15x14 - The Ziff Who Came to Dinner

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(SINGING) ♪ The Simpsons ♪

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

(ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING)

Wow!

The Wild Dingleberries?

It's a movie version of a cartoon family you can see for free on TV.

But they stretched out the plot and added a wildebeest from the hood!

I am so there!

Sorry, pally. The Dingleberries are sold out.

But looking at you, I'm sure your kids are used to disappointment.

How about Diet Coke: The Movie? Sold out.

President Air Bud: Tail to the Chief?

Sorry.

My Big Fat Greek Salad? Not a movie.

The only movies starting now are The Re-Deadening and Teenage Sex Wager.

Ooh! Well, I am curious to see if those teens lose their virginity.

And the wager only sweetens the deal.

Mr. Simpson, that movie is condemned by our church's movie guide.

(HOMER READING)

Refresh my memory. These dweebs are with us, why?

Because Mr. Flanders volunteered to take the senior citizens out for ice cream.

Mmm... Ow!

This ice cream's too cold!

Ow! I cut myself on the cone!

(CHUCKLING)

Now, now, remember why we're here.

To celebrate Jasper's birthday.

(SIGHING)

Birthday?

(SIREN BLARING)

(SENIORS GASPING)

Yo, yo, yo! Give it up for M.C. Birthday!

(SINGING) I say a birth, a day, a birth-a-de-day.

Now my good time g*ng will blow you away (ALL SCREAMING)

Never leave the day room. Never leave the day room.

Never leave the day room.

Okay, kids. Forget the movie.

We'll just go to the furniture store and sit down.

Two for The Re-Deadening, please.

Huh?

The Re-Deadening? Is that any good?

Good? I'm in it. I had a small speaking role.

Yeah. I went to visit him and was banned from the set.

Mr. Leonard, how do you get in a movie?

Ha! Classic Hollywood story.

The director saw my photo in a medical book.

Hey, Lenny. Ls your film appropriate for kids?

Oh, yeah. There are lots of kids in it.

They fall victim to a vicious...

(INTERRUPTING) Don't ruin it for me!

One adult and four children for The Re-Deadening.

CHILD'S VOICE: La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

What's that, Baby Button-Eyes?

You want me to k*ll Mummy?

(GASPS)

But Mummy is ever so kind.

What?

Your buttons came from the trousers of a psychotic k*ller?

Then I have no choice.

(WIND BLOWING)

(SCREAMS)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Hey, I paid for this popcorn, and I'm eating it.

Mr. Simpson, I'm scared.

(LAUGHING)

Relax, stupid.

Everything you see is make-believe.

Although it is based on a true story.

Some of which happened in this very theater.

Oh, oh! Here comes my part!

Baby Button-Eyes! What are you doing possessed at this hour?

I'd better tell the governess...

(GROWLS)

Oh! God! The prophecy has been fulfilled!

(SCREAMING)

The buttons look like they're sewn to my eyes.

But they're really held on with hot wax.

Dad, I don't like this movie.

Can we go home?

Oh, honey, don't be scared. Look, they k*lled the evil doll.

(MAN SCREAMING ON SCREEN)

(WHIMPERING)

Well, what do you know? It's unkillable.

(WHIMPERS)

Honey, can Daddy rest his soda on your head?

Mmm-hmm.

That's my girl.

You took little children to The Re-Deadening?

Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgment for you.

But scaring kids is good for them.

It hardens them against future terrors, like roofing and driveway scams.

CHILD'S VOICE: La, la, la, la...

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, sorry. I forgot I bought the soundtrack album.

Honey, I know you're scared.

But there's no boogie woogies or wooly bullies out there.

Oh. Your nightlight's burned out.

And the only bulbs we have left are these red ones.

It was only a movie filmed in Vancouver with Donald Sutherland as the priest who stopped believing...

(LOUD BANGING)

Ah!

(MALE VOICE GROWLING)

Both of us heard mysterious noises coming from this very spot.

Bart and I will explore the attic until we find their source.

(LOUD CREAKING)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Must be the pipes. What do you think, Bart?

I think you're on your own, toots!

(GASPING FEARFULLY)

Okay. I'll just stay calm and approach this scientifically.

(LOUD BANGING)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

(CRYING) Oh, no!

If I don't make it out alive, I love you, Mom and Dad.

Maggie, you can have my books.

And Bart, I'll see you in hell, you booger-eating wuss!

That's right! We all know!

(CRUNCHING)

Ah! Bones!

Copyright Pink Pony Productions.

Visit us on the web at lisathemovie.com.

Ah!

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

Homie, that Kojak is sexier than Cannon and Barnaby Jones put together.

I think he looks a little like you.

(CHUCKLING) Who loves ya, baby?

How about a little interrogation?

Okay. You have the right to remain sexy.

Anything you touch can and will be held against you in a court of sex.

If you cannot afford a sex-torney...

