01x01 - Ship of Dreams

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains some
scenes of a sexual nature,

some strong language and some scenes
which some viewers may find upsetting.

It's rude to sneak up on people.

How did you know?

You're a walking
cloud of Lynx Africa.

I just want to talk.

And I want us to move on with our
lives and for you to be unhappy.

I miss you, Pippa.
Hey, look at me...

Just do one, Danny, you're
embarrassing yourself.

Are Liverpool playing at home?

Yeah. I started my day in
a pool of my own blood.

Is that how you wanna end yours?

I know you've been
having a sh*t time.

I want to be there for you.

I'm sure you do.

Doors opening.

Doors opening.

Doors closing.

Doors opening.

Oh!

One little duck, quack, quack.

Number two.

Number four, knock at the door.

27, gateway to heaven.

Get away from me!

You can't have me.

All new recruits,
report to registration.

Guest arrival in three hours.

Name. Cormac.

Kelly.

Sign your life away.

Enjoy your time with Velorum.

By joining Velorum,

you're becoming part of
something much bigger.

You are now part of the
world's fastest-growing,

most ambitious cruise line.

Experience freedom like
you've never felt before,

all whilst gaining professional
skills in a world-class environment.

Welcome to Velorum, where
your dreams set sail.

My name is Karen.

I'm staff captain on
the ship of dreams.

This is Second Officer Beaker,

and Third Officer Sam Rhodes.

Right, first off,

anyone thinking this is gonna
be one big jolly holiday

should get to f*ck now.

This ship is a
merciless mistress.

I say, "Jump", and
you say, "How high?"

Officer Beaker says,
"Run", you say, "How fast?"

A guest asks you to
build him a pillow fort,

you say, "Duck
feather or goose?"

Karen does not sugar-coat,
not since the diabetes.

If you cross me, I will wipe
you out with a precision

the likes of which you crotch
droppings have never seen.

Welcome aboard the Sacramentum.

The I-95.2,000 of you will
pass through here 24/7.

Some of this lot don't
ever see the light of day.

Hiya, I'm Lauren.

Cormac.

Hands out of pockets!

Sorry, Aunt Lydia.

The crew mess.

We've a two-strike rule
on here for bad behaviour.

Any nonsense, inappropriate
guest interaction,

and you will be on a flight
home quicker than you can say...

Little Duck's Soft Play Palace.

The theatre.

The Officers' Mess.

These boys are Karen's
eyes and ears. Say hello.

Hello.

The promenade. One-stop
shopping and eating,

everything you need
at your fingertips.

Only officers and entertainment
staff with one of these

can access this area.

But the video said...

Sorry? Was that a
question... Jerome?

What about free time?

What free time? No, you lot
will be in back-of-house roles.

But if you impress, you might
be granted temporary access

to some of the areas that
are usually off limits.

Guest arrival in 30 minutes.

It's a bit much, innit?

Names.

Cormac.

And? Vivian.

Vivian, what are you,
a 1950s housewife?

Well, Cormac and Vivian,
nothing, and I mean nothing,

is too much for our guests. Right,
at the end of the corridor here,

you'll see access
to first class, OK?

And over here...

..our performers.

Currently rehearsing a production
of Apocalypse Wow, Wow, Wow.

Mr A? Mr A? Good morning.

This is Mr Allan,
our cruise director.

Welcome. Welcome, all of you.

You're all going to
have the best summer.

It's gonna be great.

OK, guests are coming.

Right, action stations.

No doubt you'll
all disappoint me.

Back to bunks, then
to assignments.

And remember, Karen
is always watching.

This ship is a maze.

Guess who got their own room.

How did you manage that?

Luck of the draw. And
let's hope my luck holds,

because this is one
big bang boat, baby.

There'll be none
of that for me, ta.

I've got my Daronte
back home. My fiance.

Is that a mood ring?

It was his nan's.

Have you got anyone
back home, Cormac?

Me? Er, no. Single.

Sheffield's g*y scene isn't
exactly flourishing, so...

Looking for love, then?

No. No. I mean, I'm just,

I'm kind of focusing on
my work at the minute.

No, I get it.
Working on yourself.

I think I'm this way.

Oh!

Guests now boarding.

♪ If you like pina coladas

♪ And getting caught in the rain

♪ If you're not into yoga... ♪

Go on straight through
for me, thank you.

This way.

We're here for you.

Happy to.

