,
and your bell's a little rung,
and you're just like, "Oh, f*ck yes."
[indistinct chatter]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[Marcus] At that time, my close friends,
myself, you know,
we we wanted to go to w*r.
[indistinct radio chatter]
[Matty] After Red Wings,
we had like a month-and-a-half
or two-month decompression time
or some sh*t.
And Marcus and them
took our places in Afghanistan.
So we go to Germany, and, uh,
one of the shrinks came out.
And we all had to talk to this guy.
Like, it was mandatory.
No one wanted to.
Everybody was like, "f*ck that."
And then everybody ended up spending
two hours with this dude. He was awesome.
And I just remember him telling all of us,
"Hey, listen."
"When you guys get home,
don't make any major decisions."
"Don't start a relationship.
Don't end a relationship."
"Don't do anything 'cause you guys
are not processing this sh*t yet."
And then of course,
I go home and wreck everything.
And then we jumped right back
into a platoon and started doing workup
which was a [sighs] horrible idea.
Not long after we got in country,
we went out on an op and came back.
And I just laughed.
And I don't remember
who was in the back seat.
But I remember him saying,
"What are you laughing at?"
I was like, "Man, this is the first time
I've been able to sleep in months."
Like, I couldn't find
a f*cking second's peace
at home.
And then as soon as I get to Fallujah,
I can sleep like a baby.
It's it's kinda weird.
[mournful strings playing]
[DJ] Started my second rotation,
2007, going back to Iraq.
We got Matty Roberts in the troop,
and he had a, uh a very solid reputation.
And you could tell
he was searching for a family again.
And I definitely looked at him
like a big brother.
The team that we were with,
it was everything I ever wanted.
It was like being drafted
and going to the Patriots.
You had all the assets,
you had all the intelligence folks,
you had every supporting system
you could ever want at your disposal.
And people worth going after.
It motivated you.
You woke up every day, and you swung
your feet out of bed with a purpose.
At the same time,
you become numb to the risk.
I've been in a bunch of situations,
a bunch of really bad ones.
Like, you get shot at from 200 meters,
that's bad.
Fifty meters, that's bad.
Five meters will change your life.
[helicopter blades whirring]
- [man 1] Guy up on that ditch was moving.
- [man 2] Yup, I see him.
- [man 1] He's forward of you.
- [man 2] Okay.
[Matty] We went out on an op one night.
The bird spotted some people
running out into a field.
And, uh, we got picked to go after 'em.
[insects chirring]
[DJ] It's this thick overbrush.
And it's high.
You know, six foot in some spots.
And the plane puts
a night vision beam of light
on this guy so we can see it.
And we're all looking at the ground.
Take a step.
Four feet. Everybody's whispering.
We're just listening to the communication.
[helicopter blades whirring]
[DJ] It's a pilot, and he sees
a single individual inside that field.
So he can watch us walking on him.
Three feet.
Two feet.
Heart rate's at 190.
I'm just about to jump out of my skin,
I'm so scared right now.
[grass rustling]
[DJ] "Third guy from the right,
you are standing on him."
One, two, three.
That dude's not there.
And at one point, Jay hears something.
And I remember he yelled, "Hey."
"Hey!"
- [g*nf*re]
- [group clamoring]
[DJ] The moment he finished that "hey,"
that dude opened up.
So we sprinted to the single tractor tire
about 15 feet behind me.
A bunch of bad guys
had left the compound, had doubled back.
And now it's just all-consuming.
But I can't fire back,
'cause I can't see anybody.
My NODs are c*ck.
There's dirt blowing in my eyes.
Man, you can't see sh*t.
- [g*nf*re]
- [clamoring]
[Matty] A corpsman went down.
And I ran up, grabbed him,
and started pulling him back.
And then I got hit.
- [loud blast]
- [Matty] It spun me around.
I thought my arm was gone.
I thought it was completely gone.
When I looked down under my NODs,
all I could see was the end of my
my T-shirt.
So And I can't feel anything.
- [g*nf*re]
- [clamoring]
[Matty] I'm bleeding out, for sure.
And I had about a half a second of panic.
I was like,
"I gotta get the f*ck outta here."
Team guy. In my brain.
[inhales deeply]
It's like he literally slapped me
across the face and said,
"If you leave him and you survive,
you will never look in the mirror again."
- [rapid g*nf*re]
- [indistinct shouting]
[Matty] I said, "Look.
I'm gonna drag you as far as I can."
"If I stop, you just keep going."
Grab everybody,
bring 'em behind the tractor tire,
and we start going to work.
[indistinct radio chatter]
[DJ] Now we're trying
to work through blowout kits.
We're trying to put on tourniquets.
Matty's bleeding out.
I'm trying to apply a tourniquet
to Matty's arm.
And he is screaming.
I remember him looking on the ground.
He thought his arm got shot off
just by the way it flipped.
He's looking at a stub.
But at the same time, these dudes
are sh**ting at you. Continuously.
Since he was so close in proximity,
if you would have leaned over,
he would have shot you.
The only thing we can do
is we can call in a fire mission.
[Jay] We need rounds down and out.
We do not see him.
We have multiple wounded.
We need rounds down.
[DJ] I remember the pilot saying no.
He said, "It's too close. We can't do it."
[gunner] Focus ready, danger close
[DJ] Jay said, "If you don't,
we're all gonna die anyway."
Gave his initials. Juliet Alpha, send it.
[Jay] Juliet-Alpha.
[pilot] Cleared for fire. Go ahead on two.
[gunner] Two is armed!
[m*ssile blasts]
[pilot] Okay, that was
right on top of them.
- Give me some more there.
- [gunner] Roger that.
- [g*nf*re]
- [indistinct shouting]
- [aircraft whirs overhead]
- [loud blast]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[DJ] We call in the helicopter,
and we load everybody up, and I jump in.
The back of that helo looked
like Black Hawk Down.
Just blood and blowout kits
and b*ll*ts and magazines
just spewed all over that thing.
[chuckles wryly]
[exhales sharply]
f*ck.
- [somber music playing]
- [helicopter blades whirring]
[Matty] You know, I'd rehabbed
and gone surgery, surgery, surgery.
You know? And I, physically, was healed.
