03x06 - Plague and Fury

[bunniefuu]

SHLUB: I'm glad
you were available to come

to this singles mixer.

I just wanted to do
something nice

to take your mind off Viscera.

I know you like her,
and I also know

it's not happening.
TYRANNIS: Why?

SHLUB: She's too serious
about her career

to date her boss's son.

She won't poop where she eats,

which is a terrible metaphor,

and a shame because pooping
and eating at the same time

is one of life's
great pleasures.

TYRANNIS: I know
why I'm here, Dad.

What about you?

SHLUB: Well, I'm here to make
sure you don't hook up

with any of my sloppy seconds.

At least, not unwittingly.

So, let's see.
That would be her,

her, him, him too,

her, him, that group over there,

that barstool you're sitting on.
TYRANNIS: Ah!

SHLUB: Hello!

Ty, why don't you introduce me
to your friend?

TYRANNIS: What?

Oh, sorry about my dad. I'm Ty.

MEGAERA: Megaera.
No need to apologize.

It was actually kind of smooth.

TYRANNIS: Was it?
MEGAERA: No, not at all.

[Laughing]

TYRANNIS: So, what do you do?

MEGAERA: Oh, um, I don't really
like to talk about that.

TYRANNIS: Oh, no, I hate talking
about my job so much

I don't even have one.

Not in a sad way,

more like a cool, idle-rich way.

I live on a houseboat.

MEGAERA: Oh, that sounds
kind of fun.

TYRANNIS: Really?

[Roars]

TYRANNIS: What is happening?
MEGAERA: We matched.

Time for the dragon
to throw us off the barge.

TYRANNIS: Time for the dragon
to what now?

[Screaming]

TYRANNIS: Good morning, family!

You're looking at a man

who got very,
very lucky last night.

SHLUB: Please tell your father
about it in exquisite detail.

Well, after Meg and I
tumbled off the barge

and I stopped screaming,

we got dinner.

So far, this amount of detail

is doing nothing for me.

TYRANNIS: We're taking things
slowly.

SHLUB: Now
you've lost me entirely.
VISCERA: Hey, Ty.

Do you think you could help me
with some city business tonight?

TYRANNIS: Oh, I have a date.

VISCERA: Oh.

But maybe I still can.

There's a lot of time
in the day.

That's the thing, no one agrees

on how much day is in a day,

so people
keep missing appointments.

I thought you and I
could start watching the sunsets

to get a handle on it.

Do you need my help
watching the sunset?

VISCERA: Yeah, at Poppy Peak.

But you have a date,
so forget I mentioned it.

TYRANNIS: I might be able
to move some things around.

VISCERA: Whatever,
we can do it another night.

The sun sets every day.

At least, I think it does.

Dad, could you talk to me
in the other room, please?

SHLUB: I hope it's the bathroom,
because that's where I'm headed.

DOOZIE: [Imitates a trumpet]

A message
from the Social Secretary!

Uh, Dad left. It's just us here.

Well, I already did
the trumpet noise,

so I'm just gonna say the thing.

The Royal Family
of the Kingdom of Sebacea

regret to inform you
that they have a plague.

So we will either have
to reschedule your visit,

or, depending on the death toll,

cancel it permanently.

DELIRIA: Did you say "plague"?

STUPENDOUS: Mom,
why did you say "plague"

the same way I would say "cake?"

Because the first god
who shows up to a plague city

gets to claim credit for it,

and then the whole city
cowers in fear

every time we go back.

STUPENDOUS:
That's not like cake.

DELIRIA: So if you'll excuse me,
Mama's got to go get paid.

HIPPOCAMPUS:
Mind if I tag along?

Why?

HIPPOCAMPUS:
The Sebaceans are fish people.

You might need a translator.

I speak a little glub-glub.

I should be fine.

All right, fine.

You're gonna be doing
some high-level godding.

I want to see it.

I want to study
the master at work.

DELIRIA: Well,
next time, lead with that.

