Snatchers (2025)

[bunniefuu]

[eerie sci-fi music]

Constance!

Come take a rest with me

and sit on my porch a while, eh?

I guess that should be all right.

-You were in the city recently?

-Yes.

Is it true you cannot see stars there?

Yes, it's true...

...for they have such tall buildings

and electric lights.

'Tis strange to think the stars

should have competition.

They do...

...but Constance...

...thou does not.

I should like to see it one day.

Really?

For I would very much like to

show it to thee.

I can right now if you want.

Oh, I mean the city!

Oh, okay.

Oh, well, then.

Thou might accompany me to the farmer's

market tomorrow.

Could I?

Oh, it would be my honor.

We might even partake in some... modern

conveniences.

No, you mean liquid soap?!

The inn provides it in tiny bottles!

Oh, Jeb.

But that would be an overnight trip.

My father would never allow it.

I've been courting thee for eight weeks.

We should be married by now.

I think it's at least time

that we took things to the next level.

Are we ready?

Oh, god

I'm so ready right now it hurts.

Constance, it is a perfect, night. Ahh,

the stars are all out.

What say you?

Shall we...

...hold hands?

But that's Mennonite third base!

I know, but I just want to make

physical contact with any part of thy body

that is not entirely covered in fabric.

Please?

Pretty... please?

Please, just let me. Please?

God won't mind,

I swear.

[music swells]

[roaring sound]

[in German] Holy sh*t!

We have sinned!

[expl*si*n]

Holy sh*t!

Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry, god.

Forgive me, god. Jeb made me.

He made me. Jeb r*ped my wrists!

Constance, wait! No... I...

[in Spanish] Hi, I'm Rosa

[in Spanish]

Do you have a tampon?

Oh, hi.

Sorry, um, I don't speak Spanish.

No, hablo.

[in Spanish]

Are you joking with me?

I wanted to take Spanish, but

my parents pushed Latin for med school.

I'm actually only working as a maid

because I'm making a documentary.

This whole expos about how the U.S.

treats Mexican immigrants like yourself.

[in Spanish] I'm from Venezuela.

Right? It's awful.

So, yeah, making a doc about it.

[in Spanish]

Great, a g*dd*mn Morgan Spurlock!

You're angry at the system,

and I totally get it.

I'm on your side.

Love trumps hate, right?

[door slams]

Wow. That was really authentic.

f*cking Brooklyn.

Once this was a sewer

crawling with human garbage,

animals who'd slit your throat over

a scratch-off lottery ticket.

Now it's all gentrified,

and these manicured parks are

teeming with bearded bloggers

in Japanese selvage jeans drinking

direct trade full immersion coffees,

reading Infinite Jest.

Brie?

-Yes?

-You're in the stroller lane.

What, you mean like the crosswalk?

I need you to apologize to my son,

Coltrane.

He's the injured party here.

There were bodegas

drugs and gangsters, all gone...

replaced by Whole Foods and single malts

and f*cking improv teams.

Makes me want to vomit in my own car,

which would then at least

smell like old Brookyln.

Hi... Is your kale the patriarchy

salad GMO free?

Of course. But this is a

food truck food truck.

We cater to the other food trucks only.

So I can't order anything?

No offense,

but everything we do is small batch

farm to table, paleo, vegan,

and we prefer a clientele that gets it.

So other food trucks.

Let's call it a day, Gem.

I want to get off Bedford before the

bridge and tunnel and start showing up.

Aces.

One day will rain will come

and the sewer will back up,

and then...

And then the sewer will reclaim its own.

Goodbye juice bar yoga studio work shares,

hello old Brooklyn.

Lulu, I know it's our money,

but vintage Captain Planet shirts

don't just pop up on Etsy every day.

Of course, and I don't fault you for that.

But expedited shipping?

I mean, I waited two weeks for my

crocheted pink p*ssy hat.

Oh, hey, nice kale.

-Two ladies at third base!

-Yeah, come back on Rumspringa,

-we'll show you how it works.

-We are Mennonite.

We don't have Rumspringa.

What do you guys do?

I can drive a truck.

Rumspringa seems better.

You get to see a whole new world.

It's like the Little Mermaid with beards.

What may we interest

thee lovely ladies in today?

We have ahh, beautiful heirloom

tomatoes, cucumbers,

fresh raw honey, homemade apricot jelly.

I don't know.

Do you have anything unusual?

I think we have just the thing.

What is that?

Where'd you find these?

We didn't find them.

We didn't find them.

Ahhh...

It's called Mennonite Corn.

Mennonite Corn! From the mother country

and brought back from olden times.

It's certainly not new,

and totally safe.

Definitely safe.

Does it taste good?

How do you cook them?

No, no, no, no, no, you don't...

You don't cook them.

They're best enjoyed raw.

You have to eat it raw.

When are they ripe?

-Three days.

-Three days.

Okay. I'm Instagramming this sh*t.

Everybody say corn hole.

Corn hole!

Corn... hole?

And today on the big show

we're going to talk about

the meteorite that lit up the sky

on Sunday night.

The big surprise:

No warning, Wendy.

Right?!

I... I mean, if a space rock can penetrate

our airspace undetected,

why can't t*rrorists?

Yeah, we got to get the government

to fix our broken space borders.

Let's go to the phones

and find out what's going on.

Hello, Jersey City. You're on the radio.

Hey, Scott, You still on that all

cookie diet?

Lost six pounds, Goofball.

Shut up!

Look at me!

Oh, hello.

Good morning. Hello, Mr. Hi!

(In Arabic)

Here he is! That d*ck hole

(In Arabic)

who thinks he's in Reservoir Dogs!

(In Arabic) Is he a cop? FBI?

(In Arabic)

No, he works for the f*cking

(In Arabic)

Food and Drug Administration!

(In Arabic)

No way, is that true?

(In Arabic)

Yes! I saw his ID the other day.

(In Arabic)

He acts like Serpico but he's really

(In Arabic)

just the guy who warns you to wash your

(In Arabic)

cabbage good so you don't get the shits!

(In Arabic)

Too much milk, just like you like it!

(In Arabic)

You probably didn't get enough

(In Arabic)

from your mama's t*tties!

(In Arabic)

Go suck your mama's t*tties,

(In Arabic) "Cabbage Serpico!"

[laughing]

Thanking you. Have good day. Yes.

Thank you.

[in Arabic]

Son of a b*tch, f*ck his mother.

[laughing]

[splurting noise]

Oh!

Ugh...

I guess it's not ripe yet.

Uhhh...

Hey, how you doing?

This guy!

All right... Nope? Alright.

Keeping busy?

Hey, there he is.

And there he goes.

Hey, Chief! Ya needed to see me?

Two things:

One, I'm not the chief of anything.

And two, I have never,

and will never need to see you.

So... what do we got?

A non-smoking womb:

Cigarettes and your uterus.

This is what we got, Todecky.

If you don't like it,

maybe you should apply for the FBI again.

I would, but the bureau and I

are not seeing eye to eye these days.

Ever since I got a little too close.

Too close to what?

Passing their entrance exam?

What the f*ck is that?

Completely inappropriate language

for the workplace.

And this...

is a photo...

someone tweeted to us. Some woman

who runs a food truck

with weird looking,

probably Photoshopped, corn.

