02x06 - Extracurriculars

[bunniefuu]

[gentle music playing]

[Holly] Okay, where are we?

Vinick got back from the Seychelles,

and he wants an update.

Unfortunately, all of our leads

have come up empty.

The pen, the threatening note,

the leaks to the newspaper.

- All dead ends.

- [sighs]

So many questions and no answers.

[sighs] Will Vinick give us his money?

Will Wheeler survive?

Can I get my old job back

at Hard Rock Cafe?

I think it might be time to start looking

at someone outside of the school.

We already went down that road.

No one else had access to the campus.

Except Vinick and Kelseigh.

Take a look at this language.

"Vinick is a snake."

"You take one dollar of his blood money."

These words,

they're filled with ego and hurt.

This is personal.

Did Vinick's wife go

with him to the Seychelles?

No, no, no. They never travel together.

- They're always cheating.

- They're always cheating.

- [Charles] Okay. Yes.

- Wait, what does that mean?

Let's imagine that

Vinick's having an affair.

- Of course.

- He definitely is.

Kelseigh discovers

the illicit canoodling.

Enraged by his betrayal,

she becomes bloodthirsty for revenge.

She decides to humiliate him,

to destroy his life.

Was she at the meeting

the night Berenger's laptop was stolen?

She was. She was

taking selfies, as usual.

Tell Vinick we're close,

but don't tell him who the target is.

[Holly] Okay. Copy that.

Hi. This is Holly Bodgemark.

I worked at the Hard Rock Cafe

in San Francisco in 1982.

Question are you hiring?

[theme music playing]

[cell phone ringing]

[phone beeps]

Hey, Mona.

Sorry to call you out of the blue,

but I'm on my way to pick up a xylophone

from my xylophone guy.

- You have a xylophone guy?

- [Mona] I do.

And I'm gonna have to get a new one

because he overcharges me like crazy.

Point is, his shop

is right near your office.

So I asked your dad for your number

to see if you wanna play hooky

and come with me,

and we'll get some food after.

God, that sounds so nice,

but I just have so much work to do.

Do you think you have too much work to do

because society says

you should always have work to do

because you're a prisoner of the system?

I'm not a prisoner.

How many windows in your office?

None. But this is a crappy temp office

because my real office doesn't have heat.

So no heat and no windows.

Interesting.

And how many other human beings

have you talked with today?

One.

The security guard.

Okay, yeah, this is a prison.

I'll meet you in the parking lot.

[Holly] Hello, everyone.

A few brief announcements.

First of all, the latest round

of budget cuts has gone into effect,

and the college

is no longer buying coffee pods

for the communal coffee machines.

However, Max Griffin has graciously lent

the faculty lounge his pour-over station.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sue.

If we rush the process,

the individual notes

won't properly mature.

More importantly, tonight

is the annual James Joyce symposium,

led by Dr. Benjamin Cole.

We hope to see you all there.

Sorry, what's this all about?

Every year I convene a symposium

on the life and times of James Joyce.

- Ah.

- Let me back up.

James Joyce was a famous novelist.

Let me back up again.

A novelist is a person

who uses words to tell stories.

[chuckling] I know who James Joyce is.

I'm an author. I wrote a book.

Well, so did the creator of Mad Libs,

but I wouldn't call him an author.

[scoffs] Hey, Benjamin, be nice.

All right. I'm sorry, Charles.

You and the creator of Mad Libs

are exactly the same.

- Excuse me.

- [cell phone vibrating]

Yeah.

Guess what Kelseigh

Vinick is doing today.

She is opening her new art exhibit

at a fancy gallery.

What's the exhibit?

A bunch of her selfies?

Yes.

- Really?

- [Julie] Yes.

It's called "Kel-See Me

as I Kel-See My Selfie."

[Charles] Wow.

And get this, according

to the invitation,

there's a discussion

led by Betsy Muki of Wheeler College,

followed by light refreshments

and chemical peels.

Apparently, this is yet another way

the school is sucking up to Vinick.

[Charles] Okay. Keep me updated.

I guess I'll go to Ben Cole's

boring James Joyce symposium.

You know, this stinks.

You get to do fun stuff.

I have to go to school?

- You're literally a teacher.

- [Charles blows raspberry]

Let's talk about some of the pieces

in this extraordinary exhibit.

