02x03 - Maniflatch Destiny

[bunniefuu]

Today, Kelly and I will be welcoming

the new lady to Flatch

with a good, old-fashioned egging.

Shh!

Cheryl's chickens lay, like,

100 eggs every single day.

She puts 'em in the front yard

for, like, anyone to have.

And ever since I kicked out Shrub,

it's been really good,

'cause we're really good

at doing pranks together

Way better than roommates.

Yeah, better not to mix

business with pleasure.

- Yeah.

- Let's do it.

Okay, let's go.

Hey, kids, what ya eggin'?

Barb Flatch.

Uh, Kelly, it's the new

Barb in town lady.

Hey, Barb.

We were just about to actually egg

this dumb-looking car

over right here, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, guys. Morning.

Go. Go.

Oh, no. Oh!

Leave it, leave it, leave it.

Yeah, leave it, leave it!

Nice arm, Kelly! See you Sunday!

Sorry, Binghoffer!

Sorry!

So thanks for coming in.

Eat, beach, sleep, repeat.

So true.

Here is your vanilla latte, Kel.

Is that okay?

Can I call you Kel?

I'd be honored.

- So I'm not in trouble?

- What? No. No.

I just I'm gonna give you some advice

I wish somebody would have

given me at your age,

because it really would have

saved me a lot of time.

Oh, my God!

This is just like a vanilla

hot chocolate with caffeine,

and you just have these

whenever you want?

All right, go off, genius.

You know, you have the ability

to manifest

whatever life you want for yourself.

I wasn't always this.

I mean, I worked really hard

manifesting all the things

I have on my vision board.

Wait

Manifested!

Oh, my God, cheers.

So a vision board is like a Ouija board,

but instead of sending

dumb ghosts to your friends,

you get cool stuff you want.

While making my vision board,

I was really thinking,

you know, what do I want?

What do I want in life?

A pontoon boat.

I mean, can you imagine?

How am I gonna

get a pontoon boat, right?

I have to work for Barb.

I gotta manifest this.

Sisters.

So ever since getting

kicked out of Kelly's,

I have been couch surfing with Mickey.

So this is the couch I'm surfing on.

Yeah, Shrub is my surfer bro.

So yeah, lots of pros

and cons to living here.

Um, pro:

look, I it's more time

with Beth, which, um

yeah.

Con: uh

Mickey has been using

my actual bed that I sleep in

as a guest couch on a public access show

that he's created,

called "Mickey About Town."

Who always knows what's going down?

Who'll make a smile out of your frown?

Who might the other

talk show hosts surrender

like Cornwallis at Yorktown?

It's "Mickey About Town"!

"Mickey About Town."

And welcome back to Flatch's

number one public access show,

"Mickey About Town."

Tonight, Beth joins me again

for one of our most popular segments:

New Pothole.

Beth, where's the new pothole?

Halsey and Chestnut.

Amazing. Isn't she amazing?

Oh, my God, please stop.

God, I gotta move out, dude.

Mickey's driving me insane.

I understand how having

a roommate can be challenging.

My roommate has chickens.

It's not a problem.

They really they're great.

I love 'em.

But, you know, anyways

You know, Mickey's a good friend.

You know, I'm sure you guys

will be able to work it out.

Hey, how about we try some role playing?

I'll be Mickey, and you be Shrub.

All right, let's give this a twirl.

You just arrived home to Mickey's house.

Okay?

- "Hey, Shrub"

- No, no, dude.

You sound like Yoda. I can't do it.

I respect Yoda.

- "Shrub, my bro."

- You sound constipated.

Okay. Hey, Shrub, my bro.

Oh, my God, Mickey, you suck so bad!

Well, that's an odd thing to say.

I mean, I am letting you stay

at my house,

- which is pretty nice of me.

- Yeah,

it's nice, and I appreciate it. Ooh!

But, like, you never give me any space.

And it's so annoying how many dumb jokes

you tell me in a day.

And you're always with Beth,

and it's stupid.

And I don't get why you guys

are dating at all.

I have no idea what she sees in you.

You're so not funny,

and you're dumb to look at.

I'm writing an editorial

about how vandals are taking the eggs

that I have set out for eating

and using them for egging.

We won't name names.

A number of local businesses

have been hit.

And Joe.

I can't imagine if they hit Kimmie Jean.

Oh, Kimmie Jean is my new pickup.

She's gorgeous.

She needs to be washed every day.

I needed a little something

to, you know,

cart the gals around when they

need to go to the vet or the park.

Hi.

Chickens in a playground

is totally normal.

Or I'll make it normal.

What the heck? What happened to my door?

God, what message

are they trying to send?

That we're working in a discotheque?

