Monster Man (2003)

[bunniefuu]

( Panting )

( grunting )

This love?

This love?

This love?

Is a love like no other, no, no?

No, I don't want another...?

It would be,

it would be, it would be?

It would be this love?

Is a love like no other...?

Die, die.

( laughing ) I got you, Adam.

- Harley?!

- Talk about skid marks?

I bet the ones on the roads

aren't the only ones around.

That was not funny!

So you're off

to Betty Ann McAllistor's wedding.

I just wanted to come along.

- No way.

- Oh, yes way. I'm coming.

No! No, you're not.

You can...

You can hitch a ride back

for all I care.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah!

- Is that your final decision?

- Yes.

Ow, ow, ow!

Ow, ow, ow!

( laughing )

Ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow!

You are such a b*stard

with those tittie-twisters, man.

Oh, Adam, come on, man.

Let me in, Adam.

It'll be like old times, buddy.

- Forget it, Harley.

- Oh come on,

- this trip will let us patch things up.

- That bus has already left town.

We're never gonna be friends again.

( Harley laughs )

You still keep your spare

in your magnetic hide-a-key.

You are so predictable!

Uh-uh, that's mine, baby.

Harley: I never liked Betty Ann.

You know why?

'Cause she was

a major prick tease, dude.

You were friends with her

for over 10 years,

and not once did she consider you

as a boyfriend.

I know that's what you wanted.

Hey, what are you doing?

Come on!

( Harley laughs )

Just what I suspected, bro'.

You still keep her picture

in your pocket.

And it's laminated, even, man.

- You're such a wussy.

- I'm not a wussy, okay?

And you have no idea what

my relationship with Betty Ann is like.

Oh, I do. And I'm a lot deeper

than you think.

I'm an anthropology major,

you know, bro'?

Yeah, for seven and a half years.

You haven't learned anything.

I have too. If I was an anthropologist

200 years in the future,

and I came across your car,

I would still

- deduce that you were a wussy.

- Okay, and how would you do that?

First of all, I would conclude

that you're overly cautious.

'Cause not only do you have

a Club for your steering wheel,

but you also have Lowjack as evidenced

by the beeper on your key chain.

It's for security purposes

and it protects my car.

And most guys use a little black book

to write babes' numbers in.

You, however,

use your little black book

to keep track

of your car's gas mileage.

I've got a babe's number in there,

if you just look in the Bs.

You write it all down

with this itty bitty little pencil

'cause you're too cheap

to buy a new one.

And what kind of person

puts one of these on their antenna?

- A little wussy, that's who.

- That's it.

Okay...

That's right, I wanna hear it.

I'm not a wussy.

- No way.

- I'm not gonna let you out,

- until you say it.

- I'm not gonna say it.

- I'm not a little wussy.

- No, you're a wussy.

I'm not letting you out

until you say it, Harley.

- Okay, you're not a little wussy.

- Right.

( Coughs )

You're not a wussy, man.

You're not a little wussy.

You are a complete wussy.

Look, Adam, all I'm trying to say

is that after all the term papers

you ghost wrote for Betty Ann

and all the finals

you prepped her for,

she not once unclamped

her knobby little knees for you,

let alone let you make out with her.

Just admit it, man.

She used you.

She did not use me.

She just...

That was weird.

Yeah.

Yeah, Adam, let's get serious.

You know a girl's pubic hair

is really like her hood ornament?

How she shaves her vagifro says a lot

about what she's got under the hood.

But if her little sex goatee

is perfectly manicured

into a little caterpillar

or a cute little butterfly,

like, I bet this girl's done...

Whoo, boy, telling you she's got

a lot of horsepower under that hood,

and she's gonna be one sweet ride.

Man, you're too much.

I can't believe I let you come along

on this trip with me.

Good God.

Hey, this is

a choice opportunity, all right?

We stopped being pals over Betty Ann.

I thought that now

that she was getting hitched

you'd be over her

and maybe we could start over.

You know, this road trip, I thought,

would be the trick.

- Tell a few jokes, have a few laughs.

- I don't know, man.

It's a little hard getting over

being punched in the face

- by your best friend.

- You called me a liar.

- You called Betty Ann a sl*t.

- She is.

The skank can deep throat

a garden hose.

The b*tch was humping

everybody, but you.

Look, I just didn't want you

to get hurt, man.

Right, right. Well, then

you shouldn't have punched me.

Harley:

L am in awe, I am in utter awe.

This is ridiculous.

The forces of stupidity are far greater

than the forces of intelligence.

We're outnumbered, Adam.

We are severely outnumbered.

Now look at this, look at these

pea brain watching this crap.

Could you just kind

of keep it down a little bit?

Harley:

These rednecks must have an I.Q.

the same number

as my underwear size to enjoy this.

I don't really think

it's such a good idea

to use the phrase redneck

in a place like this.

Okay, okay.

How are these hillbillies

ever gonna change

unless someone points out

how lame a*s they are.

You owe me $12.63 for the meal.

They have got to know that watching

a monster truck exhibition

is just as bad as buying

a velvet painting of Elvis.

