01x09 - The Optimistic Mosquito

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Mirren: The natural world

is constantly challenging
its living inhabitants

and demanding that we
not only adapt but thrive

in this formidable environment.

Monkey #1:
[ Shivering ] If I die,

you have permission
to eat me, okay?

Monkey #2: [ Shivering ]
For the hundredth time,

I'm a vegan!

You never listen to me.
[ Shivers ]

These lessons,
while often harsh,

toughen us physically
and mentally.

And there are no better
proponents of Earth's teachings

than our fellow students...

the animals.

Grasshopper:
Out here in the wild,

you've got to always,
and I mean always,

watch your ba‐‐ Aah!

[ Screaming ]
[ Crunching ]

Mirren: We have watched
these battle‐hardened veterans

from a distance.

Now it is time we step forward,

lean in close,

and let them share
their knowledge with us.

Monkey:
[ Straining ] No bathroom?



No problem.

Dig yourself
one of these bad boys.

And now that I've dropped
some knowledge,

excuse me while I drop some ‐‐

Mirren: We are all students

on this sprawling campus
called Earth.

So prepare to laugh and learn...

when nature calls.

♪♪

♪♪

All travelers on this planet
seek connection.

We humans make friends
to enrich our emotional lives,

to build restorative
social bonds,

or just to have someone
we can judge

as we scroll through
their Instagram feed.

In the animal world,
forging this bond,

especially a romantic one,

can also be
full of complications,

as evidenced by these antelopes
in Sub‐Saharan Africa.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Female impala: I waited for you
for seven years.

And now it's too late.

Male impala:
I wrote you letters.

365 letters.

You wrote me letters?

Every day.
Including weekends.

Like letters letters?
With stamps?

Y‐Yes. It was an old‐fashioned,
romantic gesture.

You shoulda e‐mailed
or texted.

Who sends letters?
What, were you in prison?

I thought
it was a grand gesture.

Everybody,
check it out.

I'm talking to this guy
in the rain here.

Sends letters.
You believe that [bleep]

I want to be with you!

It's been seven years.

I got married in 2018!
Don't you have Instagram?

[Bleep] how long have you been
standing out in the rain?

Your horns
are getting wrinkly.

[ Crying ]
I...wrote you letters.

I can't believe I ever hooked up
with your dumb a*s.

♪♪

♪♪

Mirren:
Nature floods our senses

with astonishing beauty,

from fetid marsh waters

and hazy fields
of dreary scrub brush

to murky holes

teeming with hairy insects.

What, you wanted more
"majestic mountains

and awe‐inspiring oceans"?

I'm getting a little
burned out on those, honestly.

Plus, as our friend the sea
otter of coastal Alaska knows,

beauty can be found
wherever you look.

♪♪

Matthew McOtterhey:
Seems like everybody's into

binge‐watchin' TV these days...

binging this show
and binging that show.

Me, the only thing
I care to binge on...

is a big ol' gulp
of cool, crisp air.

And also sometimes cheese puffs.

I like it when my hands
get all dusty with the cheese,

and I get to lick 'em after.

'Cause who needs forks
and knives

when ya got God's silverware ‐‐

your fingers.

Just livin' that laid‐back life.

♪♪

Mirren: Our animal friends
possess a great wisdom

about their home
in the natural world.

They perceive the subtle
atmospheric changes

that precede a great storm.

They intuit when to hoard food

and when to relocate
to warmer climes.

And they also know
the hottest new bars.

Like this lizard just told me
about a speakeasy

that's hidden
behind an old barbershop.

So cool.

But how well do animals
know themselves?

We shall see, in this glimpse

at the fascinating cheetah
of central Africa.

Man: [ Rapping ] ♪ Allow me
to introduce you ♪

♪ To a cool, cool cat ♪

♪ She runs from zero to 70
in 3 seconds flat ♪

♪ Fastest animal alive,
no one can ever beat her ♪

♪ Let's hear it from her now,
it's the legendary cheetah ♪

Cheetah:
I actually sprained my ankle

getting out of bed last Tuesday,

so right now,

I'm lucky if I can go
zero to a brisk walk

in like 20 minutes without
wincing in pain, ya know?

Man: ♪ Oh, no, that sounds
terrible, sorry to hear it ♪

♪ But here's more cheetah facts
to help raise your spirit ♪

♪ Did you know
that cheetah's vision ♪

♪ Is as sharp as a hawk's? ♪

♪ Scannin' over the savanna ♪

♪ Got that prey on lock ♪

Cheetah: Yeah, so,
usually, that's the case,

except last year, I got Lasik

from one of those
group‐buying sites.

Ugh. Super sketch.

I know. Anyway,
long story short,

I can only see
like two feet in front of me.

