01x07 - Camping

[bunniefuu]

Good morning everybody. It's a beautiful

day. It's time to get up, up, up and

go to work, work, work.

Ohh I'd like for work. Gonna miss

our carpool.

Ohh our our boss is gonna

k*ll us. Has anybody seen my

socks? Ohh great. This is just

great. I'm going through my morning

routine.

How are you?

OK, you guys ready to go? Ready.

Ready. Let's go.

Hello.

Ohh God this rat race. It's k*lling me.

I'm so exhausted. I know. I can barely

keep my eyes open. I can barely keep my

pee hole open. My Arethra shut down. Or



guys, what's happened to us? We've become

zombies. Ohh. We're not zombies. Ohh.

Yes, we are, Mike. Like, for example,

right now, I wanna eat your brain. Am I

gonna do it? No. But do I want to? Yes.

Very much. Very much. Did you see? This

is just what they want. They want us to

feel like zombies because that keeps them

in power. Who? Who are you talking about?

The man. Who's the man? The white man,

David. Well, we're white. Look, I cannot

have this argument with you right now

about whether or not we're white, OK? I

am just too zonked to open up that can of

worms. But we are white. You like OK,

show off. There's white and I'm whitetoo.

What you're in after Rude David, Why

can't you just admit it? There's no shame

in it. But be who you are. And

Octoroon. Look, we're all very room,

Michael enough. Now let's just put

this genie back in the bottle before we

say something we really regret. I agree.

You know, guys, I've been reading Henry

David Thoreau's book on Golden Pond, and

in it Henry talks about how we need to

commune with the land, You know, get back

to nature. I think a weekend camping

would do us a world of good.

The three of us, alone in the wild, with

nothing to keep us alive, at our wits.

Boy, this is great, huh? Yeah, the three

sunshine, the Gophers. I could go for a

snack right about now. I'm going to pig

out. Ohh. Why don't you be a dear

and help us build a campfire? Quit

horsing around. Hey, did you guys ever

touch your dog's?North.

Because I thought we were talking about

animals. Let's

go camping. Yay. OK.

Oh my God, we're lost. Oh my God.

I'm getting cold, Auntie. I smell fresh

bread, Auntie. Ohh, man. Game over, man.

What are we going to do? Wait, I've

got it. They say the wind always rises

to the east, so our car must be.

That way, great, what a relief. Wait

before we go. I think we'd move a lot

faster if we dump all our food, clothing

and camping supplies. Good idea.

Over here. Stop. Now. We're even more

lost than we were before. Can't you see

that? But my fingers said. See your

finger can't tell your asss from your

elbow, Mike, you guys, we have no choice

but to set up camp and spend the night

here and hope to God that somebody finds

us in the morning.

I'm cold. I'm

hungry. I'm David.

That Henry David Thoreau guy sure was

wrong. I mean, who's stupid? I'm Henry

David Thoreau. I write books. If I ever

see that guy, I'm gonna kick his asss as

F. Well, look on the bright side, guys.

At least we're not being attacked by a

big grizzly bear. David behind you. Yeah,

like I'm gonna fall for that one.

What? There really is a grizzly bear

behind me, isn't there? Worse go.

What are we gonna do? I heard that when

you get attacked by a go, you're supposed

to play dead. You're supposed to make

noise. No. Play dead. Make noise. Make

noise. Noise, noise. We can do both. We

can make noise by playing a dead song.

Come on. Ohh

are you guys? It's not working.

Ohh.

Easy boy.

Easy, yeah.

He's going to RIP them to shreds.

Go back to your kids, Elijah. These

men mean you know all.

Go, go.

My God, you're amazing. Where'd you go to

school? Ohh. Wait, don't tell me.

Dartmouth, right? Do you know a guy named

Matt Stover? He was a tried out real old

soul. I am one with these woods, and

these woods are one with me. Yeah, that's

great guy. Listen, we're kind of lost

here and this is our only map. So

you think you could help us out? I

can return you to your vehicle, but it

will be two days hike through rugged

terrain. It grows dark. We must make camp

and light a fire for the night. We'll

embark tomorrow. Any questions? Yeah,

just one. The code. Is that j.crew?

Because it's really cute. Yeah, we have a

little bit about what color it is. I say

it's split pea soup. Is it split pea

soup? I say it's Moss. No, I say it's the

color of envy. Please tell me it's split

pea soup. No. Moss, Moss, Moss, Moss. Is

that gentleman?

It's split pea soup. Yes, I knew it.

We must make fire. We will need

dry wood.

How's this?

Duraflame, yes.

It'll do.

Wow this is really fun.

Mountain man. Nature is fun

like ***** but it can

also be dangerous like fire

*****. These woods are very

powerful. I've seen them turn

civilized men into savages.

Never happened to us, mountain man. Or

could it? Why don't we all turn in for

the night? Tomorrow is going to be a very

busy day. Mind if I play a little music

before we hit the hay? Why not at all,

David?

These woods will provide us with

everything we need for our journey now.

That will teach you how to hunt. No way.

I'm gonna wait a second. I know I can

hunt, but can Mike hunt and Mike hunt?

Of course. No. No, but you

say it, Mike Hunt.

What are you guys laughing at? All I

said. Was Mike Hunt.

Now, what's so funny about Mike Hunt?

Alright enough.

