02x04 - Hot!

[bunniefuu]

[Ziwe VO] Planet Earth.

Temperatures are getting hotter.

Ocean levels are rising.

I got my first sunburn in Paris meeting Mary Kate Olsen.

Why?

dramatic music

The sun is r*cist.

And I, Ziwe, have to fight the sun.

I've come up with my own Green New Deal,

and the deal is: already be rich!

It's the only proven way to survive climate change.

Take control of your own climate journey,

just like the penguins from 'March of the Penguins.'

[penguins chirping]

It's not too late.

chimes

Global warming is terrifying, but as they say,

we must all do our part.

That's why tonight, I'm talking to actress/producer/climate

activist Ilana Glazer.

Pollute, women.

Pollute.

[Ziwe VO] And later on, I'll be stripping to save the penguins.

[groaning]

-Hold on. -Ugh!

Earth is in its flop era.

The planet needs you to watch this episode,

because it's only getting worse from here.

The planet, not this episode.

'Ziwe' starts now.

cool theme music

[engine revs, tires screech]



[tires screech]



[camera clicks]



Next, I'll be joined by a very iconic guest.

You may know her from 'Broad City,'

or her new show, 'The Afterparty.'

Please welcome Ilana Glazer!

Hi.

Hello, how are you doing?

Hi, Ziwe. I'm doing well.

Thank you for coming on the show.

I'm so excited to chat with you.

Thank you for having me.

You look beautiful; I don't wanna objectify right off the

bat, but you really look gorgeous.

You're like the apple of my eye.

It's wild that you describe me as something to be consumed.

[beep]

-Did I say "apple of my eye?" -You did.

I meant "sun in my sky."

Like the sun that's currently burning the Earth to

[indistinct].

It's not the sun's fault.

Interesting that in the climate change debate,

you're taking the sun's side.

I-- I feel like I just will blindly take the sun's side.

Death to all Earthlings.

Yeah.

[sighs]

Now, you made a standup special about climate change called 'The

Planet is Burning.'

The planet is on f*cking fire!

Would you say you're profiting off of climate change?

[sigh] It was almost like, in a way,

like free advertising for climate.

-[Ziwe] Got it. -The climate crisis.

[Ziwe] Got it.

But I would-- I would, like, definitely-- I'm definitely

willing to hold the possibility that I'm profiting off of

climate change, just because...

everything that you make creates waste.

Okay, you looked around my set.

And I said "you."

I actually mean me; I actually mean me.

Mm.

[sighs]

It's wild to watch you in this intimate moment spiral in a way

that is so specific to you.

Yeah, I'm spiraling, like, kinda all the time.

Were there any fossil fuels used to make 'Broad City?'

Probably and for sure.

'Broad City' was-- you know, we, like,

brought in, like-- "Bring in the trucks."

We definitely, uh, created some damage with 'Broad City.'

Any fracking involved or...?

That I can say clearly; our production didn't frack.

[Ziwe] Okay.

But were we sh**ting on fracked land?

-Probably! -[Ziwe] Wow.

Sometimes, I like to not think about things,

and then, I don't feel bad at all.

Stupid rights, stupid rights!

Which is worse:

that the planet is burning or that crosses burn?

Uh, I think it's worse-- ooh!

Uh, which one's worse?

I think it's worse that the planet is burning--

[Ziwe] Wow!

Because when crosses burn, it's on a burning planet.

Oppression Olympics; I see who's got gold on your team.

Yeah, ooh...

What's a bigger threat to humanity:

plastic bottles or improv comedy?

Um...

I say a bigger threat to humanity is...

plastic...bottles, but it's close.

Mm.

Did you ever improv?

[Ziwe] Yeah, I did.

Improv was really hard because I had a teach in Chicago who was

like...

"The way that you react to things is not human."

[chuckles]

I've been asked if I was AI on multiple occasions.

[Ilana] Ew!

Who is to say that I'm human?

Who is to say?

If you cut me and I bled pink, that would be proof.

[surging electronic noises]

Who is your under -- kids under who will solve

climate change?

kids under .

Do you know children?

I do not know children, which I think is healthy as a

[beep]-year-old with a baby who's not a teacher.

