01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Papa, can we play outside?

- No.
- Why?

Because it's 5:00 in the morning.

It's too early.

Why?

The sun hasn't
come up yet.

Why?

Because the sun
comes up later.

Why?

Well, the earth goes around,

and when it turns
a certain amount,

the sun shows
on the horizon.

Why?

I don't know.

Why?

Why don't you know, Papa?

Because I didn't
pay attention in school, okay?

I didn't listen in class.

Why?

Because I was high
all the time.

I smoked too much pot.

Why?

I didn't think it would matter.

Why?

I just figured my life
would come together on its own.

But then I met your mom,
and you came along.

So now I work
at the muffler shop.

Why?

Well, it's too late
for me to pursue a career now,

and since your mom has
a job with benefits

I stay home
and I take care of you,

'cause what I make is
pretty much just a joke.

Why?

Well, the service economy
replaced manufacturing...

and there's no real jobs
in America anymore.

Why?

We had good jobs
for a while,

but it's just 'cause we were lucky
and now we're unlucky.

Why?

It's just the way it goes.

Why?

'Cause God is dead
and we're alone.

Okay.

"Lucky Louie" was taped
before a live audience.

Make a wish,
make a wish!

Hey hey.

Listen, you guys,
thanks for inviting me.

I love birthday parties.

Well, Lucy loves having
her Uncle Jerry here. Right, Lucy?

Yeah yeah, Uncle Jerry's great.
Let's open some presents.

Here, open our present, Lucy.
Oh, I'm so excited.

- A doll!
- Oh!

It's your first Barbie!

I couldn't believe when I went
into her room... she has no Barbies.

As you know how
I feel about Barbies

and that they completely
misrepresent women...

Oh phooey. Girls love Barbies.
Look how happy she is.

I don't want my daughter
to grow up and worship a tiny stripper.

- Okay. Another present, come on.
- Yeah.

- That's from us.
- Oh, this is from Walter and Ellen

and Lisa,
our new neighbors.

Thanks, guys.

Oh.

Oh no, but that Barbie's great.

- Now she's got one of each.
- What?

I don't like the black Barbie.

- Hey, man, I think...
- Shh.

- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Oh no, that's okay.

- Birthdays are hard.
- Hey hey hey.

- Make her open my gift.
- Hey, great idea!

Open Uncle Jerry's gift.
Come on, Lucy.

What did you get?
What did you get?

- What'd you get? What'd you get?
- Oh boy!

Jesus!

Jesus, what is wrong
with you, Jerry?

What? It's a replica.

It's going over better
than the black Barbie.

She can't have this, Jerry.
Take it home with you.

Aw. Oh, come on.

Wow, this party sucks now.

Yeah, I think that's her limit, guys.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey, Walter,
thanks for bringing Lisa over.

- It's just across the hall.
- But we're really glad you came, still.

Okay.

Thanks a lot. It's been a great time.
We'll come back when she's 21.

- See you tomorrow.
- See you at work.

Sorry I ruined your party.
I mean, it was a nice party.

Oh, it's okay.
Here, take this food

- and get home safe.
- Okay, thanks.

Hey, what if I gave it to her
in a couple of years when she's older?

No, man.
Just go, please.

It's just that it was expensive,
you know?

Yeah, all right.

I'm gonna give her a bath.
Will you clean up?

Yeah.

Oh please,
you don't want to eat this.

This is all hydrogenated oils,
total crap.

Don't eat the cake
out of the garbage!

- What?
- Are you eating in there?

Yeah!

Oh... oh my God.

Do you know where her old duck is?
It has to be the old duck.

- Mommy!
- I'm getting the duck, sweetie.

- The old duck!
- Yes, the old duck!

f*cking duck.

Oh! Jesus!

Christ.

Jesus, Kim.

Jessica Simpson, really?

I'm not jerking off
to her music.

Hey, she's getting dressed.
Are you gonna drop her off?

Yeah.
I made you some tea here.

Oh, thanks.

So is now a good time
to talk about the closet?

Do we have to talk
about that... ever?

Hey, man,
I'm just curious. I mean...

how often
do you do that?

Not very.

Just...

whenever you're not around.

Wow.

So do you do it
in the other rooms

or is the closet special?

- Come on.
- Okay okay.