Man: ♪ Dang, this cheetah's
had a real rough go of it ♪

♪ But, really, no one should get
Lasik 'less it's totally legit ♪

♪ Here's another cheetah fact
that I bet you didn't know ♪

♪ Males live in groups while
females like to live alone ♪

Oh, God.

Cheetah: Ugh, I'm so lonely.

I just hang out
with this dumb bush all day,

and it doesn't even, like,
talk back or anything.

Say something for once, bush.

Say something!

Man: ♪ Okay, that's it
for cheetah facts ♪

♪ And next week, we'll meet a
gator who is totally detached ♪

Gator: I feel nothing!

Man: Okay, is anyone gonna
pre‐screen these interviews?

Cheetah:
[ Sobbing ] Say something!

♪♪

♪♪

Barb: So but then Carol,
you know Carol on floor three,

that executive assistant?
So after the Christmas Party,

Carol made out with ‐‐
Cattle: Barb, I told you,

I'm turning a new leaf
this year.

No more
office gossiping!

I really don't want to know
this stuff!

Ooh, but just this once!
This one is so good,

and then I promise
I'll leave you alone.

Okay, so,
Christmas Party.

Carol got real hot 'n' heavy
in the handicapped bathroom

with Jerard, Jerard from
accounting, even though ‐‐

Barb! Please! This is
really awkward to hear.

Even though Jerard is Mrs. Ryan,
Carol's boss', son‐in‐law!

I...already knew that.

You did?!
Well, yeah.

I'm Jerard.

Ohh. I see.
But did you know

that Becca and Josh made out
on the loading docks?

[ Gasps ] O. M. G.!
Tell me everything.

♪♪

Mirren: The natural world
is governed by pure instinct.

Wild creatures are rarely
afforded the time

to reflect upon their actions,

which is why we almost
never encounter

an animal psychotherapist.

Also, therapy sessions
aren't covered

by most animals'
insurance plans.

But occasionally, we catch
one of our wild cousins

in a fleeting moment of repose,

as with this long‐tailed macaque

on the shores of Thailand.

♪♪

Baboon: She liked my post.

Why did she like my post?
What does it mean?

I posted the post,
then she liked my post

because she likes...me?

She likes me!
And we're gonna start dating!

And we're moving in together
and get matching anchor tattoos!

And she'll be the primary
breadwinner and ‐‐

No, no, no, no, no, you idiot.
It was a pity like.

She saw the post had zero likes
and thought,

"I better
give that loser a pity like

so he doesn't become
an even bigger loser."

Or maybe she just fumbled her
phone and her finger slipped

and it was all an accident.

[ Smacks lips ] Yep.

It was an accidental like.

She doesn't even know
I exist, because...

maybe I don't exist,

and I'm just a figment
of my own imagination.

[ Scoffs ]
I gotta quit social media, man.

[ Chime ]
She liked another post.

That means she loves me,
and we're gonna get married!

I'm back, baby! Sorry, Helen,
I'm off the market!

♪♪

Mirren:
Fear is a natural reaction,

hard‐wired into
every living creature

as a means of detecting danger
and ensuring survival.

♪♪

I, for one, am terrified

of extreme close‐ups
of hairy spiders.

Aah! No!

No, no, not cool!
No, not cool!

No, get that hell spawn
off the screen right now.

Oh, Jerry, why would show that
to me?

I mean, what's wrong with you?

Jerry: I'm sorry.
I'm just conditioned

to automatically roll footage
of any animal you mention.

Yes, but you know I despise
seeing extreme close‐ups

of very hairy spiders.

Aah! Jerry!

Sorry.
My finger slipped that time.

Let's just go to something I
find more adorable and cuddly,

like the timber rattlesnake
in New England.

Announcer: And now discover
the hidden terrors within...

the serpent's lair!

[ Thunder crashes ]

Snake: Why, hello, there.

Are you s‐s‐s‐scared?

[ Sniffs ]

Ahh, I can s‐s‐smell your fear.

Don't move a muscle,
or I'll pounc‐c‐ce.

I'll sink my venomous teeth
into your ‐‐

[ Yawns ]

You didn't hear that.

I'm not sleepy,
I'm terrifying.

That was my m*rder cry.

Yes‐s‐s‐s, aren't I
disturbing‐looking?

Don't I make the hairs stand up
on the back of your neck?

That's‐s‐s‐s because
I'm a poisonous, silent,

cold‐blooded, slithering ‐‐

[ Yawns ]

[ Yawning ] Oh, man! I'm tired!

Ooh‐whee!

Ah, who am I kidding?
I'm just like you.

But you know how it is.

I mean, everyone loves
the "scary snake" thing.

It's what pays the bills!
It's what the people want!

[ Yawns ]

Ah, man, I was up late.

