02x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

(COMPUTER BLEEPS)

OK, what have we got?

Jerry, what's the latest

on Eternal Blue?

I need to update Whitehall.

Well, I'm still analysing the code

to see if I could get a fix

on exactly where the Russians

are operating from.

I may need to call Zuckerberg.

Mark Zuckerberg? Why?

We're old friends.

Facebook friends?

How's Zuckerberg going to help?

f*ck if I know.

Gosh, I am so sorry that I'm late.

I had a bit of an accident, so

How's your mum, by the way?

She's still dead, sadly, Chris.

I'm talking to Mary.

Have you started to miss her yet?

Well, I was going through

her old drawers back home,

and I did find a DNR form,

which is a bit sad.

Why? What's that?

It means do not resuscitate.

Well, perhaps she's just

thinking of the future

and doesn't want to be a burden.

No. This form had MY name on it.

What was the name

of that form again?

(MOUTHS)

(MOUTHS)

Come over here, quickly.

Alright, I'm coming, I'm coming.

They activate my psoriasis. Sorry.

Oh, we've also had a question

from Disney regarding their new

streaming service.

Oh, sweet!

Will I be able to watch it

from my office?

Some of their customers have been

subject to a data protection breach.

So yes?

(COMPUTER BLEEPS)

Oh! And

Just come in from analytics at GCHQ

Bude, they may have captured

a signal matching Eternal Blue's

digital fingerprint.

Well, great!

Can they send it over?

I should think that's unlikely.

Why? With that data,

I could immediately locate

where the Russians are operating

from, and end this thing.

Do they not understand how awesome

that would make me look?

Exactly. Bude might want to claim

that victory as their own.

Which reminds me, the board

have expressed concern

that any romantic relationships

between our sister organisations

are to be actively discouraged,

as they may prove a security risk.

I hope that's not going

to be a problem for anyone.

Does anyone have a knife?

There you go.

(SINGS ALONG) See the line where

the sky meets the sea, it calls me

And no one knows

(KNOCKS)

How far Hey.

Hey, Jerry, you got a minute?

Well Uh (HITS KEYBOARD)

(SONG KEEPS PLAYING)

(SONG STOPS)

Hey. (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry, man.

I was looking into

that whole Disney thing.

Yeah.

Uh

So what's going on?

Did you get the location data?

No, it's more pressing than that.

I've got a date tonight.

What? With who?

OK, but here's the thing.

She's bald?

No.

She's blind.

No.

Rabies?

No, Jerry, it's about me.

You've got rabies?

No, Jerry.

So, I'm

I'm still a virgin.

Well, yeah. I mean,

I kind of figured that.

Oh, no, is it obvious?

No. Mm-mm.

Listen, bud, I'm so sorry.

I'm just I'm just super busy.

(SONG RESTARTS)

Oh. Ahh! (HITS KEYBOARD)

Argh!

(SONG CONTINUES) If I go

There's just no telling how

far (SONG CUTS OFF ABRUPTLY)

It's pretty good, though, isn't it?

What, Moana?

Oh, my God.

The Rock is, like, on fire!

No, that I finally got a date.

Yes. No, that's great, buddy.

Yeah.

Oh, one final thing,

just off the back of what Chris said,

is that it's Charlotte

from GCHQ Bude.

So

I As in she's on the team

that captured

Eternal Blue's digital fingerprint?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, then, this sounds like

a perfect opportunity.

For me?

Yes.

That's what yes,

that's what I For you.

Evelyn.

Oh!

What?

OK, this is going to sound strange,

but what if you wore an earpiece

and I told you what to say?

Would I need to get them pierced?

No. See, I just think we could both

get so much out of this date.

You know?

I don't What?

What do you mean 'both'?

Nothing makes me happier

than playing Cupid.

Oh.

And I just really want to see

you score with Scarlett.

Charlotte.

Margaret. Right.

Have you ever seen the movie

Roxanne?

With Steve Martin?

Yeah.

I just It looked too scary for me.

Oh? It's a comedy.

Well, it's about this guy

with a big nose, right?

Yeah.

Who has the hots for this girl.

But the problem is she's into

this much, MUCH better-looking guy.

Right. How is this helpful?

OK, so I don't really remember

the rest of it,

but basically they do

what I'm proposing we do.

And in the end, the guy

with the nose, he gets the girl.

The guy with the nose.

Right.

While his buddy gets

the intel he needs.

Right.

Yeah.

And then I think you die.

Oh.

Yeah.

Hmm.

And so apart from the nose,

is there anything else I can do

with my appearance to help?

Stand up.

All the way.

This is as far as I go.

Sorry. Um

OK, so right off the bat, I think

you should wear something

with vertical stripes.

