01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

A seagull flew in and landed,

gold shimmer on her wings.

Bird in me roaming freely.

This is love.

Then seagull flies away,

gone for every day.

This is love.

So, is she in love with a seagull?

Well, it's a metaphor, obviously.

Right.

Have you been in love before?

I don't know.

Just be honest.

Give us something real, bit of grit.

Whatwhat part?

Right, I've got a bowl of soup

in th

See you in a bit.

What did she say, then?

Come on, tell me.

She loved it.

Did she actually?

Yeah.

Well, a little bending of the truth

never hurt anyone, did it?

What?

Don't pull me like that, you d*ck.

Well, get up, then!

Wasn't ready.

Right. This is what you've got to

do. Don't hit her.

OK, so you've got your bare

feet on the grass

and then you've got to just let the

negative charges run down into the

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Trav? Yeah.

I'm not signing your petition.

Why?

Because it's made up sh*t!

It's not! Scientists have done

We're making ourselves sick with

these rubber soles, separating us

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I signed it, but you owe me because

Mrs Blocker caught me with my phone

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"Is that phone more interesting than

me?" You know the face she does.

"Is that phone more interesting than

me?" This is so good.

"Cos if it is,

by all means, get out." One!

Have you seen it when she wears the

drawstring bag? Oh, my Go

It looks like, like, a fly

on an elephant's back.

You're such a d*ck. Ew! It went out

your nostrils and all./

You're a d*ck.

Oh, my God.

What's Poppy doing

with Lorraine Chapman?

I'll tell you this for nothing,

Poppy is a c**t!

Shut up.

Right, Lorraine was in the

newspaper, and now Poppy wants to be

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Yeah. So, she's transparent.

Lorraine Chapman had sex

with a frozen sausage.

I thought she was taking chemistry

A-level two years early.

So? She's still f*ck a sausage.

You haven't heard the best bit.

Apparently, it snapped inside her.

Oh! I know. font c

How f*cking long was the sausage?

Right, f*ck this,

this is boring now.

Right, b*tches, take it.

Oh, not again.

What's in this? Lyds, why do you

have to take it that one st

Alprazolam is a form of

benzodiazepine. What do you want, a

Come on. OK.

See you on the other side.

Right then, boys. Yeah!

MUSIC: Hallelujah

♪ 13 days since you left me

wondering what it all meant

♪ Was I just something for

the moment?

♪ 21 questions weighing on my brain

♪ I wanna dance

till I'm drunk on the feeling

♪ Dance like it's my ♪

Oh, no. My God.

♪ ..my first time

♪ I wanna dance till I

speed up the healing

♪ Get up, shake it till I find

♪ Somebody like you. ♪

I just like it

when it's just the three of us.

Yeah.

In the summer, my parents have got a

house in Italy, we should go.

Imagine.

That would be amazing.

Yeah, I could get a tan.

Oh, oh, there we go. There it goes.

I'm going to go. Will you get her

home? OK, yeah. fo

Bye, love you. Bye, Lydia.

Lydia!

Drugs are for mugs.

Some crusty old d*ck said that.

But I'm inclined to agree.

STAIR CREAKS

f*ck's sake.

CAR HORN BLARING

LOUD MUSIC OUTSIDE

Dad?

Dad! What are you doing?

It's Mum! She is out in the road.

Leave the mad b*tch out there.

Mum, come in the house.

Come on.

Look at the neighbours.

Mum, you're freezing.

Just come in and have a cup of tea.



Mum. Mum!

Come on. You've got to go and see

your uncle Dai. He knows a

Please, will you just put this on?

Your father's brother Dai, he knows.

He knows.

♪ How does it feel

to treat me like you do?

♪ When you lay

your hands upon me. ♪

Hey! Shut up, will you!

Sorry, love.

Come down and join us,

why don't you?

You're waking people up.

You want to deliver my pies or what?

I can deliver your pies.

Not a bother. Twats!

♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. ♪

Please, Mum!

Please, Mum.

Please, will you just come with me?

Why do you look so scared?

I'm the strongest woman in

the world.

MUSIC: Blue Monday by New Order

♪ To say what I need to say

♪ But I'm quite sure that

you'll tell me

♪ Just how I should feel today ♪

OK.

I've got you really

tight, all right?

