02x01 - Back for Good

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

-Are you all right, love?
-No, I'm not all right, Dad. I'm pregnant!

Is there someone who can
go along with you?

My mum's just ran off with
her and my dad's savings.

My sister's on remand.

I won't be judged by a woman who
tried to have her fiance m*rder*d.

Tried and failed.

Oh, my God!

But it's my coat, isn't it?

Why can't you behave like
a fully grown adult?

Which lucky tosser did you pick
as your birth partner in the end?

Look at that!

You know, I reckon I could get
my head through that.

You think you could fit your head
through your daughter's cervix?

Having a baby is like being
love-bombed by your own DNA.

You're not good enough for her!

Oh!

What the... f*ck is that?

Dad, it's happening.

There's a visitor for you, Gemma.

Davina?

Hiya, Mum.

I thought you'd never ask me
out on a date.

What gave you that impression?

The many, many times
you never asked me out.

I was just worried...

...things might change
after you had the baby.

What baby?

What the f*ck?

-No.
-Oh, God. sh*t.

We'd better order some more drinks.

-Yeah.
-'Scuse me, mate?

Hiya. How you doing?

-Can I get two more...
-VOICES FADE INTO BABY CRYING

Sadie!

What are you doing down there?

It's OK.

It's OK.

Dad?

TRANSLATION FROM SPANISH:

What?

BABY CRIES

Oh, Sadie...

Oh, hey, baby.

CRYING CONTINUES

Hey...

Mum?

The baby's crying, love.

Oh, is she?

Thanks.

She's very, very loud.

Have you just got in?

I've been out entertaining
my wonderful butcher friend,

the Sausage Man.

So things are getting serious
with the Sausage Man, then?

Sausage men are never serious,
Gemma.

They drift in and out of
one's life like the wind.

Yeah, that's famously
what sausage men do...

...in all the romantic sausage poems.

Are you hungry? Cos he could
knock you up a sandwich in no time.

He's here?!

Yeah.

Hiya, Gemma!

Mum! We had a conversation
about this.

He turned up with a massive
pack of chops, Gemma.

I weren't going to say no.

No! Get him to leave now.

You need to keep your stress levels
down while you're feeding.

Don't want your milk
to taste bitter.

Hey, come here, you!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, now that is a big bit of meat!

Thin walls work both ways!

Malcolm.

Malcolm!

HE BARKS LOUDLY

Argh!

Oh! What is it? Is it Gemma?
Is it Sadie? What's the matter?

How the f*ck should I know?

Malcolm, I told you not to sleep
up here between the hours

of 7am and 11pm.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I just couldn't get
to sleep last night.

There was a big, complicated fight
over some crab paste.

I didn't want to get involved...

Malcolm, sleeping men produce
a terrible odour.

CRASHING

Ow!

And you know I'm trying to run
a top-class professional

establishment here.

Derek, the door's broken again.

Oh, for f*ck's sake, Lawrence.

Don't you think I have enough
f*cking admin on my hands,

without having to worry about fixing
every single f*cking broken

f*cking door in this place!

-The front door.
-Oh, the "front" door, I'm sorry.

Why didn't you say? Jesus Christ!

WHAT?

I...

Me and the others, we...

...don't think it's fair that
Malcolm stays for free,

and we all pay rent.

Go away, you pathetic piece of sh*t.

-He's right, mate.
-Oh, come on!

You're going to have to start chipping
in, otherwise they're just going to

set fire to your sleeping bag
and throw it down the bin chute.

I've seen it before.

I mean, it's been three months.

I thought Davina would've
left by now.

CRASHING

Argh!

Do you want me to put some MDF
over the front door, eh?

Stop strange men getting in?

Malcolm...

...we are the strange men.

Oh, my God, I am so tired.

Why?

Aren't you just supposed to
sleep when she sleeps?

Oh, yeah.

I'll just curl up
in a ball here, shall I?

Right, why doesn't Mum help you
with the baby?

The baby has a name.

Yeah.

-Brenda.
-f*ck's sake.

Right so...

...don't take this the wrong way,

but, Gemma, you look like sh*t.

-Me?
-Yeah.

-Yeah, you've got grillz.
-Yeah.

How did you even get grillz?

SHE SUCKS LOUDLY

I made it out of
a Bakewell tart tray.

I've got my own little accessories
side hustle in here.

It's like Etsy but with
knuckle dusters.

It's good to have career goals.

-Hey!
-Ow!

BABY CRIES

f*ck's sake, Gemma.
You've woke up Brenda.

Oh. The wanderer finally returns.

Oh, there we go.

How's your downstairs doing?