You're welcome, ladies.

Oh, my God, what do you think? Huh?

Yeah, I was trying to create

an open flow space,

right, some good energy

going through here.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I just wanted to, you know, glow it up.

It's an unsolicited glow-up.

Who does that?

Me, now that

we're sharing offices, right?

Now you can be excited to come to work.

I know I am.

Well, I liked my door.

Okay. Hmm.

Whew.

We have a real life Flatch family member

here in our office.

That means that I can finally complete

the Flatch family hair tree.

Now I just need Barb. What do you think?

Should I just ask her

or cut it off in her sleep?

I'm kidding.

I take hair extraction consent

very seriously.

I have an interview with Barb.

I'm so freaking pumped.

Got my best blazer

from the church donation bin.

Floral.

And, you know,

I also skimmed all 144 episodes

of "Million Dollar Listing."

So let's do my due debutante,

and let's make this

a short sale today, boys.

Wish me luck.

All my pontoon dreams depend upon it.

If you let me work for you,

I promise you will not be sorry.

Let's do something together, huh?

Picture me as a house.

Little House on the Prairie, maybe?

She's a-fixer upper.

Yeah, she is. She needs a little TLC.

- Okay, well

- No, let me finish.

No termites.

I've had a lot of people check.

The layout, I mean,

there's no complaints there.

- Uh-oh, bones are incredible.

- How about this?

Starting tomorrow,

you will be my new intern.

It's just an internship.

Are you serious?

Yes!

Manifest this, manifest that, ooh, uh.

Okay. Thank you.

- Sorry.

- Just calm it down.

The pillows are my friends.

They're sacred.

- Let's put that down.

- Of course.

That won't happen

Hey, quick question for Barb.

Do you think I could

just get a teeny tiny

little archival hair sample?

Hey, snips, how about no?

That's a yes or a no from you?

- Just checking for Barb.

- Mm-mm.

First we're gonna unpack

all my office supplies,

and then we're gonna organize

all of my wigs.

Like, wig on your head wigs?

Oh, yeah, girl.

Oh, God, I do love me a wig.

Isn't she cute?

Yes.

It's one of my favorites.

Anyway, so when you are done

unpacking those,

I'm gonna need you to cover

the town with signs.

A huge part of being

a successful realtor like myself

is making sure that wherever people go,

they see your face smiling back at 'em,

saying, "Buy me, buy me,

buy me, buy me."

Shh, yeah. "Buy me."

- Yeah.

- Super creepy.

Kind of intimidating.

You know, that is exactly the vibe

I am trying to project.

Oh, that reminds me,

my new realty shingle

is in at the post office.

- On it, got it.

- I'm sorry.

I have to sit down for a second.

These new beauties

are absolutely k*lling my feet.

Let me break them in for you.

Wh seriously?

Yes. I have double wide feet.

They could stretch out

concrete, seriously.

- Oh, that's amazing.

- Perfect.

I love this job.

I mean, Barb is so cool.

I'm literally gonna spend

the day in her shoes.

If I play my cards right,

I'll be wearing her hair by next week.

Time for an exciting new

segment on "Mickey About Town"

called, "What is Shrub dreaming?"

We want to know. What is Shrub dreaming?

I can't handle this anymore.

I'm dreaming of a place

where I can fall asleep

without the stupidest talk show ever

waking me up every single time.

Also, I was flying.

Hey, Shrub, how did things go

with Mickey?

Not good, Joe, not good at all.

Honestly, I'm going insane

because of lack of sleep,

and I don't have a car or a license

or a scooter anymore

because I busted it.

So now I have to walk everywhere.

And do not suggest Leotha to me,

because every time

she drives me anywhere,

she goes super slow,

and Mickey's gotta join,

and then it becomes

a whole frickin' production.

- Work, work ♪

- Hamilton!

Whoo!

- Oh, there's history ♪

- Happening ♪

In the greatest city in the world ♪

In the greatest city in the world ♪

The greatest city in the world ♪

The greatest city, in the great ♪

Well, I told Cheryl

that I'd take Kimmie Jean

for her daily wash,

but I'd be more than happy

to give you a ride somewhere.

I'll take that as a yes.

Where can I drop you?

I need to get a slushie at the gas mart.

But before I do that, I have

to buzz by Mickey's first,

because I left my wallet there,

'cause I was so mad at him

for sucking so bad,

and then I have to stop

at the thrift store on Main

before I cruise by the library

to see if they have Mario Kart 6 in.

Wow. That's a lot.

But I love that you're reading

books and using the library.

I'm here for my flock.

Whatever they need, I'm their man.

I let Mandy know to hold down the fort

at the church while I help Shrub out.

