02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

(MARY SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

(BEEPING)

Also, Buckingham Palace

have been in touch

to ask if we can have another look

at their firewall

because the Queen is still receiving

pop ups for erectile dysfunction.

I once took one of those tablets

by mistake.

Did it work?

Yes.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, are they are all yours?

No, a lot of these are

international arrest warrants.

I just didn't want to miss anything.

Anything in there

with my name on it?

Why? What did you do?

Oh, God, no, nothing.

I think it's just me and Charlotte

from GCHQ Bude

have had a lot of email

back and forth recently.

Is that the tall girl

with mad cow disease?

No, who's that?

Morning, everyone.

Oh, sh*t. Did someone die?

Yes. About 80 million people.

This week we're celebrating 76 years

since the end of World w*r II.

By dressing as Hitler

and his dentist.

Wait, I have to wear this

for a whole week?

Yes.

This is a Women's Auxiliary

Air Force pilot's uniform.

Used to belong to your

great-grandmother.

Wow. So your grandmother could fly?

Yes. Does that surprise you?

No. I just didn't know women were

allowed to fly planes back then.

I'd worry about how safe that was.

Lots of kamikaze pilots were women.

Exactly. Because they're

the best at crashing.

Also, I was very pleased to see

that last week's Hinkley Point

success featured heavily on

page three of The Telegraph.

Why wasn't I asked to pose for that?

It's not that sort of paper.

What they didn't report is that

despite GCHQ regaining full control

of Eternal Blue, a hybrid weapon

is already being rebuilt

by the Russians with the capacity

to disrupt air traffic control

services across the globe.

Gosh.

That's exactly what happens

in Die Hard 2.

Did they even mention me by name

in the article or?

No. Here at GCHQ we prefer

individuals to remain anonymous.

Well, it's certainly working.

By the way, who are you talking to

at the NSA about this?

Aled Jones.

The Snowman?

Well, if you want Jonesy and me

to put our heads together,

I'm sure we can locate these guys.

Besides, I'd love to take a crack

at saving the whole world,

not just this this little island.

Well, we can discuss that

with Rupert later.

But personally, I feel your ego

may prove to be too much

of a distraction.

Oh, come on, Chris.

Give me a little credit.

It's not always going to be about

Oh, my God, are those for me?

Yeah, they've just arrived.

Wow.

What?

(SNIFFS) Oh, my

This is so embarrassing.

Thank you so much.

They're not from me.

No, but still, I mean,

it's just so sweet of you

to give me these flowers.

They're not from me.

No, I know.

But the way you handed them to me

was just so sweet.

Can I go?

Yeah.

I don't even remember your name.

Wow.

Oh, these are incredible.

Thank you.

Look, a card.

Did I not even get

like an arrest warrant?

I'm so sorry, buddy.

"To Jerry, mwah.

"Love question mark."

I just want to say, if the person

who got me these

happens to be in this room,

from the bottom of my heart

..thank you.

Surely you're not serious.

Yeah?

Hey.

Hey, what's up? I'm busy.

Oh, not much. Ooh.

I'm just a little bit lonely

and bored.

Do you mind if I sniff your flowers?

No, knock yourself out.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(EXHALES)

(INHALES REPEATEDLY)

(INHALES REPEATEDLY)

You know these weren't from me?

Mm.

Yeah, I just didn't know if you were

expecting a Valentine's gift

just because we used

to be married.

No, and listen, I'd rather you didn't

keep using that phrase,

"used to be married."

Because it kind of makes it sound

like it was for real, OK?

Right.

What would you prefer I use, then?

Sort of "recently separated"?

Again, I just don't

Widows? I'd be up for that.

How about you don't refer to it

ever again?

OK, I'll try.

OK.

You know, I'm a bit curious

as to who they're from.

Ah, yeah. I'm kind of busy protecting

all mankind right now, so

(GROANS)

I guess I was just secretly

hoping that, you know,

you wouldn't get anything either and

then we could be lonely together.

You know what I mean?

Oh, my God. I almost forgot.

Look what just arrived from for

you in the internal mail system.

Oh, my God!

I know. Go open it.

Oh, my God. Is this from you?

Are you kidding?

You think I would get you a

Valentine's Day card out of pity?

I wouldn't hold it against you.

No, I'm not that nice.

Swear on your life.

