02x03 - Family Weekend

[bunniefuu]

[gentle music playing]

Hello, Professor Nieuwendyk, is it?

That's right, Professor Margadoff.

Yeah. Very good memory.

Wanna meet up later?

Well, actually, I have to go to Oakland.

I'm consulting on a rock opera

about the time

that John Travolta said "Adele Dazeem."

It's niche.

[Holly] Attention, everyone.

Good morning. Thank you for coming.

In order to address the events

surrounding Brad Vinick's portrait

on Friday,

we have hired a private investigator

from San Francisco.

So please welcome Julie Kovalenko.

Hi, everyone.

As Holly mentioned, I'm investigating

the burning of Brad Vinick's portrait.

I will be interviewing many of you

individually over the next few weeks

and ask for your cooperation.

Any questions?

Yes.

Holly, uh, are you wearing two blazers?

Oh. [chuckles lightly]

I guess I am. [chuckles]

Well, I got dressed

in a hurry this morning.

Follow up. If you were in a hurry,

how did you put on two?

Wouldn't that mean you had too much time?

Guys, I'm under a lot of stress,

and I haven't been sleeping well.

Mona.

Where did you get that blazer?

- Um

- No, the one underneath. It's cute.

Oh, thank you. Um

I think I got it from Macy's, maybe.

I don't remember. Um

You don't like the plaid?

It's not flattering.

That might be

because it's on top of another blazer.

Any other questions?

Any non-blazer questions?

Okay, great.

I'm just not 100% sure

why this is necessary.

Don't get mad at Julie.

This was my call.

Priority one is

to talk Vinick off a ledge.

Shockingly, he didn't love seeing himself

on fire in a garbage can.

Now, we are this close

to losing $400 million,

so this is an

all-hands-on-deck situation.

Okay. See you in a week.

Where you going?

Academic conference,

Rycliffe University in Dallas.

Holly's in charge.

You're in good hands. Buh-bye.

So, uh, Jack scheduled a meeting for us

with Vinick at his office at two o'clock.

We'll brief him on the investigation

while Charles keeps working undercover.

Jesus, I'm wearing three blazers? [sighs]

[Julie] Why are you upset about this?

- You're still on the case.

- I get how this makes sense.

It's just that it seems

like you're babysitting me.

I am babysitting you.

Why?

Because you skipped a key event

to go on a moonlit stroll

with your new girlfriend.

Actually, we're not using labels yet.

And then you told

that new girlfriend that you're a PI.

I

Follow up on the Max Griffin lead.

Find out if he went to the kitchen

to destroy his credit card receipt.

I'm gonna look into everyone who was

at Vinick's party, starting with Mona.

Look, there's no need.

Her alibi's airtight.

She was with me

when they burned the painting.

Then she went to the piano room

in the music building.

She wrote a song.

Plus, I know her.

No way she would do this.

Charles.

Do you know what her real name is?

Mona Margadoff.

No, it's not.

It's Mona Jungfeldt.

Before that, she went by Mona Gerbelsman.

And before that, she

went by Liz Hochbell.

I can't believe this.

That's because I made it up

to prove the point that you don't

actually know this woman at all.

So cool your jets and do your job.

Oh, my jets are cool.

My jets are zero degrees Kelvin.

That's the coldest something can be.

Zero molecular motion.

So that's like a science burn?

Oh, yeah.

If you knew science,

you would be reeling.

[theme music playing]

[Joel] Everyone thinks that the worst

part of being a public school teacher

is the lack of funding,

but do you know what it really is?

Mm-mm.

It's that the days I have off,

all three of my sons do too.

- Why do you have today off?

- Who knows?

Faculty Budget Appreciation Day?

- That can't be right.

- Mm-mm.

Can I have more chips?

What?

Can I have more chips?

Sure, the bag's right there.

[chips crunch]

Mom?

- Yeah?

- Can I get this game?