Then God gets all cold-blooded

and kicks us out of Eden,

because when he saw

the naked female body,

whoo!

He straight-up panicked.

'Cause even God can't handle

a body like this.

Come on, God, what are you so afraid of?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, Len, what's up?

I have six very graphic questions.

Yeah, so I might be leading

a Bible class now.

Joe don't need to know that.

This is a safe place for you.

It's a cemetery.

Everybody's already dead.

Why take a man on an errand

when you can teach a man how to fish?

I'm not teaching Shrub how to fish.

I'm teaching him how to drive.

I feel bad for the kid.

He needs a father figure.

When my dad taught me, it was

a real bonding experience.

Oh! It's going backwards!

- Oh!

- Help me!

- Oh, my God!

- Wait, wait!

- What? What?

- Oh, wait, first

Remember, you gotta pull

Oh, crap.

Beth.

I got this. I got this.

Whoa.

No, no, gentle, gentle.

- Okay!

- Nice.

Jeez.

- What's up, Beth?

- What's up?

Just driving a truck around.

You want a ride home?

Sure.

Sick.

Don't mess this up.

Hey, come on in.

Your chariot awaits.

Okay, move.

Sick truck, huh?

Guess I'm driving.

To Beth's place, please.

- Good news.

- Oh, just

The sign is here!

Love it!

Oh, my God, so exciting.

Oh, my God, it's amazing.

You are crushing it.

I mean, seriously, I am so glad

I took you under my wing.

Wing woman!

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, also, you got mail.

Ooh, it's a thick one.

Let's see.

What? Divorce papers?

You're serving me with divorce papers?

Are you kidding me? He cheated on me!

son of a b*tch!

! What the?

Uh, you know what?

Can you do me a favor

and and get these

and go put the signs, you know,

in the yards and stuff like that?

And I just

Barb just needs a minute for Barb.

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay?

- Of course.

- Okay.

I mean, based on that

completely amazing Barb-splosion,

I'm thinking Barb has more in

common with Kel than she thinks.

Holy mother of crap turds,

that's the boat from my vision board!

I manifested this.

I needed this today, especially after

that jerk from the Jerk Shack Nasty.

No, no, no, get this out of here.

- Dude.

- I I asked you nicely.

- You suck!

- Are you kidding me?

- You suck!

- You want to go?

I'll go over and over and over.

Ahh! What are you doing? Police!

No, ow! Ow!

Get out!

Doesn't matter now.

I have a boat.

Okay, pay attention.

We got a left turn coming up.

Which little wand thing

do you want to use, Shrub?

You can do it.

Uh, that one?

No.

No, that's the gearshift, okay?

Now, the turn's coming up.

You gotta choose.

- This?

- Oh, no, Shrub!

Let go! Stop touching that!

- I don't know what to touch!

- Look out!

Oh

Oh.

Oh, my God, Kimmie Jean.

Holy.

Uh, Cheryl's gonna lose it.

She's gonna be so mad.

Cheryl's gonna k*ll me.

Poor little guy got himself

all worked up.

Ahh!

Ah, let him go.

He'll wear himself out.

Hey, Barb.

I know I don't know you that well,

but it does seem like you're decorating

more out of anger than inspiration.

I'm not angry.

I'm just trying to, you know,

glow the place up,

make it more

"2020s Paltrow Pompano casual"

and less "1920s sad granny cat lady

Dust Bowl Donner dinner party."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am loving this new direction.

And you know what else I'm loving, girl?

Just the idea of you giving me

a little bit of your hair.

Girl, this is my good hair, okay?

A farm-raised Austrian girl

cut off her virgin hair

so that I could look this good.

You touch it, and you're gonna owe me

a boatload of money

and a huge apology

to an Austrian shepherdess

who now has a buzz cut.

- Totally.

- I need more pillows.

Looks great.

Okay.

She is going to k*ll me.

She's gonna k*ll me.

Hey, cowboy, you doing okay?

Okay? No.

No, nothing's okay, cowboy.

This is Cheryl's baby, and it's ruined,

and it's my fault.

Hey, wait, are you driving?

Yeah.

Oh, I mean, it's way easier without

you always talking and confusing me.

But seriously, calm down.

I know where we can get us a new mirror.

Get in.

So I put up signs

in front of every business

in the downtown district

Well, except for the Spicy Jerk Stand,

'cause Chris Warner sucks,

and his jerky isn't even good at all,

- and everyone knows it.

- Wait.

- Chris Warner?

- Yeah.

Hold on. Um

You mean this douchebag?

Yeah. Yes, that is him.

But now he's all, like, dumb and old,

and he looks like a spicy dried meat.

But not the venison, okay?

We're talking teriyaki beef nasty.