Is there any way I can get you

to just shut up?

If a vehicle could take Viagra,

a monster truck

is what it would look like.

Those giant tires make the truck look

like it's got blue ba*ls.

- And another thing...

- ( Velcro ripping )

( Velcro ripping )

What?

I'm speechless.

Did you know that you suffer

from diarrhea of the mouth?

Oh, back there at the diner.

Yeah, I was just having

a few shits and grins.

Yeah, well you totally pissed

those people off, man.

They looked like they were

gonna pummel us.

You know, you haven't changed one bit

since you roomed in college.

You secretly like having me around

'cause you know I'm good for you.

How is that?

You live vicariously through me.

If it weren't for me,

"Dr. Maestro Sir,"

you wouldn't know the first thing

about free style orifice probing.

Your entire sexual knowledge is based

on listening to my experiences,

which I kindly give you the blow

by blow, if you know what I mean.

Hey, stop that.

And I call you on all

the swishy stuff you do.

- Swishy?

- Yeah, swishy. Like that.

- Like what?

- You just used your turn signal

to pass a piece of road k*ll and there's

not a goddamned car in sight.

Shut up.

You're 25 and you never done it.

You never even tried.

You're still a f*cking virgin.

f*cking virgin?

Isn't that an oxymoron?

No, man, it's just plain moron.

Just admit it, man.

You never done it.

Never done the dirty deed.

Never conjugated the verb.

You never made the beast

with two backs.

It's not what you think.

It's not what you think?

You remind me of the guy

with the skull-and-bones full-body

tattoo caught in the crack house

with his buck naked, shaved p*ssy,

skinhead teenage girlfriend.

He's got blow up his nose,

needle sticking out of his arms,

a cache of uzies next to his KKK

propaganda and child p*rn*graphy.

The doors are smashed down

and he's caught.

He says to the SWAT team,

"Hey, it's not what you think."

Shut up.

No, it's because you've been stupidly

saving yourself for Betty Ann.

But you're not fooling me, man.

I figured out what lame a*s move

you're gonna pull once you see her.

- What are you talking about?

- I know you.

You've never told Betty Ann how you

really feel but you've always wanted to.

Now time is running out,

it's your last chance.

You're gonna have

to declare your love for her

and hope that she drops this dildo

she's about to marry for you.

( laughing ) I'm right, aren't I?

That's what you're gonna do.

( Approaching engine roaring )

Look at the size of that thing.

Hey, buddy, you know what this is?

It's a flock of these!

- Are you nuts?

- The "rum ranger" deserved it, man.

- Can't this thing go any faster?

- I got it floored, I got it floored.

This can't be happening.

Oh, man, for once maybe you were right,

I shouldn't have flipped him off.

Just let him pass us, man.

Just let him pass us.

Come on, man, pass us.

Okay, okay, pass me.

Come on, pass me.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean

to flip you off, man.

Oh, oh, God.

- Jesus Christ.

- He's gonna hit us again.

( Harley laughs )

I feel like we just played drop

the soap with Godzilla, man.

Damn you. It's all your fault.

Get off me, Adam.

Adam, get off me.

Oh, yeah!

It's time for super wedgie time.

Super wedgies!

Wahoo!

You fight like a girl.

You fight like a girl.

How do you like that now, huh?

How do you like that?

Adam, you're pissing me off

right now.

( Screaming, laughing )

- ( both scream )

- Captain Harley's cruncher.

Eat the dirt!

Stop it, Adam, stop it.

Stop it or I'm gonna fart on you.

Okay.

That was a wise choice, Kimosabe.

You know I would've.

Give it another try, Adam.

We should be able to get this started.

These Vista Cruisers

usually keep going forever.

Hey, the fuel line's busted

but I can fix that.

Where are we gonna get more gas,

Dr. Maestro Sir?

Hey Adam, wait up.

Hey man, was I right?

Are you gonna tell Betty Ann

how you really feel?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna tell her I love her.

I don't expect her to leave her guy

for me or anything,

but I couldn't live with myself

if I didn't at least try,

right?

That's nice.

Just one thing.

Before you tell Betty Ann that,

you better take those tampons

out of your nose.

Come on, man,

stop being such a d*uche.

You're being such a f*cking d*uche.

What's that?

It marks where someone died,

Mr. Anthropology.

How do you know that?

Some guys in my contract law class

were in this nasty

drunk driving accident.

As a memorial some of my classmates

put up a cross in the road

- and marked where they died.

- Huh.

You know those silicone implants they

give to girls when they get boob jobs?

You know, they're

supposed to last forever.

What freaks me out is

when one of these women dies.

After a few years her corpse

will totally be rotting in the ground,

but her carcass will have

these perfect silicone implants

still sitting on her decayed chest.

- It's disgusting.

- Hey, come on, man.

I'm just trying to make you laugh.

Can you not be serious for one minute?

That truck ran us off the road.

You really think

he was trying to k*ll us?

It sure seemed like it, yeah.

It's probably just a redneck

from back in the diner

trying to get us back

for what I said.

No, it seems like more

than just payback.

- You're paranoid.

