17x17 - Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore

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(SINGING) The Simpsons

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Homer: Woo-hoo!

(BIRD SQUAWKING)

(MAN COUGHING)

I love it when Mr. Burns shows a movie at work.

I'm not sittin' up front with you guys.

It's bad for your eyes.

(CHUCKLES)

Suckers.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Before we begin the movie, please join me in a moment of silence for the workers who gave their lives in an heroic...

(CHANTING) Movie! Movie! Movie!

(WHIRRING)

Man: The American worker.

Proud, tough, hardworking.

(CLANKING)

And tired!

These jobs are k*lling us.

Outsourcing, take them away!

(WORKERS CHEERING)

It's a miracle!

They moved our factory to a third-world nation.

Now I have more time to play the lottery. Ka-ching!

Man: Hey, America, why not let some of the other countries carry their share of the load?

You can, with the best kind of sourcing: Outsourcing.

(CHUCKLES)

What a great film.

And I think it makes a terrific point: effective immediately, I'm closing the plant and moving all operations to lndia.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Does this mean we're losing our jobs?

(CHUCKLES) No, no.

Your jobs are safe.

They'll just be done by someone else in another country.

Oh, no! I just bought a $3 million house!

However, federal law requires I keep one union worker on the payroll.

So, congratulations, whoever catches this bouquet!

(GRUNTS)

(MEN PUNCHING)

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

Woo-hoo! I win!

In your face, best friends!

You've been transferred to lndia?

Hey, Marge, it's what I gotta do to keep this family living in luxury.

Luxury? This thermostat is just painted on.

Oh, my God! You're right. I'd better call the guy.

(IMITATES PHONE BEEPING)

Send someone right over. Oh, here he is.

Dad, that's Mac Tonight.

Yeah? Well, while I'm gone, you'll do what he says.

(CLOCK TICKING)

What's a MacGyver, and why does it have a convention?

MacGyver was a show about a secret agent who used inventions made of everyday objects to defeat bad guys.

And he was played by the three greatest names in the history of television: Richard Dean Anderson.

Did someone mention my names?

Both: (GASPING) Richard Dean Anderson!

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

You finally came to our convention!

No. I'm looking for the convention for my new show Stargate SG-1.

Oh, that. It's over there.

(CROWD CHANTING) Stargate 86-1!

You're into MacGyver?

That show was so stupid.

(CLATTERS)

"Oh, I'm MacGyver. I can make a b*mb "out of a banana peel and a toaster."

That show was just a paycheck to me, and nothing more.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(WHEEZING)

How could he say that?

MacGyver is my world.

Richard Dean Anderson just pissed off the wrong Richard Dean Anderson fans!

Crowd: Stargate...

Richard Dean Anderson, of the four star franchises: Wars, Trek, Gate, and Search, Gate is easily my third favorite.

I get that a lot.

Question SG1: how would your character, Major General.

Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill, react to appearing at the Springfield Stargate fanfest?

I feel like I’ve just gone through the stargate to one heck of a convention!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

He's aware of us!

(WHISTLING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

(Jeff) What in the name of Steve Ditko?

RICHARD; Hey, Let go!

Hey, watch the face! I need that for acting!

(CLICKS)

Whoa! He's gone!

There must be a stargate in this stadium!

Everybody, look for it!

(AUDIENCE CLAMORING)

Wait, wait. I have some even more exciting news!

There is a girl in the audience!

Everybody look for her!

(ALL CLAMORING)

This is a kilt, and I'm not a girl!

You're as close as we'll ever get!

Get him!

(SCREAMS)

Hmm.

Surprise!

This is kidnapping! People are gonna know I'm missing.

There's a liquor store I go to every morning.

This isn't a kidnapping.

No. Think of it as a two-on-one.

MacGyver convention.

That will never, never end.

First, you're gonna sign a couple of autographs.

What the...

You can write "Help me" all you want. No one will ever see it.

(SELMA AND PATTY CACKLING)

Oh, Dad, we'll miss you so much.

I'll miss you kids, too.

(Woman on pa) Attention.

India Air flight 57 now boarding first class, small children and fat guys.

That's me! Homie...

I got you something to read on the plane.

Woo-hoo!

A book? (GROANS)

"Secrets I learned at breakfast"?

(GROANS) The cereal's just a metaphor.

It's a book about management, and Lee lacocca says it's "definitely dot-dot-dot useful."

Thanks, sweetie.

I've never been less angry to receive a book.

Aw.

Mmm.

(GROANS)

(PEOPLE BUSTLING)

This isn't lndia!

Where's the University of Notre Dame, the lndy 500, Wrigley Field, Dodger Dogs?

You ignorant American, you have confused lndia with lndiana, Indiana with lllinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers.

Oh, no! I took a job on the other side of the world!

(YELLS) Oh, I hate this subcontinent!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Homer: (ON PHONE) Lisa, it's me!