It's called Worm Squadron Alpha:

Worm-w*r 3.

No. No, no more games.

Bro, there's no school.

What else am I supposed to do?

- Aren't the SATs in, like, three weeks?

- Isn't your face my ba*ls?

Dude, you're a junior in high school.

- You're a junior in my ba*ls.

- [Wyatt laughs]

Jace, for God's sake.

Hey, Dad. Didn't know you were here.

Think I can get this game?

Worm Squadron Alpha: Worm-w*r 3.

We have to find a new activity

for these children.

[Vanessa] You were so good.

You were so brave today, Caden.

You get to pick whatever you want

from the treasure chest.

Then wait for your sister.

- Hi, Mom.

- [Vanessa] Hi.

Wha What are you doing here?

I have a meeting for a case nearby

and thought I would bring you

a cup of coffee.

[laughing] That's so nice.

Oh! Here, come meet everyone.

Linda, Diego. This is my daughter, Julie.

Oh my God, hi.

I've heard so much about you.

Julie, are you dating anyone?

My nephew's 26,

and he delivers groceries on the phone.

He sounds great. I have to go.

[Vanessa] Oh, okay, but since

you're in the neighborhood,

we were gonna have drinks

after work at the Mexican restaurant.

It's Linda's birthday. You wanna come?

It'll be fun. Apollo will be there.

Work is gonna go late. Sorry.

Sure.

[Diego] Nice to meet you.

[door opens]

- We have to debrief.

- [Vanessa] Mm! Mm-hm.

[Charles] Hey, Max. Got a second?

Got you a present. Um

Got you a meal schedule

from the dining hall

so you don't have

to go to the kitchen to check.

Could you maybe not tell anyone

that you saw me there?

Why not?

Last year, I wanted to write

this huge exposé on sports gambling.

I'd seen the horrifying effect

that it had on my students.

I had never gambled.

So I downloaded this app,

I put 20 bucks on a football game.

Sixteen hours later,

I blew my last four grand

on Malaysian women's badminton.

That's awful.

So you were in the kitchen for food?

Yeah, still a little short on cash.

So the dining hall guys

save me some leftovers.

It's pretty embarrassing

for a journalism professor,

so keep it between us.

Your secret is safe with me.

I am so sorry.

I had no idea you

were going through this.

I know.

I come off as this super tough,

super cool guy.

- Because of the motorcycle.

- The motorcycle. Yeah, exactly.

If there's one thing

that I've learned in journalism,

you think you know someone,

but scratch the surface even a tiny

bit you never know what you'll find.

[intriguing music playing]

- [Holly] Aw, man.

- [Julie] What?

Bad news?

Yeah. There was an asteroid

with a 2% chance of destroying Earth,

and now they say it's not gonna happen.

Can't catch a break.

Listen. I know things are tense

right now, but I'm very good at my job.

We will find who did this.

Your confidence is so reassuring.

Say something else confidently.

I've often thought that

if I really had to, I could land a plane.

[exhales]

So relaxing.

Give me another one.

I also truly believe I could win

in a fight against a moose.

Of course you could. Tell me how.

Just get low and take out its legs.

[sighs]

It's like walking in a Zen garden.

Thank you.

He's ready for you.

[clears throat]

- Holly.

- [Holly gasps]

Oh.

[Holly sighs]

[Julie] Mr. Vinick,

Julie Kovalenko, the PI

in charge of the investigation.

I'll tell you what I told the State Dept.

I was in Belarus for a wedding.

And I didn't use my own passport

so I could surprise them.

Wait. Wait.

Which investigation?

Wheeler College? The portrait.

Oh. Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah

Listen, I'm pissed off.

I'm giving Wheeler a lot of money,

and this is the thanks I get?

I have a lot of leads, and I assure you,

we will find the person responsible.

Mm.

[clicks tongue] You seem competent.

Pretty hot too. I like that.

How old are you?