You know, at least I thought.
But mentally, I went so f*cking downhill.
It was insane. Like, it was horrible.
I had one doctor tell me,
"You've got traumatic brain injury."
"You've absolutely got
post-traumatic stress."
He said, "Our recommendation
is you're done, man."
I told him I wanted to stay in,
but I would finish at training commands.
Even though I was still in the Navy,
my ego was just raging.
Like, I felt so guilt-ridden.
There are times
when I wish I would've lost my arm.
Because it would've been easier to accept.
What's this brain sh*t? You know?
What's this PTSD sh*t? What the f*ck?
I didn't want to see DJ.
I didn't want to see Marcus.
I didn't want to see any of 'em.
Now the Team guy
in my head becomes toxic.
That voice is like, "You f*cking coward."
"You m*therf*cking quitter."
"Those guys are over there,
and they're still doing it."
"And you're sitting here."
"What the f*ck is wrong with you?"
In my head, the brotherhood was gone.
[DJ] I came back from that. Um
I noticed the anxiety.
I noticed the depression right away.
I tried to be normal.
I tried to generalize it.
That's what happens. You know?
The TBI and with the memory loss,
I'd meet someone,
shake their hands,
"I have no idea what you just said."
"I don't know what your name is. No idea."
- [interviewer 1] Did you tell anyone?
- No.
- No.
- [interviewer 1] How long until you did?
Oh, five or six years.
[Patsy] All the wives that I hung out with
from Danny's platoon,
we now didn't have husbands.
So we had each other.
And we became best friends.
[bright, hopeful music playing]
One time they had a dinner out in town,
and one of the wives called me.
They're like, "The guys
from Team Ten came back."
"Would you like to join us?"
[DJ] They warned me.
Like, "Patsy's coming.
You finally get to meet her."
"Cool."
Like, "She talks a lot of sh*t.
You gotta be ready."
"I got it." I'm like, "I got it."
[Patsy] But I remember this c*ck
little young SEAL, out of nowhere
Didn't know who I was. I've never met him.
And she proceeded to ream my a*s
about five minutes. It was perfect.
[Patsy] And finally, he got my number
and just started texting and saying,
"Would love to take you to lunch."
And, uh, one thing led to the other.
[DJ] I was concerned
she was g*n-shy after Danny.
[bright music fades]
[DJ] I didn't think she had
another deployment in her,
and I was very open.
Like, "I'm gonna keep deploying,
and I don't want to stop."
"And if you can't do this,
I understand it."
Uh, that's not something
I wanted to go through again.
But he was just different,
and he was just
Um, there was something about him
that felt like home again.
And after so many years, he made me laugh.
And that was something,
you know, I missed.
[gentle music playing]
[Patsy] We had been together
for almost a a year.
And I was going to visit
Danny's grave site in Colorado.
And he wanted to join me.
And he dropped me off at the cemetery,
and he went off, gave me my space.
[inhales deeply, clears throat]
He came back to pick me up,
and as I'm getting in the car,
he's like, "Hey, um,
do you mind if I go see his grave site?"
"I've never met him when he was alive.
I would just like to pay my respect."
He went to his grave site and kneed down.
And I could tell that he was tear-eyed,
and then he came back in the car.
And then we got back
on Thanksgiving night.
We had friends. We had, uh, family here.
And he got on one knee
and asked me to marry him.
Come to find out,
he wanted to make that trip
so he could ask Danny
permission to marry me.
And I just felt like
if there was any guilt
of moving on with my life
and being with him,
that just solidified
that he was the right person.
[gentle music fades]
[dramatic music playing]
- [helicopter blades whirring]
- [indistinct shouting]
[Marcus] You know, from 2005 to 2010,
it was just a busy time.
[indistinct chatter]
[Marcus] The amount of operations
that, you know, we just did
as an overall
special operations community was
You know, it was huge.
It was hundreds of missions every
you know, every month.
So it was just nonstop.
[Amber] Marcus was easily approaching
300 days a year away.
[grunting]
[Amber] And so, when he came home
from that, he was definitely getting
more and more distant.
It felt like he didn't really want
to even be home a lot of the time.
[Brian] Out of a tremendous degree
of dedication,
a lot of the folks that deployed
would not get off the merry-go-round.
And I think that, uh,
a couple years into it,
we really started to see, you know,
the impacts of not taking a break.
[reporter 1] A military Chinook helicopter
was shot down
in the dark night east of Kabul,
k*lling 30 US troops and eight Afghans,
everyone on board.
Among the Americans k*lled, 22 Navy SEALs,
most of them from Team Six.
[Amber] The deaths continued,
deployment after deployment.
It was just unheard of.
[reporter 2] Nicolas Checque
was just 28 years old.
He had been a Navy SEAL
[reporter 3] 27-year-old David Warsen
was an East Kentwood High School grad,
a man who loved his family
[reporter 4] Navy SEAL Petty Officer
First Class Joshua T. Harris
drowned in rough waters in Afghanistan
during August of 2008. His parents
[Marcus] Josh Harris was definitely,
you know, one of my best friends.
He was doing some reconnaissance.
He swam out, and he was on a tether,
and the tether just snapped,
and basically,
he got swept down the river.
And so we didn't find him
until 12 hours later.
It was like 35 miles,
50 clicks down the river.
[music grows somber]
[Amber] I I think he had to have felt
some level of survivor's guilt.
You know, there was
a lot of masking going on.
A lot of self-medicating,
across the board, not just with him.
It really felt like Russian roulette.
I mean, it felt
like every time he would leave,
he may not come home.
I remember we were dropping him off
at the command.
[inhales deeply]
And, um [sighs heavily]
I remember just screaming.
You know, screaming and crying.
Like, "Please, don't go."
[Marcus] The last deployment, both Caden
and Maggie were hysterical crying,
and that really hurt.
And so,
it was time to, like,
take a a knee for a while
and try to put my family back together.
This letter was written in 2013
to receive a medical retirement.
"I am soon separating
after 12 and a half years of naval service
with my entire career spent
in the SEAL Teams."
"My mental condition has diminished."
"I've tried to hide this
for the past couple of years,
but it has been painfully obvious
to the people close to me
that I am struggling
in many aspects of my life."