- ( Crows squawking )

Just because you're paranoid,

doesn't mean that...

doesn't mean

that someone isn't coming after you.

Hey, look at that.

They have gas.

Come on.

Uh, watch that.

Hello? Hello!

Anybody home?

Hello! Anybody home?

There's no one home.

Probably went for a hike

or something...

I guess we could wait here

until they come back.

Forget that.

Let's just siphon in some fuel.

- Can we do that?

- I've done it plenty of times before.

I can use this cup. I'll just

suck it out and spit it right in here.

( laughing )

Hey man, that's not the gas tank,

it's the septic tank.

- ( Coughing, gagging )

- ( Laughing )

I'm sorry, man, I should have told you.

I couldn't resist.

You knew?

Hey, man, at least

you finally made me laugh, right?

( Grunts )

Harley:

That was a good one.

You got me Adam,

that was a pretty good joke.

Speaking of which, did you know

that "Citizen Kane" is

the biggest practical joke in the world?

How is that?

Well, Charles Foster Kane was based

on William Randolph Hearst,

the big newspaper magnate.

And William Randolph Hearst named

his girlfriend's p*ssy, her rosebud.

That's why

the biggest line in the movie

is the biggest practical joke

in the world.

- Rosebud.

- ( Both laugh )

Say it with me once.

Rosebud.

- Rosebud.

- Rosebud, rosebud.

( Both ) Rosebud, rosebud, rosebud.

Rosebud, rosebud, rosebud.

Rosebud.

- Rosebud.

- Rosebud.

Rosebud.

Wow, check out this space cowgirl.

Oh, oh, Adam, slow down,

now is your chance.

- Oh, this girl is made for banging.

- I can't pull over.

You could totally bury

your dead hamster in her grave.

She is absolutely made for banging.

Oh, just observe

that commendable firmness.

That bellybutton ring is a sure sign

that she is corrupt with horniness.

I'll bet you she is free and breezy

underneath that skirt,

giving you easy access

to her rosebud.

Yeah right, I can't pick up some chick

just before I declare my love

to Betty Ann.

Oh, oh, f*ck.

R-O...

S-E...

B-U-D.

( Echoing )

Excuse me,

are there restrooms back there?

Okay, thanks.

( Screams )

Nasty.

( Snoring )

Rosebud, rosebud.

( Engine roars )

( growling )

( banging )

( growling and banging )

( banging stops )

- ( footsteps echoing )

- ( Door squeaking )

( panting )

What the hell are you doing?

A little payback of our own, buddy.

Harley, you gotta get down,

he's coming. Let's go.

Move your fat a*s.

Come on, hurry, hurry, jump.

Let's go!

That's a first... you're going

over the speed limit.

Shut up, you're so stupid.

He didn't even know we were there.

We were parked on the south side.

I don't care,

I saw the guy... he is a freak.

We were hidden behind the dumpster.

He had this one eye... it was all white,

it didn't even look human.

There is no way that he saw us, There

is absolutely no way that he saw...

Umm, Adam?

Was that like that before we stopped

at the gas station?

Oh no, man, now he knows it was us,

he knows it was you

who pissed in his truck.

I been waiting my whole life

to f*ck up like this.

Congratulations,

you fulfilled your destiny.

- Adam, I gotta tell you something.

- Yeah, what?

I mean I really don't want

to tell you,

but I'd hate to go to my grave

without letting you know.

Okay.

I slept with Betty Ann.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

That's how I knew

she was sleeping around,

and that's why I was badmouthing her.

I wanted you to get over her

so if you found out what I did

you might not be quite as mad.

I'm sorry.

( Approaching engine roaring )

Okay, I parked the car around back

so no one should know

we're staying here.

You know,

I actually think we're in the clear.

I mean, the odds of him finding us

are like winning the lottery.

We're more likely to find a dead hooker

stuffed in our mattress.

Hey Harley, look at that.

Police discovered the body of a man

m*rder*d inside his motor home.

No details were released.

Police would only comment that it was a

grisly scene inside the camper trailer,

and that part of the body

had been removed.

KTML has unsubstantiated reports that

the body was decapitated.

Satanic ritual is suspected as indicated

by the large pentagram

drawn in the field,

apparently with the vehicle's wheels...

That's the motor home

where we stole the gas.

I know, I know.

Oh man, this whole trip

is turning into a nightmare.

We're getting chased around

by a madman in a monster truck.

We're running around trailer homes

with corpses inside of them.

I found out you slept with Betty Ann.

I don't know what's worse.

We gotta call the police.

And tell them what,

I sucked in a mouthful of sh*t?

- We didn't see any of that.

- Harley, we have an obligation.

What if they hold us for questioning.

There's no way you're gonna get

to Betty Ann before she gets married.

We don't know anything

that's gonna help them.

Do you really wanna drive back

into the monster truck's backyard?

I think it's just best that we get

the hell out of Dodge.

Oh, oh, do you have

any tweezers, man?

Oh, sh*t man, you got everything in that

batman utility belt of yours.

Ow, oh god,

ah, I can't get it out.

Man:

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

( faint whispering )

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you

and bang your brains out, baby.

