Paranormal Sexperiments (2016)

[bunniefuu]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

You thought you'd

win, didn't you?

That you'd live forever,

that you could beat death.

Well, sadly, death finds

everyone sooner or later.

Too bad for you it was sooner.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Well, perhaps death

was right on schedule.

I guess we'll never know.

[GHOSTLY LAUGHTER]

You'll know.

You!

When it's your time to die.

No!

You're dead!

You can't hurt anybody anymore.

Are you so sure,

my faithful lawyer?

Death isn't always

so neat and tidy.

Chat later.

[GHOSTLY LAUGHTER]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GHOSTLY LAUGHTER]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Shadows of darkness, spirits

within, harness the energy,

let it begin.

By the power of my will,

essence of my soul,

make this woman reveal her goal.

Cindy, my dear, draw

from the uncharted.

You're on the clock now so

I suggest you get started.

[CLICK]

[LOW MOANING]

Wow.

Can you really foretell

the future, Madam Zola?

That would be so cool.

Past, present, future.

All is known to those

who possess the powers

of the psychic world.

And you really

possess those powers?

Yes, I recently

repossessed them.

You know, I've never really

done anything like this before.

Zola already knows that.

Of course, you

know everything.

You came to the right place.

Now tell me, what

is troubling you?

I'm not sure if I should

tell you everything.

[SIGHS]

Please, in order to help you,

I must first know your desires,

your needs, your fears.

My fears?

Well, I'm afraid of enclosed

spaces, open spaces, hot food,

cold food, gluten-free

food, children,

vampires, birds, cornucopia--

OK.

Just give me the

"Reader's Digest" version.

[SIGHS] Well, I

don't have a boyfriend.

I can't pay my rent.

And I'm failing all my

most important classes.

I just suck at

animal husbandry 101.

Hm, really?

Let us consult the crystal ball.

Look deep into the crystal.

Tell me what you see.

I see--

I see a crystal ball.

Right.

Um, there must be a bad

connection to the spirit world.

Might be the weather.

We'll do this old school.

Let me see your palm.

Uh, front or back?

Front.

Well?

I see your fortunes are

about to change, very soon.

Soon?

How soon is soon?

Soon enough.

Will I be able to pay my rent?

I don't know that yet.

Will I stopped sucking

at animal husbandry?

Well, that's up to you.

What about romance?

What about passion?

Will I find it?

Close your eyes.

Passion will soon find you.

Very soon.

What do you feel?

Mm, I feel--

it kind of feels like a boob.

Hey, what are you doing?

Please, I can see your

future and it's a hot one,

filled with much passion.

You can't escape your destiny.

[SIGHS] Well, I have been in

a bit of a dry spell lately.

And I have to be

honest with you.

I can't pay you for today.

I'm flat broke.

But I'll give you my IOU.

Trust me.

Your credit is good here.

I really do know what's

about to happen next.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

[AMBIENT STREET NOISE]

[DOOR CLOSES]

SARA: Cindy, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

Where have you been all day?

I know you're

going to laugh at me.

But I went to see Madam Zola.

Madam Zola?

She's a psychic advisor.

[SCOFFS] Oh, please, Cindy,

like you're not already

strapped for cash as it is.

I know.

I just-- I really needed

some good news right now.

And did you get

your money's worth?

I guess you could say that.

What's that?

Another note from

Mr. Catwhistle.

Ah, it's probably

about the rent again.

CINDY: It seems like we get

one of these every month.

That's because we're

always behind on rent

right every month.

Well, don't worry.

Madam Zola said a

change in my future

is right around the corner.

You can't be serious.

Of course I am.

Before you know it, good fortune

will come knocking at the door.

You can't be serious.

[KNOCKING]

See?

It must be Mr. Catwhistle

here to collect the rent.

Quick.

Run out the back.

I'll go distract him.

Oh, please.

That gag only works

on "Three's Company."

Miss Storm?

