01x03 - Mirror Mirror

[bunniefuu]

THUNDERCLAP

Tom! Tom!

TOM ON RADIO: 'Simon, come as soon
as you can! It's bad!'

Man in the toilet!

Oh, God, no. Oh!

PANTING

Is that Olivia?

Yeah, I mean, we're still trying
to figure that one out.

DOOR CREAKS

Evening, chicos.

What are you both doing
in the ladies?

It's not... It... It's...

RETCHING

Millie. Millie! Millie!

Liv, no, no, you... you shouldn't
be in here, so let's...

Little bit transphobic.
Move out of my way.

Tom. Tom, just move, just move.

It's...
She's got a right to see it.

MIKE: Liv, are you sure
we're not gonna get caught?

It's my first week.
I don't wanna lose my position.

LIV: Speaking of positions.
UNZIPS

Oh, my G... Oh, God!

THUNDER RUMBLES

Sorry, me and the new boy, Mike,
were making babies in the warehouse.

What have I missed?

Sex education, apparently.

Liv, I'm gonna need
that condom back.

It's the only one I've got.

Keep walking, Mike.
OK. Sorry.

You don't seem too concerned

about the whole hate crime
in the bathroom thing.

Oh, you call that a hate crime?
Sorry.

Sorry, should we talk about
these fugly-arse posters of me

all over the store?
Look, if Pellocks wants to fundraise

for your new vag*na,
I don't see why you're complaining.

I'm sure Mike could do with
a bit more variety down there.

It ain't about the fundraiser,
Thomas.

It's that you and Simon put
these posters up

without consulting me.

I'm getting a little bit sick
of being ignored.

So before you spin off
into your own little private episode

of CSI Pellocks to catch
the graffiti bandit this evening,

it might behove you
to ask my opinion for a change.

Hello. Hello.
CLEARS THROAT

At 2200 hours tonight,

transphobic graffiti was found
in the women's toilets.

Now, I can only assume
that this vile display was aimed

at our new employee, Olivia.

We're sorry. Pellocks is sorry,

from the tippity-top,
big Jim Pellock himself,

all the way to the lowliest
sh*t-shoveller, Millie.

I'm not saying definitely check
Beefy Linda's handbag,

but I'm pretty sure the lipstick
on the mirror matches her shade.

Touch my sh*t,
that'll be the shade of your arse.

Is that an offer?
Is that a wig?

TOM SNORTS
Hey, hey, enough of this.

You know, I like a lols
like all of us,

but this isn't the time.

Now, I've put Thomas,
assistant manager, in charge

of catching this... son of a b*tch.

Or, can I...
can I say daughter of a b*stard?

That covers all bases, doesn't it?

Daughter of a b*stard responsible.

Make no mistake,

we shall apprehend
this gender-neutral boogie-person

before the end of the night shift.

THUNDERCLAP

Sorry, can I see you in the office,
darling?

SHE SIGHS

Oh, no, don't jump [!]

It's not a suicide bid,
just trying to shut the window.

Please.

Simon, if this is about me and Mike,

I don't know what you think you saw
in your sordid little CCTV cameras,

but what me and another employee do

in the privacy
of a cold storage unit

with our combined genitals,
I think...

Shh-shh-shh. Please. I just... I...

I need your help.

I said... I said I need your help.

What?

HE SIGHS

My wife and I are going through
a bit of a bad patch.

She says I spend too much time here.
I've lost my sense of adventure.

She calls me Fatty Boom-Boom.

Yeah.

She has suggested we have dinner,
and I suggested we have it here

just so I can keep an eye
on the place.

You're gonna have dinner
in the office?

With a wife that says you spend
too much time in the office?

As a valued...

WHISPERS: ..transgender employee,

who better qualified
to make this dinner a success

than someone who knows exactly what
me and my wife are going through?

Someone who can do javelin
and shot put.

Weird sporting analogies aside,

I'm getting a little bit sick
of you thinking

that you can use me being
transgender to your advantage.

Let me just have a look
at my piece of paper.

Because it says here last week
you accidentally booked a mammogram

and a prostate exam on the same day.

Which, as I explained,
was definitely not an excuse

to go and see a Magic Mike matinee.

Homie, you owe me.