Oh, you're

definitely not supposed to ask me that.

So you're over 30.

[Holly] Some good news.

Elizabeth Muki

from the Fine Arts Department

has finished your replacement portrait.

We brightened the background,

like you asked.

She wasn't 100% sure

how to make your eyes

look more expensive.

You, 34.

What do you think?

I think all oil paintings of serious men

look roughly the same to me.

You're right. This is boring.

Some righteous dipshit

torches my painting. Whatever.

At least it's an opportunity

to try something new.

[Brad snaps]

A statue.

I could be, um

on a horse, like Teddy Roosevelt.

Or I'm racing against a horse,

and I'm winning.

But just by a little so it's realistic.

Yeah. I'd like to get back to the case.

If you really wanna help me,

you will stay and talk him out of

whatever terrible idea he has.

All right, how about this?

A statue of my head

on one of those military dog robots.

Instead of being cooped up in a museum,

he's patrolling the campus.

To create fear.

- [Julie] Mm.

- All right, let's keep thinking.

- [intriguing music playing]

- [door creaks]

[door closes]

[lock rattles]

[woman] Can I help you?

Uh, no. No, I'm just looking around.

I'm a new professor here. [laughs]

You must be Charles.

Silver fox, pocket square.

Mona told us all about you.

Music building has

a very active group chat.

Did you need anything?

To be honest, Esmeralda,

kinda just wanted to

see where she worked.

- Mm.

- Do me a favor, though.

Don't tell her I was here.

I got you.

No one likes a thirsty dude.

[gentle music playing]

[cell phone ringing]

Hi, Dad.

Hey, sweetheart. How's it going?

Oh, fantastic.

The kids have the day off of school

for some reason.

Mom, why not?

I let you guys have the game.

I am not giving you $30

for digital worm coins.

Please? My worm needs a Juice WRLD skin.

Honey, I love you so much.

Go way over there.

Go.

Joel and I are slowly losing our minds.

How's the case going?

Actually, that's why I'm calling you.

I could use your help.

Okay, okay. I think Julie's right.

Mount Rushmore took, like, 15 years,

so four of me on a mountain,

that's just gonna take too long.

All right, so we're back to painting.

Next question, though,

who should paint it?

Maybe Why are we settling

for this Betsy woman?

What about somebody famous?

Andy Warhol?

He's very dead.

[huffs] Okay, cross him off.

Who else paints?

What about George W. Bush?

He's pissed at me right now,

but I could call him.

You guys want some coffee?

We got these incredible

new AI coffee machines.

All you gotta do

is say out loud what you want. Try it.

A latte with four shots.

Well, it doesn't make coffee

unless you give it a DNA sample,

so just come on over here

and spit in a little tray.

Uh, I'm good, thanks.

Okay, I've got a quick meeting.

Why don't you two come with me,

and we'll wrap this up?

Afternoon, Neal.

Hey, Brad. Green tea.

[spits]

All right, we're supposed to meet Grandpa

around here somewhere.

Oh, that's the building

where I took my psych classes.

And over there is

where your dad and I first made out.

Bro.

Why am I even here?

You're gonna be applying

to colleges next year.

We were gonna start touring in the spring,

but you might as well get a jump on it.

What's the point of college?

AI's just gonna take all the jobs.

Jace, that is probably true.

- [Charles] Hey, you two.

- Oh, hey, Dad.

Hey.

'Sup, Grandpa?

And a good 'sup to you as well.

All right, here's a map of campus.

So yeah, just go, you know, explore.

Check out the science center.

Maybe the library.

The student union

has a Chipotle and video games.

Sick.

So what are we investigating today?

A suspect claims to have been

in a rehearsal room

in that building behind us

during the time in question.

I need to see if her name is

on a sign-in sheet.

I can't get it without drawing attention

because everyone there already knows me.

In the music building?

- Mm.

- How do they know you?

