01x02 - The Tunnel

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

[chuckles]

-Whoa!

-[both scream]

Ah! [scream]

[Norma laughing]

Ah, no!

Huh?

Ah!

Ouch.

-[Barney yells]

-[Norma laughs]

[sigh]

-Hey.

-[all scream]

[Pauline over speakers] Thank you

for visiting Phoenix Parks.

I hope y'all come back soon.

Safe trip! Take care now.

Don't sue.

[photographer] Please say cheese.

Next. Say cheese.

-Next.

-[Buster Scruffs chuckles]

[photographer] Thank you.

Okay. Say cheese.

-And next.

-[Buster Scruffs] Come on, little girl.

Come on.

-[whimpers]

-[chuckles] Oh, come on, Norma.

-[whimpering]

-[Swati] Norma?

It's okay, blossom.

[echoing] Buster Scruffs wants to meet ya.

[Buster Scruffs] Hello!

[woman] So sorry, why is the line

not moving? Is there a problem?

[hyperventilating]

[distorted] What's wrong, little girl?

[distorted] What's wrong?

-[all gasp]

-[hyperventilating]

[sobs] Hmm?

[laughing]

[crowd laughing]

[dramatic music playing]

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Now say "door."

-Door.

-[giggles]

Okay, okay. Uh, now say "pumpkin."

Uh… Pumpkin.

[laughs]

Oh, oh, okay.

Now say, mmm, "indubitably."

In-jupitoo-boop-bo.

Indubi-tu-poo-tep.

[scoffs] Indubiti-bark-ffrt-ai-ha!

-Okay, say it again. Say it again.

-[giggles]

-Oh, Pugsley. One more go.

-Indu--

-[door opens]

-[both scream]

What the heck is going on here?

Despite your valiant efforts

to rid me of my demonic curse,

it appears I still have the ability

to talk to people if I--

-How did you get here before me?

-Uh…

Were you here all night?

Uh, good question,

but wouldn't you rather, uh,

ask Pugsley a question?

Like why do dogs sniff each other's butts?

Well, let me explain.

For dogs, one smell

is worth a thousand barks.

[sniffs]

For instance, Norma,

I know you had eggs for breakfast.

Ha! Wrong.

[Pugsley] Two days ago, with avocado and…

-Huh?

-[sniffs] …chili flakes.

-How could you--

-[sniffs]

Ah! Ah! Stop it!

Well, I could listen to you

all day long, Pugsley.

All these years,

I've been blabbering on to you.

It's about time you got a chance

to say something back.

Would you like to know

what your butt smells tell me?

Ugh. Ah!

-Stop doing that.

-[grunts]

This is all the stuff that the old

Dead End employees had on 'em

when they die…

[sputtering] Disappeared.

[chuckles] Mysteriously.

-[Pugsley sniffing]

-Might help you blend in.

Ugh.

Huh?

Hmm. Ugh, nah.

Ah!

Ooh, a fez.

[Pugsley] Mmm.

Ooh! That's lucky.

[gasps] Park pass. Great, we need that.

Oh. [laughs] Yeah, right.

I was talking about this.

Ew, powdered gravy mix?

Lunch!

-Ah!

-[munching] Mmm!

Ugh.

[squeals] Barney,

do you know what this means?

Uh, your new name is Jennifer?

[giggles] No, a gold pass means

all access to every part of the park.

You mean we could go

on every ride, every restaurant,

every secret location whenever we want?

Yeah, but first…

Mandatory employee initiation!

Huh.

[microphone feedback]

Hello, newbies. Welcome to Phoenix Parks.

My name is Badyah Hassan

and I'll be your guide today--

Oh, uh, okay. Uh, yes?

When will we get to meet Pauline Phoenix?

Uh, well, she doesn't usually

come to staff meetings.

She's a very busy woman.

Barney, did you hear that? She's busy.

That means a new album is coming.

Ugh. How long is this gonna go on for?

Oh, I'm hoping for the three-hour version.

[footsteps approaching]

[romantic music playing]

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Hi, I'm Logan Nguyen.