What do you think about

when you do that?

Lots of things.

Do you ever think about me?

What are you, high?

Why would I do that?
Honey, that's magic time.

I can think about anybody.

I can even combine women.

I can take Britney Spears' head
and put it on Barbara Bush's body...

- Okay okay, it's fine. I understand.
- Well, look,

I'm not proud of this,
if that's what you think.

This is all I got!
This is it for me!

We haven't done
anything in ages.

Ages-es-es-es!

I thought when I got married I was
done masturbating in closets, but...

I know, I know.
It's okay, it's okay.

It's okay that you do that.

I just don't want you
to have to do that.

So listen...

don't make any plans
for this week, okay?

Why?

Because you and I
are gonna have sex

every day until Sunday.

Really?

Yup.

Okay?

Yeah.

God, this worked out
a lot better

than when my mom
caught me jerking off.

I'm all dressed, Mommy.
I got my shoes on myself!

- Hey, good job.
- I was saying that to Mama, not you!

Yeah, well,
I'm here too, damn it!

- Papa said a bathroom word.
- Yeah, I know. Come on.

Hey, uh, I'll clean up.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- Thanks a lot.
- All right, no problem.

Yeah, man,
I'll clean up anything

if you'd suck my d*ck
once in a while.

Hey, Walter, how you doin'?

I'm okay. Uh, thanks again
for inviting us last night.

We haven't met that many people
since we moved in, and...

Oh. Oh, listen, uh...

We didn't just throw away
the black Barbie.

We threw them both away.
No, we did. Look.

I swear to God... see?
Look, the white Barbie.

- We threw both away...
- Yeah, I got it.

You know, I was just offended
that you threw our gift away.

It didn't occur to me
there was a r*cist angle.

Hey, man, what did you
buy her a black Barbie for anyway?

Because the black Barbies
were half off.

Hey guys, I brought you
some fresh coffee.

- Hey, thanks.
- What?

What do you mean, "What?"

I mean "What the f*ck?"

You never buy me anything,
you stingy prick.

- I'm in a good mood.
- Why?

Well, Kim told me
not to make any plans

because she wants to have sex
every night this week until Sunday.

When was the last time
you got laid?

About four months ago.

Okay, when's the last
time you guys had sex?

A couple of times
this morning.

I got a hand job in the parlor
about two weeks ago.

Hey, nice. Hey.

Well, look, l...

all right. I have seven days
of sex ahead of me.

That's all I know.

For exactly seven days, huh?
Why?

- I don't know, she...
- Wake up, dummy.

- She wants to have another kid.
- What? No, wait a minute.

What about your wife?
Is she trying to get pregnant too?

Nah, Tina shut down her womb

after Jackie was born.

So, you know,
I just slip it in whenever.

It's a non-issue,
you know, but with Kim...

I can see it in her eyes.
She wants another baby.

Just another
little baby, eh?

What do you think,
Louie, this morning she just woke up

and looked
at your dirty freckled c*ck...

and thought to herself,
"Oh yeah, I want that stuck in me"?

Maybe.

Listen up, d*uche.

Women are... bad.

Rich, just 'cause your wife
divorced you and took all your stuff

- doesn't mean...
- That is what opened my eyes

to the truth. And the truth is
women are powerful.

They're dangerous.

They used to rule
the world, you know.

Men were sl*ves.

That's Ret*rded.

How could women rule over us?
We can kick their a*s.

Yeah, but you see,
the mothers ruled.

And you can't raise your hand
to your mother.

I'll hit my mother.

I'll punch her
right in the face.

Now you can.

Because we rose up.

And then, pfff...
we laid the patriarchy on 'em.

And then we expunged
the whole thing from the history books

and started anew.

Just like
"Planet of the Apes."

- Hi, Rich.
- Hey, Paul.

Meet me in the bathroom!

All right, well,
I gotta sell some weed.

- Oh, hey, Walter.
- Hi.

Hey, man, listen.
Just give me a second, all right?

Listen, what happened
this morning...

I don't know, man,
can you just give me

the benefit of the doubt
and just forget it?

- Sure.
- Wait wait.

Why don't you come over for dinner
tomorrow night and bring the girls?

- Actually...
- Let me make it up to you, come on.

I get home late tomorrow, so...

