01x02 - Potential Future Spouse

[bunniefuu]

And I love you so ♪

When one experiences

a mildly-traumatic event

I think it pertinent

to bury oneself in one's work.

Here we have

Bacillus anthracis.

Very much like

Bordetella pertussis,

it forms

a calmodulin-dependent

adenylate cyclase toxin

known as─

A presence

was making itself felt.

A djinn?

A ghoul?

Hmm, an undergrad?

Knock, knock.

How did you─

Listen, I told you.

I'm not gonna play

in your group.

We're not in a group.

f*cking hell, we're in a band.

Think The Clash

meets Dickless,

with a lashing of dead Barbie.

- But a bit sh*t.

- Yet totally unique.

We cordially invite you

to be in our band.

Why?

You saw what happened.

Puke aside,

we think you're good

Ish.

Plus, bodily fluids

are less frowned upon in punk.

Punk?

No, sorry, I can't.

- We know what you want.

- What?

"Microbiology PhD student

looking for male,

"medium to devout Muslim,

enjoys mini golf

and stimulating conversation."

- Oh, you're reaching.

- Reaching for the "D."

No, no, I'm looking

for a husband to settle

To settle on to some "D."

- Juvenile.

- Yup.

Listen, audition with us

for Sound Smash,

and Ayesha will set you up

with her brother.

- You know Ahsan?

- Sound─what?

Wait, Ahsan is─

is your brother?

I'm aware of him, yes.

What do you say?

We struck a deal.

The die was cast.

The terms, simple.

I would audition

with Lady Parts

for this

Sound Smash competition,

some battle of the bands

type thing,

in exchange

for a meeting with Ahsan.

Simple as pie.

Hey, it's Ahsan,

Ayesha's bro.

I was wondering

if you wanted to go for dinner

on Wednesday night, maybe?

Yeah, cool.

Bye.

Nice one.

Well played.

It's warm

with a hint of pathetic.

Winning strategy.

I don't understand

why I have to do this.

You wrecked her vehicle,

you owe her.

It was barely even a scratch.

She ain't gonna shut up

until you've done it,

so for both of our sakes,

dine this loser.

She seems interesting.

Not my usual type.

Oh, sorry,

we're fresh out

of manipulative narcissists.

You'll like Amina.

She'scool.

And I love you so ♪

The people ask me how ♪

How I used to live ♪

I tell them I don't know ♪

And yes, I know ♪

Great, okay.

Okay, you know what?

Why don't you just play along

with one of our songs?

Lyrics and chords all there.

Let's do "Voldemort

Under My Headscarf."

Oh, uh, sorry.

Sorry.

Did you say "Voldemort

Under My Headscarf?"

Yeah, you got a problem

with my lyrics?

Your lyrics?

No.

No, not at all.

Uh, I get it.

It's─it's just, um, I'm not

sure people will get it.

- Hmm?

- What do you mean?

I don't know, uh, some people

might find it offensive.

Well, f*ck people

in their eye sockets.

We all contribute

to songwriting,

so why don't you give us

an idea of lyrics

that work for you?

Yeah, okay.

Sure, um, okay.

So, uh, maybe instead of

"Voldemort under my headscarf,"

you could do

"I love to wear my headscarf,"

you know, less

moreyay!

I don't know.

Yeah, maybe?

So like, maybe

I love to wear my headscarf ♪

The lyrics!

The lyrics!

- Calm down!

- She's dead!

Are you mad?

Despite my rocky start

to band practice,

I was feeling fine,

'cause I had a date

with Ahsan.

- Oh, wow.

- I know.

And he messaged you

on the app?

Yes.

Yep, on the app.

I couldn't tell Nora

about Lady Parts.

She already thought

me teaching guitar

wasn't entirely appropriate.

Wow.

I mean,

it's only a first date.

Uh, first meeting.

Sorry. Yes,

first meeting.

What does he study again?

He's doing a masters

in anthropology.

Ooh, and he's a black belt

in jiujitsu.

Although from his voice note

he sounds like a pacifist,

like he would only fight

in self-defence,

besieged on all sides,

or to protect my honour.

You should wear pastel,

a light blue or green hijab,

elegant and fun,

but not too fun.