It's a joke, Todecky.

You can take a joke, can't ya'?

I can take a joke.

As a matter of fact...

here's a joke for you.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

How much?

How much what?

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

I don't know.

But I do know that this is an undocumented

vegetable, and I'm going to find it.

It's out there somewhere.

I'm gonna need that, actually.

[typing]

Buck an ear...

Hah!

So dumb.

G'day, ladies.

Oh hey! It's the artisinal

pickle truck chick.

I wish.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What's the name of your truck again?

Pickledilly Circus.

Do you have the blood sausage

seitan wrap today?

Sure, Wiccan kale on the side?

Please, and thank you.

Oi!

Hello, my lovely.

What have you got back there?

Um... Menopause, Corn?

Mennonite!

Ooh, I'd relish the chance to pickle you!

See what I did there?

Good stuff.

We were thinking of making it into a

corn and beet salsa

but it didn't really work out.

You can have 'em if you want 'em.

Splendid.

Take that artisanal pickle truck chick.

Brie!

[in Spanish] What's happening?

Uh huh... You too.

Haha! You crack me up, mami.

Hey, Brie.

Yeah?

How's that uh... documentary thing going?

Still figuring it out.

You know, uh. I can't tell if I want it to

an Errol Morris

looking into the camera type of thing

or more of a following you around type.

Or maybe it's not a doc at all.

You know, maybe it's like a Humans

of New York type of thing.

Or maybe it's just a series

of oil paintings that I make with my butt.

Mmm hmm.

You know, just put some paint on my butt,

sit on some canvas,

roll around and frame it.

Totally.

You should just go talk to her.

Right... I'm gonna go over there,

talk to her, ask her out on a date.

No, no, no, that's too direct.

Putting some secret messages into the code

that we're working on.

Secret messages? Yeah.

She codes in Ruby

so I think she's going to pick up

what I'm putting down.

Uh huh.

Such an intuitive platform.

So sexy.

Hey, kids. Who's hungry?

I'm hittin' the food trucks,

and my wallet's feeling loose!

Hey, Roger,

is it okay if I leave a bit early tonight?

My boyfriend has an art show.

Sweet!

What medium?

He does found object, uh,

mixed media stuff...

I'm not really sure to call them.

Very cool! Rad.

So is it okay?

Okay? I mean

I think artistic expression is

vital. It's what makes us human.

No... Is it okay if I leave early?

Ah, well, time is just a construct,

isn't it?

So early and late...

they're abstractions too,

you know what I mean?

So...

Yeah, you can leave early. Jeez.

God... why do I even try?

What are you nerds eating?!

Petition signatures, my a*s.

What are you talking about?

She's from Teach for America.

What's she teaching America?

How to dress like a wh*re.

[struggling noises]

[screams]

You seen this weird plant?

You a cop?

Do I look like a cop?

Yes?

Thanks.

So you seen it or not?

Maybe if you buy something

I'll remember,

tough guy.

Hey, this is fun. It's

kind of like Rockford Files.

Alright, give me a hot dog.

Oh, sure.

I'll just get one off of this

greasy, spindly stainless steel thing.

I don't see anything.

No, you don't,

because it's not a g*dd*mn hot dog cart.

It's a hand-crafted

mobile Belgian Waffle Cafe.

Fine, I'll take a waffle.

Great, sir. What would you like on it?

Syrup.

Oh, sure.

And should I also

just take a big sh*t on it?

Keep your sh*t waffle and tell me,

where have you seen this weird plant?

Oh, I remember now.

Yeah, I think the pickle guy had one,

which pickle guy was that, Ramone?

Was it Pickle Down Economics?

No. Maybe, uh, Cuke of Earl?

No, he died.

Really?

That's so sad.

Was it the l*sbian one? Closer to Brine?

No, but speaking of lesbians,

this little lady here, that's Gem.

She and her partner, uh... Lulu

they run the Food Truck Food Truck.

Okay, so tell me, where is this

Food Truck Food Truck?

What the f*ck do I look like? Google Maps?

All right...

[bullhorn] Ladies and gentlemen,

[bullhorn] players of all ages,

[bullhorn] dig if you will,

[bullhorn] The White Duke!

Whoa!

Well, my old friend Paul Todecky.

Haven't seen you since Mathletes.

Long time, Kev.

No, I dropped that sl*ve name.

It's all white Duke these days.

So what brings you to my kingdom?

Kings have a kingdom.

You're a duke.

So what do Dukes have?

Duchys!

-Really? Duchys?

-Yep.

So what brings you to my duchy, Todecky?

I'm looking for something.

Well, I hope it's a tailor,

cause you look like a Blues Brother.

[bullhorn] Yah burnt!

[laughing]

So what do you want?

I'm looking for a weird vegetable.

Well, if you want something from my duchy,

you got to kiss my ringy.

No, thanks. I'm hypoglycemic.

More for me.

I ain't seen it.

It worth money?

No, but it's ill*gal.

-And if you eat it, it might make you sick

-Hah!

Don't worry about me.

Only thing that I eat these days

are these damn fine

Belgian waffles...

and p*ssy!

I'll have powdered sugar and cocoa.

Thanks, Ramone.

[fabric rustling]

[message notification]

[fabric rustling]

[message notification]

[fabric rustling]

[message notification]

[fabric rustling]

Ray Ray, this... is... something.

Hey, Jody.

Sorry, babe,

she's an important critic.

So this sculpture.

Sculpture, please, Brie,

don't be reductive.

I'm a painter who paints with the shed

husk of post-millennial consumerism.

Right.

So... this... piece?

I was trying to illuminate the plight of

the defacto sl*ve laborers

of so-called emerging countries.

What's it called?

Sock c*ck.

So I saw this weird thing at work today.

One of the toilets had, like, a glow.

Probably something in the water.

NSA trying to keep tabs.

On our poop?

The last frontier of personal privacy.

Well, I'm going to tell maintenance

because I just think it's...

Oh, please, Brie...

Do we have to discuss your participation

in a corrupted capitalist hegemony?

No, you're right. I mean

this is your event,

and I want to be supportive,

but I was thinking maybe after

we could go back to my place...

Yo, Ray Ray! Where dat after-party, son?!

Brie's place!

Really?

I thought I'd just be tonight.

Brie...

you're being really proletarian right now.

I guess it's cool if they come.

Um...

what time?

We'll be over later.

Gotta hit up the store first.

See? This is why you don't need money.

Some sl*ves to the class system

just provided me

a whole bottle of gin

with at least an ounce left in it

AND two thirds of a miso soup.

Hello?

Someone's coming!

This is completely legal, madam.

Once you throw something away,

you forego all claim to it.

It's all in my Tumblr manifesto.

Don't worry. I'm not with the authorities.

Are you hungry?

I've got some leftovers for my food truck.

Yeah, that's great.

It's nice to get food before

it gets that dumpster smell.

It's quite all right.

I'm glad I found you.

I've been looking for somebody

to give this to.

Waste not, want not.

This is awesome.

I feel like Europeans really get

my philosophy, you know?

Despite the fact that you

continue to support

that ridiculous monarchy and everything.

No offense.

None taken.

Thanks again.

This really made my night.

I'm certain of it.

Great DJ'ing tonight.

The mixing part was really good...

or dope.

