03x06 - Shmaloogles

[bunniefuu]

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

Hey, boys! Thanks for coming in
on such short notice.

-No worries, it's our job.
-Yeah.

Cool, so anyways,

you guys got a job to help
the Shmaloogles

in Shmaloogleville.

Shmaloogles?

Yeah, Shmaloogles.

I’m-- I'm just reading
off the card here, man.

I don't write them,
I just read them.

It says, "The Shmaloogles
in Shmaloogleville need help."

So, that's all I know.

Sounds like a fun job to me.

Cool, any questions?

Uh, yeah,
I actually do have a question.

Um, who is that?
Who's that man?

Oh, it's my boy, Neil.

We're gonna watch
the, uh, Clerks movies

in the Rumpus Room later.

Um, and look, s-- no pressure,

but, like, if you guys want to,
like, join us,

that would be awesome.

Uh, maybe, yeah.

I mean, it really just depends
if we have time or not,

right, Pim? 'Cause it's like...

Yeah, if we get done in time,
we'll let you know.

Also, Neil did message
Brian O'Halloran.

He's, uh, Dante in Clerks. Uh...

So I don't know
if he'll come, but yeah.

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Brian was messaged.

We're going to go
on the job now,

but we'll see,
we'll let you know.

See you later, Mr. Boss.

Yeah, yeah, no worries.
Have fun.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

So they don't like
Clerks or what?

No, man,
I'm sure they like Clerks.

Those guys just have a lot
on their plate right now.

[CAR ENGINE RUMBLING, RATTLING]

[CAR ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Dude, that car is not meant
for off-roading at all.

Oh, this place looks lovely!

Greetings!
Thank you for coming to help us.

I am King Shmaloogle,
and this is Shmaloogleville.

[SHMALOGGLES GIGGLING]

-♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-We Shmaloogles
are a simple people.

We spend most
of our time Shmaloogleing.

[SHMALOOGLES EXCLAIMING]

-For fun, we also Gloogle.
-[SHMALOOGLES EXCLAIMING]

But, of course,

a day in Shmaloogleville
wouldn't be the same

without some good
old-fashioned Woogling.

[SHMALOOGLES PURRING]

-♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
-This place seems like
a paradise.

What could you
possibly need our help with?

Schmalugley-woogley-woo!

Our Shmaloogle machine
is boogling

when it should be zoogling.

It's making us so sad.

[SHMALOOGLES SOBBING]

Oh, yeah. We can try
to help you with that.

Nah, dude. I'm--
I'm not doing this one.

Wait, what?
What's the matter, Charlie?

Yeah, it's fine. I just...

This is way more
of a Pim job, man.

And I think you're gonna do
a really good job.

-What do you mean?
-I just, I know I'm not going
to add anything to this.

Oh, is it just
the Shmaloogle stuff?

-Okay, I understand.
-It's everything.

-Yeah, it doesn't
feel like Charlie.
-Yeah, it's everything.

It's the look, it's the name,
it's the problem they have.

-It's all of it.
-That's all right.

I can do this on my own
if you don't want to.

-Yeah, that's all right.
-Yeah, yeah.
By the way, by the way,

dude, I'll go grab us lunch

and just tell me
what you want from Wawa.

Can I get
a chicken salad wrap, actually?

Absolutely, yeah.

No worries, yeah, I'll do this
while you're gone. Yeah.

-Oh, good.
-All right, man.

-All right, see you, Charlie.
-CHARLIE: All right.
See you, man.

Okay, let's see. Uh...

What exactly
is the problem again

-with the Shmaloogle machine?
-[LOUD SCREECHING]

-♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-Oh, no! Everyone, hide!

[SHMALOOGLES SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

-[SHMALOOGLES AND PIM SCREAM]
-[LOUDLY] Pim!

[PIM SCREAMING]

-Wh-- What was that?
-♪ [MUSIC ENDS] ♪

Oh, that just happens
every now and again.

-What?
-[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Hey! Look, everyone!

I've got
the Shmaloogle machine working!

Oh, huzzah!

Shmaloogle celebration!