"I pulled my p*stol
from the safe more times than I can count,
just from the doorbell ringing."
"I've lost contact
with many close friends."
"My temper is sporadic.
I find myself easily angry,
and I am in constant struggle
with anxiety, nightmares, depression."
"With all this, I am ultimately proud
of the career I have chosen
for the last 13 years."
"M. Capone."
I was concerned about
how he would function
outside of the Teams,
but I was also grasping
at any sense of normalcy.
[Caden] That's when my dad
was transitioning out of the military.
It was like, "We're moving to Texas."
"We're gonna be together as a family.
Like, everything's gonna be great."
Really quickly, I think we all realized
that was just not the case.
[gentle piano music playing]
[Marcus] When you separate from the tribe,
you look for anything you can
to fill that void.
I'm bored, so I just wanted
to take a video.
Let's go.
[Amber and Marcus speaking indistinctly]
[Marcus] I started drinking hard.
I got put on antidepressants.
I remember throwing mugs through windows
and just flipping out.
[Caden] He would never, like, beat me up.
Maybe shove me.
But he had that look,
and once he got that look, it was like,
get the f*ck out of his way.
[Maggie whispering] That's my dad
right there. We have to be quiet.
[Amber, voice breaking]
I remember one time,
I was trying to get
between the two of them,
and I can't imagine the fear
that Caden was feeling,
being chased by this monster
that you have idolized your whole life.
[Caden] I was getting in trouble
at school,
doing a lot of drugs.
Like, the family was there for him.
He he was the guy that got back from w*r.
What we were going through
was never really as important
as what he was going through.
[Marcus] I thought Amber and the kids
would be 1,000 times better
if I wasn't here.
You know, I come home,
it causes all types of problems.
Everybody.
Kids don't want to hang out with me.
Amber doesn't want to talk.
Like, they would live a much better life
if I wasn't on this earth.
[Amber] One night, Marcus was watching
some old training films.
And I went to bed.
And at like five o'clock
in the morning, I go in,
and Marcus is sitting there
with an empty bottle of whiskey
and a loaded g*n.
And
[gentle music ends abruptly]
he picked it up and said,
"Get the f*ck away from me."
[Amber] Marcus went through the VA.
They did sleep studies.
They did imaging.
They did psychological measures.
None of those things were working.
He was on, you know, ten medications.
He was on something to sleep,
something to wake up,
something for focus, something for energy,
something for nightmares,
something for depression,
something for anxiety.
He was taking the medications.
He was doing talk therapy.
All of the things
that he was being told to do.
And he was actually getting worse.
[somber string music playing]
[Amber] I got his medical records,
and I found an evaluation
and Marcus said on there,
"I frequently forget
the names of my coworkers."
And I was floored by that.
I was desperate at that point.
I completely changed my approach.
I started really putting my focus
on alternative treatments.
The wife of another SEAL contacted me
and said,
"I think that there's something
you may want to look into for Marcus."
Of course, this sounded,
like, completely foreign to me.
[narrator on video] We've known
about ibogaine and iboga
in the Western world
as a treatment for addiction
for about 50, 60 years.
Bwiti peoples of Gabon
have been using this substance
for, um, seemingly centuries
as a spiritual-medicinal rite of passage.
[Amber] Ibogaine comes from the root bark
of a shrub grown in Gabon, Africa.
And 5-MeO-DMT is derived from the venom
of the Sonoran Desert toad.
[woman] The ibogaine treatment,
you know, does the physiological reset
of the nervous system.
And the toad medicine allows you
to release everything
that ibogaine brings up to the surface.
[Amber] As a protocol, taken sequentially,
ibogaine and 5-MeO-DMprove to be very effective
in dealing with trauma.
But both are ill*gal in the United States,
so Marcus would have to travel
to Mexico for this opportunity.
And when I brought it up to Marcus,
he was like, "That's absolutely insane."
Like, psychedelic medicines?
You mean, what?
Timothy Leary and Woodstock and stuff?
[chuckles] People dancing around
in circles with flowers in their hair?
Like, I don't understand that
at all. [laughs]
[energetic '60s rock music playing]
[narrator] You are looking at a traveler
who just bought a ticket
for a very special kind of a trip.
The cost?
A few dollars and his mind.
[Marcus] All I knew was
the stuff I was taught when we grew up.
Psychedelics were
a recreational drug that's addictive.
You'll lose your mind.
You'll fry your brain.
[chuckles] And this is supposed to save
our hardened warriors?
[Amber] You know, having grown up
in a very conservative Christian home,
I thought, "Is this voodoo witchcraft?"
"Is this opening up portals of darkness?"
It was terrifying to me.
[energetic rock music fades]
[DJ] So I come home from 2012 deployment.
Moving into 2013.
Lola was born in May.
I deploy May 15th.
I get really hurt on that deployment.
Eardrums are blown out.
You know, bleeding out of your ears,
out of your nose.
Just a lot of concussion stuff,
back to back to back.
Explosions are happening
in close proximity,
and just the orthopedic injuries
have stacked up so bad at this point.
We go into this French hospital,
and they put me in a machine,
and I've got a hematoma
on the back of my brain about this big.
It's jet black.
My headaches were so bad,
and they were light induced,
like photophobic.
You could shine a light in my eyes,
and I would throw up.
[somber string music playing]
[DJ] I land in Virginia Beach.
I came in, and it was like,
"Hey, welcome home."
"Here's a four-month-old."
I don't know how to do anything.
Like, I am worthless.
And I can't remember her name.
[Patsy] I had dinner on the table,
and we're eating,
but he wasn't saying much.
I thought it was like deployment blues.
Maybe just coming back home.
It was just maybe too much.
Then finally he looked up,
and he had tears in his eyes,
and he's just like,
"How long have we been eating dinner?"
I was already done with my dinner.
I was like, "We've been here a while."
And he just looked at me
and just ran out of the room and
[tuts] and literally went
to our guest room in the fetal position,
just crying, bawling.
These guys don't want to show weakness.
That's just not
what you're supposed to do.
You're not supposed to open up
or communicate these things.
You're just supposed to keep going.
[helicopter blades whirring]
[DJ] I made it
about another four or five months,
and we were getting ready
to go on a big breaching trip.
