01x05 - Immigration

[bunniefuu]

Today on "ziwe" I'll talk about immigration.

With over million immigrants, the u.s. Has more immigrants

Than any other country in the world.

Sounds ridiculous when you say --

Despite being a nation of immigrants historically

America's laws and attitudes towards immigration have been

Exclusionary.

Wait, wait. What jt you're canadian?

U. Give me your tired, poor, huddled masses has only applied

To a select few.

Really nice.

Julio torres is an iconic immigrant.

So I invited him to the show. Gives valuable advise to

Immigrants.

What do you need advice in.

Makes suggestions.

May I make a suggestion.

And so much more.

Keep doing what you've been doing.

Later we talk to secretary of housing and urban development

Julian castro for more insight. So stay tuned.

It's going to be iconic.

The clock is ticking.

Ziwe "

Ziwxi

Ziw "ziwe" starts right now.

You know his writing from "snl."

His tantastic show and hbo special, "my favorite shapes."

Please welcome julio torres! Hi.

Hi.

Oh, my god! How are you doing?

Thank you for doing the show.

Thank you for having me.

Julio, in "es squier" magazine you suns said I'm not

Here representing immigrants. I am not here representing

Salvadorans, hispanics or g*y people.

I have never wanted to use any of those things as calling card.

Who do you want to represent less?

Immigrants or g*y people?

Um -- I don't know. Maybe -- maybe we allow the

Groups to vote.

What do you think your strongest voting bloc is?

I don't know my numbers.

Either is offensive.

Yes. I am very vulnerable.

You can fully whatever you want.

My name is julio torres, and I hate marginalized communities.

Wow, julio. That was definitely something.

What is wrong with representing immigrants?

Oh. Um -- I don't think there'sing

In wrong with representing immigrants.

I think that I'm just, like -- ah -- I don't want to speak for

People who haven't elected me to speak on their behalf.

Okay. We looked on your twitter and

Found no thoughts uner black lives matter.

What is wrong with you and do you hate black people?

Um --

Um --

My name is julio torres and I didn't post a black square on

Stain graham either, because I don't give a sh*t about black

Lives.

Wow. What's something about american

Culture that you hate?

It feels like a lot of paper work, to be honest.

It feels like -- every moment in my life in the u.s. Is a day

That goes by where I forgot to fill out some form.

And the clock is ticking. And the repercussions of me not

Getting back to that person are just getting bigger and bigger

And bigger. And just like, getting sick here

Is so difficult.

Yeah. Sounds like you hate america.

No!

What do you love about america?

I think that for all its awful, awful, horrible faults.

Wow.

It is -- one of the few places where, like, we both can

Have a career.

And in a different world I think I would be a mother.

I'm always -- I think that's my exit plan.

If this fails, I guess I have to get married.

Really?

Yeah. Channel all of my aggression

Into my child. Raise the next president of the

United states, but they would grow to hate me.

May I make a suggestion?

Please.

A think you would be an incredible stepmother.

What I've always said.

I am reading stepmother. More than reading mother-mother.

Okay, wow. Ut don't have to be a mom.

Even if you have kids you don't have to be a mother.

That's cool, too. What I like about america.

Wouldn't it be incredible if xi

Wouldn't it be incredible if xi

Ziwe was a show people learned you don't have to be a mother.

How would they react? You're the vier.

Hey, viewer out there, you don't have to be a mom.

What advice would you give my nigerian parents.

How old were they when they came?

Just like today.

What do they need advice in?

Being african. Living in the united states.

Having a daughtering that both gorgeous and emotionally

Unavailable.

Keep -- doing what you've been doing with ziwe, because

Look at her now. She has a show.

That's -- really, really weird that you talked to my

Parents like that. No respect.

I'm sorry.

Okay. Time to play "wheel of assets."

Do, do, do

Julio torres in his game you spin the we'll and on whenner

The accent with an impression of it.

I flipped a coin before and decided I had be spinning and

You will be playing.

Wow! What a miracle!

We landed on nigerian accent.

You said you're a nigerian?

I'm nigerian. Julio?

Um -- I mean -- ah -- ah -- hi.

I'm ziwe, welcome to my show.

You think that's my accent?

No.

Julio, come on. You're an actor, a talented

Comedian.

I'm not a very good actor.

You're very good.

I'm not.

You are.

Yes, yes.

You're doing a fantastic julio torres impression.

Do a ziwe impression.

My name is julio torres and I refuse to support black women on

Premium cable.

Can I do french?

Sure.

But since I'm wearing a mask I wonder if mib we can get a

French actor to avr my impression.

[ Speaking in foreign language ]

I owe a lot to the french because that's how I met maky

Kate olsen.

Do you love her?

I was in paris and met mary

I was in paris and met ma mary-kate olsen.

Wow.

Can you do an awesome twin accent?

You got "it" dude.

Wow.

It's preposterous.

Okay. Let's continue.

Try this one.

I -- no.

You can't try jean -- don't do a jamaican accent, a chet

Hanks.