Like this one,

in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Mm. So this is actually

a really interesting story.

I was in Paris, and I looked up,

and I went, "Whoa, what is that?"

Oh. Uh, well to me, the colors,

they evoke Seurat or even Chagall.

Oh my God. I love Steven Chagall. Yes.

Let's talk about this piece,

Selfie with Selfie.

Mm. So for this one, I took a selfie.

- Mm-hm.

- And I printed it out.

And then I took a selfie of myself

with that selfie.

It's very meta.

Oh no, this one I put on Snapchat.

Wait. I have an amazing idea.

[camera clicks]

- [loud indistinct chatter]

- [rock music playing]

Charles, you made it.

This is the James Joyce Symposium?

Mm-hm. Um, whiskey, neat.

Years ago, Ben wrote a brilliant paper

tracing the influence of Walt Whitman

on Ulysses and was awarded

an annual stipend

to honor the legacy of James Joyce.

Hm. And given that Joyce

was a legendary tippler,

I decided the best way to honor

his legacy was to throw a party

where we all get drunk.

Why didn't you just tell me

it was a party?

Well, if I told you it was a party,

I was running the risk that you'd come.

[laughs]

But since you did,

you should enjoy yourself.

Drink up.

- Thank you.

- [server] You're welcome.

Wow.

I still can't believe I did this.

What? Ditch work

or have a fun day for yourself?

Both. I mean, I think it's fine.

I've been at that job for like ten years.

At this point, I could do it in my sleep.

Do you like your job?

It's fine. I mean,

I used to like it a lot,

but it's just not what I wanted to do.

What did you want to do?

Well, I took psychology courses

at Wheeler,

and I thought I'd become a therapist.

But, you know, life gets in the way.

Life should not get in the way.

You should be telling it where to go.

Quit your job and go back to school.

I mean, in theory, yes.

But also, college and mortgage.

My grocery bill is insane.

My kids eat three times a day,

four times a day.

There will always be reasons

not to do something.

We spend a third of our lives at work.

If you're not getting value

out of your job, you should quit.

The rest will work itself out.

You know what?

You're right.

I told Joel years ago

that I wanted to go back to school,

and he was super supportive.

[dramatic music playing]

I'm gonna quit my job.

[Mona] Do it.

Do it now.

- Really?

- Yes. What else are we gonna do?

The bread isn't even here yet.

Okay.

Yeah. I'm gonna quit my job.

[laughing] Okay.

Uh

Hi, Bill. This is Emily.

Wondering if you might

have time tomorrow.

I'd like to have a discussion

with you about my future.

Okay. Great.

Yeah. I'll see you at nine.

You did it!

Oh, I feel wild!

[both laughing]

And the bread is here!

Oh my God, this is the best day ever!

[both laughing]

[Kelseigh] So this one was taken in the

big United States courthouse or something.

That's Daniel Day-Lewis.

They made a big, jumbo statue of him.

[Julie] Ms. Vinick.

I'm Julie, the private investigator

working for Wheeler.

Oh! Oh my God, hi!

Wait, you're very pretty

for someone with a job.

What's up with that?

- Thank you.

- Of course, girlie.

I'll take one of those, thank you.

- And stay close.

- [server] Mm-hm.

- No, I'm good.

- [woman screams]

- Oh my God!

- [both screaming]

- Hey!

- [both] Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Oh my God, you made it!

Julie, this is Amber.

She's a hot, sexy b*tch,

and she is my granddaughter.

[Amber] Mm-hm.

- Your what?

- [Kelseigh] My granddaughter.

Brad's granddaughter

from his second marriage.

We were in a sorority.

That's how Brad and I met.

She was my big, and now she's my grandma.

Aw.

Look at us. Look at us.

I can see you. Yeah. What a sweet story.

Where is Pop-Pop?

Or, I mean, your husband.

Oh, yeah, I mean, well, he bailed.

Classic. He said he had a meeting.

- Aw, bummer.

- Yeah.

Wait, wanna go to Dubai?

[gasps] Yes! Oh, but I can't. Tomorrow?

- Call me.

- [Amber] Okay.

- [both laugh]

- [Julie sighs]

- Bye!

- Bye! Send that to me.

Sorry about that.