Who's asking?

My name is Cosgrove.

May I come in?

OK.

I am an attorney.

I represent the estate of

the late Lady Dracovich.

CINDY: Dracovich?

The late Lady Dracovich.

Late?

Late for what?

No, no.

I don't mean that kind of late.

What I meant to say

was, she's departed.

Oh, she farted.

Departed, Cindy.

Yes, dead.

Dead people fart?

Oh, no.

No.

OK.

Look, it is my

duty to inform you,

Cindy Storm, the

Lady Dracovich has

left you her entire estate--

everything, lock,

stock, and barrel.

What am I supposed to do

with stocks and barrels?

The estate consists of

Dracovich Manor, its content,

and the surrounding property,

plus a moderate source

of ready cash.

Money!

Here's the keys.

Yes!

Wait a minute.

Have you ever met this

Lady Dracovich before?

Well, no.

Well, then why would

she want to leave

you her entire fortune?

Ah, that's simple.

No one ever liked

Lady Dracovich.

And when she died, suddenly,

she left specific instructions--

the first person to push

Like on her Myspacebook page

would inherit her estate.

So you hit Like on

someone's death notice.

I thought it was Mr.

Malkovich, my history teacher.

Dracovich, Malkovich.

I didn't know vich was vich.

Why don't we meet later in

the afternoon at the house?

I can turn over the deed

to you and give you Lady

Dracovich's final instructions.

OK.

See you then.

There is one final thing.

This book.

You are to protect

this book at all costs.

Failure to do so would mean that

you forfeit your inheritance.

Do you understand?

Protect book.

Got it.

OK.

[SNAP]

But never read it.

The instructions

are very specific.

I'm not much of a reader

anyways so no worries.

Excellent.

I hope so.

Well, ladies, good day.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

I'm rich!

Woo!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

So you see, Professor Gordon,

it's absolutely imperious

that I'd be allowed a

short leave of abstinence

to gather my affairs.

You mean to tell me

that you, Cindy Storm,

inherited a vast fortune

from the late Lady Dracovich?

She's not late, she's dead.

And, yes, I

inherited everything.

Are you all right,

Professor Gordon?

Yeah.

I'm fine.

It's just this-- this

damn chair, it's uneven.

I think the base is uneven.

Now about your leave--

Oh, please.

I'll study extra

hard while I'm away.

I could do extra credit.

Ah, well-- well,

how would you do that?

The manor house has a bunch

of old antiques and stuff.

I guess I could write a

report on everything I own.

OK.

That is true.

Lady Dracovich had one of the

rarest collections of books

pertaining to the paranormal.

OK, Cindy.

You win.

[GASPS]

But I expect you to

report back every few days

and keep me up to

date on your progress.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

I really appreciate it.

Bye bye.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] [LAUGHS] I

thought she'd never leave.

Now, where were we?

[SIGHS] I think we were

discussing how I could

best serve the student body.

Well, I was thinking maybe the

best way would be on your back.

And I thought it would

be even better on my knees.

Well, considering that you are

the head of the student body,

I guess we could

make a compromise.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

[GASPS AND MOANING]

Can you believe

that Lady Dracovich

left her entire estate

to that nitwit Cindy?

How is that even possible?

Some people have all the luck.

You know, Lady Dracovich had

a book, "Mysteries of the Worm."

Alone it's worth a fortune.

I'd do anything to

get my hands on it.

Maybe Cindy will

have a garage sale

and then you can

buy all her books.

I can't take that chance.

I need to have it now.

Well, how do you

plan on getting it?

There's got to be a way.

I've got it.

That old mansion is a hotbed for

our spooky stories and rumors.

Paranormal trickery, of course.

But Cindy doesn't know that.

If we could just convince

her that the place is overrun

with ghouls and goblins--

Then the book

will be all yours.

Precisely.

You know, I think we owe it

to Cindy to at least warn

her of the danger she's in.

From you?

