02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Joseph, what's the latest on IS?

Do we have any matches?

JOSEPH: Yeah, kind of.

I'm having a little bit of trouble

trying to get our software

to distinguish between times

when someone has referred to IS

as in the Islamic State,

which is what I presume

we need to keep a record of,

versus times when they've simply

used the word 'is'.

You've spent the best part of a week

looking into all

nationwide communication

containing the word 'is'?

Yeah, I mean, you'd be surprised

how much it comes up.

Jerry, have you been able to get

a cyber trace

on where the Russians

might be operating from?

Well, first of all,

good morning, Chris.

And, no, my only guess is that

somehow they're able to operate

even when their main server's

asleep.

I'm a bit like that.

By the way, has the NSA reached out

to see how I'm getting on

with all this?

Yes, of course.

If word gets out that a weapon

designed by the NSA

is now in the hands of t*rrorists,

it's going to be the biggest

humiliation since Snowden.

Yeah, I was asking more about, like,

do they reach out to say hi? Or

But what you said was also

super important.

Right. No.

Also, just so that you know,

as part of GCHQ's commitment

to tackling sexual harassment

and discrimination in the workplace,

CySec has been assigned

Hilary Bowden,

who will be leading some workshops

during the day.

Is she GCHQ?

No, but she comes recommended

by Rupert and Downing Street.

And she's also worked closely

with Prince Andrew.

Not too closely, I hope.

And one final thing

(CROCKERY CLATTERS)

One final thing

..I'm delighted to announce

that CySec's new fire marshal

will be

..Evelyn.

Ah!

Was it close?

No.

What do you mean?

Well done.

Wait a minute.

You don't even apply for the role?

What role?

Does HR know?

It's fine. It's just something

to keep her active

and get her out of my office.

Chris, you can't just give that role

to your own daughter.

Why not?

Well, isn't that

What's it called when you

you favour a relative?

Incest?

If you're accusing me of nepotism

within GCHQ,

it's probably my grandmother

you need to speak to first.

Right. Where's she at?

Cheltenham Cemetery.

12 across, 4 down.

Oh, it's lovely round there.

That's bullshit.

If only it wasn't so obvious

that Evelyn has got the role

purely on merit.

Sorry, got what on merit?

Any update from the Russians

on how your mum is getting on?

Oh, they won't let me speak to her.

She's very strong-willed.

She once ate a glass vase.

That's Jerry

(PHONE CHIMES)

Come on, let's get this over again.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, hi.

I just want to make sure

you received my my donation

to the Women's Progressive

Liberal Library Fund.

Yes. $10,000.

Great. Thank you.

I'm so sorry.

How can I help you?

Hilary Bowden.

I'll be leading the harassment

and discrimination sessions today.

Oh, right. Right.

Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

Well. Aren't you

a breath of fresh air?

Oh, really? Why?

Oh, just that you're very

Um

Um, red. You're very red.

(CHUCKLES) Were you about to say

I was attractive?

Maybe. Uh

Would that have been OK?

Of course. Why not?

Well, it's just that, you know,

men like me are often

Ah, never mind.

No, go on.

No, it's just that, you know,

being a good-looking

straight white male these days

is kind of like having a target

on your back, you know?

Anyway, um, if you need anything

at all while you're here,

you just, you know, give me a nudge.

I'm a big fan of your

..of your harassment of

of anti-harassment

and and your work

and and discrimination.

Very important.

Well, then, shall we?

No, please.

No, please.

(CHUCKLES) OK.

(SMACK!)

Ooh! Hello.

After you.

How do you feel about sharing

the fire marshal position?

There's only one tabard.

Yeah. I know.

But I can always give it

a rinse in between.

I'm already

health and safety officer.

Oh, yeah, I know,

but ever since Elaine walked into

that sheet of glass

there's been nothing to do.

What do you want me to do?

Start a fire?

It's not really necessary. (LAUGHS)

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning.

Good morning.

As you know,

my name is Hilary Bowden.

I'm an ambassador for CB

in the workplace.

I have experience with animals

and I am co-creator

of the biodegradable coil.

We are stretched for time.

So just to get the ball rolling,

I'd like to start

with maybe a general chat

about our own personal experiences

of harassment.

Would anyone like to go first?

