02x05 - Scary

[bunniefuu]

You guys excited
to hit the cemetery

for Día de los Muertos?

Don't do that.
You're gonna get canceled.

But yes, so excited.

It's my first big hang
with Breana's crew.

They're basically
"the cool girls."

You mean the other mean girls?

We're working on a rebrand.

Carter, Carter!

How did you get roped
into chaperoning

your sister's terrifying
little coven for Halloween?

I didn't. I'm going
with Lily and the boys.

Or as I call them,
the Three Bro-sketeers.

The Bro-man Empire.

The Virgins.

See, this is why
I have to avoid Carter.

He can't embarrass me
in front of Breana.

She made a grown man cry
with an eye roll.

It was inspiring.

I'd say you can't
hang out with her,

but I don't want her
mad at me either.

Now, go finish getting ready.

Both your carpools
will be here any minute.

And I'm gonna go try on
the vampire costume I ordered.

-Mm-hmm?
-[hisses and growls]

[imitating vampire]
I want to suck...

Stop! Mission accomplished.

[knocking]

-Hey, how are you?
-Hello. Mwah!

Is this the, uh,
trick or treat bowl?

Three crumpled-up wrappers,

and a sign that says,
"Take one, Piggy."

Doing my part to combat
childhood diabetes.

Nope. We are greeting
trick-or-treaters the right way.

Matt Parker's not
getting egged on my watch.

Nobody can afford
to throw eggs anymore, Eve.

You did a whole bag of candy?

No, no, that's just my stuff.

Riley said she and the kids
were having sleepovers tonight,

so I thought
we could have one, too.

-Oh, yeah, sleepover. Good. Great, great, great.
-Yeah. Yeah.

Got my toothbrush,
my PJs, Gas-X.

[awkward laugh]

Probably should have kept
that last one to myself.

[♪ Rock theme playing]

[tires screeching]

Once my Princess Leia shows up,

we're going to be a shoo-in for
the couple's costume contest.

Gonna miss my
original partner, though.

Pfft, not me. I can't believe

I let you talk me into being
bank robbers last year.

You had fun,
I got pulled over twice.

What happened
to your vampire costume?

Uh, it was basically
fangs and a thong.

It was clearly for 21-year-olds
who have no shame.

Should have come with a
bottle of tequila and a UTI test.

So you decided to come
as an alcoholic sloth?

I'm a mama bear.

[scoffs]

It made more sense
when my kids dressed as cubs.

But looking sexy on Halloween
is played out, right?

Or not.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I had to whip up a vampire
costume at the last minute.

What about us
being Han and Leia?

I'm sorry.
I don't really get Star Trek.

[forced laughter] Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha. She meant Star Wars.

She knows the difference.

I've told her countless times.

Well, the important thing is
Amelie looks amazing.

And she knows you watch
those movies

and she's dating you anyway.

So, how about Captain Solo
smuggles over some shots

and we make this
an epic Halloween.

Okay. You're right.

And we can still win as Han Solo

and, I guess,
an OnlyFans vampire.

Oh, my God, is that girl
checking out Gabe's a*s?

Um, I'm sure she's just
looking at his blaster.

-[scoffs]
-That doesn't sound any better.

I'm not above
b*tch-slapping a nun.

I think there might be
eternal consequences to that.

I'm, I'm, I'm joking, you know.
Gabe's a*s is perfect.

She should look.

Everybody should look.

[both chuckle awkwardly]

-Yeah.
-Uh...

It's fun when I don't know
what's real or not.

-[laughter trails off]
-Ah...

[♪ traditional music playing]

Hey, Lily, have you seen Carter?

He's getting nachos with
The Bro Bro Bro Your Boats.

I really hope they find
a better name.

Everything okay?

Not really.

I think I'm gonna
call my mom to pick me up.

Turns out
the mean girls are mean.

Been there.

I got out my Ouija board,
and Breana asked

if I was gonna talk to
the ghost of 2017

because that's the last time
my shoes were cool.

Ugh!

Yeah, my Breana
was named Rachel.

She was such a bully

and she just cracked a
million followers on Instagram.

Terrible person,
great makeup tutorials.

Are you talking about
Ra-Ra-Rachel? I follow her.

Well, don't let Breana
ruin your night.

You have a board that
can talk to dead people,

and you're in a cemetery.

And my grandma's buried
in that mausoleum.

How about I tell Carter
to meet you over there?

No, he's with his friends.

I'm sure the Bro Bro
Bro Your Boats

have someone else
who can burp the alphabet.

I can see why Carter likes you.

Zero idea what you see in him.

♪♪

Wow.

You all right with this?

I mean, what kind of
horror movie is this?

No building code in the world

will allow you to put
a breaker box in the attic.