But I guess Greta Thunberg, who, um,

sometimes her name is pronounced [with accent] "Greta Toon-brig,"

'cause it's, like, Swedish or something.

[Ziwe] Oh, got it.

Do you think you would survive the Apocalypse?

[beep] no!

[beep] no.

I think I will be, like, one tribe leader's, like...

his prettiest wife

How would you secure that position?

Kissing. [kissing noises]

-Yeah. -And that's it.

[Ziwe] Yeah.

What I like about you is that you're a strong,

independent woman.

Is it okay for women to pollute because they're women?

I guess it's okay.

It's like there's little way around it...

-[Ziwe] Mm-hm. -So... [sighs]

If anyone is going to pollute, why not a Black lady?

-Yeah! -[Ziwe] Think about it.

Yeah, create that-- that waste...Ziwe.

Please tell all the women out there to pollute.

Pollute, women.

Pollute.

Is there some part of you that's like...

it's comforting knowing that "Hey,

like, climate change affects people disproportionately but,

like, I'm on the good side of it.

Like, I won't be affected that bad?"

I gotta admit:

it's comforting in a way, I guess,

because I'm, like, comfortable in my A/C.

[Ziwe] Got it.

But in an existential way, I'm...

yeah, like, painfully uncomfortable.

Like now.

Very much like now, although this is more of a physical,

literal discomfort.

Can you describe how viscerally uncomfortable you are?

Yeah, I guess it's like I'm, like,

holding my bowels, um...

-[Ziwe] Wow. -And my breath.

You're not the first person to bring up their bowels when

talking to me.

You know, it's because our bowels represent our

mortality...

[Ziwe] Got it.

And there's something about you...

That is makes you feel like [beep].

No, that makes me, like, think about my death and my mortality.

Wow, so a Black woman is sort of the Angel of Death to you.

Only this Black woman -- Ziwe.

-Wow! -Does that help?

suspenseful horror music

I'm getting tickle vibes, which is,

you know, exhilarating, uncomfortable,

um...

frightening.

You're tickling me.

You're over-sexualizing me.

Oh, [beep], you're right!

Would you like to apologize to any marginalized communities for

any things you've ever done?

I would like to apologize to marginalized communities for

anything I've ever done to them.

That's so not specific enough.

-Um-- -Come on, get into the weeds!

Uh, okay, well--

-[Ziwe] Get into the weeds! -Let's talk about "Yas, queen."

Oh, okay!

-Yas, queen. -Yas, queen!

That was some white woman ignorance.

[Ziwe] Wow.

We didn't know what we were doing there.

It was in the ether.

That was appropriation, and I'm sorry for it.

This is an Aha moment.

triumphant music

Thank you for watching 'Ziwe.'

We'll be back after the break.

[sighs]

[Ziwe VO] Next on 'Ziwe.'..

So you're gonna drown a senior citizen?

Not with my bare hands.

jaunty music

Fact:

fossil fuels, like the gas you put in your car,

are driving climate change and k*lling our environment.

Fact:

electric cars are expensive and often shaped like bugs.

Ew. [chuckles]

Fact:

most purses are simply not big enough to carry around a charger

for an electric car.

So, how can you keep driving your sexy wireless natural-gas

vehicle, and how can we make a profit?

With Gaso Z, of course!

Gaso Z is the world's first sustainable gas company,

founded by Ziwe, in cooperation with Big Oil --

uh, sort of Black-owned.

Gaso Z is made entirely of the sustainable products -- you

know, all that's left.

Plus, unlike other fossil fuel giants,

Gaso Z cares about the environment...

and the people living in it.

That's why for every gallon of gas you buy,

we will donate a gallon to an African person in need.

uplifting music

Make your carbon footprint pop by using Gaso Z!

It also feels good on the skin!

Ohh!

Ah, sustainability in action!

[giggles in delight]

jaunty music

Ilana, we cannot stop climate change ourselves without making

hard decisions, so luckily, you get to make the choices for us

in a game I'm calling "Ziwe's Ark."

mellow orchestral music

[groaning]

[Ilana] Okay, careful.

So I'll present you with three things,

and you have to tell me which one you'd save,

and which one you'd mate, and which one you'd drown.

Save, mate, or drown -- okay.

[Ziwe] Florida...

turtles, or senior citizens with allergies.