I'm gonna get you

and bang your brains out baby, yeah.

( screaming )

How do you like that?

Oh, you like that, don't you?

Mm-hmm.

You take it, yeah, baby, yeah.

Oh, oh boy, yeah,

your snatch is so wet for me, honey.

Mm, you like that, don't you?

What's that, honey?

You want me to lick your button, huh?

Yeah, daddy will

take it home for you, baby.

Mm-hmm.

( Groaning, screaming )

( moaning )

( both screaming )

- There's a bright side?

- Well yeah, he could've k*lled us.

Harley: Oh yeah, great,

that makes me feel a lot better.

Adam:

Oh sh*t, we got a flat.

Look, he got us back.

It was pure payback,

that's all it had to be.

If he wanted us dead,

he would've Dahmered with us.

You are one bong hit away

from having absolutely no brain cells.

That guy is gonna k*ll us.

He k*lled the guy in the woods,

and now he's gonna k*ll us.

He's just waiting for the right moment.

I know it. I just know it.

Come on, come on, help me fix this.

No way.

I'm not getting out of this car.

I thought you just said

we had nothing to worry about.

Now come on. I'm not going out there

unless you're there with me,

watching my back.

Forget it. My a*s is in this seat.

It's not going anywhere.

If he kills you, can I tell Betty Ann

that I love her?

- That's not funny.

- And what if I'm telling you the truth?

What, you love Betty Ann too?

Well yeah, you know

our fling wasn't a one-timer.

I was pretty tore up

when she broke things off with me.

That's why I said

all those bad things about her.

This trip has really got me thinking.

I might wanna tell her how I feel.

You wanna tell her how you feel?

Well after you, of course.

I figure while she's figuring out

her choices,

I might as well throw my name

into the mix.

You're unbelievable.

( Both scream )

Wow, relax guys,

I was just crashing in your car.

Hi, I'm Sarah.

Hey, I'm Harley,

and this is my dorky friend Adam.

Hi.

Nice outfits.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

So what were you guys doing

in the middle of the night

in your underwear, huh?

Is this some

sort of frat initiation stunt?

Yeah, I guess you could say

it was something like that.

So, where are you headed?

- Anywhere but here.

- And why is that?

None of your business.

Oh, mysterious.

I like that.

Sarah: Your friend

doesn't say much, does he?

No, he gets nervous around girls.

Well maybe

I like the strong silent type.

Well you got the silent part right.

You see, he's a virgin.

Huh.

And you're what I call an a-hole.

- Hey, do you need some help?

- Oh, I got it, thanks.

What?

Your eyes...

I like your root beer colored eyes.

Oh, root beer colored eyes.

I like that.

Man: What's your name, boy?

Adam: I told you, officer,

I don't wanna be identified.

- This is an anonymous tip.

- L need your name.

- Please just listen.

- All right. What's this about, boy?

Just north of the motor home

where you found the m*rder,

my friend and I were chased off the road

by this huge weird monster truck.

And it, I mean,

who... whoever was driving the vehicle

was trying to k*ll us.

I think the driver of that monster truck

could be your m*rder*r.

It's... it's all yours.

Harley, I just called the cops.

Look, maybe they'll actually pick up

that guy in the monster truck.

I think we just gotta get to the wedding

as soon as possible.

I have to talk to Betty Ann

before she's married.

Are you sure

that's what you wanna do?

You know, this is your big chance.

- What?

- You know, with Sarah.

This is your moment to lose it.

Pop your cherry, become a man,

you name it.

I'm not interested.

I'm really not interested.

Oh, I think you're interested big time.

Come on, man, Stop it, stop it.

That chick is hot.

And biology is destiny, baby.

Biology is destiny.

I find it hard to believe she likes me

with you cutting me down at every turn.

It's all a part of my plan.

I'm being an a-hole on purpose

so she's gonna hate me

and thereby like you.

It's brilliant.

Oh, okay.

Then how do you explain

being an a-hole before she showed up?

I'm telling you, everything

that happened on this trip

has happened for a reason.

All the cosmic forces are conspiring

for you to meet this chick.

I don't think so.

Come on.

This girl digs you.

And I'll bet you this chick

does anything.

I'll bet you she'll even give you those

little eyelash butterfly kisses

you like so much...

on your ba*ls, even.

Man, you know, you just want me

to get interested in this girl

because now you've decided

you're in love with Betty Ann, too.

Oh, that is not it at all.

Look man, if you're not gonna go for it,

I'm gonna have to.

She probably likes me better, anyway.

- Cut it out.

- Oh man, she'll never even know

- I felt her up.

- Harley, don't.

- Come on.

- No.

Come on, don't you wanna know

if she's got root beer colored n*pples?

Okay, well yes, a little bit, but no,

no, no, don't.

Harley, Harley.

( Harley chuckles )

( moaning ) Oh Adam,

I love the way you touch me, baby.

I can't believe that.

I can't believe that she's more

attracted to you than she is to me.

I mean, that's absurd. I mean,

look at you and look at me.

Would you just let this go?

I promise you by the end of this trip

she's gonna be mine.