Hmm, I used to date this guy

back in high school.

Barb, tell me you're lying.

I wish I was.

God, why do all men suck,

and they can just get away with it?

It's not fair. I mean, my God, we can't

get away with anything, anything!

You know what? He's no

different than frickin' Bert!

For God's sake, I

Yeah. Oh, that's my pillow.

Um, I'm sorry.

I need to get a hold of myself

and calm it down.

No, you don't need to calm it down.

And do not say sorry.

You taught me that, okay?

Look at me.

You do not need to calm down.

You need to let it out.

Shrub has been incredible.

Can I come in?

When there's a crisis, he's the guy

you want to have around.

Maybe we can, like, build

a fort or something.

- That's nice.

- He found the exact

make and model of Cheryl's pickup truck,

and he got us a replacement side mirror.

Actually found us three.

Got another.

Incredible!

Something about watching

Shrub climb around

in the garbage all day makes me realize

what it is I like about him.

He's a stone-cold fox.

Things are really taking off

at the church for me.

In fact, due to popular demand,

I will be hosting Mandy Night

Sing Along Service, BYOB.

Now please turn the xeroxed hymnal

that I charged you 5 bucks for

at the beginning of service

to page 14, hymn number 72.

Hit it.

Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪

Please stick to the rivers ♪

And the lakes that you're used to ♪

I know that you're gonna

have it your way ♪

Or nothing at all ♪

I can't hear you now. Hey!

Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪

- Yes!

- Please stick ♪

- To the rivers and the lakes ♪

- Stick!

- That you're used to ♪

- To the rivers!

And the lakes that you're used to!

I know that you're

gonna have it your way ♪

- Or nothing at all ♪

- Nothing!

- You're getting nothing!

- But I think ♪

You're moving too fast ♪

Moving too fast!

I don't know how you wear these.

Kel was right.

Egging that weirdo unibrow man

I used to date in high school

really did make me feel

a whole lot better.

Helped me put things in perspective,

you know, so I could get

some other stuff done.

Oh, that Kel.

She could really teach

this old gal some new tricks.

What's going

Oh, my God!

Hi. Hey, girl.

- 3, 2, 1!

- Chick-zilla!

- Ah!

- Whoo!

Isn't it amazing?

Shrub painted it with his own two hands.

- Yeah.

- Oh.

Shrub, hey, can you give us

a couple seconds?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Are you gonna, um

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Hey, babe.

You know how you wanted chickens

and then you got chickens

and how I was so okay

with you getting chickens?

Oh, do you want a dog?

Joe, I don't think we can get

a dog with the chickens.

No, I want a Shrub.

- What?

- He needs a place to crash,

and we have an extra room.

And in my head,

Shrub is very good with chickens.

Oh, Joe, you're such a sweet guy.

Shrub's moving in!

Cheryl is so cool.

And egging aside,

Shrub is maturing really fast,

dare I say it, like a young man.

Okay, put her down. Put her down.

Or at least like an old teen.

Maybe we could be bros.

Shroes! That's Shrub and Joe

and bros all combined into one.

- Hey, Shrub.

- What?

- I got a new name for us.

- Okay.

Shroes!

Shroe-kay.

I see you, Shroe.

Oh, hey, Kel.

Why don't you knock off for the day?

It's been a long one, huh?

And also, I've been thinking,

I think we should make it official.

I'd love for you to come to work

as my full-time intern.

Oh.

Uh, I super appreciate the opportunity

and, like, I learned so much

from you today.

But I've been thinking

about our relationship.

So what were you thinking?

I learned a ton from Barb today,

but I mean, it's a two-way street,

and honestly, I was

teaching Barb left and right.

And if I'm gonna manifest

a pontoon boat,

I have to manifest

some real U.S. dollars

by manifesting a real job.

So what you're saying

is you want to go from $0

to minimum wage.

That's my best and final offer.

Uh-huh.

Um

Manifested.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

- I won't let you down.

- Oh, I know you won't.

You're gonna be fantastic.

- Okay, get down

- Let's give you these.

Yes! Oh, my God. Are they ready?

- They're ready.

- So over these Crocs k*lling my feet.

So not my style. Ah!

Ah, same.

Hey, there's just one more thing,

um, I wanted to ask.

- Uh

- Anything.

So can I get a lock of your hair?

Just because Nadine is driving me crazy.

I got her hair.

It's thinner than I thought.

It's kind of greasy, but who cares?

The Flatch hair tree

is complete.

I have arrived, Flatch!

I am a single, newly divorced woman

wearing her hot heels saying,

"Look out world, here I am."

I want you to know

I'm not afraid of the female body,

like God is.

And I'm also not afraid to

chase waterfalls, whatever that is.