THUNDERCLAP

Now, as the lead investigator
and sole member

of the Hate Crime Task Force,
I've asked you here

to recreate the offensive image
found in the women's bathroom.

We match the picture to the person,
we find our transphobe.

Why have you drawn Olivia
upside down?

No, no, th... those are pubes.

Wow, Beefy, that's, er...

WHISPERS: Oh, Beefy!
It's actually really good.

When are you gonna reopen
the women's toilet?

I had a petrol station pasty
for dinner,

and it's like the third act
of Shawshank Redemption back there.

Oh, great film.

No-one in, no-one out.
It remains a crime scene.

And I'll remind you,
I am your assistant manager.

So why does your badge say
"a*s man"?

a*s man?

Does it? Oh, Olivia!

Maybe don't give out marker pens
when there's a vandal on the loose.

Yeah, OK, thank you.
Michael, you've...

you've written your own name, mate,
and you've spelt it wrong.

Is that... Sorry, is that not
what we're supposed to do?

No, THAT'S what we're supposed
to do!

Wow. Yeah, it's really, really good.
Isn't it?

That does look exactly like
her willy, as well.

Just draw the picture, man!

I might just copy yours.

I've taken the liberty of drawing up
a list of everybody

that might have a problem with you.

This is everyone that works here.

Well, I was extrapolating
from your personality.

The vandal is someone
who is most likely jealous

of your fundraiser.

I'd say "nice try",

but even for you,
this is really, really lazy.

Please tell me
you haven't done it to all of them.

Well, don't look at me, Thomas.

I don't know if you've heard,
but there is a vandal on the loose.

Guess you're gonna wanna take all
these ugly posters down now, huh?

Millie.
Yes?

I'd like you to, er, take a pen

and cover up all the rude words
on those posters.

They're staying up.

You heard the man, Millie.

I'm on it.

That'll pay off in a few hours.

Liv, hi.

I've been thinking, erm...

Well, you know,
just about how much I like you,

and how I think you're great,
you know, really.

It's just, well,
what I wanted to say was

with the, erm,
graffiti and everything...

..I just didn't plan for this much
attention, and so, well...

..well, I think we should stop
seeing each other.

Oh, OK.

I didn't realise we were...
seeing each other. I just...

I guess I've always thought of you
more like a dildo with kind eyes.

Does that mean no more, erm,
casual sex in the warehouse?

Erm...

HE GROANS
OK.

It's fine.

It's a shame, though, because...

of the baby.

The, er...

Sorry, erm, what baby?
Yeah.

Congratulations,
we are having a baby.

It's a bum baby.

One in 44 million chance,
apparently, er...

but it is up there.
CLEARS THROAT

Shame it's gonna grow up
without a dad,

but I hear they are
resilient little things.

OK, erm...
EXHALES HEAVILY

..Olivia...

I'm gonna be there.

Yeah?
Yes.

OK.

For... For... For... For you
and... and... and for the baby.

Less important, but, yeah.

Oh, my God!

Can I?

Oh, OK.

Hello.

My name's Michael.
I'm gonna be your dad.

Oh, OK.

Me and your mum
are gonna name you Spider-Man.

Are we?
It's after my uncle.

Hmm.

I feel like the answer's
right in front of me.

Oh! Oh, it's dead!

HE YELLS

Olivia, you don't need a load
of fancy ingredients

to make a romantic meal.

You'd be amazed what I can do
with a courgette.

No, Simon, trust me, YOU'D be amazed
what I can do with a courgette.

Now, look - your wife says
you've lost all sense of adventure.

What better way to prove her wrong
than with an adventurous meal?

I'm thinking marzipan.
I'm thinking piccalilli.

No, no, she's allergic
to piccalilli.

What better way
to make a woman tingle?

Call me a prude,
but I'm not gonna poison my wife

just to spice up our marriage.

That feels like one step forward
and two steps back.

Well...

You... You know,
on our first date,

the restaurant we were going to
misplaced our booking,

so I ended up cooking her
a three-course meal

using a Premier Inn trouser press.

Great.

What I'm saying is
the way to a woman's heart...

Don't touch those.
Sorry.

Is through her stomach.

Spoken like
the world's worst surgeon.

Now, get some liquorice
and parmesan.

Yes, sir!

I mean... woman.