Why are you getting so competitive

all of a sudden?

- Because I like her.

- Yeah, well I like her too.

Yeah, but you're not

gonna do anything about it,

- so why don't you just step aside?

- Can't you let me have this one thing?

She had a dream about me, so what?

So what? It should've been me.

Yeah, well it should've been me

who slept with Betty Ann, not you.

Betty Ann didn't sleep with you

because you're a wussy.

- I'm not a wussy.

- You are too.

- Am not.

- Are too.

- Am not, am not.

- Are too, are too.

- Am not, am not.

- Are too, are too.

- Am not, am not.

- Are too, are too.

What the hell's going on?

Which one of you I'm attracted to?

You two are such little boys.

I mean, Jesus Christ, you could've

gotten us all k*lled.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna hitch another ride.

Oh that's great, look what you did.

The best thing about this trip was Sarah

- and now you made her leave.

- Me?

- Yeah, you.

- This is your fault.

Sarah, Sarah come back.

- Come on, Sarah

- Harley: Come on, Sarah, we're sorry.

- All right, please?

- Sorry.

- I'm sorry, please, come back.

- Please, Sarah.

I'm sorry.

( Heavy metal music playing )

Wow! Sweet jelly,

she likes me better!

Aah... hold, please.

Okay, now is your turn, Adam.

What?

Your turn to kiss me.

Then I can tell who turns me on more.

We can settle this for good

and be on our merry way.

Oh, I...

I don't know...

I don't think so.

( Soft music playing )

That's settles it.

Adam wins.

Oh, that's it! All right?

I call the backseat.

This is one bad dream and I just need

to sleep it off, all right?

( Snoring )

So, Sarah, where are you headed?

Nowhere.

No, seriously, where are you going?

Look, I don't want to talk about it.

Let's just say

I'm leaving my problems behind.

I will tell you one secret though.

I wasn't sleeping

when you touched me.

What?

But then, why did you let me...

oh jeez, I'm really sorry.

I mean, Harley and I

were goofing off...

it's all right.

I pretended to dream about you, because

I wanted to teach Harley a lesson.

Same thing with the kissing contest.

You wanted to teach him a lesson?

Yeah,

I saw how he was treating you.

I wanted to show him that

you don't have to come on

so tetosterony to be a man.

Thanks, I guess.

( Loud snoring )

I have another lesson

to teach Harley.

( Snoring continues )

( giggling )

What are you doing?

Nothing, I'm just waking you up.

It's Adam's turn for some shut eye.

( laughing )

Harley: Why did god invent

shopping carts?

Sarah: I don't know, why?

To teach women

how to walk on their hind legs.

( Sarah laughs )

Guys, this town

isn't even on the map.

Sure you didn't take a wrong turn?

Harley: You know, I can please

three women at once.

- Sarah: Oh, yeah, in your dreams.

- Yeah, I do it with my toes.

Sarah:

Cheers to that.

Look at these yokels.

Look at these hillbillies

putting on a pair of socks

as their equipment

to putting on a three-pieces suit.

Hey, what are you staring at,

A-hole?

( Both laughing )

Harley, quiet!

I'll be quiet if you let me

give you another kiss.

And I'll kiss you on your neck

or anyplace else you'd like me to.

No, thanks.

Ah, Come on, I can be

just as charming as Adam here, okay?

Check out my suave sense of humor.

- ( flatulence )

- ( Laughing ) That's not funny.

Would you like to dance,

little old lady?

Oh no, thanks.

No, I think you'd like to dance.

You heard the lady.

She's not interested.

I wasn't talking to you, Pretty boy.

( Screams )

What? Me dancing with this girl

is gonna ruin your m?nage ? trois?

Hey, let's take this dance

to the back of my truck.

Yeah.

You see these hands?

- Now, watch out for my foot.

- ( Grunt )

( Harley cheering ) Whoo!

You just got beat up by a girl.

Harley:

That guy was such a d*ck.

He was a big guy, he was a big d*ck.

I just can't believe

you let Sarah kick his a*s.

Adam?

Adam, where did you go?

Here.

- Thanks.

- Mm-hmm.

I can't understand

why you're being so nice to me.

It's nice being nice to the nice.

I don't know how you can say that,

I'm not even man enough to stick up

for the girl I like.

- You like me?

- Yeah.

Then why don't you

do something about it?

What?

Do you have a girlfriend?

No.

Well no, not really.

I heard you and Harley

talking in the car.

It sounds like you really have a thing

for this Betty Ann.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm not looking

for a commitment here.

I know.

You know,

a woman likes a man with experience.

Betty Ann might like you better

if you were...

a little more worldly.

- Really?

- Yes.

So, what are you waiting for?

I'm afraid.

Why? Do you think

that when a woman's the aggressor,

that makes you less of a man.

Yeah.

Well no, maybe it's not it, anyways.

Then what are you afraid of?

Everything.

What if I'm not good?

Oh, you'll be good.

I know it.

- Oh, I'm sorry...

- What?

My nose bleed... I've been

having it since I was a a kid.

It happens pretty easily,

I'm... sorry.