Well

I Oh, no.

No.

You sure?

Yeah, you go.

So I often get teased quite a lot

because of my height.

I don't know if that counts

as harassment per se.

I see.

And from a psychological point

of view, does that get you down?

Well, I'm a lot closer to

the ground, if that's what you

Is that what you meant?

But do you ever find it restricting?

Oh, no. No, not

I mean, you know, within reason

I can fit into any size space.

Like a squid?

Or a gas.

And Jerry, as the alpha of the pack,

have you always been this tall?

Yeah, since birth.

I'm I'm tall everywhere.

And are you now at your maximum

height, do you think?

Actually, I could feel myself

growing right now.

Lovely.

OK, so I would like to try

a little bit of role play.

Mary and Joseph,

Come help me at the front here.

Jerry, could you please

chair for me, please?

(SMACK!)

Ooh!

OK, so I want you to imagine

that Mary has been bullying Joseph

for his height, say

Oh, why?

Well, actually, that's a good point.

In theory, why else might we want

to make fun of Joseph?

I don't know the best way to say

this. The colour of his skin?

Yes. Thank you.

His intellect.

Size of his nose?

The way he dresses.

I think that's probably enough.

His one brow.

Jerry, I think that

Yes, that's a good amount

of variables.

And which one of these are you

most comfortable talking about, Mary?

Oh, probably, um

..the colour of his skin?

Yes, I agree.

At least in theory

that's certainly the most obvious.

I don't know.

That nose is pretty big

Jerry

So I want you to imagine

that you've had a run-in with Joseph

and you've ended up saying

something r*cist.

And do you want me to actually

say the word out loud?

Well, do you have

a particular word in mind?

A few, yes.

Oh, but only because Mum

used to talk in her sleep.

Right.

Just for my write-up, Christine, what

proportion of the office is black?

Sorry, I believe the correct term

is African-American.

I think quite a lot of the furniture

is black.

Sorry, African-American.

Of course, we have very few, if any,

African-Americans working here.

What? How do you get away with that?

OK, I think that's enough.

Yeah.

Now we can all relax.

How does that make you feel, Joseph?

I guess it made me feel

a bit more white.

Hilary, given that I hang out

with Joseph so much,

does that mean I can never be

accused of being a r*cist?

OK, well, let's break that down,

shall we?

Does your friendship with Joseph

ever feel like a conscious decision?

Never.

Absolutely.

I mean, a little bit of both.

It's not an act of pity

or self-defence.

How would it be

an act of self-defence?

Well, perhaps it makes Jerry feel

more powerful

surrounding himself with people

of colour.

Like a mwana.

Yeah.

No. I'd never do that.

That's not to say I don't feel

powerful around you, buddy,

but I think anyone would.

OK. So, this next bit's actually

taken from my latest book.

It's just a scenario

that I'd like you to mull over

before we break for lunch.

Now, what if Jerry invited Joseph

over to his house

He's staying in a hotel.

OK. So, imagine he invites him

over to his hotel

and cooks him a dinner.

Doesn't have a kitchen.

Well, let's just assume

it's a suite.

I'm sure they'd upgrade me

if I asked.

Can't you just use

the hotel kitchen?

That was going to be my question.

Jesus.

No. I don't want to hang out

with those guys.

I'm trying to cook Joseph

a nice romantic children's meal.

The point is, Jerry ends up cooking

Joseph a really big, vibrant curry.

You wrote a book about this?

I quite like curry.

Oh, there you go.

See, the question is, though,

is that r*cist?

No way.

I'm just using up all

the ingredients I had left over.

I thought that was pancake day.

But is this a sign that

we have preconceived ideas of people?

No. I'm just trying to cook my best

friend in London

Cheltenham.

..Cheltenham, his favourite meal.

I never said

it was my favourite.

See?

Yeah.

But I'd do the same for anyone.

I mean, apart from Tuva, maybe.

Why?

What would you cook for me?

I'm imagining a more fragrant,

spicy kind of noodle thing.

Surely that's time.

With a side of crickets.

What the f*ck?

Are we not doing the bit in the role

play where I call Joseph a

Wow.

Phones off.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, move.

Ow.

God.

Move up.

Yeah.

Hilary just grabbed my junk, again.