Because that shirt makes you look

even, like, more

..than you are.

You know what? Come over here.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Right there.

OK, I want you to close your eyes.

Close your eyes and imagine yourself

three feet taller.

Your legs are growing longer.

You can now reach a doorknob, OK?

Now open your eyes.

Oh, my God.

Right?

Yeah.

Right?

(LAUGHS) Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, see, it's all about

positioning yourself

to create the illusion of tallness.

Well, that's actually how they shot a

lot of The Lord of the Rings.

Exactly. Yeah.

Feel it out. Walk around.

Try a doorknob.

So easy.

So easy.

Yeah.

OK, so Joseph has a hot date tonight

and we're trying to figure out ways

to make him more attractive.

Want to borrow my jacket?

Oh, well, I used

to have a lucky top

but I stopped wearing it because

it was attracting wasps.

Lucky how? I thought you said

you've never been laid.

That's so hot.

Listen, I know this might sound

like a stupid question,

and I hope you don't mind me asking,

but just in case it comes up,

where exactly is it?

TUVA AND JERRY: The vag*na.

Jinx!

You owe me a root beer.

Yeah, I mean, just a rough ballpark.

Well, it can vary.

TUVA AND JERRY: Can it?

Oh! Drinks again?

Tuva, that's two.

Some days I find mine can be

quite high up.

Right. I'm not sure

how helpful that is.

You want me to do a drawing?

Yes, please.

So did you never see your mum's?

Not really.

I mean, she died like 20 years ago.

And you never saw it

before she died?

Not just before, no.

Here you go.

It's a lot bigger than I thought.

It's not to scale.

Alright. What's that?

That's the urethra.

That's where pee comes out, buddy.

You don't have to worry about that.

Right.

But, Tuva, I think you got

a lot of this wrong.

What's that little thing

up there, for instance?

Yeah, that explains a lot.

You know, I just think you got to

keep things as simple as possible

for Joseph.

And there's no danger of me,

you know,

accidentally ending up

inside the urethra, say?

It's about eight millimetres wide.

No, I'm good.

What's going on?

Oh, um, nothing.

Just something suddenly popped up

in Joseph's inbox

and we're just trying to fix it.

Hardware or software?

Oh, hardware, with any luck.

Well, so long as it isn't a virus.

Oh, no, no, no.

Joseph's equipment is totally clean.

Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah.

It's Mary's we have to worry about.

Oh, gosh. Really?

Maybe get someone to take

a look at it, in that case.

We don't want you infecting

the whole department.

Maybe Quentin.

Do you know

what we're talking about?

Yes.

Computers.

(KNOCKS) Hey. How's it going?

Good. Come on in.

I just want to test the earpiece.

Have you ever worn

one of these before?

No. I did once get a marble

stuck in my ear.

Did you ever get it out?

No, don't think so.

OK. So, you want to you want to

take this one here

and put it in your other ear.

By the way, it's very kind of you

to go to all this trouble, Jerry,

for a first date.

Oh, don't be silly. I'm just trying

to help you out, buddy.

How does that feel?

You say something?

Yeah, OK, so put it back in

and then I want you to go out there

so I can test the range.

OK?

Get out so I can test the range.

Yeah. Sorry. Now?

Yeah.

Now.

Yeah.

Can you hear me?

Yeah. It's kind of like

I've gone mad. (CHUCKLES)

OK. Don't say anything out loud.

Just just wave if you can hear me.

Hey.

Does it work both ways, then?

If I say something out loud,

can you hear me as well?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Joseph, my office.

(WHISPERS) What do you want me to do?

No, go for it.

This will be a good test.

Are you OK?

Oh, no Uh Yeah.

You got this, buddy. Come on.

If I were to go on Scorpio

and see how much analysis

you've completed this morning,

would I be pleased or disappointed?

Say anything but the truth.

I think pleased.

For a bit.

But then growing

more and more disappointed

as you realise just how much time

I'd also spent on Moonpig.

Jesus.

I've honestly run out

of things to say.

That makes a change.

That makes a change.

No.

Excuse me?

Sorry. Nothing.

This really is your final warning.

I mean it.

No more second chances.

No more "Oh, but Jerry told me

to do this,"

or "Jerry told me to do that."

Wait a minute.

Can she see the earpiece?

No.

I give up.

Turn your head away just in case.

No, the the other way.

No, your other To the right.

No, actually, turn

Go back. Turn around.

Just get out.

Turn around again. Go back. Go back.

You know what?

Get out of there.

Just get out of there.

Get out!

Yeah. This is going to work great.

OK, let me see what you're wearing.

What do you think?

Did you choose that fabric yourself?

