01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Punk rock. I listen to punk rock. You

guys shut up. I will not shut up. I don't

see what the big deal is. The big deal is

we listen to funk. We listen to funk

before we go to bed. And you knew that.

So help me God, if you both don't shut

up, I will run this car into a telephone

pole. Do it. Do it. Do it. I will.

Suggesting that we change up our nightly

ritual the tiniest bit Instead of funk,

why can't we listen to funk rock Hey,

guys, wait up because David, the

difference between funk and funk rock is

like the difference between night and day

Michael you know what you're doing you're

being presumptive Hey, here's a

compromise Instead of listening to punk

rock, why don't we listen to punk rock

That's what I. Just said.

Ohh God, Oh my God. You said you wanted

to listen to punk rock. I'm saying we

listen to funk rock. OK, fine. Tonight

we'll try listening to funk rock. Agreed.

On.

Could you please keep it down if there?

We're trying to get some sleep. Shut up,

old man. We'll make as much noise as we

want. Please. We need to get up for work

in the morning. Have jobs. What?

We can't hear you. The music's too loud.

Every night with you guys, it's the same

thing. That's not true. Yeah. What about

last night? Could you please keep it down

if they're trying to get some sleep? Shut

up, old man. We'll make as much noise as

we want to see. It was exactly the same.

No, it's different. He said old

maid you know a ULD

like old Lang syne.

You forgot.

That's it. We're calling the landlord. Do

it, do it, do it. Do it. Do it,

Do it, Do it, Do it, old man.

Hello. Hello. Mr. Mueller? Yes. Ohk. OK.

Mr. Mueller. Goodbye. Mr. Mueller. Who is

that? It was Mr. Mueller, the landlord.

He is such a n*zi, Michael. Not all

Germans are Nazis. That's not my

understanding, you guys, he said he's

coming here in 5 minutes.

Yay.

You guys, we have to clean up the

apartment.

It's Mr. Mueller. Let me in.

Man.

The door is locked. Let me in. We can't

move. We're in a tableau. You're going to

have to let yourself in the keys under

the rug.

There is no rug. No rug. You know what

I'm remembering now? I took the rug to

the dry cleaner. It was filthy. It was

filthy. David, our bad Down the rugs, the

cleaners. You're going have to go get it.

Here's the ticket.

OK, here you go. That'll be

$25.

We need to talk. Mr.

Fry, it's good to see you done.

Great done.

Let's get you in the eye. Let's get

you cleaned up there. Done your best on

what's this you considering I'm a sea.

Don't dig in. Get comfy shoes off. What

are you doing?

This is tea tree oil. And you

smell that? That is wonderful. It's

wonderful for your immune system. Don, I

am going to give you a deep

tissue massage. How? How's that done?

Nice. Is that good? Done. Done. This

is some nice burning sage. Hey, Don.

I'm going to dim the lights a little, get

a little ambiance going. I think that

might be a little too much, Michael.

A little too bright. Can you

split the difference right there?

Perfect. That is perfect.

Perfect. Really.

Yeah, ohh.

Umm.

Guys, stop. I came here to

tell you you're evicted.

Effective immediately. So, yeah, Don,

when were you thinking you'd like us

to hit the road? No, I can

see that this discussion is going in

circles. So we're going to go now.

OK, Great seeing you. Bye, Don.





Oh my God, you guys.

Hey, guys. Hey neighbors,

how you doing? We're fine, still living

in the same apartment. Do you mean

since yesterday?How

are you guys? We're good, really good.

Really. Because we heard you were

homeless?

Yeah, we heard you were

sleeping in the dump. No

way. That is too funny.

Too funny. We should probably

get going. We have some

business to attend to. OK,

See you guys. Wait,

wait, wait. We're definitely not

homeless, but we have these friends. And

the friends, they are homeless, Yeah,

they're just friends, and they're really

desperate for a place to live. Would you

happen to know? Why don't you tell your

friends to check the real estate section?

Yeah, sure.

My name is Libby Green. I'm the exclusive

broker for this Co-op. Hi, Libby, I'm

David. And so the unit

has 3000 square feet, three beds, three

baths and a nursery. Ohh. Well, we

wouldn't be needing a nursery. Actually.

Michael, Michael, he's kind of a crybaby.

I am not a crybaby and are you

about to cry? Michael? Can we please

discuss this out on the terrace?

Don't mind that. It's

fine.

What are we doing?I

don't know.

You really embarrass me in front of

that one, Michael. I'm sorry. I was

making apologies. I was making a joke.

It wasn't funny, Michael. It wasn'tfunny.

I know we just met you, but I'll

do anything to be with you. I'll leave

my husband, my kids, baby, baby. I'm

sorry. I can't. You know I want to

tap that asks, right? You know that?

Just it just it wouldn't be right. But

I love you. Shut up. Just

shut up. It's over.