Yeah, the three-hour version

sounds great to me.

Ugh. That's like a full day in dog hours.

Oh, neat. Is that a new mascot?

-No, I'm Pugsley.

-Uh, yeah.

Norma, I'm sure you've got

some great mascot facts, right?

Well, they retired all the original

mascots about ten years ago…

[grunts] I thought

you were excited that I could talk.

Oh, yeah, totally.

Just… just not here, or in public.

We can talk all you like at home.

Oh. Okay.

Listen, buddy,

after all that happened yesterday,

your safety is my first priority.

I am not gonna leave your side.

Okay, who wants to be my partner?

Hi, I'm Barney.

Oh, hi, Barney. What do you do?

Oh, uh, I work out.

I travel. I'm a foodie.

No, no, I mean at the park.

[chuckles nervously] Uh, yeah.

-Huh?

-Will we do the original Starter Tour?

Or the slightly revised Starter Tour 2.0,

which includes

the customer service simulator?

[chuckles] Maybe you would like

to lead the tour yourself.

[gasps]

Good morning, everyone.

I'll be your guide, Norma.

And in a moment,

we'll be boarding the monorail.

I was joking, but sure, go ahead.

This is the model S426B,

introduced 14 years ago.

Note the faulty

air conditioning. [chuckles]

Okay, everybody aboard

the mandatory initiation express.

[screams] Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney.

Those doors are horrible.

They're even worse than the hand dryers

at the Dinosaur Restaurant.

[shushes] Keep it down.

-What was that?

-[chuckles] Nothing, nothing.

I sometimes, I just…

I talk to myself, not in like a weird way.

In, like, a really, really,

really cool way.

Ugh.

[demonic whisper]

[creature 1 groaning] Meat.

[creature 2 groaning] Meat.

Welcome, everybody,

to the new Starter 2.0, the Extended Cut.

Settle in and let's get the show

on the road, or should I say rail?

[all groan]

Here we go.

On your left,

you'll see the Western Walkway,

inspired by Pauline's early…

…and that's why Pauline

never worked in Hollywood again.

On that note, we've come to the end

of the extended Starter Tour 2.0.

I hope you've all had a blast.

I know I have!

Yeah, I probably

shouldn't have allowed that.

Is it me or did that seem really long?

Oh, uh, did it? I didn't notice.

[whimpering]

Okay. [breathes deeply]

Come on, Pugsley. You can do this.

[grunts]

-Okay.

-[Pugsley] Uh, Barney?

To wrap things up, let's do a pop quiz.

Barney. Barney. Barney…

…guest on fire, should you,

A, leave them alone.

B, refund their ticket. C, ask…

I want to get off! [howling]

[whimpering]

[eerie music playing]

[brakes screech]

[whimpering]

-[thud]

-Oh! What was that?

Hello?

-[thud]

-Ah!

Oh, no.

-[panting] Okay.

-[thudding continues]

[whimpering]

[creature growls]

[breathing heavily] Okay. Oh, no. Okay.

[exclaims] This is not okay.

[panting]

[screams]

[panting]

Huh? [screams]

And remember, as Pauline always says,

if you see anything suspicious…

[all] Just keep it to yourself, darlin'.

Meat!

-[screams]

-Huh?

-[Norma] Huh?

-Uh…

-It got Josh! It got Josh!

-[Josh screaming]

Barney, quick!

-But he's got Josh.

-[mascot growling]

Barney, come on!

[Josh continues screaming]

Wait, where's Pugsley?

I need to go back and get him.

Barney, we have to keep going.

No! Pugsley could be in danger.

If we go back up there,

we'll be in danger too!

-But he's gone.

-Barney.

If you want to find Pugsley,

we have to find another way out of here.

[panting]

[groans]

What is this place?

This is the under-park,

an ingenious network of tunnels

with secret entrances hidden everywhere!

How do you know about all this?

I didn't spend ten years

obsessing over old park maps for nothing.

Uh, I see why they leave

this part off the tour.

