01x04 - Con Man

[bunniefuu]

This programme
contains very strong language.

[SOMBRE MUSIC]

[ENGINE RUMBLES]

[DOOR CREAKS AND GRINDS]

[ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS]

[EERIE SCREECHING]

[WHEEZES]
[TRUCK HORN BLARES]

[TRAFFIC RUMBLES]

f*ck.

[DARK MUSIC BUILDS]

Oh, f*ck.

[ENGINE FAILS TO START]

[ENGINE FAILS TO START]

f*ck.
[HORN BLARES]

[COUGHS]

[SPITS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

f*ck!

[THEME MUSIC]

♪ Oh, baby

♪ It's a commitment

♪ It's a commitment, baby

♪ M-M-My wife don't like it

♪ My wife don't like it!

♪ It's a commitment, yeah

♪ We gotta love one another or die,
brother

♪ We gotta love one another or die

♪ Oh, baby

♪ Cos it's superglue

♪ It's superglue, baby!

♪ Knock 'em dead

♪ Knock 'em dead! ♪

[CLOCK TICKING]

[DISTANT WOMAN CHATTERS]

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

[DISTANT CHATTER CONTINUES]

[PAN SIZZLES]

Oh, good timing.

Move that washing out of the way
and sit down.

What?

Did he come back yet?

Well, the pub's not open yet.
I'll call it when it is.

OK.

Sit down.

I think we should go to the pub.

Fine.

After breakfast.

But he's probably
waiting outside for me.

-After breakfast. -I'm not hungry.
-Alright, so go then.

-I don't know the way.
-No. So, you'll have to wait, won't you?

Now, sit down and eat.

Jesus. Have I not got
enough dramas of my own?

What's wrong with your eyes?

Nothing.

Go on.
Yeah.

[PANTS WEARILY]

[GROANS WEARILY]

You got that money, then?
[GROANS]

Where have all the good Samaritans
gone, eh?

Er...

Where the f*ck is it? It should be...

It is, I know.

A f*cking big envelope full of cash
right here.

No.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

-It's gone.
-So, we just pushed it all this way for nothing?

Well, shall we push it back?

Prick.

Let's go.

Twat.

f*ck.

f*ck. f*cking f*ck-f*ck-f*ck.

MAN: That's £5.20.
[DOOR ALERT PINGS]

Having a nice day?
WOMAN: Yeah, alright.

It's getting a bit grey now, though.

Well, they say it's turning.
Oh.

Looks like a storm's coming.

Stay safe out there, darling.

They say the Horned k*ller's
moving south.

Oh, God, I heard, yeah.
Scary, isn't it?

It is. Bye now.

[DOOR ALERT PINGS]

Alright, mate?

So...

...I've got money.

That's good.
Yeah.

Thing is,
I had a bit of a mad night -

you know how it goes -

and, well,
I managed to leave it in the pub.

Nightmare.
[SIGHS] Don't know the half of it.

So, anyway,
I'm on my way back to get it, only...

Well, so here's the thing, I'm gonna
need you to let me off for now,

then I'll head to the pub
and pick it up

and drop it back in as soon
as I've got it.

No can do, I'm afraid.

No money, no petrol.
It'll take about half an hour.

No money, no petrol.
Yeah, I get it.

The thing is, I really, really need

to get back to that pub,
like, yesterday.

No money, no petrol.
Yeah, just shut up, listen to me

you f*cking jobsworth c**t!

Listen, John, mate,

I'm having a bit of a time of it.

Some carpet-muncher broke my nose,

something really bad happened
to my best mate,

I'm seeing ghosts
everywhere I f*cking look

and I've got a strong feeling that
everything will finally come apart

unless I look after my boy,
who I've left in the pub.

So, please, pretty f*cking please,

can you just do me
this one tiny little favour?

You're not gonna help me, are you?
No money, no petrol.

You've got a real habit
of repeating yourself, John, my man,

which I imagine, coupled with the
name tag and the little company shirt

makes you a real f*cking turn-off, huh?

A major league p*ssy repellent!

I'll get your money.

Take me ten minutes! You watch!
f*ck you.

sh*t little garage,
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck it. f*ck it.

Number one salesman in the whole
of Brighton. [MUTTERS ANGRILY]

You f*cking watch!

[CLEARS THROAT]

Gary.