Yeah, my downstairs is fine, Rita.

I had a C-section.

Well, how's your upstairs doing?

Oh, still tender.

Oh, wait till you get to my age.

Everything's tender.

Upstairs, downstairs,
front and back.

Well, you need to be very careful,
Gemma,

cos one of my ladies who had
a Caesarean,

well, baby couldn't have been more
than a fortnight old

when she saw that picture of a cat
who looks like Phil Foden,

and laughed so hard the scar just
tore open and her innards fell out.

-Splat, right onto her thighs.
-Oh!

She had to take herself off to A&E
carrying her bits in a Tesco bag.

Thanks, but I think I'm past
the "innards in a shopping bag"

phase now.

SHE YAWNS

Oh, are you very tired?

Yeah.

I've not had more than two hours'
continuous sleep

since Sadie was born.

I thought your mum'd moved in?

Yeah, she has.

She was great at first,
although that might've been

the painkillers. Now, three months
later, I'm not so into it.

And, ah...

...what's Malcolm been up to?

He's too scared to come over
while Mum's there,

so I've not seen much of him.

Rita, what's this?

Well, speaking of your father,
these are my new erotic mugs, Gemma.

This is a sexy man's chest

with a willy for the handle.

These make no sense anatomically.

Why's he got a giant-sized p*nis
coming out of his ribcage?

I'm trying to become one of those
places hen parties go to.

You know, nails, brows, c*ck.

Rita, you don't know the first
thing about nails or brows.

I do know about c*ck, though.

That was the implication.

I bet you've been around a few
c*ck, haven't you, Winnie?

Oh, it brings back memories,
this, Rita.

Winnie, you mucky b*tch!

Erm, would you judge a man for
wearing pink deodorant?

Probably.

Oh, sh*t!

Dad?

Are you hiding?

Is your mother with you?

No.

Well, then I'm not hiding, am I?

Oh, God.

Oh, God, she's grown up so much,
hasn't she?

Look at her. She massive!

Grandad's little beefcake,
aren't you?

I think she misses you.

Oh, I miss her as well!

Jesus. You all right, love?
You look knackered.

Are you getting enough sleep?

Yeah. Just a rough night.

Right.

How's the sad man bedsit?

Eh? Yeah, great. Yeah.

-I love it there, yeah.
-Mm-hm. Back in your old room?

Yeah, well, almost. You know?

Definitely within spitting
distance anyway.

How are things with your mum?

It's great she's there, innit?

-Yeah.
-Mm.

Would you judge a man for wearing
pink deodorant?

I don't think it's pink
when you put it on.

HE CHUCKLES

How do now? How do?

Grab me one of those, actually.

PHONE ALERT

Christ, Gemma, your mum still
being a nightmare?

Tell you what, I'm coming over.

You jump in the shower.
I'll get Sadie off to sleep.

Oh, I'm not being funny, babe,

but I'm not going through your
laundry and your dirty knickers.

Spare sheets?

WHISPERING: Mum's room,
but I'm not allowed in there.

She said, very firmly,
I was not to go in there.

-We are definitely going in there.
-OK.

What do you think she's hiding?

God knows.

But if you see a man holding
sausages,

promise me you won't scream.

What the f*ck?

Oh, my God!

What a bougee b*tch!

She's punishing me, isn't she?

For being a d*ck
when I was a newborn.

Oh, she's waited 25 years
and this is her revenge.

DOOR BUZZES

No!

I'll get it, and whoever it is
I'll tell them to f*ck off.

You just lie down
and get some rest, yeah?

-Xand... -Hi, is, ah...
-Hey.

-Is Gemma in?
-Ah, yeah.

No, not now!

I didn't want to keep messaging
so I finally just came over.

I've got presents!

For you and for Sadie.

Ah, Xand, mate,

Sadie's having a nap.

I wasn't expecting her to give me
a catwalk or anything.

Oh...

Oh.

Y-y-you want... You want
me to leave?

Well, it's the only time that
I can actually get some sleep.

-I mean, look at the state of her.
-f*ck off!

Well, erm...

Thank you. Another time?

Erm, another time.

Sure.

Soz.

So how are we going to get
rid of your ex?

Well, do we have to?

I mean, you know, I think Gemma
like's having her mum around, so...

Aw! I don't give a f*ck.

I need you off that landing before
there's a mutiny, Malcolm.

We could...

No, you'd never go for it.

What?

We could Inform MI6 that
Davina's been grooming kids

into joining Al-Qaeda.

No!

-No.
-No, no. I didn't think you'd go for it.

I did come up with some other ideas
when I was on the bog.