-SHMALOOGLES: Yay!
-♪ [UPBEAT MUSICAL CUE PLAYS] ♪

-[ROARING]
-♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[WHIMPERING]

-[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
-[SCREAMS]

I shall crush you with a liquid!

No, please don't do that!

Quiet, you!

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

-Now, where was I?
-[SCREAMS]

[PIM GRUNTING]

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

Now it's your turn!
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

-♪ [MUSIC ENDS] ♪
-[MUFFLED SHOUTS]

Wait a minute!
Your head won't fit!

You're not a Shmaloogle!
Explain yourself!

[GASPS] I'm Pim!

The Shmaloogles called me
and my friend to help them!

It's my job!

Bah! Dammit!
I need more Shmaloogles then!

Wait! What do you even need
the Shmaloogles for

in the first place?

-You really wanna know, huh?
-♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

What is wrong
with you little freaks?

We gotta do something.

Oh, relax, Charlie.

There's nothing we can do.

Why don't you chill out

and have a homemade
Shmaloogle shake

that Princess Shmaloogle made?

Oh, hello.
Have a Shmaloogle shake.

No, I don't want
a Shmaloogle milkshake.

I want to get my friend
and I want to go home.

-[BELL RINGING]
-♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

It's Shmaloogle o'clock.

[SHMALOOGLES CHEERING]

-♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
-[SHMALOOGLES GASP]

Hey, hey, stop doing
your stupid little dance!

The village was just attacked
and your friends were kidnapped

and you're not going
to do anything about it

except for dance around
and talk in nonsense?

You suck
and you're weak little cowards!

He's right.
I'm inspired.

Me too!

I feel funny inside.

I want to fight!

You know what?
I don't like dancing around.

I've been repressing this
for too long.

Let's go k*ll that wizard!

[ROARS]

Hey, come on now, guys.

We're Shmaloogles, man.

We don't fight.

We sing and we dance.

f*ck you!

[SHMALOOGLES GRUNT,
SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]

Guys, guys, guys, look. I like
the direction you're going in,

but I think we need
to channel this energy

into something
more constructive.

Like what?

How about a cool f*cking
training montage?

♪ [INTENSE ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[INAUDIBLE]

[GRUNTS, SHOUTS]

♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪

Ready to learn
the horrible secret

that will change
your life forever?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC STING] ♪

Sorry, what's the problem?

My hair is thinning!

Okay, and what does that have
to do with the Shmaloogles?

I read on a forum

that Shmaloogles are
a natural remedy for hair loss,

so I've been k*lling them

and rubbing their juices
on my scalp.

There's nothing wrong
with going bald,

and it definitely doesn't mean

you need to k*ll
innocent creatures over it.

Okay, okay, wow, okay,
you really don't get it.

Uh, come over here, let me
show you something, come here.

♪ [EERIE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[CRYSTAL ORB CHIMES]

All right,
you see this right here?

Yeah.

This is called
the Norwood Scale,

and it goes from one to seven.

And right now, I'm like a...

Uh, like a three and a half,
or a four.

And it's just getting worse.

Look, I think you're thinking
about it too much.

I don't even think
people notice.

Oh, wait, let me guess.
Let me guess.

Just shave it off
and accept it, right?

-Yeah, like just own it.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

A lot of people go bald
and they just own it.

-Who? Who?
-You know...

There's lots of celebrities
that are bald.

Oh, you mean like rich,
handsome people

who can hire
like personal trainers?

I don't think that matters.
Balding is fine.

It's just I don't think hair
matters as much as you think.

Okay, okay, okay.
Look. That's great.

Hold on to that thought.

I want you to tell me

what you think this guy
does for a living, okay?

-[SIGHS] Like a...
-Go.

Looks like
a construction worker,
a mechanic.

-Just someone who works...
-Oh! Oh! Interesting.

So sort of like blue collar,

-bottom of the bottom
of the society.
-Yeah-- No, no.

-No, there's nothing wrong
with jobs like that.
-No!

He looks like he works
with his hands,

like a laborer type of job.
Sure.

Perfect answer.

-What's your point though? Why?
-No, no, no. There's no trick.