-[creature belches]

-[gasps]

-[hisses]

-[both scream]

[Norma grunts]

[chuckles] Hey, mortals.

Courtney?

How's your first day going?

Ugh, we're being chased

by a flesh-eating monster.

[chuckles] Ooh, so pretty good, right?

Wait, is that Pugsley's hat?

Huh? I don't know.

I just found it back there.

[gasps] Show me.

[wheels creaking]

[Pugsley breathing heavily]

[whimpering]

[yelps] Oh, please just eat me quickly.

Eat me quickly.

Huh? Wait, you're…

You're mascots?

[mascots] Meat.

Meat.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't eat kids.

If you're hungry,

I can get you some dog chow.

It's 5% meat.

Meat!

[mascots groaning]

Oh!

[Courtney] And here we go.

This is where I found the hat.

Don't say I never take you anywhere nice.

Isn't this place amazing?

Wow! I never thought I'd get to see these.

So clever, so utilitarian.

-[mascots groaning] Meat!

-Huh?

Oh, Pugsley.

What if I never get to see him again?

Guys, guys, you gotta come see this.

-[mascot 1] Meat.

-[mascot 2] Meat.

-[Pugsley] That's it. That's it.

-[gasps]

No need to push.

There's room for everyone.

Psst, Pugsley. Pugsley, over here.

-Oh, hey, Barney, how'd--

-[shushes]

Behind you.

Oh, oh, yeah. I know.

I'm helping them get what they truly want.

What are you doing?

Yeah, I just told you that.

All the mascots want is to go out and--

This is very bad, Pugsley.

Bad Pugsley!

Me bad? You abandoned me.

-Bad Barney!

-Bad Pugsley.

-Bad Barney.

-Bad Pugsley.

-Bad Barney.

-No, bad Pugsley.

-Bad Barney! Bad Barney!

-Bad Pugsley! Bad Pugsley!

-Bad Barney!

-Oh, you're impossible!

Why can't you just be

like you used to be? [echoing]

You know what, Barney?

You sound just like Grammy Gram.

[melancholy music playing]

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

Okay, guys, time for your comeback!

[mascots] Meat!

I heard Jennifer Swan

joined a traveling theater group.

I'm sure I saw her working

at Frank's Dune Buggy Emporium.

[mascot growling]

Okay?

[both scream]

[chuckling] Look, Grandpa!

It's Barf the Bear.

[laughs] I remember these old mascots

from back in my day.

[child chuckles] Hello.

[groans]

Meat!

-I don't recall them doing that.

-[screams]

[sizzling]

-[bell dings]

-Mmm-hmm? What can I get ya?

-Meat!

-[screams]

-[people clamoring]

-[mascot 1 growling] Meat!

[mascot 2 groaning] Meat! Meat!

Oops. Bad Pugsley.

[grunting]

I can't believe that dog.

I do not sound like Grammy Gram.

Quick. [grunts]

We gotta find Pugsley

before he does something stupid.

-[mascots] Meat!

-[gasps] Too late.

-[shudders and grunts]

-[banging on door]

Barney, this is bad.

Bad. Yeah, he called me bad,

can you believe that?

I'm the only one

that knows what he's going through.

I'm just trying to protect him.

Wait, you're trying

to protect him? [exclaims]

By hiding him away?

Yeah, what's wrong with that? Ugh!

Why can't he go back to my Pugsley, and--

-[grunts] Hold it!

-[gasps]

-Wait.

-[Norma grunts] Oh, no.

[both panting]

I do sound like Grammy Gram.

-[grunting]

-[mascots] Meat.

[gasps]

Meat!

-What now?

-Uh… See ya.

Eh. Fair enough.

-Meat.

-Ah! [whimpers]

Meat!

No, no, no, no, no.

No, please. No!

[groans]

[mascots] Meat. Meat.

[Norma] Someone please!

[whimpers]

Huh?

[pen scratching]

[mascot] You're welcome.

[Norma] "Fur-ever pals."

Meet!

And greet.