Oh, here,

let nurse Sarah take a look at that.

( Both chuckle )

You've got a little bit on your face.

Here, let me kiss that

and make it all better.

Mmm.

Is that better?

Much.

Are you really a virgin?

Yeah.

I can't believe that...

a handsome guy like you.

( laughs ) it's true.

You swear?

Yeah, I swear.

( Chuckles )

That really turns me on.

Whoo!

You're so cute.

Hey, la, la, la, la, la, la, ?

Hey, la, la, la, la?

Hey, la, la, la, la, la, la?

Hey, la, la, la, la?

Hey, la, la, la, la, la, la?

Hey, la, la, la, la?

Make me come now.

Okay, can we try.

Do or do not, there is no trying.

Huh?

Ooh! Very white you

make me, young Jedi.

( Moaning )

it's supposed to be fun.

Just go with it.

And remember...

size matters not.

- ( Moaning loudly )

- ( Panting )

You feel the force

blowing through you.

( Screaming )

- You know what I really love?

- Huh?

Your root beer colored n*pples.

( laughs )

( screams )

What the hell is that?

( Screaming continues )

- Somebody help me.

- What's going on?

It's definitely not Colonel Mustard

in the study with a candlestick.

- Sarah, wait!

- Oh, hell's bells.

Sarah, it could be dangerous.

( Screaming ) Somebody help me.

( Sobbing and screaming )

( all screaming )

( police radio chatter )

You dang kids are up to your assholes

and elbows in trouble.

Ask the elbows what?

We can't find a dang thing.

Let alone some dead man

flattened like the coyote

in some dang Road Runner cartoon.

No, Sir, we saw that.

I swear it.

You know what I think?

I think you're all pulling

some dang prank.

I got a holler from upstate

about a couple of boys

fitting your description.

You left a piece of dang road k*ll

in a motel room,

thinking it was pretty dang funny.

I got half a mind to haul you in

for wasting my time.

We're not lying.

We saw the whole dang thing.

You angling to get in on some

drop the soap action, boy?

'Cause if you are,

I'll put you in with a whole cell

of hardy hard-ons.

They'll stretch your a*s out

till it looks like a spare tire.

My advice to you

is to get in your dang car

and get the hell out of my state

before I put you in a place

where your nicknames will be

Firestone and Uniroyal.

So, this guy in a monster truck

has been following you for two days?

You got it, sister.

Boy, did I hitch a ride

with the wrong car.

What are you doing, dude?

I think I took a wrong turn.

Well, this is a perfect place

for old f*ck face to nail us.

- f*ck face.

- Yeah, you saw the guy.

His face was totally f*cked up.

Looked like someone

quilted his face together.

Wired his jaw shut, too.

So yeah, he's f*ck face in my book,

so come on, let's go.

Look, I can't turn back around.

Deputy Dang will throw us behind bars.

If we go this way,

we could run right into f*ck face.

Look, I'm not going anywhere

until we check the map.

Come on, make a decision,

make a decision.

- Give him a second.

- Oh yeah, that's just great.

g*ng up on me now that you

and Studmeister General here

have taken your male

and female juices

and mixed them all together into

a flagrant smorgasbord of bodily soup.

- Great.

- Flagrant smorgasbord?

( Banging )

You are next.

- What?

- You are next.

Well, that's what it says

on your hood.

See?

You are next.

Even if that weren't on your hood,

I'd tell you folks you shouldn't be

stopped out here on this road.

No siree Bob,

not with the demon out there.

What demon?

The demon that did this to my arm.

Look how he butchered me.

What happened?

Oh, yo, f*ck that!

I was out hunting,

I was aiming at a deer,

laying as still

as my granddaddy in his casket,

when I feels this cold shadow

come over me.

So I take a look see.

And there's a man,

he's as big as a tree.

His face is a patchwork

of skin and stitches.

I calls him demon because

he's the scariest thing I ever seen,

and nothing human

could be that strong.

He lifts me up like I was nothing.

Knocks my head

against a tree limb, and I'm out.

When I wakes up

I'm still in the woods,

but my arm's been sawed off.

It's true.

It's happened to dozens others

the exact same way.

Most of us too poor to leave.

Me?

I ain't afraid of him no more.

He wanted to k*ll me,

he would have done and done it.

No, he's through with me.

He needs fresh meat.

Fresh meat, I tell you.

So take my advice.

You best not mosey

along this road, you hear?

You heard him,

let's not mosey along this road.

- Yeah.

- Good day, folks.

Good day.

- Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh, what?

I don't wanna freak you out

or anything,

- but we're almost out of gas.

- Sarah: What?

- How can we almost get out of gas?

- I don't know. The needle dropped.

- It must've been sticking.

- Oh, this is not good.

- This is not good at all.

- Guys, what's that?

- Adam: it's just a scarecrow.

- If it is, well...

Why isn't it protecting

some farmer's cornfield

instead of standing there

in the middle of the road?

- What are you doing?

- I'm making a pact with God.

If he spares us,

I promise not to be an A-hole anymore.

- ( Thud, )

- Oh, Jeez, on the road.