Probably.

[In Spanish] This is your place?

[In Spanish]

What are you, rich or something?

Sorry, I didn't habla that?

Or abla... I don't know.

I dropped out of college

and I was going to do Doctors

Without Borders,

but it was just such a commitment.

So, I took a sabbatical.

You know back-packed, and...

Wow, you can hold your breath

for a long time.

Any idea when Ray Ray

is gonna be back,

or where he is, or...?

Everyone!

The bounty of a decaying

economic construct!

[cheers]

Some pomme frites in there, I think.

Brie, baby

see if you could whip something up

with this while I say hi to everyone else.

Uhh, can I talk to you for a second?

[exhausted sigh]

What now?

Just all these people in my parents place.

I know, I'm really embarrassed

by this apartment too.

It's a really crass display of wealth.

I'm only crashing here until I find out

if my documentary

got into South by Southwest.

So?

So, in the meantime,

I can't let anything happen

to any of their stuff.

Baby...

you're doing your parents a favor.

Your stuff just ends up owning you.

And I don't disagree...

but, you know.

It's like the piece I did about the slow

disintegration of capitalism.

Which one was that?

Bottlecap Buttholes.

Right. With...

all the butt holes.

Um...

Ray Ray, it's just

your friends are always here

and I just feel like, you know, you and I

don't really get to spend any time alone.

Are you really still nagging me

about this?

Look, Brie, I know you're really

into our sexual liaisons,

which I find perfectly adequate.

But, I'm an emerging artist,

and my time has demands

that supersede your base urges.

Okay, well, so sorry

I want to be with you.

I'm not cooking your trash.

And me, and my urges, are going to bed.

[in Arabic]

Good morning, regular customer.

[in Arabic] I suppose you will be making

your usual coffee and newspaper purchase.

[in Arabic] You will find

everything in its proper place.

[in Arabic]

Just as you might any other day.

[in Arabic]

Nothing out of the ordinary here!

[in Arabic] Please use caution

as the coffee is quite hot.

[in Arabic]

You are still using too much milk.

[in Arabic]

Are you not all lactose intolerant?

[in Arabic] I am.

[in Arabic] As am I.

[in Arabic] Thank you for

your patronage once again!

Hey, Luis.

I meant to tell you the other day

I saw something

weird in one of the bathrooms.

One of the toilets had, like, a glow.

I'm aware of the situation.

Who else did you mention this to?

Just you. Why?

I don't want anyone to worry.

Some cleaning supplies

got dumped by accident.

It's nothing. Forget it.

Okay.

Well, then, should I just, like,

[door slams]

Go f*ck myself?

Yeah, sure. Cool. Will do.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but can you tell me if you've seen

something like that in the area?

Ahh...

I don't think so.

Nahhh...

Hey, can I ask you a few questions?

Actually, I'm...

wait, I know you!

You're the FDA guy.

Tom... Jones?

Yeah!

Paul Todecky.

Most people call me Todecky.

Brie, right?

Right, right. I, uh,

I interviewed you for that

documentary piece I was doing on GMOs.

Yeah. Did that ever air?

Because I would love a copy.

No, um, I was going to submit it to This

American Life, but then Serial happened

And then I realized that long

form podcast docu-dramas were the future.

So I just... I shelved it.

Awww, you never finished it.

That's terrible.

You were so fired up about GMOs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, uh, you took me on that

weird date to a drugstore.

No, I took you to Charles's

Coffee Shop from Taxi Driver.

They tore it down now and they

put up a Duane Reade in its place.

Right, um. I ordered Altoids

and a SmartWater.

Some advice,

don't take a girl

on a Taxi Driver themed date.

I'm sorry, you're saying

don't do that?

Right. Do not.

Okay.

Great movie, though.

Look, I got to get back to work,

so...

Oh, great! I'll walk with you.

Okay.

So did you finally get into the FBI?

Are you investigating someone?

Ahhh, no. I'm still with the FDA for now.

FBI application's still pending.

But this is an investigation.

Food related investigation.

That doesn't seem like a real thing.

Oh, it's a real thing.

-You work around here?

-Yes.

I am also investigating for a documentary

that I'm working on.

You know, cleaning toilets.

You seen anything weird?

I'm cleaning toilets, so...

yeah.

The other day, I saw one that looked like

someone ate a purple glow stick.

And you didn't call me?

Why would I have called you?

Are you a gastroenterologist?

I'm doing an investigation

on glowing purple plants.

You find glowing purple stool.

There's got to be a connection.

Well, I promise. From now on,

you are my

go-to strange-shits guy.

I wanted to tell the maintenance man,

but he was acting weird.

Weird? Like how? Like...

not himself?

I don't know.

I think I need to see what you saw.

I think we need to get down

into the sewers.

Sewers, uh huh.

Or, you can come inside

like a normal person, you know, without

having to go into a disgusting sewer.

That's another way, I guess

I was thinking we can make healthy candy

necklaces, you know?

Yes, right?

Hey, what's going on?

I couldn't use all the corn you gave me,

so I brought this back.

Did that thing grow?

Yes. Nice and ripe,

like the Thames on a hot summer's day.

Never been. Thanks.

My pleasure.

I like her hat.

I think I could pull it off.

Thank you for agreeing to talk to me

today.

Could you tell me a little bit

about what you do here?

Oh, well, we're developing

this social networking app

that allows you to communicate with people

who are in your immediate vicinity.

That would be right around you?

Yes. It's called I. C. U., the,

the letters.

It's... it's for people that you see,

like, right in front of you.

People at a party, or a bar, or

even someone who's been right there

the whole time.

Why don't you just talk to 'em?

We've done extensive research.

So extensive.

You could live right next to a person

or even work right

next to them every day

and never tell them how you feel.

Our studies show.

-So it's for dating.

-f*ck yes.

Okay, well,

why don't you tell me if there's anything

going on around here

that's different lately?

Well, you changed your hair.

No, not like that.

I mean, something out of the ordinary.

Like, ahh, this

for example.

Have either of you two seen this plant?

May I see that?

Who the hell is he?

Roger Nordquist, I run the Office.

Roger, what's with the tie?

I'm your boss. A tie is customary.

Please return to your workstations.

Thank you.

You like his tie? I got ties.

I heard the FDA was here

conducting some sort of investigation.

I just want you to know

we're happy to cooperate

with the federal government in anyway.

We appreciate that. So,

have you seen that plant?

No, I don't believe so. What is it?

I don't know.

And if I don't know, shouldn't be out

there.

Wow. Must be nice to know everything

about your field, Mr...?

Todecky.

And it's a burden

I live with every day of my life.

Well, if I do see one,

I will certainly call the FDA immediately.

Let me show you out.

Would you mind if I used your restroom?

You'll have to use the

first floor restrooms, actually.

These are closed for cleaning.

You know, you eat from here right

down, right?

Yeah.

Got it.

Thanks.

Hey, Brie!

Twice in one day.

So, how'd it go?

The bathrooms are closed for cleaning.

I couldn't get in.

It's weird.

We usually clean them at night.

Someone must have made a mess in there.

-Oh, yeah?

-Don't.

If it was weird sh*t, I'll call you.

-Let me see if I still have you in here.

-Should still be the same number.

I haven't changed it.

Might be under Tom Jones.