Mr and Mrs Pleasance.
Welcome back, we missed you.

How was your journey?

To be honest, I could do with
one of those cheeky Turkish rubs.

Not a problem.

I want to personally
escort you to your suite

and we'll get that
set up for you.

Oh. Hello, Jamie. You looked
taller in your picture.

Cormac? No. No, no, no, no, no.

What the hell are you doing here?
This wasn't part of the plan.

Fancied a bit of sun, didn't I?
How did you even... no, no, no,

you have to get
off right now, OK?

I take your place on
here, you stay at home.

My emails couldn't
have been clearer.

Rosie and me broke
up, all right?

Who's Rosie?

She was my girlfriend. We were
supposed to come on here together,

but then she ended
it and I bailed.

This was kind of all your
fault, to be honest, man.

So, what, you're on
here to win her back?

You couldn't just wait three months?
Oh, my God, you wanna spy on her.

Hey, don't judge me.

I'm not stealing
somebody's identity

like the Talented Mr Whippy.

You sold it to me. I
paid you to stay at home.

But you can still
do your thing, man.

Find out what happened
to your sister, um...

Pippa. Yeah.

Her name's Pippa.

Is it true she...?

That's what Velorum says,
but I know she didn't.

And the only way of
getting to the truth

is by investigating for myself.

This is my one and only chance

of finding out what
actually happened,

whilst all the same people
are still on the ship.

I'll just keep a low profile.

No. Look, the only
way I can do this

is if they don't know
who I really am, OK?

If either of us gets caught,
that's it, I'm finished.

Why am I explaining this to you?

You need to leave right now.

Come on, man. I
won't make a peep.

Guests fully boarded, doors
closed. Departure in 30.

It's too late.

So, what's the plan, anyway?

Gonna bang a few heads
together and f*ck sh*t up?

I was just going
to talk to people.

Yawn.

I want to know more about
the guy she was seeing,

er, Danny. He was...

Look, I need to go back.

They might come looking, OK?

Just please do not,

under any circumstances,
leave this cabin.

If someone who
knows you spots you,

or if Rosie finds you stalking
her, what do you think she'd say?

Do you think she might take
it the wrong way, or...?

I can keep an eye on
her for you, all right?

Just as long as you stay here.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah. Yeah, it's not like
I've got enough on my plate.

Just text me... No, here,
I'll show you this one.

This is us at Diggerland.

God, she loves a JCB.

Right. Just stay put, yeah?

I mean it.

All right, OK. I'm not
going anywhere, man.

Get to work, new guy.

Excuse me, do you know Pippa?
Pippa Walsh? No, you don't...

No, I didn't know her. What
about her boyfriend Danny?

Yeah, I know him.
He's the worst.

That whole entertainers
group, they're bloodsuckers.

But she used to work on here.

Those theatre kids
are into drugs.

Drugs? How do they get drugs?

Probably from one of the mafias.

There are a few on here.
Cliques who stick together.

The Filipinos are top.

Cross one and you've
crossed them all.

Pippa, she was a piece of work.

We call her the Mary Celeste.

So many sailors went down on her
and nobody knows where she is.

Out of the way.

Argh!

Welcome to Velorum,

where your dreams set sail.

Not too late to run. You
wouldn't be the first to bail.

Seriously, go now, or
you'll never escape.

I only came on here to
save during my gap year.

It's been 84 years.

Sorry.

Didn't mean to interrupt your
moment of pain and despair.

You gonna be all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll
be fine. Thank you.

The best way out
is always through.

And lose the blue shirt,
you don't wanna be a bloob.

Bloob? A blue noob.
Bottom of the ladder

when it comes to nonsensical
cruise ship subculture.

This boat's tribal as hell.

Oh. Game the system, bloob.

Do you have to stand that close
to me? You've got sh*t breath.

I've never been with
an Asian girl before.

I have.

Touch me again and I'll
drown you, dickhead.

Oi! What's going on?

Nothing. All good.

Puta!

What? You OK?

Yeah, well, maybe she
had the right idea.

The girl that you were asking
about, the one who jumped.

She didn't jump.

Let me out!

Hello?

Arseholes.

Do you know, they
keep bodies in here

when they run out of
space in the mortuary.

Every cruise ship has one.

If they ask us to give out
Arctic roll, we'll know why.

What make you come on here?

Were you not watching the video?

I wanted to gain professional
skills in a world-class environment.

And I needed to get as
far away as I could.