Grandkids, am I right?

They're a handful. [laughs]

[out of tune] Islands in the stream ♪

That is what we are ♪

No one in between ♪

How can we be wrong? ♪

Sail away with me ♪

Andrea, you're leaving already?

I'm sorry, Ben.

I just have a meeting I can't get out of.

But have a whiskey for me.

No. Wait. If you are leaving,

we are doing the circle now.

Oh. [chuckles]

Okay.

[crowd cheering]

- [Ben] Gather round.

- The circle?

Oh, it's a Ben and Holly invention.

Yeah, you'll see.

It has come to my attention

that Andrea is leaving early.

[crowd] Boo!

- Your boos are warranted.

- [crowd laughs]

Life in academia can be thankless,

even in the best of times.

And these are not the best of times.

So we create a circle of praise

to remind us who we are

and why we are here.

And I'm going to start with Holly.

Holly Bodgemark, I owe you my career.

And I actually owe you my life.

Your job title is provost,

but we all know what you really are.

You are the glue

that holds Wheeler College together.

In praise of Holly.

[crowd] In praise of Holly!

Thank you.

And I would like to praise Andrea

so she can get out of here.

- Thank you.

- I don't understand economics.

But I do understand

dedication and brilliance.

And you have both.

Well, I also still have

that bra you lent me.

- [crowd laughing]

- Well, I need that back.

Yeah, I have it.

[all] In praise of Andrea!

[gentle music playing]

You were right. This looks great.

It really does. Cute. Cute. Cute.

See, if you hadn't played hooky,

you never would have found

this cool outfit.

It's so true. I'm gonna wear it at home.

That sweater was holding me back.

I didn't want to say anything,

but it really was.

What a fun day.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure.

My mom always used to say,

"The world is a playground."

"Might as well get out there

and enjoy it."

I love that.

Oh my God. [gasps]

This would make a beautiful

wedding dress, don't you think?

Yeah, that is incredible.

I'm gonna buy it.

In case Charles asks me to marry him,

or I ask him to marry me, you never know.

Sorry, is I is marriage something

that you and my dad were talking about?

[laughing] Oh, no,

we've not talked about it at all.

But it's always a possibility, right?

Like, in the sum total of all

the possible outcomes in the universe,

us getting married is one.

I'm gonna try it on,

and if I like it, I'll buy it.

Yay! [laughs nervously]

So a lot of people think

that taking selfies is easy,

but actually,

a lot of hard work goes into it.

For example, if you accidentally forget

to reverse the camera,

you might accidentally take a not-selfie.

- Thank you.

- Is there a word for that?

When the camera takes

a photo that's of not you?

Kelseigh

I came here tonight

because I'm still working on the case

regarding your husband,

and I could really use your help.

Oh, for real? You want my help?

- Yeah.

- Okay, low-key flattered.

But I know nothing about Brad.

I never see him.

I never know what he's up to.

That's what I wanted

He couldn't spare an hour

to come to my gallery opening.

This was supposed to be my night.

But of course, it's always about him.

You know what I mean?

When is it ever gonna be about me?

[cries]

[sobbing] I'm sorry.

I don't know why I'm so emotional.

I think I might know.

You're not drinking wine.

You're wearing an empire waist dress,

and you've started to crop your selfies

because you're trying to hide your belly.

I know what you think. It's not that.

I'm pregnant.

Yeah, that's what I

- What did you think I meant?

- I don't know.

I'm just flustered right now.

I'm sorry. I know I don't know you well,

but I'm freaking out.

Okay. All right.

Let's get you out of here.

- All right, I'll buy you a water.

- Okay.

No, I'm not allowed to have water.

I'm pregnant.

Oh no. You are always supposed

to have water.

As a carbon-based lifeform.

- Wait, for real?

- Yeah.

I've been drinking Pedialyte.

They said it was good for babies.

- Oh God.

- I'm already doing everything wrong.

[cries]

We're gonna get you some water right now.

[Kelseigh] I'm so thirsty.

- You have no idea.

- [Julie] I know.

Yeah.

Ben, you are haughty,

arrogant, and borderline rude.

Now name my bad qualities.

[crowd laughs]

You are also the north star

of the Wheeler faculty.

Without you, we would all be adrift.

- In praise of Ben!