I'm in trouble!

Calm down, Dad. What happened?

A cow took my iPod and I punched it'.!

(MOOING)

(GRUNTS)

(COW MOOING)

Uh-huh.

Do I have to?

Okay, okay, I'll show the cow I adore it.

Mmm.

(KISSING NOISES)

Oh, baby, mmm.

Ooh, did you lose weight? h*-h*!

Oh, come on, baby, don't play hard to milk.

Crowd: Aw.

Okay, Apu said his cousin Kavi could help me out.

Let's see... Apu's cousin is medium height, dark complexion, brown eyes, black hair.

Are you Kavi? No.

Are you Kavi? Yes.

Oh, you must be Mr. Homer.

Finally!

He's escaped.

(GASPS) We'll be busted for kidnapping.

I can't face jail.

I can.

(DOORKNOB CLICKING)

(BOTH GASPING)

Richard Dean Anderson.

Why did you come back?

To tell you how I escaped.

I had to get out before another one of your bristly kisses.

Then I remembered the blue contacts I wear to hide my Latino heritage.

(CRACKLING)

Now all I needed was a sling strong enough to support my 200-pound frame.

A-bra-cada-bra.

Hmm.

MacGyver lives.

And not just at 2:00 a.m. on the USA Network.

My real-life escape from your love dungeon was the most exciting thing I've ever done.

It was?

Tie me up so I can do it again.

But this time don't make it so easy.

No.

(CHUCKLES) Delighted.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

Too much?

Not for MacGyver.

(COW MOOING)

(SNAKE-CHARMING MUSIC PLAYING)

Why did you want to make an entrance like that, sir?

I am a showman.

Welcome, new employees of the Bangalore Nuclear Power Plant.

The energy generated here is transmitted through undersea cables right back to America.

(ELECTRICITY BUZZES)

You know, Moe, that sign is powered by non-American workers.

So what? Your beefs German and the TV's Japanese.

Well, is there anything in this bar that's made in America?

Just this.

(c*ck g*n)

(GROANS) on.

God! Misfire!

Now I'd like to introduce you to your new manager.

You'll find his integrity and dedication make him...

Untouchable.

(ALL GASPING)

Sorry I'm late. I was doing Carnac with my bodyguard.

Hindu.

(BLOWS AIR)

What do you call the moisture on your hin?

(LAUGHS)

Classic! Now...

Tell them how to run a nuclear plant.

(WHIMPERS) Uh...

Da...

Um...

Uh...

Da...

Did I say "um"?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, man, what do I do?

Wait, the book Marge gave me.

Okay, book, I didn't read you and you didn't read me, but we're both in this together.

So say something smart or get ready to run like hell.

Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

"In business as in breakfast, "fried eggs have fragile yolks."

Huh? Huh?

(SPEAKING HINDI)

(CHEERING)

Oh, he's got them eating out of his hand.

And to think you doubted him, Smithers.

Uh, sir, can we talk about this arranged marriage of mine?

(GIGGLES)

Yoo-hoo.

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

(COW MOOING)

(HONKING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Y'ello. Dad, I got to write a report on the Great Lakes.

Just outsource it to Lisa.

Outsourcing is the answer to everything.

Also, I can't sleep at night 'cause there's this new bully who follows me home, and...

(GLASS SHATTERS) I think he's in the house.

Outsourcing.

I'm very glad to see you favor outsourcing.

I myself have found work with several American companies.

(RINGING)

(Kavi) on.

(MIDWEST AMERICAN ACCENT) IBM help line, this is Brian. Uh-huh.

Uh, have you tried disabling your firewall?

(PHONE RINGING)

(TEXAN ACCENT) Dallas/Fort Worth Marriott. How can I help y'all?

Well, we have a Cotton Bowl special.

Go Aggies!

(RINGING)

(JAMAICAN ACCENT) This is Queen Mama Jumbo.

The stars tell me you have a question.

Oh, no' Jenny, don't be dating that boy.

The bones don't lie. He's bad mojo, girl.

Ooh.

Next.

Whoa!

Okay, here's the plan.

You lock me in the trunk of a car and park it under the pier at low tide.

All I need are these everyday objects.

A nail file, a Farmers'Almanac, a g*n with no b*ll*ts, some b*ll*ts and three of my MacGyver writers.

Sounds great.

Can we do it during lunch?

Now!

Both: Hmm.

Simpson, I don't know how you're doing it, but you're outputting 10 times the power our American plant ever did.

Well, a little book once told me...

(MUMBLING)

Ah! Having only one pancake leaves room for more bacon.

I see what you're saying.

We're crowding your plate.

In fact, there's no need for us to be here at all.

Let's go, Smithers.

You're giving me absolute power?

Mmm-hmm. Sir, doesn't that corrupt?

Absolutely not.