But we can have a late dinner.
It's no big deal.

I'll make meatballs.
Come on, please.

- All right, I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right, man, great!

I'll see you then,
man, okay! All right!

Bye, Walter.

Hello.

Is that a new T-shirt?

What?

It looks really good on you.

Maybe you're losing weight.

You just look
really good tonight.

Thanks. That's a...

Wait.

Why are you doing this?

I want your d*ck.

No, seriously.

Yeah. I need it so bad.

You need my d*ck?

Oh yeah. It's great.

You've been hating my d*ck
for like four months now.

Now you need it?
What's up with that?

Well, I forgot how great it is

and then I just remembered.

- Are you trying to get pregnant?
- Yes.

Yeah, see?

You don't want my d*ck.

Yes, I do.
I want it to get pregnant with.

Jesus Christ.
Kim, we can't afford another baby.

But we always said
we'd have two kids.

We agreed when we had Lucy
that we wouldn't make her be alone.

Yeah, but not now.
Do you know how much

we have in checking right now?
Negative $50.

We have to raise


I don't care.
I'm not waiting.

Lucy is four already.
I'm getting pregnant right now.

You ain't getting pregnant
without my sperm.

That is not your sperm.
That is our sperm!

That's my sperm!
Give it to me!

Give it!

Papa, Mama!

Papa, will you
read this book to me?

Yes, thank God,
I will read it to you.

Okay...

Once upon a time
there was a family of bears...

a Mama Bear, a Papa Bear...

and one Baby Bear.

Well, are you guys trying
to get pregnant again?

I'm trying.
He's just being a baby.

I can't believe
he turned down sex.

Mmm. Sure he's not getting
something on the side?

Oh, please!

Do you know he barely
ever washes?

I mean, I'm pretty sure
I'm the only woman

who's getting near him
at this point.

I love him and everything,
but... ugh.

See, I don't get that.

I like sex too much.

Mike doesn't wash.
I just hold my nose and f*ck him.

Have you tried
holding your nose?

I'm not the problem. He is.

He won't f*ck me
'cause he's worried about money.

You charge him for sex?

He thinks we can't
afford another baby.

Oh, Christ. Well, there's
your problem right there...

he's thinking.
You got to get beyond his mind

and get all his blood flowing
to his little fatty down there,

and then he will
forget everything,

let alone about money.

Yeah, I tried that last night
and he didn't go for it.

Well, you gotta seduce
the b*stard.

You can't let him
make the choice.

It's up to you.
You gotta just grab him

and just... ooh,
squeeze and hold him

and go, "Oh God, honey,
I love you so much.

Oh, baby, I love you.

Oh, you like that?
Yeah, I like it too.

Ooh, that feels good.
Ooh, does it feel good to you?

Yeah, I like when you...
oh yeah.

Oh, baby, you're my
sweet tiger angel pudding.

Ooh, I love you so..."

What?
I'm gonna buy it.

b*tch.

Sorry, I forgot my glass.

Oh, look at the dirty
dirty stove. Ooh.

Cut it out.

Why, am I turning you on?

Yes, dummy.

Well, do something about it,
you big f*cking pole-smoker.

We can't afford it.

Stop thinking about money.
The only thing

you should be thinking about

is all this a*s.

We can't afford it!

Yeah, talk to it, baby.

Look, I would love
to tap that a*s.

So tap it.

I want to, but my d*ck
is too aware

that your p*ssy is a chamber
of financial ruin.

Are you serious?

I'm sorry, I need
at least $3000

in an interest-bearing
account to get fully hard.

I said I'm sorry.

sh*t.

Hey, hi, guys. Great.

Well, thanks for dinner.

One time me and my friends
were at the park

and my friend's little brother
was running in the sand...

That's great, sweetie.
Go have a good time, okay?

So...

how's the sex week going?

Aw, you were right.
She was just trying to get pregnant.

So what?

So, I gotta choose
between another kid

or no sex
for another year.

Aw, go ahead,
have another one.

That's how life goes:

You f*ck,

you have kids,

you eat.

That's all.

Look at me.

Yeah, I guess I'm just
being a p*ssy about it.

You know what?
It's not even the money.

- We had less money when we had Lucy.
- So what's your problem?

It's just that I feel like I got nothing
to do with what happens to me.