Tom hanks son.

Be like -- he'd be like, dirty wine!

Woke up this morning internet gone mad.

Big up, the whole life, massive.

Um --

Not bad because you're impersonating a white guy.

It's a shame you couldn't hear me because I did a perfect

U dawneden accent.

You won't hesitate to repeat it.

I forgot it.

You forgot it?

Yeah.

Okay. Indian.

Japanese. Anything?

I think we covered all of them.

Yeah. I argue you contributed nothing

And this was --

I'll -- for the wheel.

Can you do my theme song? Do, do, do

Wheel of accent. That game stunk pap new game.

My favorite shats. We'll show awe bunch of shapes

You're going to tem which are immigrants, their vibe, they're

Story. Spoiler.

One of these characters is a xenophobe from america.

You'll have to flush that out.

And you see an unwillingness to change there, and --

Wow t. Is

Wow t..

Wow t..

It is so used to be rely

It is so used to be relied on.

The idea of others coming and potentially change that seems to

Unnerve this --

Wow.

But which one do you like?

I like the shiv.

Uh-huh.

This one, it's sort of tired of people assuming it has an

Aggressive issue when really it's -- making myself more

Palatable.

Exactly.

That's for you.

Thank you. As a pisces, scorpio rising, I

Think this is me.

I want to call you a scorpio rising.

Wait. Shut up.

What's your moon?

Capricorn.

Makes sense.

What's your moon?

Leo. My aquarian self is evident.

I find aquarians very chaotic.

Really?

That's okay. I'm chaotic.

Race w*r. Who's team are you on?

[ Screaming ]

Nancy bokwin.

Oh!

Okay. Aquarians, oprah.

I love oprah.

Look under your chair. There's a free car!

It's chaos.

Yes it is chaotic.

One last question for you.

Uh-huh.

What do you call like, about immigrants.

It often requires resilience. So -- that is good, period.

Yeah. I mean no.

I love that immigrants are resilient like christopher

Columbus, resilient in k*lling an onslaught of people!

Thank you for having me.

Thanks for doing the show. That's it.

[ Applause ]

My name is julio torres, and christopher columbus is my home

Boy. Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to win me some awards.

What do I get out of it

What do I get out of it can you say it but what do I

Get out of it can you cook, can you clean,

Are you hot enough to be on a magazine

Can you mow my lawn, do you have a degree

Well, sovereign on me, mona escaped the w*r in tripoli

A doctor in her country, wow, can she do my laundry now?

What do I get out of it what, what do I get out of

It can you comment you but what

Do I get out of it if want to stay here you've

Got to pay to play here and if you can't afford the pay we can

Find another way solomon works in a sweat

Shop making shoes it's her life, she's q*eer

Believes she'll be safer here what do I get out of this, what,

What do I get out of this you can come and stay a bit,

But what the do I get out of this

: A.m., Status, sbc lives in london happy year but wants

To purchase three homes here but duma and put them in

Somalia, can't afford their legal fees should they be

Allowed to be can't stay undeservedly, get

Underneath and service me if caught indentured servitude

Look who's back, mona, the duma and anatural ia

Duma and anatural ia

Didn't we tell you to come back to where you came from?

What do I get out of it, what, what, do I get out of this

You can come and stay a bit but what do I get out of this

This song is dedicated to my bad, dirty b*tches, and fake

h*-a*s b*tch it's who can't talk about immigrants without asking

What it does for them.

It's asian-american and pacific islanders heritage month

And in a long tradition of corporate inclusion, we are

Going to celebrate our aapi staff with a round of mandatory

Applause. [ Applause ]

Gordon, michelle, paul -- [ applause ]

I'm sorry. This is for me?

Yes.

Yeah!

We love your asian and/or pacific islander heritage.

Please do something in mandatory asian-pacific islander

Heritage month.

Um -- okay. Ah --

Yeah!

Jordan, jordan! Don't hurt him.

I'm sorry. Actually -- see, it seems

Offensive.

That was --

Finish it. Finish it.

Um. Okay.

Whew!

Yeah!

We love you, jordan.

Yeah, yeah. I thought you guys hated me?

No. It's mandatory this month.

Mandatory to like me? Happy asian to you, happy

Pacific islander to you happy heritage -- heritage --

To -- to you happy month to you

Wow. Guys, this is so nice.

Thank you.

All right. Reset.

Reset!

You're in my shot.

Pride month, take one.

Action.

My favorite letters are lgbtq and plus.

Happy pride month it's so great to be g*y this

Month this is okay

Okay to be g*y, g*y, g*y, g*y, g*y day

Jordan looks kind of bummed. You know, we made this sketch to

Satirize months that are hollow and don't get in the roots of a

Culture and in days, days, but the truth is, villainizing

An asian man doesn't lift me up. The model minoritisy a myth.

Respectability politics are a myth.

If we want to overcome racism, we have to do it --

All: together.

In fact, the real double here is obviously, devil.

All: white supremacy.

And home phobia.