(MOANING)

Mom, Dad, there's a ghost in the house!

Good. Can you play with him for half an hour?

Oh!

I don't see any ghosts.

I did find this Newsweek from 1986.

Why America loves S*ddam Hussein.

(EERIE WHISTLING)

That's it!

It's one thing for a ghost to terrorize my children!

But quite another for him to play my theremin!

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

Hello, Simpsons.

Artie Ziff!

None other!

I've been hiding in your attic living off the moisture I can suck from the rafters!

I thought we k*lled him!

No, we didn't.

But I did delete him from my bulk e-mail list.

No, you didn't. That's right.

Twice a week, I get your e-mail of the monkey peeing in his own mouth.

Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLING)

That monkey got America through some tough times.

Artie Ziff! Why are you living in our attic?

Let me explain.

I was an internet billionaire.

Say no more.

I would stop, but I love my voice.

(Artie) It was the go-go '90s.

And I was partying with Newt Gingrich, Janeane Garofalo and Scottie Pippen.

Everyone loved my corporation.

And then, the bubble burst.

Wait! Don't go!

My stock will have a slight rebound in 2003.

I had nothing.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

They even took my repo vans.

I had nowhere to go.

So I came here because Marge is the closest thing.

I've ever had to true love.

We had one date! And you were not a gentleman!

(GRUMBLES)

(Artie) Oh.

Don't worry. If you let me stay, I'll be on my best behavior.

Not even a fresh remark, except this one.

Wowie, wow, wow, wow! Zazooga!

Well, I don't know, Artie.

Forgive me. I'm just so envious of the happiness you all have.

Can I please be part of it?

Just till I get back on my feet?

No way! He's an annoying sneak who's out to steal my wife!

Come on, Dad. With his brains and your musky smell, I've got a full male role model.

And it would be nice to have someone here I can beat up.

Ow! No fair! I'm telling.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, kids. You can keep him.

Yay!

(GROANING)

"When she pressed her lips to his forehead"
"and walked out with Denise and Gary"
"into the warm spring night,"
"she felt that nothing could k*ll her hope now."

Nothing!

Ah. Thanks for reading me The Corrections.

It makes me feel better about my own family.

Doesn't your father ever read to you?

He tried once.

But he got confused and thought the book was real.

He's still looking for that chocolate factory.

It consumes him.

Hey, Mom, can I sleep over at Milhouse's?

I thought you were playing catch with Artie.

Yeah. But after the ice cream man cut up his credit card, he got a little depressed.

Oh, my!

Well, Homer, maybe you should take him to Moe's.

Come on, little fella.

You're hanging with me tonight.

Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff.

Hello, handsome!

Hello!

Losers.

(Kent) Coming up. Can yodeling cure cancer?

Of course not. But first, where is Artie Ziff?

(GASPS)

The SEC wants to know.

It seems Ziff Corp. spent stockholders' money on everything from marble toothbrushes to solid gold underpants.

Small investors have been wiped out.

I lost all me "screw you" money.

I'm very sorry to hear that, Willie.

Screw you!

Authorities are currently operating under the theory that Ziff is living in a cave somewhere.

He's not in here, Chief.

That's some good spelunking, Lou.

Mighty fine spelunking.

Okay, read 'em and weep.

I don't know why I'm losing.

Maybe I have some kind of "tell."

Hot mamma, I'm living in flushtown!

Population Artie!

Uh, I guess I'm in for 50 cents.

I fold. Me, too.

I'm out. I'm done.

I'll see your 50 cents and raise you $1.

Whoa!

Well, I'm out of cash.

But would you accept 98% of the outstanding shares of Ziff Corp. Stock?

And the peanuts in your mouth.

Very well.

(HACKING COUGH)

All of them.

(HACKING COUGH)

Flush. What have you got?

Four Jacks.

(LAUGHING)

Check it out. I own a multinational corporation.

(LAUGHING)

I always knew someday I'd be a C.O. D.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Freeze! Securities and Exchange Commission!

Artie Ziff, you're wanted for stock manipulation and securities fraud.

It's scum like you that undermine investor confidence.

Investor confidence? Perhaps this affects me?

I own 230 million shares of Ziff Corp. Stock.

You're the majority shareholder?

I sure am. With all the inherent legal liabilities.

(g*ns c*ck)

Hey, what are you... You're under arrest.

Wait a minute. How can you arrest Homer?

This guy's the one what done the thing that why you're here for.

I'm talking malfeasance here.

All right. I admit it.

I did run Ziff Corp. Into the ground.

And this man took me into his home when no one else would.

And now as the result of his brilliant card playing, he's the one you want!

(GASPING)

Tape his mouth so he can't deny it!

Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail!

Tell them I joined the Blue Man Group!

I'm the fat one!

Woman: Homer Simpson, how do you respond to the charge that your company has betrayed the public trust?