Apparently I'm very memorable.

The term "silver

fox" was bandied about.

Anyway, tell them you want

to use rehearsal room C.

They'll hand you the sign-in sheet.

What is the perp's name?

M Mona Margadoff.

- Margadoff.

- It would've been last Friday night.

Sure you can handle this?

Oh, please.

This ain't my first rodeo.

It's my second rodeo.

Hi. I'm headed to rehearsal room C,

so I just need to sign in.

Are you faculty?

Yes, I'm new.

Great. May I see your Wheeler ID?

You know what? It's my first day.

I was gonna have it printed out,

but there was something wrong

with the machine.

Seriously?

That machine

is always broken.

- Ugh.

- Right?

It's like, machines! Ah!

Hang on. This one's full.

I'll set you up.

No, that's okay.

I can sign that one.

I hate wasting paper.

- No, it's full up. Here you go.

- Okay, cool.

[fake groans]

I just remembered I forgot my piccolo.

We have one you can borrow.

Mine is custom-made

because I have an irregular mouth.

So I'm gonna go get it,

and I'll be right back.

[Brad] I want it to be classic

but also revolutionary.

In 100 years,

I want Wheeler students

to look at that painting

and say, "He was a great man."

And then I'll tap him on the shoulder

and say, "And I still am."

And the best way to accomplish that

is to let me get back to work.

No, the best way to accomplish that

is with these longevity treatments.

They say the only sure things

are death and taxes.

Well, with enough money,

you can avoid both.

- Helmet time, Brad.

- Okay.

Cover your torsos, please.

Do we have to?

Well, that depends.

Do you like the way

that your blood is now?

[automated voice]

Epsilon wave treatment in five,

four,

three,

two,

one.

Activate.

Oh boy. Oh boy.

Uh

[machine whirring]

You know, I have a thought.

Um, what if we had a plaque, and

we listed all of your accomplishments?

[Brad] Nah, bad idea.

What about a metal sign

that lists all the cool stuff I've done?

So much better.

[automated voice]

Epsilon wave treatment complete.

Get those off. Now.

[alarm sounding]

[automated voice] Remove

contaminated garments.

Remove contaminated garments.

Remove contaminated garments.

- Remove contaminated garments.

- [alarm stops]

Okay. Just the injection,

and you should be all set.

Neck or p*nis?

Uh um

Surprise me.

- Okay, I'm leaving.

- [Brad] No, you're not.

We haven't settled on the monument yet.

That's not my job.

My job is to find the person

who's threatening you and the school.

Whatever. That whole painting thing

is gonna blow over.

You know, when you're

as successful as I am,

there's always some jealous whiner

protesting your success

or hauling you in front of Congress.

We're not gonna hear

from that person again. Trust me.

Well, Jack Berenger hired me

to find that person.

- If you don't mind, I'm

- [Brad] You're dismissed.

I'm letting you go for the day.

So go.

[Julie sighs]

Okay, I'll set you up with a double dose,

but I'll need you to take two of these

every 15 minutes for

the next three months

or you will die.

What was I supposed to do?

She put the paper in a drawer.

If I asked a second time,

it would've seemed suspicious.

Okay. Okay.

We can figure something else out.

How do you feel about dyeing your hair?

Didn't you say

this Mona lady's alibi was pretty good?

Maybe you should

focus on another suspect.

I can't do that.

'Sup?

Hey. How was the student union?

What's the student union?

The place you were going.

Where were you?

I don't know.

- You don't know where you were?

- When?

- Jace.

- Okay. Okay, all right, look.

First attempt failed.

But we can fix this.

Wait, Mom failed at something?

Your mother was on a mission for me.

I needed her to get an old sign-in sheet

from the music building

to see if a suspect's name was on there.

I can do it.

[intriguing music playing]

- Really?

- Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, all right.

It's for rehearsal room C.

The security guard

The security guard

already started a new one,

but we need the old sign-in sheet

from Friday night.