What? Why?

Maybe it's some kind of game,

like a perverted version

of bop it.

Whatever it is,

I think she's winning.

Are you going to say something?

I don't know.

I mean, what if

she's just really into me?

What if she's not?

Well, then

I'm going to tell on her.

To Chris?

What's going on?

It's just

Hilary groped Jerry's crotch.

He wants to tell Chris.

Oh.

Pass it along.

Something about Jerry

and Chris' crotch.

I didn't really catch it.

You caught something?

I don't know.

But we all have to pass it on.

Jerry's got an STD.

What?

Pass it on.

Ooh. No. Gross.

Jerry's got syphilis again.

(MOUTHS SILENTLY)

It's sexual harassment time.

What I want to examine is what's

acceptable in the workplace,

what's unacceptable

and ultimately what's ill*gal.

Yeah, me too.

Can anyone give me an example

of something that's ill*gal

in the workplace?

Homicide?

Yes, but I'm particularly interested

in those muddier areas.

Who uses kisses

at the end of their emails?

And how does everyone else

feel about that?

How do you think?

The only thing that bothers me

is when the whole email

is just a kiss.

Even the subject line?

Yeah.

There's, like, kisses everywhere.

Yeah.

In my defence. I think

a lot of those were group emails.

They were.

Yeah.

Why haven't I received one of them?

I don't know.

You'd have to check

your mailbox settings.

OK.

I sometimes use hugs

at the end of my emails.

What's a hug?

Kind of like

No. Get off.

No, I mean how do you write a hug

in email?

Oh, well, I type a big capital O

or I use open and close brackets.

Just to offer you

my professional opinion,

and I'd say the same

to the royals,

I'd worry that might look

a little like an entranceway.

Huh?

What, like I'm inviting someone in.

Yeah, baby.

And is that allowed?

What, yeah, baby?

Yeah.

Oh, come on.

It's harmless, isn't it?

It's just, like, two words.

So is 'sugar t*ts'.

Thank you.

Christine, how do you usually sign

off your emails?

Would you ever use a kiss?

No.

I only ever sign off with an X

if I want that person k*lled.

Mmm. Tony Blair does that.

Is that why you keep

doing that to me?

No. If I wanted you k*lled, I'd

probably just do it in your sleep.

Oh, my God.

So, one additional thing I'm keen

to examine within these sessions

is the degree to which our decisions

are affected by unconscious bias.

I wouldn't know.

Exactly.

So, the best way I like to test this

is by imagining

that the building is on fire

and working out

who you would save first.

BOTH: Jerry.

Quentin.

Joseph.

Mum.

Mary.

Oh.

You're the lightest.

Well, no.

Try and ignore all other factors.

So, let's pretend

that you're Superman

and therefore the size and weight

of an individual isn't important.

So, assuming you're Superman, Jerry,

would Mary, be your first choice

as well?

Oh, I'm not sure.

I'd be worried about her wig

catching fire and damaging my cape.

It's not a wig.

What about me?

Oh, well, you'll be OK

for a few hours

in your mum's glass box up there.

Not if it melts.

Oh, Tuva.

Chris, I'm sure you'd want to save

Evelyn at some point.

Well, I wouldn't want to be accused

of nepotism, would I?

So you'd rather I burnt to death?

To be honest, I don't think

any of this would have happened

if I'd have been made fire

marshal in the first place.

So, what we actually recommend

is a way of avoiding unconscious bias

within this scenario is to save

people, but in alphabetical order.

Oh, great.

Starting with you, Christine.

What?

Followed by Evelyn.

Great.

And it would be me, Hilary.

If I happened to be around.

Yes. What a shame you're only here

for one day of the year.

Like Santa Claus.

Or a smear test.

Yes.

What I want to look at now

is physical interaction.

Now, I will warn you that some

of this is quite sensitive,

but I did try some of these

techniques out

at a COBRA meeting last week,

so they are perfectly safe.

Jerry, do you mind joining me

at the front, please?

So, what I'm going to do

is I'm going to demonstrate

how to hug a colleague the correct

way from a legal point of view.

OK, so here we go.

And out one, two and then off.

Now, if you want to put a bit

of force back into your push back

just to prove there's no agenda

there, that's absolutely fine.