Gosh, if only you had been there
to mansplain city ordinances.

You live this far out in the
woods without a generator,

you deserve to get k*lled
with a stapler in the eye.

So you think you'd be smart
enough to out think the slasher?

Don't need to be smart.
I got a g*n.

-[doorbell rings]
-[Eve gasps]

-More trick-or-treaters.
-Give them raisins.

They'll spread the news
and no one will come back.

Trick or treat.

Aw, look how cute you guys are.

What's with the Woody costume?

Come on, kid, you gotta go
as a space ranger!

Space ranger!

All right, it's 9:30.
Cut the lights.

Because after this, it's just gonna
be teenagers with no costumes.

It's just polite mugging now.

All right, why don't
you and I go upstairs

and treat ourselves
to some adult fun?

How about we stay downstairs
and have some fun on this couch?

Watching the rest of the movie.

-Really? Are you okay?
-Yeah.

The ugly best friend
hasn't been k*lled yet.

♪♪

Okay, focus. Don't bruise
my cornea like last time.

Although it was cool to know
that I could pull off an eye patch.

-Oh, nothing but mouth!
-Nice.

Boink!

[exaggerated laughter]

I love that you two have
so many inside jokes.

-Ah!
-That's so fun.

Oh. Hey, is Stitch
chatting up twins,

or are these drinks
hitting just right?

Hey!

Go wingman your boy.

Han Solo needs his Mr. Spock.

[chortles]

They wouldn't even
know each other.

So glad we all
got to party together.

Not that I haven't
worn a costume

and gotten wasted
in my kitchen alone.

Marriage was tough.

Oh.

Ooh!

Hey, um, can I
ask you something?

Mm-hmm. They're real.

Oh! Wow. Good for you.

Um, anyone in here
you've got your eye on?

Oh. Not really.

Why can't guys
wear a hot costume?



I think I want to bone Bon Jovi.

Okay, so Bon Jovi is your type.

Oh, I wouldn't say
I have a type.

I guess, uh, not on meth.

So, Gabe could be your type?

What's that now?

Well, I mean, you're both hot.

You know, it seems like you've
always had a little connection.

Why haven't you guys ever dated?

Me and Gabe?
We are just friends.

But no benefits other than
the benefit of good fellowship.

Okay. Whew. Cool.

So cool.

Because otherwise I would
have to slash your tires

and make your life
a living hell.

[♪ Pop music playing in bar]

Oh my God. Oh, I love this song!

[♪ Eerie music playing]

All right, let's hurry up.
This area is off-limits.

If they catch us in here,
we're dead meat.

No offense, dead meat.

Found her.

Hey, Grandma.

It's me, Carter.

You might not recognize me
with my mustache.

Grandma, if you can hear me,

first, I want to say
that we love you

and we wish you were still here.

And we miss you extra tonight
because you loved Halloween.

But we know you're watching
over us all the time.

Well, hopefully not
all the time.

Because... you know.

Wanna ask the first question?

Okay, it's got to be
something essential.

Grandma, will I be
popular again?

Seriously?

Don't you want to know, like,
what's the meaning of life?

Uh, being popular.

Grandma, will I be
popular again?

[both] You moved it!

It wasn't me.

Grandma, if it really
was you, give us a sign.

[haunting laughter echoing]

Grandma?

Grandma? Or evil undead Grandma?

[both scream]

[laughter]

Halloween, or as the Celts
called it, Sauin,

has its roots in the ancient
Celtic harvest festival,

which marks the start of winter.

Ooh.

Dark time associated
with death and spirits.

Spooky, man.

I mean, why go to bed so early
when we can be excited

by history down here, right?

You know we don't have to...

Eve? Eve?

[♪ Eerie music playing]

[soft footsteps]

[zipping]

Eve?

Eve?

Hey!

-[phone rings]
-Ooh!

Eve? Eve, is that you?

Eve?

[Eve speaks raspily] Mattie!

Eve, where are you?
What's happening?

[Eve] I'm in your bedroom.

So the call is coming
from inside the house.

[Eve] The booty call is.

Eve, you all right?

You sounded like Batman
with strep throat.

[♪ Eerie music swells]

Eve? Eve?

-[sighs]
-Oh!

God! What are you doing?

-I dropped my earring.
-Oh, well,

now that you're awake,
come on downstairs.

We can finish up the history
of Halloween during prohibition.

Or... you join me in bed.

Ha, ha!

Yeah.

What? Am I in your spot?

No. No, no.

Here's my...
Here's my spot right here.

Oh. Is this...

You know, I think I forgot

to put out milk and cookies
for the Great Pumpkin.

♪♪

-Hey, can we talk about something?
-Yeah. Sure.

Did you hear that Dodge
came out with a new V8 Hemi?