You should totally pair it

with that nude lip I got you.

Um, I was thinking of wearing

the red hijab

and pairing it

with the pink lip.

The red is my lucky hijab,

so I─

I'm telling you,

do not wear the red.

Brings out your shame.

Oh.

I don't know she's, like,

pure potential,

you know what I mean?

She's just, like, mad skilful,

but doesn't really know it,

a total freak,

but in a really normal

person way, you know?

Yeah, yeah, totally.

She's like really deep,

but in a shallow way.

And she's got lots of width

and breadth going on,

like angles, angles, angles.

- It's all about the angles.

- f*ck you.

I'm sorry.

It's just

I'm jealous of this

Amina person, man.

She's clearly got you

all hot and bothered.

Oh, no.

You're the only person

who could do that.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, but Amina, Amina,

I love you─

- Oh, shut up!

- Saira was convinced

that I was the missing link,

but the others, not so much.

Salaams, everyone.

Sorry I'm late.

Okay.

Meeting is now in session.

- What's going on?

- Why you being all secretive?

We need to talk

band strategy.

Saira is our great leader

and front-woman,

so we've got to entertain

her fanciful ideas,

but we all know this

Amina thing isn't gonna fly

if we wanna get into

Sound Smash.

And what were you thinking?

Lady Parts online presence.

Have you asked Saira

about this?

No, not yet.

But anyway, I'm the band

manager, not Saira.

It's up to me to get us some

profile and get us some gigs.

So yeah, we're

we're going online.

Auntie Saira is going

to be angry.

There is more to life

than husbands, you know?

Ma, please,

I'm not in the mood.

You know, I mean,

you go chasing

all these serious brothers,

but do you ever think

for a second,

will they care for your needs?

- What?

- You know, in the bedroom,

your feminine requirements,

wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Okay, this is inappropriate,

grossly inappropriate.

It is my parental duty

to talk openly

- about the bees and the trees.

- Mm, no.

No, it's not, Ma,

no one's parents do that.

Well, I won't be blamed

then if you run off to Syria

to marry a jihadi because

we didn't have "the talk."

If I ever run off to Syria

to marry a jihadi,

it'll be because I ran away

from you.

No.

Who's marrying a jihadi?

Okay.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Oh, that's really nice.

Thank you.

No worries.

So have you come from far?

No, just, you know,

White Chapel Way.

He was even more ravishing

in the flesh.

I think I saw you

at the fundraiser.

We don't have

to talk about that.

Sure.

So, uh, where are you from?

Where am I from?

That's a big question,

you know?

Where am I from, from?

Where am I from, from?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to─

I know that's really annoying.

- I-I'm just messing.

- Right.

Funny.

- Uh, originally from Iraq.

- Oh.

A descendant

of Babylonian kings, no less.

But I grew up

in Shepherd's Bush.

- Huh.

- I'm a West London boy.

Who knew three simple words

could cause

such netherward stirring?

West London boy.

- You go to Queen Mary's too.

- Mm-hmm.

I don't think

I've seen you around.

Mmm, no.

Um, I haven't really

clocked you either, ever.

Ayesha mentioned you're doing

a PhD in microbiology.

Yeah.

Yes, I am.

It sounds really dry,

doesn't it?

I think it's cool.

What's your area?

Pathogen activity.

I think humanity has

greatly underestimated

the clout of the microbe.

"The Clout of the Microbe,"

what a great film.

What?

It was a bad joke.

Humour.

It's─

So, uh, how's the, um,

anthropology going?

Uh, good. Thanks.

I'm currently looking at

tribalism

and pack mentality

in the modern man.

- This sounds fascinating.

- I think it is.

Marry me.

- Should we order?

- I do.

I mean, we should, yeah.

He's just so beautiful.

How is it possible?

I don't understand.

Okay.

Keep it together, soldier.

- Pretty isn't everything.

- Mm-hmm.

Pretty doesn't pay the bills.

Pretty doesn't feed the kids.

- Yeah.

- Now, listen.

If you wanna close the deal,

you need to show him

you ain't putty in his hands.

You've got criteria.

I do?

- It's really tasty.