Easily swayed by flattery exit.

[Barks]

HIPPOCAMPUS: Oh, yeah!

Who's a good girl?

TYRANNIS: Dad,
you were so wrong.

Viscera is into me.

SHLUB: Just so I'm clear,
is this a situation

where me being wrong
is a good thing for you?

Because if it is, hooray!

TYRANNIS:
You heard what she said.

She wants me
to time the sunset with her.

Time the sunset?

That's a completely
made-up activity.

It's on.

SHLUB: That's great.
So, what's the problem?

The problem is I've got
this new girlfriend, Meg.

Oh, God, I'm going to have

to break it off with her,
aren't I?

Oh, I hate this.

I feel sick.

Son, what are you trying
to tell me?

Are you monogamous?

What? Yeah, I guess.

SHLUB: Listen,
I'll love you no matter what,

and I'm willing
to accept your lifestyle.

I'd just rather
not have to hear about it.

[Thunders]

DELIRIA: Fair people of Sebacea!

You must be wondering

why you've all been dying
and/or getting very ugly.

Well, wonder no longer.

I, the goddess Queen Deliria,

have brought
this plague upon you

because you have displeased me.

TOAD: I've always looked
like this,

so I'm good, right?

No, I erased your memory.

Yesterday, you were gorgeous.

TOAD: I was?

That is...awesome!

ALGUS: Well, we didn't know
which god we had upset,

but now that we do,

we can do something about it,
right, guys?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Hold up a second,
King August.

I just have a few questions.

What the hell
do you think you're doing?

HIPPOCAMPUS:
Just a little science.

What's your main source
of drinking water?

Is it this pond?

ALGUS: Yes. Why do you ask?

DELIRIA: Yes, why do you ask?

Because you're very close
to displeasing me right now,

and I am in a plaguing mood.

HIPPOCAMPUS: I got a theory
that plagues are caused

by something in poopy water.

Potentially the poop.

DELIRIA: Well,
stop having that theory.

You said
you were going to study me,

and before that,
you said you speak glub-glub.

Whatever it took
to get you to bring me here.

Now I'm gonna figure out
how plague works,

so it can be avoided
in the future.

[Gasps]
Why would you do

such a petty, vindictive thing?

Why do you think?
For the glory. Duh!

DELIRIA: Well,
you do your little science,

but stay out of my way.

And if you give them even a hint

that I didn't cause this one,
I swear I--

ALGUS: Hey!
Are you gonna be a while?

DELIRIA: Yes,
we're going to be a while.

And you just got yourself

three more weeks of plague
for interrupting.

ALGUS: Oh, Algus!

Stupid, stupid!

Why did you have to--

Well, everyone makes mistakes.

You'll get them next time,
Algus!

TYRANNIS:
Thanks for meeting me early.

MEGAERA: Oh, I was happy to.

You know, my oracle told me

I was gonna meet
a funny guy on a barge.

Actually, get this,
she said "a keeper."

Ooh, isn't that amazing?

Yeah--About that.

MEGAERA: Is everything alright?
TYRANNIS: No, I mean, yes.

I mean,
there's something I need to--

MEGAERA: Oh, my God.

Hold on.
I cannot believe he's here.

TYRANNIS: Who?
MEGAERA: I'm so sorry.

I need to take care of this
real quick.

[Goddess voice] Seth! I see you!

You think you can enjoy
a nice meal?

You can never escape me!

I am relentless.

I am unforgiving.

Wherever you go,
whatever you do,

I am your personal destruction.

The only way to make it stop
is to k*ll yourself.

Do it! Do it now!

[Man whimpers and screams]

[Blood pours]

He's thinking about it.

TYRANNIS: I'm sorry. Are you--

MEGAERA: I'm a Fury.

So sorry
to have to work on our date.

I hate people who do that.

TYRANNIS: So your job is to--

MEGAERA: To torment men. Yeah.