I found an ex of mine
on Instagram

and went down a rabbit hole,

by which I mean
after stalking my ex online,

I went down a literal hole
and ate an entire rabbit.

Listen, I'm gonna drift off
here, take a little nappy.

You can show yourself out.

Announcer:
Yeah, show yourself out of...

the serpent's lair!

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

Matthew McOtterhey:
It seems like rappers these days

are obsessed
with being infantilized

by the music industry.

Just look at their names.

You got Baby, Lil Baby,
Bhad Bhabie.

The only baby I care about...
is my nephew, Jeremiah.

He's my sister Teresa's kid.
So cute.

I'd show you a picture, but...

my phone is back at the cabin
in airplane mode.

I like to log off and just...
be present.

Just livin' that laid‐back life.

Here's to you, Jeremiah.

♪♪

Mirren: Traveling is a necessary
part of many animals' lives.

Zebras migrate
to find fresher grass and water.

Geese travel south to seek
warmer climes in winter.

And this elephant

is wandering across
the continental United States

in search of the one‐armed man
who m*rder*d his wife.

But some animals are
ill‐prepared for such journeys,

like this Siberian chipmunk
in Japan.

♪♪

Announcer: They form
the last line of defense

between weary travelers
and the safety of our airspace.

These are "True Stories
of the Animal T. S. A."

Harold: Ma'am, I'm gonna need
you to keep the line moving.

Chipmunk: [ Muffled ] Crap.
How far am I over the limit?

10 pounds.
You wanna pay the fee?

Nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope.

I just got a little carried away
at the duty‐free shop.

I can move
some stuff around.

Miss, y‐you can't
do that here.

[ Grunts ]
Miss, please.

You listen to me.
I'm gonna sit right here

and cram everything
I just bought into my mouth,

rather than pay your stupid,
exorbitant $500 checked‐bag fee!

Actually, you're
a frequent flier,

so there's
no extra charge.

Huh. I see.

Then, uh, could you do me
a favor and call a doctor?

I think I just swallowed
a 64‐ounce bottle of cologne.

Actually, I'm clocking out.
It's my break.

Next time on "True Stories
of the Animal T. S. A."...

Sir, you can't bring an entire
pond onto the aircraft.

Hippo: Fine! I'll just
drink it here in line.

[ Slurping ]

♪♪

♪♪

Mirren: To survive a typical day
in the natural world,

animals must navigate
a gauntlet of obstacles ‐‐

evading predators...

Seal: Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Mirren:
...foraging for resources,

or trying to get
to the other side of a pond

without stepping in a pile
of flamingo poop.

But some situations
are more stressful than others

and require a stealth ‐‐
and a patience ‐‐

that may not come naturally,

as with this spiny reed frog
in the jungles of Malawi.

♪♪

Man:
Agent Jackson, do you read me?

Agent Jackson:
[ Grunts ] Copy.

The bread
has left the toaster.

Agent Jackson,
are you buttering?

Huh?
Are you in pursuit?

[ Grunting ]

Oh, uh, yeah,
I'm in pursuit.

Mayday, mayday, mayday!

[ Grunting ]
What is it?

The tiger has entered
the kiddie pool.

I repeat, the tiger has
entered the kiddie pool.

You've gotta cool it
with these code names.

What does that even mean?
[ Grunts ]

He's headed for the vault!

How much time do I have?

T‐minus 8 seconds.

Pick up the pace.
He's right on your tail.

Stay low
and don't make a sound.

The cat is on
the hot tin roof.

That means
he's right on top of you.

He's stepping
on my eyeball!

Uh...I am ‐‐
I am so sorry.

What is that code for?

It's code for he's literally
stepping on my eyeball!

Oh, man, you gotta be
[bleep] kidding me.

Now I gotta break into
my optometrist's office

and steal some new
contact lenses.

This whole being a spy thing?
I don't think it's for me.

♪♪

Mirren:
We have borne witness

to a host of fascinating
animal behavior ‐‐

normally fearsome lions

heaping affection
on their young...

ants toiling selflessly

for the good of their colony...

and this monkey

rolling what looks like
a grapefruit

for, honestly, three hours.

I counted.

Seriously, guy, get a new hobby.

But the one thing
we have yet to observe

is self‐consciousness.

Animals are blissfully free
of judgment and shame.

It can be refreshing ‐‐
and jarring ‐‐

to see creatures so at home
in their own skin,

as with this Bornean orangutan
in Malaysia.

Orangutan:
Well, good morning, sleepyhead.

Or should I say good afternoon.

You look so pretty
when you sleep.

I've been up for hours,
just sitting here watching you,

and so far, it's been
the best day of my life.

Only matched, of course,
by the best night of my life

which was, um, let me think...

oh, yeah, last night.

[ Chuckles ]

I don't know.
I'm just silly in the morning.