It's under Duane Reade.

Well, still, if you wanna do something

sometime, just give me a call.

You know, we could talk about the...

-I'm actually seeing a guy right now.

-Sure.

Probably take you to some non Taxi

Driver themed restaurant.

He doesn't actually believe in money

or doing things one on one.

It's more of a communal thing.

Well as long as you're happy.

Yeah, I'm totally happy.

Good. It's nice to see you again.

It's nice seeing you too, Todecky.

-You're going to give me a call?

-About the weird sh*t,

yes. Duane Reade. In my phone.

Yep.

Yeah.

Are you sure about the sewer?

I'm sure.

[tense music]

Excuse me, sir. If you...

[knocking]

Who are you?

-Name's Todecky.

-You a cop?

No. No cop.

You're dressed like a cop.

Did you want to be one

like, when you were a little boy?

Yeah, I guess. But I swear I'm no cop.

Oh, why not, man?

I mean, if it was, like, your dream.

Too much of a wild card,

and they don't like that.

Same reason I stop selling

life insurance to animals.

It's just too many variables.

Maybe you should follow your dream.

[knocking]

I don't care

what kind of a flophouse you're running.

It's not a flophouse. It's an Airbnb.

Do you have people in here

illegally subletting this apartment?

-Yes.

-That's a flophouse!

Now get the man in black.

I want to talk to him,

or I'm running you in.

[knocking]

Well, what's your name, friend?

Why should I tell thee?

Because if you going to keep following me,

I want have something else to call you

rather than that

as*h*le who keeps following me.

Fair enough. I'm Jeb.

I've seen thee asking around

about this unusual corn.

Yes?

Yeah. What do you know about it?

Thou would not believe me if I told thee.

Try thee.

Me. Try me.

No... I cannot.

Thou will think I'm verruckt.

I will not think you're [mumbles]

No matter how crazy it is.

I swear to Amish Jesus.

Okay, I am not Amish.

Well, whatever.

If it comes out of your mouth,

I'm going to believe it.

Oh, no, no, I can not.

What if I guess?

Seems unlikely.

What if we both say it at the same time,

-what we think is behind all this?

-Same time?

Okay.

-One, two, three.

-One, two, three.

-The government!

-Aliens!

Wait, what?!

-That corn is not of this world.

-That is not what I thought you'd say.

Here's what happened,

I was finally getting to third base when..

Hey, wait. What the?

[ominous music]

Wait!

Don't, don't you want to hear

what I know of these things?

Jeb...

I don't know if you know this, but

I don't exactly fit in. All right?

You might not know what that's like.

Well, I am a Mennonite.

I just always thought

I was meant for something bigger,

you know, more important.

And when I saw that picture

of those plants, I thought, this is it.

These weird colored p*nis plants

are my ticket outta here.

They do look like man root!

But if I go to the FDA with that,

they're going to laugh me out of a job.

The FDA. It's one step above shoveling

animals off the side of the highway.

No. Count me out.

No, but I, I... I must have help.

You're modern world is...

is strange to me with... with your

compact discs and your, and your gelato.

No, no, no. I must.

You have to help me. You help me out!

[slap]

-Aah!

-Ohhh!

[in German] God in heaven!

I'm am sorry.

I... ohhh.

[in German] Please forgive me.

Ya' kick like a mule.

I understand that reference.

I've never slapped anyone before.

Was it really painful?

It was kind of empowering, actually.

I'm still not believing any of your

government bullshit.

Look, look. Forget what I said, all right?

Who cares what caused the...

the fiery ball in the sky?

The government, aliens, a vengeful god...

I will take thee to it and

thou can see for thyself.

Fiery ball...

Like the meteor in the papers?

Well,

I don't read the devil's handbills but,

but yes, this I saw with mine own eyes.

Okay, well,

we got to get one to figure it out.

Tell you what, my horseless

carriage is over there.

Follow me and let me do

the talking, Witness.

Go on, mock my appearance all thou likes.

We're wearing essentially

the same thing, ya' know.

[mysterious music]

...and this Russian hacktivist B.S...

How they gonna hack our eyes?

I don't think so, Wendy.

This is a government cover up,

which explains why they crashed it out

in the middle of Amish country.

No camera phones, no social media

that way, if they come to take us away.

They were speaking about my cornfield.

I was going to bring those

strange alien plants

to market to... to sell to your

confusing hipster people.

But my schnickelfritz cousins beat me

to it. When I caught up with them...

they were no longer my cousins.

I can't explain how,

but they were different.

Changed.

I knew it was the plant,

so I decided to investigate as you are.

Where dost thou think they'll be?

Dunno.

The food trucks are usually lined up

along here, but they're not here now.

Todecky, is this thy personal car?

Yeah. '73 Buick LeSabre. Why?

Oh... it's, it's really old.

[laughs]

Tis' older than my truck.

And I'm... I'm supposed to use old things.

Hey man, this car is from a better time.

Back when you had to be

a bare chested pimp,

or shave your head into a mohawk...

hide a g*n up your sleeve.

Simple.

Used to drive a car like this,

you got respect.

[laughs]

That's...

[laughs]

Oh...

I do not think so.

[sighs]

This music...

Ugh!

It's terrible.

The singer, he sounds like a...

like a goat giving birth.

I worked really hard on this.

[keys in door lock]

[gentle piano music]

Brie, you're home.

What's all this?

Is this all from the trash?

What?

No, this from a Greenmarket.

I thought I'd cook you some dinner.

You've been working so hard lately...

we haven't really had

that much alone time.

Hah...

Um.

This is... so nice.

I.. I'm, I'm speechless.

You deserve it.

Why don't you take a load off until

dinner's ready, maybe take a nap?

You must be tired.

Not that tired. Why don't you

come lay down with me?

But you look tired.

-I do?

-Very.

It must be exhausting documenting

human suffering while cleaning urinals.

Well, I am kind of stressed but,

I'd really rather bone to be honest.

Go lay down.

Everything's gonna be ready very soon.

Fine.

[synth pulse]

[synth pulse]

That thing got big.

[ominous synth music]

[music builds]

Something's not right.

No guys walking around with a big

boa constrictor on their shoulders...

Well, that's strange.

It is all strange to me.

Thy women... just walking

around with their hair uncovered.

Just out in the open. It's hot.

Oh, can I see that photo

thou hast been showing around?

Yeah, take a look.

Oh, yes, hah. I know them.

These are two of the l*sbian women

who sometimes buy my produce.

You sure?

Oh, I remember. Where I come from

one does not often see two ladies

hand fornicating with each other.

Nice wrists. [phone ringing]

Gimme that.

Todecky.

Uh... hey, it's Brie.

I... I found a weird sh*t.

Where are you?

At my apartment, and...

my boyfriend's acting really weird.

Weird, how?

Nice, I guess.

And I, I found that glow again.

All right, get out of there.

I can't just leave.

He's making me dinner.

You have to.

I think that glow might be dangerous.

Get out.

And, Brie,

if your boyfriend took that sh*t?

Yeah.

Stay away from him!

Meet me at your office in half an hour.

Brie?

[subway noises]

If you see Edie, just don't tell her.

Who cares? We tossed her corn.

It doesn't matter.

She's not going to cry about it.

I just think it could be considered

offensive within the community.