No. Do you think I should pretend

that I did?

Definitely not.

OK.

But the stripes help, though, right?

Yeah, absolutely.

You look like

a well-dressed barcode.

Oh.

Yeah.

So, here, take one of these.

OK.

OK, I'm going to give you

a quick spray.

Right.

What are you doing?

Close your mouth. It's cologne.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah. Women love this sh*t.

Is that what it is?

Alright.

You're good to go.

OK.

And can you hear me OK?

Yeah. Got one in my wallet.

That's good.

(CRACKING)

Ooh. Whoops.

There we go.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hi.

I've got a reservation.

It's Joseph Harries.

Is she

Yeah, she's she's just over there.

Oh, great. OK. Thanks.

OK, so I might throw in

the odd question about her work

to keep it light,

but just go with it, OK?

Don't question anything.

Sure.

Hey. Charlotte. You look lovely.

Who are you?

Joseph.

I'm kidding.

Oh, God.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

Oh.

Can I sit down?

Yeah.

Sorry I'm a little bit late.

I was trying to find

something nice to wear.

Did you not find anything?

(LAUGHS)

Did you not find anything?

Oh. No.

Um, just because I heard

that it's better for eye contact,

you wouldn't prefer a slightly

smaller seat, would you?

What, like a Charleston?

I could see if there's a high chair.

I can see you fine.

You know

You don't have like

a booster seat, do you?

Not for adults, no.

OK. Can I get another menu

in that case?

Won't be thick enough.

Can I get some more bread?

OK, so why don't you start

by asking her about work?

See see what she's working on

at the moment.

Eternal Blue,

that that kind of thing.

So what are you working on

at the moment?

Anything exciting?

Or?

You got a six-pack?

Who Who, me?

Uh, yeah. Yes.

I mean, you can't see it.

Because of the stripes.

Oh, no.

I just meant in general,

you can't really see it.

But if you push hard enough,

you can feel roughly

where it's meant to be.

Just ask her about work again.

So, I mean, what are you working on?

Alright. What can I get you?

Can I have some more bread, please?

I'd rather you just order.

We're very busy tonight.

OK, you know what?

You have to really impress her

with what you eat.

So recommend a dish

you've tried here before, OK?

Charlotte, that's

that's really nice.

I had the last time I was here.

Apple juice?

What

Yeah, it's just mind-blowing.

Would you like an apple juice?

Could you come to me last, please?

How big are your meatballs?

Tiny. But you get three.

OK, I've got the menu up here.

Uh, just order what I tell you.

I don't like mushrooms.

What was that?

What was that?

Um, uh, nothing.

I was just reminding myself

that I really don't like

(STATIC HUMS)

OK, tell them you start

with the mushroom bruschetta.

Can I start with

the mushroom bruschetta, please?

You trying to impress me?

I just fancied a bit

of a challenge. That's all.

Is it an allergy?

Yeah, it's quite serious.

No, no, don't say that.

It'll make you look weak.

But it's fine. It's fine.

I've got my EpiPen with me.

You know CPR right?

Ah. And for main?

Um

The main? Uh, the lobster bisque.

Say again?

And for main?

The lobster bisque.

The lobster bits.

The what?

Bis-KUH.

Thank you.

Alright. And for you, madam?

Can I get the mozzarella carottes,

the parmigiana, the salmon,

a salad,

some more bread, please.

And a bottle of red wine.

Oh, do you want red wine?

Oh, I'd love red wine.

Two bottles of red wine, please.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

Oh

Yeah.

Give me the menu. Thanks.

OK, so let's shift the conversation

onto I don't know

..how much she knows about

the intel they captured

on Eternal Blue today.

Oh, sh*t.

What's wrong?

You need the toilet?

Do you need the toilet?

No.

It's just the lady who cleans

the offices just walked in.

Who, Uma?

So?

OK.

Just say it's awkward

because you used to bang.

Just a little bit awkward that

Hey.

..my boss is trying to clamp down

on cross-divisional relationships

and what with you working as GCHQ

Bude and me working at Cheltenham,

I just don't want

Don't worry about it. I used to do

improv at uni. It'll be fine.

Oh, here we go.

Hi.

Hey.

Thank you. Thank you.

Much, much better now.

Good.

So, yeah. You alright?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Good.

So this is

Sorry. His sister.

What?

Yeah, this is my

This is my sister.

Huh?

No.

No, no.

100% full sister.

Right. You'd never be able to tell.

(LAUGHS)

No. No, a few people have said that.

I think just because obviously

you know,

you're quite that much lighter.

Yeah.

Um

It's just 'cause, um

..I'm just very very frightened.

Yeah. Because she's just always

so frightened.