Oh, hey, hey, don't be
filled with regret. No.

Let's fill you with some waffles
instead, okay?

My treat.

♪♪

♪♪

Matthew McOtterhey:
Seems like everybody's putting

a whole lot of themselves
in their devices these days.

"I" this and "I" that.

It makes you wonder...

what if we focused
a little less on our "I" phones

and a little more
on our "we" phones?

Now, that's a connection

I'd gladly sign
a two‐year contract for.

Just livin' that laid‐back life.

♪♪

Mirren: As another wild journey
comes to an end,

nature bids us adieu.

The sun sinks into the horizon,

silence falls across
the animal kingdom,

and the meerkats plug
their tails into USB ports

so they'll be fully charged
in the morning.

As for me, I'm heading out
to my second job ‐‐

working the shoe rental counter

at my neighborhood
bowling alley.

I love it.

But I'll be back...

when nature calls.

[ Both grunting ]

Left roo:
Sibling secret handshake time.

Right roo: Ooh, yes.
Let me get into position.

[ Clears throat ]
Okay, go.

Over‐under, back‐hand ‐‐
Over‐under, high‐five,

loopty‐loop ‐‐
Hey, that's not how it goes.

You hit me in the face,
you dummy!

Don't call me a dummy!
I'll mess you up.

Ow. You're not
my real brother!

[ Gasps ]

What?

You're...adopted.

[ Sniffles ]
Is that true?

Yes. Six years ago,
Mom found you in a basket

placed on
our front doorstep.

[ Crying ]
I don't know who I am anymore.

Was I...
at least in a cute basket?

I mean, it wasn't,
like, Pottery Barn,

but it was...
decent, I guess?

No!

I'm an ugly basket
orphan boy!

[ Crying ]

Do you want to...practice
our handshake one more time?

Yes. Here.
[ Grunting ]

Let me get into position.

♪♪

Mirren: Earth is home to a
staggering diversity of life.

From its towering peaks

to the depths
of its mighty oceans,

this planet teems
with fascinating creatures.

Antelope: Swine Club! Run!

Hog:
Yeah, you better run.

Hog #2: Anarchy‐y‐y‐y!

Hog #3: This is a lovely
neighborho‐o‐o‐o‐od!

Mirren: These unique beings,

some of them quite alien to us,

are almost ethereal
in their beauty and mystery.

Gopher: [ Echoing ] Hey?

Hey!

Hey!

Mirren:
On the surface, it seems

we humans have little in common
with these animals.

But when we open our minds,

the universal truths that bind
us together are revealed.

Water buffalo:
Yeah, like we hate traffic, too.

[ Horn honking ]
I'm moving, I'm moving!

Mirren:
Let us now draw closer

to these once‐enigmatic
creatures

and celebrate
our striking similarities...

when nature calls.

♪♪

♪♪

Seth: Hi, YouTubers.
It's me, S‐S‐S‐Seth,

and welcome back
to my ASMR channel.

"S‐S‐S‐Slurpin' with S‐S‐Seth."

In my last video, I drank soda
out of a test tube,

but in this video, I'm going to
drink filthy water from...

a mud hole.

So sit back, back, back

and relax‐lax‐lax.

♪♪

[ Slurping ]

[ Gurgling ]

Ahh, the sound of mud water

traveling through
my intestinal tract.

So s‐s‐s‐s‐satisfying.

Don't forget to like
and s‐s‐s‐subscribe.

♪♪

Mirren:
Within the animal kingdom,

there are those who live
a solitary existence,

away from the teeming masses ‐‐

species such as the polar bear,

the moose,

and this lizard, who lives alone

and makes dolls out of his
neighbors' discarded dryer lint.

Hmm, better keep an eye
on that one.

But as in human society,

there are those individuals
who long for social connections,

like this Japanese boar
on the island of Honshu.

♪♪

Announcer: Old Boars Only
is the dating site

exclusively for old boars.

So if you're a boar
and you're lonely

and you're looking for love

and you're above the age
of, let's say, 67,

then have a younger person
show you how to use a computer

and log on to Old Boars Only.

It works!
Just ask this old boar.

Ebenezer: My name is Ebenezer,
I'm a Virgo,

and I like to root for truffles.

I'm looking for a companion
who's energetic, romantic,

and doesn't get spooked
by loud farts.

Come find me and let's sniff out
companionship.

Old Boars Only.

Because there's someone
for everyone.

Right? I mean, uh, there ‐‐
there has to be,

just, like,
statistically speaking?

♪♪

Mirren: Self‐motivation
is not a quality often lacking

in the animal world.

From a seal pup
taking the initiative

to evade a hungry orca...

to a gazelle desperately
outrunning a cunning cheetah...

to this mantis attempting to ‐‐

Oh.

Well, better luck
next time, friend.