No, silly.

From the supernatural.

Right.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

Madam Zola?

Hello?

Anybody there?

MADAM ZOLA: Who

summons Madam Zola?

It's me, Cindy.

From this morning?

MADAM ZOLA: Sorry, no refunds.

No, I owe you money.

I give you my IOU.

Of course.

I thought you were broke.

I was.

But now I'm rich.

Really?

Yes.

It happened just

like you had said.

Almost as if by magic,

my fortune's changed.

Fortune?

[LAUGHS] What?

How?

As soon as I got

home, an attorney

came by and said I'd

inherited the entire estate

of Lady Dracovich.

Lady Dracovich?

No, no.

Take your money back.

I don't want it.

Why?

I can't accept it.

Only bad can come of this thing.

Don't be silly.

I'm stinking rich.

What could be wrong with that?

You will never

live to enjoy it.

That house is evil.

I don't believe you.

There is no such thing

as an evil house.

Restless spirits roam the

halls of the Dracovich Manor.

Soon your spirit may join them.

As a matter of fact,

I'm on my way there now.

Well, if you don't

want the money--

Wait, wait.

Here.

Just take my card.

You may need my help later.

Heed my warning.

When the black cat

strikes at midnight,

the dead will walk again.

Cat, midnight, dead.

Got it.

[SIGHS] What a day.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Wow.

Double wow.

It's big.

It's expensive.

It's creepy.

It's mine!

I love it!

You do?

Let's look around.

- All right.

Which way do you want to start?

This way.

OK.

This place goes on forever.

A girl could get lost here

if she wasn't careful.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Look.

Do you think that's her?

Lady Dracovich?

Probably.

Madam Zola said

this house was evil.

[SCOFFS] Evil?

Look at that beautiful face.

She's a lot prettier

than I thought.

I do her.

What did you say?

SARA: I said I'd do her.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Good to know.

[LAUGHS] Impressive.

Like it?

Hell, yeah.

Check out this bed.

Who wouldn't?

This was her room.

Lady Dracovich?

How do you know?

I can feel it.

My senses are so

alive right now.

And what are your senses

telling you, exactly?

That I must have you.

Whoa.

Don't act like

you've never thought

about me in that way before.

All the times you've seen

me walk around the apartment

naked?

Well, there was that one time

when you were vacuuming naked.

What a better way to

celebrate our new home?

I guess it wouldn't hurt.

[LAUGHS] Not unless

you want it to.

[LAUGHS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[KNOCKING]

[CREAKING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Hello?

Is anybody here?

Hello?

[DOOR CLOSES]

There's no need to shout.

You might wake the dead.

I'm sorry, Cindy.

I wasn't sure

anybody was here yet.

I knocked.

Sara and I have been

poking about some upstairs.

I see.

Well, if you're ready,

I have some papers

that require your signature.

Of course, Mr. Cosgrove.

Please follow me.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

This should

officially transfer

everything over to you.

All neat and tidy.

What did you say?

I said, all neat and tidy.

Why?

It's odd.

Well, it was one of the

last things she said to me.

Really.

It's a quite common expression.

No need to upset yourself.

Of course.

You're right.

It's very common.

I would say signed,

sealed, and delivered,

but I'm not sure your

heart could handle it.

Very funny.

But you didn't know

her like I did.

CINDY: Drink?

Sure.

Why not?

So what kind of woman

was this Lady Dracovich?

She was a sexual predator.

She had a way of

trapping people.

If you were a man, she

turn you into her servant.

If you were a woman, she

turn you into her sl*ve.

She sounds like a free

spirit to me, someone who knew

how to get what she wanted.

She got it all right.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

She fell from up here.

She died here.

Here?

Yes.

Who pushed her?

I didn't say anybody

pushed her, Cindy.

That's right.

You didn't.

I think we've finished

with all of our business

for the time being.

Have we?

Have we, really?

Yes.

Yes, we have.

