01x06 - Meeting Girls

[bunniefuu]

It's Friday night. It's Friday.

Ohh,

right.



Hey, Susie, it's Michael Showalter.

What's shaking you? Piece of bacon? Are

you busy tonight?Oh,

no, that's OK. Bye. Hey, Veronica, it's

Michael Black, you know, from the malt

shop. Listen, I'm free tonight. Wondering

if you want to hang out. Oh.

Oh, I see. That's OK. Dear Marnie,

I haven't seen you in a while,

and I was wondering if you'd like

to get. Together tonight.

Ohh no I

understand.

This is terrible. Friday night, no date.

I feel like a real square face that you

guys, we're losers. I'm just going to go

rub one out and call it a night. Well,

you know what? You guys can do what you

want, but I didn't spend $6 on aftershave

to sit around here feeling sorry for

myself all night. I'm a man, damn it, and

I'm going to go out and meet me a woman.

A smart, sexy woman with great

big ovaries and fallopian tubes. What

do you say? We say OK.

I can't.

Good.

Hey, David, you were right. This place is

jamming on. Yeah, you don't take your

baked potatoes in here because I see a

few things I'd like to stuff. OK, you

hose bags. Let's party.

Ohh.

Won't you get out of here, you stupid

freaks? Something tells me we're not

wanted here. I have an idea.

How are you?

Black. I love the 80s.

Get the hell down from there.

Yes.

Listen.

Susan. Wilson, Robert.



OK, I saw you looking at

me. Yes. Are you looking at

me?What's your name?

I'm Michael. Ohh. Bless her name at

the same time. Hey, hey, hey. You

remind me of fast food. Ohh. Yeah,

watch that because I wanna take you

out. Oh my God. And then I

wanna eat you in my car.

I saw you up there. You're a really good

dancer. I know. I was a dance major at

Oberlin. Really. No.

I like your tat. Thanks. I

did it myself really. I like

pain.

Hi, I'm David. Yeah, I don't date

Jews.

So you have kids? Yeah, two boys and a

girl. I really think you've loved them.

I already do.

I want you inside me.

Come on you guys, let's blow, let's play.

Sucks we're never going to meet any girls

here.

Guys. Probably

go, it's really late.

Well, I'm tired. I'm probably probably

hit the road.

Got to hand it to you Dave, going out

last night meeting girls was a great

idea. I've never been happier in my

entire life. Hi baby. Honey, you're so in

love. God this is the best feeling. I

feel like a newborn baby lamb fresh out

of the womb is still covered in

afterbirth. Ohh God I am dripping

placenta all over the place right now.

Guys, that's gross. That's because you've

never been in love. How could you

possibly understand? How can I explain

this to you? The air it's. Theater

in taste. David, this

strawberry is like nectar.

Davis, This Melba toast

is like nectar. Golly.

Talking, talking, talking, talking.

Talking. How are you dude? How are you

doing? Honestly, I'm a little worried

that you guys are going to end up

spending so much time with your new

girlfriends. It's going to jeopardize our

friendship.

That would never happen. They never

happened. OK, OK, OK, alright.

Hey, honey, how about that nature walk

now? Coming, baby Michael, Excuse me

dipping. Here I come, honey.

Good morning, David. Morning. Morning,

Caitlin. OK.

OK. Always use a downstream. Never

go against the grain. They can I can I

come back in a minute?

We.

Damn it. Where is my vitamin pills,

Michael? Yeah. I just, you know, you want

to know where the OJ? I put them down

the drain. That's where I did what? Why

would you do that? See. Cause they're not

vitamins. OK. Hope you understand that.

Shut up. You just shut up and you're

drunk. I am. I hate you.

Gemma. Gemma opened the door. Please,

please, honey, don't forget we have the

parent teacher Conference. And don't

forget to pick up the dry cleaning. I

know, I know. And I wanna talk to you

about that Candy, because I noticed those

things that I don't know what's causing

it. To be

here.

Quite the man to see my children. Now you

want to see the children? Where have you

been? I have Court order, visitation

rights, family. We talked about this. You

can see the kids whenever you want. You

just here we go.

The man I want, you wanna see

man You wanna see real man, real

man. Michaelian Black. Yeah.

Have a good day. Hey stop,

I can't take it anymore. I thought I

could handle your new relationships but I

can't. It's either them

or it's me.

So I guess this is it, huh?

You guys are really moving out? Yeah,

I guess so. Ohh. Hey, that's Tamara

and the kids I should probably get.

Yeah, I gotta go too.

I'll call you now if I call you first.

All right. OK, Bye now.

You guys wait.

I've got an

old friend getting

married this weekend.

It does not

seem like. I'll be

there.

I've been training.

Trying.

Take care.

And bless this food and our happy

home. Amen, Amen,

Aaron told me. Mark

up promoted.

Why didn't you get promoted? You've been

at the firm just as long as him. Because

Mark is a blue. Kids, cover your ears.

Mark is a blue ribbon kisser and I am

not going to play that game.

Hey. OK,

I'm out.

Go get more. No.