Where the f*ck are the other trucks?

Where is everyone? Yeah.

Why isn't anyone lined up?

Normally would be slammed by now.

Hey, what's going on?

Where'd you get all that Mennonite corn?

Where's yours?

Ahhh, we were into it

before it got real popular.

Gave ours away to Edie

from the pickle truck.

Which pickle truck?

Brine of the Times?

I forget. Um, maybe Smirkin' Gherkin?

It doesn't matter. Take this one.

Ahh, no we're...

cool.

That was weird, right?

Lulu, start the truck.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

Lesbians!

What the f*ck, man?!

It's me, Jeb, from the market.

Quickly, follow us!

Look at this menu.

Absolutely nothing is pan seared.

Is there anything vegan?

I can't find the chutneys.

-I'm not seeing anything locally sourced.

-It's farm to table.

That's what I do.

Would all of you just stop

your gibberish? You two,

I've been looking for you for a while,

ever since you uploaded

that picture to Instagram.

I oughta bust you right now

for trafficking in ill*gal vegetables.

Is he a cop?

FDA, and he's really sensitive about it.

Look, something weird's going down.

We all gotta share information.

Great idea.

Let's table it.

What if we all left here

and went to the tapas truck? Small plates!

Ooh, how about the Korean truck?

Kimchi truck!

They're all changed.

They've been podded... They're podoids.

I do not like that name.

Well, regardless,

you're going to eat with served to you

because it's sourced

locally by a sweaty chef in the back

named Fausto with long fingernails.

The usual?

-Yes, please.

-Everyone else?

[in unison] Coffee.

Oh, my.

[in Spanish]

How lovely. There are six of you

[in Spanish]

and you only get coffee?!

[in Spanish] Don't bother...

Can you just please speak f*cking English?

-What?!

-Not okay.

I... I am so sorry.

I'm really tired.

[in Spanish]

She's under a lot of press... pressure.

[in Spanish] Hey, Fausto.

So...

What do we know?

Meteor crashed.

Strange corn inside.

Glow from the toilets.

People talking on the subway...

Talking to each other... on the subway.

They're aliens.

See? That's what I said!

Not aliens.

I think like a virus,

or something like that.

Everybody is acting weird.

And not just Williamsburg weird.

-Different, weird.

-Alien weird.

Not aliens.

Ray Ray was being so nice.

He bought food from a store.

It's a long story.

You know,

this reminds me of the episode of TV

I once saw. Scheinfeld,

I believe it was called.

Everyone Met

a bizarro version of each other.

Bizarro, huh? [chuckles]

Ehhh.. lot of Jews on that show.

None of us eat any of that corn, right?

-No, we were going to.

-But we just gave it away.

Come to think of it,

I've been seening them around a lot lately

-Like at my job.

-All the food truck chefs had them.

Oh, my Goddess,

are we spreading it around like HPV?

Possibly, but

no one around here seems different.

Maybe it just spread to places that,

you know, cool people go.

Yeah, no offense, but this place is too

gross to even enjoy ironically.

So the invasion might be isolated

in pockets or neighborhoods.

Makes sense it would hit

Williamsburg first.

Hipsters love to be into stuff

before everyone else.

Why not being snatched by aliens too?

You guys,

are we being anti-immigration here?

Good point.

They might just be looking

for a safe space.

Hey, I'm from here, all right?

And I watched this neighborhood change.

Anything that wasn't catering to rich

white people got pushed out.

I'm not going to let that happen again.

So do we go to the cops?

With what?

We got to get our hands on

some of these plants,

take them to the FDA, run some tests.

My boyfriend is one... Has one?

We have one of those pods

back at our place.

He left it on our bedroom.

You don't have to raise your hand, Jeb.

Oh, I would like to retrieve my things

from the Airbnb

-before the meth using persons take them.

-That's a good idea.

You, me, Brie, we'll go get

your stuff and her pod.

We'll lay low. Text when

we're ready to meet up.

Better yet, don't leave a trace.

We're all on Snapchat, right?

Yeah. Yes.

What?

I like to put the filters on my face.

Look...

Die Schlampe!

I'm wearing wh*re's paint.

Nancy, can I get a box?

[in Spanish] wh*re.

Thanks.

It's sweet.

[laughing]

Okay.

If I do not return,

please delete my browser history.

You know what? Just,

just destroy the phone if you would.

I'm really not supposed

to have that.

One hour,

my office,

don't be late.

[ominous music]

Welcome back, Jeb.

I hope you've had a pleasant day.

You must be tired.

[music intensifies]

Dost thou need help with the trash?

Okay.

All right.

Well, it has been really fun,

but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to

check out early, so...

[music swells]

You sure you don't want

me to come up with you?

It'll just be weird

with my boyfriend up there.

I got it.

You're just worried he's

going to catch you with an ex.

Ahh...

We went to a Duane Reade together.

If that makes you my ex,

then so is my grandpa.

So just sit here and wait,

and I'll be back with your alien fruit.

It's a vegetable.

Probably.

[creepy synth music]

[alien scream]

sh*t!

[suction noises]

[struggling noises]

[beeping]

[alien wailing]

[pop]

You got the pod?

Just drive.

Okay.

Hey, anybody seen a Mennonite?

Dressed like... me

basically.

Mr. Todecky. Good.

I need to see you in my office.

I thought you said

you never need to see me.

Things have changed. This way.

No thanks.

Why not?

Because you're infected.

Because you're all infected.

Look at this place.

You're employees

of the federal government.

It's after 5 p.m. and you're still here.

Obviously, my friend has had some sort

of run in with a pod plant horror show.

And you don't find that a little funny?

[laughing]

Oh, Todecky!

Thou will never believe what I just saw.

You could definitely stop saying that now.

I'm going to believe everything.

And you!

Oh, they goo'd thee too, huh?

Thy clothes...

all... clingy... now.

Jeb.

Huh? Oh, sorry.

Lot on my mind.

It's okay. Follow me.

Okay.

Oh f*ck.

[fire burning]

Get in!

What happened back at your place?

Well, a starfish shaped space

toddler hatched out of it

and try to attach istelf to me

like a guy in a band.

What's your story?

They were all... changed.

They... they tried to restrain me, but I

I fought my way through.

All fifteen of them.

I used

anything I could hold as a weapon, bashing

and slicing my way out.

It was horrifying,

yet...

Yet pleasurable as the as the sweat

of my labors mixed with... with the

wet of their entrails.

I'm born again, friends.

Baptized in alien blood and, and made new!

[laughing]

What about Snatchers

as a name for the creatures?

You know,

because they snatch your body?

I don't like that name.

Let's try to think of something better.

In the meantime,

we're going to need a new sample.

And if your work is Alien Corn Central,

then we know where we gotta go.

I can't believe

I agreed to come down here with you.

Is that sh*t?

There's sh*t everywhere.

I thought you were a maid,

you can't be afraid of a little sh*t.

I'm not a real maid.

Or a real filmmaker either... I don't

know. I'm feeling kind of rudderless.

Yeah, well, that's why you date jerks.

See, you gotta figure yourself out first,

then you realize you deserve better.

You mean someone nice who drags me into a

disgusting sewer

filled with rats and hepatitis?

Why didn't you bring Jeb down here?

Well,

if anybody's an alien, it's probably Jeb.