Come on.

You're going to be fine, yeah?

Come on, come on. Right.

We're just going to sit

in this room, all right?

OK, come on.

Come on over here.

You can rest your legs, look.

There you go. Pull your nightie

down. There you go.

Excuse me, sorry to bother you, erm,

is there a doctor on duty?

My mum's not very well.

I'll get the senior nurse.

Jack!

Hiya, love.

I'm Nurse Digby. Who's this?

Mum, is it?

Yeah, it's my mum.

She's been here before.

She's got bipolar.

OK.

You on your own?

What's your name?

Come and dance with me, baby.

Mum, hang on a minute.

What's your name, love?

Trina Gwyndaf,

queen of the f*cking world.

OK. Crisis team, please.

Why don't you take a seat here?

OK.

Absolutely hanging.

I feel like my brain

Oh, fish breath, turn

round, stop scribbling.

I've got something to tell you.

What?

I'm in so much sh*t.

My mother phoned the school.

f*ck.

Did she report us?

Oh, yeah, save your own skin.

Not like that. You know what I mean.

No, just me.

How does she even know?

She's been counting them,

apparently. It's like, get a life,

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You're telling me,

I got up this morning to this.

Really some sh*t.

Here, let me see, let me see.

I want to see you when

I get back from work, Mum.

God. What's she going to do?

Jesus, I knew something like this

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Babe, don't worry,

it'll be fine, OK?

Right, a bit of hush, please?

First things first, gentle reminder,

you need to have your poems

in by 12 tomorrow.

I don't want to be in

the anthology, Miss.

Well, that's good, Priest,

because I highly doubt you will be.

Oh, my Godare you pregnant?

In your chair, Priest.

All right, don't shout.

It's compulsory that you all turn

one in, so, no excuses.

If you tell me your dog ate it,

you best bring the dog's stool

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Yeah, but Miss, if one of us wins,

do we actually get paid?

Or is this just sl*ve labour?

The poem gets printed

in the anthology Ooh!

..that's your payment. OK.

Fame, and the respect of your pee

Yeah, I'd rather the money, thanks.

Enough lip, Gwyndaf.

Jane Eyre, page 45.

BELL RINGS

Loser.

f*ck off.

Yeah?

Why you dangling like the drip

who never dropped?

Can I show you this?

I wrote something

else after we spoke.

Thought you said

it was sl*ve labour?

Well, I'm a wit, ain't I?

No jobs, no prospects.

In this green land of ours,

Mind your manners or your mam will

mind your knackers.

Black soot smeared face,

back broken with labour.

But still he can't afford a pint,

leccy off No light.

Did you read it all? No.

Oh. Is it OK?

It's not about OK, Bethan.

What? I know I said grit,

but I meant your grit.

Speak from your heart.

It's all I want.

That's art.

OK.

DOOR CLOSES

Hurry up, what are you doing?

Writing your diary? Uh, no.

I haven't done the biology homework.

I'm not waiting for you.

Fine, I'll be in now.

You run, I run, we all run.

Blind, deaf, dumb, the big d*ck

The big d*ck of society

blowing its

PHONE RINGS

Hiya, Nan.

Where's my girl?

I'm here.

Good. Well, I'm down the caravan.

I lost three games of bingo,

and now I just had a tikka pasty

that tasted like arseholes,

so that's £1.50 down the hoop.

And then

Nan. ..I turns my blower on

and sees you've been ringing my

dinger off the hook.

You know me, Beth,

I never looks at it Nan!

What? Hang on

What's the matter?

She's back in.

Ohfucking toot my chute.

Well, what have they said?

I don't know, yet.

I'm going down the hospital

after school.

Bethan, I can't get back today.

I've got no wheels.

Peg leg Roger brought

me down on the moped.

Well, it's fine,

it's not your fault, don't worry.

All right, love you loads.

Love you too.

All right, stay strong.

See you tomorrow.

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Diabetes is approaching,

creeping up on you today.

We're doing ropes, Marine style!

Oh, Bethan Gwyndaf.

Answer me this, yeah?

If you can't be bothered

to get in here on time,

why should I, hmm?

No, really.

Give me one good reason.

Cos you're the one getting paid.

All right, enough.