Still, there are creatures

who require more of an impetus
to take action,

like this gray‐collared chipmunk

in the woodlands
of North America.

♪♪

Paul: Alright,
time to get myself started

so I can go for a ride.

Okay. Here we go.

[ Imitating engine sputtering ]

Damn. Ignition's not working.
That's weird.

Maybe if I just fix this thing
here or this thing there.

Or maybe this part is stuck?
Hmm, I don't know.

Maybe I should try again.

[ Imitating engine sputtering ]

Chipmunk #2:
Hey, neighbor. What, uh...

are ya doin' over there?

Who, me? Oh, I'm just tryin'
to get myself started.

[ Imitating engine sputtering ]
"Get yourself started"?

Like a car?

Uh, what's a car?

I don't know, man. I guess
this is just a chipmunk thing.

Is it? Because
I'm also a chipmunk,

and I've never really ‐‐

[ Loudly imitating
engine sputtering ]

You're making those sounds
with your mouth.

Okay, here we go.
Here we go.

This piece of junk
better start working.

Are you talking about...
your own body?

[ Imitating engine
rumbling, sputtering ]

Hey, Paul.

I know you've been going through
a lot since the divorce.

And I'm here to talk
if you ever ‐‐

[ Imitates engine sputtering ]
Sorry, sorry, I can't hear you!

I was just saying, we all have
emotional needs, pal! I ‐‐

[ Imitates
engine sputtering ]

[Bleep]
I flooded this thing.

[ Crying ] I gotta go inside
and get a crescent wrench.

[ Sniffles ]

♪♪

Mirren: In the wild,
it is important to be apprised

of changes
in one's surroundings.

Animals must be able to sense ‐‐
and communicate ‐‐

subtle shifts
in their environment.

Bears warn each other

about which bushes
carry poisonous berries.

Birds scout and report
on the movements of predators.

And this monkey posts web videos

about how the earth is flat.

And in the snowdrifts
of North America,

the red fox has found a new

and not always welcome
source of information.

♪♪

Announcer: And now she's fair.
She's balanced.

She's a fox,
and she hears news.

Fox:
Alexa, read today's top story.

[ Ding ]
Alexa: The 2024
presidential election

is on the horizon,
with candidates holding rallies

around all 50 states ‐‐

Fox: No! We just did this!

Please give poor Steve Kornacki
a break!

I can't look at his khakis
one more time!

Announcer:
This has been "Fox Hears News."

♪♪

Bear: Okay, I am doing it.

I am crossing the river,
and I am going to the party.

Everyone is probably
expecting me.

Oh, never mind.
I should stay home.

I don't really want to go.

And besides,
everyone's gonna ask me

how my novel's going,
and then I have to tell them

I haven't even started
writing it yet.

And then they're gonna
be really nice about it

and say, "That's fine!
Good art takes time."

But somehow, them being nice
will make me even more anxious.

Ohh, like,
are they being sincere?

Ugh. They're probably
not expecting me anyway.

I bet they sent the invitation
as a mistake or a joke.

Uh, okay, okay,
I'll just go for 15 minutes.

But no, is that ‐‐
is that weirder

than not showing up at all?

Ugh! It's not that I don't like
these bears. I do, sort of.

It's just that I don't like
to...do things. In general.

I could tell them
I wanted to go,

but I had an unexpected...river.

Uh, no, I could tell them
that I'm sick.

Or dead. Yeah, that's good.

"Sorry. I can't make it.
I'm dead.

Let's hang out soon,
though, for real."

[ Crunch ]
Oh, whoops, rolled my ankle.

Oh, I think I may have
actually hurt myself!

Ooh, this is perfect.

"Sorry, guys, can't make it.
Broke my ankle.

Pretty sure it's infected."

Yeah, things are finally
looking up for me.

I can't even feel my foot now.
Today really is my lucky day!

♪♪

Mirren: Animals,
so in touch with nature,

exist in a freer, more liberated
state than humans.

Our wild cousins
have lax grooming standards,

chew with their mouths open,

and, well ‐‐
well, I'll just say it ‐‐

They often have sex outdoors.

But what happens when an animal
resists its own primal instincts

and attempts to forge
a new path?

We shall see
with these mosquitos

in the jungles of Bolivia.

Larva: Man, being a mosquito
larva is pretty great!

But I can't wait
to get to the surface.

I'm gonna bite so many ankles,

arms, legs,
the back of the knee.

It's gonna be amazing.

Larva #2: Same here.
First thing I'm gonna do
when I get above‐water ‐‐

I'm gonna fly
straight to a barbecue,

bite as much exposed human skin
as I can find.

How about you, Eddie?

Eddie: What if ‐‐ What if
I don't want to do any of that?

Uh ‐‐
What do you mean, man?

What if I want to
be...good?