You heard him. He's dropping

his Shakespeare talk.

Besides, you know, the building.

This has nothing to do with the last time

you suggested coming into the sewer?

It's not some boyhood

f*cked up fantasy of yours?

I just wanted to come down here is all.

And I am not disappointed.

But I gotta confess,

now that we're down here I just...

I think it's unlikely we're going

to be able to find our way up from here.

What?

Yeah,

I just figured it'd be like in the movies.

You know, shimmy up a big pipe. But, turns

out it's just a bunch of narrow pipes.

You as*h*le.

I agree to come in this sh*t

river with you and your plan was

Hey, let's just go into the sewer

end of plan?

Hey, I had the part about going up

the pipe, like in the movies.

No, no. If it ends with the words,

'like in the movies, '

it doesn't count as part of the plan.

This is just like the FDA.

You went in like such a bad a*s

but you didn't have a plan,

and you ended up running off

like you sh*t yourself

during the school play.

Hey, that's over the line, okay?

I run a little funny because

I have a sports hernia from sports.

Right. Well, we're doing what I say now

and I say is we're getting out of here.

Brie, come on.

Brie... wait up.

Brie? Hey Brie!

Todecky, that's the weird glowing sh*t.

Only there's so much.

What part of the building is this under?

The old generator room

but they replaced it

so no one ever goes down there...

except the cleaning staff.

Well how did you get down here to clean?

With my keycard.

Why didn't we use that?

Because you had such a huge

g*dd*mn sewer b*ner!

That's why.

I hardly think this is my fault.

Look, the glow seems to be coming

from the drain in the floor above us.

So you think you could boost me up?

Maybe.

[metal scraping]

See, what'd I say?

-Just like in the movies.

-Shhhh.

It's Snatchers HQ.

I hate that name.

Can't we call 'em Podsters?

Or The Taken?

It's like a grow house down here.

Yeah, only they're not growing weed.

They're growing an army.

Listen, we gotta

[door opening] Shhhhh.

What is it you wanted

to show me down here?

There's no WiFi.

Just keep your eyes closed

and let it happen.

Finally. I'm going to blog

about this later, if that's cool.

[kissing noises]

[squelching]

[screaming]

He got corned. It is time to go.

No. We're not running and

leaving all these pods.

We can use those cans of gas.

Say no more.

[liquid pouring]

[match striking]

[match fizzling]

Must have got wet from the sewer.

[footsteps]

Do you smell gasoline?

Intruders!

Save the pods.

We'll deal with them later.

I think we lost them.

Okay.

You guys are seriously stinking up

my truck.

It's true. You smell.

Well talk to Super Mario the

sewer lover over here.

We need a change of clothes, a safe place

to regroup and figure out our next move.

We should go to the police.

All right, that's it.

It's time to call in a favor.

I know a guy down at the bureau.

Which Bureau?

Census Bureau?

Indian Affairs?

Hang on. That's funny.

Special Agent Devereaux?

This is Paul Todecky.

I'm going to need some backup.

[garbled]... Todecky.

Yeah, you gave me your card!

I had to mail you your handkerchief.

Crying, right! See? You do remember.

So listen, there's something weird going

down. I got some inside intel and...

Hello?

Hello?

Guys...

they got to him.

I think they infiltrated the FBI.

Wow, Todecky. Wow.

As embarrassing as that was,

and that was the single most

humiliating moment I've ever witnessed.

I think you probably have a point.

Alright?

If I was one of those things,

I would infiltrate the cops first.

Well then who can help us?

We gotta get some help

from outside the law.

[Lenses by Heiruspecs begins]

So how do you know the White Duke,

Todecky?

Yeah, he's super famous.

Everybody loves him.

Oh, except the ASPCA.

They don't like his sled dogs.

Well, we grew up together

back in Williamsburg

before it was being gentrified.

Just two Polish kids hanging out.

Then he got a little weird.

He got weird?

Yeah, I love his retro vibe.

This is retro to you guys?

Don't you mean thee guys?

What?

Your speech, it's changing.

You noticed! It's working.

You see, I realized I can't go home again,

so I have to try to make a new life here

in this world.

Are my eyes playing tricks on me?

Do I see Paul Todecky up in my crib?

Am I trip pin?

Wait!

Let me ask my boys if I'm trip pin.

Is daddy trip pin right now?

Is daddy trip pin right now?

No?!

Todecky's really here.

[chuckles]

Well, well,

well, well, well, well, well,

well, well, well, well...

Are you done?

Nope.

Well, well, well, well, well, well,

well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

And what do we have here?

Todecky's brought his

whole playgroup with him.

Have you met my crew?

Look, Kevin, we don't want any trouble,

all right?

What are you looking for, Todecky?

Protection.

Pffft!

Why should I help you?!

Because you and Todecky are friends,

and we all need your help.

Paaa ha!

[laughing]

Todecky ain't my friend.

He never calls me to hang out.

He's been ignoring me since high school.

You didn't even accept my invitation

to connect on Linkedln.

It probably went to my spam folder.

And what about the rest of crew, man?

Do you remember them?

Mathletes?

Dwight!

You forget all your childhood friends

and you roll up in here

looking for protection?

[laughing]

This is serious, alright?

And it's not just about us.

The whole city's in trouble,

maybe the whole planet.

Man... what kind of bullshit

is coming out of you right now?

You remember those plants we were talking

about the other day?

Right...

and I told you I don't eat that sh*t.

Just waffles and pussyyyyyy.

Right, right, right, right.

Well, turns out

they might be from another planet.

f*ck that sh*t.

Aliens, please.

It's true. They're infecting people,

controlling them.

Tell him.

Oh, ahh.

Your Majesty.

[whispering] Get up.

Do... do you remember the meteor?

Yeah.

It crash landed on my property.

The strange p*nis corn was inside.

They took over my village.

I had one of those pods and a thing came

out of it and try to attach itself to me.

That's how they snatch your bodies.

I call them Snatchers.

Great, name. Go on.

They took over all of our friends.

Todecky and I crashed their headquarters,

and they chased us, and

that's how we ended up here.

Kevin...

Duke.

I know I could have been a better friend

to you, and I'm sorry about that.

We just drifted apart.

You know, I went into the law enforcement

and you became an Isaac

Hayes impersonator.

I still don't get most of your decisions,

but I coulda tried harder.

But either way I'm here now

as an old friend.

Just let us stay here tonight,

till we figure this mess out.

Okay.

I heard you out.

Crazy sh*t.

I don't know how you, uh, brainwashed

all these people into believing

your f*cking delusions Todecky,

and I really don't care.

You come to me for protection

for you and your little friends,

and I'm gonna give it to you,

free of charge, for as long as you like.

All you have to do is one little thing.

What?

Kiss my ring.

Oh, f*ck this.

I'm taking my chances with The Taken.

Ehh... Snatchers.

She's right, it's better. It is.

So, what do you say Todecky?

Ready to find out how many licks

it takes to get to the center?

There's a hair on it.

Oh, probably the dog's.

[slurping]

[struggling]

Now that wasn't so bad, now was it?

Yer' still a f*cking weirdo.

You now have my protection!

My men will take you to your quarters

for the night.

If there's anything you require, ring

the gong in your room,

and one of my concierge, slash

prostit*tes, will be right along.