[gasps] Pugsley was right!

Yeah, he was right. I am a bad Barney.

-[Norma] Huh? No.

-[gasps]

I was talking about the mascots.

They don't want to eat people.

They want to meet people.

Meet!

[screams]

Oh, God. No don't… don't run.

They don't want to hurt you.

They want to befriend you.

They want to meet you!

[screams]

Meet!

[exclaims]

[screams]

[giggling]

Huh?

-[screams]

-[mascot] Meet!

[screaming]

Meet!

-[clamoring]

-[Pugsley] Please, stop. Ugh.

Why is nobody listening to me?

I am listening to you.

And I should've listened to you all along.

You're right, Pugsley.

Mascots don't mean us any harm.

No, Barney, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

I didn't want to create panic

across the park.

-Don't worry. We've got a plan.

-[intercom chimes]

[Norma over speakers] Everyone,

this is your one-minute warning

for the Phoenix Parks daily mascot parade!

I repeat, the daily mascot parade

will be starting shortly in Main Street.

Join the fun.

Come on, come on, bookmarks.

Don't fail me now.

Yes, for the last time, I accept cookies.

Ah, gotcha!

What is she doing?

Oh, she's got it all figured out.

And so have I. I…

I won't hide you away again.

Time to meet the public.

What do you say?

Indubitably.

1982 full recording Phoenix Parks Parade,

here we go.

[parade music playing]

-[mascot] Meet. Huh?

-[whimpering]

Meet… Oh.

[mascots] Meet.

Meet!

[mascots] Meet. Meet.

It's working. It's working!

[parade music continues playing]

Smile and wave. Smile and wave.

-[crowd cheering]

-[grandpa] This is more like it! [laughs]

Meet!

What was all this about?

Just keep it to yourself, darlin'.

It's working!

Feels like it's missing

that Pauline magic.

Aha! Now we're talking.

[fireworks bursting]

Okay, yup. In you go. [chuckles]

Nice, yes. Nice to meet you. [chuckles]

[growls]

[whimpers]

[mascot speaking indistinctly]

Aww. [chuckles]

[all laugh]

Ah, these stink.

[inhales and sighs]

[sniffing] I'm getting chlorine

and notes of walnut,

and, oh, cheese gas.

This is perfect.

I could do my laundry here.

-Why can't you do that at home?

-Um…

So you did stay the night.

I knew it. Why would you do that?

I, uh… I…

I just can't be at home right now, okay?

I'm gonna stay here for a few days.

Pugsley too.

I don't think that's allowed, Barney.

[sighs]

This is the first place I've ever felt

like I could just truly be myself.

But that's how I feel.

I didn't think you cared about the park.

It's not the park. It's…

It's me.

I'm trans, Norma, and everyone at school

knows and everyone at home knows,

and being here,

it's like a whole new place.

I can just be Barney and I can choose

if and when I tell people.

I've never been happier

and that's saying something

when I spent today

chased by terrifying zombie mascots.

Pugsley reminded me how important it is

to live your life without apology.

So I think I got to give

living here a shot. Don't you?

You don't need my permission.

I just wouldn't want Courtney

as a roommate.

[washing machine rumbling]

[voice shaking] We'll be

the best of friends!

[laughs]

Just don't touch my dead fly collection.

Or my alive fly collection.

Or my stamps.

Okay.

-[machine stops]

-Oh.

What I still don't understand

is how did those things come alive

in the first place?

Hmm, I got a few theories.

[yelps]

[gasps]

Ooh!

[laughs maniacally]

Powers, powers, power… Yes!

Temeluchus commanded

armies of empty suits of armor,

piloting them with memories

like ghosts raised from the dead.

Bingo!

I knew I'd seen

this mascot parade somewhere.

Oh, boy. [laughs]

You're still in that dog, Your Majesty.

Just a shred, but that's enough for me.

I'm going home!

[Pugsley] Hey, Courtney! Courtney!

Hey, it's Pugsley!

Ah! [chuckles nervously] Hi!

[closing theme music playing]