You know, if I did move back in
with Gemma, it would be best

if it didn't seem to be my idea,
you know?

Spoken like a true soy boy.

Nice job.

Wait, how do we get in now?

It's like a cat flap.
But for fellas.

That is...

...absolutely f*cking genius!

Ha-ha.

-Shall I go in...?
-After you.

-OK. The maiden voyage!
-Yeah.

Meow!

You know what doesn't need
sterilising?

-t*ts?
-t*ts.

Yeah. Well, she gets plenty
of breast milk.

I just use formula sometimes
cos it helps me out.

Oh.

It's all about her, in't it?

Selfish Mummy. Baby wants nipnip.

I absolutely destroyed my breasts
for you and Catherine.

It's only right and fair
you do the same.

God, Mum, you must be desperate
to get back out there,

see the world, more of it.

New bits of it.

I'm not going anywhere, Gemma.
You need me.

- SQUELCHING
- Oh! Oh, God, that is a smelly one.

OK, well, can you change her?
Cos I've got to finish this.

Sorry, love, I can't.
I'm off for a bikini wax.

Full Hollywood.

Do you know, I never used to bother,
but it's expected these days.

I had a dalliance with a 28-year-old
and he shrieked

when he saw my thatch.

-Oh, my God...
-Used to be different, of course.

When I had Catherine,
the midwives told me to keep it

as full as possible, you know,
to clean her on the way out,

like those, erm...

Like those big brushes
at the car wash.

Is that what they told you?

Do you know, it never once
got brought up.

And I won't be home for dinner.

But it's your turn to cook!

But I have got you some SlimFast,
so you can make a start on

shifting that baby weight.

My cousin was 8st one month after
giving birth.

Because she was in a coma!

I know. Intensive care did wonders
for her waistline.

I was quite jealous.

Love yer!

Love yer.

Hey, baby.

Should we k*ll Nana?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Should we k*ll Nana?

Or should we k*ll Mummy instead?

Oh... What if Gemma doesn't want me
to move back in with her?

Dad?

-Gemma?
-I can't take living with Mum any more.

How do I get in?

Use the flap.

Use the flap!

Don't be ridiculous.

All right. Come round the back.

But don't tell anyone
there's a door there!

That's my door.

HE WHISPERS: - Go
round the back. The back.

Round the back.

Whoa!

Is this where you've been staying?

Eh? No, I've got an airbed
on the landing.

My personal private space is
very important to me,

especially at night.

Mm-hm. Why's that?

He plays Minecraft.

- UNDER HIS BREATH:
- Shut the f*ck up.

So, what is on the list of ways
to get rid of Davina?

Well, ah, she's allergic
to tomatoes.

OK, good. So we make her something
with tomatoes...

Erm, a soup, perhaps.

Then she ends up unconscious,
so we gaslight her

into thinking that she never even
lived at Gemma's

and it was a dream all along.

Eh, yeah, but it's only
a mild allergy,

just makes her tongue itch.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

-She's also allergic to horses.
-Oh, yeah!

Excellent. OK, I can work with that.

Do you mean eating
or hanging out with?

Hanging out with.

Great. So here's what we do.

We, erm, fill the flat
with horses.

Erm... Three horses.

Four horses?

No. OK. Different tack.

Ah, what is she afraid of?

Love.

Emotional intimacy.

Yeah. Brian?

Yeah, it's Deggsy, mate.

-Yeah, yeah, I know...
-I think I've got an idea.

Oh, yeah?

Well, come on, then.
What you thinking?

-OK.
-The state of this place...

So...

...the only thing in the world
that my mother is afraid of

is getting back together with Dad.

Yeah.

Which is why he's going to
propose to her.

Propose what?

Propose marriage.

No way!

Oh, God. How much sleep did you
get last night?

All in one go? 37 minutes.

And I feel pretty f*cking amazing,
actually.

This is a good idea.

OK? This is a GOOD idea.

I mean, has anyone got
a better idea?

No, no, no, it is a great idea,
love.

-It's a great... - Thank you. - ..Idea.
-HE WHISPERS: - It's a sh*t idea.

Well, it's the only idea we've got,
so let's go with it.

Thank you. Derek!

God, I knew you'd have faith in me.

All right, don't overdo it.
Has she seen her GP recently?

I can't do it.

I need you off my landing, Malcolm.

And I need her out.

Come on!

MALCOLM WHIMPERS

-Come on.
-Come on!

I don't want to do this!

Oh, f*ck's sake.

What about those horse?
Are they still available?

Sure, you can bail, Malcolm.

But the guys did mention suffocating
you in your sleep again,

so it's up to you, I guess.

Dad, she needs to go, remember?

