01x08 - The Pauline Phoenix Experience

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[chuckles]

-Whoa!

-[both scream]

Ah! [screams]

[Norma laughing]

-Ah! No!

-Huh?

Ah!

Ouch!

-[Barney yells]

-[Norma laughs]

[sighs]

-Hey!

-[all scream]

-[thunder rumbling]

-[suspenseful music playing]

[Norma as Patience] What does it mean

to be truly alone?

I have had ample time to ponder

this question all these long years,

wandering these halls

from witching hour to dawn,

with only the creak of foot on the floor,

and the whisper of the wind

through the eaves to keep me company.

[snoring]

But in my heart, I am alone.

-[Barney as Reginald] Patience!

-[gasps] Reginald!

My darling sister, why are you awake

at this late, late hour?

A beautiful young woman such as yourself

should be tucked up in her boudoir

as soon as the night c*ck

has sungeth his sweet lullaby.

-Wouldn't you agree, Uncle?

-[walking stick thuds]

[Pugsley as Uncle] It is not for me

to agree or disagree

with the choices of man,

for I am something beyond humanity now.

And when the full moon emerges

from the clouds outside,

you'll see, you'll both see…

-Even Mildred will see!

-[exclaims]

Cousin Patience, I can't sleep.

[Patience] Cousin Gail,

it is far past your bedtime.

Forgive me,

but I had such awful night horrors.

Visions of witches,

gargoyles and communists.

Oh, my ghost, Patience…

something is wrong.

One of you, all of you,

you're not meant to be here.

Now, now, back to bed with you.

All right, dear,

let me fetch you some bubbly milk,

and I'll see you back to your slumber.

This is wrong.

You're not supposed to be here, you.

All of you,

you're not supposed to be here!

[thunderclap]

What the… Barney!

I asked you to stop

dressing me up when I fall asleep.

-Dressing you up?

-[screams]

And who is this Barney you speak of?

What? Barney, wake up! [panting]

Ow, Pugsley! Pugsley! Pugsley, that hurt!

Wait, why are you in black and white?

Why is everything in black and white?

Well, it looks the same to me.

I think we're in the TV.

In the TV? But this doesn't look like

Pauline's insurance commercial.

I just put the young madam back to sleep.

Thank you, Mildred.

Now go polish all the silver in the house.

Ugh, again?

Hey, Norma! Uh, how do we get home?

-[clicking]

-[white noise]

What is that? Who… Who are they?

Ooh, you redecorated!

Love the statement wall.

[Barney] No, Pugsley,

that's the fourth wall.

Maybe that's the exit?

[medieval music playing over TV]

[exclaims]

[grunting]

[gasps] Barney, come back!

No! Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.

[ominous music plays]

[medieval music playing]

Ouch!

There's a good reason

they don't make clothes out of metal.

This is another one of Pauline's movies.

[in British accent] I am not

an unreasonable Queen,

despite what

my many enemies would tell you,

but they can't, because they're all dead.

[chuckles] She never really

got the hang of that accent, did she?

-Silence!

-[gulps]

If you can defeat Sir Spheroid in battle,

then you may have my daughter's hand.

I am not a prize to be won.

Unless you're hot, or rich. [chuckles]

Or hot and rich.

Uh… Huh?

[footsteps thudding]

Norma?

That's Sir Spheroid to you, swine.

[grunts]

[screams]

[whimpering]

[exclaims]

-[Norma grunts]

-[exclaims]

Oh, what fun!

Avoid the sword!

Thanks for the tip, Pugsley.

We gotta change the channel!

[Barney screams]

[screams] My hair! My beautiful hair!

[exclaims]

Ahh! Barney!

No! My hot and rich suitor!

Come back! [grunts]

[projector whirring]

[saloon piano music playing]

Oh. Dynamite Doris.

This is like the only Pauline movie

I've seen.

[in Western accent] You be

saying something, Justifer Jones?

Oh, hey Pauline!

I was just saying I love this movie.

[distorted] You be saying something,

Justifer Jones?

[shudders] Creepy.

Maybe if I play along and get to the end

of the movie, we can escape?

Worth a shot.

[clears throat]

You be saying something…

[distorted] Justifer Jones?

[in Western accent] I ain't got nothing

to say to the likes of you, Doris.

You've got some nerve

showing your pretty little face here.

As those there mountains are my witness,

I will put you away someday.

[tense music playing]

[in normal accent] Wow, I am good at this.

Now, if I remember,

the first guy she kills is the sheriff.

Hey, Sheriff, you ready to order?

-Oh.

-[horse whinnies]

[suspenseful music playing]

[spurs tinkling]

Well, look at you, Alligator Anderson.

-Alligator Anderson.

-Alligator Anderson?