When a guy messes up
with a woman, she'll call us,

and we torment the guy
until he kills himself.

[Goddess voice] Which you really
should consider!

So, anyway,
that's why I don't really like

to talk about it
early in a relationship.

The Fury energy
tends to intimidate guys,

and sometimes
I kind of can't quite--

[Goddess voice]
--shake it off right away!

You know? It kind of wants to--

[Goddess voice]
--hang on a little!

But you're not intimidated,
are you?

Did you say there was something
you wanted to talk about?

TYRANNIS: Nope.

[Shouts]

She's a Fury.
Megaera's a flippin' Fury.

I need everyone
to drop everything

and help me deal with this.

SHLUB: I don't see a problem.

I've always wanted
to be ravaged by a Fury.

TYRANNIS: I was gonna
break up with her

so I could watch the sunset
with my dream girl.

I can't do that now.
She'll fury me.

I can't handle getting furied.

STUPENDOUS: No one can.

TYRANNIS: Exactly,
which means I really can't.

What the hell do I do now?

STUPENDOUS: This one's easy.

Get her to dump you.
You're great at that!

TYRANNIS: Thank you,
but not this time.

She likes me.
Her oracle said I'm a keeper.

Okay, okay, I've got it.

I am the all-seeing oracle.

I've got one eye
and it sees everything.

Probably because I'm breathing
volcano fumes all day.

That's a scuttlebutt on oracles.

They're basically
just hallucinating.

I'm gonna pretend
to be an oracle

and tell her not to date you.

TYRANNIS: I don't know, Stupe.
Feels risky.

STUPENDOUS:
You are getting very sleepy.

TYRANNIS: That's hypnosis.

STUPENDOUS: Is this your card?

TYRANNIS: That's magic.
Any other ideas?

You go see Viscera.

Daddy will take care of it.

I wing-manned one suitor
into Megaera's life,

I can do it again.

STUPENDOUS: And I
still got that Oracle plan

in my back pocket,
and I'm feeling very spooky.

TYRANNIS: That's a ghost, Stupe.

STUPENDOUS: So,
are we gonna keep playing

Watermelon-Axe-Mouth or what?

VISCERA: Oh, good, you're here.

TYRANNIS: Wouldn't miss it.
Though, I should warn you,

I'm technically not single. Yet.

VISCERA: Wait, what? Warn me?

TYRANNIS: Nothing. No, I didn't.

I was just saying--
I love to just say.

It's very grounding.

VISCERA: [Chuckles]
Okay, weirdo.

Let's get started
before we lose more light.

TYRANNIS: Wait, we're actually
measuring the sunset?

VISCERA: God, I'm hungry.

Give me your hand.

For measuring.
TYRANNIS: [Sighs]

VISCERA: Just because
I'm a hungry cannibal

doesn't mean I want to eat you.

I brought snacks. Here.

I'll hold this counter

and you slowly
close your fingers

as the sun sets.

TYRANNIS: And you're saying
this is the only way

to tell time?

VISCERA: Only way
I could think of.

TYRANNIS: So,
are you settling in okay,

making friends?

VISCERA: Well,
I did make one friend.

She was just telling me
she met a guy she really likes,

but isn't sure
she should tell him.

TYRANNIS: Okay,
I think I get it.

Is it because your "friend"

doesn't know
if he feels the same way?

VISCERA: Exactly.
TYRANNIS: Well,

I can tell you for certain,
he does.

VISCERA: [Chuckles]
How do you know that?

Oh, damn, we screwed it up.

I guess we'll have
to come back again
tomorrow night.

TYRANNIS: Right,
too, because we--

VISCERA: Jerky?

TYRANNIS: What kind?

SHLUB: Meg.
MEGAERA: Oh, Shlub,
what are you doing here?

SHLUB: Why don't you
introduce me to your friend?

MEGAERA: Huh?
BROSEIDON: What's up, Meg?

I'm Broseidon.

As in, nephew of Poseidon.

Yes, that Poseidon.