Heard about the bum baby,
by the way. Mazel tov.

Question - when are you gonna let us
start using the toilets?

The female staff are starting
to call you No-sh*t Sherlock.

I found a clue.
Oh, for...

Phone at the scene of the crime.

Screen was compromised,

but, er, managed to get these
off the mainframe.

Oh, but when I need help
scrubbing my browser history,

suddenly you're Forrest Gump.

Porn, porn, porn, porn.

Someone's dinner.
No, it's...

You're right, that's porn.
Well done, Thomas.

If we were 12, this would be
the find of the century.

You're imagining things.

THUNDERCLAP

Nah.

Sushi is fancy,
but raw fish has been done to death.

I give you raw chicken.

Japanese call it "torisashi".
OK.

I mean, if you think this will help,
I will try anything.

KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, Christ, that's my wife!

She's here early. Just... hide.

Pretend to be a lamp or something.
What?

Get in with the coats!

Oh, hey.
Hi.

Erm...

Simon is a little bit busy
right now,

but if you give it two minutes,
then you and I can, you know...

..have sex in the warehouse again.

Yeah, erm, actually, Liv, I just...

I didn't come to...
I came to talk to you.

Erm...
I've thought about this a lot.

I doubt that.

I'm just not ready to be a dad.
OK? I can't do it.

It's the... the crying, the nappies,
and...

Oh, my God, the birth.

What if I cut the umbilical cord
and I cut the wrong thing?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Then he'll be just like his mum, OK?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm gonna get you through this.

It's just really important
that we stay together, OK?

Ideally sexually.
I'm sorry, Liv.

I mean it this time, OK? I'm done.

GRUNTING

Pull it, Mike!

OK.

It's the wrong room.

LIV SIGHS

What are you doing?

No employee of mine is gonna
be raising a baby on their own.

I'm sorry I have to ask this.

Erm, the transgender thing
is completely new to me.

Is it maternity or paternity?

Simon...

..it's both. I'm entitled to both.

Here we go. Here at Pellocks,
we take care of each other.

I... We...
will always be here for you.

PHONE BUZZES

Hold that thought.

Hmm.

What?

What's in it?
You tell me.

Somebody left it outside the store,

and I can only assume
it was left for you

by the Hate Crime Bandit.

Hmm, so we know the criminal
is a formal person with teeth.

CLEARS THROAT

"Simon..."
Oh!

"It's clear the shop means
more to you than I do.

"I'm sick of giving you chances."
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Lots of stuff about
sexual inadequacy, personal hygiene.

Yeah, there it is.
She's asking for a divorce.

Oh.
Now I feel like a prick.

Maybe the wife did the graffiti.
THEY YELL

Millie! Flip!
Oh, sorry.

WHISPERS: Right. Right. Right.

CLEARS THROAT

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello.

DOOR OPENS

She's not coming, is she?

Well... it's not like we went
to a lot of trouble, is it?

I know you said
I should be adventurous,

but I just felt like I needed

to cook something
from the heart, so...

Simon.

That's like the fourth best thing
I've ever put in my mouth.

Erm...

your wife left you a box of things
at the front of the store.

Did she leave a note?

No, there wasn't a note.
It was just a box of things.

That's really strange.
Cos, I mean...

my wife would definitely
have left a note.

Really?

Erm... what's that at the window?

Oh, here it is.

Yeah, it's, erm,
the note from your wife

that I will now read to you
instead of giving to you

for reasons that are
not very important.

So, let's do this. "Dear Simon..."

She only calls me Simon
when she's angry.

Or... Or when she's aroused.

"Dear Simon.

"You have probably figured out
by now

"that I would like a divorce."

HE GROANS

"But I am too chickenshit
to tell you that in person,

"because you are
such a handsome, fancy boy.

"I know you to be
a deeply caring man.

"The love you have for your staff
is very clear,

"especially Olivia,
who I know respects you deeply,

"despite the fact
that she never really shows it."

That's really weird, cos I've never
mentioned you at home.

Rude.
CLEARS THROAT

"I have left you this box
of mementos

"as a, er, reminder of our love."

Signed, your wife's name,
which you already know,

and that's the end of the letter,
so...

Yeah, well, I mean, knowing Freida,

she would have left
a detailed breakdown

of each and every item
inside that carton.