Goodbye.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Whoa.

What's with all the racket?

[ENGINE STARTS]

Wait!

Are you coming or going?

Going.

We're done, right?

Done what right?

Look, please feel free

to call me if there's

anything more I can do, OK?

What the hell was that about?

And why do I feel like

I've been licked all over?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Did someone just come in?

No, I don't think so.

It sounded like

the door to me.

Did you just take a shower?

Yeah, I mean, I had to

cool down from all of that,

you know.

All what?

You know, that.

You're acting

awfully weird, Sara.

Are you feeling OK?

Yeah, of course I am.

It's you that I'm

kind of worried about.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Did you get it?

Right here.

What took you so long?

Uh, I had a little bit of

trouble with the message.

Kathy, it's supposed

to say Happy Homecoming.

[SIGHS] Spelling's

not my best subject.

Clearly.

Now, we take this

cake over to Dracovich

Manor as a housewarming gift.

And as soon as we get a chance,

we search the whole place.

Brilliant.

[LAUGHS]

Piece of cake.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

- Oh, no.

It's started already.

Cindy, what is it?

Tell me what's going on?

LADY DRACOVICH (ON PHONE):

Stay away from Dracovich Manor.

This will be your only warning.

Who is this?

LADY DRACOVICH (ON

PHONE): Can't you guess?

You're supposed to be a psychic.

Don't get funny with me.

And I don't frighten easily.

LADY DRACOVICH (ON PHONE): Good.

Because I'm not

into cheap scares.

Who are you calling cheap?

LADY DRACOVICH (ON PHONE): Just

stay away, or you'll regret it.

[CLICK]

What kind of person

just hangs up the phone?

Lady Dracovich, calling

from beyond the grave!

She wants me out of the way.

In the way I must get.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Hey, Sara!

Come here, quick.

What now?

It's this weird witch board.

[SCOFFS] So what?

It's just a game,

just to have fun.

It's all fun and games until

someone pokes their eye out.

I know, let's

contact Lady Dracovich.

No way.

Wow.

Did you see that?

Come on, Cindy.

It was the table and its weight.

It just slid on its own.

PROFESSOR GORDON:

Don't be so sure.

Professor Gordon!

You scared the life out of me.

Sorry, Cindy.

No one answered the door.

It was open.

That's OK.

Well, what are

you guys doing here?

We brought you a

housewarming gift.

Happy wh*re coming?

CINDY:

Oh, uh, yeah.

Stupid cake store.

That's sweet.

But you really shouldn't have.

Nonsense.

Besides I kind of needed to

talk to you about something--

this house.

Oh, OK.

In private?

All right.

Follow me this way.

Kathy, will you put

that in the kitchen?

Got it, babe.

Thanks.

Well, I'm going to stay here

and work on my stock tips.

OK.

I have to admit, Cindy,

this is a beautiful house.

I know.

I haven't really had the

chance to check it out yet.

But somehow I feel as if

I've always lived here.

[SIGHS] Well, it's

kind of actually what

I'm here to talk to you about.

This house, it's got

a strange history.

People think it's haunted.

They think it made

Lady Dracovich go mad.

Mad?

Who can say what madness is?

I just don't want to see

anything bad happen to you.

Why is that?

Because you're such

a promising student.

What a liar.

You think Cindy is a moron.

Excuse me?

The only thing you really

admire about her are these.

[LAUGHS] That is true.

Those are amazing.

They feel better than they look.

Touch me.

[SIGHS] [SIGHS] You've come here

looking for something special.

Now you've found it.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

[CLATTERING]

What?

Red drum?

[SIGHS] That's it.

I got to change bakeries.

Looking for something?

Oh, uh, me?

Well, you appear to be

searching for something.

No, you know, I was

just looking for something

to cut the cake with.

Will this do?

Woo!

Might be-- might be a

little bit overkill.

Who are you?

I come with the house.