- Yeah, super yum.

Uh, so, um, question.

Uh, what sort of thing

are you looking for?

Looking for?

Uh, seeking, apropos of

potential persons of interest.

- You mean romantically?

- Sure.

I don't know.

I guess I'm just looking to

meet like-minded individuals

and see how it goes.

Are you open

to further developments,

vis-à-vis meeting

like-minded individuals?

- I don't understand.

- Marriage.

Are you─are you fond

of the concept?

Obvs, I'm not just saying

that we, you know

General thoughts welcome.

I mean

I have not hitherto sought

any nuptial arrangements

given my current

academic engagements.

Oh, sure.

But I don't find

the institution

morally objectionable

or anything.

You?

Me, marriage?

Yeah, big fan.

Obvs, not like an intense

Kind of way─like, in a

yeah, one day, soon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

More chicken?

So how do you think

that date's going?

f*ck knows.

She might have proposed

to him by now.

She's going in for a husband.

It's kind of intense.

I mean, what's wrong with

wanting to get married?

For one, marriage

was invented by men

as a way of making alliances

with other men.

"Here, marry my daughter

and I'll give you

a couple of camels

and this cheese bread."

Cheese bread?

It's a tool

of the patriarchy.

That's just my opinion.

People should do

what they like.

What do you think about us?

Us?

Yeah, it's been

six months of this,

and I'd like us to be official.

Official, huh?

Official how?

Dating.

I mean,

official capacity dating.

Okay.

Then what?

What then post-official

capacity dating?

It's impossible to have

a conversation with you.

You gotta be

f*cking kidding.

Um, I had fun.

My bus stop is just

over yonder.

Yonder, that's funny.

- I bid you adieu.

- Oh!

I wasn't sure physical contact

was entirely appropriate,

but brazenly, I went for it.

- Oh, okay.

- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Bye!

The evening's events

played in my mind,

repetitious

in nightmarish Technicolor.

Every little stupid thing

I said and did

ripping into my retina

with violent glee until

Oh, sh*t.

How'd it go?

What happened?

Spill your guts.

He was really nice and kind.

He thinks I'm cool.

He hoped I got home okay.

And he wants to hang out again!

This all felt really,

really good.

Sad and lonely spinster

no more.

Desirable male hoped

I got home okay.

You should totally invite

Ahsan to my engagement party.

Really?

It's still pretty early.

Babe, it's fine, you met him

on the marriage app.

He knows the deal.

I'll speak to Imran,

but I'm sure

he'll be cool with it.

Okay!

How'd it go?

Can I get

some privacy please?

- No.

- How'd it go?

- She's nice.

- So do you fancy her?

She's not really my type.

She's intense.

You friend-zoned her, yeah?

She's inviting me

to an engagement party.

- Guess not, then.

- You've gotta go.

He can't go.

That'd be leading her on.

You just don't want her

in the band.

No, I just think

it's f*cking wrong

to deceive her like that.

Even massive dweebs

have rights, man.

Maybe lead her

on just a little,

until we audition

for Sound Smash.

Hold on, no.

That's cold.

Saira, no wonder Abdullah's

on the verge

of a mental breakdown.

You're f*cking heartless.

Friend-zone her.

I'm not heartless, am I?

Guys, do you mind?

- Ow.

- There.

We're official.

I've just officiated us

intoofficialdom.

Okay.

All right.

I'm gonna f*ck off now.

Bye, girlfriend.

Love you!

What's going on?

We don't start

for another hour.

We just wanted to have

a little parlay.

Why don't you sit down?

Go on then, parlay.

Lady Parts

is officially online.

I've put band profiles up

on Facebook, Twitter─

- You did what?

- This is not a dictatorship.

Come on, what's the harm

in trying social media?

We tried your Amina thing.

How many times do we have

to go through this?

The Internet is where

creativity and truth go to die.

Ugh.

If you put our music online,

it'll be ripped off

by "insert corporation here"

to sell Pop-Tarts and iPads,

to fentanyl-sniffing infants

with the sole purpose

of lining the pockets

of Silicon Valley technocrats.

- f*ck that!

- Yeah, f*ck that!

- Bro, seriously.