Right.

Well, have a good night.

Thank you. Take care. Bye.

See? (LAUGHS)

Very good. Very impressive.

(BOTH TALK INDISTINCTLY)

OK, listen, you're not getting

anywhere with this chick, OK?

You need to ask her more about work.

What's it like working at GCHQ Bude?

Have you

I love it.

I mostly just deal with

sex trafficking,

but I can do a lot of that

from the beach, so

Right.

What about you?

Well, gosh, we moved to Cheltenham

shortly after my mum died.

No kidding! Mine too.

How old?

What, her or me?

No, how old were you?

Me too.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

How did yours die?

Mechanical engineer at BA.

Got sucked into a jet engine.

Oh, Charlotte, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no.

It's over really quick.

She went in faster

than the speed of sound.

Didn't even have time to scream.

What about yours?

Oh, really boring.

Just bowel cancer.

Oh, that's not boring.

Really?

No.

OK.

Are you serious?

Give me a f*cking break.

Get that down you.

Oh, wow.

(LAUGHS) Mmm.

Everything all right with your food?

It's absolutely delicious.

Thank you.

You haven't touched it.

I'm just leaving room for dessert.

Is it possible to get

some more bread, please?

OK. OK. You know what?

Let's try a different approach.

Tell her you're thinking

of applying for a job

in analytics at GCHQ Bude.

I can't remember

if I mentioned this before,

but I'm actually thinking of applying

for a job in analytics at GCHQ Bude.

Because you want to see me again?

Oh. I mean, that would be lovely.

Scrap that. All these positions

require you to speak Mandarin.

Do you speak Mandarin?

Ah, comme ci, comme ca.

(LAUGHS)

You like that?

Yes. (LAUGHS)

OK, look, just ask her about

the digital fingerprint

they captured, OK?

Tell her I need it

to get a fix on a location.

I need the toilet.

Why?

Got to come out somewhere.

Oh.

OK, buddy, this is going so bad.

You really need to stick with

what I'm telling you to say.

Jerry, I'm not going to ask her

a departmental secret.

She might get fired.

Just say it's the only way

you'll know if you can trust her.

I already trust her.

Oh, come on, man!

You know how important

all this Eternal Blue sh*t is to me.

This could be my ticket home.

Hang on. Is that the only reason

you're doing all this?

What do you mean?

I'm just ordering dessert.

I thought

Someone's locked themselves

in the loo.

Going to have to hold it in.

Oh.

Come on, man, you can do this.

So what what brings you

to Cheltenham, then?

Is it, like, a work thing?

Um. Here to see you.

What, that's it?

Why? What's wrong with that?

No, no, that's No, that's great.

Just no-one's ever travelled

that far to see me before.

It's only three hours.

It's just straight up the M5.

You're not stop

No, no, I got the M5. Like a rocket.

So what

So where are you staying tonight?

Yours.

No. This is going nowhere.

(LIPS SMACK)

What's that noise?

Are you eating soup?

Shh. We're kissing.

I know.

See? I told you this would work. OK.

Now she's on side.

Ask her to send you

the signal analysis.

Do you get a bit of Rennie?

I don't think it's fully dissolved.

Alright. Who wants dessert?

We've already ordered.

When?

Sorry. Do you mind just giving us

one more minute?

Thank you.

OK. Um

So I'm going to say something

right now.

I completely understand if you just

want to get up and leave as a result.

But if you don't mind

hearing me out, that would be

Great. Go for it.

I'm wearing an earpiece.

What?!

Don't Don't tell her that.

A guy from my department wanted me

to try and get the intel

GCHQ captured on Eternal Blue

this morning.

But I swear, I didn't know that

until now.

He's just meant to be helping me out

because this is my first date

in 15 years

and I'm actually still a virgin.

Hmm. Can't tell.

That I'm still a virgin?

You're wearing an earpiece.

Well, I am.

(EARPIECE SQUEAKS, HUMS)

But you're not You're not mad?

Joseph, buddy, buddy, I'm

(VOICE DISTORTS)

(FEEDBACK WHINES)

Hello?

(SIGHS)

Shall we

Yeah.

I really need some more bread.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry. Do you mind not saying

anything to anyone?

We just don't want people at work

finding out

No, that's understandable.

Thank you.

Bye.

You haven't paid.

Oh

(SIGHS)

Want to grab a beer?

No.

Hooray, hooray, hooray

Trouble in on the way

They are bad times

just around the corner

There are dark clouds

hurtling through the sky

It's as clear as crystal

From Bridlington to Bristol

That we can't save democracy

and we don't much care

We better all learn the lyrics

of the old Red Flag

And wait till we drop down dead.