Oh, you had
another topic in mind.

[DJ]
Hey, it's the DJ Gobby Goblin.

Gather around, 'cause it's time
for the costume contest winners.

Looks like it's Han Solo
and Lady Chewbacca!

[cheers and applause]

What?! Whoa!

Lady Chewbacca?

Oh, I see it.

It's a Halloween miracle.
The winning streak continues.

Suck it, hipsters,
with your half-assed costumes!

We did it! Wow!

Where is Amelie?

Um...

-What is it?
-Uh...

Nothing. Ha, ha.

Just a bad night
to take a gummy.

♪♪

Hey.

You want to tell me
what's going on?

Just getting some backup waters.

Seems like you
might be a spiller.

Is it weird to have me
spend the night here?

I didn't say that.

Yeah, but you're doing
anything to not come to bed.

Which is confusing,

because it's not like we
haven't done the Monster Mash.

But at your house.
I like going to your house.

Except that cat giving me
the stink eye.

[hisses]

It's not stink eye.
I told you, Rudy has glaucoma.

You know, as it
turns out, you know...

you were on that
side of the bed. Uh...

It's a lot.

Really snuck up on me.

Hey, you want to make sure
it's okay with her.

That would be impossible.

Maybe not.

We could go over to the
cemetery right now and talk to her.

Here's an idea,
let's not do that.

♪♪

A trophy, free beers,
and burgers?

This place knows how
to treat two heroes

of the Rebel Alliance.

I wish Amelie saw us win.

Ugh, right! I wish I knew
where she was right now.

And if I locked my front door.

Do you think Amelie
and I are a good fit?

Like a straitjacket.

It doesn't matter what I think.

Yeah, it does.

I mean, if Chewy thought

that Han and Leia were
a good match, he'd say...

[growling]

That's Wookie for,
"Hell yeah, bro."

Okay, if you really want to know
what I think, here goes...

[growling]

Did you get that?

[growling]

That was,
"Hell yeah, bro" again.

That's the only phrase I know.

Heh.

Ah!

[sighs] Can you guys
pass the napkins?

Some guy spilled sangria
all over me.

Like Carrie, but more delicious.

[forced chuckle] Here.

Wow, it is late.

I should go. A lot of
crazy people out there.

A lot of crazy people in here.

Talking about myself,

certainly not you.
Uh, happy Halloween.

I got a rock. Great
pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Bye!

Wow.

Well, it's getting late.

How about we hop in

your Millennium Falcon and

head back to Hogwarts?

Oh, so close. Wow!

Oh...

You know, driving here,

I thought this was
going to be a bad idea.

But now that I'm here,
I am certain this is a bad idea.

Come on. I think this could
be good for you, and us.

Like that green smoothie
that kept me

in the bathroom for four days?

Okay, here we go.

Diane, this is Eve.
Eve, this is weird.

Hi, Diane. Nice to meet you.

Eve thought we should all meet.

We're spending a lot of time
together, and, um,

I think you two would get along,

you know, you share
a lot in common.

You're both beautiful,
wonderful women

with terrible taste in men.

I'm sorry to bother you
on Halloween.

I'm guessing that's
like Coachella for spirits.

Matt talks about you
all the time,

but you should know
he's doing good.

And this may sound crazy,

but on some days
[whispers] he's even happy.

Kind of neutral.

Eve and I really get along.

Even though I'm super chill
and Matt...

is Matt.

But I don't have to
tell you that.

It's nice to meet you, Diane.

I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to do. I just...

I want you to be okay with this.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

What is it?

Huh. Well, marigolds,

uh, Diane's favorite flower.

Maybe this is her way
of giving us her blessing?

Maybe it is.

I think it is.

Huh.

You know what? Why don't we
just go back to my place tonight?

Thanks. That's a good idea.

Yeah.

Although, the Monster Mash
was a graveyard smash.

And she's very funny.

♪♪

So after I got back
into the group,

I slowly turned the girls
on Breana and basically

became the new queen.

I don't know if you're
talking about preteens

or the Game of Thrones.

Lily Martinez
and I swapped some spit.

[all groan]

We used the same straw.
Still counts.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, Riley.
Hope we're not intruding.

[Matt] You are!

I found your ears.

-Oh, and I got your nose!
-Oh.

I don't know why I did that.

I hope I wasn't
too weird last night.

I get a little spicy after
my third shot, and I had six.

Isn't she the best?

Well, I had two
bacon-wrapped hot dogs

from the street vendor outside,
so we all had a crazy night.

Well, we should get going.

-Bye, Riley.
-Bye.

-[Gabe] Awesome Halloween!
-[♪ eerie music sting]

Boy, Gabe's girlfriend's
a real psycho, right?

♪♪