[KNOCKS AT DOOR] Gary.

What school do you go to?

I don't go to school.

Everybody goes to school.
I don't.

Me and my dad are on the road.

He's, um... teaching me the ropes.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Lucky.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR] Gary!

Listen, I think maybe
I'm gonna have to make a call.

What call? Who to?

Well...

to social services.

Why?
Cos I'm not your mum

and you need looking after
and I can't do it.

-Maybe they can sort you out - with someone who can.
-Like who?

Er, I don't know. A family.

But he's coming back.

But he hasn't.
But he is coming back... OK...

...so you don't have to call anyone,
OK? Alright, OK, yeah, calm down.

-Well, we can't just sit around here - all day.
-Why not?

Cos we've stuff to do.

I can wait outside for him.
[CHUCKLES] No, you can't.

It's OK.

I'm not leaving you here
on your own.

-Why not?
-Cos it's a stupid, shitty thing to do is why.

We'll come back.

Put your seat belt on.

♪ JOY DIVISION: New Dawn Fades

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Morning.

I need a scotch.

Cash or card?

Give me a second.

-Ladies.
-Oh. Today is your lucky day.

WOMAN: Horrible.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

[WOMEN LAUGH AND CHATTER]

[SIGHS]

[WOMEN CHATTER]

[LAUGHTER]
Sorry to interrupt...

[LAUGHTER DIES]
...but I think you're eating my lunch.

Excuse me?
Well, it's rabbit food

and I'm...

[SNIFFS]

I'm Bunny.

Bunny Munro.

[CHUCKLES] Now, ladies...

...day is your lucky day
because in this case,

right here in this here case,

I have the finest range of beauty
products found in the known world,

which I'm offering today,
and only today,

and only to you beautiful ladies,
half price.

I might add that, due to a very
temporary cash flow issue,

I will need the money upfront.
Now, who'd like a demonstration?

[LAUGHTER]
Shall we?

Hillary! Stop it!

[LAUGHTER]
OK...

[CHUCKLES] I'm telling you,

this stuff will... will...
will change your life. [LAUGHTER]

Um... OK.

Well, I can also offer some...

...extras.

You know, extras, extras.

But I am in a bit of a mad rush, so
we'd have to -[GROANS] Oh, my God.

[LAUGHTER] Unbelievable.
You're missing out.

This stuff will make you ten years
younger. 20 years. 30, you know.

God knows you f*cking need it.
f*ck... sake!

[EERIE MUSIC]

f*ck off!

-Now, don't think I didn't notice you - looking at me.
-Oh, I don't think so.

Well, today is your lucky day.

I'm offering the finest beauty
products - creams, lotions, balms -

all at half price.
Half price?

Just for today. I will, I'm afraid,
need the money up front.

That's not a problem at all.

Yeah?

OK. Right.

I will need a demonstration first,
of course.

-I'm in a bit of a rush.
-And my house is just around the corner.

So, this might be your lucky day.

Maybe...

WOMAN: Now, slide your heel
all the way back. That's it.

[DEVICE SNAPS]
Ow![TUTS] You're fine. Come on.

Get this out the way,
we can have some fun after.

Promise?
Well, I'm gonna have some fun.

You can sit around moping and doing
everyone's head in, if you like.

-OK, and now the left.
-I thought we were going back to the pub.

I'll call them, and I'll get them
to check outside and everything.

But I promised my brother, so...

There'll be loads of kids there,
so it'll be fun.

OK.
So, that's a two and a half G.

Right. So, have a look.
The black ones, yeah?

OK?

Oh, no, he's not... He...

I'm sorry, but his...

What?
His shoes are tiny.

Yeah, but he's not mine.

OK, so...

[SIGHS] f*ck sake. Yeah, OK.

Come on.

OK.

[GRUNTS WITH EFFORT]
That's better.

[WAVES LAP SOFTLY]
YVONNE: Yeah, yeah, I get it.

[MAN CHATS ON PHONE]
I know, I know.

Just keep an eye out for him, OK?

[MAN REPLIES INDISTINCTLY]
I'll try again in a bit. Cheers, Gary.

Is it still not open?

No, it is. Um... just...

You know.

I'll try again later.

Sorry.

There was nothing else
under ten quid and I just can't...

They're... they're good.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Great.