Now we're going to be hunting the wild

Turkey. The first thing you should know

about hunting Turkey is how to do the

bird call. I'm going to demonstrate.

Now you guys try it.

You and I are both singing the tenor

part. Yeah, and since I'm a natural

tenor, I wonder if you wouldn't mind

singing the baritone. So do you know what

do you what do you singing? I'm singing a

sea. OK, so I'm just gonna pitch down to

a all seeing a.

Gobble, gobble, gobble gobble.

Ohh.

Yay, yay.

Bring it on.

Good.

This is the Hunting Crouch.

That Turkey can sense your every

movement. Hey, here's the Turkey shows

a real Turkey right here. I

am not a Turkey, David. I'm

just, I'm not a Turkey. Michael

is just a joke. Seems very

funny. Ohh God.

Barf. Come on, get your hands off

of me, David.

Really.

I'm really sensitive. I know.

Come on. Come on.

Wait, you guys do this? I see when I see

a Turkey. sh**t it, sh**t it.

Oh my God. You just shot the mountain,

man. I thought it was a Turkey. I swear

to God. What are we gonna do? Call

Marcus? Call Marcus. Marcus. I don't

know. I don't know.

Umm.

You guys, he's still alive.

Why did you do that? It was either him or

us. Mike, what are you talking about? You

guys, we have to call the cops. No cops,

Dave, Not on this one. What are you

talking about? We have to call the cops.

I said no cops. Hey, don't do anything

stupid. Mikey. Put the g*n down. Mike,

why are you pointing the g*n at me?

David, I'm trying to help you. You know

it's weird. Put it down. Put it down.

Put it down, put the g*n down.

I live in Providence. Down.

Come on, you put that

g*n down now cry 1.



Now what are we going to do without the

mountain man? We're totally lost. How are

we going to survive? We're stuck here in

these woods without anything to eat. I

have an idea.

Well, I have the fruit.

Pretty good gaming. This section is

delicious. Don't throw away the bones OK?

I want to make a stock later OK?

I've seen these woods turn civilized,

man. Service.



Guys, what's happened to us? Pretty

pathetic. All we wanted to do was

go. Camping. And now look at us. We're

nothing more than savages. Well, after

what we did, k*lling that mountain man in

cold blood and then making a bully a base

with the leftovers. Well, that was

delicious. By the way, you never did tell

us what the secret ingredient was. That

is cumin. Cumin. You know what it is? You

have you. You're you're very good in the

kitchen. No, you are. I learned it from

my mom years ago. It doesn't matter. You

should develop it. It's wonderful. I'd

love to develop my piano. That's what I

wish well that you have a gift for you

really do you do you have a very musical

tool around a bit, but I I never David,

you can play any any popular song just by

by listening to it. One note. It is. I

know chords, but you know, put a piece of

music in front of me. I can't even there

they are. Get him.

Oh.



What are we doing?

I don't know.

Oh, oh God.

Think we lost them? We did it, yeah.

Umm.

Ohh, don't be frightened. We're

gonna take you back to

the station, get you cleaned

up. Looks like you've been

through quite an ordeal.

That's.

Come on.



Well, you boys look good as new deputies

are going to escort you back to your

vehicle and you can be on your way, no?

We go back. We can't never go back. Why?

What's the matter? We were lost in the

woods and there was this goat, and the

goat was going to attack us within this

mountain man. He came and he saved us.

But then, I don't know. We shot him and

we shot him and we ate him. And the worst

part is. We liked it. After that,

we knew we could never go back to the

civilization we left behind. We're

prepared to pay our debt to society. And

if that means jail time, well, then we'll

fight it in court, of course. But if we

are convicted and we lose all of our

appeals, well, then we'll serve our time.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen. There's

no need. Why?What, what, what,

what, what, what, what, what, what, what,

what, what, what, what, what, what, what?

That mountain man was my great, great

grandfather. Talking about

he has been dead for

over 100 years.

Some say his spirit still roams

these woods protecting weary travelers

that have goes. It don't make

sense. Now go back to your

kids, Elijah. These men mean you

know you're right. He was just

a ghost. But I don't understand.

We ate him, no. Think

back, what you ate was

hamburgers and French fries.

Hamburgers and French fries are

delicious. Yes.

So then who did we sh**t?

Nobody. A backpacker. His name was

John Richardson. He was a loser.

God, what a relief. What can

we do to thank you? Thank

me? No, we should thank you.

Why? You know, for some people.

The job is just a way of getting

through the rat race. Yeah, tell us about

it. When that phone call came in that

there were some campers missing, it

reminded me and Derek and the female

deputy of why we got into this business

in the 1st place. This job is Our

Calling you 3. Ads reminded us

of that and.

We've got a little something for you

that Derek. It's, it's nothing really.

It's, it's a poncho that we all

did a little work on and we

want you to wear it in good

health, of course. But.

It's still got a little work left to do

on it. We're going to put a hole in the

middle for your for your heads. So can we

mail it to you? OK.

And why don't we just get you guys to

your vehicle so we can?

Yeah.

A little more vino. Ohh I

shouldn't ohh what the heck. So

will we be seeing you lads

camping again soon?I don't think

so, Kevin. Next time we need a break from

the rat race, we're going to go to the

beach.

I thought it was a Turkey,

I swear to God.

Who is Dave Chappelle? Really. Really.

Many faces of Dave Chappelle Thursday at



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