(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)

Plead the Fifth Amend... What?

(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)

Refuse to answer on the grounds that I... What?

(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)

Inseminate myself?

(QUIETLY) Dudes, I think this guy's coming on to me.

You, sir, are a moron!

A Mormon? But I'm from earth!

Oh, for heaven sakes!

Your majesty, can I go home now?

Your company's crimes have left a scar on this great nation.

And she was so beautiful.

But what man would want her now?

Man: I wouldn't want her...

(Krusty) Yeah, she was hot.

My husband's going to jail, and it's all your fault!

Do you know why no one likes you?

Anti-Semitism?

No!

Your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself.

Marge, I think about a lot more than just moi.

(SINGING) Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie.

Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie (SCATTING)

Oh, my God.

She's right.

I never want you in this house again!

If he's out, can I move back in?

What do you think?

And she's the nice one.

Okay, kids.

This book should help you deal with your feelings.

Look, Maggie. It's a pop-up.

"Daddy's made a shiv."

"Can you help him ice Johnny Shakes, the jailhouse stoolie?"

Uh, ew.

Hey, let me read it to her.

"Johnny's friends get some payback on Daddy while he's sleeping."

Daddy's on fire. Daddy's not on fire.

Daddy's on fire...

Marge: Daddy's not on fire!

(CRYING)

Okay, fine. He is.

(COOING)

I miss you guys so much.

The smell of Marge's pork chops.

The way you kids kiss my owies when I go boom.

(SOBBING) This place has become like a prison to me!

Hey, Dad. Maybe this will cheer you up.

Why you little...

(IMITATES CHOKING)

Aw. It's no use, son.

By the time I get out of here, you'll be grown.

(SINGING) Turn around, turn around.

Turn around and you're a young man (VOICE BREAKING) And you're too big to choke (SOBBING)

Well, well, look who showed his face.

The louse who sold out his only friend.

You've got a lot of nerve coming here.

But since you did, what'll it be? First one's on the house.

Is this dump open? We were jogging and ran out of cigarettes.

Pardon me for intruding.

But I believe teenage girls shouldn't smoke.

(LAUGHING)

(COUGHING VIOLENTLY)

Are you still living with Marge?

No.

She kicked me out for sending her husband to prison.

You put Homer in jail?

(SHUDDERS)

The hair is standing up on the back of my knees.

Keep your Odor-Eaters on, Selma.

I've seen you get hurt too many times.

I'm not gonna let him into my heart or my bedroom.

Just 10 minutes on the beanbag. Come on, Short Round.

We're going back to my temple of doom.

Be gentle!

You know, they say that the love of a good woman can save any man.

Except you, freak!

Well, if you change your mind, you know where I am.

In my nightmares!

I'm gonna stop now.

(ARTIE GRUNTING SOFTLY)

(Selma) What the hell are you doing?

I can't get my socks off.

Ah, leave 'em on. I like a man with a little mystery.

I'm done.

My kinda man.

(Artie) Oh!

Wonderful, glorious, magnificent.

And you were pretty good, too.

(LAUGHING)

Oh! (INHALES DEEPLY)

Selma, you've made a new man of me.

Thanks to your angry love, I can no longer sit by selfishly while another suffers for my book cooking.

What are you gonna do?

First, I'm gonna read the paper, have a little nosh.

And then, I'm gonna rinse out a few things.

And then, finally, I will get an innocent man out of jail.

Well, he can't break my heart, 'cause he kind of makes me sick.

This could work.

Artie Ziff shocked investigators today by turning over a second set of books detailing his own financial culpability and exonerating stumbling, bumbling boob Homer Simpson.

Simpson's grateful family had this to say.

I'm so happy to be getting my husband back.

And I'm happy to listen to FM 95.3, home of Boomer and the Diz!

Bart! Chill out, Mom.

They gave me this hat.

Mmm...

Sorry you were wrongfully imprisoned, Simpson.

Can I apply my time toward a future crime?

You can either steal a car or kick me in the crotch.

(GRUNTS) No one ever chooses the car.

Oh, Dad!

Mmm. I missed you so much!

Oh, my God! Maggie, you're talking!

Homer, I believe that's Lisa.

Oh, Bart, what a man you've become.

Artie, thank you for doing the right thing, eventually.

All I needed was the love of a good woman.

And since you're not interested...

I'm not!

Merely checking.

Because I'm into that.

I'll visit you in two weeks.

I have to admit, I'll miss having him around.

(LAUGHING)

I don't think we've seen the last of Artie Ziff.

Yo, hobbit. I'm like your roommate.

Oh, a smoker, eh?

Well, I have ways of dealing with you.

Squirt, squirt, squirt.

Your lungs will thank me.

Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie.

Oh, look! There's a whole bunch of you!

Squirt, squirt, squirt!

That's it. Circle around me.

Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt.

Oh, I'm gonna need more water.