I swear on your life, buddy.

Oh, my gawd.

"Hey, sexy, comma.

"Stay amazing, kiss."

Full stop.

Look.

Do you think it's from Charlotte,

maybe?

Could be.

But actually we've never met.

So?

Also, she's not really had

the full experience.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah. Still, it's possible.

Maybe I'll just text her and ask.

No, don't No, don't do that.

No?

Mmm, no.

Because what what what if it isn't?

Right?

And, if it is, you don't want

her knowing that you know.

Maybe I'll just get handwriting

analysis done.

No. What? Where?

Here. Just downstairs.

No, absolutely not.

Do not do that.

OK, listen, buddy, right now,

that card could be from anyone.

It's almost more fun

not knowing who it's from.

What's your wildest fantasy?

Meeting someone who could fly.

No. I mean, if that card could be

from anyone in the world,

who would you want it to be from?

I guess it'd be a toss up between

David Attenborough

and Princess Jasmine from Aladdin.

The live action or

The cartoon.

The cartoon.

Yeah.

There you go.

Hey.

You alright?

Yeah, I have a handwriting sample

that needs analysing.

I was told you were

the best person to ask.

Case number?

Right, yeah, it hasn't actually

been assigned a number yet.

Why not?

It's gonna sound really weird,

but I think they've just run out.

They've run out of numbers?

Well, no, not run out.

I think they've just used them

all up on other cases.

I don't know if you've ever

had that happen before.

Who was the supervising officer

on the case?

I can search via Scorpio.

Right. Yes.

Gosh, I'm so bad with names.

And there are so many now,

aren't there?

There's only four.

Only four. Oh.

Seemed like Well, um

I'm guessing

Male, male.

White?

Yeah, probably. I mean

Or not, or not. I mean, you know,

they could have been

more like like

Or, you know, or the colour

of this folder.

Well, there are no blue

supervising officers.

And I think that is so bad nowadays.

Are you taking the piss?

Oh, God, no. No.

I'm just, you know,

I'm on your side, obviously.

What side's that, then?

I'm like you, aren't I?

You're a black woman?

Well, no, not quite.

But I'm half

You're half a black woman?

I'm just a complete mix.

Of black and a blue?

Black and white.

Oh, so you're grey.

So I have a handwriting sample

that needs analysing.

Oh, God.

Please don't tell me

those are for me.

(LAUGHS) No, of course not.

These are mine.

You've got another bunch of flowers?

No, this is the same bunch.

I just didn't want to leave them

lying around.

It's just not safe.

This is one of the safest buildings

on the planet.

I just don't want anyone

tripping over them

and risk hurting the arrangement.

Do you mind if we have a word

in private?

Evelyn?

But I only just sat down!

You've been sitting down all day.

Yeah, but not like this.

Please!

(SIGHS)

Thank you.

Can I just say,

for the first six months,

I had no idea you two were

mother and daughter.

Well, I try not to make too much

of a song and dance about it.

No, I completely get it.

I'd be the same

if I were your daughter.

What can I do for you?

Well, given I saved Britain

last week, you're welcome.

Did Jonesy mention anything

about the NSA

dropping the case against me?

You know, that whole

election fraud thing?

I thought you liked it here?

Oh, no, don't get me wrong.

I love it here.

And I adore your outfit.

I'm just thinking hypothetically,

if I managed to track down

these Russian dudes,

surely that would paint me

in a better light.

Right?

We'll just have to wait and see.

Any news about who might have leaked

the NSA intel in the first place?

No, but I've been professionally

interrogating people

since I was nine.

Mary, I swear to God,

this is your last chance.

Are you working for the Russians?

No!

Right. That's it.

I want to waterboard her.

Mary, get up here.

Tuva, are you recording all this?

Oh, f*ck, yeah.

No. Mary, turn around.

You gotta face me.

This isn't an enema.

This is serious.

Now, lie down flat.

No, face up. Mary, flip over!

Joseph, you know what? Yeah.

Hold her down.

Now, who has a towel?

OK, so, the options are

a lovely little bunny rabbit one,

um, one from a local school

or just a plain gingham one

but I don't know if it's clean.

Give me that.

Do you want to see the rabbit?

Shut up!

OK, Mary, where's your mouth?

Uh, in here

OK, do we have any water?

I got some Sprite you can use.