Oh. It's fine.

My family were more than
happy to see the back of me.

At least they noticed you
left. What do you mean?

My dad doesn't know I'm on here.

You didn't tell him?

We're not really the tell
each other kind of family.

What about your mum?

Died when I was ten.

Oh. I'm sorry.

It's all good.

Danny, Danny, Danny.

Hola, senor.

sh*t.

Bethany-May is freaking
out. She wants to leave.

Then let her. She's dead weight.

You don't trust her?

Never trust a girl with
two names and French tips.

You need to talk to her.

Can we get a selfie?

Don't try and stop me, Sophia!

Where are you going? Anywhere.

Where's anywhere? Anywhere
that isn't on here.

We're in way over our
heads and this just,

after what happened
with Pippa, it's not...

Well, it's not fun
any more, is it?

Why won't this close?

Argh!

I'm done. I'm sorry, Sophia.

I was just...

We've already been down here.

Do you ever feel like
you're being watched?

This is a floating prison.

And ironically, the most
freedom I've had in ages.

I think my dad thought

that if he could keep me
locked away from the world,

maybe it'll quell
my sinful desires.

Right. How did that
work out for him?

Well, I just had
to get out of there

and I thought that running
off to become a sailor

sounded like the gayest option.

And look at me now.

Smashing the cheap
labour stereotypes.

And there I was thinking that
I'd get to see the world.

"Come and play with us,

"forever, and ever, and ever."

Do you have a spare
phone charger?

Hungry?

Um, just a lot of
feelings to eat.

What are you looking at?

People Pippa was friends with.

Did you find matey
boy, the boyfriend?

I sure did.

What do you know about him?

Everything there is to know.
You know, did my research,

went through everyone online who
she was friends with on here.

Sort of all I've been doing
these past few months.

What, like, swotting
up and sh*t?

Yeah.

Yeah. You seem the type.

Come on, shot, shot,
shot, shots. Ready?

I've reached my wi-fi limit.

Oh, yeah, the ship's
wi-fi's always shite.

No, but how is it
used up already?

I mean, what did you do?

All right, look.
Rosie posted a story.

I was like, "No, Cormac,
don't go texting her now.

"Get yourself some
self-control."

So, I watched the Fast And Furious
series, just to get my mind off her.

But then that made me horny.

Look, I'm sorry, but you
were gone bloody ages,

and it's horrible
being locked down here.

I'm not sure I can do this, man.

I feel like I'm
getting cabin fever.

So hot and... how long did
that Wikileaks fella last?

It's been nine hours.

Three months? You
get less for m*rder.

Well, I'm hoping it won't take
that long to get to the truth.

Solitary confinement.

I feel my body shutting down or
something. Did you see her yet?

Who? Rosie.

Yes. She's fine.

What was she doing?

What? What was Rosie
doing when you saw her?

She was...

..mopping.

Mopping?

Mopping what?

The deck. What deck?

Just... all of the decks.

Funny, that. Because
Rosie isn't a cleaner.

She's a Cher tribute.

What the f*ck are
you... Get off me!

She is a Cher tribute.

She's a Cher tribute,
you treacherous b*stard!

Missing? It was two days before
anyone even reported her gone.

And because the ship's registered
to Panama for a tax dodge,

any crime on board has to be
investigated by their police.

They sent a detective
for one day.

You wouldn't believe the stuff
these companies get away with.

I mean, this is a floating
city with no police.

It's basically lawless.

Well, what did Velorum say?

She jumped. I know she
didn't. She wouldn't.

A multi-million dollar corporation
covering up negligence? Never.

You sound sure that
she didn't jump.

I mean, we tell each other
everything, you know.

She would have told me
if she was struggling.

She had this strength
like nobody I know.

She basically raised
me after our mum,

and then our dad
stopped functioning.

And now I've lost the
only person who knows me.

Everyone on here is a suspect.

Someone on here knows something.

Danny had a phone in his room.
I want to get him on his own.

I want to see what I
can get out of him.

I can help you. Let me help. You
can't do this on your own. No.

And, so far,

you're the only person on
here who's bearable company.

And I lied to you.

My parents don't actually
know that I'm on here either.

I might have maxed out
my dad's stolen cards

paying for travel
to get on here.

So, more on the run
than running away, then?

What I'm saying is,
you can trust me.

Just not with my credit card.

Are they not looking for you?

No. He's too proud
to go to the police.

And too embarrassed
by my very existence.

