01x02 - Campaign

[bunniefuu]

OK, that's done. Now what do we do? I'm

bored. Well, we could eat breakfast

again. No, I'm so full of musically right

now. I could not. Possibly we never have

any fun. What are you talking about? We

have fun all the time. Ohh really? Name 1

fun thing we've ever done. David, I defy

you to name 1.

Hey, hey, I'll settle this. I'll settle

this. Let me check my Ledger.

Here yesterday. First we ate breakfast,

then we took out the coffee. That's not

fun, that's all. God. Ohh hold on, hold

on, hold on. There's got to be something

funny in here. Day before yesterday and

breakfast. Cleaned out the rat traps. Ate

breakfast. Organise the juncture 8

breakfast. Worked on the gutters. And

he's right. We never have any fun. God,

with the lamest guys in the world. No,

not anymore. From now on, we're gonna

start having fun. Yeah. Let's go

skateboarding. Wait, we can't. We don't

know how to skateboard. Who cares?

Skateboarding's fun. Yeah.

Guys.

Hey, Bob, see me laying my kick flip?

There's some guys. It's against the rules

to be skateboarding in front of the

building. I'll come back because it's a

safety hazard. Gee, where's? Come on,

Bob. I'm sorry, guys, but as president of

the residence board, it's my

responsibility to make sure that the

buildings rules are enforced. Yeah. We

get.

Laundry.

Guys. Hi mom, what are you doing?

My Laundry by BOB-1 play.

Look, I hate coming down on you guys all

the time, but I can't have you thrown

what clothes all over the place. Besides,

it's not even your laundry. Ohh. No, it's

Bob. It's like we can't do anything

around here. When you're inside your own

apartment, you can do whatever you want,

but in the public spaces of the building,

you have to follow the rules by Mr.

Zookeeper. We'll go back to our cage.

What is it this time, Bob?

Building sucks, we can't have any fun.

Bob Feldman in this stupid world, this is

the worst place to live. Never

move. Move, move,

move, move, move.

Umm.

Hey, guys.

Hey guys, what's with the long faces?

That you've been moping around here for

days. Bob Feldman's got his Buddha farm

poopers. Michael, if you don't like the

way he does things, elections are coming

up. Why don't you run against him for

president of the board? Yeah, right.

That's a laugh. And 1/2. No, Michael, you

should. You'd be really great at that.

Yeah. You think so? No. I was just

kidding, freak. When you smell like

chicken Nuggets, let's get out of here.

These guys are ruining my buzz.

The unmitigated gall of those girls. If

you want to change things, run for board

president. Yeah, right. They think

they're so funny. So funny. I forgot to

laugh. I remember to laugh, but I didn't

because it specifically wasn't funny.

Yeah, like the great Irish potato famine

when they said that it literally was the

great Irish. Potato famine was such a

great family. Love that. Can I say

something though about the nature of

tragedy? I think it's so sad. I don't

like my definition. Tragedy is sad. Oh my

God. You know, like wars. I've never been

a fan of tragedy. That's

with the 60s were all about like people

don't understand. Like that's what we

were doing back then. It's like when Bob

Dylan said I have a dream. That's what he

was talking about. What about Madonna? I

mean, is she like a virgin or is she the

Material Girl? I mean, this girl's had

more reinventions than Thomas Edison. You

know, she's had more boyfriends than

Madonna. I like English muffins. Totally.

Let's go to that board meeting. OK,

Alright, so. That sounds best. Now,

assuming there's no new business, I guess

I'll adjourn the meeting. Not so fast,

Bob. Ohh. Hi guys. You have something you

want to say? That's right, Bob. I would

like to state for the record that we, the

tenants of apt #3C, are having no fun

living in this building and we're fed up

about it. This building

needs new leadership.

And now I would like to yield the

remainder of my time to my steamed

colleague. Must believe World w*r. First

of all, I'd like to thank my dear

friend from the third floor for his

gracious introduction. Thank you, Karen

Sue. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Gentlemen, Can you please?To

the point, I nominate Michael Ian Black

for president of the residence for I

accept your nomination to serve as

president of the residents for about a

fight, no matter how long, no matter

the cause here. You've got to be

kidding this point forward, Bob. I

mean, you can't consider next week's

election 2 man race.

Here here.

God, that was the stupidest thing we've

ever done. I am freaking. It wasn't

stupid, Michael. It was brave. I am so

proud of you. He's never gonna vote for

me to replace Bob Feldman as resident

board president. I'm sure they would if

they knew the real Michael Black. Really.

Do you think so? Absolutely. I know so.