From Friday night.

We're looking for the

name Mona Margadoff.

Say it, Mona

Mo Say

'Sup? Know if Worm Fist

was here on Friday?

What's a Worm Fist?

It's my band. Or was my band.

I think they're trying to kick me out.

Even though I named us,

and I wrote all the songs.

I wrote "Slither,"

"Shriveled on the Sidewalk,"

"Love You Forever,"

"Worm Girl," "Worm Girl Part Two."

- "Instrumental"

- What do you need? Friday?

I wanna know

if they were rehearsing without me.

Thank you.

[sighs] Oh, man.

Maybe you should try writing

some non-worm-based songs.

- Yeah, probably.

- Yeah.

Charles?

Oh, hey, wha Oh!

- [laughing]

- Well

- [Charles] Hi.

- [Mona] Hi.

Hi, hey. Uh, yeah, I, uh

I thought you were in Oakland.

Oh, yeah, the rock opera fell apart.

Creative differences. Also, it sucked.

So I came back early to surprise you.

Hi, Mona Margadoff.

- Hi.

- [Mona] Hi.

I'm Emily, Charles's daughter.

Whoa.

[all laughing]

Big day, meeting the family so soon.

I really like your dad.

- So do I. Okay.

- [both laugh]

Yo, found Mona Margadoff

on the sign-in sheet for Friday.

She wasn't lying.

Bro, who's this?

You were investigating me?

Mona, just let me explain.

No explanation necessary.

You don't trust me.

I get it.

Okay.

Um, it was nice to meet you.

Bro, who even was that?

Okay, so we've actually been

investigating your girlfriend

who knows you're undercover?

Technically, yes.

Why didn't you tell me

you have a girlfriend?

I haven't dated anyone since your mom.

I wasn't sure how you'd react.

Okay, well, here is my reaction.

I am so happy.

Really?

Yes, of course, Dad.

You met someone. That's great.

And thank God we just proved that

she's not a suspect in a blackmail case.

- Yes. Yeah, no.

- Yeah.

That's excellent news.

Although, she is very smart.

Now, it's possible that she knew

that I was gonna check the sign-in sheet,

so she burned the painting,

then snuck back

and put her name

on the list to create an alibi.

Do you think she would do that?

I don't know what she would do.

I barely know her.

I mean, I don't even know

if Mona is her real name.

I mean, is it like short for something?

Ramona, Desdemona, Mona Lisa?

The Mona Lisa is a painting.

- Dad?

- I'm just saying, who is this woman?

Bro, I've been saying that.

He has.

Okay. [clears throat]

- Let me offer my detective theory.

- I

Maybe this is not about

whether Mona forged her name

on the sign-in sheet for rehearsal room C

like some master criminal.

Maybe you're freaking out because

this is the first new relationship

you've had with a woman in 48 years?

No. No.

No, no, no, that is not it.

Yes, that's exactly it.

sh**t.

That was wild.

I mean, that guy is insufferable.

How do you put up with him?

It's my job.

It's always hard.

But when guys like him

make it really hard,

I just focus on what I get out of it.

The money?

Is it worth it?

Of course it is.

The money is what ensures

the future of Wheeler College.

I'm a lifer.

I went there for undergrad,

and I started working

in administration right after.

Been there 40 years.

Wheeler is my place, and I love it.

And if you truly love something,

you have to do a whole lot of crap

you don't wanna do.

It's just part of the deal.

[Julie] Mm.

[upbeat Mexican music playing]

Hi, Mom.

- Julie, you came!

- [Linda] Julie!

Hey.

I couldn't disappoint Linda

on her big day.

- Happy birthday, Linda.

- [Linda] Thanks.

You know, I called my nephew

right after you left.

He's not much of a looker, poor thing,

but he is very excited to meet you.

Cool.

[Diego] Julie!

Can I just say, you are a goddess,

just like your mom.