But I'm my own guy.
I've been working on that.

MEGAERA: Oh, sorry.
I couldn't really hear you

over all the alarm bells
going off in my head.
What was that?

Okay!

A feisty one.

Me likey feisty.

SHLUB: Broseidon, did you
have something to tell Megaera?

BROSEIDON: Right, yes.

Speaking of dads,

your father, man,
he must be a thief,

because he stole the stars

and he put them
in your eyes, baby.

My father is Hades.

BROSEIDON: Dang!
So those are probably, like--

What? People's skulls in there?

[Laughs]
You are stupid.

BROSEIDON: Oh, man,
and you are so scary.

[Laughs]
I love it when women
are mean to me.

STUPENDOUS:
I'm seeing you in a vision.

The vision is caused
by volcano fumes.

I see an ocean,

but specifically
not a houseboat.

And a guy--
Okay, wow, this is crucial,

with a ponytail on his chin.

MEGAERA: She's describing you.

BROSEIDON: Okay, but, like,

is she coincidentally
hallucinating exactly me

while not seeing me
right in front of her, or--

SHLUB: Let's have
whatever takeaway feels right
and move on.

ALGUS: [Clears throat]
May I present to you,

for your pleasure,

the world-famous
Sebacean Chorus!

[Singers clear their throat]

[Singing]

ALGUS: Your plague took out
everyone but the bases.

DELIRIA: Oh, they're terrible,
but I do like
how you said it was my plague.

Don't forget that.

Now, let's talk about my temple.
[Clinking sound]

HIPPOCAMPUS: Can I have
everybody's attention, please?

I'm looking for a volunteer

for some experiments
I'm gonna be doing

on the causes of plague.

DELIRIA: The causes of plague?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Full disclosure,

this will be
extremely dangerous,

but you just might save
your city.

DELIRIA: Oh, Hippocampus,
that reminds me.

I wanted to tell you--

[Whispering] Give it up,
you little creep,

or I shall crush you
into a paste.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Nice.
Unfortunately for you,

I'm a scientist,

so it's my job
to figure out the truth.

The truth? Who cares?

Anyone?
SCRUMBO: I'll do it.

[Gasping]
SEBACEANS: Scrumbo--

SCRUMBO: I got
nothing left to lose.

And if I'm gonna go out,

I'd rather do it helping.

No, no, no.

Healthy.
Guess I should have specified.

Thought it was clear.

I believe plague may be caused

by something that grows
in poopy water.

Not any act of any god,

just normal poopy water.

SEBACEANS: What?

ALGUS: Are you saying we should
be kissing the water's a*s

instead of Deliria?

FISHWOMAN: How would we kiss
water's a*s?

ALGUS: We'll find a way.

DELIRIA: Goddess wrath!

HIPPOCAMPUS:
You can't silence the tr--!

DELIRIA: Now, where were we?

SHLUB: This next song
is just for the lovers.

[Music playing]

STUPENDOUS: I figured out
what I was doing wrong
last time.

I needed a little help
from the earth vapors,

if you know what I mean.

SHLUB: I am
an incredible wingman,

and everything is going fine
without you.

MEGAERA: This is fun,

but I feel bad about Ty.

He's a really genuine guy,
and I don't want to hurt him.

BROSEIDON:
You're a good woman, man.

But you have to promise me
when we break up,

you're gonna give me hell.

Because I feel that, deep down,

that's the kind of treatment
I deserve.

MEGAERA: Of course, Broseidon.

Of course.

But first,
I have to break up with Ty.

STUPENDOUS:
She's gonna break up with you!

I saw it! In her vision!

And in real life!

Oh man, I got to hide.

These volcano fumes are wild.

[Shouts]

TYRANNIS: Megaera!

MEGAERA: Ty, listen,
you're a really great guy,

but I don't think
this is gonna work out.

I met someone else.

TYRANNIS: Oh, no.

I'm sad, but I understand.