Really?
Yeah.

OK. Erm, what's that
at the window again?

Oh, here it is on the other side.
CLEARS THROAT

OK, here we go.

"This is your toothbrush,

"because your smile
always made me smile,

"the same way when you see somebody
yawn or do some sick."

Yeah.

Er, then there's this -
"A tiny bag of, erm...

"..what I can only assume
is our dog's still-warm detritus,

"because while I can't bear
to part with him

"at this difficult time,

"I want you to remember him
as the dog he was."

Incredibly well-fed, apparently.
Stop.

Stop.

I think it's clear
from my wife's note

that she's trying
to let me down gently.

And if my wife were here,
I would tell her

that I... I really appreciate
the gesture.

Cheers.

Thank you all for coming.

I've gathered you here this evening
because it's...

We can't hear a word you're saying.

HE SIGHS
Fine.

This probably isn't the answer
you were all expecting,

but after considering
all the evidence

and investigating all of you,
the Hate Crime Bandit is...

..it could have been any one of you.

Wait, is that it?

I had to take a piddle
in a hollowed-out pumpkin.

Beefy Linda spent the night shaking
mini turds out of her jeggings

like it was the prison yard scene
in Shawshank Redemption.

Great film.
Great film.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Andy Dufresne.

Look, you all clearly had a bone
to pick with Liv, and if I'm honest,

it took me longer than expected
to go home and get the hat,

so I'd appreciate it if...
It was me.

What?

I drew the lady with the boobs
in... in... in the mirror.

Mike...
I was horny, all right?

I was... really horny,

hornier than I've ever been,

perhaps more than any man
has ever been.

And so I decided to go to the gents,
you know, to take care of things.

But... oh, God,
it was disgusting in there.

It was...

So I crossed to the ladies, and...

..I was gonna look
at some porn on my phone.

But I lost my phone.

I was gonna leave,

but then I saw the lipstick
by the sink, and...

I just began to draw, you know,
from... memory.

I'm sorry.

But I didn't draw the p*nis.

No, that wasn't me.

As God is my witness,
I did not draw that willy.

I'm sorry.

So, we're supposed to believe
that you're stupid enough

to lose your phone
in a locked cubicle?

Yeah, no, that tracks.
No.

No-one half confesses to a crime.

Why would Michael admit to drawing
the cartoon but not the p*nis?

Don't give out marker pens
when there's a vandal on the loose.

Dunno if you've heard,
but there's a vandal on the loose.

I feel like the answer's
right in front of me.

It was you.

This whole time.

What? Oh, yeah.
LIV LAUGHS

It was me.

Why would you fake a hate crime
against yourself?

Thomas, I tried telling you
at the beginning of the evening

that everything was fine.

But you lot were so determined
to get offended on my behalf

that you turned a non-issue
into fake panic.

Why don't you explain
to all these lovely people

what is so inherently offensive

about the image of a woman
with a p*nis?

Well, erm...
I went into that bathroom

and I saw a picture of a lady,

and I added a chunky c*ck
because it made me smile.

But at the end of the day,

the only real villain at the end
of this f*cked-up fairy tale

is just another straight white man
w*nk*ng where he shouldn't be.

At this point,
I would drop a mic,

but I haven't got a mic.

Mike, lay on the ground.

I've just got quite dodgy knees.
Do what the lady says, Mike!

WHISPERS: Oh, God.

Now, Simon, if you'll kindly fire
Wanksy down there,

we can all get back to work.
With pleasure.

You're fired, Mike.

Oh, I found a penny.

You know, it's ironic...

What the f*ck are you playing at,
Thomas?

Don't just walk up next to somebody
and start talking.

That is a mad way
to start a conversation.

Sorry. It's just I had
a really cool line.

It's all right if I use it?

Yes, do the line.

Thanks.
CLEARS THROAT

You know, it's ironic I spent
all evening looking in that mirror,

but the one person I didn't see
was myself.

f*ck, that's actually really good.
Yeah, thanks.

Listen, I'm sorry about

blowing things out of proportion
this evening.

You're right, I should...
I should listen to you more.

It's OK, Thomas.
It's all about the long game.

MILLIE: Oh.

Last one.

Hitler.

Touche.