Wow, what have you? We'll take

it. OK. OK, excellent. The Co-op

board meets tomorrow and as soon

as you're approved, we'll close the

deal. Sounds good. Ladies and gentlemen

of the Co-op board, all black,

you are here to consider our

application. Now then, why should you let

us in your building? We'll answer that

question with a question of our own.

David, next transparency, please.

Ohh excuse me gentlemen. Yes,

Sir. You have a question? I do.

Why are you dressed like skunks? Ohh, no,

no. If I may, Sir, we're not dressed

as skunks, we're dressed as skunk people.

Yeah, well, that seems a little strange.

Guys, would you just excuse us for one

second?

You guys, I told you the skunk tails were

a bad idea. I think you really liked

them. He hates them. Everybody hates

them. Why do we even wear the skunk

tails? I know. I know. I know. I know.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen. I'm sorry, we're

just not convinced. Sir. Could I just

ask, was it because of the skunk tails?

No, we love the skunk tails. We're just

not convinced that you are the right

people for this apartment. Well, maybe

this will convince you.





It's obvious now, we are convinced

you've got the apartment.

Now just about us a check for the

purchase price of $3,000,000 and we'll be

on our way.

We don't have

this money.

Look.

Apartment for rent 3 bedrooms

called Don Mueller. That's our

old apartment. Back

to us. That's it. What's it, David? Do

you still have that friend who makes fake

mustaches? Jerry Meadows? Yeah, of

course. But I don't see what that. Trust

me. Just trust me.

Really.

OK. You have my

number, right? Yes. You

got any questions you

call me. Can I

help you, gentlemen?Yeah,

so allow me to introduce myself.

My name is ohh, damn it.

A name. I'll. I'll Barry. No,

I hate Barry. Barry. Stupid. My

name is Michael Ian Black.

Pay no attention to them. We are

three mustachioed business tycoons and we

would like to share an apartment.

Business tycoons? I like the sound of

that. The last guys who were here

didn't even have jobs.



You know, I haven't laughed that hard

since my last business transaction.

Ohh, we heard there were some business

tycoons up here and we're just coming

to say hello. Oh, oh, bonjour. So

shall I tell you about the place?

That won't be necessary. We'll take it.

We'll take it. Great development is

yours. Awesome new neighbors.

You guys. Oh my

God I think I'm having a heart attack and

you can't breathe.

What should we do? He's not breathing.

Ready to operate. Somebody get me a

butter knife and a straw. Should we call



says. Are you guys doctors? They're not

doctors, they're *******. Alright, this

is what I need you to do. Get near the

room and get yourselves comfortable. It's

going to be a long night.

Don't have a family we should call?

You didn't have anybody. Such a tragedy

when you have no one to share your life

with.

Shut up.

Oh my God, what have I done? I

have to go.

Baby, what are you doing now? Let

me just shut up. Shut up for

one second. Something happened to me

today that made me realize that that

life is so. Very precious and I

am not about to give up the best

thing that ever happened to me. I'm not

going to let you go living, not without

a fight. I love you, David. I can't

leave the door lid.

David, do you know my husband, Edward

Norton? Not personally, but I'm a fan.

Ohh. Hey, hey, come on in, man. You're

going to catch a cold out there. Can't

you can dry off in here and you can use

my shirt. They'll say somewhere I have

some open heart surgery to perform.

Hey.

Well. It was

real touch and go there for a little

while. But.

We think he's going to make it.

Oh my God,

stop. Guys,

you guys.

He's dead. We lost him.

Hi, good morning.

Ohh God, why?

Good job guys, way to k*ll the

landlord.

A great man died here today and it was

our fault.

Actually, he wasn't so great.

Who are you? I'm Elliott

Morgenthal from the Leventhal Foundation.

And that man was no

landlord. He wasn't. Far from

it. The man you knew

as Don Mueller was known

to the world as. Doctor Joseph

Mangala, a famous n*zi w*r criminal who

escaped into hiding after the w*r.

Your botched open heart surgery

was an ironic and justice

and to this monstrous life.

As a reward, the foundation is going to

pay your rent for the next three months.

We also have some other gifts for you.

This is a toaster.

Here is a Wicker laundry hamper. It's

from Pier One if you need to

return it or anything like that. And

here are some fleece polo.

Ohh, thank you,

thank you.

That is too funny. Too funny.

I'm so happy everything worked out and we

got our apartment back and now we're

going to celebrate by going boogie

boarding. I don't want to go boogie

boarding, but you said we could go boogie

boarding. I brought my flipping. I swear

to God, if you guys don't shut up about

the boogie boarding, I'm going to drive

this. Look up a Cliff. Do it well, do it.

I don't like boogie boarding if the waves

are too choppy. I like the choppy waves.

I just like to ride the wake. Wake is

good. It's also fun just

to write in this speedboat. Not boogie

board at all. A lot of

times when I'm golfing, I just like to

ride in the cart, you know? Like to do

back spins. Umm, have you ever tried wind

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