What? What did you say?

I said no.

Why do you make me do this, Michael? Huh.

Why do you make me do this? Well, you

better start playing that game, Michael,

because the orthodontist bills just came

in and we got ballet lessons, we got

jujitsu, we got a dyslexia tweet, got

mortgage payments coming up the wazoo.

The fishers want to go to Disney

Adjustable rate and the $100.

Welcome.

Eyebrows.

Michael. Michael.

I was just asking you if you think we

need to trade in the Camry.

Emma. I'm going

to go out for cigarettes. Cigarettes. You

don't smoke, Michael.

I am going out.

For cigarettes.

Did you do? What did you do?

Ohh, Michael, how are you? How are you?

I'm I'm good. I'm really, really good.

Yeah. How are you? How's the family?

Great, great, great, great. I I like your

mustache. Ohh yeah ohh yeah, this is it's

fake. So. I

should probably get going. Definitely,

Yeah. Hey, Mike.

Why were no sunglasses bike

no reason?You

go for your sunglasses.

Take off their sunglasses.

I fell down the stairs, that's all.

Is she hitting you, Michael? No, Michael.

I just fell, Michael.

What's happening to us? Seems like ever

since we went to that bar two nights ago,

everything's changed. Well, maybe it's

not too late to change things back.

What are you guys doing here? We were

just in the old neighborhood and thought

I would come by and see the place.

Someone at the door. Who's that? That's.

Jeremy, he's one of my new roommates.

New roommate boy kind of gets stuck in

the throat there a little bit. Do you

think I was going to do live here by

myself? We want to come home, Dave. We

want things to be the way they were.

Well, look, I have a new life now. I

don't know what to tell you. What's going

on, man? Hey, we're waiting in the

kitchen. I made your favorite pecan

sandies. Yum. Yum. Come on, Brian, let's

go.

Yeah, that's right. I'm Brian

now. I think you guys

should go, Yeah, let's go, Mike. I know

where I'm not wanted. I just want to say.

I hope you're very happy. Let's go, Mike,

because. Because you deserve it.

Who was that, Brian?

I was nobody, just some guys I used to

know.



Excuse me, ma'am, have you seen two men

around here? I might have seen two men in

suits. Is that who you mean? Yes, that's

them. Did you happen to see where they

were going? I think they said something

about the airport. The airport? Ohh. You

idiot. There's two airports in this town.

Which one is it? I think that said

something about Municipal Field. Where

were they going? I don't know. They might

have said something about Rome. What

flight? They might have said something

like a Flight 529 leaving from gate 6A

little less than an hour from now, but I

really don't know what. That's less than

an hour from now. I'll never make it.

Thanks for nothing.

My 529 Jerome now boarding.

That's us.

Now boarding Rose 28 and 49.

Can I get you a dessert? Ohh. No, thanks.

I'm in a bit of a rush. I'm sure I can't

tempt you with a hot chocolate souffle.

Yes. OK. Thank you. It does take about 20

minutes. You know what Can you tell the

chef to just keep in mind that I'm on a

schedule. I mean, don't compromise the

quality. But I really have to go. OK,

thanks. Three, just tell him to hurry.

I know where to call for Flight 5.

You guys, Mike, Michael, wait,

don't get on that plane,

Brian.

I know I may not be the easiest roommate

in the world. I mean, who wants to live

with someone who poops 14 times a day?

And yes, so I was the one who stole those

laundry quarters that time. And black

yes, I was sleeping with tomorrow the

whole time you were with her. But none of

that matters right now. What matters is I

want you to be my roommates again. What

do you say?

We sang right

away.

When you walked out that door today, it

was like the sun and all the stars in

heaven walked out with you. We're begging

you. Don't let the greatest totally

heterosexual roommate situation either of

us has ever had get away. Yeah. Jeremy,

Adam, you seem like really great guys.

And in a perfect world, we could even

be friends. But this isn't a perfect

world. In a perfect world, would they

have turkeys? I mean, have you ever seen

turkeys? Like that weird thing they have

on there? I think what Mike is trying

to say is that turkeys have a really

weird red thing on their necks.

A waddle. Waddle. So what do

you say, guys? Roommates. Yes, Brian's

roommates. It's not Brian anymore. It's

David. David, Jacob Wayne.

That's great for you guys, but.

Now we don't have any place to live.

Jeremy, these are two first class tickets

to Rome. If you guys hurry, I think you

could still make that flight.

When you say old friend.

I say Bongiorno Italia.

Come on, you slimy little toads, let's go

home.

I'm putting my hand on your shoulder,

putting my hand on both your shoulders.

You get past security without a boarding

pass. I know. It's weird. Yeah, it's a

weird one.

Adama Sono. Cozy content. OK, I'll

be home with the cheese or

the binary in Italia. See Jeremy?

Yeah. Mommy, Mom, come on.

Manga more Donkey man.

The New Way. Transsexuality.

Italiano Sono and Ultima

Campania. See Caramanico. See

Ragioni, Chuck Mangione.

But our weekends like at the DL, it's

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