I feel like a lobster walking
into trap after trap.

The day you get married
you realize, "sh*t, I can't leave now.

I mean, I wasn't
thinking of leaving

but now I really
can't leave."

And then you have a kid,
and the moment the kid arrives

you realize
"sh*t, I could have left!

I totally could have left.
The door was right there.

It wasn't even
f*cking locked."

Yeah, right.

Well, that's the way
you feel right now.

That's natural.

But it gets better.

- It does?
- Yeah.

You see, you're just
on your first wife.

Now with your first wife
you make all the mistakes.

But with your second wife
you try to correct those mistakes,

but you make new, worse ones.

But the third wife, heh...

ah, there's a marriage.

Yeah, you'll enjoy that.

Well, thanks, but I guess

I still hold out hope
that I can make this one work.

Good luck with that.

- There's these pretty dolls...
- Mm-hmm.

...and one has a really pretty
pink sparkly dress...

- Mm-hmm.
...and another one comes with this

really really pretty horse.

And another one comes
with this cool motorcycle.

That's great, sweetie.
Listen, uh,

just tell Mom I'll be in
in a minute, okay?

- Hey, Walter...
- Oh, Jesus!

Hey listen, man, you gotta let me
apologize for the other night...

Look, don't bother. Can't we just
be neighbors and strangers?

We're having a barbecue
in the courtyard tomorrow.

- You guys could come, and...
- Look, man, let me put this simply:

I don't like you.

That's okay.
I don't care.

Just come tomorrow
and we'll get to know each other...

You know what's so offensive
about this to me?

I get the distinct feeling
that you're just trying

to acquire a black friend.

Yes, that's exactly
what I'm doing.

But I'm not doing it for me.
I'm doing it for my daughter.

How's that?

Look, when Lucy was
two years old,

we had this guy over
to fix the refrigerator,

and he was black.

So Lucy says,
"Refrigerator,"

and the guy says,
"That's right, refrigerator."

Okay, like, two months later
we're on a bus downtown,

and she sees another
black person.

And she points at him
and says "Refrigerator."

That's when I realized my daughter
needs to know some black people.

I understand.

But I still don't like you.

It's okay.
Just pretend.

- Okay, I'll try.
- Great, so you'll come tomorrow?

Will there actually be
a barbecue when we get there?

Yes, I promise.

Hey man, I guess
it's worth it,

if I can let one little
white girl learn the difference

between a black man
and a refrigerator.

Okay, my check is for $1200

and yours is for $118.

So what bills do we
have to pay today?

We have to pay the rent,
and we need the lights to stay on

and the gas

and the heat.

Do we need a phone?

- No. Cut it off.
- Yeah.

Hi, uh...

We need to cash these checks
and we need to pay these bills

and we'll take
what's left in cash.

Okay.

I guess I'm just gonna have to work
a lot of overtime this month.

Listen, whatever we
got left from this

let's go out to dinner
with it, all right?

And your change
is gonna be 5¢.

Listen, you're right.
We can't have another kid.

This is all too much.

I mean,
I want another one,

but I think
I'm just being stupid.

All this debt
is just too much.

Wait a minute. What about Lucy
being alone and all that stuff?

None of that meant anything,
I don't think.

Jesus, honey.
What are you doing?

I just wanted a little baby.

I just wanted
another little baby.

I know it doesn't
make any sense now.

I just wanted one,
that's all.

I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry.

At least we already
have a baby.

We have a really nice baby.
Some people don't even have that.

Oh God.
Gotta get home.

Hey...

You want some gum?

Yeah.

What the hell?!

Hey, this ate my nickel.

Louie, let's just go home.

Hey, I want my nickel.
The shitty candy machine ate it!

Go away, sir.

Hey, man, no f*cking way!
This isn't right!

- Louie.
- Look, you want another baby,

and maybe it's
for a stupid reason,

but what, am I supposed
to let them tell us...

the phone company and the cable
company? Am I supposed to let them...

am I supposed to let you
tell me that we can't have another baby?

That's right, sir.

Well, guess what, as*h*le,

we're gonna go home and we're
gonna make another baby right now.

Wow, honey, you got like
an anger b*ner right now.

I'm gonna
f*ck your t*ts off.

Oh!