All right, I'll, ah...

I'll give it a go.

-OK.
-OK.

I'll be listening.

This is going to be a disaster.
You know that?

MALCOLM INHALES DEEPLY

Bit of a mess in here, Gemma,
isn't it?

Don't you f*cking dare.

Ah...

Malcolm.

Davina.

You look, erm...

...canny.

Come on, Dad!

Why are you here?

Well, I, ah...

Would you like a glass of water?

No.

Yes, me too.

HE GULPS

Erm, right.

Having you back in our lives
the last three months...

Gemma's life. I've barely seen you.

Been hiding at Casa Loser?

It's, ah...

Well, it's made me realise...

For God's sake, spit it out,
Malcolm.

...the hole that you left.

Hole. Hm-hm.

Mm-hm.

And I'd like us to, erm...

...rekindle our relationship.

You what?

Oh.

I thought you were going to ask me
for the money back from the house sale.

No. Oh, but can I have
that money back?

-No.
-Oh.

Well, ah... Erm...

I, ah...

HE GULPS

Whatever I said...

...wh-whatever I did, you know.

I didn't mean it.

It's Barlow. He's gone Barlow.

I... just want you back for good?

Oh. Gemma!

sh*t!

What's going on?

-Dad wants you back!
-Does he?

Yeah!

Yeah. Definitely back for good,
yeah.

Do you?

MALCOLM GASPS

Right, well, I don't want him back.

Mum, it's so cute. He says
he's madly in love with you and that

he will not leave this house
until you agree to remarry him.

Did you?

I might've done, I don't know...

Such a f*cking soy boy!

I am swept away by the romance,
Malcolm.

Oh, go on, you lot, clear out.

I've got Sausage Man
coming round in a bit.

-Right, we did our best, didn't we?
-Did she say "Sausage Man"?

OK, Mum, how about this?

Will you please get
the f*ck out of my home!

Oh, f*cking hell.

Yeah.

I mean, I love you, but
if you don't go,

I'm going to chuck myself
out that window.

-Aren't we on the ground floor?
-Shut up.

It's the Sausage Men,
the late nights, the SlimFast,

the eating my biscuits...

Oh, I know you do cos
I've seen you take them. OK?

You're driving me insane.

Either you go or
me and Sadie will,

and it's my name on the lease -
that'll be really f*cking annoying.

This isn't working out for me,
Gemma.

I'm sorry but I think
it's time for me to leave.

What the f*ck?

I literally just said that.

I can't stay here forever,
much as you'd like me to.

The world is calling me back to it.

You understand, don't you, love?

Yeah.

I don't understand.

Me neither, mate.

The first few weeks of having Sadie,
I couldn't have coped without you.

Tell Malcolm he can keep
the candles.

I do have one tiny bit of advice.

This first year is a very
precious time, Gemma.

Work out what it is what you want,

and start reaching for it before
you go back to work.

Because once the grind starts -

work, baby, life...

...you'll be trapped.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Right, your taxi's here.

And before you know it,

you'll have spent 20 years
living with your father.

That's the mistake I made,

and I wouldn't wish it
on my worst enemy.

OK.

Thanks.

Good luck, love.

DOOR CLOSES

Here you are. There you go.

Fresh sheets, eh?

I've just put a clothes wash on.

And I was thinking,
the next couple of nights

I can do her feeds for you,

and you can get some sleep.

Thank you.

I'm so glad to be back, love.

I've missed you so much,
missed both of you.

We've missed you.

And I want you to know that
I will never, ever leave you again.

Not until that one goes
to university, anyway.

You rest now, eh?

Oh, hey, there's a pork pie
in here!

I'm on maternity leave!

PHONE RINGING

I'm not asking you to pick it up
with your fanny - please!

He's a creep who charges 15 quid
to sing at babies.

And takes his top off!

DOG SQUEALS

There's a dog in here,
there's a massive dog in here!

Hook, elbow, punch!

My boobs are about to explode.

Are they fake?

No, you bell end -
they're full of milk!

Dad's booked us a holiday, though.

I bet it's the caravan park.

It won't be the caravan park.

The holiday's a disaster.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

I thought maybe you'd want space.

What I actually wanted was
some very large sanitary pads.

We're totally f*cking lost,
and Malcom is missing a boot!

Yeah, well, I had to throw something
to distract that bull, didn't I?!

I want to provide a better
life for my baby.

Whoa... It's f*cking its eggs
down my throat!

Woo!

I have been dabbling with
better-paid other employment.

Why do you even want this job?

Because I love marketing.

Nobody loves marketing.

Congratulations, Gemma.
You've just joined the rat race.