16x01 - Treehouse of Horror XV

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: We now return to "Keepin' it Kodos," starring Kang.

Is dinner ready yet?

Our boss will be here any minute now.

(GRUNTING)

Ugh!

This one keeps eating himself.

(MUNCHING)

Hello? Octopuses, I'm done.

Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?

You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

What a delicious meal.

I feel like I'm going to burst.

Cool! I'm vomit!

(LAUGHS)

Well, a fine meal like that deserves a hyper-galactic promotion.

Hyper-galactic! Hyper-galactic!

Wait a minute. I don't have a family anymore.

You do now, son. You do now.

Standing tall on the wings of my dream.

Rise and fall on the wings of my dream

(HOMER GRUNTING)

(CAT MEWS)

(GRUNTS)

Homer, what are you doing?

Trying to get a Frisbee off the roof. (GRUNTS)

Ow!

Oh, there's the Frisbee.

(CHUCKLES)

(GROANS)

Concussion-diddily... Hemorrhage-doodily...

Injury-bodily...

Ned, you nearly died of a brain tumor.

Thank goodness that bowling ball knocked it out of your head!

(CHUCKLES) Welcome back, dawg.

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

My, you look awfully pale.

Let's get you some fresh air.

Hey, while you're there, can you get my Frisbee off the ledge?

All right. But I swear to God, this is the very last time.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, man, is this gonna hurt.

Ah! That's better.

(CHUCKLES)

Ooh!

Come on, Ned.

Just because you foresaw Dr. Hibbert's death doesn't mean you can see into the future.

It was just a sinister co-inky-dink.

Help me! Some bullies threw my shoes over a telephone wire.

With me in them!

Just wriggle loose. I'll catch you, little critter.

(EXCLAIMING)

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, another setback.

(GROANING)

What the Family Circus?

A second premonition came to fruition.

Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom?

(GASPS)

Well, I didn't need any special power to know that was coming.

Hey, Flanders, have you seen my Frisbee?

Homer, I can foretell people's deaths!

People's deaths, eh?

(BARKS) (MEWS)

Do me! Do me!

(SIGHS)

(g*n c*ck)

(GRUNTING)

(GASPS)

So, what do I die of? Too much happiness?

Naked girl avalanche?

Uh, you die eating a submarine sandwich.

What kind of bread?

Uh, country Parmesan. Woo-hoo!

Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?

Because I had a vision of myself sh**ting your father.

In this neighborhood, who hasn't?

Well, you can't fight fate.

But if you must sh**t our father, please remember our family motto...

"Not in the face."

Don't worry, sweetie. lam not gonna k*ll your father.

(LAUGHS) Flanders k*ll me?

(LAUGHING)

You never k*lled anybody and you're gonna start with the big dog?

(LAUGHS)

Homer, please don't tempt the gods...

I mean God. There's one God. Only one.

Well, sometimes there's three.

Hey, Chief, throw me your piece!

Uh, sure thing, citizen.

(g*n c*ck)

Come on! sh**t me a new one! Ooh.

I'm so scared. Ned Flanders is pointing a g*n at me!

You couldn't even sh**t me by accident, even if I whacked the barrel like this! Blip-blip-blip.

(LAUGHING) Blip-blip-blip.

Quit whacking my barrel!

Never! (LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS) You leave me no choice!

(WHIRRING)

(SIGHS)

I was supposed to sh**t you, but I didn't!

I changed the future!

What have I done? I've changed the future for the worse.

Homer, stay away from the nuclear plant.

Fine. I'll never go back, starting tomorrow.

Today is Lenny's birthday and they're having ice cream cake.

But you're gonna k*ll us all!

But ice cream cake!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I gotta find Homer! He's gonna blow up the whole town!

Yeah, well, you know, you gotta take the bitter with the sweet.

(MUFFLED) Homer! Homer!

Homer, do not press the "core destruct button."

...press...destruct button.

Don't do it! Don't do it! You'll k*ll everyone!

...do it! ...do it! ...k*ll everyone!

Sure is taking me a long time to reach this button.

Must...

k*ll...

Best friend!

(GROANING)

(SIGHS) Homer, fall backward!

(SIGHS) Whew.

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

Oh, you stupid son of a...

Homer, I'm so mad at you.

I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage.

(LAUGHING)

Everything's coming up Homer.

Yeah? Well, the joke's on you, smart guy.

The garage made it to heaven, too.

Hmm. I wonder if I could blow up heaven?

(God) Homer Simpson, it's time you got what's coming to you.

Your Frisbee.

Cool. You guys got a good buffet up here?

Oh, yeah. Just stay away from the three-bean salad.

You're not the boss of me. D'oh.

Hello, duckie!

(SCREAMS)

You gave me quite a fright, you did.