- [all] In praise of Ben!

Okay, now that we're done with that,

we've come full circle.

Which means, back to drinking.

Wait. Charles didn't go.

I'm okay.

No, no, no. The rules are clear.

Everyone has to praise someone.

Okay, Charles, pick someone to praise.

I guess that one person

will have been praised twice.

Congratulations.

You really screwed this up.

[crowd laughs]

How could I choose?

- You're all devoted to Wheeler College.

- [emotional music playing]

Everything you say and do,

you say and do with conviction.

That's how I know,

for example, that Ben can't stand me.

[crowd laughs]

But it's also

how I know you're great teachers.

And it's just one of

the many reasons that

Wheeler is so special.

So, I would like to praise

each of you individually.

And all of you together.

In praise of Wheeler.

[all] In praise of Wheeler!

Time to take a breath once more ♪

Before the hammer blow ♪

Wrap myself around the veil ♪

- [bartender] Yeah. Be right with you.

- [Ben clears throat] Um

I'm forced to admit that

you strung together a few nice sentences.

That almost sounds like a compliment.

Call it a begrudging acknowledgment.

Hey, what [sighs]

What did you mean when you said

that you owe Holly your career?

[Ben] Mm

Forty-some years ago

I was teaching

at Dover University in Delaware.

The school was fine.

The people were fine.

It was sort of

the Delaware of universities.

One day, a young administrator

knocked on my door.

And she had seen me

deliver a paper on Lord Byron.

Asked whether I'd ever heard

of Wheeler College.

She saw something in you.

A kindred spirit.

- It's my story, Charles.

- Sorry.

She said that her gut told her

that I would be perfect for Wheeler.

And that Wheeler would be perfect for me.

I packed my bags, and I headed west.

That's a real leap of faith you took.

The way she spoke about Wheeler College,

she was so full of passion.

And passion is the

only thing that matters

in this corroded spittoon of a world.

But even passion can't stop time.

The way the winds are blowing,

soon I'll be forced to leave my post.

I take it you don't dream of retirement.

Oh God, no. I don't play golf, Charles.

I don't hike. I don't fish.

What I do is read books I love

and teach others how to love them too.

It gives shape to my days

and purpose to my years.

I've had 40 years of purpose here.

And for me,

life without Wheeler College is

[smacks lips] it

would not be life at all.

- [soft music plays]

- [Charles] Mm.

I felt the same when I retired.

And after my wife passed.

I was wrong.

Well, I'm glad for you.

I doubt I'll feel the same

when they send me packing.

"Better pass boldly into that other world

in the full glory of some passion

than fade and wither dismally with age."

That's Joyce, right? From "The Dead"?

You've read Dubliners.

Yes, Ben. I read books.

I admit I also do Mad Libs

with my grandkids.

But in my spare time, I read literature.

[bartender] Enjoy.

[xylophone tune playing]

[cell phone ringing]

Hey there.

Why didn't you tell me

it was a fun, boozy party?

More fun if it's a surprise. How was it?

I really had a great time.

[laughing] I think Ben likes me.

Or at least, his contempt for me

is simmering instead of boiling.

Oh. How was your day with Emily?

We had so much fun.

Your daughter is so lovely

and funny and just a great hang.

Oh, that's so wonderful.

[Mona] Yeah, we got along famously.

Honestly, the whole day was fabulous.

We totally meshed.

Mona scares me.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, she's smart

and cool and funny and nice.

But, ah She is wild.

I mean, she just says

whatever pops into her head.

And she is very cavalier

about, like, huge life decisions.

Oh, I know. At Thanksgiving,

she came up to me and she said,

"Should I buy this racehorse?"

I was like, "I don't know you, lady."

Well, earlier today,

she convinced me to quit my job.

What?

Yeah. I made an appointment

to meet with Bill tomorrow

and was fully intending on quitting.

Why?

I was telling her some you know,

true things about how I'm unsatisfied,

and I want to go get my master's

and become a psychologist.

Huh.

You're back there again.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

To be honest, I didn't even know I was

back there till she and I started talking.

I mean her confidence is intoxicating.

If we'd hung out for 30 more minutes,

we'd probably be Thelma and Louise-ing it

across the country by now.