No, I don't think it'll work

with Sprite.

It blows me up.

Shut up, Mary.

Is there water in the flowers?

Do not touch the flower!

My God.

So where do you want this?

OK, you know what, get up here.

Oh, my God.

Alright, you wanna position it

over her mouth.

Yeah.

OK? OK.

What the f*ck are you doing?!

I'm so sorry, Jerry,

it's just really difficult

trying to keep it upright?

You're supposed to get on her!

I'm being serious, Mary.

(WHIMPERS)

This is your last chance.

OK.

And I'm aiming for the mouth, yeah?

Just pour it on the rabbit.

Here we go.

What?! Are you kidding?!

So sorry, Jerry? I'm sorry.

Goddammit!

That's not clean.

What? God Alright. You know what?

I'm gonna OK. Are you good?

You're good?

Yeah.

Go for it.

Wait, let me just adjust

God! Are you kidding?

Jerry, I'm so sorry.

What's going on?

Oh, hey, Chris.

I was just teaching the g*ng

interrogation techniques

in case we find a mole.

But Mary IS a mole.

What?!

Sorry.

OK, I'm sure you've all got

lots of questions.

Chris, you got to let me handle this.

Absolutely not. Sit down.

I just need you all to listen.

It's true.

For a few weeks now, Mary's position

here has been compromised.

sonofab*tch!

(GASPS)

But only because her mother

has been captured

by the Russian mob responsible

for last week's attack

and who have been blackmailing Mary

for inside intel.

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.

I thought your mum passed away.

So did I.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

I'm ever so sorry,

your mother's, um

(g*n c*ck)

..passed away.

(WHIMPERS)

So your mom's still alive?

Yes!

But now they keep threatening

to send one of her fingers

through the post.

Why? What's wrong with her fingers?

Fortunately

Fortunately, Mary had the foresight

to buy us some time

by sending the Russians

a lot of false leads.

So Mary is now a double agent.

Technically, she's a triple agent.

That's right.

So we think she's working for us,

the Russians think

she's working for them,

but really she's working

for someone else.

No, she's just working for us.

Right. Good.

How's that different

from what she was doing before?

Because the Russians believe

she's now working for them.

There are just two things, isn't it?

Listen, all you need to know

is that we are keeping Mary's cover

a secret

so that we can continue to feed

the Russians false intel

and in doing so, hopefully prevent

a future Eternal Blue attack.

Plus, I must admit, it's quite nice

for me and Quentin

to have a bit of space from Mum too.

Oh, so you and Quentin still

Yes.

Every night.

Yeah, baby.

What stage you at?

Please don't

..answer that.

Is that?

(MOUTHS)

(MAN SHOUTS ORDERS ON GAME)

Nice shot, soldier!

Targets located!

Cover me!

Take that!

Get down!

Take cover.

Reloading.

You f*cking kidding me?

(GAME BEEPS)

COMPUTER: Game over.

f*ck.

Tuva, I just wanna say

They weren't from me.

No, sure.

I'm just double-checking

with everyone I've ever, you know

Disappointed?

So do you get paid more

for being a triple agent?

No.

Um, but I am trying to negotiate

more holiday.

Oh, right. And the Russians

are alright with that?

No, they were very angry.

You know, I had a friend

who started off as a triple agent

but then went on to become

a octuple agent almost overnight.

So who did that mean

they were working for in the end?

Well, they thought

that we thought

that they thought

that we thought

that they thought

that that that we

..that

You know, I got to get some water

for these.

Hey, how's it going?

So do you wanna go out for a drink

tonight, then, or what?

I mean, that's not why I came

to see you, but, yeah, I'm down.

I'll call you back.

Uh, Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

It's Honey, right?

So I just wanted to warn you

about this guy I'm working with.

You might have seen him

scampering around.

He's a tiny little guy,

kind of like a cinnamon Santa.

I mean, in terms of disposition,

not

Anyway, I was just wondering

how this works.

If he came to you

with a sample of handwriting,

how quickly would you be able

to work out that it was mine?

So you're telling me it's yours?

No. No.

I'm just saying that as an example.

But would it help if I provided you

with a sample of my handwriting first

just to rule me out?

Not if I already know it's yours.

No.

Sure.

But ignoring that,

I wish I'd never said it.

How can I help you avoid coming up

with a false conclusion?