Come on then, let's go.

♪ MAX ROMEO: Tacko

[LIVELY CHATTER]

Do you want one of these?
Oh, thank you!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Alright?

Oi-oi! There he is! [CHUCKLES]

Come here, little man.

Happy birthday, Uncle Bill!
Thank you, Chris-Cross.

-God, you're heavy.
-Happy birthday. -Thank you.

I didn't get you anything.
Well, surprise surprise.

What did you get?
Oh, you know, this and that.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Where have you been, anyway?

We're looking for clown fish.
Cool.

You won't find any.

It's an anemonefish.
I've read about it.

It likes reefs
and lagoons in warm waters,

so you don't see them in England.

Moon wrasse have been
found in England, though.

They're really cool.

But only off the coast of Cornwall,
so you won't see them either.

What's wrong with your eyes?

I need cream, but my dad's got it.

Where's your dad?

He's on his way.

Are you coming?

[CHILDREN CHATTER AND SHRIEK]

[LIVELY CHATTER]

[WISTFUL MUSIC]

Here we are. Number 19.

Nice car.
Yes, isn't it?

So, is there a Mr Birch?

Oh, no, not for 20 years.

But... we've had
so much fun in this car.

Couldn't bear to part with it.

You'll think me a silly old trout,
Mr Munro,

but even though he's dead
and I'm as blind as a bat...

I still pay to have it cleaned.
[CHUCKLES]

Now, what's the point in that?

I have no idea.

No, you don't, do you?

Come on in, Mr Munro.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

How about a nice cup of tea,
Mr Munro?

Er, not for me, thank you. I'm a
little pressed for time, actually.

As though it's been plucked
from your beautiful garden,

can you smell the rose hip and cedar?

It's been many years since
anyone's done this to me, Mr Munro.

You've certainly charged
an old girl's batteries.

Old? Why, Mrs Birch, your hands
are just like a young girl's.

Oh, you silly man.

Well, they do say
that this replenishing hand cream

has almost magical
restorative powers.

How does that feel?

Divine.

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

So, how many bottles
shall I put you down for?

Life's getting harder,
don't you think, Mr Munro?

Hm?
Call me Bunny.

Colder.

Breaking apart. Fracturing.

We drift through it...

...making no waves, affecting no-one,

affected by no-one.

It's death.

And it's so lonely.

So, I've gotta get going.

We must cling on, tighter than ever.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CHUCKLES]
Uh...

Do you ever read Auden, Mr Munro?

Er...

Auden said everything.

We must love one another or die.

We must love one another or die,
Mr Munro.

Bunny. Call me Bunny.

We must love one another or die.
LIBBY: [Bunny...]

[CHIRPING INTENSIFIES]

Jesus f*cking Christ!

What do you lot all want from me?!

-Sorry, Mr Munro, I didn't - mean to upset you!
-No, I'm fine.

I'll take the hand cream.
What?

I'll write a cheque straightaway.
What?

-The chequebook is in the drawer, - over there.
-What? A cheque?

What the f*ck am
I gonna do with a cheque?

-Well, I'm afraid it's all I have, - Mr Munro.
-f*ck sake!

f*cking loopy old c**t.

♪ CW STONEKING: The Thing I Done

[WHISTLES SHARPLY]

Yes! Get in.

♪ All flesh and bone I come

♪ All death 'long by my side

♪ In from the storm

♪ This scornful breath
upon my tongue

♪ Oh, the thing I done...

[CHATTING AND LAUGHTER]

♪ I took my chances

♪ Took what chance I got

♪ Lord knows my hands is tied
[SIGHS]

♪ This is by an ancient blood...

[SONG CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[SONG FADES]

[DISTANT CHILDREN LAUGH AND CHATTER]

Remember when you let me
stay off school for two weeks?

When Daddy was gone.

And we closed the curtains

and... made it all dark

and didn't answer the door.

And we pretended
it was just us in the whole world.

Yeah.

Just cuddle on the sofa.

How many films did we watch?

A hundred?

I didn't like it that much.

And all my friends at school
were friends with other people

when I got back.

Just so you know.

I think I want you
to leave me alone now.

[SOMBRE MUSIC]

CHRIS:
You were right about the clown fish.

I saw a crab, though.

Do you wanna play tag?

Ow!