( Screaming )

- How you doing?

- ( All laugh )

This road is really creeping me out.

Hey guys, guys, look.

Check it out.

All right,

it looks like they got gas.

Hey Sarah, let me show you

what I can really do with my mouth.

Check it out.

Sarah:

Jesus, slow down.

You're gonna get brain freeze.

( Belching )

Oh, that hits the spot.

You know that soda

contains a lot of fructose?

- Yeah, so?

- Well did you that 95%%%

of a man's ej*cul*te is fructose?

It's totally true.

- Well, what are you trying to say?

- ( Laughs )

Hey, you know, I don't think

I like what you're implying there.

Oh, food's here.

Oh, thank you so much.

So, how do things with you and Sarah

affect the way you feel about Betty Ann?

( Sighs ) I don't know.

You know, I got another day

before we get to the wedding.

I hope to figure it out before then.

Well, whatever you decide man,

I'm behind you.

You know, if you go for Betty Ann,

more power to you.

If you decide on Sarah,

well, that's cool too.

I'm really sorry

about everything I did, man.

You know, I'm the type of guy

who puts the "ick" in the word d*ck.

Okay, guys, there's nothing that a bowl

of chili and a hamburger can't fix.

Mmm.

All right guys, from now on

we stop only for gas.

Drive straight through.

If I get tired, we'll switch off.

( Gagging )

Oh, dude,

I think you just ate somebody.

Oh, this is not good,

this is not good!

( Screaming )

Harley, come on.

Adam: I can't believe that happened.

There were people in my chili.

- ( panting )

- An eyeball!

- I can't believe what just happened.

- Goddamm it, I ate somebody.

There's a dead guy in the back seat.

( Screaming )

Oh, God!

Jesus.

- Get it out of here, Adam.

- You're in the back, you get rid of it.

It's your car, "major domo,"

you get rid of it.

Oh sh*t, it's f*ck face.

We're all gonna die.

I definitely hitched a ride

with the wrong car.

I can't outrun it.

- Do something, Adam, do something!

- I'm open to suggestions.

Adam, hurry,

that guy is gonna k*ll us.

( All screaming )

( engine sputtering )

- ( engine whines )

- Come on.

Adam, hurry, start the car now.

- It's not starting.

- ( Whimpering )

- ( screaming )

- Just start it.

( Screaming )

Sarah: Get it started,

he's coming, oh my God!

What's going on, what's going on,

what's going on?

( Screams ) Let me out!

Run Harley.

( Screaming )

Harley.

( Harley screams, whimpers )

Come on, Harley.

I'm a corpse burrito, dude.

- We're gonna get you out of here.

- We'll get you out.

- Come on.

- Try wiggling.

- I am wiggling.

- Wiggle more.

- Wiggle.

- Wiggle, come on.

He's coming around again.

- What are you doing?

- I'm bringing the dead guy close,

- so I can get Harley out.

- That's f*cked up, but okay.

Oh...

Hurry up.

Sarah:

Harley!

Harley, get rid of those

g*dd*mn clogs!

Hurry, Harley.

Harley, let's go.

( Screaming ) Come on!

( Panting )

I can't run anymore.

I can't do it.

- Do you think we lost him?

- Yeah, sure.

None of these stains

are gonna come out of my shirt.

- ( Monster wheezing )

- ( Panting )

( wheezing )

Run, run.

( Screaming )

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.

( echoing )

Sarah?

Sarah!

Sarah:Adam!

( screaming )

( panting )

( gasps, panting )

Betty Boop:

...You bet you need a pet.

So, if you haven't got a pet as yet,

get a dog, bow wow,

a little cat meow,

a dog bow wow,

get a bird tweet... tweet.

For everybody ought to have a pet...

Good evening.

We've been expecting you.

Thanks for joining us

this evening, friend.

( laughing )

Adam, help.

Brother Bob,

our company has arrived.

Hurry, hurry.

- I thought you were dead.

- I'm so glad you're here.

Hurry, hurry, that freak's out there.

He's in there, of course.

Move, you dumb a*s, move.

Good, you're almost there.

We gotta get out of here.

( Screaming )

Give me the shovel.

( laughing )

( laughing )

Man:

Welcome friend.

I'm so glad you could be here

with us tonight.

- Go to hell.

- I already did.

And that's why I'm here

with you today.

Actually, I have my sister

Sarah here to thank, too.

Indeed you do, brother Fred,

indeed you do.

You're probably wondering

why we've brought you here.

See, brother Bob

was driving his truck around,

blasting his music,

acting all macho while off roading.

But he was basically drunk

on his own testosterone.

Which makes a fellow

do terrible things sometimes,

I always say.

Anyhows, brother Bob doesn't see me

taking a leak over near the creek,

he done clean runs me over.

Sarah: Bobby heard

the thump, though.

He turns around

and sees his brother Fred

looking deader

than Robert E. Lee.

But he doesn't notice

the tree up ahead.

- ( Giggling )

- Wham.

Next thing brother Bob knows,

he's flying through the windshield.

Brother Bob survived, though.

And I was able

to sew him back together.