[tense music playing]

So you found me, Alligator.

[in Western accent] Ya came to my bar,

you wanted to be found.

Now, now!

There's to be no fighting in my bar,

or you'll both be out on your behinds.

Norma, please wake up.

Stop!

[g*nsh*t]

Oh, right, blanks.

[sighs] It's just a movie.

[in Western accent] Oh, well, I'll be!

[thuds]

That sure is some sharp sh**ting, ladies.

Oh! Oh, oh! [fake grunts]

Let me just go fetch my tombstone.

[both grunt]

Come on, we have to get out of here.

I'll get that Dynamite Doris

if it's the last thing I do.

Hey, why you be acting

so foolish like just…

Ouch!

Courtney, we need to wake up Norma

and get out of here!

[in normal accent] But things

are just getting good in there.

Argh! And where's Pugsley?

[Pugsley] Here.

Please don't laugh.

[both laughing]

Come on. It's not funny,

I'm scared of heights!

[both continue laughing]

-[g*nshots firing]

-[glass breaking]

[Barney] That's the way out!

-Whoa, whoa. Hey, who said you could--

-[g*nsh*t fires]

Wait, what about Norma?

She's having the time of her life! Go!

-[neighs]

-[both scream]

[enthralling music playing]

[projector whirring]

[white noise]

[romantic music playing]

-[narrator] Previously on Dr. Love…

-Huh?

[gasps] Come on, wake up!

Wake up my patients?

Doctor Reverend Harvard,

you may be a doctor and a reverend,

and a world-famous tightrope walker,

but I cannot let my feelings for you

interfere with my job.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to perform emergency surgery

on an astronaut who is also my ex-twin.

Why can I cure every heart…

[sobs] except my own?

Why did I have to get this role?

-[screams]

-You wanna swap?

Norma, you're awake!

I-I-I mean, double awake.

Uh… [overdramatically] Oh!

The bright lights!

I feel myself fading away again.

Going back to my seven-year-long coma.

That's terrible acting.

Come on, Norma,

you know you're on TV? Since when?

Ugh, since Dead End.

I figured it out.

I figured it out straight away.

What? But you tried to k*ll me, twice!

You don't understand! [panting]

Hey, wait! Courtney, come on!

Oh, but I like it here.

They have great snacks. [slurps]

Move!

[tribal drums playing]

[primitive voice] I am Troglodytey,

Queen of the Cave Women.

And as punishment

for entering our kingdom,

you are sentenced to death…

[panting] Norma, you have to listen to me.

-…by Diplo-duckus.

-[roars]

True love's kiss! ♪

[Pugsley exclaiming]

Norma, you can't keep running away!

[panting] Yes, I can!

Great job. Keep it up, everyone.

Now, reach for the stars.

This is doing amazing things for my core.

Glad you're having fun,

but can you actually help us, maybe?

This is human business, mushy stuff.

I'm keeping my distance.

I'm hearing a lot of "can't" out there,

but not a lot of "can-can-can"!

What's wrong, Norma?

Why don't you want to go back?

Because when we go back,

everything will be different.

She'll be different.

What, Pauline?

But the real Pauline is out there.

We have to stop her. Wait!

[grunts]

Whoa! [screams]

You be saying something, Justifer Jones?

Wake up my patients?

Oh, what fun!

You're not supposed to be here!

Just keep it to yourselves, darling.

…are sentenced to death!

[screaming]

[thunder rumbling]

[screams]

[thuds]

What? Back here again?

Norma…

Save it, Barney.

Norma, we have to go back.

We need to stop Pauline.

No, you go. I'm staying here.

But none of this is real.

So what? Look at me, Barney!

I'm Patience Bonaparte,

the lady of Dead End!

I can stay here forever with Pauline.

With my Pauline.

Not that thing from the museum.

I can be whoever she needs me to be.

You know, it's pretty cool

to see the house like this,

in its original glory. [chuckles]

I love this house too.

I chose it as my hiding place,

just like you.

But it doesn't work.

In the end,

you can't hide from your demons.

[chuckles] I don't care

if you hide from me.

I see enough of your dumb face all ready.

Not now, Courtney.

Ugh! [mocking] Not now, Courtney.

You could stay here

and be all these other people,

or come back and be Norma Khan.

I don't know anyone else

who has defeated a fear demon

or stopped an army of zombie mascots,

or even rewrote

the park's guidebook from scratch.

Well, it was a bit uninspired,

and the Russian translation

was really lacking.

Exactly! Not even Pauline

has done those things.

[screen humming]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

It's working.

Come on, let's go.

Before we go back,

there's one more thing I need to see.

By the way, you were amazing

as Patience Bonaparte.

I'm glad you noticed.

[woman] This is bogus, Pauline.