But we have to educate them. We have to

build them the greatest. And paying this

buildings ever seen? Really. Yes. But

it's not going to be easy. First thing

you're going to need is a crackerjack

campaign manager. You know something? You

are absolutely right. Will you be my

campaign manager, Michael? I don't know.

I would be willing to give it a try,

David. Let it go. OK. I just don't want

things to get out of hand. You guys.

Politics is a dirty game. I'm not sure we

wanna play. Mikey, I need you. What do

you say? Once more into the old breach.

Just like Dunkirk, old boy. All right,

I'm in. That's the spirit. Wait a minute.

What about me? What am I going to do?

Leave the coolest job in the world, Dave.

In turn. Yeah. Interns are great job.

You'd be great at that. Yeah,

that's like the best job in the world. I

wish. Honestly, I wish I was an intern. I

really, Really. Are you serious? Because

it sounds kind of lame. Kidding me. Do

you wanna switch? Cause I would switch

lane. Seriously. I'll switch with you.

And do you want to be the campaign

manager? Because I'm like dying candidate

to be. You could be the candidate. No,

no, guys. No, no, no. I want to be the

intern. I want to be the intern. Be sure,

because I really want to be the Internet.

You sure? No. Yes, I'm sure. I want to be

the Internet. OK, Coolio. Alright,

listen, why don't you go get us some

lunch, OK, Dave, we have some work to do.

And we keep the receipt.

Mr. Schwartz. Hi there. I'm Michael Ian

Black, and I am running for resident

board president. I've got a product like

here's your coffee. Hey, I have this idea

for the campaign. What if we print up

bumper stickers? Is this whole milk,

David? Ohh. Yeah. Well, they just said 2%

was out and so. So you go to a different.

Coffee Shop David.

Oh, oh, oh, no. Don't you ever

embarrassed me in front of the candidate

again. Do you understand? Yes. Now get

out of here. Go.

What was that about? Nothing. Nothing you

need to worry about.

Right. Hello. Hi, girls. Looks like

you're doing a little campaign and, well,

I don't really have a choice. Those guys

seem motivated and organized. Ohh. You

don't have to worry about them, Bob.

Yeah, they're *******. They couldn't

organize a sock drawer. Ohh.

Where is that opposition research I asked

you for? I want to know everything there

is to know about this guy, where he eats

his dinner, what kind of toothpaste he

uses. I sweared. Bob Feldman gets a

hemorrhoid. I want to be the first person

to know. I like this bronzer more of

that. Something you need to talk to you

about some of the polling data. Bad news,

we're a little weak on the 5th floor.

Ohh, they'll come around. Hey Shirley, do

you think I should wait? And you guys, I

have an idea for the speech tomorrow. Now

hear me out, okay, Beer in the water

coolers. Would that not be the most fun

thing ever? Who is this? Who is this? We

can't have you in this area. Do you mind

just waiting? Yes, you mind. You guys

have been treating me like dirt ever

since this campaign started. Well, you

know I can't take it anymore. This power

has turned you guys into monsters. Take a

look at yourself in the mirror. You've

changed. David Wade.

David. Rethink for

tomorrow.

David. Hey, Bob.

So that was the only person in the

building who did their laundry at this

time of day. Now my laundry, it's theirs.

Seems like you guys are running a pretty

tough campaign up there, I guess. So it's

just, it's just I have all these great

ideas and they never even listen to me.

I'd be interested in hearing some

of your ideas, David, really you

would, absolutely.

You know there's a better way that you

can fold that. Let me show you do this.

And then you do this, and

then underneath and then on top

and over. And you see that

you're amazing. He did. Why don't

you come to Shabbat dinner with

me and my family tonight? We'd

love to have you as our

guest. I'd like that.

The choice for resident board president

couldn't be more clear. Michael Ian Black

wants to spend building funds on a

Hawaiian theme party. Bob Feldman wants

to fix the roof. Wants to fix the

roof. Michael Lee and Black likes motor

scooters. In six years as resident board

president, Bob Feldman has never once

stated his opinion about motor scooters.

Never stated his opinion about motor

scooters. Bob Feldman. Out of touch, out

of ideas. Let's put him out of

office. I'm Michael Ian Black and I

approve this message. I think.

I think it's good. I think it's damn

good. It gets Bob Feldman right where it

hurts. You know what I mean? Yes. I mean,

it's sack is wrinkly old sack. Tomorrow

at that election, we're gonna run Bob

Feldman out of town on our rail. Yeah.

Damn it. I'm out of ginkgo biloba again.

Where's the boy? Boy Michael. He's not a

boy. It's David, our roommate. Did you

turn on me? We're skating on thin ice

here, Mikey. If I fall in, we all do.