And my boss at the time,
he looked at me and he's like,
"Hey, man, I don't think you need
to go on this breaching trip."
"Why don't you stay back here
and chill out for a little bit?"
I was like, "No."
He's like, "Well,
I'll put it to you like this."
"You're not f*ck' going."
And about five days later, I was in NICoE.
It is essentially
a super-advanced rehabilitation clinic.
Big orthopedic injuries,
but really, it's all the brain stuff.
And they analyze you head to toe,
everything in between,
for four weeks straight.
[tense percussive music playing]
And they started giving you meds,
and they saved you.
I needed these tools to continue
to wall myself up to get to retirement.
We come back from NICoE,
I feel like a million bucks,
and we'd just gear it up, send it again,
send it again, send it again.
We'd do another four rotations.
- [explosions and g*nf*re]
- [indistinct shouting]
[rapid explosions]
[m*ssile whistling]
[explosions]
[Marcus] Everything I read on ibogaine,
you know, it sounded horrible.
It was a lot of personal stories
of individuals visiting
just the deepest, darkest pits of hell
during their 12-hour journey.
I remember even fighting about it.
I told Amber, "This is crazy.
Literally crazy."
So that's how that conversation went
for about a year.
We've got kids that are watching,
and this is not sustainable.
[somber music playing]
And so, I basically just said to him,
you have to try this,
or I'm taking the kids
and I'm leaving.
[Marcus] I feel
like I exhausted everything.
So, I think you'll do anything when,
like, you're so desperate.
[somber music fades]
[Caden] He had gone
to so many brain treatment facilities
and done so many different things,
it felt like, "Oh, this is just bullshit.
This doesn't mean anything." You know.
I've I've heard this a million times.
[energetic, rhythmic music playing]
[Marcus] The protocol in Mexico
is you do ibogaine first.
And then a couple days later,
you do 5-MeO-DMT,
also known as "the toad."
Had my therapist there,
ER doc, a nurse was there.
You know, my intentions that night
were just
I just wanted to be whole again.
The music started.
I kind of sat back in the bed
and, uh, just waited.
Waiting for no clue
what was about to happen.
- [music fades out]
- [whooshing]
[rumbling]
[indistinct shouting]
[wind whipping]
[chainsaws buzzing]
[Marcus] I just remember,
at one point, it was just, like
like loud, almost like chainsaws buzzing,
and like just complete chaos.
You're just getting kicked in the nuts,
and kicked in the nuts,
and kicked in the nuts,
and you can't escape it.
- [chainsaws buzzing]
- [wind whipping]
[buzzing stops]
[wind subsides]
[Marcus] I would see shuffling.
Like almost like cards.
[Marcus imitates cards shuffling]
Just thousands of pictures, that fast.
[rustling]
[Marcus] I saw images of my childhood.
[rumbling]
[Marcus] And I would see images of my dad.
I don't know.
Maybe something happened around that.
Maybe it was, uh an incident.
[rustling]
[Marcus] You know,
and then I saw images of Josh.
You know, I didn't talk about this,
but I was supposed to cross the river.
I was supposed to be
the individual that went to look for
a place that we can find our way across,
but I wasn't there at that time.
Um, that was definitely weighing
on my mind, my soul.
But it was a vision of him,
that smiley face, curly hair.
It was a happy image. Like, he's good.
[tender string music playing]
[Marcus] I was able to see
these difficult moments
from my life from a different angle.
And it made me realize
that none of this was my fault.
The weight was getting lifted off.
I felt, uh like almost
like a defragging of my brain.
All the walls you put up,
all the body armor you put on,
that all goes away.
The ego goes away,
and you're just a pure version
of an individual
that just loves everything.
I felt lifted, felt light.
You know, it felt
like it was like a new day.
[gentle, optimistic music playing]
[gulls cawing]
[Caden] When Dad came back,
I don't really know how to describe it.
Just something about him
was much more peaceful.
The look in his eye was
It was like It was like less dead.
For a long time, you'd look at him,
and you'd just look right through him.
[birds calling]
[Caden] Once we all saw
that my dad was putting in an effort,
everyone began to work on themselves.
Our family unit just kind of started
to work again as he began to get better.
[Marcus] After my ibogaine experience,
when I saw Amber,
the first thing I said to her was,
"All our friends that we hear about
that are suffering,
like we need to introduce this to them
and get them better."
That's kinda how
That's kind of how it started.
[gentle music fades]
[man] I had met with Marcus and Amber.
I'd spent, like, 30 minutes
talking to Marcus.
I was talking
to this humble, very thoughtful,
very normal-seeming, to me, guy.
Then Amber tells me this story.
Basically, he couldn't screw a light
in a light fixture
before he went down there.
So he went from really bad shape
to, like normal.
That really is what locked me in.
This is just one of those points
in medicine
where you've just got
to have the courage to jump.
[interviewer] In terms of other soldiers
in your unit,
what percentage of them would you say
were either k*lled in action,
wounded, or missing in action?
Well, 25%, 30%.
[interviewer] How much time
in a typical week
do you feel cut off from other people?
Like, just not interested, not engaged?
- Every day. Yeah.
- [interviewer] Every day?
Kind of all the time.
[interviewer] Do you experience
feelings of guilt?
I think so.
[hesitates] Well, I know so.
[Nolan] This will be the first
human neuroscience study of ibogaine.
The goal today is to look at the utility
in treating
the psychiatric neurological illnesses
that veterans suffer from, right?
[woman] A lot of the veterans are exposed
to multiple blasts.
And in the recent Iraq
and Afghanistan conflicts,
TBI is a signature injury.
[interviewer] Are these feelings of guilt
and shame
related to your military experiences?
- Yeah.
- [interviewer] Okay.
You know, I have a lot of
a lot of issues with
[somber music playing]
with the direction I allowed my life
to go when I was in the SEAL Teams.
[interviewer] Your headaches
you experience,
remind me again the year they started.
- [Elias] 2007.
- [interviewer] 2007.
[Elias] Yeah.
Like, it's usually
Like, right now,
it's just it's hemispherical.
Just this side of my head
just always hurts.
- [interviewer] Okay.