MEGAERA: It was kind of nuts.
[Chuckles]

We just had such a connection,

and this crazy oracle
said something.

STUPENDOUS:
I told you it would work.

MEGAERA: Is that the oracle?

STUPENDOUS: [Grunts and yells]

MEGAERA: Shlub? What--

Did you plan all this?

TYRANNIS: Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

STUPENDOUS: Anyone want to hit
the volcano with me?

Fumes? No?
It's possible I have a problem.

[Goddess voice] You made up
a whole scheme with your family

so I'd break up with you?

How insulting is that!

I was worried you'd be upset
if I ended things.

You thought I'd be upset
after two dates?

TYRANNIS: Well, in my defense,
you do seem pretty upset.

I'm not mad
you broke up with me,

I'm mad you did it
like a two-faced

weaselly coward!

If you could just calm down
for a second

we can talk about this.

Calm down?

That's it, I am officially
submitting your Fury ticket.

Ya Furied!

TYRANNIS: [Screaming]

And with this drop of blood,

I consecrate this stone
in the name of Deliria,

which will be one
of the thousands of stones--

You're saying
the tallest structure

in the world?
DELIRIA: Yes.

ALGUS: Millions of stones

forming the great temple
of Deliria.

And you're saying each one

has to be consecrated
in my blood?

DELIRIA: Oh, I don't know.
How much blood
do things typically have?

ALGUS: I don't think enough
for a million stones.

[Grunting]

Ah!

Oh!

DELIRIA: Hey, what do you think
you're doing?

Proving that this water
is causing the plague

when I infect myself.

[Gasping]

ALGUS: Look, Scumbo!
Look what he's--

[Gasping]
You would have liked it, I bet.

TYRANNIS: [Screaming]

MEGAERA: [Goddess voice]
You punny little rat.

I wonder where I'll start.

Phantom itch?
Untreatable urinary infection?

TYRANNIS: You are
very good at this.

I know I am. You aren't
just messing with a Fury.

You are messing

with a three-time
Fury of the month.

Just jump, Ty.

MEGAERA: You'd save us both
a lot of trouble.

I could be home
in time for dinner.

Ah!

MEGAERA: You already took
the coward's way out once.

Why not do it again?

Coward!

Coward!

Coward!

I know. I know I am.

I was too afraid to have
an awkward break-up
conversation with you.

You're absolutely right.

I am a coward.

MEGAERA: [Screams]
What did you do?

TYRANNIS: Nothing,
I just said you're right.

MEGAERA: Stop doing that!

TYRANNIS: I'm sorry?

MEGAERA: No, don't be.

This is where I tear you down
and make you feel like garbage.

But I already feel like garbage.

I sort of always do.

I know I'm scared

and I'm an idiot around women,

and I'm ashamed of that.

MEGAERA: Which makes you
impervious to Fury.

I mean, it's terrifying,
but I'm not gonna k*ll myself.

MEGAERA: Oh, I'm--
I'm not mad anymore.

[Chuckles]
Not even a trace of it.

Wild.

Maybe I was just hungry.

Well, great.

So, friends?

MEGAERA: Oh, no. No, no, no.

But I am, however, going to do
some cardio.

DELIRIA:
You stop that right now.

Uh-oh. Are you worried
I'm gonna get sick?

Possibly because
you don't cause plagues

and something else does?

Of course not.
I just don't want you

to stink on the ride home.

Hope I don't get deformed
from something you didn't do.

Oh--Oh!

[Coughs]

Oh, God!
What did I do?

Mom, it was a game of chicken!

You were supposed to stop me!

DELIRIA: Calm down.

No-plague zap.

[Gasping]

You saved me!

You can actually cure
this thing?

DELIRIA: You should know
there aren't

a lot of things I can't k*ll.

And whatever plague is
seems to be very, very small.

Y'all saw it was the water,
though, right?

ALGUS: Who cares what it was?

Deliria fixed it!

All hail Deliria!

SEBACEANS: All hail Deliria!