You lot of trophy for turning up,

waste of oxygen, rats in my sewer

crawling around

Do you know, if any of you lot

had as much get up and go

as I've got in my little toe,

this country might have lower rates

of heart disease, and yet here I

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helping you all out,

you bunch of losers.

Stop it! Oh, I'm sorry.

Something funny, Travis Beams?

Cos heart disease

is no joke, my boy.

No, erm, Miss, it's just

Thought I saw a fly

SHE SNORTS

And what's funny about a fly, hmm?

HE EXHALES

Exactly.

Check your smiles

at the door, please.

Go.

Come on, knees up.

We're all slowly catching diabetes.

One, two, one, two.

Come on, you've got a grip

like wet spaghetti, girl.

It's ripping my skin off.

Snowflakes, the lot of you!

Come on!

Right, right, down you get.

Hang on, I can't

I'm going to fall

Now, who's next?

Oh, my God, babe?

What?

Gutted! Look, Auntie Flo's in town.

Beth, your minge is leaking.

All right. Priest, stop it!

You can go and get changed.nt

Miss, you've got to sort that. I'm

not touching that rope.

I ain't touching nothing.

Oh, my God. Disgusting.

Are you OK? Disgusting.

Urgh, I can smell it as well.

Shut up, Priest. Beth, man.

That's embarrassing!

Oh, my God. She's got afternoon

school as well.

Beth, no-one's going

to remember tomorrow.

Priest has been calling me

Jam Rag Knickers all day.

What were you thinking?

It's PE 101 - always a fresh tampon.

Yeah, thanks for making

sure everyone noticed, by the way.

Babes, do you reckon

Blocher has a vibrator?

Yeah, sure.

I bet she's worn it down to a nub.

Don't want to go home, my mother's

going to bore my t*ts off with a

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What t*ts? What would

you know about t*ts?

Can I come to yours?

Can't, Dad's tonight.

Cool, thanks for nothing.

Beth, hook me up, just for an hour?

I wish, I've been summoned

to my mother's study when I get in.

f*ck it!

Let's just run away.

You say that every day, babe.

We could just hitchhike,

wherever, seriously, I don't care.

Yeah, we'll go to the place

in Italy that Beth said.

Yeah, gladly! But for now my mother

wants rosemary, dickhead.

Message you in a bit?

I'll probably be dead. Love you!nt

Let's do it. I want a doughnut.

Yes, I want a doughnut.n

Make it two. Are you actually going

to get a doughnut? nt

I need one And don't want

to feel guilty about it.

What is she doing?

What are you doing?

Buying veg. What are you doing,

prostituting yourself?

Whatever.

No school kids. What makes you think

I'm a school kid?nt

Oh, regular Ken Dodd, is it?

And you want two.

Out! Sorry, please can I just get

some rosemary for my mam?/

I'll leave my bag.

Make it quick.

Thanks.

Bag!

Sorry, just a few other bits.

Lychees. Yeah, I know.

Oh, you know, do you?

Why's your gob catching flies, then?

That's just my face.

My mother sent me a list,

she wants rosemary and lychees.

You're a liar, like every other teen

turd who comes in here trying

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What are you calling

me a teen turd for?

Want to taste this, turd breath?

Quit fingering my goods, or I'll be

fingering you to the police?

Oh, yeah?

Why don't you go

and finger yourself?

You rotten

Before I knock you out!

Suck on them, you stupid old bat.

She's right, though.

I've been telling lies

since I was eight years old.

Gemma Jones came round my house

and saw my dad had a wardrobe full

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She laughed at me and then told

everyone at primary school.

I said she was lying and it

was her dad who had the pornos

and everyone believed me.

I did feel bad, though,

because her dad is quite nice,

whereas my dad is the maddest

b*stard you will ever meet.

Oi!

Yeah?

Where's your mother?

Hospital.

I want to k*ll him.

HE RETCHES

Every morning, he coughs

his snot in the sink,

and I want to stab him in the back,

just take a knife and hack at him.

You shouldn't have done that.

She wasn't very well.

Get some chips.

BELL RINGS

Hiya, hiya, sorry.

I'm here to see Trina Gwyndaf.

Would you like to put your stuff

in the locker? Yeah, yeah./

All right, Mam? All right, love.

Thanks for coming in.