I'd need to know a bit more info

on your background

and see a sample

of your handwriting.

Absolutely. That's what I thought.

I'm so sorry I'm late. Couldn't fit

in the elevator. (CHUCKLES)

Jerry, just wanted

to congratulate you

on the Hinkley Point success

last week. Great work.

Thanks, Rupert. I can't believe

we've never met in the flesh.

I have been in theatre

these past few weeks.

Oh, great. What show?

No, uh

I was in a pony riding accident.

Well, either way,

I'm sure it was fantastic.

(CHUCKLES)

Who's the lucky lady or fella?

Yeah, right. (SCOFFS)

Right. I mean

I mean right. Right. Right on!

I'm actually in touch with thousands

of women, so who knows?

It could be from any or all of them.

Just like a Tomb of the Unknown

Soldier.

I don't really understand

the reference, but yes, absolutely.

Thank you.

Um hi, Jerry.

Do you mind if I have a quick

We're busy. What is it?

Oh, you know, it's it's fine.

I didn't know that you

Don't be silly.

We're all equals here.

You know, I really should

Come on.

Only only if you're sure.

Of course.

We even get paid the same.

Seriously?

No! (CHUCKLES)

I'm on a lot more.

What do you want?

Oh, um

What do I want?

Well, I, um

I-I had some handwriting analysis

done

on the Valentine's Day card

that I received.

What?

Sorry, let me get this straight.

You've been using GCHQ resources

funded by the UK taxpayer

to find out who sent you

a Valentine's Day card?

In my defence, that is exactly

why I didn't want to say

in front of you or y

And?

Oh, well

Nah, that that's not important.

Um, shall we continue

with our high-profile meeting.

Hang on. You were saying.

Well, actually, it turned out

No (YELLS)

Oh, my God, what's wrong?

Ow! Ooh!

Jerry, what's wrong?

Ooh.

What's wrong?

Joseph, could you go?

Could you go?

Could you go?

Oh, for heaven's sake, Jerry!

OK, look,

I just did it to cheer him up.

It doesn't mean anything.

What do you mean?

So it WAS from you?

Why?

They used to be married.

Oh?

Isn't that what the handwriting

analysis showed?

No, I was about to say the results

were inconclusive.

Oh, sorry. That's

No, that's what I meant.

I mean, it could have been

from anyone. Who?

It could have been Chris,

could have been Rupert.

Well, I've never met him before,

but

But you swore on my life

that it wasn't from you.

Don't worry about it, buddy. Doesn't

mean you're actually gonna die.

I'm sorry about this.

No, this is fun.

I thought you'd be pleased.

Yeah!

Only because you told me

it definitely was from you.

Oh, thank you very much.

What else was I meant to believe,

Jerry?

I dunno. Maybe that your mother

sent it out of sympathy.

She died 20 years ago.

Maybe she post-dated it.

Look, I'll make it up to you, OK?

I'll take you out to dinner,

somewhere real fancy.

You'll take me out for dinner

on Valentine's Day?

Well, no, obviously not tonight.

I've got plans.

I don't.

But you'll take me out

at some point, right?

Yes, but not because I sent you

a Valentine's Day card.

But you did send me a Valentine

Because I wanted you to feel special.

I'll feel special

when you take me out for dinner.

Why don't you take him out now?!

This meeting is over.

Have you been wearing that

all this time?

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Joseph.

Yes.

It pains me to have to say this

but I'm seriously starting to call

into question

your position here at GCHQ.

Do you understand?

Yes. Yeah, absolut

Listen, I just wanted

to let you know I'm well aware

that we keep having these kind

of conversations every week now,

but I-I promise you,

it won't happen again.

It better not.

At least Valentine's Day

is only once a year.

This is your final warning.

Do you hear?

Yeah.

Handwriting analysis!

I mean, who else

did you think it was from?

Princess Jasmine?

(CARTOON MUSIC ON TV)

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Hi, Ma.

Hi, sweetie.

Happy Valentine's Day.

You too.

Did you get my flowers?

SONG: Hooray, hooray, hooray

Misery's on the way

There are bad times

just around the corner

There are dark clouds

hurtling through the sky

It's as clear as crystal

From Bridlington to Bristol

That we can't save democracy

and we don't much care

We'd better all learn the lyrics

of the old Red Flag

And wait

until we drop down dead.