Okay, so I'm gonna drown the senior citizen with allergies.

-[Ziwe] Okay. -She seems close anyway.

I can't [beep] a turtle, so I guess I'll [beep] Florida?

Wow, you're gonna have sex with Florida.

It's almost like...

whimsical piano music

Oh, wait! Drown?

-You're drowning them. -Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're gonna down that old person?

Oh, and I'll save the turtles.

Okay, you're gonna sa-- so you're gonna drown a senior

citizen?!

Not with my bare hands.

This is like a...

hypothetical...

They drown.

Got it.

[woman VO] Help me, I'm drowning!

[Ziwe] Next game!

jaunty music

Ilana, do you feel bad knowing that children will bear the

brunt of climate change?

I totally do, Ziwe.

[Ziwe] Wow.

Well, now you can make amends in a game we're calling "Apologize

to This Child."

Child!

[Ilana] Hey.

mellow upbeat music

This is Christopher. Isn't he adorable?

[Ilana] Hey, Christopher.

Yes.

[chimes]

This kid is happy because they're about to go to

[beep]land.

Uh-oh, because of climate change,

[beep]land was just destroyed in a California wildfire.

[Ilana] Mm. Damn.

How do you apologize to this child?

Christopher, I'm so sorry.

You deserve to dream, and I've just done nothing to make the

planet a safer place for you to be able to do that,

and I am so sorry, Christopher.

Do you forgive her?

[buzzer]

-Sorry. -No smiling.

Because of global warming, the North Pole is melting.

-Ar-- -We're not smiling.

-I'm not smiling. -Me neither.

The way that you undermine me in front of this--

this my brotha!

The way you use a child for your show!

[chimes]

[Ziwe] Celebrate a child.

Employ the Black community.

Arctic sea levels are rising.

Explain to this child that Christmas is cancelled because

Santa drowned.

I'm so sorry, I hear Christmas is a fun holiday,

so I'm so sorry that my, um,

pumping my car with gas and...

making 'Broad City' on top of fracked land, um...

is contributing to the...

Arctic... [laughs]

Tell him Santa is real, and he was always real,

but now, he's dead.

No--

[Ziwe] Tell Christopher the truth!

I will not tell him Santa's real.

Hm.

But the climate crisis is, and it's so unfair.

Our producers found this photo of you thriving on Christmas as

a child.

Do you think this child will ever experience that joy?

That is a child from the 's, Ziwe.

[gasps]

G-- guys!

That's what you get.

You think that's a fugly kid?

[giggles]

I'm sorry about the climate crisis,

though, for real.

How does that make you feel?

Disgusted.

[crew laughter]

I think that there's a lesson here.

It's that ultimately, we are responsible for our own actions,

and that climate change is bad.

Bye!

Bye!

mellow upbeat music

[laughs]

He's dabbing now!

He's dabbing! He's dabbing!

[crew laughter]

Dab.

[laughter]

Please dab for us.

All right.



We must end climate change so we can stop talking about how

hot the Earth is and start talking about other things,

like the Earth's really great personality.

jaunty music

Fact:

Gaso Z has been recalled.

Apparently, some writers at The New York Times say it's not a

safe thing to put in your car...

or on your skin.

[laughs]

'' much?

[chuckles]

But you can still save the environment by eating Z Meat!

That's right!

We used our entire stock of Gaso Z to create Z Meat --

reduce, reuse, recycle vibes!

Save the planet by ditching regular protein

and eating Z Meat.

It's organic and free from nutrients,

but most importantly, it's great for the environment.

Put it in your body!

I know I will. [chuckles]

upbeat music

Okay, is somebody gonna call "Cut?"

jovial music

If you can't take the heat, get out of the Hamptons.

jaunty music

[man VO] And now, a message from our Poet Laureate.

smooth jazzy music

Hello, or, said another way, hi,

I'm Ike, Poet Laureate of season two of 'Ziwe.'

It is at once an honor, a privilege,

and a contractual obligation for which I will receive no pay.

Today, I'll address global warming as no one yet has in the

premium cable landscape...

with rhyme.



[clears throat]

Black people in New York account

for half of heat-related deaths

in summertime

but make up only percent of all New Yorkers.

Did you know I mime?