Say, you don't need no fancy knife to get me attention, not with those handsome mutton chops.

Come on, give us a snog.

(GROANS) That's not a snog!

(SIGHS) Looks like the Mutton Chop m*rder*r has struck again.

What should we do with the body?

I want you to dust her for Prince.

What does that mean?

(SIGHS) The Prince is coming by and I want her clean when he looks her over.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Perhaps we can be of assistance, Inspector.

Well, well, well, look who's here.

Master detective Eliza Simpson and her easily amazed sidekick, Dr. Bartley.

(GASPS)

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) What's this? A doorknob. Good show.

So what clues has the body shown?

(SCOFFS) We don't need clues.

We've already caught the k*ller.

(GASPING) Please...

This mysterious Hindu is clearly responsible for the m*rder.

Lock him up until we find someone darker, boys.

Please, I am not a k*ller!

I am but a humble purveyor of disgusting British food.

Lark tongues, head pudding, eel pies.

Eel pie? My favorite.

Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

We British sure eat crap.

(IN c*ck ACCENT) Inspector, might I have a word with you?

Absolutely.

(GAGGING)

Get back down there, you!

(GRUNTING)

You were saying? Well, it's like this.

I'm a proper c*ck flower girl, I am.

And I sees this real strange bloke. Uh-huh.

Out of sorts. Mad in the eyes.

All kettles and biscuits. Right.

Well, he seen I was looking at him... Mmm-hmm.

...and he drops this and runs.

Cor, blimey, skip to me loo.

Good Lord!

I'm afraid this case is beyond even your powers, little girl.

I'll take that challenge, Inspector.

Yeah, well, good luck.

Now, boys, let's see the suspect in that child abduction case.

I shall never grow up.

Uh, in jail you Will.

Yes, I recognize this blade. I sold it as part of a set.

The famed Seven Swords of Osiris.

Now would you be interested in an illustrated novelette?

It also includes a young David Diligent adventure.

Confound it, man! I need to know who bought those swords!

Very well. I will check my records.

You may examine my curios but do not touch my oddities.

Use your judgment with my gewgaws.

Well, I'll be blazed!

I know these missionaries!

I just told the natives they were having sex the wrong way.

Help! Help! Murther!

Ah!

The Mutton Chop m*rder*r is long gone.

But this ledger will lead us to him.

(GROANS)

This potion will give me new life.

(GRUNTS)

I'm alive! I'm gonna go to America!

I'll be in pictures! You'll see!

The whole world is gonna know the name Simon Stoolowitz!

It says here the swords were sold to C. Ebenezer Burns.

Burns? The evil industrialist who makes coal out of babies?

(GASPS)

I know just where to find him!

Ebenezer Burns? Yeah, he's over here.

How ya doin' there? Freshen your pipe?

Anybody need a let me down?

Whoa, whoa, heads up there, buddy.

Rat's gnawing off your toe.

(EXHALES)

The Sword of Osiris.

I once possessed the entire collection.

Then I sold them all for opium.

D'oh, how I wish I had them back to sell for more opium!

Who did you sell the swords to?

The fat man with sideburns. Like that one over there.

(GASPS)

There's your Mutton Chop m*rder*r!

Stop, fiend!

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

Don't be rude!

Hey, hey! Read the sign.

Well, well, what have we here?

Inspector, you've caught the villain!

But what are you doing in an opium den?

It's the only way I can get Ralphie to go to sleep.

I can make opi-ohs!

Well, Dr. Bartley, another mystery well solved.

Yes. With the m*rder*r behind bars, London's working girls are free to follow their merry calling.

(BOTH GASP)

Yet another Sword of Osiris!

But that must mean the m*rder*r is still at large!

Ah, he could've k*lled this one days ago.

The body is bloated and the face is rotten.

(GRUNTS) It was five minutes ago, you twit!

(GROANS)

(SNIFFING)

Hmm.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Please spare me. I'm not a m*rder*r, I'm not.

And I've never known the pleasures of a woman or a proper eating apple.

Quiet, you.

Ugh! There's cheese in my eel pie!

This week in our Summer Hanging Series, we're pleased to present the Mutton Chop m*rder*r.

At last God-fearing Londoners are free to walk wh*re Alley.

Stay your hand, Inspector. That man is innocent.

The m*rder*r's blade is covered with blood.

But the handle is covered with something else.

The unmistakable fragrance of eel pie.

Hey, lots of people like eel pie!

Yeah? Well, how many of them have mutton chops?

And why can't you be more like Eddie?

He never says a word against me.

Well, that's because you cut out his tongue.

(MUMBLES) He's right, Chief.

Inspector Wiggum, you are the most famous member of Scotland Yard.

Why would you do this?

Well, the fact is.

I wanted to come up with a case even you couldn't solve.