- Never gone away.
[interviewer] One second.
[door opens]
Oh man.
[door closes]
[Matty] Sprint up that hill!
Get that g*n up!
A lot of us get into this line of work
because we feel like it's who we are.
You're born for this, right?
But the reality is it's a jacket,
just like any other jacket you put on
in any chapter of your life.
- You're gonna take this off.
- [music fades]
For me, the jacket's off.
Who the f*ck am I now?
I go to work, and I go work out,
then I go home, and I sit on the couch.
And, uh, I keep looking back.
All I do is look back.
And I can't get my head to look this way.
'Cause I don't give a f*ck
about anything this way.
I have enough sense to know that
I can't live the rest of my life that way.
But I just don't know how to
get out of that.
If that makes sense.
[intense music playing]
[DJ] 2018, started medical retirement.
Left the team.
Started a skateboard company.
And from the surface, I had everything.
I got a beautiful wife,
got two healthy kids.
Ten fingers, ten toes.
Live in a beautiful house.
I don't have anything to complain about.
Except I want to die.
It's like once you leave the Teams,
you lose your why.
You lose the purpose
to swing feet out of bed at 5:00 a.m.
And it crushes.
I was as low as you could be.
I would have accepted
terminal cancer as a gift.
He probably didn't see me anymore
as a wife.
He probably saw me more as a caregiver.
I mean, it would come the end
of the night, and I was just exhausted.
I just wanted to go to bed.
Because I did it all.
And I also was a mom.
So I had to protect them
and keep that train going
without them noticing
that dad was broken.
I was like, "What is going on with you?
Please tell me."
He's just like, "I think every second
of the day that I want to k*ll myself."
"I want to k*ll myself right now."
And I was like, "Okay."
And I felt like
this is my chance to get him that help
because he's crying out loud for it.
[intense music fades]
[Amber] For those of you that don't know,
um, the SEAL community suffered
two suicide losses
over the last two weeks.
Two very beloved members
of the community, and
[crying softly]
Uh
It's just happening too much.
And so, we thought it'd be a good idea
to do a public service announcement
and say, "Hey, some of us here have been
right to the edge and have come back."
And so, um, I hope many people see it,
and I hope some of our teammates
um, that are struggling and that may
be thinking of of crossing over,
don't you know, don't do it yet.
So yeah.
[uplifting music playing]
- [man] Wanna run through it?
- [Marcus] Let's do it.
[man] Okay.
It's been a rough couple of weeks
for a lot of folks in our community
since we lost two more teammates
to suicide.
We're all struggling with something,
and we all have a story.
You don't have to fight this alone.
Let us fight alongside you.
[Brian] Since 9/11, there have been
7,100 combat casualties, k*lled in action.
In the same time frame,
uh, what is accounted for
is roughly 30,100 veteran suicide,
growing by approximately 22 a day.
So when you do the simple math on that,
we are basically losing 4.3 times
the number of service members,
or veterans, to suicide
than we lost to actions against the enemy.
[Patsy] So, probably late 2019,
Amber and Marcus did a video.
And I remember me and DJ were in bed,
and we
I saw it on her Instagram.
And I cried.
I cried a lot.
So did she. She even bawled.
I met Marcus in late 2003, early 2004.
He looked like an NFL linebacker,
and he was known to be
an exceptional Navy SEAL.
And in that video, he went on
about how dark it was for him,
how bad he really was.
I couldn't believe his honesty.
I felt like I was
the only guy in the Teams who was hurting
until I saw that.
[Patsy] So that's when I called Amber,
and I was like,
"Amber, can you please help me?"
I was just begging her,
"Can you please get him out there?"
[DJ] And Patsy said,
"If you love me, you'll go."
It's kind of a weird thing to say.
Like, if you love your wife,
you'll go to Mexico and do psychedelics.
[uplifting music fades]
[reflective music playing]
[interviewer] I hope everything
goes well for you, uh, this week, and
Me too.
Look forward to seeing you
on the flip side.
Yeah, same here. I'm really excited.
[DJ] The hardest thing
was coming off all the meds.
I was on,
I'd probably say, 60 pills a day.
You gotta come off everything.
And ironically enough, they give you
a drug test when you get there.
But it's for Adderall.
It's for stimulants.
To make sure you're not gonna die.
[technician speaking indistinctly]
- Good.
- [technician] Yes.
[DJ] And you start off with ibogaine.
A little campfire circle.
A vow of gratitude towards the iboga plant
and to the Bwiti tradition.
But it was so foo-foo.
It was just so out-there.
I was like,
"I can't believe I'm gonna do this."
Like, "Okay."
We'd talk about all the things
we're trying to get rid of,
and write it down on a piece paper,
and throw it in the fire.
Well, I threw a blank piece of paper
in the fire
because I was most certainly not
writing down what I'm trying to get rid of
because I can't.
- [interviewer] Which is?
- Everything.
[reflective music fades]
[DJ] Take the ibogaine. We all go up,
and we put on our little shades,
and kinda lay back.
They're playing bowls
and doing the whole thing.
And I thought I did it wrong.
I'd laid there for a little bit.
I heard some bees buzzing in my ear.
Everything they told you you'd hear
and then nothing.
- I fell asleep.
- [muffled roar]
I thought I fell asleep.
[muffled roar continues]
[unsettling music playing]
[DJ] There is a point that medicine
takes you right to the crest.
[shattering]
[DJ] And you fall off.
It was like there were dresser drawers
that were flying out.
They were all rainbow-colored,
but they were memories.
They were thoughts.
And I could pick one and fall into it.
And I'm back in it,
wherever I wanted to go.
Anything I wanted. Anything.
I'm there.
[crackling]
[DJ] I wanted to see dead friends.
And I never did.
You lose track of time in there,
but I spent a significant amount of time
on the set of The Wonder Years.
[indistinct dialogue on TV]
[DJ] Fred Savage, Ann, Wendy.
They were eating TV dinners
on little microwave plates.
The whole thing.
I sit there on that brown couch,
and I just watched them.
Living a normal family life,
talking about school, and
[sighs] This on the bus and that
and what we gotta do for work.
And just normal family dinner.
I was just enthralled by it.