Goodnight.

Oh, by the way, if you're interested.

At midnight we'll be playing

Axis and Allies, the game of World w*r Two

domination, up in my media room.

Thanks, Dwight.

Well...

Yeah, I guess I'll just, uh...

-check the situation here.

-You sure?

Yeah. No! This is sticky.

-What is that? This is...

-It's all right, we can share.

I mean, we've been in the sewers together.

Yeah, right.

Ahh.

Admit it, you liked it just a little bit.

No, that was the worst.

Fair enough.

Still, we got these pretty sweet PJs

out of the deal.

-Pretty...

-Silky?

Yeah, pretty silky.

Look like Siegfried and Roy.

Ya' really know what to say to a girl,

Todecky.

Yeah. You know,

I wanted to talk to you earlier.

I saw you in the park

before all this happened.

Why didn't you say hi?

Ehh, some Park Slope mommy started

yelling at me.

You're such a chicken sh*t.

Brie?

Can I ask you a personal question?

Hiding out from the aliens together so...

open book time.

Well... like...

if I didn't take you to that drugstore...

Yeah?

And, um...

you weren't seeing somebody right now...

He's probably snatched, but, okay...

You know, and we weren't spending

the night in Prince's sex dungeon?

Yeah.

Do you think I'd have a shot with you?

Ahh...

Well,

I used to think you were a little weird...

but now that I see how weird weird gets,

you seem

relatively normal in comparison, but

probably not.

Ouch.

Okay.

Plus, really, right now in my life

I'm just looking to bone, so...

mainly dating for looks.

What?

I know it sounds awful and it's

hugely disappointing on so many levels,

but it's true.

I don't know what I want out of my life,

but I know

I want it to include some serious rough

boning with some hot a*s dudes.

So if they're an as*h*le,

like it's not the end of the world.

It's pretty blunt, Brie.

Luke Skywalker was nice,

but everyone wanted to bang Han Solo.

Well, yeah, But you know,

just because Han Solo's

a bad boy doesn't mean he's

necessarily better at boning.

You know I bet if Luke had a chance with

Leia he would have, you know, really...

Uhhh...

-They're siblings.

-No I know they're... well, now... but,

-Yeah. Yeah.

-And I'm not... that's not my thing.

No, no. Yeah, um...

-Just want to be clear.

-Yeah, yeah. No, I know.

Don't try to be something that you're not.

You know, just if you're a Luke,

be a Luke.

There's plenty of women out there

that like that. Especially older,

bearded, Jedi Master Luke.

Kind of has, like, a older college

professor thing going on.

Brie, I know I'm not a lot of things,

but I can speak without

a drop of uncertainty and knowing full

well that tomorrow we could be walking

skins suits for aliens.

If you let me,

I will Han Solo you like

you've never been Han Solo'd before.

Hey, we're all pajama buddies.

Yeah.

You guys, something happened in me

and Gem's bedroom.

-Something beautiful?

-Step off that.

I heard something

from someone... I don't, I don't know.

And I found this.

That's the same purple goo stuff

from my apartment.

And the Airbnb.

-Which means that...

-One of us got corned.

Well,

Brie had that goo all over her earlier,

how do we know she didn't get taken?

Brie wasn't in your room,

she was with me the whole time.

Nice.

Jeb, you got all gooed up today, too.

Oh, sure, blame the single guy.

It's not my fault I'm here alone.

I got c*ck blocked by a meteor.

Where'd you learn that

phrase, bible school?

[arguing]

-Hey hey hey...

-[arguing]

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it, you guys. Stop.

This is exactly what they want.

They want us paranoid

and fighting amongst ourselves.

We have to calm down

and think this through.

She's right.

None of us can really vouch for any other.

We've all been away from each other,

at least for a while

at some point. So it could be any one of

us... or the Duke, or his men.

-Where are they?

-Recreating World w*r II in his media room

Don't you listen?

Let's concentrate on who's in this room,

okay?

We need a way to test

to see who's an... Overtaker.

God, Snatcher.

We need a test to see who's a Snatcher.

I know a way,

but none of you are going to like it.

No purple glow,

-you're good to go.

-Makes perfect sense.

Sure, it's

no problem for the sewer fetishist.

Hey, I don't have a sewer fetish.

I just went down there

because it's offbeat and forbidden.

That's like the definition of a fetish.

f*ck this.

I cannot do bathroom stuff

in front of other people.

This is like gym class all over again.

I was bullied!

Look, if you guys have any other idea

to tell who's who, I'm all ears,

otherwise I hope you had your fiber.

Let's not be rude about it.

Honestly, I'm just excited

to be using indoor plumbing.

Okay, so who's first?

Your idea.

[mellow lo-fi music]

[toilet flushing]

We have to see it, Jeb.

Right, yeah...

I got more.

It's not glowing.

-No, I know, but...

-I don't need to see this.

That's some weird a*s sh*t, Todecky.

Really?

How often do you eat

at the dump that you took us to?

Every day.

You should see a doctor.

It's that bad?

[screaming]

Don't.

Lulu is gone.

I even had you fooled, didn't I Gem?

Soon there will be no distinction.

We will become you

and you will simply cease to be.

Okay, just let Gem go.

Your species has remarkable

empathy for one another,

which is stupid.

[gasping]

I am so sorry, Gem.

[struggling]

[g*nshots]

Oh god, she's dead.

[g*n c*ck]

I don't care

if they're from outer space or not.

Nobody comes into my...

why can't I remember this?

What is it again?

Duchy.

Thank you.

...duchy and starts sh*t!

Check this sh*t out.

[g*nsh*t]

Todecky!

I am very sorry.

[g*n click]

Safety's on, we're good.

Guys, we just can't go in there

and sh**t up the place.

There's way too many of them now.

Plus,

no one else seems to see what's happening

and the cops think we're murderers.

So we need to figure out another way.

[microwave sounds]

What is he doing?

That's my microwave.

What?

It's not the electric clothing dryer?

I put my underwear in there!

Oh, dude...

The one in my apartment exploded.

These things

are really susceptible to microwaves.

So what are we supposed to do,

lure 'em into a bunch of microwaves? Send

out a message to meet up at PC Richards?

No.

We need to figure out a way

to hit the building. Maybe

take them all out

without firing a single shot.

But where

do you find a giant microwave?

Space satellites?

Cooking schools?

Live radio broadcast is done

through microwaves.

If we could find a broadcast tower

down near south fourth,

where Scott Shannon does his radio show.

What?! He says what we're all thinking.

If we could find a way to get up there

and redirect the dish down at the nest,

we could turn that whole place

into a huge tub of popcorn.

For Lulu.

Yeah, for Lulu. [dogs barking]

Greco, Roman,

What's wrong boys?

They found us.

[crowd yelling]

We got to get to the truck.

[g*nshots]

[crowd yelling]

-Let's go, now!

-I'm staying.

This is my house in my hood,

and I'm repping it

'til the end of it.

You want some of this m*therf*cker?

Take it! Take it, you f*cking b*tch!

Take it!!!

Somebody's chasing.

It's the pickle truck, lady.

The French Pickler?

No, the other one. It's none of them,

they all got corned.

All your pickle friends are gone.

Now hit them with something.

What is this?

It's Kimchi. Lulu made it.