Boy. Umm, great

Kreplach Missus Feldman and the Rugelach

was to die for. I mean, what I'm

saying is this is the best Jew food

I've ever had. David, come with

me to my office. There's something I'd

like to show you.

David, have a seat.

What's up, Bob? Everything OK,

David?I

need your help with something. What is it

Bob?

What are you asking me to do, Bob?

Nothing you don't want to do already.

Become who you are, David.

And.

Come in.

Hey. Burning the midnight

oil there, Mike. Yeah, probably catch a

little shut eye. Tomorrow's a big day.

Yeah, I'm just going to look at this

latest batch of focus group numbers for a

couple more hours. But thanks for the

concern. We appreciate the support.

What the hell are you doing? Trying to

shake a little sense into that, Scully?

Yours. What are you talking about,

Michael? Don't you see? It's not about

those stupid little numbers of years down

there on the floor. It's about what's in

here, Your shirt. What's inside your

shirt, Mike. No. Your heart, Michael.

Your heart. But this campaign's got you.

We turned around. I'm not sure if you

know what that is anymore. When we

started this thing was about having fun,

but I've got something to tell you.

I think our friend David is having too

much fun right about now.

Nearby. You're real idealist, my kid.

That's why I love you. But while you're

singing the Hallelujah chorus from your

ivory tower, I'm trying to win an

election down here on the ground and down

here. It's dirty and it's hot and it

stinks like it stinks. So while I

appreciate all the pretty poetry, I'd

appreciate it even more if you've got the

hell out of my office.

Now.

Hey, what's up, Wayne? Hey, what's up?

Like you and me, we've been Bros

for a long time, you know, and

like, well, I owe you a big

fat juicy apology because lately I've

been acting like a there's no other

way for me to say this. Real

horses, patootie and well. I'm sorry,

I'm really sorry, because I'm all about

being Bros. Good morning. Who's ready to

make history? Hey there. Good to see

you again. Thanks for your help. Let's

go. So what do

you say? I will still meet you

and me? Or still meets? Sure, I

guess. OK, bye.

So, in conclusion, I promise to perform

the duties of board president as I

have done for the last six years.

And with that, please help me welcome my

opponent, Michael Ian Black.

Come on, come on. Speak from the heart,

Mikey. You know I was gonna come up here

today. Read this fancy speech I

had written. Then I was going to stop in

the middle, crumple it up, throw it away,

start speaking from the heart. Yes, but

I'm not going to do that. I'm going to

read from my prepared remarks instead.

Good afternoon, my name is Michael

Ian Black building 8 simple letters

that spell out why you should

vote for me.

BB's for beautiful.

Our building is really beautiful.

You that's pretty good.

In you, all of you

who live in this beautiful

building, I.

Intelligent. I'm really,

really intelligent. Take him out,

do it already.

Love, love this

Building D.

God forgive me, I think we should have a

disco ball in the lobby.

No.

Damn, this is over.

And his ideas will live on.

When I talk. k*lled my

friend. No, Dave, I'm OK. But Mike, what

are you doing? I thought, David, it

wasn't me you shot. It wasn't. No. You

shot a robot that I built after Showalter

brought it to my attention that Bob

Feldman brainwashed you to assassinateme.

Umm, there are forces here at work that

you couldn't possibly understand. You

have no idea how high up this goes.

Well, how did you show up to figure

it out? Well, Dave, I wasn't sure at

first, but when you came home from Bob

Shabbat last night, you said something to

me. Go back. That really caught my

attention. Has a suit, Mike.

Let's go. Yeah. You won't be saying that

after I k*ll you. You picked up on it.

That's brilliant. Yeah. I'm actually

writing a book about it. Really. Who's

publishing? So preliminary? And I

shouldn't even be talking about it. But

Harper Collins might fit.

Ray, that is over the moon. Ohh.

I'd love to see you guys now

that Bob's going to jail. You won

the election. No thanks, Jennifer.

There's only one vote that I care

about. Still friends. You guys. Yeah,

it's unanimous.

Ohh yeah.

And now, as I die, I

finally know what it means to

be our love.

Hey, did you guys hear about Bob? He was

g*ng r*ped and stabbed to death in

prison. That's horrible. His family must

be devastated. No, his wife remarried and

the kids are flourishing. They're moving

to Boca. Wait

a minute, are you guys the real

Michael? Michael and David, Are you just

a bunch of robots again? Ohh, no,

foiled again. Uh,

ha, ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha. The

Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Closer

to your world than you are.

Does the president still drop by?

He was bilaterally. Really. Yeah. Came

out to the house. Wouldn't that?

Does he know?

Coming up next on Comedy Central this

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