What if I want to do...
good stuff with my life?

[ Laughs ]
Yeah, we're mosquitos, Eddie.

We don't do good stuff.
We bite people.

That's our whole thing.

[ Insects chirping ]

Larva: I'm so stoked.

As soon as we're out
of this water, we're adults.

I'm gonna fly right through
somebody's open bedroom window

in the middle of the night
and bite their whole face.

Then I might even bite 'em
in the most painful spot ‐‐

the top of the foot.

Why does it have to
be like this?

Aw, come on, Eddie.
Not this again.

I swear to God.

I'm gonna do something
productive with my life.

Constructive.

Positive, even.
You're so naive.

The world is gonna
swat you down.

You know, maybe it will.

But at least I'll be able
to say I tried,

that I dared
to be different.

It's up to us
to change things.

You know, and I really believe
we can.

♪♪

Announcer: We're here tonight
to honor Eddie The Mosquito,

who has bitten
and sucked the blood

of more human beings than
any other mosquito in history.

In his four days as an adult,

he has caused painful,
itchy, swollen bumps

in over 100,000 people

at two different
outdoor music festivals.

Eddie, would you like
to say a few words?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Eddie:
You know, I used to think

I was going to change the world.
[ Laughter ]

But some animals are just born
to be jerks, baby!

Ha‐ha!
Mosquitoes rule! Suck it!

That's my catchphrase. And, yes,
I will be selling key chains

when we're done here tonight.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Thanks. Hey, thanks so much.

Wow. Four days. What a life.

♪♪

Mirren: From the jungles
of South America,

we travel around the globe

to check in again with a lonely
boar on the island of Honshu.

♪♪

Announcer: If you're
a swine of a certain age

looking for
that special someone,

come to the dating website
made just for you,

you lonely, elderly pig ‐‐

Old Boars Only.

Ebenezer: Hello, again.
It's me, Ebenezer.

No hits on my profile yet,
so I figured I'd try this again.

Me ‐‐ old boar,
looking for love.

Likes include ‐‐
rotten fruit and slow trots.

You ‐‐ another old boar.

And I'm not willing to shave,
so don't ask.

If anyone is seeing this,
even if it's platonic, text me.

Just want to make sure
this thing's working.

Old Boars Only.

And if you're
a senior‐aged bear,

you are on
the wrong dating website.

You want to try maybe
Old Hot Bears.

Uh, actually, you know what?

That is ‐‐ That is a different
website altoge‐‐

Just ‐‐ You know ‐‐
That's different. Never mind.

♪♪

Mirren: In the wild,

physical contact
has a variety of benefits ‐‐

to huddle for safety
on the sun‐baked savanna...

to hold offspring close
as they feed...

or to exchange
victorious chest bumps

after a particularly rousing
game of beer pong.

For these tufted capuchins
of Brazil,

physical contact
can have a more restorative

and intimate benefit.

George: Well, babe,
we're finally alone.

I think your family
is asleep.

It's just you, me,
and this comfy little branch.

Mary: Ohh! I like where
this is going, George!

Can I interest you
in a sensual massage?

‐Uh‐huh.
‐Here we go.

‐Okay.
‐There it is!

I'm biting your lip.
Mnh! I'm biting your lip.

Ah! [ Laughs ]

Oh, that's an interesting
technique, babe.

[ Growling ]
It's so, uh, i‐intimate?

Mah! Oh, George.

This body of yours
needs work.
Yeah, there we go.

Perhaps I should bring someone
else in here to help. Hmm?

Oh. That feels good.
Oh, uh, I actually thought

it was just
gonna be us two.

Ma! Uncle Lou! Wake up!
Get your butts in here!

Wait. Ma? Uncle Lou?

Aren't you lucky the Kirkpatrick
clan came to visit?

Uh, babe, I‐I don't think
Uncle Lou is necessary.

Uncle Lou: Uncle Lou
is always necessary.

Right on cue.
Hey, Uncle Lou.

Uh, Mary, I think your mom
is smelling my back.

Mom:
Oh, of course I am!

Who licks something
without sniffing it first?

Pretty much everyone but you.
I'm really not comfortable.

Uncle Lou: I'll fix that!
And now relax

and let Uncle Lou
dust those nuggets.

Whoa! What?!
[ expl*si*n ]

Announcer:
Kirkpatrick's Testicle Powder!

Soothing your business
has been our family business

since 1884!

Hey. Come on, guys.
You're getting a little close

to the, uh, nether re‐‐
Oh. Oh. That ‐‐

Okay.
That does feel nice.

♪♪

Once again, this is
"Fox Hears News."

Fox: Hey, Siri.
Forget current events.

Just...tell me
the weather forecast.

[ Ding ]

Siri:
Today will be mostly sunny

with a high of 73 degrees.