This one's for Lulu.

Yeaggh!

[glass breaking]

[laughing]

[in German] Holy crap, eh?

I really have to learn

some English exclamations.

I am very proud of myself!

[laughing]

Good morning, America. It's Scott and

Wendy on the radio

Is that it?

And today we are doing it

caffeine free!

How long that'll last, who knows?

Now it's a broadcast facility,

so security is bound to be tight.

Brie, I'm going to need you to distract...

Todecky, It's a radio station.

There's no guards.

No one's even listening.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Until you said something.

I forgot radio even existed.

-I don't think I have a radio.

-Are you f*cking with me?

They're joking everyone

I know owns a radio.

-See?

-See?

Okay, enough. Let's get to the roof.

All right, let's split up.

Gem, Jeb, you guys go that way.

Me and Brie, we'll go this way.

Shout if you find the stairs up.

We almost had a moment back there

at the Duke's, right?

Yeah. That was something.

Almost.

Seems like a shame, what with us about to

die and everything...

that we didn't... explore that.

Are you trying to hook up with me,

like now?

Now, with all this sh*t happening?

Jesus, let's go already.

These all look the same, and we still

haven't found the stupid stairs up.

Should we call them?

Great.

Jeb? Jeb?

Gem, is that you?

What are you doing here?

The last time we saw you,

you were going full Rambo

to protect your home.

Did you see how many of them

there were out there?

Besides, I can replace a lot of that

memorabilia on eBay.

Why were you guys doing all that sh*t

at me while I was following you

-in the truck?

-That was you?

-Oh, man. Sorry about that.

-It's cool.

Let's just get to the roof.

There has to be stairs up. Maybe

a custodial office or something.

And keep your eyes open for Jeb.

That turd got himself lost, or I did.

Gem, I should have told you

this before,

but I'm really sorry about your loss.

Yeah,

Yeah, I really can't believe it.

I'm dying inside.

It must have been really difficult

for you.

Everyone

I know spends all this time

trying to be someone that they're not.

But Lulu,

Lulu was happy with who she was.

Who can say that anymore?

I think I could make you feel better.

Not the time, dude.

[squelching] You son of a b*tch!

Shhh, don't fight it.

Don't fight it.

It'll all be over soon.

Brie, what are you doing?

Ray Ray?

That's not him.

It's me. New and improved.

Brie, I realized

you're the most important thing to me.

Brie...

I want to do more stuff together...

Like, sexually.

The really, really weird stuff

you're always begging me for.

-Brie...

-Shhh. Let's, let's hear him out.

You know, I'll quit

art and go back to male modeling.

Just... please... let me

All right, enough. The lady's with me.

The aliens have super strength.

What?

-It's okay. I got this.

-Wait, hold on.

He's right, Todecky.

He's the new and improved Ray.

But I can still do better.

[g*nsh*t]

FfffffffFUCK.

Where's all the alien goo?

-You f*cking shot me!

-You're not an alien?

He's not an alien?

-There are aliens?

-Yes. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, you're just acting so weird.

You made me dinner with stuff you bought.

I just got that stuff of a Meals on Wheels

truck.

I was trying to wine and dine you...

so you could buy me Coachella tickets.

Wha.. what about the weird...

glowing sh*t in the toilet?

I didn't...

Oh, Jodi came over.

Your important critic,

ex-girlfriend, Jodi?

-You're a real d*ck, Ray Ray.

-Owww!

But I guess I'm glad you're

not one of them.

Thanks.

So... so there are aliens?

Yes!

And I am so sorry about that misunder...

sh**ting.

If you're not an alien,

how did you track us?

Find my iPhone.

You gave me your Apple ID

when I bought those Against Me tickets.

It was a rad show.

[panting]

I found the stairs, so...

Who's this guy?

[elevator chime]

[elevator door]

[crowd noise]

It's so many stairs.

-So, wait, you're kicking me out?

-Yes.

Dish is over there on that tower.

You go.

I'll stay behind.

Really?

Yeah. You f*cking shot me,

I need medical attention.

Sorry.

I'll stay too...

-to, to hold them off.

-We gotta go.

Bye, Ray.

-I'm Jeb.

-I'm Ray Ray.

-Hi.

-Hey.

Guess we might die, huh?

Yeah.

[chuckling]

Well, still nice to meet you, Jeb.

You know, it's nice to meet you, too.

Has anybody ever told you you have

really... nice hands.

Oh, trashcan moisturizer.

Third base.

Okay, that'll do. That'll do.

[cracking sound]

Look who I found.

-You guys okay?

-Yeah, yeah. Good.

Violence!

All right, let's do this.

Wait, Brie,

what if we just talked to them first?

-What?

-Yeah...

-try to work it out.

-There's no time.

They're gone, Todecky.

Don't resist.

Things will be much better

once we're in control.

You'll see.

We've taken over countless worlds,

inhabited the bodies of every species

imaginable.

Without question, humanity is the worst.

Believe me, this is an upgrade.

It's not your fault.

-You just don't know any better.

-You're right. We don't.

We don't know any better.

We make irrational decisions

in the face of overwhelming logic.

Should I have gone to medical school

like Heidi Ronson?

-Yeah, my mom was right about that.

-Brie...

Now I make documentaries

earning minimum wage, doing a job

I'm frankly not even qualified to do.

The thing about me, thing about humanity,

is that we just don't know any better.

We do what's right for us

even if it is incredibly stupid.

Right!

That's what we're saying.

Yeah, people are stupid.

We fail FBI test

after FBI tests over and again,

but we get up, and we take that expensive

Caplan test prep course and we reapply...

even if we're actively discouraged

from doing so by those dicks

at the academy registrar office.

You're just saying what she said

with different unflattering

specifics about yourself.

One, you don't know that I wasn't talking

about someone else...

and two, humanity

always has an ace up its sleeve.

f*ck.

f*ck yes, redemption.

Jeb, you made it.

I've got two fists:

Dairy, and Creamer.

Creamer is smooth.

So silky... YAH!

You'll never see her coming.

Dairy's a big heifer

who will kick you if you wrong her.

We're lactose intolerant as a species.

[laughing]

Even Better.

Jeb!

Don't.

God forgive me,

I used a microwave!

[loud crash]

[windshield breaking]

sh*t.

Can you hurry?

[distortion sounds]

Point it at the building.

Our very first guest is a very funny guy..

Friend of mine... Joe Piscopo.

Good morning, Joe.

Ahhh... we're off the air.

Now that is a lot of fire.

That is a surprising amount of fire.

[small expl*si*n]

Yeah.

We should go.

Yep. Yeah.

How do we know if we stopped them in time?

...and the blaze has been contained.

Authorities claim the same

Russian hacktivists, who we all know

orchestrated the meteorite hoax,

are also to blame for this fire.

They got to Scott Shannon.

It's bigger than

we thought. What do we do?

Just keep driving.

...in a nearly unanimous vote in favor

of universal governmental consolidation.

How this will be implemented

is yet to be seen, but UN officials

I think we should stick to the back roads.

Stay away from I-10.

Meanwhile US lead NATO corn shipments

continue globally while at home

Turn him off.

...an all time low of .4%

Sign says they don't open for 30 minutes

so...

What you want to do?

[in Spanish] Let's bone.