Jazz, jazz, jazz

Scat-scat-scaddilywag

A-doo-ba kee-ka

A-doo-ba scoo-ba doo-ba

Hurricanes don't discriminate, but Building Back programs do.

White neighborhoods often flip a profit.

Here's my impression of Scooby Doo.

[Scooby voice] Raggy?

Ruh-roh.

[chuckles] I'm a regular Rich Little up here.

You might even call me a little Richard Little.

scatting

The heads of big environmental groups

are only percent non-white.

The rest are -- yes, you guessed it -- white.

And just to drive it home, they're white,

white, white.

That poem was inspired by the color white when it should have

been inspired...

by the color green.



scatting

jaunty music

[man VO] Listen up, Fours, a Ten just entered the room.

This is a message from Exxochevropetroil Co,

the leader in a fossil-fueled hot girl future.

You're lucky I'm even talking to you,

because I'm sooo busy, but I have something to say that you

need to get through your dense, nerdy noggins.

Global warming is happening, [chuckling] it's not my problem,

and honestly, if you think about it,

it's really sexy and hot and cool.

What's in my exciting vision of the blazing,

bright world to come?

Well, for one, all the statues in Madame Tussauds will finally

melt, so all you loser tourists can just go back to PF Chang's

and stop worshipping those creepy effigies.

If I was Due Lipa, I wouldn't even want you near my likeness,

so go have some lo mein and leave Times Square to its

rightful inhabitants:

Big Oil and girls who live to party.

What else is in store?

If the entire world is as hot as an oven,

that means all-day bikinis, sun-drenched highlights,

and the windows down while you're driving your double-wide

Hummer spanning across all lanes on the freeway.

Yeah, that's right, we basically designed a car that's like a

limo driving sideways.

In the Exxochevropetroil Co future,

all the fish will die, which means no more piranhas,

so you can finally go swimming in the Amazon River.

And if it runs out of water, [chuckles] well,

we'll just fill it with oil, silly!

Whatever!

Also, there's gonna be no more forest fires,

because there are gonna be no more forests,

which is great because I hate splinters.

There's also gonna be an ozone layer so thin,

you can basically just jump right off into space like that

Hamburgler of dumb ideas Elon Musk.

Electric cars are for babies -- grow up!

Cities are gonna melt like chocolate rabbits in the

microwave, which is fine because corporations are omnipotent,

so, you know, we'll be good.

And all those buildings are casting a shade on my tan

anyway, so, you know!

Feel the acid rain on your skin.

No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in -- like,

onto your bones.

Mwah.

[man VO] Exxochevropetroil Co:

For a future that's not my problem and should not change.

Okay, I have to go to pilates now.

Bye!

jaunty music

[ZIwe VO] In order to slow climate change,

we must be doing all we can.

When I say "climate," you say "justice!"

[Ziwe VO] I come from a long line of celebrity fundraisers

looking to stop global warming through money and clout.

Clean air and a livable climate are inalienable human rights.

[Ziwe VO] That's why I learned to strip so that I could raise

enough money to shut down an oil rig and,

thus, save the future of penguins.

It all makes perfect sense.

To learn some tricks of the trade,

I met up with professional dancer Slim.

Today, I'm going to be stripping for the penguins.

So I hear that you are such a talented dancer,

and I wanna learn some hot moves.

Aw, thank you!

I hope you're ready to learn some hot moves, okay?

[Ziwe] I am!

elegant orchestral music

Okay, so first thing I wanna teach you:

we'e gonna do a walk.

-Yeah. -A sexy little walk.

-Sexy little walk. -[Slim] Okay?

And then you build your momentum,

and you swing it around.

-Oh my gosh! -Okay?

I didn't warm up!

Did you stretch?

-[Ziwe] No! -No?!

I haven't stretched since .

I once read this article where Cardi B was like,

"The least I've ever made is zero dollars."

"Sometimes, you leave with nothing!"

Yeah, sometimes that happens.

That's my biggest fear; that's what I don't wanna happen today!

Oh, no, then we can't have that.

I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing it for every penguin out

there, from 'Happy Feet' to 'March of the Penguins.'

-Yeah. -Who do you dance for?

Benjamin Franklin?

And if Benjamin Franklin was a penguin,

I'd dance for him too.