And besides...

So long, you stupid British twits!

Oh!

You'll never catch me!

I'm traveling at the speed of wind!

(CHUCKLES)

Remember me for my police work and not the murders...

Well done. Their fleet is destroyed.

(SINISTER LAUGHTER)

Daddy, I had the craziest dream.

Ralphie, you're still in it.

Wheel (MUTTERING GIBBERISH)

(Female Voice) I have a serious brain disease. Please give me a cat.

(MUMBLES)

This comically large capsule has lifetime supplies of niacin, thiamin, and riboflavin-glavin.

(ALL MURMURING)

(BABBLING)

Prior to ingestion, the pill must be reduced by my amazing new shrink ray.

(SCOFFS) Shrink ray? Oh, there's always something else to buy.

First, I lower the capsule top, thusly.

Then I zap the capsule, thisly.

And now who would like a lifetime of perfect health?

I'll take it.

No. That's not... Well, all right.

(GULPS)

That sounds like Maggie.

But she's right here...

(SCREAMS)

Now, now, don't worry, my dear woman.

She will be rocked gently to sleep by the stomach acids.

(SCREAMS)

(COOING)

Hold on, Maggie! Daddy's coming!

(GRUNTING) Come on.

(GRUNTING)

I got her!

Oh...

No, wait. This is yours.

(GULPS)

Your daughter has 30 minutes before the acid dissolves the capsule.

But we can rescue her by sending a miniaturized vessel through Mr. Burns' body.

Ooh, stop that! The felt is slicing through me like a knife!

Bio-nauts assemble!

Captain! Science Officer!

Security! Marge!

Now I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside.

And while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.

Let the commencement beginulate!

(GROANS)

Now, you must enter the subclavian vein.

Screw you, Doc! I fly from the gut!

Dad, you should listen to him.

He's a man of science and you can barely read.

(SCOFFS) Has science ever kissed a woman?

Or won the Super Bowl? Or put a man on the moon?

This is what I think of your precious science.

(ACCELERATES)

(GRUNTING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Help me, science!

Your ship is wedged in Mr. Burns' heart.

And you must dislodge it from the outside.

But watch out for retroviruses.

Oh, boy, are they retro.

It's a fun design by R. Crumb, who was friends with Harvey Pekar.

Seriously, though. Touch one and you're dead.

Why is my swimsuit so revealing?

Marge, that's what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage.

(GROWLS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Maybe this will help.

Where did you get that rib?

There's a whole rack of them over there. I only ate two.

(GRUNTS)

Bart, what are you doing?

Taking a whiz.

Stop that! We're guests in Mr. Burns!

To get Maggie in time, we'll have to catch a ride on a nerve impulse, the body's information superhighway.

Learning is cool! Yeah! Woo!

And to make sure we get there super fast, I'm hitting all the buttons with my palm.

(GRUNTS)

(SIREN BLARING)

(expl*si*n)

Well, that hurt like hell.

My sweet, undigested baby!

Mama! Mama!

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

I'm afraid I have some bad news, Simpsons.

Uh, with the baby's extra weight, you don't have enough power to make it back.

And one of you must stay behind to save the rest. Frink out.

Oh, my God! This is the worst Halloween horror we've ever faced!

And white blood cells are attacking my clothes!

Although I must admit they know where to stop.

We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind.

Bart? Lisa?

Fine. Me.

Marge: Don't worry! We'll be fine!

I'm saying goodbye to everything I ever loved.

Ooh. A marshmallow!

Mmm. Mmm.

Boy, when God closes a door, he opens a window.

(GIGGLES)

Mom, did you have to fly out through all those boogers?

Cut me some slack. I'm a widow.

Now there is still a slight chance we could rescue your husband before he expands.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Uh, make that zero chance.

Frink out.

Dad, would you like some of my Snicker bar cheesecake?

Oh, I feel full enough as it is.

I say when we're full.

You don't want to piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside.

Mmm. Oh!

I need a mouth hole.

Uh, and some other holes, too.

Cheer up, my chubby inner child.

I've got a feeling everything's gonna work out fine because...

(SINGING) ♪ I've got you Under my skin ♪

Homer: (SINGING) ♪ I've got you. Deep in the heart of me ♪

(Female Singer) ♪ So deep in my heart. You're really a part of me. ♪
♪ I've got you. ♪
♪ Under my skin ♪

(CRAZY CAT LADY EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)

Sometimes the world looks perfect.

Nothing to rearrange.

Sometimes you just get a feeling.

Like you need some kind of change.

No matter what the odds are this time.

Nothing's going to stand in my way.

This flame in my heart.

And a long lost friend gives every dark street a light at the end.

Standing tall on the wings of my dream.

Rise and fall on the wings of my dream

(HOMER SCREAMING)