Brother Bob, will you go prepare

the Satan's blood.

I was a different story.

Luckily, sister Sarah's studying

witchcraft.

She starts praying to the devil,

and praise Satan

'cause I done rise from the dead.

But there's a catch.

For brother Fred to stay alive,

our lord Lucifer needs a sacrifice.

So every full moon,

brother Bob must go out

and run someone down,

just like he did me.

That explains the guy

he mowed down behind the motel.

You catch on quick, boy.

Anyways, once brother Bob

has done his work,

sister Sarah does what she does.

Chanting and drawing her fancy stars.

- Pentagrams.

- Sorry sis, pentagrams.

Anyhows, the life energy

of that poor soul

that brother Bob flattened,

goes and restores me.

I was not a pretty picture.

The bones in my arms and legs

were shattered... lost an eye, too.

I was nothing but a rag doll, really.

Until Sarah started

experimenting sewing

other people's arms and legs onto me.

Well, we couldn't just k*ll

peoples and take their limbs, no.

No, we discovered

we had to let them live

if we wanted

my new arm or leg to take.

Yeah, we met some of your friends

you borrowed from.

Yeah, but it's too bad we couldn't

borrow a torso that would work.

Always turned

into a bloody g*dd*mn mess.

That's where you come in.

Sarah found a new book

of spells and such.

She found I could have me

a whole new body

if it were prepared right.

- Prepared right?

- Yeah.

This devil's manual Sarah came by

explains that with the right rituals

and the correct dark ceremonies

prior to slicing and dicing

and hitching and stitching,

we wouldn't have the problems we've had

before attaching a torso to me.

My brother

is getting your body, Adam.

( laughing )

What's this, huh?

What, you gonna leave

before the party starts?

Fred:

You should be honored.

Sarah picked you out from the get go.

It was you in the hearse, wasn't it?

Sizing me up?

We needed someone pliable.

Someone easy to prepare.

And that you were.

Step one, we needed

a body to voluntarily

step inside a pentagram

with a decapitated body.

sh*t, the trailer home.

Oh sh*t is right.

Phase two, we needed you

to sleep with road k*ll.

Item three and four came easy.

My favorite.

Sarah needed to taste your blood,

and take your virginity.

Four times just to be sure.

Shut up, Sarah,

you're making me jealous.

What was the last thing?

I had to eat the dead?

Fred:

Almost last thing.

The final step in preparing you

was simple.

You had to be scared to death.

I think brother Bob did a fine job

of doing that.

I want to thank you

for letting me have

your beautiful body, young man.

I only have one question,

you diddled my sister with that body,

so when I get your body,

does that mean

I f*cked my own sister?

Stop worrying about that,

brother Fred.

When you're all brand new,

I'll do something to make

that a moot point.

Shall we begin?

Goodbye, Adam.

You'll always be a part of me.

( laughing )

I take it back,

I never liked the color of your eyes.

He's getting away, he's getting away.

( Screaming )

I need that body, I gotta have

that body, don't let him get away.

( screaming )

( screaming )

Oww.

Now your name really is f*ck face.

( All grunting )

( laughing )

( screaming )

( screaming )

How's that for prepared right?

( Screaming intensifies )

Drop dead, Fred.

f*ck you!

Looking for this, boy?

Oh, you may be quiet

as a church mouse,

but you'll soon make a mistake.

And then I'll get you.

I'm not dead yet,

but I'm gonna be soon.

And you're gonna be joining me.

( laughing )

( mumbles )

You're bleeding.

Is the little wussy hurt?

I got a sixth sense for blood,

wussy boy.

It's my own special radar.

And the more blood there is,

the stronger I'm drawn to it.

There's no hiding from me now,

wussy boy.

( Growling )

( laughing )

Oh, you're bleeding badly now.

( laughing )

( screaming )

Where's that g*dd*mn key?

Who's the wussy now?

Who, Adam!

Hey, Adam.

Hey, I take it all back, buddy.

You're not a complete wussy.

Harley?

I thought you were dead.

Hey, just hand over

that Academy Award, baby.

- ( Both laughing )

- You want to drive?

Yeah.

Hey, Adam,

Adam, hey.

What?

I think you got him.

Hey, Harley,

thanks for coming back

and helping me, man.

I mean not just now, today,

I mean the whole trip.

You really are a good friend.

It's no problem, bro.

This is probably getting

a little swishy, isn't it?

Yeah, just a little bit.

But speaking of swishy,

I got you a little present.

I like that.

So, if you drive like a maniac, we can

still make it to Betty Ann's wedding.

- Screw Betty Ann.

- Excuse me?

I don't really think

she's my type anymore.

Well then let's go pick up

some poontang.

Come on, man,

what are you waiting for?

Start up this bad boy.

Harley:

Whoo-h*!

Whoo-h*!

( Faint groaning )

Wussies.

You can't k*ll me,

you can't k*ll me, wussies.

You can't k*ll me.

Fred:

The end?

This can't be the end.

I'm still alive,

and I was gonna f*ck my sister.

Now what am I gonna do?

Oh God!

( Sobbing )

This sucks.