Thank you, Vivian,
really. But...

And I'm an accessory now,
aren't I? No offence,

you're obviously not as good

at this cloak and dagger
thing as you think.

And you need someone
to babysit Lurch.

Can you trust that he's not
going to blow your cover?

Expecting someone?

Just a second. Hide the phone.

Hang on!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Vivian!

Argh! Where are we?

Just let me go. Please,
please, just let me go.

I won't tell anyone about this.

Please just let me leave.

I won't say a word to anyone,
just let me leave, please.

Where is she? What
did you do with her?

Chill out.

Your mate's next door.

Somebody wants to meet you.

What is that?

It's a fish.

Time for some omega-3.

Go on.

Chill out, it's just
a rite of passage.

That's everyone.

The French boy loved it.

I suppose I've kissed worse.
You only had to kiss it?

Look at them all.

Ground down by the mindlessness
of work, made passive by...

Shots! Did they get you as well?

Up the bum. No babies!

I had to put her down.

What? The fish. You gave
it a taste for flesh.

Yeah, I think I might have
misunderstood the assignment

just a little bit.

No hard feelings, man.
We all had to do it.

Well, nobody's ever gone as
far as you did, you freak.

Come on, what are you drinking?

You know, it takes a special type
of person to want to work 12 hours,

party eight and sleep four.

It's worth it, though, man.

You get mad p*ssy on here, mate.

Oh, look, the only mad
p*ssy I've been near

is my nan's cat
with dementia, so...

We all go a little
mad sometimes.

Have we met before?

I don't think... No, no, see, I
definitely know you from somewhere.

What's your name?

Cormac.

Cormac? Kelly.

Cormac Kelly.

You know, that rings a bell.

That rings a bell.
And you know Hamish.

Hey, Hamish!

I was sorry to hear about
what happened with your ex.

Was it... Pippa?

Sorry, I just, I didn't mean to,

it's just, the guys in the kitchen
were talking, that's all. Sorry.

Yeah, I know.

We weren't together long.

Too clingy.

I had to pie her off.

Plenty more fish
in the sea, though.

Sorry, man, it's all
right. Couldn't resist.

But no, it's...

Pippa, it's really sad.

It's tragic.

Anyway, in a bit, you
f*cking mood hoover.

I'm sorry, Sophia. I lost it.

This ship is such a mind-f*ck.

It's all one big lie.

Forget it.

But you have to promise me
you'll keep it together.

You know,

the others said that you're
just a cheap Pippa substitute,

but I think you're really cool.

Sam.

Sophia. What are you doing?

Getting some air.

Do you have a death wish? You
know, if Karen catches you... Oh.

I'm writing you up.

We're missing the party.

♪ Lost track of the time,
how long have I been here?

♪ Lost track of the time, how
many tries have I failed? ♪

Still here?

Still here. Watered
down vodka cranberry?

Why not?

Woo! Woo! Is it
always like this?

Yeah, Velorum likes
us to let off steam.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, this is
a lot of steam. I'm Olly.

J... Er, Cormac. Cormac.

Nice to meet you, Cormac.

Rosie?

You're Rosie?

Sorry, do I know you?

No. No. I like your feathers.

Stay if you want.

I'm gonna head back.

Who's Pippa?

What?

You kept calling me Pippa.

Did I?

Like, twice. It was weird.

Who is she?

I thought you were leaving.

Hilarious, Hamish.

You're not my type, bruv.

Have you heard the joke
about the f*cked up duck?

♪ Hey, baby

♪ You sure look sexy

♪ So sexy... ♪

There's this boy
celebrating his 18th

but his dad doesn't
have much money,

so he gives him this special lucky
duck, tells him to go have fun.

♪ I can see the
hunger in you... ♪

You're an accessory, remember?

Now, this boy's a virgin.

Wants to test how lucky the
duck is, so he finds an escort.

He says, "I can only
pay with this duck."

She takes the duck, they
bang, and after, she's like,

"Mate, that was amazing. I
can't believe you're a virgin.

"Can we do it again?" He says,

"But I don't have anything
else to give." She's like,

"No, no, please. Please, take
the duck back. I just want more."

So they bang some
more and it's great.

He gets home and his dad's like,

"So, how was your night, son?

"How was the lucky duck?"

The boy says...

Help.

♪ Only you tonight... ♪

♪ Only you tonight

♪ My one desire

♪ Only you tonight... ♪