Oh!
Celsius.

With a 95% chance
of forest fires,

mudslides,
and lava tornadoes.

Fox:
Aaaaah! Turn it off!

♪♪

Announcer:
This has been "Fox Hears News."

Announcer: We're not sure
why she does this to herself.

This is "Fox Hears News."

Fox: Okay, Google.
Let's keep it light.

Read me entertainment
news headlines.

[ Ding ]

Alexa:
Elon Musk has been selected

to play every character
in Zack Snyder's reboot

of "The Avengers."

[ Fox screaming and sobbing ]

Announcer:
This has been "Fox Hears News."

♪♪

Mirren: The bond
between a mother and her young

is indelible...

forged in the trials
of childbirth

and fortified through years
of close co‐existence.

The pride of a mother
for her child

is evident in every species
on this planet.

Unless you're my producer
Jerry's mother.

Whew! Better luck next time,
Mrs. Jerry's Mom.

Jerry: Actually, I'll have you
know that Mommy loves me.

Mommy loves me very much.

Oh, uh, yeah. Great.
Great, Jerry. Yeah.

Yikes.

But there are times
when the relationship

between mother and child
is put to the test...

as with these
Magellanic penguins in Uruguay.

♪♪

Mom: You're five minutes
past curfew, young man!

Don't walk away from me!
Come here!

So, did you have a fun time

playing Settlers of Catan
with your friends?

Christopher: Yeah, I did. And
that is what I was doing, Mom.

You look drunk! Come here!
Let me smell your breath!

No, Mom!
You are being ridiculous!

[ Gasps ] Christopher Joseph!
Were you drinking?!

No!

"No"? [ Gasps ]
You're lying!

No, I am not.

We had LaCroixs and we played
Catan, I swear.
How could you?!

[ Sobbing ] Oh. I knew it.
I failed as a mother!

Wait.
Mom, are you drunk?

[ Sobbing ] No! I'm the one who
asks the questions around here!

Okay. Maybe a little.

Announcer:
Penguins who drink too much

are no laughing matter.

If you or a loved one
needs help,

we're here for you at...

Fresh Beginnings Malibu.

We don't allow alcohol
on the premises,

but somebody might offer you
black tar heroin.

♪♪

Mirren: We take our leave
of these troubled penguins

and discover that, even outside
of familial relationships,

finding a compatible partner
can be challenging.

And, yet, there are those
who still seek out a companion.

Like our old friend,
this lone Japanese wild boar.

Announcer: Old Boars Only
verifies age and species

to guarantee that its
dating pool is 100% old boars,

just like it says in the name.

Ebenezer:
So...still no bites.

I'm starting to think I might be
the only one on this app.

Maybe it's too specific.

Maybe they should
expand the demo.

Maybe "Old Boars
and Old Pigs Only" or something.

Maybe drop the age requirement.

Hell, drop
the species requirement.

Make it a love free‐for‐all!

Look, I'll date younger boars.

I just prefer someone
who gets my references.

If I have to explain
who the Doobie Brothers are

one more time...

Look, just maybe
send me a letter,

in the mail or something.

I'll be waiting.

Old Boars Only.

It'll happen to you someday.

Sorry. I didn't mean for that
to sound threatening.

I was just, you know ‐‐ I ‐‐

I'm trying to engender
some empathy.

Look.
This boar has money, okay?

He invested wisely.
He's lonely.

You'll ‐‐ You'll have
a good time. Get it?

Do you ‐‐ [ Sighs ]

I don't know why
I do voice‐overs.

I'm not good at them, am I?

♪♪

Mirren: The time has come
to take our leave

of this wondrous world.

In the past, wild animals
seemed so enigmatic to us,

cloaked in mystery,

their truth hidden
under years of folklore.

But now, with clear eyes,

we behold the real and true
kingdom of the animals.

And who knows ‐‐
maybe in the next episode,

we'll finally
get to see a Sasquatch!

Fingers crossed!

Yes, there is no telling what
fanciful discoveries await...

when nature calls.

[ Animals calling ]

Scared bat: Why?

Why did I let you talk me
into seeing a scary movie?

Evil bat: Relax.
It's gonna be fun.

Oh‐h*‐h*! Check it out!

The k*ller's closing in
on his next victim!

Here it comes!
Here it comes!

Oh, this is
gonna be gnarly!

Oh, God. Did he make it?
Did he make it?

Just tell me
when it's over, okay?

Come on, dude. It's just
a movie. Open your wings.

I can't take it!

Don't be such a baby.

I'm ‐‐ Ugh.
I'm gonna throw up.

Again?
Oh, man. He got away!

Classic horror‐movie
psych‐out!

[ Licking lips ]
Oh, that's a relief.

I can't stand violence.

Ooh. Can I have
some of that popcorn?