[indistinct conversations continue]
[DJ] It made me feel normal.
Maybe that's the family that I wanted
'cause I grew up with TV.
I thought, if I could just create that
for my children,
maybe I'd put them
in a better spot than I was.
I didn't have really any big memories
pop up past maybe 13, 14.
[man] DJ, shh.
Tag-team. Shh. Shh.
[DJ] I saw my father.
Every time he belittled me
or tried to humiliate me
in front of everyone.
[father] You are never gonna get
in the military.
[DJ] Everything was just pounding on me,
over and over and over again.
- [tinkling]
- [rumbling]
[father] You wait till I get
your f*cking sorry a*s home.
[lawnmower running]
[DJ] We had a five-acre farm,
big backfield.
He'd make me push-mow it.
And I'd do it early in the mornings.
Dew would be out.
Push three, you gotta roll it back.
Push three, roll back it back.
And it took hours.
Multiple tanks of gas.
I could feel the humidity in Virginia.
Like, I could feel
the weight of the T-shirt.
And in and around the trees,
there'd be exposed roots.
And I clipped one of the roots.
[mower motor splutters]
[DJ] And it made a clicking noise.
[imitates mower]
And he heard it.
[heavy footsteps echo]
[DJ] My old man was big.
Like 250 pounds, covered in tattoos.
He was sprinting at me.
It scared the sh*t out of me.
I thought he was going to f*cking k*ll me.
I watched him grab the handle
and swing it over the top of his head
and smash it
and broke that thing into pieces.
[echoing rumbling]
[shattering]
[DJ] I could feel the heat radiating
inside him
and how f*cking mad he was at me.
And then I could shift it,
and then he's not yelling at me.
It's me yelling at Lola.
[intense rock music playing]
[DJ] I've done the exact same thing.
I remember breaking a dollhouse,
shattering it into a million pieces.
My face mirrors his.
[music grows unsettling]
[DJ] And then it would shift,
and I would see Patsy come in.
[Patsy speaking indistinctly]
- I would feel her emotions.
- [Patsy] the first night our eyes met
[DJ] I would feel the trauma
that she had been through.
Really, the trauma that I caused.
[Patsy] I'm so sorry
[DJ] Like all the times
that my father cheated on my mother.
[notifications chiming]
[DJ] I mean, I'd been cheating on Patsy.
Multiple affairs all over the place.
[unsettling music fades]
[DJ] I was so clear-minded and focused.
I knew exactly what I had to do.
I had to go home
and tell her everything I'd ever done.
We pack everything up.
Drive back across the border.
We had a flight leaving
at 5:00 p.m. that night.
We all broke to our little corners,
and everybody called their wives.
You hear 'em like, "Hey. Hey. Hey."
Straight to voicemail.
Called the house phone.
Nothing. Nothing.
[inhales sharply] Okay.
And I get an email notification.
"The password to your Instagram
has been changed."
I don't remember doing that. Hmm.
And I look down,
and it is my ghost account.
It's the account
that Patsy doesn't know about.
It's the one
that I'm leading all these affairs on.
Now she knows.
[insects chirring]
[Patsy] I knew that that night
he was doing ibogaine in Mexico.
I just started thinking, like,
"Why now did he cry out for help
after four years?"
Like, what caused that?
And so, I just was able
to look into his email,
and it's something that I never did.
And it it was
I mean, it was just shocking to me.
I can't explain the feeling.
Just like how it's it's something
that somebody has to go through.
Like when you get the knock on the door
to tell you your husband is dead.
It's a feeling that only people
that have been betrayed knows the feeling.
[somber music playing]
[Patsy] Clearly, I'd lost him.
My DJ wouldn't do that to me.
[DJ] I land in Norfolk.
We all get in cars.
We all drive back to the shop.
All the wives are there, except for mine.
I walked upstairs,
and I opened up my office door,
and there were probably
20 Home Depot boxes,
stacked up floor to ceiling,
labeled pants, sweatshirts,
T-shirts, shoes, everything.
Obviously, she's not gonna take me back.
There's no working through this.
I've gone too far.
And I drove straight out
to the oceanfront.
I parked in this little private beach
and backed my truck up to a gate,
and I just sat there.
Contemplated everything I had ever done,
everything I experienced in the ceremony,
and everything in between,
and the walls I had built up.
And she called me
right then. [chuckles sadly]
[under breath] f*ck.
[inhales sharply]
I saw her pull up, and she parked
next to me at 20, 30 feet away,
and I was sitting on my tailgate.
I could see him with his head down,
and I could see the g*n next to him.
And all she could say is, "I don't know
how you could do this to me."
And, uh [chuckles wryly]
She's bawling her eyes out.
I'm bawling my eyes out.
And she pulls my sunglasses off.
And that's when I saw him
for the first time in four years.
Because his eyes were always so dark
and sad and there was just no life.
She backs up, and I was like,
"Patsy, I am so f*cking sorry."
She sat down and looked at me.
We stayed on the back of that truck
for two hours.
And she sat down, and she went,
"Tell me."
"Tell you what?" "All of it."
"Every ounce of it. Every detail."
[takes a deep breath]
[gentle music playing]
I didn't want to completely leave his life
and just leave him like that.
And we've gone through a lot,
and we finally did it,
and we found something that helped him.
We just fought so hard for this
that I was just not willing
to let go of of what we had
and the man that got on his knees
to ask Danny for my hand.
[gentle music fades]
[Marcus] I'm unfortunately hit
with the depression bug.
You know, I don't know why,
but it comes and goes.
And, you know, when I have those days,
yeah, they're bad.
I think that's the misconception
about psychedelic medicine.
Uh, that it's a one and done,
where you take a pill,
and you're all better.
It cracks you open.
You know, it gives you a new white canvas
to paint whatever you want on there.
But you have to put in plans
and integration afterwards.
You gotta put these things in place.
Otherwise, you potentially can go back.
[waves crashing gently]
[Marcus] These are the things
that people have to do
after they open themselves up.
Dude, you look good, man.
You look better than last time I saw you.
[Matty] Uh, I think I look worse.
I think I'm okay. I don't know.
Some days are worse than others.
But I don't think about the physical part.
I just think about all the brain stuff
and the mental part of it.