- No, I'm sorry.

Listen, we'll audition.

We'll get in.

And we'll find our audience

by playing.

We'll take our music

to the people the purest way.

Well, you don't get

to the audition

if you can't pull a crowd.

We need a following.

No.

Take us off now.

We've already got

30 followers.

Look at them.

They're us.

Younger us's when

we didn't even know

Peeps suckers even existed.

This is temporary.

As the days went by,

news of my successful match

with the Ahsan spread rapidly.

Every sister and their sheikh

knew about it.

I was no longer

a washed-up loser.

I was a woman in her power.

And a woman in her power walks

with a certain bossy swagger.

Hey, I'm sorry,

should have been clear.

I really like you, but just,

you know, as a friend.

Probably not a great idea

to come

to your friend's

engagement party.

It was great to meet you.

It's Ahsan, by the way.

Yo.

Oh, sh*t.

- Oof.

- Okay.

Cool.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

"Voldemort Under My Headscarf."

I-I had some ideas.

- Wanna talk about it?

- Nah.

It?

What it?

We're sorry

it didn't work out.

Mmm, it, it, it─

uh, there isn't even an it.

We met once.

I don't know him.

What it, right?

The only it that exists

is the it in my head.

The made-up stupid, fantasy it

that only exists in my silly

little girl head, right?

How does it become

so big so fast?

What kind of nobody

lets that happen?

This girl!

You're looking at her.

- You're not a nobody.

- Oh, come on, you knew, right?

You knew she's a thirsty nobody

that will jump

if you dangle any passable

male in front of her.

You knew that I couldn't resist

Ahsan when you offered him up.

That is my problem.

I-I lose my mind over every

Bashir with a good beard

that smiles at me, you know?

Sorry.

Bashir with a good beard.

- That's brilliant.

- What?

Why won't you love me? ♪

Why won't you text me back? ♪

Leave me on read ♪

Ghost me like I'm dead ♪

Are my clothes too tight? ♪

Do I laugh too much? ♪

You say I'm not polite,

I say f*ck you very much ♪

Bashir with a good beard ♪

You're so pretty,

you're so pretty ♪

You're so pretty ♪

Bashir with a good beard ♪

You say you think

I'm weird ♪

Bashir with a good beard ♪

Won't you love me? ♪

Won't you love me?

Won't you love me? ♪

Bashir with a good beard ♪

You're gonna disappear ♪

We'll have two sons ♪

Bilal and Hala ♪

Nasir and Hussein ♪

We'll watch "Bake Off"

and eat KFC ♪

Halal!

Are my clothes too tight? ♪

Yeah!

Do I laugh too much? ♪

- Yeah!

You say I'm not polite,

I say ♪

f*ck you very much ♪

Bashir with a good beard ♪

You're so pretty,

you're so pretty ♪

Something momentous

happened that day.

I, with Lady Parts,

had penned a punk anthem

shorn from the fabric

of my life.

I had never written

a song before.

You're gonna disappear ♪

- That was sick.

- That was so sick!

- What did I tell you?

- Oh, my gosh.

- What did I tell you?

- What did she tell you?

Amina, that was sick, man.

It was all right.

Even though I had been

unceremoniously

friend-zoned by Ahsan,

I felt different after playing

with Lady Parts.

Lighter─I don't know, braver.

Okay, so I spoke to Imran,

and he's totally cool with you

bringing Ahsan

to the engagement party.

You are welcome.

Yay.

Yay!

- Yay!

- That is so great.

Okay, so, um, bravery

wasn't quite there,

but come on, what can I say?

Crusty spinster

back in business,

massive loser

back on the shelf.

You and Ahsan are gonna have

the cutest babies.

We literally cannot wait

to meet him.

Literally gagging

to meet him.

I wish I could

tell them the truth.

Yeah, I'm literally gagging

for you to meet him too.

But I couldn't.

Okay, so Saturday,

you'll both be there?

Deffo, both of us.

Me and him.

Me and my man.

Mm?

I mean,

potential future spouse.

Inshallah.

So what's the colour palette

for the wedding?

What is his style?

His eye colour,

brown or green?

And how tall is he?

Is he taller than that?