If you tell me what

you're looking for maybe

I can help you.

Ah, you know,

really I'm just--

just the curious sort.

You know-- you know the type.

I think I do.

[GASPS]

You're looking for the book.

Book?

This one?

Oh.

Yeah.

You know, actually I am.

Funny story, but I forgot

to return it to the library,

and boy are they pissed.

I'll bet.

But I can't let you have it.

Unless, of course, I was

distracted in some way.

Distracted.

Hm.

Well, you know, in

high school, I did win

the John Deere distractor pull.

Oh, and how would you

go about distracting me?

Well, first I'd kiss you.

Where is everybody?

Come on, guys.

Where is everybody?

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Holy sh*t, it actually worked.

This was easier than I thought.

Now you're all mine.

[EERIE NOISE]

[GASPS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Kathy?

What's going on?

What-- where is everybody?

I don't consider that an answer.

CINDY: There you are.

[EERIE NOISE]

[LAUGHS] No, you don't.

Not yet.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

So Dracovich, you

really did manage

to return from the grave,

at least for a little while.

But you needed this and

a life force to possess.

Yeah.

But even that wouldn't keep

you hanging around for long.

I know that much.

Yes.

Yes.

I did push you down the stairs.

Somebody had to.

Somebody had to stop

your plan from bringing

the evil into this world.

And I would have

succeeded to if it

wasn't for that silly kid

and her stupid Myspacebook

addiction.

Why do they have to click Like

every time somebody passes gas?

Yeah.

But I know how to destroy

you once and for all.

You're nothing without a

sacrifice, a male sacrifice.

And all you've got right

here is a handful of girls.

[MOANING AND GASPS]

g*dd*mn it.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

What's happening?

I think they're trying

to f*ck him to death.

What a terrible way to go.

I know how to destroy Lady

Dracovich and foil her plan.

I've got all the

power right here.

SARA: If you say so.

I do say so.

But I'm going to need your help.

The hell with that.

I'm joining in on this.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

Please don't let

me screw this up.

OK.

Here goes nothing.

[EERIE NOISE]

[ZAPPING SOUND]

[SIGHS] Now that's a finale.

Professor Gordon!

Easy, Cindy.

Kathy, I-- I can explain.

You were possessed.

You guys tied me up.

I was forced into this.

Oh, you poor thing.

Well, I mean,

it wasn't all bad.

I'm the only one the knew

what Dracovich was planning.

The only one that

could stop her.

And you already did a

pretty good job with that.

So why the rush?

I think I set

the house on fire.

[FIRE ALARMS SOUNDING]

Fire!

Run!

[FLAMES CRACKLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Can really foretell

the future, Madam Zola?

That would be so cool.

I thought I was Mr.

Malkovich, my history teacher.

Dracovich, Malkovich.

I didn't know vich was vich.

There's no need to shout.

You might wake the dead.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

[LAUGHS]

You'll know when

it's your time to die.

No, you know, I was

just looking for something

to cut the cake with.

Hm.

Will this do?

I've only got

one shot at this.

Please don't let

me screw this up.

Well, sadly, death finds

everyone, sooner or later.

Too bad for you, it was sooner.

Are you feeling OK?

Yeah, of course I am.

It's you that I'm

kind of worried about.

Am I some kind of mega loser.

This sh*t board.

Oh, please.

That gag only works

on "Three's Company."

Well, I was thinking maybe the

best way would be on your back.

Kathy, it's supposed to

say Happy Homecoming.

I think the base is uneven.

Now, about your leave--

[LAUGHS] I thought

she'd never leave.

We brought you a

housewarming gift.

You know, really, I'm just--

just the curious sort.

Uh, you know.

We were discussing how I could

best serve the student body.

Past, present, future.

All is known to

those who possess

the powers of the psychic word.

CINDY: I've got the money.

Oh, wait, wait.

Take my card.

Who are you calling cheap?

Your fortunes are about

to change very soon.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]