Why hire a stunt woman

when you can do your own stunts?

I hardly consider

sitting on a swing a stunt, Barbara.

It's Barborah. I'm just worried about you.

Every time you do your own stunts,

something goes wrong.

I'm just saying because I care about you,

and because…

Yes?

You're not as young as you used to be.

Oh, is that so? Then why I still getting

all these leading-lady roles, hmm?

This is a life insurance commercial.

Excuse me! I will have you know

that this ad is for the trendiest,

most fly life insurance on the market.

I can do this myself!

Fine! It's your funeral!

This world is lame.

Let's go back to the morgue.

[crew member] Okay, everyone, places.

Samsara Mutual,

Pauline Phoenix Spirit Package, take one.

Action!

[Pauline] You love your family.

You make sure they wear their seatbelts

and wash their food before they eat it,

so why are you selfishly

leaving them with nothing

when you inevitably die?

It could happen any day now

and you haven't planned for it at all

because you are a bad person

who only thinks of yourself.

But not me,

because I've signed up

to the Spirit Package

by Samara Mutual.

Oh, it's the best, most expensive

life insurance option on the market.

Sign up today

using the number on your screen,

and you know by paying more,

you'll get more

for those you leave behind,

because no one lives forever.

Not even star… [screams]

[gasps] Cut! Cut, cut! Pauline!

-[Norma gasps] No!

-Pauline! Wait, where is she?

[cameraman] Oh, my camera!

[thuds]

[panting] Pauline! Pauline, no!

[sobbing] Pauline, please,

please wake up. Please!

What?

Not bad. [sucks teeth]

Shame about the teeth.

[crew member] Pauline,

dear, are you okay?

I'm fine! Just a scratch.

No one will ever see this…

[in demonic voice] tape.

[crackling]

[all exclaim]

[sighs] We're back at the museum,

but the ghost is gone.

How long were we in there?

We just saw Pauline die.

Like really, really die.

And judging by

that "radical ad" soundtrack,

like, 30 years ago.

Pauline's ghost possessed Barborah,

and once she was done with her,

she kept possessing

more and more look-alikes…

Staying young forever,

and keeping her career alive.

And Jennifer was her latest victim.

[panting]

[screaming]

But if Jennifer's free now,

Pauline needs a new body.

Who's gonna be next?

Hey, Norma,

Pauline is way cooler than I thought.

I get why you're so obsessed with her now.

Maybe I'll join the fan club.

[Norma sobbing] She's been using us.

Using her fans. Lying to us all!

Yeah. Like I said, cool, right?

Courtney, this isn't a joke.

I'm not joking! It's a clever plan!

Using human stupidity

and trust against them,

her idiot fans lapping up every word.

[laughs maniacally]

I can't believe anyone would be so dumb.

[sobbing]

-Norma?

-Huh?

-[Pugsley barks]

-Whoa!

-[barking]

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, little buddy!

Easy there. I'm just messing around.

You love it when I do that.

A human is upset, so you need to back off!

A human?

Oh, right, because you still see me

as less than you, don't you?

I didn't know this was

a secret human-only club!

Humans and dogs.

You keep your distance

with mushy human stuff.

We don't need you right now.

-[Norma sobbing]

-Oh, when do you ever need me?

Fine! I'm out of here.

Don't try to stop me!

We're not.

-[sobbing continues]

-[gulps]

Well, that's fine with me.

You guys are exhausting with

all your dumb emotions and friendships.

You almost tricked me into feeling

all that soppy stuff too,

but you know what? It didn't work.

[voice shaking] It didn't work.

[Norma] She's right.

I'm just another idiot fan.

[sniffles]

We have to stop her,

before she possesses someone else.

[door opens]

-[all scream]

-[woman] Hey, it's them, the traitors!

[Norma] Banned for life?

She turned the whole park against us!

Stupid humans with their stupid problems.

It's not my fault that

she was obsessed with that…

[gasps] Pauline?

Tough day, puddin'?

Uh, why are you here, talking to me?

Ha! You see, I seem to have

misplaced my last body,

and I'm in need of a new one.

Jennifer, lovely girl, but she didn't

quite have the staying power.

Good for you, but if you don't mind,

I was brooding.

And I know why.

Those meddling brats don't appreciate you.

But I do. I'm your biggest fan.

The way you sealed that Demon King

inside that little doggie,

oh, why, that's talent, Red.

I've been watching you for a while now,

and I think there's a way

we can help each other.

Ugh, what could you

possibly offer me in return?

I don't know,

maybe a little trip on the elevator.

[gasps] You could do that?

You could send me home?

[laughs] Come on.

This is Phoenix Park, sweetie.

Who do you think installed the darn thing?

[chuckles] It's a deal.

[theme music playing]