Hey! Christopher! [SOBS] Chris!

What happened?

What did you do that for?

I'm talking to you!
Why did you do that?!

[SOBS] I know, love, it's
OK. You're gonna be alright.

Let's go.

Come on!

Hey, you're alright.
Come here, come here.

♪ JOHN CALE:
If You Were Still Around

♪ If you

♪ Were still around...

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Alright, hold on.
[BANGING ON DOOR]

Hold on.

Libby.

[MURMURS SLEEPILY]

[GROANS SLEEPILY]

Might've overdone it a bit.

You swore.

[SOBS]

[SONG CONTINUES]

[DISTORTED JARRING SOUNDS]

Libby...

♪ You could write like a panther...

[SIREN WAILS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪ Whatever got into your veins

♪ What kind of green blood...

When's it gonna stop bleeding?
It really hurts.

Yeah, I know.

[SONG FADES]

Here.

Go get your PJs on
and go get into bed.

I'll come and tuck you in.

Is his head OK?

He'll be fine.

Hell of a shot.

Go on. Water's still in.

I'm OK.

No, you're not.

If there was ever a boy
who needed a bath, it's you.

Go on.

And use this towel hanging up.

Don't just mess about, wash.

OK?

Chris, you got your PJs on?

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

You alright?

I can bring you down there in a bit,
if you want.

We can have another check outside.

Do you wanna do that?

Do you really think that...

...maybe there's a family
that can look after me?

Yeah.

I'm sure there is.

If that's what you want.

Shall I go and call?

They might be able to come tonight.

OK.

OK.

REPORTER: On News Time,
panic grips a London borough,

as the mutilated body
of a young mother

is found in her home in Maida Vale.

The mystery of what could've caused
her devastating injuries were solved

when bizarre CCTV footage emerged,
capturing the...

[NEWS REPORT CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

REPORTER: ..the now notorious
'Horned k*ller',

wielding a blood-soaked garden fork,

running at top speed
through the local high street,

sending waves of terror
through the community,

as shoppers scrambled
to get away from him.

Police believe he may...

GARY: f*ck me. Forget something?

Where is he?

Where's Junior?

Yvonne took him.
Alright, well, what's her address?

Lizzie, go have a look in the books,

see if you can find
Yvonne's address.

Here have a drink while you wait.

Hear about Poodle?

I didn't see it.

Didn't say you did.

f*cking terrible business.

Yeah.

Put it on tab, shall I?

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

You alright, pal?

Here you go.

Yvonne's address.
Cheers.

Yeah, hold on, hold on, mate.

Geoffrey rang earlier, said he's
been trying to get hold of you.

It's about your dad. Apparently his
carer's had enough and packed it in.

-Said that you need to get up there - sharpish.
-f*cking...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Alright.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

OK?

-[DOOR OPENS] -What the f*ck?
-Hello?

-Where is he? - Where the f*ck - have you been?!
-Don't you start.

Dad.

Alright, boy?
You came back.

Course I did.
[SCOFFS AND CHUCKLES]

What? Come on.

Hey, you don't have to.
Of course he does. I'm his dad.

Get in the car.

Let's go.

Junior.

Bye then.

Bye.

♪ LINDA PERHACS:
Hey, Who Really Cares

♪ Been coming down for a long time...

Where's our car?

I had to leave it.

This one's cooler.

It had my cream in it.

I'll buy you more cream.

And my encyclopaedia.

I'll get you another one.

I don't want another one.

Where are we going now?

We're going to see Grandad.

The great Bunny Munro the First.

♪ I used to think of Ferris wheel
light sounds

♪ The Friday hum of neons and blue

♪ But now they're like circular cages

♪ Of graded tin and rusted wind

♪ Hey, now, who really cares?

♪ Hey, won't somebody listen?

♪ Let me say what's been on my mind

♪ Can I bring it out to you?

♪ I need someone to talk to

♪ And no-one else
will spare me the time

♪ I used to think of Ferris wheel
light sounds

♪ The Friday hum of neons and blue

♪ But now they're like circular cages

♪ Of graded tin and rusted wind

♪ Hey, now, who really cares?

♪ Hey, won't somebody listen?

♪ Let me say what's been on my mind

♪ Can I bring out to you?

♪ I need someone to talk to

♪ And no-one else
will spare me the time... ♪