I'll be honest, man,
I thought our 2007 deployment was
a large reason why I was the way I was.
Right? We never talked about it.
We never even had a f*ck' debrief.
We had a five-minute conversation.
We never spoke about it again.
- Never.
- Yeah.
When you were in the hospital,
I met you back there. They flew me home.
I never talked to the dudes
about Red Wings.
- No?
- Never.
What do you think
about going down to Mexico?
Maybe. Like, just to be trapped
inside your own f*cking head.
Like, that seems
like you're gonna lock the door
and somebody else is gonna have the key.
And you're gonna just be in there
until, what?
Thirteen, 14 hours?
Or however long it f*cking takes.
I think it depends on your intention
and how much you've prepared for it.
Knowing what I know now, I tell dudes,
since you've never done it,
I'd lean all the f*cking way in.
I mean, we went down
with some heavy hitters.
Some of the baddest dudes I have ever met.
Like, there was some heavy sh*t
dropped on the table. Like
- How much of that was military?
- None of it.
None of it, dude.
A bunch of childhood sh*t.
And when you hear it,
you're like, "f*ck, man."
"You've been living
with that for 40 f*ck' years?"
What are you most hesitant about,
about going down?
Do you think it's childhood stuff,
or you think it's more Team stuff?
I think it's all of it.
But just keeping it inside
ain't f*ck' working.
- Are you gonna do it again?
- If you wanna go, I'm in.
[Matty exhales forcefully]
["Fearless" by Pink Floyd playing]
[Matty] I don't trust anybody.
Any of my good friends will tell you.
Uh, but if my buddy says something to me,
I I can trust it.
So if this crazy, hippie-a*s sh*t helps,
if it helped them,
maybe I should do it.
That's kinda how I'm thinking right now.
It never ends. [laughs]
Where's Matty? Trying to jump
out of this thing? Trying to hide?
[woman] I'm proud of you.
I'm trying to
Hope I don't sh*t myself on camera.
You're good. You're good.
- You say the hill's too steep to climb
- All right.
[sighs]
[woman] I feel like you guys
are getting ready to deploy.
[Matty] I feel like
feel like that, actually.
You say you'd like to see me try
[DJ] I went down for Matty
because I thought I could get him to go.
Climbing
[DJ] And for me,
I am definitely light-years
where I was in 2019.
But you can always be better.
And I'll climb
The hill in my own way
Just wait a while
For the right day
- [man chuckles]
- [indistinct chatter]
And as I rise
Above the tree line and the clouds
I look down
Hear the sound of the things
[man] How are you feeling
about tonight, Marcus?
- I feel wonderful.
- Yeah, 'cause you already done the sh*t.
I'm gonna hold space
and support these two fine men.
[man] How you feeling?
[Matty] Don't know if I'm looking forward
to it or dreadin' it.
- [man] You ever done anything like this?
- Nope.
[man] Nothing?
Sometimes it can be
where others will show up.
It could be like other people.
Other times, it's like voices,
or sometimes it can feel
like you're interacting with something.
Like, there's a little bit
of back and forth with the medicine.
Does it wipe you out physically?
Like you can't get up?
Um, if you're used to doing hard things,
I think you have already the kind of,
you know, mental stamina
to get through it, but it's it's hard.
- [group chuckles]
- Yeah.
Jesus Christ.
What have I got myself into it?
["Fearless" continues]
All right, gentlemen. Welcome.
We're thrilled that you're here.
Honored that you're here.
"The sh*t I am getting rid of."
"Shame, guilt, self-doubts,
regrets of my past,
and unresolved conflicts."
"What I am trying to find
is my inner peace."
"Put my priorities back in line."
"And spend my next 40 years
devoted to my family and my friends."
And I'm not gonna waste
a single day of it.
[Matty] Uh, I'm not much for speeches.
But the biggest thing on here
is I don't wanna live in fear anymore.
- [Marcus] Amen. Amen.
- [woman] Amen.
Marcus, any words of wisdom from a guy
who's been down the road a few times?
I'm just grateful every day that, um,
the medicine spoke to me five years ago.
And and I'm able to just pass it along
to my friends who I love, my brothers,
my teammates.
You deserve to be happy
and live a good life.
And you got it inside you,
and I just want you to heal tonight.
[somber music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[Matty] You know,
I'd never dealt with Red Wings.
And, uh, just not been able
to look in the mirror for a long time.
- [man] All right?
- All right, brother.
- [man] Have a safe trip.
- Thanks, man.
[Matty] You you carry
your buddies' bodies.
Just, you're never gonna leave that.
It never goes away.
I can't believe I did a platoon
after that, man.
That's insane.
[rattling rhythmically]
[Matty] Being a Team guy
was everything to me,
and now I just kind of want it
to go the f*ck away.
I guess I'm just trying to get answers
that I've never gotten before.
[rumbling]
[whooshing]
[unsettling music playing]
[Matty] I saw a group of people.
One of 'em starts to walk away.
It was like looking in a mirror.
He's staring at me,
and I'm staring back at him.
And it just did that over
and over and over.
Until I would throw up.
If I got that look
from somebody out in public,
I'd be like, "That's a problem."
Maybe that was my ego.
Your ego is your perception of yourself
in the world.
It's crafted and shaped
by your experiences.
And God, it's a f*ck' monster.
And I do not like it anymore.
[shattering]
[wind rushing]
[unsettling music fades]
[sighs]
[tense music playing]
- Is it normal to be nervous?
- [woman] Yes.
- Yeah. Yes.
- [man] Yeah.
I've already done it,
and I'm f*ck' nervous.
I like to say that ibogaine sandblasts you
from the inside out,
and then 5-MeO, like, gently polishes you.
[calming music playing]
[man] It's like tapping
into the ocean of being itself.
And I think what it's really good at
is breaking down that barrier
between us and everything else,
which is really
just a psychological barrier.
I worked with a great practitioner once
who said,
"You might feel
like you're gonna explode."
"Just explode."
"You might feel like you're gonna die.
Just die."
Like that's kind of
exactly what we're aiming for here.
[Matty cries out]
[sobbing]
[panting]
[crying] Thank you. Thank you.
f*ck' it's all just love, man.