- We love Mama V.

- Aw.

[Apollo] Jules?

Aw!

It's so nice that you came.

Can I get you a drink of

some of the best homemade miso soup

you've ever had in your life?

Oh.

Well, if not,

they have a full bar back there.

- Hey, babe.

- Hey.

Yes. Linda!

- [Linda] Hey! Get over here.

- That was a shockingly good hug.

- He's such a good hugger, right?

- Yeah.

It's one of my favorite things about him.

I'm gonna get something from the bar.

Need anything?

No.

[Emily] I mean, can you believe it?

I gave him dating advice.

I never thought that'd happen.

You're kinda burying the lede.

What about his girlfriend?

I mean, I didn't get

to spend very much time with her,

but she's very cool.

Oh, do you know

that old song, "Goodbye, Baby"?

Wait, from the arthritis commercial?

Yeah, but in like 1970,

it was a huge song.

That's her.

That was her band, Lavender Highway.

Your dad is dating a rock star?

Yes, and she's, like, sexy and stylish.

Grandpa pulls.

Jace, for God's sake.

- What?

- [Joel] No, he's right.

Sorry, babe, but your dad pulls.

Hey, what did you think of Wheeler?

It was chill. I want to go there.

What, really?

Yeah, I mean,

they had burritos,

the Wi-Fi was strong,

Esmeralda was chill.

I'll either go there,

or I'll go on Beast Games.

You know what, bud?

I'll take it.

[gentle suspicious music playing]

Good night.

Hey. Hi.

Can we talk for a second,

maybe somewhere more private?

Anything you want to say to me,

you can say in front of Esmeralda.

Oh, yeah, right. That's not true.

Okay, come with me.

Well?

What you got?

I never thought you were guilty.

I I just I I panicked.

Over the idea of dating someone.

Really, Charles? Come on.

- We are too old for that.

- No, no.

I'm I'm not.

You know, in relationship years,

I'm basically a teenager.

I haven't dated anyone new

since the Carter administration.

Fun fact,

I once went on a date with Billy Carter.

See? That Now, that's the point.

You've had this big, amazing life,

and I don't know anything about it.

And also, I'm crazy about you.

And those two things together

made me feel a little wobbly.

But the wobbly part is the fun part.

Charles, that first night,

when I saw you,

my knees buckled.

And it was exciting,

and so I walked right up

and started talking to you.

The great thing about new relationships

is you don't have all the answers.

[cell phone pings]

Oh, Wheeler News alert.

Apparently, Berenger gets a bonus

if he raises enough money.

That jackass.

He's gonna get rich

selling us out to Brad Vinick.

[Mona sighs]

That's not the real story.

Someone leaked Berenger's

personal email to the paper.

The blackmailer is following through

on their threat.

[a cappella group singing]

Ugh!

A cappella practice next door.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

There's like 45 different

a cappella groups in this college.

I swear.

[a cappella] Life is a highway ♪

♪ I wanna ride it all night long ♪

♪ If you're going my way ♪

♪ I wanna drive it all night long ♪

Through all these cities

♪ And all these towns ♪

♪ It's in my blood and it's all around ♪

I love you now like I loved you then

♪ This is the road and these are the hands ♪

From Mozambique

♪ To those Memphis nights ♪

♪ The Khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights ♪

♪ Knock me down, I'm back up again ♪

You're in my blood

♪ I'm not a lonely man ♪

♪ There's no load I can't hold ♪

♪ A road so rough, this I know ♪

♪ I'll be there when the light comes in ♪

♪ Just tell 'em we're survivors ♪

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I wanna ride it all night long ♪

If you're goin' my way

♪ I wanna drive it all night long ♪

- All night long ♪

- Gimme, gimme, gimme, ♪

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I wanna ride it all night long ♪

If you're goin' my way

♪ I wanna drive it all night long ♪

♪ All night long ♪