Oh, this isn't popcorn.

It's a mouse I k*lled earlier.
[ Chuckles ]

Announcer: We're not sure
why she does this to herself.

This is "Fox Hears News."

Fox: Okay, Google.
Let's keep it light.

Read me entertainment
news headlines.

[ Ding ]

Alexa:
Elon Musk has been selected

to play every character
in Zack Snyder's reboot

of "The Avengers."

[ Fox screaming and sobbing ]

Announcer:
This has been "Fox Hears News."

♪♪

Mirren: The bond
between a mother and her young

is indelible...

forged in the trials
of childbirth

and fortified through years
of close co‐existence.

The pride of a mother
for her child

is evident in every species
on this planet.

Unless you're my producer
Jerry's mother.

Whew! Better luck next time,
Mrs. Jerry's Mom.

Jerry: Actually, I'll have you
know that Mommy loves me.

Mommy loves me very much.

Oh, uh, yeah. Great.
Great, Jerry. Yeah.

Yikes.

But there are times
when the relationship

between mother and child
is put to the test...

as with these
Magellanic penguins in Uruguay.

♪♪

Mom: You're five minutes
past curfew, young man!

Don't walk away from me!
Come here!

So, did you have a fun time

playing Settlers of Catan
with your friends?

Christopher: Yeah, I did. And
that is what I was doing, Mom.

You look drunk! Come here!
Let me smell your breath!

No, Mom!
You are being ridiculous!

[ Gasps ] Christopher Joseph!
Were you drinking?!

No!

"No"? [ Gasps ]
You're lying!

No, I am not.

We had LaCroixs and we played
Catan, I swear.
How could you?!

[ Sobbing ] Oh. I knew it.
I failed as a mother!

Wait.
Mom, are you drunk?

[ Sobbing ] No! I'm the one who
asks the questions around here!

Okay. Maybe a little.

Announcer:
Penguins who drink too much

are no laughing matter.

If you or a loved one
needs help,

we're here for you at...

Fresh Beginnings Malibu.

We don't allow alcohol
on the premises,

but somebody might offer you
black tar heroin.

♪♪

Mirren: We take our leave
of these troubled penguins

and discover that, even outside
of familial relationships,

finding a compatible partner
can be challenging.

And, yet, there are those
who still seek out a companion.

Like our old friend,
this lone Japanese wild boar.

Announcer: Old Boars Only
verifies age and species

to guarantee that its
dating pool is 100% old boars,

just like it says in the name.

Ebenezer:
So...still no bites.

I'm starting to think I might be
the only one on this app.

Maybe it's too specific.

Maybe they should
expand the demo.

Maybe "Old Boars
and Old Pigs Only" or something.

Maybe drop the age requirement.

Hell, drop
the species requirement.

Make it a love free‐for‐all!

Look, I'll date younger boars.

I just prefer someone
who gets my references.

If I have to explain
who the Doobie Brothers are

one more time...

Look, just maybe
send me a letter,

in the mail or something.

I'll be waiting.

Old Boars Only.

It'll happen to you someday.

Sorry. I didn't mean for that
to sound threatening.

I was just, you know ‐‐ I ‐‐

I'm trying to engender
some empathy.

Look.
This boar has money, okay?

He invested wisely.
He's lonely.

You'll ‐‐ You'll have
a good time. Get it?

Do you ‐‐ [ Sighs ]

I don't know why
I do voice‐overs.

I'm not good at them, am I?

♪♪

Mirren: The time has come
to take our leave

of this wondrous world.

In the past, wild animals
seemed so enigmatic to us,

cloaked in mystery,

their truth hidden
under years of folklore.

But now, with clear eyes,

we behold the real and true
kingdom of the animals.

And who knows ‐‐
maybe in the next episode,

we'll finally
get to see a Sasquatch!

Fingers crossed!

Yes, there is no telling what
fanciful discoveries await...

when nature calls.

[ Animals calling ]

Scared bat: Why?

Why did I let you talk me
into seeing a scary movie?

Evil bat: Relax.
It's gonna be fun.

Oh‐h*‐h*! Check it out!

The k*ller's closing in
on his next victim!

Here it comes!
Here it comes!

Oh, this is
gonna be gnarly!

Oh, God. Did he make it?
Did he make it?

Just tell me
when it's over, okay?

Come on, dude. It's just
a movie. Open your wings.

I can't take it!

Don't be such a baby.

I'm ‐‐ Ugh.
I'm gonna throw up.

Again?
Oh, man. He got away!

Classic horror‐movie
psych‐out!

[ Licking lips ]
Oh, that's a relief.

I can't stand violence.

Ooh. Can I have
some of that popcorn?

Oh, this isn't popcorn.

It's a mouse I k*lled earlier.
[ Chuckles ]