Let me just...
Okay. Now, now,

what does this guy do?

-Ooh. Right? Ooh.
-You just put hair on him?

-[SCOFFS] I mean--
-Still a construction worker?

He could, like, yeah, I mean...

Oh, oh, could he?
Really? Really?

You wouldn't say CEO?
Or president?

You'd say laborer, really?

Come on, dude,
be honest, come on, come on.

I do kind of see
your point, yeah.

So you agree
that me k*lling Shmaloogles

is totally justified, then?

Look, being locked up here all
by yourself looking at images

on a scary orb
can't be good for anyone.

Have you ever thought
about talking

to a professional about this?

No, I've never told anyone
about my hair loss,

and I never will!

The only reason I've told you is
because I'm going to k*ll you!

-No, please don't!
-♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[LOUD RHYTHMIC STOMPING]

♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Yo, man, give me my friend back
and we'll call it even.

I got a f*cking army with me.

Ah, how wonderful!

The Shmaloogles have come right
to my doorstep for me to m*rder!

Attack!

-[SHMALOOGLES YELLING]
-♪ [MUSIC INTENSIFIES] ♪

[GRUNTS]

-[YELLS]
-[SCREAMS]

-[GROANS]
-[SHMALOOGLES SCREAMING]

[INDISTINCT CLAMOR]

[GRUNTING]

[LOUD BANG ON DOOR]

[SHMALOOGLES YELLING]

[GRUNTS]

-♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
-[PANTING] Oh, man.

Oh, man, those stairs k*lled me.

Charlie!

For your relentless attacks
on our people and our village,

we sentence you to death.

Any last words?

Yeah!

Smile and blow me!

Wait, Mr. Wizard!

You should tell them
why you did what you did!

I'd rather die!

k*ll me! k*ll me! k*ll me!
k*ll me! k*ll me!

Look, you're balding,

and it's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Tell them that you've been using
Shmaloogles to try and cure it.

No, it's a cowlick,

plus the lighting is all weird
in here and everything.

It's...

All right. Fine. Fine!

I'm going bald.

Oh, that's your problem?

Dude,
you don't need Shmaloogles.

You just need,
like, finasteride and minoxidil.

Yeah, but...

I mean, don't those drugs
come with, like,

nasty side effects or something?

For some guys, yeah.

For me personally,
I've been on it for ten years.

I've never had
those issues personally, but...

I didn't know that, Charlie.

Yeah, man.
If I never got on medication,

I would be fully bald
at this point.

I'd be like
that guy right there.

But, you know, for you,

the Norwood level
that you're at right now,

your hair is totally savable.

No, I think you're right.

I-- I really think
you're right. Um...

I just gotta
bite the b*llet and just try it.

And you know what?

Even if I do get side effects,

at least I tried something,
right?

So does this mean you won't k*ll
the Shmaloogles anymore?

I suppose so.

-Shmaloogletastic!
-♪ [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

So, what now?

You guys wanna get Wawa?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

See, Charlie?

Turns out you are good at
helping silly characters smile.

Uh, Pim,
you're the smile expert,

buddy, all right?

Everything I know,
I learned from you.

All right, let's get that
out of the way.

And hey, I'll tell you what,
maybe I'll even do a little bit
of the Shmaloogle dance, huh?

What if I do that? [SCATS]

Uh, by the way,
I just wanted to bring this up.

When we were storming the castle
before and going up the steps,

I saw you take a picture
of Princess Shmaloogle

from underneath her dress.

I just want to say
I'm really not okay with that.

What?
Are you talking to me?

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

-I didn't do that.
-I swear I saw you behind us.

Wait, wait,
not only did I not do that,

it's not even possible.

I haven't had my phone
on me all day.

I forgot it at the office.
Look.

Gosh, I didn't
know you didn't have your phone.

Maybe it was just the way

your hand was moving
or something.

-Yes.
-Forget I said anything.

I'm sorry.

I mean,
the vibe's ruined now, dude.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

Oh! So, what's amazing
about this shot is

-We had a limited space--
-Hang on a second, man.

I just want to hear this part.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's all good.

It's all good.