All: h*m*!

It's bad t. Is bad.

Oh, yeah.

It is often said that immigrants are the backbone of

America. Well, I think that's wrong.

They're the neck, the back and pt ussy and I'm the crack.

I'm an immigrant. Descendant of english pilgrims.

I, too, am an immigrant. My great-great-great-great

Grandfather came here years ago from ireland.

My name is melodya smith. Spaniards is my people.

Immigrant is my identity.

We are --

All --

All: immigrants.

I hate the term "john doe." The most popular pilgrim name is

Now used to identify bodies at crime scenes?

Is that because all pilgrims are criminals?

Hmm? F. I don't like it here I can

Leave? I wonder what my irish catholic

Grand uncle john f. Kennedy would say about that?

Because if he left -- we wouldn't have had a president

During that time.

People make fun of me, because I don't know how to

Pronounce, how do you say, cucumber?

America is nothing without immigrants.

Like me.

Like me.

Yo soy immigrante. Amazing grace

How sweet the sound that saved a wretch snowed

That saved a wretch sno that saved a wretch sno

People salem guess. I'm not just irish.

I'm g*y. It's like -- maybe next time ask

Before you just assume.

My parents immigrated to this country so I could have a

Better life. Joke's on them.

I'm a professional clown!

Next we'll talk to democrat and former secretary of housing

And urban development, julian castro.

Hello, secretary castro.

How are you?

Thank you so much for doing my show.

Oh, glads to be with you.

In america who has more rights.

g*ns or undocumented immigrants?

Well -- to listen to some of the folks around my neck of the

Woods in texas, you know, the answer to that might be the

Second amendment.

Who are some of your favorite immigrants in america?

Can you give me a top five list?

Ah, I mean, there are a lot of folks.

Who have immigrated to our country done amazing things.

I think about all of the folk who are, you know, leading

Companies. People who have -- contributed

Through public service. Just a number of different

Folks. And -- the idea you're going to

Ask me for a top five list and I'm trying to go through my

Mind.

Justin bieber? Drake?

I don't know. It's your list.

Yep.

So the biden administration continues to enforce title at

The southern border. A la that allows the government

To block non-citizens from entering the country citing

Covid-. Is it less r*cist for biden to

Continue this immigration policy because he's a democrat?

Hmm. Ah, well, I think [ bleep ]

Doing it it was based on a dark heart there there was racial

Animus there. I don't believe for a second jb

Has the same dark heart towards immigrants that donald [ bleep ]

Did. Jb is not a r*cist bigot the way

That donald [ bleep ] was, same time the policies put in place

By [ bleep ] should be a default and it's a bad choice to do that

Whether a republican or democrats.

The democrats a bunch of weak-a*s punks?

No. A lot of folks are fighting

Back. All resistant pushback during

The [ bleep ] years we need to take that fighting spirit and

Inject it in many of these legislatures and state houses

And in congress.

Is joe manchin a democrat?

He is, today. He's a democrat.

I mean, you know -- obviously he's the most

Conservative democrat probably out there, but each party has

Their version of that.

Texas experienced one of the worst winter storms causing

Millions to lose power. Several people died.

Worse that ted kruse left worse that ted kruse cruz left

State during that crisis or that he threw his family under the

Bus in the process?

Yeah. Ted cruz has been so bad for the

State of texas, getting down to cancun.

Calling the army weak. When he, he looks like he

Couldn't even do five push-ups. I mean, just -- just pick your

Poison there.

Drug him!

Donald [ bleep ] called his wife ugly and suggested that his

Father had something to do with jfk's assassination and then ted

Cruz went over there and, you know, kissed his butt.

It doesn't make sense.

George bush is releasing a new book called "out of many,

One." Will you be gifting this book to

Any of your friends and family? T. I mean, it's not at the top

Of my list right now. I do think george w. Bush had

Better views, certainly, than donald [ bleep ] and more a

Voice of reason, but these -- he's been one bigger

Beneficiaries of how bad [ bleep ] was, because bush

Himself was not a particularly good president.

Yeah! What do you qualitatively love

About immigrants?

Their dreams. It's beautiful to listen to

Folks who are coming here and, you know, to create a better

Life, and that they -- they see that glass as half full no

Matter what. That's always beautiful to

Watch, and it's also that much more disappointing when

Politicians who mainly have been privileged their whole lives

Stomp on that, and it would be better for our country if they

Let those dreams flourish.

Thank you, secretary castro. You have been such an iconic

Guest. Thank you for taking the time to

Chas with me. It was such a pleasure.

Truly.

Glad to be with you.

Could you lean in, please?

Ah. There you go.

Lean in more, castro. Lean in more!

[ Laughter ]

Feeling like you guys cut off -- my -- moment.

You're the -- a pride dance? Do a pride dance.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, jordan, that was sort of the commitment I wanted.

History.

I felt offensive doing my.

No. It's cool.

Black dance. Black dance.

Yeah, black. Black history.

Black-history black-his

Black-history.

Dance like martin would!



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