HIPPOCAMPUS: I got
to hand it to you, Mom.

I did see a master at work.

You stopped me
from getting any glory,

and you still have
your plague worshipers.

DELIRIA: Are you kidding?
Cure worship is nothing.

It lasts a few days, tops.

I didn't get into this

for random admiration
once in a while.

I'm in the fear business.

This place is kicked.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Well,
maybe they'll start pooping

in their drinking water again.

DELIRIA: Stop trying
to make me feel better.

ALGUS: All hail Deliria,
savior of the--

DELIRIA: Oh, shut up.

[Squeaks]
HIPPOCAMPUS: [Screams]

VISCERA: Okay, 79 Krapopolis.

TYRANNIS: Oh, good.
I was worried I'd missed you.

VISCERA: 80 Krapopolis,


TYRANNIS: So, work is done.

Perfect timing.
You want to get a drink?

VISCERA: You know, I would,
but I can't tonight.

My friend just went
through a bad breakup

and she wants to blow off
some steam.

MEGAERA: Hey, Vis.
TYRANNIS: Don't hurt me.

MEGAERA: Oh, whoa.

VISCERA: Why would she hurt you?

[Gasps]
[Chuckling] Oh, my God!

You're the guy!

MEGAERA: Oh, yeah, he's the guy.

TYRANNIS: And you guys
are good friends.
MEGAERA: Yep.

TYRANNIS: You're not gonna talk
about me, are you?

VISCERA: "You're not gonna talk
about me?"
I mean, come on, we're girls.

Oh, yeah, big time.

MEGAERA: Hey, um,
could you maybe

not tell anyone
you stopped a Fury?

Or at least, like,
not how, right?

It's just, like, my whole job

is to get guys
to k*ll themselves.

So if word gets out,
you know what I'm saying?

TYRANNIS: I understand.

NARRATOR: And the prince
honored her request,

which is why the knowledge
of how to stop a Fury

was lost to man forever.

Also why, ironically enough,

no man to this day
has truly owned his cowardice

or apologized for his--
DAVID: Hey, when you're done--

NARRATOR:
Are you serious, David?

DAVID: What?
Oh, were you recording?

NARRATOR: In my recording studio
with the door closed,

was I recording?

DAVID: Jeez,
you don't have to be a--

NARRATOR: A what? No, say it.

Am I inconveniencing you, David,

doing the job
that pays our rent?

DAVID: For the cramped apartment
we had to move into

because you m*rder*d that guy?
Sorry.

NARRATOR: What did you just say?

DAVID: Accidentally m*rder*d.

NARRATOR: Get out!
DAVID: I shouldn't
have said that.

NARRATOR: I said get out!
DAVID: Okay, okay!

NARRATOR: Which is why
no man to this day

has ever apologized
for his transgressions.

I'm gonna m*rder you, David!

DAVID: I said I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, I'm sor--!

HIPPOCAMPUS: Hey, sis.
How you doing?

STUPENDOUS:
Those vapors were strong.

I shouldn't have gotten
near them.

But yeah, I'm okay now.

HIPPOCAMPUS: You know,
Dad's an expert
in this kind of thing.

If you need help
coming down from it or anything.

STUPENDOUS: No, I'm good.
But good looking out, bro.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Of course.

ORACLE: The Society
of Oracles is aware

that you've been
impersonating us.

STUPENDOUS: Oh, sh**t.
ORACLE: [Grunts]

[Grunting]

STUPENDOUS: You already know
where I'm gonna hit you!

ORACLE: As do you.
A worthy adversary indeed.

STUPENDOUS:
I'm anticipating every blow.

I'm a real oracle!

HIPPOCAMPUS:
Oh, I almost forgot.

STUPENDOUS: Not now, Hippo.

I'm being inducted
into the Society of Oracles.

HIPPOCAMPUS: I'll go get Dad.

STUPENDOUS: [Grunts]

MAN: Did you get any of that?