Well, you're dressed for it, so

[cry chuckle]

I'm just worried about my dad.

I mean, is it safe for him

to be with someone who just so, like,

casually tosses out sticks of dynamite?

It's fair to be worried.

But you clearly do want

to go back to school,

and it seems like

you wouldn't have realized it

unless this dynamite thrower

was throwing some dynamite.

So maybe your dad

likes that about her?

You should quit your job

and become a psychologist.

- Oh, I already quit.

- Oh.

Mona and I are going splitsies on

that racehorse, so we're gonna be rich.

Hey! We'll get you

one of these suits too.

- Aw. But I don't want one of those.

- I already ordered it.

- No.

- Yeah, it's on its way.

[Kelseigh gulping]

[breathes heavily]

Thank you.

So things aren't great

between you and Brad?

I mean, he's not nice to me.

And he's definitely always

cheating on me, so no.

Do you know who it is?

Mm Probably someone from Wheeler.

He's, like, obsessed

with that grimy school.

I hear him talking on the phone

all the time to someone named Aurora.

"Aurora." Such a dope name, right?

[laughs]

You're not upset?

About the cheating?

No. Look, everyone thinks I'm an idiot,

but I know what I signed up for.

I'm just, like, so freaked out

about being a mom.

Well, no one is ever ready to be a mom.

I'm not just gonna be a mom.

I turn 30 in a week.

Don't tell anyone. Swear to God?

So Brad's either gonna leave me

for the new girl he's dating,

or he's gonna, like drop dead.

I don't know. Either way,

I'm gonna be a single mom.

Well, I was raised by a single mom.

It was just her, me,

and my older sister, and

Yeah, it was really tough sometimes,

but it was also pretty great.

She was always busy

working,

so when she spent time with us,

she was really with us.

Every Friday, we would make

a frozen pizza and watch TV.

Fridays used to be my favorite night.

What do you do on Fridays now?

I work.

Hey, I think you're gonna be a great mom.

And maybe you're wrong.

Maybe Brad and Aurora are just coworkers.

[mocking] "Maybe Brad and Aurora

are just coworkers."

You're so funny, so cute. I love you.

I'm obsessed with you. You're adorable.

No, he lied to me tonight. He said

he was going to the city for a meeting.

But, like, he's still on campus.

Probably with her.

I've been tracking his location

since we got married. [giggles]

Does he know that?

Girl, no. He's like 110.

He still probably uses

those rotisserie phones.

Hey, can I run some baby names by you?

I'm thinking Chimelia or Skyrizi.

And if it's a girl

Malaria?

- [jazzy music plays]

- [cell phone chimes]

Julie, I just saw the mystery woman

get out of Vinick's car.

It's Andrea Yi. What do I do?

- [Julie] Sit tight. I'm on my way.

- No, but she

She's walking away.

[Julie] Follow her.

Copy that. Full disclosure,

I got a pretty good buzz going.

[Julie] Why would you tell me?

For full disclosure.

[Julie] Go!

[Charles] Uh-oh.

[Andrea] Oh my God. Oh.

- Charles?

- Oh!

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine, yes.

[laughing] I just I had

a little too much whiskey, I guess.

Oh, you This exact thing happened

to Tshibili last year.

- Ah!

- So

If you're okay, I should I should run.

- Yeah. I'm so sorry to ask, but

- Actually. Yeah.

- But can you help me out here, please?

- Yes, of course. Yes.

[Charles] Oh.

- Thank you.

- Sure.

- Oh, thank you. Thanks.

- Okay.

- Appreciate it.

- Yeah.

Julie Kovalenko.

- How nice to see you.

- [Julie] Professor Nieuwendyk.

There is a turtle

hanging from your jacket.

Oh, look at that. [laughs]

Okay, here we go.

There you go, little buddy.

Can I have a minute alone

with Professor Yi?

Yes, of course.

Good night, ladies.

Can I help you, Detective?

I hope so, Aurora.

How do you know that name?

Mrs. Vinick's been tracking

her husband's whereabouts.

She believes he's having an affair

with someone at Wheeler named Aurora.

And since you are the woman

that just exited his car at midnight,

I'm inclined to agree.

There is no affair.

Aurora isn't a person.

It's a plan.

And it's going to

destroy Wheeler College.

[intriguing music playing]