When ii comes to running a nuclear power plant, this man's a god.

(SQUEAKING)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a dinner engagement.

I don't want my scooped out monkey head to get cold.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

I'm not a god.

God has a white beard and invented the Da Vinci Code.

Actually, in our system of belief, there are many gods.

Hmm.

Let's see, you got the Elephant-man, Johnny Six-Arms, Papa Smurf.

These guys are pretty cool.

Maybe I am one of them.

If only I had some kind of proof. {FIZZES}

(GASPS) I won a free soda!

Homer: I am a god!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(HUMMING)

Sir, I really don't think we should have left Simpson in charge.

No office talk.

I'm floating down the Ganges with my new chums.

Those are corpses.

You never like my friends.

What's going on?

We flew all the way out here 'cause Homer sent us this crazy card.

Behind one of these doors is Homer Simpson.

Behind the other, a Bengal tiger.

Choose wisely.

(GROWLS) Ahhh!

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

Both doors have tigers!

One of those tigers is named Homer Simpson.

(BOTH GASPING)

(Richard) Welcome home!

Guess who made MacGyver burgers?

MacGyver!

We didn't have any ground beef.

Yeah, but you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.

(GROANS)

We got to get rid of this kook.

I got an idea.

Which episode are we watching tonight?

"L is for Lake Tahoe: Part ll"?

"Bless me, MacGyver, For I Have Sinned"?

Oh, we thought maybe you would like to see some of our globetrotting adventures.

Hmm.

This is Selma in line at the Luray Caverns.

It turned out it was the line for the ladies' room.

This is the ladies' room.

This is us at the Alberta, Canada, carriage museum.

That's a phaeton. Landau. Buckboard.

Post chaise. Surrey. Surrey.

Surrey. Selma. Surrey.

You're in a tight spot, MacGyver.

This calls for your most ingenious escape ever.

This Olive Garden coupon! It expires at midnight.

You're not holding a coupon.

Um...

MacGyver away!

(THUDS)

Well, he's gone.

Yeah.

And we'll always have what he wrote on our window shade.

What did he write that in?

Grape juice and tears.

This is the end.

My only friend, the end...

Of our elaborate...

So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane and thinks he's a god and broken off all contact with the outside world?

I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.

You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother.

His name is "Shut the hell up!"

(Workers) (CHANTING) A-bom-shabai.

A-bom-shabai.

A-bom-shabai.

Mom, I'm scared.

A-bom-shabai.

A-bom-shabai.

A-bom-shabai.

A-bom-shabai.

(GASPS)

(Workers) A-bom-shabai.

A-bom-shabai.

Should we take all our stuff, or are we coming back on this boat, too?

Same boat, but take it anyway.

They use the boat for a Dixieland booze cruise while we're gone.

(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHANTING)

Silence!

Now for my amusement, let the monkey fight the elephant.

(ROARS)

(CHATTERING)

Homie, stop! You're not a god!

Marge? You're just a sweet guy from Springfield who wanted his family to have a better life.

What, I... I am a god! I know all.

Oh, yeah, what's Mom's birthday?

It's... Um...

Jan... Feb... Mar...

It's May!

May!

First... Second... Third?

You don't have to worship him. He's not a god.

We know that. We follow him because of the secrets he tells us.

What secrets?

He told us of overtime pay.

And coffee breaks.

And flex time.

Casual Fridays.

On-site daycare.

Low dental co-pays.

Muffin baskets on your birthday.

With Mylar balloons.

(All) (CHANTING) Mylar balloons.

Mylar balloons. Mylar balloons.

This man told you about these things?

Yes. In fact, he gave them to us in a binding contract.

"A-bom-shabai" means "vote union."

(All) A-bom-shabai.

A-bom-shabai.

Up until now, I was with you.

Even the beast-on-beast combat, that had potential.

(WHIMPERING)

But treating employees like human beings, that is madness!

Oh, you appear ill, Sahib.

Maybe you should take a personal day.

Take one of mine. They are transferable.

Argh!

I'm proud of you, Dad.

You're the first man to ever outsource the American worker's sense of entitlement and privilege.

Well, I'm just glad I'm not a god anymore.

I want to go home.

How's Chief Wiggum?

(SIGHS) Hmm.

He was gravely wounded in a bank shootout.

Yeah, he's funny.

Well, I guess we'll have to relocate to an area where the workers are more desperate and ignorant, Springfield.

You're fired!

You're all fired!

Fired! Fired! Fired!

(ALL CHEERING)

Woman: Two months' severance!

Early retirement!

Golden parachutes for all!

(CHEERING)

(WHIMPERS)

(STRUMMING)

(BOLLYWOOD SONG PLAYING)

Oh, go ahead and join them, Smithers.

I know you want to.

Yes, sir!

(EXCLAIMS) Ha!

(SONG CONTINUES)