But what if your colleague

has just witnessed something

horrendous on the Web

and you feel

like a longer hug is necessary,

so you might want to go

for a one, two, three and then a

Oh, Jesus.

OK? So why don't we

all give that a go?

Shall I hug you?

Careful. She's ancient.

OK, I'm here, I'm here.

That was awkward actually.

Yeah.

On the count of three, I want

you to all arrange yourselves

in order of who you feel

is most likely

to be taken advantage of.

One, two, three, go.

Fantastic. Now please sit back down.

I have a question.

Sure.

What if someone were to,

I don't know, say,

grab your a*s or your crotch,

would I report that

as sexual harassment or

What?

Or would I correctly interpret that

as someone having

extremely strong feelings for me?

I wouldn't have thought so, no.

Really?

Then why is that person going around

grabbing people's crotches?

I guess because

it makes them feel powerful,

especially when they know that no-one

will ever believe the other party.

What? Why would they do that?

I mean, that's totally f*cked up.

I know.

But sadly, it's what the science

shows us again and again.

OK.

For those of you who don't know

what's going on here,

Hilary grabbed my crotch

and my tush earlier, multiple times.

OK, so now might be a good time

to look at how best to deal

with false accusations.

What?

Mary, would you mind joining us,

please?

Wait, wait. This is bullshit.

She's lying.

So, Jerry, what I want you to do

is just demonstrate

what you believe happened

as part of a role play.

Fine. On you or Mary.

BOTH: On Mary.

Oh, no, no, nuh nuh nuh.

I know I'm not falling for this.

Alright. There might be a trap.

Mary, is it a trap?

I don't think so.

No-one's ever called it that before.

And what if it

were the other way round?

Well, like, I grab her a*s.

What if she were to grab you?

Now?

No.

Whenever you're ready.

Mary, what the f*ck?

Isn't someone

going to say something?

Sorry. Are we still in the roleplay?

Yes.

No.

I'm really confused.

Great. Are we done?

Mary, thank you.

What?

Are you all just going to sit there?

Chris.

I'm sorry. I was miles away.

And what Jerry's doing here

is pretending to object.

No, I'm not.

Oh, that's really clever.

Why would I do that?

To demonstrate what happens

when someone cries wolf.

Well, I'm not

I'm not crying wolf, OK?

It really happened.

That's exactly what the boy said.

Well, I'm being serious this time.

He said that, too.

Oh, I get it.

So you and Hilary were in cahoots.

Yes.

What? No.

Wonderful. A happy finish.

And of course, the sad thing

about a false accusation

is not only does it make

the individual look stupid,

but it also undermines

those cases where someone

has genuinely been harassed.

I have been harassed.

Joseph, when I came back in here,

what's the first thing

I said to you?

Move up.

No. After that.

That you think

she's really into, you.

No. Not that.

That you've got syphilis.

Yeah, no. What?

Is that what you said?

I must have misheard.

No, no.

OK, I'm genuinely starting to think

that you guys are all in on this.

Well, it is common for men

like you to try and play the victim.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you just say "men like me"?

What, you don't think

men like me can get harassed?

Well, then you don't know about

time

Wonderful and we're out of it.

Fantastic.

Wait, no, no, you can't.

You can't just do that.

And we're back in.

Time's up, I'm afraid, Jerry.

OK. Oh, no.

You know what? No, you were right.

You do have syphilis.

No, I mean, we're in cahoots.

Oh.

Hilary and I have been in cahoots

the whole time.

I mean, this whole thing

has been planned.

Her grabbing my junk was planned

her grabbing my back thingy

was planned.

This, this was planned right there.

That's planned. Yeah.

And this this was planned

and this is planned.

And this is planned.

And we're out of it.

No, what, what? Hi. Yes.

Just so you know,

I won't be pressing charges.

Thank you. Me neither.

I just have to attend a three-day

anti harassment course.

Yes, me too.

See you there.

Oh.

Hooray, hooray, hooray

Misery's here to stay

There are bad times

just around the corner

There are dark clouds

hurtling through the sky

It's as clear as crystal

from Brislington to Bristol

We can't save democracy

and we don't much care

We better all learn the lyrics

of The Old Red Flag

And wait until

we drop down dead.