[man] Oh, this is all I ever wanted
was just to feel.
[calming music fades]
Come here, dude. [grunts]
- Yeah. [chuckles]
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you so much for this.
- [Marcus] Yeah, man.
- [DJ] God, my kids thank you.
- [Marcus] Yeah, man.
I love you, bro. I love you, brother.
I love you, dude.
[DJ sighs] Oh, f*ck.
[Marcus] You got a lot of sh*t to do
ahead of you, so good stuff, buddy.
[DJ sighs]
[DJ whispers] Let it go.
[Matty groans]
[softly] Let it go.
All right, that's enough.
Just stay in it.
[Matty sighs]
I have no idea.
You're still in it.
[Matty] I don't like this.
It'll pass.
- I'm still looking for w*r, Marcus.
- You're good, man.
You are good. You are good.
[Matty] I had a notion
it wasn't gonna be military stuff,
but it the way it did,
it wasn't what I expected.
It's like being in a room
and holding up these expectations.
You're like, "Take care of this.
This is my problems. It's this and this."
The toad, or the effects of it, step in.
Those are just curtains, man.
Moved 'em out of the way and was like,
"Don't worry about this."
"What's behind you?"
"That rusty-a*s box that's back there
with f*cking chains
and cobwebs all over it,
that's leaking out all over the floor,
that's what we're gonna talk about."
"That's what this is gonna be about.
It's not gonna be about that."
[Matty panting]
[sobs] f*ck!
[Matty] It encompassed a lot of sh*t.
sh*t from childhood.
It's just trauma.
My family didn't know anything about it.
I ditched belief a long time ago.
Um, I My faith
was broken a long time ago.
I'm tired of being afraid, man.
It's the only thing I remember.
[Marcus] You are fearless.
It's done.
Done.
It's done, Matty.
A long time ago.
Want to just lie down?
- [Matty] I just want you guys right here.
- [Marcus] Okay. We aren't moving, then.
[interviewer] Do you want to tell me
a little bit about your experience?
[Joe] Towards the end of it
it showed me, like, my soul,
and it showed my body,
and it showed my consciousness.
And then it was like,
"Are you ready to be whole again?"
And just metaphysically,
like, slapped me back together.
[Elias] For me, I saw the perspective
of those young men
that were opposite of me
on the b*ttlefield.
It was being shown the other side.
[Ron] My thing is,
if we didn't abuse children,
would we have a military?
Like, that's a question that I have now.
[interviewer] Since the treatment,
have you been feeling down at all?
[chuckles] No.
Not in the least.
Not at all.
[interviewer] What about when you look
in the mirror?
Do you see a difference?
- Yeah, I love myself.
- [both chuckle]
Um, this morning, brushing my teeth,
I was like, "I love you."
You know? It's like I can't help it.
It's just pouring out of me.
Um, there's a light in my eye
that I haven't seen since I was a child.
[interviewer] Nice.
[man] The vast majority of the subjects
not only responded to the treatment,
but are now below what would even
be considered mild PTSD severity.
I feel light.
All the tension in my body is gone.
My headache that I've had
for 12 years is gone.
And I felt like my I felt like my brain
was, like, regenerating.
It was, like, growing or something.
[interviewer] Since I last spoke with you,
have you been feeling self-critical,
guilty, feeling like a failure,
putting yourself down?
No.
[interviewer] Self-critical,
like a failure, putting yourself down?
- Giving yourself a hard time?
- No. Yeah, no.
[interviewer] Have you had thoughts
of wanting to hurt yourself
or wanting to die?
How have you been feeling about that?
Any changes?
Yeah, um
Man. Yeah, that's gone, for sure.
I just can't believe
that I got to that place.
[interviewer] Yeah.
[man] Really, what we need
is a larger sample.
And it would be better
with more time points as well.
Then we can have a better idea
as to what it's really looking like.
[Nolan] This is the first shot.
We have a lot more work to do.
But the idea that,
you know, there's a tool out there
that could mend the mind at this level,
it's it's pretty unheard of.
[woman] So I'm just wondering
how you're doing.
[Matty] Mexico just beat the crap
out of me.
[Cynthia] Mm.
But I could feel
a connection to everything.
- [Cynthia] Yeah.
- Everything.
And I've stepped back toward my faith,
uh, that I had just walked away from.
I mean, I'd I've come close to dying.
You know, death is terrifying.
But what I also realized after Mexico
is I've been even more afraid of life.
[Cynthia] Mm.
That's been there since I was a kid.
And it was such a drive
for everything I did.
I became this to be scary.
I became this
because I wanted to be dangerous.
I wanted to be somebody that
would not have to worry
about being the victim.
You know?
And I thought that if I did that,
I would not be afraid.
I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore.
And that was a lie.
- I It was a lie.
- [Cynthia] Mm-hmm.
I was always
I was still I was still afraid.
[Cynthia] Mm-hmm.
I think that
we're all born really innocent.
And then life begins to happen.
And we begin to listen
to this voice in our head.
And then it hijacks us.
If I go into a dark place,
now instead of being in it as a c*ptive,
I'm in it as an observer.
- But it doesn't have to trap me anymore.
- [Cynthia] Mm.
["Free in the Knowledge"
by The Smile playing]
Free
All right, come on, crazy.
In the knowledge
That one day this will end
Free
We've served about 400 veterans.
Um, we're on track to hit 125 this year.
Everything is changed
And this
[Lola exclaims]
Was just a bad moment
They're feeling connected again.
They're feeling like their life has
purpose and meaning again.
And for every veteran we support,
they know two to five veterans
that are struggling.
They want to tell all their friends.
With soldiers on our backs
What's up, man?
How you doing?
We won't get caught like that
A face
Using fear
To try to keep control
When we get together
Well then, who knows?
If this
Is just a bad moment
And we are fumblin' around
But we won't get caught like that
Soldiers on our backs
We won't get caught like that
I talk to the face in the mirror
But he can't get through
I said, "It's time that you deliver"
"We see through you"
I talk to the face in the mirror
Now, he can't get through
Turns out we're in this together
Both me and you
[introspective indie song fades]
[calming instrumental music playing]
[instrumental music fades]
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In Waves and w*r (2024)
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