[penguins chirping]

[groaning]

[Slim] Like this: bow!

Very sexy.

[Ziwe] [groans]

-[groans] -No, wait, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

No.

I wanna see you do your specialty.

Okay, you-- wow, you go all the way up there.

Yeah.

-Yeah. -And then, like, this is--

[Ziwe] Oh my gosh!

So hop, hop.

Now...

-[Ziwe] Hop... -[Slim] Hold on!

-[groans] -[Slim] Oh, wait!

-Oh! -[laughing] Oh my God!

My vag*na's in danger.

[Slim] [laughing] Oh my G-- [laughs]

How long did it take you to learn all this stuff?

[sigh] I'm gonna say about, like,

a good, like, four years?

Four years?!

[Slim] It took me a good four years.

The penguins don't have that long!



[Slim] How you think you're gonna do?

Um, how do you think I'm gonna do?

[Slim] Uh...

moody instrumental beat

[Ziwe VO] It's the night of big charity event,

and Slim's gonna come warm up the boys.

[Ziwe over speaker] Welcome, boys.

This is an experience unlike any before.

We are going to get it so hot.

Goo-goo gah-gah!

Yeah, I know that penguins mate for life

But Greta says we're out of time

I know that penguins mate for life

Tonight, you've gotta get [indistinct]

You make me hot, hot...

Sea levels could rise but as much as feet if the glaciers

all melt.

Warm it up and hit the spot...

Humans send over two million tons of waste to landfills each

year.

[Ziew VO] Slim heated things up,

so it was time to start my big routine.

Bust it wide open like an iceberg in Antarctica

You make me hot, hot, hot, hot

Hot, hot, hot

Hot, hot, hot

Warm it up and hit the spot

[over speaker] Who has a dollar to donate to climate change?



[man VO] Initially, I thought I'd been coming in here and

looking at some butts.

It became a horrible experience for me, honestly.

I don't even wanna save the penguins now. [laughs]

I will be your coral reef

You don't need no fish to eat

Bye biodiversity

All that's left is you and me...

Obviously, I came to see some strippers,

but then, all of a suddenly, it became a whole lecture about

climate change.

The second one...

she needs help.

[over speaker] We're trying to raise money for the penguins!

Here!

Do you guys have any loose cash?!

Don't look at me like that!

Think about our environment!

Stop...the music.

[music stops]

Are you guys turned on yet?

It's time for a speech.

Ready? Let's get serious.

tender piano music

[penguins chirping]

While my stripping may not be good enough to raise enough

money, I think that there's a lesson here.



[groans]

One person can't strip for the penguins,

but maybe if we all strip for the penguins,

that'd be great.

If we could cheer "Strip!

Strip! Strip!

Strip!" Cheer!

[men chanting]

Cheer! Cheer!

Strip! Strip!

Strip! Strip!

Strip! Strip!

Strip! Strip!

Ultimately, we didn't raise enough money for the penguins,

but we did raise awareness, and that's all that matters.

jaunty music

If you put Z Meat into your body,

you may be entitled to financial compensation.

Call --ZIWE-AND-SONS, and ask for Gary,

one of Ziwe's sons who does law, to see if your qualify.

But we're still committed to saving the environment with...

rock-hard stainless steel tampons.

One size fits most!

[chuckles]

Oh!

Plant-based flip-flops!

Zero-emission corn cob holders!

Milk!

And who is it from?

All I can say is...

not cows!

uplifting music

[liquid drizzling]

Fact:

the environment is dying at a rapid pace.

But we want you to know we care about the environment,

so please, buy this shirt.

[chimes]

Fact:

it is really hard to sell a sustainable product while

keeping our shareholders in the oil industry happy.

And don't we all deserve to be happy?

Don't we all deserve to be happy?!

jaunty music

smooth jazzy music

What's that?

The producers have indicated that we have time for

one...more...poem!

Hm.

Here's one...extempore.

Brown factory...

Black jobs, black...

smog, Black kids breathing in...

[rapid breaths]

black smog.

White doctor, black pen, white chart.

Pink heart, red blood.

Kind of beige-ish ventilator.

Here's my favorite line from 'Terminator.'

Actually, you know, it's a bit of a toss-up between "I'll be

back" and "Hasta la vista, baby."