Of course. Come here.

You need to wash that, you've got

egg on it, or something.

Yeah, I will.

Nana's going to come in tomorrow.

She's been down the caravan.

That's nice. Yeah.

Nice weather for it.

You been all right today?

No, not really, Beth.

Sectioned now. That's it.

Yeah.

Locked ward.

Yeah.

What have you done to me?

I'm sorry, Mam.

I got you some pop, I did.

Stupid b*tch!

See what you've done?

You've delivered me

in the eye of the storm here.

There's cameras everywhere!

Watching me.

Everything gets reported back.

They're not even nurses.

Yes, they are.

Some of them are, not all of them.

Been sucked in!

APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

Trina. What's the matter?

OK, come out, Bethan.

Don't touch my daughter! Beth!

Behind me, now!

No-one's going to hurt her.

Put the chair down, Trina.

We're not going to hurt her

Touch my daughter and I'll k*ll you!

Will you come out? Step outside!

Step outside!

SHE SCREAMS

Sit! Help me, someone! font color="♪00ff

Trina, you're in a safe place

SHE SCREAMS

We can help you, Trina.

SHE SCREAMS

Don't Don't hurt me.

Don't hurt me We won't.

Beth!

TV: Strengthening as we go through

the night, gale force gust

There will be further heavy rain,

it will move out of Scotland

and push into the north of England

and Wales overnight tonight.

A little bit quieter

in the south-east,

and not quite as cold,

but we start off tomorrow morning

w

It could be a pretty dismal

early morning rush-hour.

Now it'll still be windy

in Scotland, but if you look at the

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Do you want a drop of pop, Mam?

I told you I had a baby

girl who died?

She was prettier than you.

Breezy for all of us and eventually

we'll start to see more cloud

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Perhaps the rain arriving here

a little bit later on.

Charlotte Church is

the voice of an angel.

By 2007, she'd sold over

10 million records, worldwide.

Right.

That's amazing.

"THE ONE SHOW" THEME

Sorry, just got to send

a message on here.

Well, hello and welcome to a

brand-new week here on The One Show

font color="♪00

And Matt Baker.

Now, if you were putting together

your list of dream dinner

party guests, well,

there are certain qualities

you'd want all of them

to share, aren't there?

Yes, well, I would say

they'd have to be funny.

Probably intelligent.

Well-informed

Charlotte Church's 2005 album,

Tissues and Issues,

sold more than 300,000 copies.

Please welcome Joanna

Lumley and Ian Hislop!

Where did he get the tux?

You happy with yourself?

Gas is off!

Guess what I did last night?

I don't know, waxed your fanny?

Shut up. We saw Chicago last night.

The musical?

Yeah, it's on in town.

I want to come. Me too!

What? My mother brought me a

brochure, I'll bring it in for you

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Apparently, right, in dance school,

what they do is they sit

on your thighs

so it tears all the muscle

All right, dykey? Give them here.

All right? All right, Priest?

Trying to ignore me, are you? No.

Last time I saw you,

I was licking you right up!

SHE LAUGHS

Shut up!

f*cking hell, when did

your t*ts get so big?

It's called puberty.

When did your mouth get so big?

Oh, you're f*cking cheeky,

aren't you? Ooh! font co

Hi, Beth. What? Oh, hiya!

Did you see Ms Morgan's e-mail?

Oh, no, not yet, I've been eating.

I had a pasty.

Oh, my God, shut up. Have a look.

You've been selected

for the anthology.

What? I have?

Yeah, I just read it.

It's brilliant.

Seriously, you should

be really proud.

My God, that's amazing!

Well done, Beth!

Consmatulations, you fat bab.

HE LAUGHS

Bye, Priest. You're an ape.

You're ugly!

Maybe come and sit with me

in English?

Talk about "rate yourself", and Loz

Chapman, she f*cked a sausage.

THEY SNOR

Here we go, Beth

"Please join me in congratulating

Bethan Gwyndaf who's been



Blah, blah, blah, boring. All right.

"You are a bond,

the glue that binds

"The knot that ties

two warring sides

"Oil and water, these bricks

and mortar, the wrong daughter."

What the f*ck? What?

Morgan laps that sh*t up.

I've got her eating out of this.

She f*cking loves it!

THEY LAUGH